Monday, October 3, 1977
The dormitory was still dark when James threw back the covers and climbed out of bed to pull on his running clothes and slip out the door to escape into the grey autumn morning. The night had dragged on as he lay awake, listening to the familiar sounds of his friends sleeping, and replaying Lily's words in his head. He had just slipped into a fitful doze when a loud snore made him start awake, and after that he gave up on sleep and resigned himself to a long, anxious day that would not be improved by his exhaustion.
The exercise and brisk morning air helped to wake him up, although the run did little to ease the worried crease between his eyebrows or the rigid set of his jaw. When he returned to the castle to shower and get dressed, he stretched out on his bed to stare at the ceiling while he waited for his friends to wake up. After a few minutes he began to feel suffocated by the hushed atmosphere of the dim room, and he was relieved when Sirius finally pulled back the curtains and padded across the floor to sit on the side of James's bed.
"Are you just laying here all showered and dressed?" Sirius whispered. "Merlin, Prongs, what time is it?"
"I dunno." He shrugged but didn't bother looking at his watch. "Early. I'm surprised you're up."
"Macdonald rolled over in her sleep and woke me up, and then I needed a wee anyway so I got up. Hang on," Sirius said before heading for the loo. When he returned a few minutes later, he sat back down next to James and peered at him, squinting in the grey morning light.
"You look bloody awful, mate," he said.
James chuckled. "Thanks, that's encouraging."
"No offense. I just mean you look a bit like Moony does on the days he falls asleep at dinner." He frowned. "Did you sleep at all?"
James shook his head. "Not really. Maybe an hour at most."
"Shit. I really thought smoking would help." His eyes widened and he raised his eyebrows. "If you were awake the whole time, I suppose you heard me and Macdonald?"
"Unfortunately," James said, grinning.
"Oh, bloody hell. Sorry, I thought you were all asleep." He frowned. "The Muffliato didn't work?"
"I think it worked for a bit," James said. "But then it wore off, and neither of you are exactly quiet."
Sirius laughed and flashed James a sheepish grin. "You could've shouted at us or thrown something at me."
James shrugged. "Nah, that's all right. I ran Quidditch plays and tuned it out. I figured you both needed it."
"Appreciate it, mate."
"Black!" Mary hissed from the bed. "Where've you gone? It's too early to be awake."
"I'm right here talking to Prongs," Sirius whispered back. "You'd see that if you opened your bloody eyes."
"Ugh, Black, it's too early for sass. Come back to bed." She patted the empty space on the mattress.
"But I'm talking to Prongs," Sirius repeated.
"Well, bring him too."
Sirius shrugged, then stood and offered James a hand up before returning to his bed and slipping back under the covers next to Mary.
She opened her eyes and looked up at James. "Why do you look like you didn't sleep at all?"
He stifled a yawn and ran a hand through his hair. "Cause I didn't sleep at all."
"Here, lay down before you pass out." She gestured at the space next to Sirius. "I want to talk to you but I don't want to have to keep picking my head up or talking too loud. I'm not sure if I've said this already, but it's too bloody early."
James eyed the scant inches of free space on the bed. "Three of us aren't going to fit on that bed."
"Rubbish. You're skinny. We'll budge up."
"He doesn't like being called skinny," Sirius remarked as James rolled his eyes and settled onto the edge of the bed. He had to hold himself rigid to avoid falling off or rolling into Sirius. "He prefers lean."
"Of course he does," Mary said, chuckling.
James adjusted his position to rest his head on half of Sirius's pillow. "I feel weird," he said. "Laying here practically snuggling Padfoot, and neither of you are wearing more than pants."
"All the ridiculous things you four do, and this is what makes you feel weird?"
"Speaking of ridiculous things we do, he, er, heard everything," Sirius muttered, raising his eyebrows at Mary.
She giggled. "Ooh, sorry about that. For what it's worth, I tried to talk him out of it."
"Funny, that's not the impression I got last night," James said. "From what I could hear, you seemed pretty enthusiastic about the idea."
"Oh, sod you." She rested her head on Sirius's chest and pulled the blankets up to her chin. "Well, we owe you. When you and Evans end up in the same situation, we'll just pretend not to hear anything."
"That's assuming she ever wants to shag me. For all we know, she might never want to talk to me again." James sighed and once again heard her words from yesterday echo in his head.
"Course she does, you prat," Sirius said, grinning. "Back me up on this, Macdonald."
"She absolutely does," Mary agreed. "We all saw the way she looked at you at the pool, and when you play Quidditch, and when you two were sitting together all cozy Saturday night. But she doesn't just want to shag you. She wants to hold your hand, and go into Hogsmeade with you, and take you to Slughorn's Christmas party and home to meet her parents. And after tonight, you'll be able to do all of that."
"I didn't learn the world's worst song on ukulele and then practice playing while flying a broom just for her to say no," Sirius added. "It's going to work, mate. It's going to be great."
"I hope you're right," James said, letting his mind drift for a moment as he imagined buying Lily a Butterbeer at The Three Broomsticks, slipping his hand into hers as they walked to class, spinning her around the dance floor and making snide remarks about the other Slug Club members, introducing himself to Mr. and Mrs. Evans and making faces at Petunia behind her back. "Bloody hell, I hope you're right."
"Of course we're right," Mary said.
"We usually are," Sirius said. "Now try to sleep for a bit, because we don't have to get up for at least 20 minutes, and I for one plan to take advantage of those 20 minutes."
James lay there as Mary and Sirius dozed off, steeling himself for the long day ahead and wishing he could somehow fast forward through the classes and Quidditch practice and unbearable hours of uncertainty. The thought of seeing and talking to Lily for the first time since their disastrous conversation filled him with dread, but even more frightening was the idea of never talking to her again, which he considered a real possibility despite his friends' assurances to the contrary. By the time it was time for everyone to get up for the day, James had worked himself into a panic and had to take several deep breaths before he was calm enough to walk down to breakfast.
The day passed in a blur, punctuated by random moments of startling clarity. He stumbled down stairs and through corridors, hardly aware of his surroundings. When Sirius placed a cup of coffee in front of him, he accepted it with a bemused expression, surprised to find himself in the Great Hall staring down at a plate he did not remember filling with food. His eyes traveled down the bench to spot Lily, but she buried her face in The Daily Prophet and avoided looking at him. The expression on her face was hard to discern, so he concentrated on drinking his coffee and tried not to wonder what Lily was thinking at that exact moment.
The next thing he knew he was sitting in class with a quill clutched in his hand and a piece of parchment in front of him filled with illegible notes. An expectant silence filled the room, and he glanced up to find McGonagall staring at him with pursed lips.
"Prongs," Sirius muttered, nudging him. "Minnie's just asked you to explain the theory behind the counterspell."
"Shit. What is the theory behind the counterspell?" His brain struggled to come up with a coherent answer, but he could not even recall which spell they were discussing, never mind the counterspell or the theory that explained why it worked.
"We just talked about it. It's right in your notes." Sirius pointed down at James's parchment, then frowned. "Well that's no good, this doesn't make any bloody sense."
McGonagall cleared her throat and raised her eyebrows. "Mr. Potter, are you going to answer my question, or are you going to continue to hold up the class by having your own conversation with Mr. Black?"
James cast a desperate look at Sirius's notes, but in his exhausted state his eyes could not scan fast enough to find the correct information. "Professor, I'd love to answer your question, but I think you'd better ask someone else, because I seem to be drawing a blank."
She frowned. "Potter, why do you look like you didn't sleep at all last night?"
"Because I didn't sleep at all last night."
Lily turned around in her seat to peer at him, and he thought he detected concern on her face before she snapped her head back around to face front.
"Mr. Potter, you cannot expect to have any success at Transfiguration without a proper night's sleep. There is too much complex thinking and brain power involved." She sighed. "Five points from Gryffindor, and make sure you're well-rested for next class. Mr. Lupin, could you help Mr. Potter out by summarizing the theory behind the counterspell?"
When James sat down at the Gryffindor table for a lunch he had no appetite for, he tried to catch Lily's eye, but she kept her eyes fixed on her own plate of food as she took a few tiny bites and pushed the rest around with her fork. After lunch Mary caught up to James while Lily was in the lavatory and gave his shoulder an encouraging squeeze.
"She's all worried about you," she said, glancing over her shoulder to keep an eye out for Lily. "She feels awful you didn't sleep, and she just said something about how you barely ate anything at lunch. Honestly, she looked like she'd like to give you a hug."
"Well, she's welcome to. I could use a hug," James said as he savored the thought of Lily worrying over him, but the thought was cut short when several pairs of arms wrapped around him.
"What're you doing?" he asked, laughing and trying to wriggle free, but Sirius tightened his grip.
"You said you could use a hug, so we're hugging you," Peter said.
"Don't fight it, Prongs, or we'll only hug you harder," Sirius added.
"I'd let go, but I can't exactly move," Mary said, gesturing at Sirius's arms pinning her against James's body.
"You better not let go. The group hug isn't complete yet. Moony, get over here."
Remus had been leaning against the wall and watching the exchange with amusement. He shook his head and tried to take a step back, but before he could escape Sirius grabbed his arm and dragged him into the tangle of limbs.
"We're blocking the corridor," Remus protested, gesturing at the students casting curious looks at them and muttering in irritation.
"They can bloody go around," Sirius said. "Prongs, do you feel better now?"
"I can't breathe," James complained, but he was surprised to find himself smiling.
He seriously considered cancelling Quidditch practice, but this would be unprecedented as he'd told his team on more than one occasion that the only acceptable reason for cancelling practice was death or mortal peril. Instead he went through the motions, struggling to focus on passing drills and dodging Bludgers although his mind kept circling back to the plan he would carry out in just a few short hours.
"Potter!" He looked up and ducked just in time to avoid taking a Bludger to the head. Bubbles pulled up his broom beside him, frowning.
"You all right?"
James nodded. "Yeah, just wasn't paying attention." He nodded at Will Davies, who had sent the
Bludger his way and now clutched his Beater's bat with a concerned expression on his face. "It's all right, mate. My fault."
"That's what I mean," Bubbles insisted. "You're always paying attention. Rule number whatever it is -" He turned his broom and waved at Seven. "Oi! What's the rule about paying attention all the time!"
Seven motioned for them to join her on the ground.
"Blow the whistle, Potter," she said, pointing at the silver whistle around his neck when they all landed on the pitch.
"Why?" He glanced at his watch, wondering if he had lost track of time, but there was still more than half of practice left.
"Because we're stopping practice," she said. "You're in no condition to play."
"Rubbish," he snapped, but it didn't matter, because the rest of the team spotted them on the ground and hurried to join them.
"Right, the rule you're thinking of, Bubbles, is rule number 10: distractions are dangerous. But I think rule number fourteen also applies, no offense, Potter." She flashed him an apologetic smile and patted his shoulder.
"What's rule number fourteen?" Davies asked.
"Today is not bloody Bring Your Problems to Quidditch Day," James said, scowling. "I wasn't bringing my problems to Quidditch, I just lost focus for a moment, that's all."
"It's okay," Seven assured him. "We don't blame you. It's just, it's probably not productive or safe to carry on with practice when your head's just not in it. But we talked it over, and we're all willing to meet early one morning this week to make up for the lost practice time, so you don't have to worry about that."
James stared at her earnest expression, touched by the gesture. "But that means getting up early."
"You're always up at that time anyway," she said with a shrug.
He ran a hand through his hair and frowned. "I know I am, but you're not. You lot always complain when we have to do team runs early in the morning. You'd really be willing to do that just because I'm an idiot and can't sort out my own head enough to run a proper practice?"
"Of course we would," Sunshine said, grinning. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm going to hate my life when I wake up and I have to play Quidditch when it's still bloody dark out, but it's okay, because you do a lot for us." She glanced down at the broom in her hands, purchased by James when she couldn't afford to buy one herself.
"We're all rooting for you," Bubbles added. "Mrs. Bubbles had to kick me to stop me from cheering when I saw you and Evans sitting together the other night. I was just so excited for you, but she reckoned it might kill the mood. She's happy for you too, though. She thinks you two are adorable together."
The thought of Bubbles and his girlfriend silently cheering on him and Lily made him smile despite his overwhelming nervousness and exhaustion.
"Don't forget rule number one," Seven said, nodding at James's whistle.
He traced the tiny engraved letters on the whistle that spelled out Rule #1: Never Fucking Give Up, and his smile widened.
"You know, Evans gave me this whistle," he said, touched all over again by the thoughtful gift he now wore every time he got on a broom.
Seven nodded. "We know. She really gets you, which is how I know this is all going to work. So let's head back to the castle so you can carry out your ridiculous plan and get this all sorted, all right?"
James shrugged, realizing it was pointless to continue to argue. "All right. Thanks, all of you. You're bloody good teammates, you know that?"
"We know," Bubbles said, flashing him a grin before hurrying to collect the balls.
As they headed back up to the castle, the smile remained on James's face, and he no longer felt as nervous. Now that he was so close to carrying out the plan, he felt only a hum of excited energy. One way or another, this would be decided in the next hour or two, and this gave James a sense of relief. He ran through the plan in his head one more time and took a deep breath. Bloody hell, I hope this works.
After a quick shower he headed for the common room and spotted Sirius, Remus, and Peter in the usual spots.
"You're back early," Peter said before sending his queen to capture Remus's knight.
"Seven convinced me to end practice early," James said with a shrug.
Remus grinned. "Glad she at least has some sense. It is okay to cancel once in a while, even if you're not dead or missing a limb."
"Yeah, well, I was pretty much useless, if you can believe it," James said. "Nearly took a Bludger to the head because I wasn't paying attention. But it did help wake me up a bit, so I suppose that's good." He leaned against the arm of Sirius's chair and ran a hand through his hair. "Are we ready?"
"We've been ready," Sirius said, hopping to his feet and waving at Mary.
She was seated across the room with Lily, but when she spotted Sirius beckoning she slid out of her seat and hurried over.
"Ready?" she muttered, and her face lit up as she saw the expression of determination on James's face. "Merlin, I'm so bloody excited."
"Keep it together, Macdonald," Sirius cautioned. "We don't want Evans to know something's up. But you know what to do, right? Wait until we leave, then-"
"Then wait another ten minutes and then ask Lily to come up to the dormitory with me," she finished, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, I got it, Black. We've only been through it a dozen times."
"Don't sass me, Macdonald, this is important. Now, if she asks you why I called you over here, you're going to say-"
"Something about us meeting up to shag later. Don't worry, I've got this." She grinned at James. "Good luck. It's going to be great. We're all going to be celebrating before you know it." Her eyes lingered on Sirius for a moment, and then she wrapped her arms around him and leaned close to his ear. "Try not to fall off your broom and die, please. I'm going to need you to stay alive to be my drunken dance partner when our two idiot friends get married." She gave them all a thumbs up before striding across the room to rejoin Lily.
"Everything's already stashed on the Astronomy Tower, right?" James asked, although he already knew the answer.
"It's all there," Sirius confirmed. "Let's go."
As the four of them proceeded down the corridor to the Astronomy Tower, James felt the last of his nervousness evaporate. Instead, he was now filled with the same focused anticipation he experienced during a Quidditch match. The difficult part of planning and scheming and making it through an endless day of waiting was now behind him, and all that was left to do was carry out the plan and hope for the best. He glanced sideways at his friends and observed the excitement on their faces as they recapped the details of the plan for what must have been the hundredth time. Despite the stakes of what they were about to do, despite all the doubts that had plagued his mind over the past two days, somehow James felt calm and confident that everything would turn out fine. Grinning, he retrieved his broom that he had stashed behind a tapestry after practice and hurried to catch up, whistling "Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard" under his breath.
The air was chilly on the top of the Astronomy Tower, and James shivered as they gathered around the boxes that contained the fireworks as well as the necessary items for both happy and sad outcomes.
"Don't forget the mirrors," Sirius said, pulling out the two-way mirrors and handing one to James and one to Peter.
"Can we activate them now so Moony and I can hear what's going on?" Peter asked as he took the mirror.
"Yeah, why not, but don't say anything, all right?" James held the mirror up to his face and said "Peter Pettigrew."
Peter looked into his own mirror and said, "Hi, Prongs," before setting the mirror down on top of the "sad box."
"Pete, make sure you're paying attention so you hear when Prongs tells you to light the fireworks," Sirius said.
"He's got it, Padfoot," James said as he slipped the mirror into his pocket and mounted his broom. "We've all got it. We've pulled off pranks way more complicated and dangerous than this with far less planning."
"I know." Sirius mounted his own broom and tucked the ukulele under his arm. "I just want to make sure everything's perfect." He raised his eyebrows. "How are you so bloody calm?"
James shrugged. "I dunno, I'm in that zone where I get calm and stop worrying and just know everything's going to be fine. It's how I feel before a match, but also how I used to feel when I'd do stunts like this to ask Evans out. The matches almost always turn out fine, but asking out Evans never did, so I dunno if it's good or bad that I feel like this."
"It's all right, best not to think about it too much," Sirius said. "It's going to be great. She's going to say yes. And remember, don't lose focus, even if I fall off my broom." His eyes widened and he reached into the fireworks box and rummaged around until he pulled out his cowboy hat and placed it on his head. "Nice try hiding this from me, Moony."
Remus rolled his eyes and did not reply.
"Don't be stupid, of course you're not going to fall off your broom," James said, kicking off into the air to hover above them.
"Good luck, Prongs," Remus said as he sorted the fireworks.
"She'd be mad not to say yes," Peter added.
"See you shortly," Sirius said, taking off on his broom to join James in the air.
The two of them made the short flight to Gryffindor tower and scanned the windows until they identified the seventh year girls' dormitory. James hovered just outside the window, while Sirius backed up a bit so he could provide background music without drowning out the sound of James's voice. He hesitated a moment and took a deep breath, trying to shut everything out, then gave Sirius a thumbs up and tapped on the window. Behind him he heard Sirius begin strumming the ukulele, and he wanted to turn around to see him balance on his broom without the safety net of a pile of pillows underneath him, but then Mary pushed open the window and he lost track of the music.
"Long time no see, Potter," she said, grinning and stepping aside. "Lily, I think there's someone at the window for you."
As soon as Lily stepped in front of the window wearing a puzzled expression, James felt some of the nervousness rush back, but he forced himself to focus on accomplishing the task at hand one step at a time. First, say hello. Next, tell her how you feel. Finally, tell Peter to start the fireworks and hope to Merlin she says yes.
James Potter is outside my window on a broom. Bloody hell, James Potter is outside my window on a broom. It should sound crazy, and yet somehow she had expected something like this the moment Mary had asked her to come up to the dormitory. At first she fought to hide the smile that had appeared when she saw that familiar idiotic grin and untidy black hair, but then she decided it didn't matter. She had been absolutely miserable over the past two days, and the memory of his crestfallen face had made all her reasons for pulling away seem flimsy and unfounded. If seeing him made her happy, why the hell should she bother hiding it? If he made her happy, and she made him happy, why shouldn't they be together, sod her Head Girl responsibilities and her N.E.W.T. homework and the dismal state of the world? Grinning, she gave him her full attention and tried to take deep breaths to keep her heart from pounding.
"Hi, Evans," he said, grinning and running a hand through his hair. For a wild moment Lily was afraid taking one hand off his broom would cause him to lose his balance, but then she remembered he pulled off far more complicated Quidditch maneuvers without even breaking a sweat.
"Hi." She raised her eyebrows and gestured at the broomstick. "You could have just asked to talk to me down in the common room, you know."
He shrugged. "That would be too easy and not nearly as flashy. That's not really my style, is it?"
"No, I suppose not." She nodded in Sirius's direction, only just now noticing his presence. Her eyes widened as she noticed he was not holding onto his broom at all because both hands were occupied with playing the ukulele while he sang along. "He told me he hated that song."
"Well, yeah, he does. But he knows you like it, so he reckoned it would make good background music." They fell silent for a moment and listened as Sirius sang the chorus. "He spent hours learning it from that first year and then practicing balancing on his broom without falling off."
"That's some real dedication just to provide background music for a casual conversation," she said. "So I'm guessing this is more than just a chance to chat while you show off your flying skills?"
She thought she saw his confidence falter for just a moment, but then his grin returned and he seemed as sure of himself as ever.
"It's a bit more than that, yeah. I just wanted to talk to you, and I wasn't sure if you'd talk to me unless I did something a bit out of the ordinary to get your attention." His eyes fell to his broom before drifting over to watch Sirius strumming away, so enthusiastic with his playing that his cowboy hat tilted dangerously on his head. "I haven't felt right ever since our conversation yesterday. I know this probably won't come as a surprise, but I was pretty bloody crushed. And I'm not telling you that to make you feel bad. I just want you to know how I feel. Because Saturday night was the happiest I've ever been in my life, and I've had a pretty happy life. There's no one else who could ever make me that happy, because they're not you."
He fell silent for a moment, studying her face, and the tenderness in the way he looked at her was almost too much to take. She had to hold herself back from pulling him through the window and wrapping her arms around him, because he clearly wasn't done with his spiel, and she owed it to him to hear him out.
"You know, I've spent so much time going on and on to Sirius and Remus and Peter about why I like you that they could probably give a ten minute presentation on the subject, but I realize I've never actually told you. I think that's because there's not one big reason but just a bunch of stupid little reasons, and I thought it would sound mad if I tried to explain it to you. But I think you're afraid to get hurt because you don't know if I'm really serious about this or if I'll lose interest once we actually get together, so I reckon this might help convince you that I'm in it for the long haul."
Lily leaned against the wall, worried she might collapse without the support, but kept her eyes fixed on James. She hung on his every word, afraid to miss even a second of this rare, earnest confession that was stripped of his usual cocky bravado and humorous remarks.
"I like you because you got an Outstanding on your Potions O.W.L. even though you barely studied, and as crazy as it sounds, I think you actually enjoyed the exam because that's how much you love Potions. I like you because you're the only person I know who actually likes the grass flavored Bertie Botts, and because you're an even worse dancer than I am but you're not afraid to get up on a table and sing and dance after you've had a couple drinks. Because you like stupid jokes just as much as I do, and you'll drop everything to help a lost first year find his class, and you hugged Rosmerta at the end of the night when we took you out for your birthday. And because you'll sit and smoke a cigarette with Sirius and bond over how shit your siblings are, or share a blanket and a chocolate bar with Remus while you both read and then compare notes about the book afterwards, or help Peter with homework when I'm too busy with Quidditch and Remus is sleeping and Sirius is off shagging Mary. Because you weren't taken in by my arrogant bullshit and weren't afraid to call me out on it. If you didn't, I'd probably still be walking around with my head so big my broomstick could barely get off the ground. Because you're strong enough to give me a piggyback when you're drunk, even though you did fall on your arse and drop Remus, and because you gave me the best gift anyone's ever given me, and I wear it any time I need luck."
His hand went to the whistle around his neck, and Lily's mind flashed back to the night she had given it to him while they hid from Filch in a broom cupboard.
"I like you because as unbelievable as it still is that I'm Head Boy, I couldn't picture anyone else as Head Girl, and together we make a great team. And because you're so passionate and aren't afraid to stand up to people when they're being tossers, even if it means shouting at your sister's boyfriend over dinner, or getting in trouble for hexing Bertram Aubrey when he makes a snide comment about Remus, or telling off Sirius for taking his grief and anger out on his friends when nobody else has the courage to say so because we're too afraid to upset him. Because you get that little frown on your face when you read The Daily Prophet and you're just as angry as I am about everything that's happening. And because you stood there in front of a bunch of people while your best fucking friend called you the worst thing he possibly could have, and you played it off like it didn't even bother you because you have way too much class to hex him like I would have, or let him see you cry."
A lump formed in her throat, and she held out her hand to him. "James…"
"Just hang on, I'm almost finished," he said. His eyes were bright, and he had kept his gaze locked on hers throughout the entire confession. "You impress the hell out of me every single day, Evans. I know I was an arrogant git for years, and I did some things I'm not proud of, and I still do from time to time. But I also know that I've changed a lot because of you, and if you give me a chance, I promise I'll do anything to make you happy. And I do mean anything, because you know I don't give up no matter how impossible something seems. So if you wait a second, I'm going to ask you a question one last time."
She waited for him to continue, but instead he reached into his pocket and pulled out a mirror. "We're ready, Wormtail," he said, his voice choked with emotion, then returned the mirror to his pocket and pointed behind them. "Look out the window."
There was a tense moment where nothing happened, but then the boom of fireworks drowned out the sound of Sirius starting the song over for the third time, and enormous green letters lit up the sky spelling out WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?
The light from the fireworks reflected off of James's glasses and illuminated the hopeful anticipation on his face. She stood there as the giant words faded away into the night, unable to breathe or speak. James waited, his knuckles white around the handle of his broom as he studied her face to gauge her reaction. Words hovered just out of reach, but she couldn't force her lips to form the proper shapes to speak them aloud.
"Evans?" James asked, his voice barely audible even in the hushed silence after the fireworks ended and Sirius stopped playing.
The moment stretched out between them, and Lily remembered all the times she had said no to this same question without giving it a second thought, and all the times since then when she had longed for him to ask this very same question just one more time. The confident grin faltered and his eyes revealed a hint of doubt behind the hope and earnestness, and this spurred Lily into action, because she was terrified she was about to watch hurt clouding his features for the second time in two days. Grinning, she took a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak.
Peter sat down on the ground to wait and looked up at Remus.
"I'm so bloody excited for Prongs," he said, smiling when he remembered the optimism that had replaced the grim resignation on his friend's face. "How many years has he been working towards this? I would've given up a long time ago."
"I think we all would've given up," Remus said as he sat down behind Peter and leaned back against one of the boxes. "But giving up isn't in his vocabulary."
Peter nodded as a memory flashed back into his mind, as vivid as if it had been just yesterday.
The four of them were gathered in a clearing in the Forbidden Forest, their faces illuminated by the occasional flashes of lightning. James, Sirius, and Peter had removed their clothes and stood shivering in the November air as they clutched blankets around themselves. They held vials of blood red potion while Remus looked on, his brow furrowed with anxiety.
"All right," James said. He wore a determined, focused expression as he drew his wand from his pocket. "On the count of three we each say the incantation one last time and drink the potion, then spread out so we have enough space to transform."
"And don't forget to drop your blankets, gentlemen," Sirius added. His face was lit with exhilaration as he placed his wand tip against his heart. "Unless you want it to fuse to your body."
Peter stared at the vial in his hands, his eyes wide with terror as he imagined all the horrible ways this could go wrong. His words caught in his throat as he looked over at James, and he had to take a deep breath and start again.
"I don't know if I can do this," he said as he pictured himself botching the transformation and spending the rest of his life as some sort of half-human, half-animal mutant. Or worse, what if he panicked and the animal mind took over and he couldn't transform back? "I'm too scared, and the instructions say you're not supposed to show any fear." He shook his head and cast his gaze towards the ground, too ashamed to look at his friends.
"You don't have to do it, Peter," Remus said.
"Of course he bloody does," James said, taking a step closer to Peter. "Look at me, Pete. You can do this. Of course we're all scared, but you can't let the fear take over. Just the fact that you've made it this far tells me that you can fucking do this. We're doing this for Moony, so we can all be together. You're one of us, and we're all going to do this. So don't tell me you can't do it, because that's rubbish. All right?"
The bracing tone of James's voice and the complete assurance on his face calmed Peter's pounding heart, and he took another deep breath and felt some of the fear leave his body. James had persuaded Peter not to give up when he swallowed his Mandrake leaf and had to start all over for the second time. He had guided Peter through the many intricate steps to brew the potion he now held in his hands. He had been the one to convince Peter he should even attempt to become an animagus in the first place, because without James's encouragement, Peter never would have believed himself capable of such complex magic. If James believed he could do this, then bloody hell, he was going to try.
"All right," he said, managing a weak smile and nodding. "On the count of three, then?"
"No, it's definitely not," Peter agreed.
Remus lowered his voice and leaned away from the mirror. "Merlin, I hope she says yes."
"Of course she will," Peter assured him. "How could she say no?"
Before Remus could respond, they heard James's voice coming from the mirror.
"Hi, Evans," he said, and Remus and Peter moved closer to decipher the muffled words.
"She sounds happy to see him," Peter whispered after they heard Lily respond, but Remus put a finger to his lips.
"Shh, I want to hear this," Remus said, and Peter fell silent.
They sat there, huddled around the mirror as they listened in with rapt attention to the long-awaited conversation. When they heard James say, "You know, I've spent so much time going on and on to Sirius and Remus and Peter about why I like you that they could probably give a ten minute presentation on the subject," Peter nudged Remus and muttered, "I think I could give a ten minute presentation, couldn't you?"
Remus nodded. "Definitely." They fell silent for another moment, then looked at each other with wide eyes as James began to list out the reasons.
"This is going to be it, isn't it?" Peter asked. "Either this convinces her or nothing will."
"He's doing quite well," Remus said, bending closer to the mirror to hear James describe Lily's less-than-desirable dancing skills.
"He really is." Peter imagined the earnest, open quality of James's smile as he attempted to put several years of pining into words, and then he pictured Lily's face as the true depth of James's feelings were revealed to her through these concrete, specific examples that were both silly and serious, mundane and significant. He couldn't help but smile, because there was no way things wouldn't work out, and even if they didn't, this was the perfect culmination to all James's ridiculous, over-the-top gestures to convince Lily to give him a chance.
"We're ready, Wormtail," James's voice said, and Remus and Peter scrambled for the fireworks, tripping over their own feet in their haste to carry out their role in the plan. As they had discussed, Remus checked that the firework was placed properly and gave Peter the go-ahead to light it, then they both stepped back and watched its trajectory up into the sky before it burst in a shower of green sparks that spelled out James's question.
"Did she say anything?" Peter asked as he rushed back to the mirror. "I couldn't hear, could you?"
"Shhh!" Remus had his ear almost pressed against the mirror, but neither of them could make out a single word. For several long moments, they stared at each other, and Peter knew the fear he saw on Remus's face must be reflected in his own expression.
Say something, he urged Lily silently. Just say yes. You've got to say yes.
"Evans?" James's voice asked, and although Peter had to strain to make out the words, the pain and doubt were impossible to miss. There was another unbearable beat of silence, and Peter thought he might be about to die from the suspense when the sound of Lily's voice drifted out from the mirror.
"Evans?" James asked, although he wasn't sure he had even spoken the word aloud. He kept his eyes trained on her, desperate to see her lips move to form an answer. He would settle for any answer, even a refusal, at this point, because he couldn't stand the unbearable, endless waiting, the not-knowing, the hanging in suspense. She seemed to be struggling to speak, and his mind jumped to the possibilities this might point to. Was she trying to decide how to let him down easy? Was she about to shout at him for wasting her time with this ridiculous stunt? Or was she actually going to… But he wouldn't allow himself to finish the thought, in case he jinxed it. So he waited with baited breath and a pounding heart for her to give whatever answer she was agonizing over. This is it. One way or another, this is it.
"Yes." Had she actually spoken, or had the sheer force of his optimism imagined the words into being? He studied her face for a clue, but she gave nothing away.
"What?" he asked, his hopes soaring despite his best efforts to restrain them, because he was James Potter, after all, and remaining hopeful and optimistic even in the face of repeated setbacks was sort of his thing.
"I said yes. Yes, I'll go out with you." Her face broke into a brilliant smile, and he couldn't be sure because the lighting made it difficult to tell, but he thought there were tears sparkling in her eyes. "What you just said… Nobody's ever said anything like that to me before. It was really… Well, thanks, James."
He blinked several times, giving her words a moment to sink in before he could react. When the meaning reached his brain, he knew he must be grinning like an idiot, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything except Lily's answer, because after all the times she had turned him down and he'd been forced to push down the disappointment and hurt in hopes that the next time would be different, this time she had finally said yes. He stared at her, still unable to quite believe this was really happening.
"So, just to be clear, you're saying yes?" She nodded, and he felt his grin get even bigger as he turned around and gave Sirius a thumbs-up. Sirius's eyes widened and he had to make a quick grab for the ukulele to avoid dropping it. James chuckled, then took the mirror from his pocket and shouted into it in his excitement. "Wormtail! Moony! It's a go! Go ahead and set off the rest of the fireworks!"
"James," Lily said, reaching out a hand to beckon to him. "C'mere." He navigated through the window, laughing as he snagged his trousers on the latch before disentangling himself and landing next to Lily. Before he could lean his broom against the wall, before he could have a proper look at the room to compare it with his mental image, before he could think about what to say to Lily, she had her arms wrapped around him and her lips pressed to his. The kiss wiped away all the doubt and emotional turmoil of the past two days, and James savored the rightness of holding her close, letting every other thought drain from his mind until she released him, smiling and breathless.
"I missed that," she murmured. "I missed you."
"Merlin, me too." He laced his fingers through hers and noticed how perfectly their hands fit together.
"Why do those fireworks say, 'PADFOOT SMELLS?'" she asked, giggling and pointing out the window at the pink and purple letters now displayed in the sky.
James chuckled and shook his head. "Ask Remus." He longed to hold her close again, but before he could act on this desire he heard a call from behind him and turned to see Sirius hovering at the window, his face mirroring the joy that James felt.
"You coming, Prongs?"
Lily frowned. "Where are you going?"
James heaved a reluctant sigh and reached for his broomstick. "We're rendezvousing at the Astronomy Tower." His gaze drifted to Mary, just now remembering he and Lily had not been alone in the dormitory. "Will you two meet us there in ten or fifteen minutes?"
"Is the fifteen minutes so you four can celebrate like idiots without worrying if we'll laugh at you?" Lily asked, glancing at Mary and giggling.
"Sorry, that information is classified, Evans," Sirius said with a smirk.
"Which means that's exactly what they're doing," Mary said.
"I'll see you in a few minutes," James said, giving Lily a quick kiss before mounting his broom and flying out the window to join Sirius.
"Dress warm," Sirius advised them. "It'll be chilly up there, and shockingly enough, I don't think Remus brought a blanket." He waved before darting away after James in the direction of the Astronomy Tower.
Once James and Sirius left, Lily went to her trunk and began sorting through its contents. "Do you think I need a proper jacket, or will a jumper be enough, do you think?"
Mary gaped at her, then burst into laughter. "What? After what just happened, you're asking me what to wear? Go naked, if you like. Lily, you prat, I'm so bloody excited for you!" She closed the distance between them and pulled Lily away from her trunk before wrapping her in a tight hug. "Merlin, do you know how long we've all been waiting for this?"
Lily laughed and tried to extricate herself from Mary. "Mary, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I can't really breathe." When Mary released her, she chuckled and retrieved a jacket from her trunk. "Do you think the boys are doing the same thing to James as we speak?"
Mary slipped on her red leather jacket and grinned. "Oh, I'm sure. If they don't dump champagne all over his head I'll be shocked."
Lily pulled a blanket from her bed and draped it over her shoulders, then laughed when Mary rolled her eyes at her. "Don't look at me like that. It's going to be cold up there." Her face softened and she put a hand on Mary's shoulder. "Hey, I wanted to apologize for what I said before. About Sirius, I mean. What you said about me being scared wasn't wrong, but I didn't want to admit that, so I got upset and took it out on you."
Mary wrapped a curl around her finger as she thought about this. "It's all right. What you said probably wasn't wrong either, but I'm perfectly happy to carry on like we've been doing without a bunch of talking about our bloody feelings, and I know Black prefers it that way too."
Lily thought back to her conversation with Sirius on the Astronomy Tower and considered arguing, but decided against it. Tonight was about celebrating her saying yes to James, and enthusiastic group hugs, and getting irresponsibly drunk even though they had classes tomorrow. The serious conversations about feelings could wait.
"Do you think they've had enough time for embarrassing celebrating?" she asked.
Mary shrugged. "If not, I could use a good laugh. Come on, let's go."
She linked arms with Lily and they set off, both feeling happier and lighter than they had since Saturday night.
Remus and Peter sat with their ears pressed close to the mirror, waiting in agonizing silence to hear Lily's answer when the sound of her voice came from the mirror, uttering a single word: "Yes."
"Was that-" Peter sputtered, turning to Remus with his eyes wide. "Did she-"
Remus held up a hand and pressed his ear closer to the mirror. After a moment Lily's voice came through again: "I said yes. Yes, I'll go out with you."
At the sound of her words, Remus punched a hand into the air and shouted "Yes!" while Peter jumped up and down before throwing his arms around Remus. They were so caught up with celebrating that they almost missed James's instructions to set off the rest of the fireworks. Both wearing sheepish smiles, they released each other and hastened to light the fireworks.
"That wasn't embarrassing, what we just did, was it?" Peter asked.
"I wouldn't say so," Remus said, shrugging.
Peter nodded, then frowned. "We're still never telling anyone about it, right?"
"That's correct." Remus gestured at the firework in Peter's hand. "Oh good, do that one next. It's the 'Padfoot Smells' one." A mischievous grin spread across his face. "He's going to love it."
They proceeded to light off the rest of the fireworks, then sat down and leaned against the parapet to watch for Sirius and James. The night felt very quiet after the deafening boom of the fireworks and their own cheers and shouts of excitement.
"I'm so glad she said yes," Remus remarked, heaving a sigh and adjusting himself to stretch out his legs in front of him. "I almost feel like I was the one asking her, that's how much her answer mattered. That's silly, isn't it?"
"Nah, I kind of feel the same way," Peter said. He Summoned a bottle of firewhisky and two glasses from the sad box and poured some out for each of them. "I think we earned this."
They sipped their drinks in silence for a few moments, enjoying the warmth of the liquor burning their throats as they shivered in the cool evening air.
"Evans is kind of one of us now, isn't she?" Peter mused.
Remus swirled the firewhisky in his glass as he considered Peter's comment. "I suppose she is. But I think she's been one of us for a while now. Mary too, even if she and Padfoot insist on pretending they're nothing more than friends who shag."
Peter grinned. "Don't let Padfoot hear you say that. You already got him with that firework."
"Don't worry, I won't. Today is a happy day." He took a sip of his drink and stared off into the night with a thoughtful expression on his face.
"I rather like having Evans and Macdonald around," Peter said.
Remus nodded. "I do, too."
"At first I didn't think I would," Peter continued. "Because I quite liked things the way they were. But they sort of grow on you, the two of them, you know? And they seem to really get us, don't they?"
"They do," Remus agreed. "And it's not exactly easy to get us." He studied the liquid in his glass for a moment, then looked up at Peter with his face drawn into a stubborn frown. "That doesn't mean - I'm still not going to, you know, tell them…" His voice trailed off and he took a deep breath to try to dispel the tension that had filled his body at the mere thought of revealing his secret.
Peter put his hand on Remus's shoulder and nodded. "I know. It's all right, no one expects you to."
Remus sighed. "Lily's going to get suspicious eventually, though. James disappears one night a month and can't tell her where he goes? She's bound to ask questions." He fought to keep his expression neutral as he took another large gulp of his drink and let the firewhisky burn away some of his anxiety.
"If she does, James will figure it out," Peter said with a reassuring grin. "He always does." He pointed out into the night at two shapes that came closer and revealed themselves to be Sirius and James.
"Oi!" Sirius shouted, hopping off his broom and making a beeline for the happy box. "First of all, sod you for that firework, I smell excellent. And second, why are you not already pouring champagne all over Prongs?"
"I'd rather drink it the normal way," James protested, but his words were drowned out as Peter and Remus both threw their arms around him, and Sirius joined the group hug while still attempting to remove the cork from the champagne bottle.
"You're going to put someone's eye out, Padfoot," Remus said, trying to turn his face away from the bottle, but Sirius ignored him and sent the cork soaring through the air and over the edge of the Astronomy Tower before holding the champagne above their heads.
"Open up, Prongs," he said before pouring a large portion into James's mouth, although an even larger portion splashed onto James's shirt, Peter's head, and the ground. "Hang on, where's the banner?" He extricated himself from his friends and took a large banner from the happy box, then used his wand to hang it on the wall so they could all admire the large letters proclaiming SHE SAID YES! "Now, I think we need a toast."
"That'll be a bit difficult, seeing as you poured half the champagne onto my shoes," James said, although his smile had not faltered and he did not seem to mind his squelchy shoes at all.
Sirius shrugged and reached for the firewhisky and another glass. "You can have the rest of the champagne and we'll have this." He poured a hefty measure of firewhisky into his glass before topping off Peter's. Remus seemed to have misplaced his glass in all the commotion, but he located it on the ground and held it out for Sirius to refill it before they all held their glasses in the air.
"We just had a toast about this on Saturday night," James pointed out. His face was starting to take on that dreamy, bemused expression he had worn Saturday night when he couldn't quite believe what was happening.
"And your point is?" He shot James a pointed glare until he raised the champagne bottle into the air with the rest of their glasses. "To Prongs and Evans, may their first date be full of snogging (and hopefully shagging)." He paused for a moment, considering their raised glasses as he thought. "And maybe some firewhisky, because that makes any date better."
"Have you been on many successful dates, Padfoot?" Remus asked, grinning.
"Well, no, but firewhisky makes most things better, so I assume dates fall into that category." He clinked his glass against the others, then took a large sip. "Congrats, mate," he said, clapping James on the back. "I knew it would work. Although I really think the song on the ukulele made all the difference."
"You know, I think it did," James said as he took a swig from the bottle. Some of the champagne had splashed onto his glasses, but he seemed not to notice. "Thanks a lot, all of you. I never could have gotten here without your help."
"You did all the hard work," Peter said. "We just did the background stuff like lighting the fireworks or, you know, playing the ukulele-"
"Excuse me, my ukulele masterpiece was not 'background stuff,'" Sirius protested. "Give us the credit we deserve, Pete. We were an integral part of Prongs and Evans getting together, and he's incredibly lucky to have friends like us. Right, Moony?"
Remus shrugged and took a sip of his drink. "I mean, we are pretty great. A couple of gems, really. But Prongs is a pretty excellent friend, too."
Before James had time to respond, Mary and Lily opened the door and strode across the Astronomy Tower to join them, walking arm-in-arm and giggling as the blanket draped around Lily's shoulders slid to the ground. Lily bent to pick it up, but before she could do so Sirius had wrapped her in a very enthusiastic hug that knocked them both to the ground. James hurried over to help them up, spilling some of his champagne on Sirius in his efforts to pull him to his feet. Remus stood back with Peter, watching the hilarity and sipping his firewhisky.
"Look at them," Peter said, grinning as James draped an arm around Lily and bent to murmur something that made her smile before he handed her the bottle of champagne. "They're so happy."
"It's about time. Prongs deserves it." His mind drifted back to their previous conversation as he watched Lily take a long swallow of champagne, then her face lit up as she caught sight of Remus and Peter, and she steered James over to join them. Remus took in the look of joy on her face, wondering if she would still greet him with such warmth if she knew who he really was, what he was. The thought filled him with sadness and self-loathing, and he felt his fingers clench around his glass as his body tensed, but he forced the thought from his mind, because tonight was not the time for brooding self-hatred. Tonight was, as he had said before, a happy day. So he pasted a smile on his face and clinked his glass against the champagne bottle in Lily's hand.
"Congrats, Lily," he said, focusing all of his energy on keeping the tension from showing through in his voice. "You're now officially part of our band of loveable idiots."
For James the night became a blur of toasts and hearty congratulations and stolen kisses with Lily when the rest of the group got distracted refilling drinks or making yet another toast or searching through the boxes because Sirius "could have sworn there were a couple more fireworks." He was having trouble keeping track of time, so it could have been minutes or hours later when Sirius turned one of the boxes upside down to serve as a makeshift card table and began dealing everyone in for a round of Exploding Snap.
"We'll play the next round," James promised as he picked up Lily's discarded blanket and slipped his hand in hers to lead her away from the group.
They wrapped themselves in the blanket and propped themselves up against the cold stone of the parapet, then laughed as they watched Sirius set down a card with too much force and jump back just in time to avoid catching his hair on fire. There was a slight breeze that lifted Lily's hair and made her shiver despite her warm layers, and James rubbed her arms and tucked the blanket more tightly around her.
"Are we being a bit rude, not playing this round?" she asked, gesturing at the game that Mary already seemed to be losing.
"Nah," James said, reaching for her hand under the blanket. "And if we are, I don't really care. I have no interest in playing Exploding Snap. I'd rather sit here and keep you warm."
She rested her head on his shoulder, and James felt a strand of her hair tickle his face. "I'm surprised you haven't collapsed from exhaustion. You were practically falling asleep in Transfiguration."
"I'm pretty sure I did fall asleep in Transfiguration," James admitted. "But now I feel wide awake. I think I'm too excited to sleep." He brushed a strand of hair out of her face and kissed the top of her head, and he felt a sense of awe that he was permitted to do these small affectionate gestures instead of settling for an accidental brush of his hand against hers or the occasional drunken hug.
"You better get some sleep tonight," she said as she snuggled even closer into him. "I don't want you losing any more sleep on my account."
"I'll try. We'll have to be fresh for patrols tomorrow night, because we are definitely not the irresponsible sort of Head Boy and Girl to take a nap in the Head office when we're supposed to be patrolling the school."
She looked up at him and grinned. "Definitely not. Although that does sound tempting. Maybe we could squeeze in a 20 minute power nap after we do a quick check of all the usual spots?"
He nodded. "I like the way you think, Evans. We should stash a blanket in there and maybe a pillow or two."
"Although we'd better keep them hidden, otherwise people might assume we're up to something even more irresponsible than a nap." She leaned in and kissed him to illustrate her point, and for a moment his friends' drunken laughter and the chill air and stone floor of the Astronomy Tower fell away as he imagined the cozy warmth of the Head office, wrapped in a blanket with Lily as they did something even more irresponsible than napping.
"Which we are definitely not irresponsible enough to do," he murmured when she pulled away.
"I dunno, we are drinking on the top of the Astronomy Tower on a school night, after setting off unauthorized fireworks," she pointed out. "That seems like the definition of irresponsible."
He tried not to focus on the implication of her words, because he was terrified to move too fast and scare her off again, but she was not making it easier by resting her hand on his thigh like that, or leaning in so close that her breath tickled his ear, or whispering, "Do you think they'll notice if we get out of here?"
Her words banished his last shred of self-restraint, and he gave the others a cursory glance before shaking his head.
"Nah, we should be able to sneak away if we're quiet." He stood and helped her to her feet before slinging the blanket over his arm and taking Lily's hand. "Come on." His heart was pounding as he took in the look of excitement on Lily's face that must have been mirrored on his own. The combination of sleep-deprivation, champagne, and overwhelming joy made coherent thought almost impossible, but he found he didn't care. Lily Evans wanted to be irresponsible with him, and after months (or years, in his case) of mutual pining and interrupted almost-moments and settling for a letter or a hug instead of a snog, they both deserved a bit of irresponsible behavior, consequences be damned. He found his feet carrying him to a spot before his brain even realized where they were headed.
"This is that broom closet we hid in last year, isn't it?" Lily asked, grinning as they came to a stop. "To dodge Filch, the night of that birthday party we threw for you and Remus."
"The very same," James said, remembering how pretty she had looked that night, her eyes bright and her head thrown back in laughter as she danced on top of a table with him with a ridiculous birthday hat perched on top of her head. "I thought we might want to pay it a visit, you know, for old time's sake. We don't have to go in, if you don't want to…" He ran a hand through his hair and tried to look nonchalant, hoping he had not misread her signals when she'd asked him to leave with her.
"Oh, I think we should," Lily said as she opened the door and stepped in, pulling him along behind her. "Like you said, for old time's sake."
He lit his wand and propped it against the wall, then sprawled out on top of the blanket and gestured for Lily to join him. "It's rather cozy in here, isn't it?"
She lay down next to him, lacing her fingers through his. "It is. And it makes a good hiding place. Why were we out this way to begin with?"
"We were spying on Remus and Seven snogging, remember?"
Her eyes widened. "Oh yeah! Now I remember. I had to drag you away because you were about to open your big fat mouth and ruin it for them." She released his hand and rolled onto her side to face him, resting her head on her elbow and draping her leg over his. "Merlin, they were cute together. Why didn't it work out?"
James shrugged and sighed. "Because Remus is, well, Remus. I don't know how else to put it, but do you know what I mean?"
"I think I do, actually. It's a shame, though. We should try to convince them to give it another go. Remus is so sweet, and he seems so sad sometimes. He deserves a bit of snogging." She reached over and ran her hand through his hair, laughing as she made it stand on end, and then her hand fell to the silver whistle around his neck. "I gave this to you that night, didn't I?"
He smiled as the memory of the gift came rushing back. "It made my night. I wear it to every Quidditch match now, or any time I need some extra luck." He grinned and propped himself up on his arm to face her. "Like tonight."
"Did it work?" Her fingers traced the tiny letters on the whistle, then released it to rest on his shoulder.
He draped his arm around her waist. "I'd say so." She inclined her face closer to his, and the movement reminded him of that night back in March after she'd given him the whistle. "Merlin, do you remember me trying to hug you, except our heads knocked together and those bloody hats started singing?" The memory of the charmed hats singing "Happy Birthday" and shattering the moment between him made him chuckle, because how many other moments had ended that way before they finally ended up here? "Although, if I'm being honest, I probably wanted to do a bit more than hug you."
"'Probably' my arse," she said. "You 100% wanted to do more than hug me. Although, if I'm being honest, I also wanted to do more than hug you."
His eyes widened. "Really?"
She scooted even closer to him and let her hand trail from his shoulder down his back.
"Yeah. I really wanted to kiss you that night."
"So why the hell didn't you?" The charged energy between them that night came back to him, as vivid as if it had been yesterday, and he experienced an odd sense of validation knowing that she had felt it too. At the same time, he couldn't help but feel exasperated, because they could have been together this whole time if it hadn't been for those bloody hats.
She shrugged. "I dunno. The hats started singing, and it killed the mood, and then I started overthinking it and chickened out." She leaned forward and kissed him, and for a moment James forgot what they had been talking about, forgot everything except the pressure of her lips moving against his until she finally pulled away and smiled. "I guess we have to make up for lost time."
"Guess so." He wrapped his other arm around her and tangled his hand in her hair, breathing in the floral scent of her shampoo and the hint of alcohol on her breath as he once again lost himself in her. He still could not quite believe any of this was happening, but even if it was all a dream, it was bloody amazing, so he stopped trying to think and let himself sink into the blissful oblivion of her body against his.
"Evans! Prongs! Come and join us!" Sirius finished his drink and waved to Lily and James, except they were no longer curled up in the blanket, or anywhere else on the Astronomy Tower.
"Some friends we are," Mary said, laughing and tossing down her remaining cards. "How long do you reckon they've been gone?"
"A bit," Remus said, stretching out on the ground and using Peter's feet for a pillow. "I figured they wanted some time alone, so I didn't point it out."
Sirius shrugged. "I suppose that's fair. They have a lot of missed snogging opportunities to make up for." He surveyed his friends and heaved a sigh of satisfaction. "Well done, everyone. We finally pulled it off." He draped an arm around Mary and slung his other arm over Peter's shoulders.
"Technically James and Lily pulled it off," Remus said.
"Oh, shut it, let me have my fun."
"Come on, aren't you going to join our drunken idiocy?" Mary asked, putting her free arm around Remus and pulling him in.
"Are we going to walk all the way back to the common room like this?" Remus asked, raising his eyebrows. 'We won't fit through the door."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Of course we're going to walk all the way back like this. We'll turn sideways to get through the door. Come on, Moony, you think this is my first act of drunken idiocy?" He spotted the brooms and other abandoned items and frowned. "Oh, shit. Pete, can you-"
"I've got it," Peter said as he pulled his wand from his pocket and began levitating the items ahead of them.
"Inappropriately drunk on a Monday," Sirius mused. "I can't remember the last time we've done this." He began humming under his breath and sighed. "Merlin, I'm never going to get that stupid song out of my head."
"You mean this song?" Mary smirked at him and raised her voice as she started singing, "The mama pajama rolled out of bed and she ran to the police station…"
Sirius scowled at her, then shrugged and sang the next line with her. After a moment, Peter and Remus joined in, so they were stumbling down the corridor with their arms around each other, singing at the top of their lungs until Peter bumped one of the boxes into the wall and Sirius told him off for not handling his ukulele with care. Between the singing and the raucous, drunken laughter, it was a miracle they made it back to the portrait hole without incident.
"Are you two going straight to bed?" Sirius asked, releasing Peter but keeping his other arm around Mary.
Remus checked his watch and frowned. "Yeah, aren't you?"
Sirius exchanged a meaningful glance with Mary, then shook his head. "I'll be up in a bit. Pete, make sure that ukulele makes it up to the dormitory safely. And the brooms, I suppose, so Prongs doesn't have a fit, but mostly the ukulele."
They both waved before heading past the portrait hole and down the corridor. It was quiet except for their footsteps and the faint sound of humming, until Mary nudged Sirius and he grinned and stopped.
"What a day, Macdonald," he said as they descended a staircase, arms still slung around each other.
"What a day," she agreed. "I think my favorite part was the 'Padfoot Smells' firework."
"Sod you," he said, laughing. "I don't care what any of you say. I smell fantastic."
"Modest, as usual." She hesitated, then glanced over at him. "Did you hear all the stuff James said? All the reasons he likes Lily?"
Sirius nodded, his expression hard to read.
"It was really…" Her voice trailed off, and she looked to Sirius for help.
"I know," he said, nodding again. "He's good at that sort of thing. Sharing his feelings and all that rubbish that I can't even think about doing until I've had a good amount of firewhisky. And he was completely bloody sober." He shook his head in disbelief. "I dunno how he does it."
"Me neither." She toyed with a stray curl as she considered whether to voice her thoughts aloud, then decided to go for it because the alcohol and the excitement of the night had dulled some of her usual reservations. "He really loves her, doesn't he? Don't tell anyone this, because I know I'm not usually the sentimental sort, but listening to him say all that, and seeing that look on his face, it almost made me bloody cry."
She half-expected Sirius to laugh, or at least tease her about it and call her a sentimental sod, but instead he glanced sideways at her, and his expression was softer than she'd seen it in a while.
"It got me a bit, too. That part about telling me off? Bloody hell, I love her for that, too." He grinned and shook his head. "It's a fucking Potter family trait. When I moved into my flat this summer, Mum and Dad - I mean the Potters, not fucking Walburga and Orion, obviously - anyway, they wrote me this letter about how proud of me they are and how they consider me a son and are going to miss me living with them."
"Oh, Black, that's so bloody sweet," Mary said, detecting the slight note of disbelief in Sirius's tone.
"I know. Fucking hell, it got me, it really did, because nobody ever says anything like that to me. Nobody's ever been bloody proud of me. I don't think Walburga and Orion were ever happy to have me as a son. At best they tolerated me, until I was sorted into Gryffindor and it turned into mutual hatred."
"Black," Mary began, but Sirius shook his head and continued speaking.
"So there I was, half a bottle of firewhisky in, and that bloody letter almost made me fucking cry." He glanced over at her and laughed. "And now I don't even know why I'm telling you this story, except to say if James's spiel got to you, it's understandable, because it happens to the best of us, and his family is good at making even people like us feel fucking feelings."
Mary couldn't speak for a moment, because the words Nobody's ever been bloody proud of me kept echoing in her head, and the vulnerability on Sirius's face when he described the contents of the letter had nearly broken her heart. After taking a deep breath she sighed and tightened her arm around him.
"Thanks, Black," she said, trying to keep her tone light and casual despite the lump that had formed in her throat. "And you might call me a sentimental sod for saying this, but the Potters are absolutely right. Anyone in their right mind would be proud to have you as a son."
He stopped walking and turned to her, his eyes widening in surprise. "You said almost the same thing to me before."
She frowned. "Did I?"
"Yeah, end of fifth year, down by the lake, do you remember? We had a bit of a heart to heart about not wanting to go home for the summer. Probably the first conversation we ever had that wasn't just me shamelessly flirting with you or trying to get information about Evans. I dunno why, but what you said always stuck with me. It's part of what made me decide to move out of Grimmauld Place. You said something about how my parents should be proud to have a son like me, and if they're not then fuck them."
"That does sound like something I'd say," Mary said, chuckling, and then the memory of that June day came back to her in such vivid detail that she could almost smell the smoke from their cigarettes and hear his voice telling her she was worth twelve of Mulciber. She had found herself circling back to that conversation for weeks afterwards, recalling Sirius's words when she lay in bed staring at the wall, unable to sleep despite the dull, constant exhaustion. She couldn't say why, but his words had ultimately been what had gotten her out of the darkest month of her life, and it struck her as funny that the same conversation had meant so much to Sirius as well.
"Hang on, I do remember that," she said, struggling to keep her voice from trembling. "You said some things that really helped me as well. I, well, I went through a bit of a rough patch, and what you said helped get me through."
For a moment his grey eyes registered surprise, but then his face split into his usual grin, and she was grateful, because she wasn't sure how much more serious conversation she could take before the tumultuous emotions of the last two days pushed her over the edge and she ended up crying in the sixth floor corridor over a conversation that had happened a year and a half ago.
"Glad I could help, Macdonald," he said, his tone light and casual again.
"Yeah, me too." The weight of all the unsaid words and unexpressed emotions hung between them, too heavy and complex to acknowledge tonight.
"All right, here's what we're going to do," he said, taking her hand and leading her down the corridor. "I don't think either of us can handle any more talking about our feelings tonight, so let's go shag in the Trophy Room, because it's right here and why the fuck not, and then we can go to bed and rest up for a nice, crisis-free day tomorrow. Okay?"
She grinned and nodded. "Yeah, sounds good." As he pulled her into the Trophy Room, she thought once more of how much his bracing words had soothed her troubled mind, but then he kissed her and she let the thought drift away as she enjoyed the comforting familiarity of his embrace.
"Evans." His voice was breathless and faint, and it took her a moment to realize he was expecting a response. "Evans, hang on a minute."
She pulled away but kept her hands tucked under his shirt, feeling no desire to end the physical contact. "What's wrong?" His hair was even more untidy than usual, and his eyes were bright with the same insatiable desire she knew must be reflected on her own face.
"Nothing, I just…" He took a deep breath and brushed her hair out of her face. "Do you think we should stop and go back to the common room?"
His words took her by surprise, because stopping had been the last thing on her mind. Even now she had to resist the urge to press herself against him again and cover his mouth with hers. "Do you want to stop?"
He laughed softly. "No, not at all. I think you can, er, tell how much I don't want to stop. But I just thought maybe we should try to take it slow, because you panicked a bit before when things were moving too fast. And we're both a bit drunk, and we're not exactly thinking clearly at the moment, so I just wanted to make sure you were okay with this." He leaned over and kissed her, and it was gentle and tender, so different from the desperate, hungry kisses they had shared before. "I don't want to mess this up again, because if you couldn't tell, I really like you."
"I really like you, too, and I have no desire to stop." She wound a hand through his hair and moved closer to him, pressing her lips to his in an attempt to convince him just how much she wanted to keep going.
"Well, yeah, that's how you feel now," he said when they broke apart again, although his breathing was even more elevated and his resolve appeared to be slipping. "But I think you'll feel differently later. I know you, Evans. And it would be really selfish of me to ignore your feelings and go ahead anyway just because I really, really want to. And bloody hell, you are not helping."
She pulled her hand away from the front of his trousers, smirking. "Well, you're not helping either, because being all sweet and considerate and concerned just makes me want you even more."
He laughed and laced his fingers through hers, running his thumb slowly along her hand as he studied her face, and even this light touch was almost enough to drive her over the edge. "Sorry. Would you rather me be an arsehole?"
"No," she said, laughing. "It's just, you're right. Stopping would be the responsible thing to do. Except I don't want you to be right, and I don't want to be responsible. What I want to do is stay in this broom cupboard and do all sorts of irresponsible things with you." She moved closer to him and breathed in the scent of his soap and the hint of firewhisky on his breath, and the look on his face and the tension in his body told her that even the slightest touch of her hand or the whisper of his name in his ear would make him lose what little control remained. It would be so easy, and she almost let herself, but then his words came back to her, breaking through the haze of hormones and alcohol. I don't want to mess this up again. He was right, and of course he was, because he understood her tumultuous emotions better than anyone else, and she couldn't just ignore this and risk hurting him again when she inevitably panicked under more sober and less disheveled circumstances.
She kissed him again, then sighed. "All right, I think we should actually stop. But what if we just snog for five more minutes and then stop?"
The offer tempted him, and she could see him almost give in as he reached for her and trailed his fingers down her waist, but then he shook his head and sat up. "No. If we don't stop right now, I don't trust myself to be able to stop at all." He reached for his wand, then got to his feet and offered her a hand up.
"Fine." She sighed and let him help her up. "When did you become more responsible than me?"
He grinned and ran a hand through his hair before opening the door and leading the way back out into the corridor. "Tonight I organized a plan that involved setting off fireworks, playing a ukulele on broomstick, and drinking on the Astronomy Tower after hours. I'd hardly say that qualifies as responsible."
She slipped her hand into his as they made their way back to the common room, smiling in spite of the part of her that wanted to pull him back into the broom cupboard and finish what they had started. "Well, that's true. But still, it took a lot of self-control, and I really appreciate you trying to take my feelings into consideration, even though I didn't exactly act appreciative."
"I told you, I'm not letting myself fuck this up." He glanced sideways at her, and the determination on his face combined with his rumpled clothing and crooked glasses was so adorable that she almost pushed him up against the wall and snogged him all over again. "But I think you're giving me too much credit. I was about a second away from saying sod responsibility, let's just stay here after all, because my usual distraction tactic is to run Quidditch plays in my head, except it wasn't bloody helping at all."
"And I wasn't helping either, was I?" She released his hand and slipped her hand into his front pocket, enjoying the expression of surprise mingled with pleasure.
"Fuck, Evans. Are you trying to torture me?"
She grinned and removed her hand, lacing her fingers through his once again. "No, I'm trying to - well, I suppose that's counterproductive, because we're both trying to be responsible. Sorry, I promise I'll behave. Why don't you talk to me about Quidditch stuff? Maybe that'll help."
He spent the rest of the walk back to the common room describing the strategies the team planned to use in the match against Slytherin next month, and Lily tried to focus on his words instead of letting her mind drift back to the most enjoyable moments of their time in the broom cupboard. When they reached the portrait hole and stepped through into the common room, still holding hands, most of the other Gryffindors had already gone to bed, but they spotted Bubbles and his girlfriend cozied up together on a sofa. James gave them a quick wave, then started laughing when Bubbles noticed their clasped hands and broke into cheers and applause.
"Merlin, Bubbles, you'll wake everyone up," James said, grinning and glancing at Lily.
"Not to mention you're making it awkward for them," his girlfriend added, rolling her eyes.
"That's all right. I don't mind," Lily said, looking down at their fingers laced together and feeling a sense of satisfaction and rightness.
"And you know how much I love being the center of attention," James added. "So feel free to clap or cheer any time we enter a room."
"Will do," Bubbles said with a grin. "We're just really happy for you, mate."
His girlfriend nodded as she took in their identical smiles and clasped hands. "You do look cute together."
"Course we do," James said, running a hand through his hair and glancing over at Lily. "Anyway, we're off to bed. You two have fun."
"Night," Lily said, returning their wave before James led her back towards the portrait hole to give them a bit more privacy. He pulled her into a hug and as they clung to each other she breathed a sigh of satisfaction. The day had been nothing less than a whirlwind of emotions, but the sleep deprivation and the crippling guilt and regret seemed like a distant memory with his arms around her.
"Good night, Evans," he whispered, cupping her face with his hand and kissing her one last time. "It's been a truly excellent day."
"It really has." She stood there, soaking up his idiotic grin and that untidy hair and the mischievous hazel eyes that she had only recently begun to appreciate. "Good night, James."
And she turned and headed for the girls' staircase, a smile lingering on her face even as she curled up in bed and drifted off to sleep.