Chapter Eight –Alterum non laedere (To Not Wound Another)
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the ability to play with words and characters.
They had stood in that position for a few minutes, his ocean eyes brimming with tears and her eyes full of fire looking fiercely into them with a strength that he wasn't even sure where she had pulled from. She was magnificent when she was defending or standing up for something she believed so resolutely in with every fiber of her being. It was one thing to listen to her say it wasn't his fault, but he had told her that he would always look out for her, and he had failed her.
"It wasn't your fault, Elliot." She whispered, her fingers grasping his face with a little more pressure in the tips. "It wasn't your fault. I don't blame you for the fact that the people in my life at the time weren't like you. No one could ever replace your presence. No one."
Their breathing was almost syncopated by the time his eyes had cleared of the salt water threatening to fall. Her jaw was set as she allowed one of her hands to finally slide from his cheek and he pressed his lips to her forehead. She closed her eyes, sensing the calm that had somehow welcomed itself in the room.
In all honesty, she could feel her heart beating out of her chest, but the closeness of this man in front of her was reassuring. Safe. He swallowed at almost the same time as she did and allowed his left hand to drop from her waist where it had been resting at the closeness of the proximity. Together they took a few breaths together. Inhale. Hold. Exhale.
Sensing that he had calmed down somewhat, she finally took a step away, and climbed onto the chair at the kitchen bar where she had sat a week ago and poured the worst four days of her life into a letter for him. They'd still yet to fully discuss his letter, but she had the feeling it would come up sometime, but tonight wasn't about his letter. He pulled himself into the chair next to her and held his hands in a fist on the counter, his fingers were interlaced as he stared down at his hands. Her body was turned toward him, her head tilted as she played with her special ring.
He was staring at the wedding band on his finger and his brow had furrowed while his vision had gone somewhat blurry. She noticed where his line of sight was and her own eyes followed in that direction. Pulling the corner of her bottom lip between her teeth she just watched him for a moment, unsure of what to say and debating whether or not he should lead the conversation.
He wasn't sure where to go from here, because he saw clearly for the first time just what his absence had resulted in. The cost of his going away. But, there was a voice in the back of his head nagging him that it hadn't entirely been his fault he'd walked away. He had tried to stress that to her. He'd tried to tell her it wasn't her that he'd walked away from, it was the job. He couldn't handle doing it anymore. Not after shooting a teenager – a child.
Somehow, he'd gotten pulled back into the NYPD and somehow, it had lead him here…again. He hadn't really wanted to leave New York, but Kathy had convinced him that a change of scenery might help him heal. It might help them find what they'd lost after all his years on the squad. A clean start – that's what she had called it.
He thought about his children – Eli had only ever really known and remembered Italy. The kid might as well be Italian and the sudden change in geography had been striking for him, his friends all spoke Italian and he was fluent in it as well now…true, he could speak English, but he preferred everything Italian. The other kids? They'd stayed behind in New York. To keep his family together, they'd left four of them behind – and for the first time, none of this made sense to Elliot.
In the first year, Kathleen had questioned if it was the right thing to do and if he'd heard from Olivia – and he'd told her that he didn't want to talk about or hear anything about her. He told her that he didn't want anyone reaching out to her until he was ready. Kathleen had seemed put-out by the whole situation, but Maureen had just shrugged and said maybe it was for the best. The twins, they didn't have an opinion either way, but even to him, it didn't make sense - he couldn't make it make sense. He just figured if he could pretend she didn't exist – it would be easier to be the person his family needed him to be.
The only sound in the apartment was the sound of their breathing and what he could only guess was a fan in another room.
"You're being too loud." Olivia's voice cut through the comfortable silence as she placed her right hand on his forearm.
"I was just thinking about the first few months after I put in my papers. How when the opportunity to move to Italy came along how Kathy told me it was a good thing, a chance for a fresh restart. She said it would keep our family together…but we left four of our kids behind. How is that keeping a family together? She was happy in Italy, Liv. Her whole face lit up and there was always a smile on her face. We were happy."
"Kathleen said you were angry a lot, in the first few weeks." Olivia watched Elliot's face. "She said that after you'd been in Italy for a few years, you seemed kind of lost anytime she spoke to you on the phone and you asked about her job, often. She also said Kathy would question her regularly if she'd spoken to me or if you'd spoken to me…" Olivia sighed, "El, what are you thinking?"
"At night, the plaza below where we lived would come alive. There were these beautiful bulbs that would illuminate and the fountain in the middle would be lit up – people would be out for walks with their arms interlaced and I would stand on the patio and look down at all of them…and I was thinking of the dirty streets of New York at night, lit up by multiple fluorescent lights and smelling of stale alcohol and piss. Wondering where you were and if you were okay. It didn't make sense to me, why I was in this beautiful place with my happy wife and why I was yearning for somewhere and someone else."
Olivia's face gave nothing away in respect to what she might have or might not have been thinking about what he'd just said. And how much had Kathleen spoken to Olivia since they'd reconnected? He made a note to bring this up eventually, because he had questions regarding his second-eldest daughter.
"Life is funny like that sometimes, Elliot." Olivia stated matter-of-factly.
Her phone, which was next to the wall plugged in on the counter dinged again. It had been going off steadily since he'd arrived.
"Do you have to check that?" He asked, breaking her out of her stupor. She reached over his arms, her chest brushing his arms as she reached to see the notifications. She squinted at the screen and then put the phone back down and leaned back into her seat.
"It's just Rollins." she dismissed. "She's probably sending me photos of her girls." Now, the phone was vibrating against the counter. He looked at the screen.
"She's trying to call you." he stated, "Are you sure it's not related to work?"
"It's not. Trust me, you'd know if it were work related, I'd be getting a call from Fin." Olivia placed her hand in the palm of her left hand. "Let it go to voicemail." Olivia sighed. "I'll get to it eventually."
"She seems pretty adamant on getting hold of you." Elliot stated as yet another text came in.
"El – she can wait, you're more important at the moment."
"Liv, It's been a long day – and your letter took a lot out of me." He rubbed his temples and noticed she was massaging the back of her neck with her right hand. The little things he used to notice when they would be sitting across from each other at their desks. "But I have to ask you this…where do we go from here?"
"We get better. We both heal, and then we reevaluate where we are when you're ready."
"How will I know when I'm ready?"
"When you don't have to ask if you are." Olivia smiled at him. "In the meantime, we'll keep our friendship to ourselves and maintain the professional decorum around the force. We do whatever they ask of us, and we do it with a smile and without question. If they want us to not work together, we won't. If they ask us to join taskforces, we will. But Elliot, just know that my job – it's a priority because it puts food in my fridge and pays for Noah's dance lessons." she placed her hand over his folded hands. "We have to trust one another implicitly when we have to work together."
"I wouldn't let anything happen to you." He stated. "I'd die before I'd let anything happen to you."
"I know. The other day was proof enough for me." A small smirk tugged at her lips as she stood from the barstool. "Did you want to crash on my couch tonight? In case you have any nightmares? I'll wake you up." she put her hands in her flowy pants that had pockets. She looked nervous
"Well…" He had turned in his chair and she was standing between his legs. Her hand, even though it was in the pocket of her bottoms was resting comfortably against his knee. "I don't have anything to sleep in."
She quirked her eyebrow at him and laughed lightly. "El. It's not a big deal. It's just me here this weekend. Noah is with Lucy at her mom's house, and it's not like you haven't slept in your underwear around me before. Besides, you'll be on the couch and I'll be in my room. I'll give you a sheet so you can cover yourself, and I think I might have a few of your old shirts in the back of my drawer – unless you just want to sleep in your undershirt and underwear. I mean, you don't have to stay…I'm not pressuring you – I just…would feel better if you were here where we could wake one another up if we have issues tonight because of what I've shared with you and what you're going through." She was rambling, shit.
He had started to smirk at her by the time she had gotten to the part about the extra shirt in the drawer. "Relax, Olivia." he reached out and placed his hand on her elbow. "You do know that I've been by myself for a few days, right? I've not put the barrel of my gun in my mouth yet – and won't. It's a sin. But, in light of recent revelations…I think that sounds like a good idea to stay. I wasn't even considering the nightmares. They've gotten better, but, you never know." He watched as her eyes lit up, he was really accepting the invitation to spend the night on the couch.
"Good." She nodded. "I'll go get you a pillow and a blanket." And with that, she turned and spun around exiting the room. He ran his hand over his face and walked over to where his jacket was hanging on the coat rack to retrieve his cell phone from his pocket. No new messages, but he'd need to plug in his phone tonight in case. "If you want," Olivia had come back into the room and begun to open up the fold-out couch, "You can plug your phone in where mine is – I plug mine in next to my bed." She smiled at him, as he nodded quietly.
"Thanks, Liv." He brought his phone down and put it on the counter next to hers. "Looks like you have a few more messages."
"They get nervous when I don't respond because of what happened the last time. I guess I should face time her and let her know I'm fine."
"Here – " he walked over to where she was spreading out the fitted sheet onto the mattress on the hide-away. "Let me take care of this while you go take care of that before she shows up here and it gets all awkward. For her, not us." Elliot looked down at her, she looked more relaxed than she had the other day when he had seen her in the precinct. Before she had found out about the…gigantic mistake he had made.
Olivia was looking up at him, and she felt – fluttery. Nodding, she handed the sheet to him and abruptly went to grab her phone. Calling Amanda back as she was walking to the bedroom because no sooner did she get half-way to her room did he hear Amanda's voice answer with a rushed 'Thank God, Liv, I was about to send someone over to check on you.' He had to laugh lightly at this admission. At least it sounded like someone was watching out for her. Especially after what she'd shared with him.
"Okay. That's all taken care of." She walked out of the bedroom five minutes later, wearing her reading glasses, she must've left her phone in the bedroom because she wasn't holding it, but she did have a pair of athletic shorts in her hand. "I found this in the bottom drawer, El." She handed them to him. "They looked like they'd fit."
"Where do you get all these clothes, Liv?"
"I'm secretly a kleptomaniac, don't tell anyone." She answered sarcastically, winking. "No, but I did steal the shirts from your locker back when we were partners, but these shorts? I ask for them because we've all been in situations where we needed a change of clothes and I don't want anyone going home to terrify their children if they're covered in blood. So I'll make sure Noah stays in his room while they change out of the hospital clothes and into NYPD official athletic clothes or sweats." She answered, shrugging. "You can go change if you want, El. I think I'd like to watch TV or a movie with you before I go to bed. Give my mind a chance to rest. If that's okay with you?"
He nodded quietly and took the shorts to the bathroom. This wasn't a big deal; they were two friends who needed company. He kept repeating to himself. But the nagging voice in the back of his head kept adding, yes, friends who have admitted that they are in love with one another but too damaged to pursue a real relationship at the moment. Eventually, yes. Definitely. But at the moment? Friends. Friends first.
Just company to make sure that their nightmares didn't overwhelm them completely. When he came out of the bathroom he was surprised to find that she had changed into a pair of shorts instead of the flowy pants she had been wearing and she was propped up with a bowl of popcorn on her lap. He neatly placed his clothes on the back of the chair and climbed next to her.
"What are we watching?"
"Something funny." She answered. "We could use something funny."