Chapter Three – Pulsatio (Heartbeat)

A/N: I thought of this chapter while sitting in the prep room in the Hospital for a CT scan on my own heart. And couldn't help but think this would be a beautiful/painful therapy session one week later. In which the good doctor decides to make them talk about their past close calls and the whole thing with solving the cases that are hurting them the most in their current lives. This is going to be a long one. They might go over their hour. It might get heavy, so just be aware. Also, a little insight into Lindstrom's thought processes here.

The song lyrics referenced in this belong to the song "Broken Glass" by Kygo and Kim Petras. I felt it fit the mood.

Olivia Benson was never one to hold grudges, or judge other people based on their bad personal decisions, but this one? No. She told Elliot he could drive him-fucking-self to the appointment the next Friday. It had been QUITE the week. She had to reach out to Organized Crime and Ayanna for assistance in solving the recent Trick-rolling that was occurring across the city. They had connections with the drug Purple Magic, and in the process, she'd told Elliot in not so many words that the higher-ups were telling her to stay away from him, and she remembered the anguish in his eyes when he had asked her twice who was saying it, and she couldn't answer – because she knew he would catch on.

She had implored him to go home, get rest, stay away from Kathy's case, and do it for himself…for his kids…and in her eyes she had also added for me. In the secret language they shared.

THEN, this was the fantastic part – she found out through an anonymous source that while they were working their respective cases both in connection to the Purple Magic drug, he'd been seeing Angela Wheatley behind everyone's back.

Apparently, going to see her at various moments when he felt weak and confused. He should've been coming to her, she would've talked to him about whatever it was going on with him. She would've made time.

She then heard that he had supposedly made out with Angela, the ex-wife of his target. She thought about Monique Jeffries and had to roll her eyes at his actions, what a fucking tool.

She almost thought about pulling her service weapon and shooting him, point blank. Almost. But she remembered that justifiable homicide would probably look a little suspicious to everyone considering their history and she couldn't do that to her friend, Ayanna. She couldn't jeopardize her mentee's job. She couldn't jeopardize her own job or her life with Noah.

She knew he was grieving and confused-as-hell. She understood the bad decisions one could make when suffering with the stages of PTSD – she knew and understood the reckless behavior, the bouts of aggression, the uncertain feelings of paranoia and feeling like the whole world was out to get you. The gaps in time, and the lack of coherent thought.

She didn't have to worry about shooting him when she heard the most satisfying revenge came in the form of a confession when they arrested Izak for killing Kathy…Olivia had to try not to laugh in a maniacal way when Ayanna had told her WHO had ordered the hit on Kathy. A smirk graced Olivia's lips as she pulled into the parking spot in the garage.

Angela Wheatley.

And to think, she had told him he was doing better and to keep doing whatever it was he was doing, she grabbed his hand and flirted with him. She felt so dirty until she found out Elliot had been making out with his wife's killer. Then, she didn't feel so bad anymore. No, maybe it was what he needed – sow his wild oats.

He was starving and made the mistake of trying to eat the leftover Chinese takeout meal when she was a full seven course fine dining experience, paired with a fine wine.

He'd regret ignoring her after the words he'd said to her since his return. She would torture him in the best way possible. It would be payback. The words he'd written before he had returned – solidified before the PTSD and in concrete evidence, she knew how he really felt. He just didn't see how she felt because he was a complete and total jackass. She actually wanted to take him to the top of a building and scream at him, just to make herself feel better.

Deep down, she knew that it wasn't the right time just yet. He was grieving. He needed a rebound relationship before he could find himself in front of her. It didn't matter what he'd said last week in their therapy session about it being her.

So what the hell was that? He had declared he wanted her – why was he drawn to Angela Wheatley? It's the PTSD, Olivia.

ALL of this, was after they had lost an asset that had been trying to get information for them and they'd been shot at. He had thrown himself on top of her, just like old times, and if she was being honest, it felt nice to have someone do that for her again. Throw themselves on top of her in the barrage of gunfire, willing to take a bullet for her. He'd stuck up for her at IAB – after she had accused him of throwing her under the bus and he seemed pissed that she would even think such a thing. What the hell else was she supposed to think, ever since Ed had died she didn't know many of the IAB sharks, they rotated almost quarterly now.

She cleared it up with Garland and Bell. They had made the decision to see how things were going to play out and knew that if they got out of the car, they would've been killed. It was better to lose an asset than two seasoned officers of the NYPD. Especially two officers that had an extensively positive result in closing cases. Despite their jackets being full of notes and investigations that went nowhere. Somewhere in their files there was a note saying that they shouldn't be separated because they wouldn't be as effective.

He'd been trying to find any reason to professionally see her, and the entire time – he was sneaking around like a pubescent High School jock, chasing after a cheerleader. She wasn't going to be a second-thought anymore. No, she was too pissed off to be playing games like back when they were in their thirties.

So, she had told him to drive him-fucking-self to the session this week. Her patience and regard for him dwindling with every single morsel of information that stabbed her in the heart and made her question his devotion after all, even though she knew his mantra, semper fi.

He'd tried to apologize a million times over the last two days. He'd left voicemails, he'd texted, she's pretty sure if he could've sent a carrier pigeon he would've. She was surprised that he hadn't shown up at her apartment door or at the 16th precinct.

She could only assume his kids didn't know about the whole Angela thing, because if they did, they would've disowned him and choose her. Kathleen had told her this fact in the middle of the week. She had texted Olivia after learning about their second session Olivia had scheduled and said verbatim: If dad messes this up, Olivia, we choose you. We'll change our names to Benson and we'll be your kids.

It made her feel good to know she was gaining his children without having to sue for custody or give birth to them. They'd made the decision, and they voiced it – maybe not to him, but at least to her.

Locking her vehicle, she tossed the keys into her bag and proceeded to the elevator. When she stepped into the waiting room for their session, she was surprised that he was there already.

"Liv – " She raised her right eyebrow and crossed her arms in front of her, bag in hand. Immediately, he realized that speaking in the waiting room wasn't going to happen and he was in serious trouble with her. He was on the receiving end of a look she reserved for the worst of the perps in interrogation. "Alright." he sat down and she made her way to the furthest cushion of the couch in the waiting area, staring straight ahead at the door where Dr. Lindstrom would appear in a few minutes and then god help this deranged man.

At approximately 6:29 the door opened and Dr. Lindstrom greeted the two officers. Olivia was the first into the room this evening, choosing the chair across from the doctor rather than the couch. She couldn't sit next to him at the moment, she'd wanted to strangle the man. She was sure he had quite the guilt complex and she hoped he would at least go to church or something to try to absolve himself. Say ten thousand thirty 'Hail Marys', Elliot. She thought bitterly.

The truth was, even though he'd fucked up with the choice of his rebound – she knew he was woven so deeply into her own fibers, in her tapestry - that it didn't matter, in the grand scheme of things who he had chosen to use as a rebound. The truth was that they were even, on a messed up playing field. In order to make him feel as shitty as he was making her feel, all it would take was the admittance of whom she'd had a steady relationship with in the time he was gone. She had no right to be jealous of his relationships – it wasn't as though they were an item.

No matter how badly she seemed to have wanted this for as long as she'd known him. She should've taken her own advice to that cop again, it was never going to happen. But she couldn't give up hoping it was going to happen. She never imagined he would tell her that she meant the world to him. But did he mean it? Hope is not good enough. Her own words always had a way of coming back to bite her in the ass, 'We good?' he had asked her. 'I hope so.' she had responded.

Then, the other shoe dropped.

She had told herself a long time ago that she only cared if he lived or died because of his children. It was always about the kids.

Keep telling yourself that, Olivia.

She thought back to a song she'd heard on the radio earlier in the week. "The only thing we had in common with each other, was destroying everything we ever touched. So cheers to us and what we had, let's keep dancing on the broken glass. And all that's left is smoke and ash, let's keep dancing on the broken glass." It was fitting. It was all they ever did, dance on the broken glass and they really were quite the pair.

"How was your week?" Dr. Lindstrom decided to cut through the thick tension in the room and Olivia was looking directly at him instead of Elliot.

"My week was great, I actually got closure in my brother's death." Olivia answered, almost in a detached, clinical way. The Doctor made a note of this and turned his attention to Elliot. "However, Elliot's week was pretty shitty."

"I can answer for myself, Captain." Elliot responded almost immediately, shaking his head, his jaw clenched as he cracked his knuckles from the couch, his blue eyes boring into the side of Olivia's head with an unreadable expression that made Lindstrom uncomfortable but didn't seem to faze Olivia, she still hadn't looked Elliot in the eye.

Lindstrom decided to take a hard left, noting that they would eventually touch on this week some other time. Their body language was screaming that they were obviously having a row of some sort and didn't want the bomb to go off just yet. He wanted to understand their dynamic. He wanted to try to push their relationship back together and if reminiscing was how that helped, he wanted to try.

"Olivia, Elliot, I wanted to talk about something that was said last session, if that's alright with both of you."

Olivia's eyes glanced over at the window, rather than to Elliot. Elliot let out the air that he seemed to have been holding in and his eyes softened. "Sure." Olivia answered.

"What would that be?" Elliot asked, leaning back on the couch, crossing his arms in front of his chest and placing his ankle on his knee.

Lindstrom was trying to find the delicate words he needed to approach the topic, "Last week, Olivia, you had said that the two of you had been involved in a few close call situations, I'd like to hear about them."

Olivia's shoulders fell as she looked down, her hair falling in front of her face, Elliot couldn't see her profile, and had ducked his head as though he was trying to see through the caramel locks. Surveying whether or not she was going to speak first.

Lindstrom realized two things in quick succession - One, the energy in the room changed when the topic took a left turn from the week they'd just come off and two, Olivia wanted to turn and look at Elliot but she was purposely avoiding it.

As long as he'd been treating Olivia, she had only ever avoided answering questions related to Lewis and his attempted rape which she had interrupted by breaking the brass bed. He wondered if she had shared the worst four days of her life with this man across from her that she was obviously smitten with and infuriated her all the same. He doubted it and wondered if there was going to have to be a time where she admitted to Elliot what had transpired.

Although, they were both police officers and chances are if he cared about her like Lindstrom thought he did, then he'd probably gone snooping already. Unless his respect for Olivia went so deeply that to snoop would be a violation of trust that he wasn't willing to violate.

He doubted either of them had really talked about the ten-year gap in their relationship. But it was part of therapy to address things that made people uncomfortable so they could address their feelings with it, and since he was going back to before the abandonment, he hoped if they started speaking about their relationship they would see their concern and care for one another came from another place. Not one of partnership, but of concern - love, even. If he could find it.

He'd done a few couples' therapy sessions, and he had to be honest with himself, these two had a chemistry that was undeniably deeper than friendship, deeper than mutual respect, and deeper than the normal love most people had with their spouse. What they had was ancient and mystifying. It couldn't be explained in any other terms than they were twin flames. Lindstrom wasn't really a believer in fate or destiny, but he was starting to.

Elliot might've loved his wife, but he was in love with his former partner. Lindstrom had deducted that sometime over the course of their twelve-year partnership, Elliot had realized deep down that there was some cosmic pull to Olivia and he panicked because of his devotion to his wife. Olivia, from what Elliot had said, always tried to keep Elliot's marriage together. Why? Lindstrom couldn't figure out, because if Elliot and his wife had separated, it would've allowed Olivia to have what she wanted…unless Olivia was scared of the intensity of her feelings and was afraid that he would've left her just like everyone else had ever done in her life leading up to that point. It was ironic, really, that her greatest fear was being left by the one man who she relied on. And his feelings for her were what caused him to leave in the end. Because he couldn't have her completely without messing up the one thing she kept trying to fix. Their codependence was unreal.

Olivia might've loved several people, but her love for Elliot was one that she had held in such high regard that no one ever quite measured up to, and no one would even come close or burrow themselves as deeply as he had into her life. She had met Elliot and knew in her heart that she was meant to drown in his very being and allowed herself to be enraptured by him, sacrificing her own happiness to make sure he was always happy. She couldn't put a finger on it, Lindstrom knew, but he saw all the signs.

If Elliot had never returned, Olivia would've just loved him unrequitedly. She would've had a room in her heart where the wooden floorboards had been worn from the years of pacing and a solitary plushy chair with a throw on it sat beneath a hanging lightbulb with a threadbare rug underneath, a small end table with frames of them adorning it. The room would've collected spider webs and she wouldn't allow anyone else to take up residence.

She would never find true happiness in romantic relationships and the only relationship that would complete her would be the life with her son. She needed Elliot like she needed air to breathe, and Lindstrom could understand why she had never mentioned him before. She hated being seen as weak or needing anyone so much as she needed him. They were two intimidating people who balanced one another in a fundamentally necessary way, and they weren't scared of one another as much as they could scare other people because they understood the darker parts of themselves better than anyone else could.

Three minutes had ticked by, and Lindstrom was waiting to see who would speak first.

Olivia exhaled, breaking the suffocating silence. Elliot had now leaned his chin onto the palm of his hand, and was still staring at the side of Olivia's head. His blue eyes were studying the woman across from him but he looked as though he was trying to find a specific instance to bring up.

"If this is too complicated," Lindstrom began, because the two people in the room seemed hesitant to identify one situation, "we can try something else."

Elliot's eyebrow quirked at the word complicated. "That's a good word to describe it all." He mused, out loud. "Complicated." Olivia's head swiveled and she met Elliot's eyes, her brown eyes full of fire. Lindstrom had only ever seen her eyes like that a few times in the course of their many sessions. It was almost frightening, except he knew what was behind the fire – passion and a drive that contained her fight.

"Too Complicated." Olivia echoed. "Yes, it became too complicated."

"What was complicated?" Lindstrom urged, looking between the two of them. He almost debated moving his chair so they could rearrange Olivia's chair to face Elliot on the couch from across the glass table in the center of the room.

"The Gitano case. In 2006." Elliot answered, "It complicated a lot of things."

"What happened with the Gitano case?" Lindstrom asked.

"Victor Gitano was a pathological liar and a registered sex offender. He first was registered in 1987. In 2006, March 28th he murdered Simon and Lyla Clifford by slashing their throats. He then sexually assaulted and then slit the throat of Amy Clifford their eldest daughter, and kidnapped the two youngest children, Ryan and Rebecca." Olivia answered.

"We tracked him to the train station, on the 29th where we were going to try to apprehend him. He was in the crowd of people and holding Ryan. Olivia was chasing after him and she had raised her gun, but couldn't get a clear shot at him, because the people were around and he was using Ryan as a shield. It all happened so fast." Elliot's eyes narrowed as though he was thinking back to this exact moment. Olivia had leaned forward in her chair and placed her hands in front of her eyes.

"What happened?" Lindstrom urged.

Olivia spoke from behind her hands, "I got close. Too close, I panicked. And he reached the knife out and nicked my throat, running away before I could react."

"She fell down, hard, her hands going to her throat near her jugular, and there was blood. Luckily, it was superficial, the cut on her throat. I didn't know that it was superficial though, Gitano had a history of slitting people's throats. I ran over to her, and Gitano ran up the stairs with Ryan. Olivia told me she was fine and to go after Ryan, but on my way up the stairs to the subway platform above, there were screams. By the time I got up there – Gitano had slit Ryan's throat to get away. He would've been alive had I not come over to check on Olivia."

Olivia took a deep breath, "The next day – we tracked him to an abandoned warehouse. We weren't sure whether or not we'd get to Rebecca before anything happened to her after he had discarded Ryan." She shook her head. "When we found him, he held Elliot at gunpoint with the shotgun and Elliot was urging me to take the shot. He told me it was okay, to take the shot. I couldn't do it. I couldn't take the shot." She met Elliot's eyes, "I could never take the shot. I couldn't be the cause of his death."

"I know you would've taken the shot if the sharpshooter hadn't of taken the shot, Olivia. It would've been alright."

"I don't know how many times we have to go over this, Elliot. I could never pull the trigger. Which is why when we were sitting there in the hospital and he told me he knew I would pull the trigger, I told him I could never do that, I could never be the cause of his death. I asked what about his kids. Said he couldn't get Ryan out of his head, and I asked what about me?"

"We chose one another over the job. Over a member of the public. I had spoken to Huang about it and told him I wish I didn't care, but he told me that's what made me a good partner – but it wasn't just me being a good partner. I couldn't take losing her."

"What was it, then, if not you being a good partner?" Lindstrom asked.

The two officers were looking at one another, searching each other's eyes in front of him. They were doing it again, the communicating with their eyes. Lindstrom was slightly unnerved at this form of communication, but he was hoping deep down they were coming to terms with what this one specific situation meant for them.

"I was concerned that she was going to bleed out on the floor and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it." Elliot shook his head.

"Then, there was the case he had gone undercover in an animal smuggling ring due to finding a woman with a Spix's macaw in her purse mauled by a tiger." Olivia shook her head. "He and Kathy had just had Eli, and he was working on fixing his marriage that had dissolved before he had gone home and knocked up his soon-to-be ex-wife again." Olivia sighed, "He wasn't answering any of our calls, or attempting to maintain contact with us, so I showed up at his undercover house, and had to pose as a prostitute. However, they still shot him that night. I hadn't left, thankfully, I was following him because I didn't want anything bad to happen to him. Especially with a new kid."

Elliot moved on from his own shooting, without putting any further attention on the fact that Olivia had said she posed as a prostitute. He remembered that night clearly, and tried to forget it through the years. She had shown up at the UC house and he was in his underwear – a fact that she seemed unfazed by at the time. So, when they had knocked on his door, he had shoved her into the back bedroom and she had taken it upon herself to use her training and improvise. When she had walked out of the bathroom in just her bra and pants, he had flushed immediately. This was his partner, and he had been trying not to think of her in this manner for quite some time. But that night, along with the next two times that popped into his head had cemented her in his brain in a portion that he couldn't quite shake.

"That was the same year that we got a new CSU tech that was equal parts obnoxious and equal parts psychotic." Elliot spoke, trying to get off of the shooting. "Stuckey made a lot of mistakes."

"Too many mistakes, Stuckey made too many mistakes." Olivia interrupted. "He messed up one of our cases due to cross-contamination. He also nearly killed Judge Donnelly if it weren't for us rushing her to the hospital."

"The murderer we were tracking at the time was bit by a mosquito. We found the little sucker and they were able to run it through the system. As it was being ran, our main CSU Detective, Ryan O'Halloran was stabbed in the lab. When I arrived down in the lab to get the results, I discovered Ryan's body and saw the DNA results pointing it to Stuckey on the screen. Before I could react, I was knocked out by Stuckey and then taped to a chair. Stuckey tortured me, cutting me several times. He admitted to killing a woman at Coney Island to frame Peter Harrison. Olivia had called me and Stuckey had told her that I went out for Sushi with Ryan."

"He doesn't like raw fish. And Ryan was a vegetarian." Olivia interjected. "I knew Stuckey was full of shit the minute he said Elliot went out for Sushi and left his phone. When I made my way down to the lab, I saw the results on the computer, I saw Elliot tied to the chair, and I had to think fast to save Elliot. Ryan was already gone – there was no saving him. So, I convinced Stuckey that I was in love with him and that I would need a new partner after he killed Elliot. I also told Stuckey that I wanted Elliot to watch as I made out with him…"

Elliot rolled his eyes thinking about that worm's hands and lips on Olivia. It actually bothered him, when he thought of other people touching her or kissing her. It shouldn't have bothered him as much as it did, but he felt very protective over his partner and slightly…what was that feeling? Jealous. "So she kissed the weasel and backed him up so I could kick him from behind."

"Why did you use physical contact to distract Stuckey, Olivia?" Lindstrom asked.

There it was, Olivia had to admit out loud that she knew it would make Elliot jealous. Even though he was married at the time, even though they weren't anything more than partners. She knew it would work.

"I knew…the effect…it would have on Elliot's temper." She smirked, looking into his eyes. "Almost as much as he knows the effect it has when I find out he was making out with the suspect in his wife's murder."

Lindstrom was expecting a bomb to explode as Elliot stood abruptly, Olivia making the similar movement at the same time, before he could react, they were toe-to-toe. She had made it around the coffee table so fast that Lindstrom had to try to reconcile that it had even happened. Their time was coming to a close. Before anyone could react, Olivia had shoved him back down on the couch as she leaned over him, placing her arms on either side of his body around his shoulders.

"Why do you have to be so fucking stupid, Elliot?" She harshly whispered, shaking her head. "You confess it was always me last week…and then I find out you've been…playing the field?" She hissed. "I'm not a consolation prize, Elliot. It would do you well to remember that. Whose side are you on?"

She pulled an envelope out of her own pocket and slapped it on his chest, "Read it, don't read it, throw it out. Do what you will with it." She stood up and straightened her coat before she walked back over to her bag on her chair, picking it up and smiling down at Lindstrom. "Thank you for your time this week."

And with that, she walked out of the office, leaving Elliot in a similar position that she had been last week.