I firmly believe that it is a mark of an inferior craftsman to blame your tools for your failings. "I couldn't make a bookcase because my hammer is stupid" is never an acceptable excuse. Neither is "My writing is bad because my computer doesn't have spellcheck." A true artist adapts to what they do have. A bad artist whines about what they don't.

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Weird Facts about Me

Sulking when I'm upset makes me happy.

I hate cornfields. They creep me out. And just my luck, I live in Illinois.

My voice goes low in the mornings and high in the evenings. I don’t know why.

I have a fetish for pointed ears.

As far as my age, I've been told that I come across as anything from eleven to thirty-something. I am in my twenties. Let's leave it there.

If I was a boy, my name would be Peter.

I keep racing pigeons. Yes, you read that right. Racing pigeons.

No one knows for sure what color my eyes are, including my optometrist.

I despise Walmart more than almost anything else, and I'm convinced that it's going to take over the world. There is a reason for this assumption, beyond my own paranoia. If you're interested in details, PM me.

I like the popping noise a cork makes as it comes out of a bottle.

I have a tendency to give random inanimate objects names and personalities.

I tend to start laughing uncontrollably at really inappropriate moments. Like funerals...and job interviews...and the middle of Titanic...

I have synesthesia, which means I associate textures, shapes, and especially colors with other things, like letters, words, voices, and sounds. For instance, my best friend's name is a smoky green color, and her voice is swirling green and brown, with a texture like smoke. Rhapsody in Blue is actually red and gold for me, and the word xenophobia is a strange mix of black, red, orange-yellow, and brown. To answer a common question, yes, I enjoy having it, and I consider it an amazing gift that I would not trade for anything.

Favorite Quotes

The concrete will crack.
I will be there when it does
To worship the grass.

Whoever said sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the pouring rain.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

If someone told me I only had six minutes to live, I wouldn't waste time complaining or bargaining, I'd type faster.

All Bette's stories had happy endings. That's because she knew where to stop. She'd realized the real problem with stories - if you kept them going long enough, they always ended in death.

When I have money, I buy books. If there's any left over after that, then I get food and clothes.

The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.

Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve.

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap them upside the head.

It's usually better to ask forgiveness than permission.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

Invisible Pink Unicorns are beings of great spiritual power. We know this because they are capable of being invisible and pink at the same time. Like all religions, the faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorn is based upon both logic and faith. We have faith that they are pink; we logically know that they are invisible because we can't see them.

Flying is really very simple. It's just a matter of jumping and missing the ground.

A woman is like a teabag: you never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

Religious wars, at their most basic, are two groups fighting over who has the best imaginary friend.

Life is something that happens when you can't sleep.

Sometimes in a crowd, I feel like a tomato in a fruit basket; I technically belong, but I can't help feeling out of place.

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice. Then sit back and let them wonder how the hell you did it.

Money can’t buy happiness. However, it can buy chocolate, which releases endorphins that cause happiness.

War doesn't decide who's right. It decides who's left.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Don't make a scene? Oh, don't worry, I won't. I'll give you a whole damn Broadway musical!

I love acting. It's so much more real than life.

Have you ever noticed how most religious wars are made up of two groups killing each other to determine whose is the true religion of peace?

Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

How can you leave lasting footprints if you tiptoe everywhere?

Painting is the act of protecting a surface from the elements and exposing it to the critics.

If you don't know where you're going, you can never get lost.

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.

Knowing human nature is knowing that if you gave ten people a rope and said “Pull,” three would pull, two would push, another three would give you a stupid look and say, “What?,” one of the remaining two would tell you to do something anatomically unlikely, and the last would steal the rope.

Well-behaved women rarely make history.

The problem with America is stupidity. Now, I'm not saying stupidity ought to be a capital crime, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

Friends are best with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

No one ever said life would be easy. They just said it would be worth it.