A/N : Okay, fair warning. This is gonna be too angsty! BEWARE! Also, the timeline is a bit hinky. I don't really know when it's supposed to be happening. But spoilers for pretty much till ... season 14, I think. Just teeny mentions, but oh well. It's Supernatural. Even tiny mentions mean boom! BIG SPOILERS.

What prompted this chapter? - I think I actually heard this song for the first time in a SPN edit on YouTube. And let's be honest, has any song been more perfect, as heartbreaking as the combo is? Yeah. So, there.

Song belongs to Sleeping At Last.

Sam :

The silence was deafening.

Sam was one who usually treasured silent moments. Now, he was itching to do something or say something or hear something.

Except, there was only so far you can go when you were trapped in a car. And only so much you can say when you were trapped with your brother whom you fought with not five minutes ago.

So, scratch that. The silence was icy.

Not that this was the first time they had fought but doing so always twisted something unpleasant in Sam's stomach. He was pretty sure that Dean wasn't a fan of them fighting either.

Sam didn't even remember what had prompted the fight in the first place.

They had been cooped up for a bit too long, recovering from a hunt. Tensions had run high and words had been thrown with no consideration as to where they struck.

And oh boy, did they know exactly where to strike.

Living in each other's pockets for most of their lives meant that they knew things about the other that even they themselves didn't know.

And now, they sat waiting for the other to apologize because Winchesters came with pride and that meant keeping up the stony front until they just woke up one day and decided to move on, shoving everything under the carpet. Or some unfortunate accident forced them to spill out their hearts.

Funnily enough, rarely did they ever come out and just speak.

Typical.

Finally Sam had enough of the silence. He reached over and switched on the radio, hoping that some background noise would at least help him get some sleep and shut out the world.

Dean remained stubbornly quiet even as Sam switched from one annoying station to another.

Maybe he should put on some classical music just to annoy the idiot, Sam thought.

One station had some sad violins playing and smirking internally, Sam left it on, leaning back against the seat.

He bit his lip to stop a smile from breaking out as Dean's hand tightened impulsively on the steering wheel.

The music caught his attention and his heart almost seized at the pain that the violins cried out.

The first line made his breath catch in his throat.

"You taught me the courage of stars before you left"

And it was like the universe was telling him, "Hey, asshole. Open your eyes and look at the man beside you. You're here because of him."

Sam knew that. Knew that Dean had raised him more than his dad had ever tried to. Taught him more than John had.

He had been the courage that Sam had needed, been his star.

He had been what Sam had needed. All. The. Damn. Time.

"How light carries on endlessly, even after death"

Sam didn't know which was worse. The lump steadily growing in his throat or the memories the damn song triggered.

"Keep fighting. Take care of my wheels. Sam, remember what Dad taught you ... okay?"

He wanted to switch it off ... but something stopped him.

"With shortness of breath

You explained the infinite"

"And remember what I taught you."

He remembered it as if it had all happened yesterday. Felt it like it had all happened yesterday.

The tears in Dean's eyes and one last smile that said I love you, I'll be here, Take care, Sammy and so much more.

Right before the hellhounds had torn into him.

He quickly turned away to face the window, feeling a tear trickle down his cheek, not daring to wipe it away in case Dean caught wind that he was crying like a teenager over a stupid song.

"And how rare and beautiful it is to even exist"

It was.

Sam knew that.

He tried to say it after every hunt they survived.

With a smile, with gratitude, with Dean's favourite pie.

For Sam, it wasn't just existence that was rare as it was beautiful.

It was knowing that he existed in a world where Dean and him were brothers.

"I couldn't help but ask for you to say it all again

I tried to write it down, but I could never find a pen"

Sam almost laughed out loud.

Damn right, he had tried. But maybe the reason he hadn't taken it to heart had been because somewhere deep inside, where -

dad was willing to kill you and demon blood and lilith and lucifer and the cage and dean hurt, dean in hell, dean suffering because of him, dean dying, dean bloody, dean in pain

- resided, Sam didn't believe it.

Dean had forgiven Sam. Granted him absolution in a way not even God had been able to. Purified his blood by just accepting Sam and staying with him.

But Sam still carried that weight and maybe he didn't really want to find the pen.

"I'd give anything to hear you say it one more time

That the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes"

"Don't you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever!"

Sam squeezed his eyes shut, feeling more tears trickle down. He choked down a sob rising in his throat, knowing that he would never hear the end of it if Dean heard him.

Sam had always known that Dean had loved him. But hearing him in that church had made him realize how badly he needed to hear it.

He knew that Dean had put him before everything, even himself, his whole life.

He just wished that his big brother knew that Sam's whole universe was sitting right there, beside him.

Sam watched the landscape fly past with dull eyes, blinking occasionally to stop the tears from falling. One day, he would tell Dean how much he was grateful he was for him. For taking care of him no matter what, for having his back, for loving him as no else had ever been able to.

The song played on.

Dean :

They had been at it again.

Why, Dean didn't know. But it was probably a brother thing. Or maybe a Winchester thing.

And most definitely a little brother thing.

Most importantly, a Sam Winchester thing.

Maybe he was being unfair. It was his fault as much as it was Sam's. But hey, no one had to know what was going on inside his mind, did they?

Sam was fidgeting beside him and Dean was pretty sure he didn't even realize that he was doing so.

He hid a smirk, reminding himself that he was supposed to be angry at the kid.

Then again ... he had never been able to remain so. Not at Sam.

He didn't even remembering what they had been butting heads about before. But they knew how to push each others' buttons so well, that they had almost perfected it to an art form.

They never apologized, of course. Sure, sometimes Sam did the whole puppy dog thing which he had perfected to an art, complete with tears and a two page monologue listing his mistakes and maybe even a poem begging forgiveness.

Dean twitched as Sam reached over to switch on the radio.

The silence had been becoming more and more annoying, but Dean was willing to bet that the silence would be better than whatever crap was playing on the radio.

Sure enough, Sam, the bastard, settled on some station that was playing what sounded like some emo instrumental crap.

He groaned internally, deliberately gripping the steering wheel tight as he resisted the urge to change the station.

Nope. He wouldn't give Sam the satisfaction.

"You taught me the courage of stars before you left"

Dean swore that his heart had skipped a beat before it decided that it was time to race.

Leave it up to the Great Mysterious Universe, who incidentally didn't know when to keep its nose out of people's business, to play a song that skewered his heart.

Dean was assailed with memories of a much younger Sam clinging to him, smiling at him, stars in his eyes as he looked at him, believing that he could protect him from anything.

And the funny thing was, Dean was still Dean only because Sam was still that same Sam.

And without Sam ...

"How light carries on endlessly, even after death"

Dean almost choked at the next line.

"You go find Lisa. You pray to God she's dumb enough to take you in, and you - you have barbecues and go to football games. You go live some normal, apple-pie life, Dean. Promise me."

His heart thundered in his chest, and it was all he could do to see straight and drive.

"With shortness of breath

You explained the infinite"

And Dean could almost see Sam standing over him, fist uncurling slowly and stumbling back, that day in Stull Cemetery.

"It's okay, Dean. It's gonna be okay. I've got him."

Because that wasn't Sam just kicking the ass of The Devil Himself. It was him doing all that and still comforting Dean. Sam's love for him pushing the most evil being in the whole fucking world to the back of his mind and he had taken that moment and said one final goodbye, i love you, take care, please in a few words.

Dean swallowed at the tears that threatened to fall, heart aching afresh.

"And how rare and beautiful it is to even exist"

He had never been bothered about death before. Knew that he would face it one day. It was inevitable with the things they did.

But what he hadn't expected was facing death multiple times and managing to beat it. To defeat it. How many people were able to do that?

How many people had the strength to do that?

Dean didn't. Or ... hadn't thought he had.

Except, the only existence he found beautiful and worth living in was one where Sam was with him.

He watched Sam out of the corner of his eyes, his little brother sitting half facing the window. Dean wondered if the song was affecting Sam as it was affecting him.

When he caught sight of the tension in the hunched shoulders and the careful rise and fall of his chest, he knew that it had.

Maybe more so, if he was crying, Dean thought, frowning in concern.

"I couldn't help but ask for you to say it all again

I tried to write it down, but I could never find a pen"

Well. That was a bit of a downer.

Vaguely, Dean wondered if it meant what he thought it meant.

That no matter how much Sam had proclaimed him a saint, basically, there was a part of him that refused to believe him.

He had "tried to write it down", sure. Tried to believe Sam.

But with torturing souls in hell, letting him go into the cage, leaving him alone there, sam hurt, sam without his normal, sam dying ... that belief came at a price.

Except Sam had believed him and that alone had been enough to keep him going.

Reason enough to keep trying to be the man he knew his brother thought him to be.

"I'd give anything to hear you say it one more time

That the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes"

"You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can't do that again."

Their love had always been shown in actions. In the occasional "Bitch" and "Jerk". In the brush of shoulders after a hard hunt. In the satisfied smile exchanged after saving someone.

But Sam, who still believed in a God after all the shit they had been through, had believed that his greatest sin was that he had let his big brother down. Not that they had let out Lucifer and nearly broke the world their fair share of times.

No.

It was letting him down.

And Dean had known that the 3 year old Sammy who thought the world of Dean had never gone away, but was just living in a stubborn, independent 6'4 body.

So, when Dean had tried to prove that his universe had always been Sam, his only regret had been not telling it sooner.

Winchesters didn't use words, but maybe one day, maybe when he was piss drunk, Dean would tell him how much Sammy meant to him. Had always meant to him, from 1983 to tomorrow, when he would be a better man than he already was.

The song played on.

"With shortness of breath

I'll try to explain the infinite"

Sam :

"You - You always put - You always put me first. Your whole life."

Dean :

"I got to say something to you. I'm proud of us."

A/N : Uh, sorry? Heh. Don't kill me. Also, yeah, I couldn't write in 15x20 'cause I'm still recovering from that and I needed to write this without having yet another breakdown. The mini breakdowns in this was already too much lol. Anyways, let me know what you think! Xx