Eddie tried to take the advice, and it was working for him... most of the time. He and Rachel had really tried to put their professional heads on them and only spoke when it was anything to do with work. It hurt Eddie to simply leave her office along with the other staff when a meeting was finished, but he repeatedly told himself that it was for the best. As long as Rachel was happy, he could deal with whatever feelings he was going through himself. Only he wasn't sure she was entirely happy, and had caught her longing looks on a few occasions in the recent weeks. He ached to ask her about them, to ask her if this is still what she wanted or if she'd welcome him back into her life in a less professional manner. He'd do whatever she asked of him, so didn't want to push his luck and risk losing the chance he still had to see her every day.
Only sometimes he just wasn't able to help himself, wasn't able to get her out of his mind so matter how much he drank. He still found himself up at 3am thinking of her, wondering if she was up too or if he'd crossed her thoughts at all. He still had her entire planned schedule memorised, and didn't share his latest plan so nobody in his life could talk him out of it. He knew Rachel had a scan scheduled for that afternoon, and although he didn't want to overstep any boundaries, he wanted her to know that he was still involved and thinking of the children as well as her. So with barely 2 hours of sleep, he dragged himself to the 24 hour supermarket and purchased a single rose. He didn't want to see her and hand it over, only to place it on her desk. He wasn't even sure he should leave a note, hoping that she would know who it was from and what it was for. But with the threat of Stuart still hanging over her, he knew it was probably best to at least leave his name and save his worry. So he practically crept into the school, thankful that at least the caretaker was early to open and moved as quietly as possible throughout the school. With any hope he'd get through his mountain of marking he had to do thanks to his early morning, since he'd not been able to concentrate much after leaving work as of late.
"Eddie? What are you doing here?" He was frozen on the spot as he heard her voice from the doorway, freezing in the middle of her office before he'd even made it to her desk.
He looked back at her sheepishly, turning almost the same colour as the flower when their eyes met.
"You've got a scan today, haven't you?"
Rachel looked honestly baffled, not expecting to see Eddie at all today, never mind this early in the morning and holding his hand behind his back. "Yes. Why? It's just gone 7, you're never here this early."
"I wanted to get here before you, to leave this. I didn't want to overstep." He produced a single pink rose from behind his back, his face practically the same colour as he placed it on her desk as he intended and slowly backed away. They both looked at the item as if it were going to explode, and Eddie wanted the ground to swallow him whole.
It was excruciating as the seconds ticked past. Rachel said nothing, silent as she stared at the flower, before slowly stretching out a single finger to trace the petals. Eddie was tempted to say nothing, to slip out of the office while she was distracted and simply hope this hadn't screwed things up too badly. But then he saw it. Slipping down her cheek, a single tear.
"Rachel?"
She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to prevent the tears she could feel burning in them. She felt Eddie step closer, heard a rustle that she was positive was him reaching out towards her and aborting the movement before he made contact.
This lump in her throat wasn't going anywhere.
"Rachel…" No question this time, instead more a pleading whisper, tinged with desperation. It broke her.
"I miss you," she choked out, still not looking at him, still refusing to even turn her body towards him.
"This isn't right," he murmured, tone anguished. "Nothing that feels this wrong and unnatural could ever be right."
She inhaled, a deep, shuddering breath that threatened to burst back out in a sob. "The way we feel about another has never been in question," she managed, wishing she could remember how to channel the confident, professionally brusque Miss Mason she'd been before. With her back to him, she didn't see how his arms twitched, longing to reach out for her. He caught himself every time, knowing it would do more harm than good.
"Can you really do it, Rach?" he asked desperately. "Can you really go home for the final time in a few weeks knowing you'll never see me again?"
Her head snapped to face him. "How do you know about that?" she demanded.
Eddie looked taken aback. "What do you mean?"
"How do you know I was planning to leave? Did Melissa talk to you?"
He stared at her. "You're leaving?"
She frowned slightly, gave a single, curt nod. "I'm not returning after mat leave." She knew he would understand the unspoken addendum- don't tell anyone. The LEA wouldn't be happy to pay for a headteacher who wouldn't ever be going back to her school. Then, she frowned. "Wait, if you didn't know, what were you talking about?"
He swallowed. "I was planning on resigning when your leave ended," he admitted reluctantly.
"We can't both leave."
"I didn't know you were. I wanted to make things as easy as possible for you."
Rachel didn't know what to say to that.
Eddie was also at a loss for words, unable to fathom the thought of only having a few weeks left in her presence. He'd been stupid for allow people to tell him how to deal with things, not when it had lost him precious time in her company. "I've been an idiot." He admitted, not for the first time. But he knew he'd hate himself even more if he let her go on her maternity leave without saying everything he wanted to, without getting the chance to try one more time to win her back. "I know I should listen to Melissa, but Rachel, I can't see you leave."
Rachel shook her head in confusion, her brows furrowing as she tried to make sense of what Eddie was saying. "Melissa? What do you mean listen to Melissa?"
At that, Eddie looked sheepish. Worried that he'd put his foot in it already, he began to panic and the words just spilled out of him. "She told me to leave you, that I'm no good for you. She said I was tainting your pregnancy and I know she's right Rach. I can't take back everything I've done and said, no matter how much I want to." He felt himself getting choked up, overwhelmed with emotions as he finally spoke more than two words with her. It was as if he was finally hit with just how much he loved her, and how much he wanted her in his life. "I'm in love with you Rachel. And I love our children. I'm a father to three as far as I'm concerned... that will only change when I know you want nothing more to do with me." He promised, hoping more than anything that he wouldn't be laughed out of the room and have to deal with his emotions for the rest of the day. It was stupid to be having such a heavy conversation with the staff just starting to filter in and prepare for their day, but it was a now or never situation. Hearing that she was planning to leave really had set off alarm bells in Eddie's head, wondering if that meant she simply didn't want to see him anymore and was taking the easy way out for the both of them.
Rachel's head was spinning, her brain not able to comprehend all of his words at the early hour. She couldn't stop herself from repeating the words Melissa had said to him, suddenly furious with her sister for inter-fearing. If she was thinking rationally, she'd know that they were probably said from a good place and with good intentions. But Melissa had held Rachel whilst she'd cried, listened to her fears as she told how Eddie never cared anyway. She was truly beginning to think that with how easy Eddie was finding it to only be around her when in the company of others and leaving as soon as he could, that meant she didn't matter to him. Melissa heard all of this, and continued to tell Rachel everything would be okay because they had each other. Only now it was all her idea, and Rachel felt herself break under the weight of the revelation. "Oh god." The tears started to slide down her cheeks no matter how much she longed for them to not start, willing herself not to show weakness but failing miserably. "I can't believe... Melissa. All that time. You... love me? Really? Still?"
Eddie finally crossed the room to her, taking hold of her hands and pulling them against his lips. It was the closest he had been to her in weeks, and the contact almost made him dizzy. "Of course I do Rach. I love all of you." He trailed one hand down to her stomach and placed it over where he knew the babies were growing strong. "I can't go on pretending like I'm fine, like seeing you every day isn't killing me. I miss you." He admitted, knowing each words he spoke were a risk, but knowing it was one he was willing to take. He had nothing else left to lose, it was now or never before he lost her for good.
Rachel let out a sob, pressing her hand to her mouth to stifle the sounds. She was exhausted, her whole body ached but she was beginning to think Eddie's comment from earlier was right- there was no way anything that felt so awful could be right. She crumpled, and wasn't sure who moved first but all of a sudden Eddie's arms were around her and her hands were fisted in his jacket, face buried into his shoulder.
"I thought it wasn't affecting you," she mumbled, "you never seemed to care."
He held her tighter. "It was affecting me too much. I was trying to give you space, to not push you."
She drew back, just far enough to look at him but not letting go. "Promise me. Promise me you mean it, that this isn't going to happen again. I need to know…" she trailed off, a hand moving her bump, where she could feel someone having a stretch and a wiggle. Eddie cupped her face in his hands, trying to ignore the thrill that went through him that she was allowing him to touch her like this.
"I love you," he murmured. "I can't promise I'm not going to make mistakes and mess up. But I can promise that I'm going to try my best, if you'll let me. Please let me, Rach."
If she were honest, there could only ever have been one answer. "We go slowly," she warned, choking back tears. "Not just pick up where we left off."
"Anything you want." He didn't even have to think about it.
"And you have to be nice to Melissa. She's still my sister."
"Goes without saying."
They gazed at each other, seconds ticking painfully past. This time, Rachel moved first, sliding into his arms and he held her gladly, thinking he had never felt anything so wonderful.
He wasn't sure how long they stood there, wrapped up in each other but they were jolted out of it by banging from outside, following by a muttered curse that told them Bridget had arrived. Rachel stepped back automatically, wiping at her face and dreading to think what she looked like now.
"Drinks tonight?" Eddie offered quietly. "Non-alcoholic, of course."
She nodded. "I'd like that."
Bridget came in, exclaiming in surprise to find Eddie there and chattering away to both of them as she delivered piles of papers, but Rachel barely heard her, still looking at Eddie until he gave her a small smile and left, covered by Bridget talking and both desperately hoping that evening went well.