A/N: This is pure speculation on my part, but I think William Murdoch would be haunted by his dealings with James Gillies as shown in Midnight Train to Kingston, and he would seek help the best way he knew how.

Groaning softly to himself, a drowsy Father Gregory Clements sat on the edge of his narrow bed and stretched a bit as he let his eyes adjust to the dim candlelight in his small bedroom, which was situated in the back of the rectory. He wouldn't normally be up before the crack of dawn on a Thursday morning, but he'd received an urgent request from one of his parishioners the evening before, and even though he found it hard to believe the visit was necessary, the priest had agreed to make himself available at 6 AM the next day. As the man's confessor, there would be no excuse for doing otherwise, even if the request was quite unusual.

The man in question had said that he simply couldn't wait until the normal confession times on Saturday morning, and he wanted to confess his sins before he went to work on Thursday...that his conscience wouldn't allow him to live with his guilt for a minute longer. The man truly felt as if his soul was at risk...and with his dangerous profession, what would happen if he died unforgiven? He didn't want to take that chance. He wanted to participate in the Rite of Reconciliation as soon as possible.

Despite his slight grumblings as he got ready for the day, Father Clements realized that such an early hour would work out well for everyone involved. They'd be finished well before he needed to say the Mass this morning, and there'd be ample time for the calls to the parish shut-ins he had planned for later in the day. Perhaps there'd even be time to take a short nap later, to compensate for the early hour of his rising.

The priest sat in the stillness of his small chamber, pondering over what this particular man...a man who outwardly seemed to be a paean of piety, virtue, and humility...would need to confess so desperately. What could this man possibly have done that would be so dreadful? Father Clements simply could not imagine what the problem was, but that wasn't really important right now. In accordance with the Rites of the Church, if the man asked to have his confession heard immediately, it was the priest's duty to comply, even if the sun hadn't come up yet.

After glancing at his pocket watch, Father Clements quickly dressed and made his way from the rectory to the church in the early morning darkness. He genuflected as he entered and then lit some candles on the sanctuary's high altar before settling in a pew beside the booth where he'd sit to hear the man's confession. As usual, the man was right on time. "Good morning, Father…"

"Good morning, William. How are you?"

"I'm well, thank you." The detective tried to smile. "I...um...I appreciate you taking time for this, especially with it being so early in the morning. I know my request is an imposition on you, but I must talk to someone..."

"It's no problem. That's what I'm here for, after all. Please…" Father Clements gestured toward the confessional booth and the men took their places on either side of the screen. "Let's begin." Both men made the sign of the cross as the priest invoked the Holy Trinity. "In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen." He paused slightly. "What weighs so heavily on your heart today, my son?"

After hesitating for a minute, William spoke quietly. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been five days since my last confession." He groaned softly, studying his hands as he struggled to say aloud what was troubling him so deeply, as if uttering the words was physically painful. Exhaling slowly, he continued. "These are my sins: I have hated a man with a fury that goes down to the very depths of my soul. I loathed him so much that I wanted to kill him. I hoped with all my heart that he would die a horrible death, and I was willing to make his death come to pass so I would be rid of him. I had considered many possible ways to murder him, including ways to kill him with my own bare hands...and I believe, if given the chance, I would've done so without hesitation or remorse, even though killing someone under those circumstances is a mortal sin."

"Oh my…" Father Clements was unable to suppress the gasp that rose in his throat. "I must admit to being shocked, William…"

"I understand, Father. I, too, was shocked when I realized I was having those feelings, and yet...I assure you, they have been quite real. Knowing how I felt towards this man makes it difficult for me to look at myself in the mirror...all I see before me now is a monster. And then there's another issue...if I truly desired to kill a man, no matter how terrible a human being he may have been, how can I continue my work as an officer of the law? What kind of hypocrite am I? How can I look the constables at my station in the eye, knowing how I felt...that I wanted to murder someone? That I might be like one of the murderous offenders we track down? Do I need to find another line of work? And if so, what?"

"I don't know how to answer those questions at this moment, my son. We'll need to pray for the Lord's guidance as we spend our time together this morning." Exhaling slowly, the priest chewed his lip slightly. "Um...why don't you tell me what happened so I may understand where these feelings come from."

"Well…" William fidgeted with his hat as he remembered the evening in question. "I was involved in a police detail where we were transporting a condemned prisoner, via the overnight train, to the prison in Kingston for his execution. The man in question was a vile, disgusting creature...he had killed several people in dreadful ways for the sheer sport of it, and he would've killed many more if he hadn't been caught when he was. As a matter of fact, he'd threatened me as well...he held me captive with the intent of ending my life, and he would've been successful if my inspector hadn't found me in time. There was absolutely no doubt as to this man's guilt, and justice would've been served by his execution...if we had been successful in getting him to his destination, that is…"

"I see. So you failed to carry out the transfer? Is that what's bothering you, William?"

"No...well, maybe that is a slight part of it, but..." Hesitating slightly, William sighed quietly. "You see, the prisoner had a way of taunting people, of twisting their words and using those words against them, hoping to incite them to rash, violent acts. He made horrible, filthy insinuations about someone I love dearly...someone he'd also threatened to kill...he'd actually threatened her many times, even burying her alive at one point. So, in addition to holding me captive, twice he was almost successful in causing her death, and I confess...I was outraged...I hated him for what he he had done to her...I hated him more than I've ever hated anyone in my entire life." William cleared his throat softly. "Even though I wanted to avoid him, I had to talk to him about something that happened on the trip, and he quickly tried to take advantage of me. In an effort to harass me, the man mentioned those events to me...how he'd framed the woman for the murder of her husband...how she was almost executed for that crime...he even laughed about those things to my face, Father, knowing how it would anger me. He tried to turn those things against me, gleefully reminding me of how he'd deliberately hurt her...and saying that I had benefitted from her husband's death. He stated that I should be glad for everything he'd done for me in regards to her...and my hatred...the abhorrence and disgust I felt for him...almost overtook me. The urge to end his life was incredibly strong, and I might've beaten him to death right there in the train car where I confronted him, except a constable stopped me from doing so, thank God."

Father Clements interrupted. "So you didn't beat the man…"

"No, I didn't lay a hand on the man, but he'd made me angry enough that I might've killed him right then and there, if I'd had the chance. I know now that he was baiting me, hoping that I'd do something stupid that would cause me to lose my job...and perhaps even causing me to sacrifice my own freedom...but at the time, I was so furious that all I could think about was getting my hands around his throat to choke the life from him…or using my fists to beat him until he was senseless. My hatred for him was so intense that I wished he was dead." William paused for a minute or two. "You know what it says in Proverbs, Father: As a man thinketh, so he is. If I'd followed my baser instincts, I would've been a killer, just like him. At that moment I was no better than he was. That's how I've sinned, Father...I desired his death...I thought about killing him, which makes it as bad as if I'd actually committed the crime."

Exhaling slowly, Father Clements ran his fingers over his rosary beads as he contemplated his visitor's statement. "So is that what has weighed so heavily on your heart, William? But why? You overcame your anger...you had evil thoughts, but you didn't let them ruin you...even under tremendous stress, you resisted the urge to sin further..."

"Unfortunately, that's not even the worst of it, Father." William suddenly felt sick to his stomach as he attempted to recount what had happened next. "During the transfer, the prisoner managed to escape from the train...it's a long story, and that's not the point, I suppose. Anyway, he was still in his handcuffs as he ran down the train tracks towards a bridge over the Don River. I caught up with him and tried to beat him into submission…" He paused, hoping to compose himself. "...but he got away again, and he jumped into the river...so I jumped in after him."

"Oh, good heavens!" Father Clements was horrified. "You took a huge risk, my son! You might've been killed!"

"Looking back on it now, I know how foolish it was, but I believe my anger and frustration clouded my judgement." William exhaled slowly. "It's part of my sworn duty as an officer of the law to see that convicted killers face whatever judgment the courts decree. I told myself I was merely doing my job." He paused as he recalled the painful memories of that dark night. "I told myself that my duty was the only reason I wanted to apprehend the criminal, but...while I was in the river, as the strong currents swirled around me and pulled me along, I began to think that instead of trying to pull the man out of the water to safety so we could continue the transport...I thought maybe it would be better if I simply drowned him instead. Bound with the handcuffs as he was, he wouldn't be able to fend me off easily, so I'd have the upper hand. I'd catch him and hold him under the water until he died. No one would be the wiser. Nobody would care how he died, since he was already a condemned man, and they'd probably rejoice that he was gone. Everyone would assume that the river took him…and we'd be done with the matter for good. He'd be dead, and I'd have my revenge for all the pain he'd put me through while he was alive. It would be the perfect crime. Of course, I completely overlooked the fact that I might drown as well, but obviously I wasn't thinking straight...my emotions had taken over."

It seemed like an hour of silence passed between the men before Father Clements coughed quietly. Unsure if he wanted to know the truth, he whispered his question. "So what happened?"

"The river currents carried me into a large pile of branches along the shore, dislocating my shoulder before I could find the convict, so he was left to fight the fast moving water on his own. The riverbanks are being searched for his body as we speak. It's assumed that because he was still handcuffed, he drowned in the river...but not by my hand. I promise you that, Father. I had nothing to do with his death, no matter how much I might have desired it at the time."

"I see…" More silent minutes passed before Father Clements spoke again. "Have you ever had to kill someone in the line of duty, William?"

The detective answered quietly. "Yes, I have, but only once. The man in question was threatening an innocent woman, and if I hadn't shot him, he would've killed her. I had no choice if I was to save her. It had to be done."

"Did you feel the same amount of guilt at the time?"

"It did bother me to take a life, of course, Father, but I sought absolution for taking that life, and it was granted…and it no longer haunts me as it once did."

Father Clements nodded as he listened. "How was that situation different from the one you've just described to me?"

"Well…" William thought over the question for a minute. "I suppose there was no real malice involved in the previous situation. It was a more instinctual response...shoot the man or someone would be killed. With this most recent situation, I had malice in my heart...I wished the man was dead…it would've been a premeditated murder...a mortal sin."

"So in the first instance, it was almost as if it was a response to the heat of battle. You didn't plan on killing the man…"

Becoming frustrated with his priest's meandering questions, William spoke sharply. "And I planned to murder the second man, but didn't go through with it…but thinking about it is still a sin..."

Sighing softly, the priest shook his head. "William, I sincerely doubt that you could actually kill someone in a premeditated fashion. Your sense of right and wrong...your deep faith...those things are too ingrained in you for you to be swayed into the commission of a murder. They are too much a part of who you are."

"But…"

"And I assume you've never felt this way about anyone else in your life, correct? You've never hated anyone like that?"

"No...never. I can normally remain impartial...rational and logical...when dealing with a criminal, no matter how heinous they may be. I make it a point to avoid becoming emotionally involved...which, I suppose, is why I was so surprised by the depth of my fury."

"So you have very little experience in dealing with this sort of hatred." Father Clements pressed his fingertips together. "I see…"

Sighing, William shook his head. "I am an adult, Father! I should have better control over my thoughts and my emotions.".

"Possibly, but, as it says in Romans: All sin and fall short of the Glory of God. No one is immune to sin, William...not even those who are logical and rational." Father Clements continued to press his point. "Surely you must realize that every man, no matter how virtuous a Christian he is, comes to a time where he hates someone...sometimes enough to wish him dead. Remember the story of Cain and Abel?"

"Yes, of course...and as a result of his crime, Cain became a marked man and wandered the Earth for the rest of his days because he killed his brother. Perhaps, because I hated this criminal so violently, I should be a marked man as well." William scoffed at the priest's assertions before responding angrily. "It makes no difference if 'everyone' feels hate from time to time, Father. It's still a sin! We're called to extend Christian love and charity to our fellow man, and I could not do that for this sorry excuse for a human being! I hated him! I sincerely hope he's dead and burning in Hell!"

"If any man sin, we have an Advocate with the Father...Jesus Christ the Righteous...and He is the Propitiation for our sins…" The priest nodded as he quoted the text of 1 John. "Remember...you can be absolved of this sin if you'll allow yourself to accept forgiveness, William, for nothing is impossible with God. Besides, if this man was as horrible as you say...and I don't doubt that for a minute...I think if you consider the situation logically, you might realize that you actually hated the evil which the man was doing more than you hated the man himself…"

William grunted in irritation. "In this case, Father, I believe the man and the evil were inseparable...I think he was evil to the core…not worthy to live on this Earth. He had no redeeming value as far as I can tell, which flies in the face of our Creator, does it not?"

"Perhaps it does...and, then the question becomes this: how can such evil occur in the world unless it comes from the realms of the Devil? Perhaps that's what you encountered with this person, my son, and because of your strong desire to seek justice and root out evil in the world, you found the man to be so incredibly despicable...and so perhaps, this was another battle that you were fighting...a battle in the war between good and evil. The prophet Amos puts it this way: Hate evil. Love good. And let justice prevail at the gate. Perhaps by wishing this man dead, you were assisting Justice to prevail."

"So I'd be justified in killing him, as if I was doing the Lord's will by destroying an evil man?" William brushed away a tear as he sighed in frustration. "But how does that knowledge help me, Father? No...no, that doesn't work to absolve my guilt! I wanted him dead for my own personal reasons, not because I thought his death would serve God's purpose! I had worked out a way to kill him so I could take my revenge on him, instead of taking him to his execution, so how would that be justice? Don't you see? If I'd killed him, I'd be no better than some vigilante, taking the law into my own hands, and that's not what I'm supposed to do! My job is to arrest people and provide evidence of their crimes to the Crown. I don't make decisions about punishment! I don't sit in judgement of others!"

Father Clements quickly interrupted. "William, I'll say it again. Given how badly you feel about simply wishing the evil man was dead, I sincerely doubt that you'd actually be able to go through with killing him. Your strong sense of morality would've protected you from doing so. Remember, wanting something in passing and actually choosing to do something are entirely two different things, and by your own admission, you didn't kill him. I understand your feelings of guilt...but I don't believe you actually committed a mortal sin by wishing him dead."

William was unconvinced. "But how can I face the woman I love...the men I work with...knowing that I had such terrible thoughts? Do I deserve their trust?"

"I imagine, given the situation you've described, if they knew your thoughts, they would understand how you felt at that moment, William, and they would forgive you, even if you feel that you don't deserve it. Remember...none of us actually deserve to be forgiven, but Christ died for our sins, so we can be forgiven anyway. The greater issue, as I see it, is whether you will be able to forgive yourself. As a normally logical, impartial person, I know how much those horrible thoughts must distress you, but you must let them go...you must stop dwelling on your failings." Father Clements paused for a few seconds. "So...how did you feel at this moment, knowing that you weren't able to recapture the man while you were in the water?"

"Honestly, I feel relieved that I wasn't put to that test. What happened to the man is someone else's concern now." William sat quietly for a few seconds. "Perhaps the Lord was looking out for me that evening...perhaps He kept me from committing that sin. I wasn't led into that temptation, thank God..."

"Perhaps. And, perhaps, if you are ever put to that test again, you'll be able to think things through clearly, and then respond in a way that won't cause you so much grief. In the meantime, you should work on cleansing your heart of the hate and grief this man's actions have caused you. I know you're feeling oppressed by the dreadful thoughts you've had in that regard, and yes...hating someone can be seen as a sin, especially if you hate someone so much that you wish them dead, but it is possible for you to overcome those evil thoughts and gain some relief...as well as your absolution. Now that those thoughts are out in the open, we can see them for what they are...burdens on your soul, which is a good definition of sin, isn't it? It's possible that your hate and anger might even be righteous, given how horrible the man was, but it does no good to dwell on those emotions if you feel that they will lead you down the wrong path. Let our Lord carry those burdens for you. Ask for His help and His forgiveness, and then accept the absolution you'll be given by Him. He'll help you move past this anger and guilt that you're carrying...if you let Him do so."

The priest paused for a few seconds. "You can also call on St. Michael to help you fight those battles against the Evil One. After all, he is the patron saint of police officers. Ask him to help you stand firm against Satan and his demons...against the darkness of Hell...and call on the Lord to cleanse your heart. I think you'll find your burdens will be eased over time." He chuckled softly. "And yes, you can still invoke the patron saint of police officers, William. I believe that your penchant for constant self examination will allow you to avoid falling into the trap of taking the law into your own hands while you seek justice for others. You're still deserving of the trust of your fellow policemen...and of your lady friend, too."

"I hope so. I know I can't bear the burden of these thoughts by myself any longer. I will follow your advice and pray that the Lord helps me overcome the evil they inflict on me." William sighed softly as he continued with the Rite of Reconciliation. "I am sorry for these and for all my sins, Father. I shall endeavor to keep my mind focused on purer thoughts, and I shall ask the Lord and all the saints to ease the burden of hatred I may still bear for that man in my soul."

"I believe those petitions would be most helpful, William. Remove yourself from the temptation of thinking about that man. As you've said, he is someone else's concern now. Don't give the memory of his horrible taunting any more of your time. Don't let him damage your soul to the point where you are tempted to sin again."

William nodded in agreement. "Yes, Father."

The priest sighed as he considered what should be required for William's penance. "In order to help you achieve more order and focus in your thoughts, I'd like you to say 3 additional rosaries between now and Sunday, and also meditate on the Sorrowful Mysteries every day for the next week."

"Yes, Father…"

After reciting the Prayer of Contrition and receiving his absolution, William smiled faintly. "Thank you, Father. I appreciate your time." He inhaled deeply. "I do feel better now that things are out in the open. It may take some time until I'm truly free of my burdens, but it's a start..."

"I'm glad, William. After all, we know confession is good for the soul."

"Absolutely." As they left the booth, William bowed slightly before putting on his hat. "I'll see you Saturday, Father Clements."

"Until then, William."

Father Clements watched William leave, wondering how much better the world might be if everyone used the same amount of scrutiny that Detective Murdoch did when they examined the effect their own thoughts had on the well being of their souls. "Self examination...self regulation...focus on the good...cast off evil thoughts...ask the Lord to lead us…," he mumbled to himself. "We could all use more of that…"

As he rose to walk back to the sacristy, he genuflected in front of the altar, pausing to study the large crucifix above it, when other thoughts struck him forcefully, shaking him like a jolt of electricity.

"What kind of terrible evil must exist out there in the world, if it can make a calm, rational, devout man like William Murdoch consider murder? What sort of wickedness could torture his soul like that? And how strong is he that he can resist that sort of evil and wickedness? "

The priest blessed himself as he sank to his knees and began to pray for his parishioner. "Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the Devil; may God rebuke him, we most humbly pray; and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the Power of God, thrust into Hell Satan and all evil spirits who wander through the world for the ruin of souls. Amen."

Feeling some relief as he shook off the glimpse of evil he'd seen, he exhaled slowly as he walked back to the sacristy to vest for the morning's service, mumbling to himself as he took his chasuble from its hanger.

"Thank you, Lord, for good, honest men like William Murdoch, who keep evil at bay so the rest of us might live in peace. Give him, and all police officers, peace in their souls, and be with them as they face life's temptations. Amen."

Although I did research on the Rite of Reconciliation, I'm not Roman Catholic, so there maybe errors in the story. I apologize for those mistakes.

I know it's hard to believe that Detective Murdoch might have such evil thoughts, but he is human, like the rest of us...and even good men make mistakes.

Thanks for reading. If you have time to review, I'd appreciate it. Laura.