Chapter 11: The Exorcism Of Clark Kent

Clark got out of his pickup truck just outside of Talia's house. The dark clouds hid the moon creating a very dark night.

The puffy face and hunched over misery of a trapped man was all to familiar for Bruce as he watched him from afar.

As Clark approached the front door, a voice called out. "You don't wanna go in there."

He turned to see Catwoman.

"Who the hell are you?" He asked.

"Oh I wouldn't worry about me so much as I'd worry about him."

"Who?"

"Me." A voice crept up behind him again. He turned to see Batman.

Clark flinched and backed away. "Ok seriously, who are you people?"

"Fear." He answered wrapping Clark in a head and arm triangle to choke him out. He squeezed as hard as he could. But it didn't seem to work.

Clark just shook his head and sighed. "Bad move." With little effort he busted out of Bruce's grip, lifted him up off his feet and slammed him to the ground.

Bruce let out a loud grunt as he hit the floor. "Holy shit!" He knew Clark was strong but he didn't think he could just effortlessly pick up and slam all 225 pounds of him like that."

Clark stood over him and cracked his knuckles. "You messed with the wrong- Agggghggg!" He cried out in pain before falling to the ground unconscious next to Bruce.

Selina stood there with a large eclectic prod in hand with a little steam coming from the tip. Selina blew on it and grinned at Bruce.

"What would you do without me, babe?" She teased.

"The hell is that thing?" He asked as he got back to his feet.

She shrugged. "I don't know what it's called. I just know it shocks people good."

"Where'd you get it?"

"I know a guy."

"What guy?"

"No, you're not busting my dealer."

"Are you sure that thing is safe for humans? That thing looks like it's mean for elephants."

"It probably is. That's why it's illegal."

Bruce pressed his hand to his head. "Why did you shock my best friend with an illegal electric prod?"

Selina scoffed. "Oh, because you totally had he situation under control on your back, right?"

Bruce opened his mouth to reply but realized she had him there and he didn't have a good comeback.

With a sigh he nodded. "Well at least he's still breathing. Just grab his legs. Let's get him to the cave."

Bruce picked him up by the arms as Selina grabbed his legs and they stowed him in the trunk of the Bat-car.

"Say when are you gonna let me drive this thing?" She asked.

He stared at her for a second before answering. "Never."

Back in the cave they had Clark tied up to a chair. They were about to wake him up and get to work. Bruce was rubbing his chest a little. Selina noticed.

"You okay?" She asked with a slight hint of concern in her voice.

"Yeah it's nothing." He assured her. "Just a little sore is all."

Bruce opened up a smelling salt under Clark's nose. He woke right up.

"What's going on? Where am i?"

"Believe it or not it's a safe place." Bruce answered. "A lot safer than the house you were about to walk into."

Clark looked around the cave. Then down at the chair he was tied to. "I'm totally about to flex and bust out of this." He tried to do so. But he couldn't. "You're lucky I haven't been out in the sun in days, otherwise you'd be dead."

Selina and Bruce looked at each other confused.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She asked.

Clark nervously shrugged. "I uh. I don't know what I mean. It's not like I get power from the sun or anything." He gulped.

"Well... that was weird." Bruce said. "But let's continue. We're business associates of your friend, Bruce Wayne."

"And his amazing girlfriend, Selina." She added.

"You have fallen victim to the mind games of Talia al Ghul. Who like a true parasite entered through your nether regions and latched herself onto your brain."

"Gross." Selina tried not to gag.

"Our plan is to somewhat deprogram you and free your mind."

"What if it doesn't work?" Clark asked.

Selina put her hand on his shoulder. "Then to save you a fate worse than death we will castrate and lobotomize you."

"No we won't." Bruce replied sternly.

"Of course not." She replied as she mimicked the snipping of scissors with her fingers.

"Now let's get started." He pulled out a little gold bar from his nearby desk. "This here is an authentic gold bar."

"You just keep that in your desk?" Selina asked.

Bruce continued. "Clark, i will give you this gold bar if you say one bad thing about Talia."

"If i do... Does Talia get to keep the gold?"

"Oh shit." Selina sighed.

"We have our work cut out for us." Bruce folded his arms.

It was a long process of getting Clark to realize Talia was no good for him. A lot of yelling and smacking him upside the head. Eventually he finally realized they were right.

"She's so awful. The sex is great but she makes me eat vegan and vape. She bought me a bunch of skinny jeans so tight I can't even feel my legs. And now she wants him to get a man-bun! A man-bun, man! She's slowly turning me into a douchebag and I hate it! But the sex is so damn good and I'm so depressed. I'm at her mercy!"

Bruce and Selina looked at each other. "I think you're ready for the next step." Bruce untied him.

"Who are you guys? Really?" Clark asked

"Your guardian angels Clark." Selina replied

"Let's get you ready for chemical warfare. Talia does not abide by the Geneva Convention." Bruce pulled out a large bottle of perfume. "This is Talia's signature perfume, Girth. It's intoxicating aroma will make you vulnerable to her seduction. So we'll have to change that."

"How?" Clark asked.

"Have you heard of the Pavlov experiment where he conditioned a dog to salivate at the sound of a bell? Well we are going to conduct a similar experiment on you." Bruce explained as sprayed him with the perfume.

Clark breathed it in and smiled. "Mmm smells good."

Selina then slapped him across the face.

"Ow!" He cried.

"Again." Selina ordered. Bruce sprayed him again.

"Talia?" He cried out only to be met with another slap. "Ow! How many times are we gonna do this?"

"Until the bottle is empty and the only thing that comes to your mind when you smell this again is pain." Bruce explained as he sprayed him again and Selina slapped him again.

"Talia?" He cried out again.

"Talia can't save you now!" Selina yelled.

"Where is she? I want her!"

"Spray him agin." Selina requested. Bruce did so. "Twice." Bruce sprayed again. Selina then slapped him twice.

Once they went through the whole bottle, Clark sat in the chair in absolute pain. He never wanted to smell that perfume ever again.

"I'd say it's going well so far, but it's too early to tell." Bruce said to Selina.

"I know. He was pretty far gone."

They tried another tactic to help train Clark in standing up to Talia.

"Okay Clark time for some scenarios." Bruce said. "I will play you in this scenario and my assistant,"

"Partner!" Selina corrected him.

",Will play Talia." Bruce continued.

Selina began to mimic Talia's voice. "Hey there you stud horsey. Why don't we mount up and giddy up into Boner Town? Hmm? Let's say we get gross in that pet store bathroom?"

Clark watched and nodded. "Do it."

Bruce lightly pushed her away. "There will be no sex between us Talia. Instead why don't you go into that pet store and feed yourself to the snakes? To hell with you woman. Goodbye."

Selina turned to Clark. "Did you notice how he kept his eyes up and away from me?"

Clark nodded.

"Talia will come at you topless and or pantless so you need to be able to overt your eyes."

"Maybe you should demonstrate?" Clark suggested.

Selina stared him down. "Bruce go get another bottle of perfume."

"No! No no no! I was just kidding!"

A few hours later Clark was standing up practicing his lines.

"Talia this disgustingly unhealthy relationship is over!"

Selina continued playing Talia. "Are you sure you don't want to just strip down and get nasty you sex maggot?"

Clark struggled. "Uhmmm. Yes please?"

Both Bruce and Selina slapped him upside the head.

"Run it again." Bruce ordered.

"Hey Clark." Selina started. "I got a bag full of nuts, energy bars, Gatorade, and a Chinese finger trap. What say we go on a sex marathon? Then I'll tie you to a leash and parade you around at the next feminist rally as my little sex pet."

"No!" Clark barked with authority. "I refuse to be your toy any longer! This thing is over!"

Bruce and Selina looked at each other and nodded.

"Well done Clark. You are ready to stand up to her and get your old life back."

"Thanks man." Clark replied. "Hey who even are you guys?"

"Just figments of your twisted imagination." Bruce answered.

Selina snuck up behind him and knocked him out with some chloroform. She let his body hit the ground face first.

"Selina." Bruce sighed. "You're supposed to catch him after you knock him out."

"I know." Selina replied. "But he's been a real douche nozzle all year. Even before Talia. Maybe a good bump on his head is what he needs to turn back to his old self."

Bruce rolled his eyes. "Let's just take him home."

Clark woke up in his bed the next morning not sure if was all a dream or not. But if it was a dream, that mean his subconscious was trying to tell him to break free.

"I can do this!" He said to himself.

He went downstairs and hugged his mom and dad like he never hugged them before. Apologized for not coming home the last few days and promised to do his chores free of any allowance for a week.

He stepped outside and soaked in the morning sun. "Hello old friend." He could feel his strength come back to him. He was ready to face the music.