Chapter Ten – Sursum corda (Lift up your hearts)

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the ability to utilize my words in whatever way I deem necessary to tell a story.

Author's Note: I am listening to the album called Love Monster by Amy Shark…and it inspired this chapter.

Playlist: I Said Hi – Amy Shark || Don't Turn Around – Amy Shark

This chapter focuses on Elliot sitting with Olivia and Kathleen in the diner, ruminating over everything that had happened the night before. The next chapter will probably be another therapy session.

Sitting in the diner booth, sharing an orange juice with his former partner and listening to his child speak to her as a colleague - Elliot Stabler couldn't quite believe that he was actually witnessing what he was witnessing. His second born child had come a long way from where she had been when she was younger. His blue eyes watched as the women were speaking.

He thought back to the moment Kathleen had called Olivia earlier that morning to ask them to breakfast. Of course, she hadn't known he was there at first, but she'd been so quick to accept the fact that he was at Olivia's apartment and that nothing had happened. Kathleen had asked Olivia if she had told him – and Olivia had confirmed it.

He thought back to the statement and couldn't help but feel like ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. Kathleen had known all about the experience Olivia had been through and hadn't said ONE WORD to him. If he was being honest, it bothered him that she didn't say something about it...until he realized WHY she hadn't said anything about it to him. He had asked his children to not talk about Olivia at all. As though if he didn't hear her name or think about her, she would fade away in his memory and he could focus on being a great father and husband to his wife that he'd been neglecting all those years. That she would be better off without him. Not that he wasn't curious about her through the years, he would've been absolutely lying if he said she never crossed his mind.

Then, there was Paris. When he and Kathy had gone to Paris, and he thought he saw Ed Tucker and Olivia Benson there – well, he thought for sure he had been hallucinating. But according to Olivia, it was her. He had been in the same place as her and had thought he was hallucinating. He had walked right by the two of them, and none of them had even noticed. But there was always that nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach…and she had already been forever changed by the time she had gone on that trip.

But Kathleen knew about it. She had seen the news reports, read the articles, heard about everything and hadn't told him. She hadn't told him when the news broke that the Detective had been kidnapped. She hadn't told him that the woman next to him was presumed to be in danger. Why?

Because you asked her not to, and she knew you would've moved heaven and hell to come back to save her.

He couldn't dwell on this any longer, because as Olivia had told him, he didn't get to take the blame for this. It wasn't his burden to bear. He didn't even know. If anything, she should be pissed at Kathleen for not telling him – but when she had spoken to Kathleen, he assumed Kathleen had explained the order she had been given, to not breathe one word of Olivia's name to him.

It was like a dull knife that had been dug into his heart when he had read the letter. He always knew the woman next to him was capable of great strength and the ability to move forward after trauma. Her entire childhood had been full of trauma with her mother's binge drinking and blame-game over the fact that she was a product of a rape. He knew about the time Olivia had fought back against her mother and injured her. Olivia had confessed she had once wanted to kill her mother in her teens because she'd been blinded by rage and was told that she was just the constant reminder when her mother was drunk that she was just collateral damage.

But what she had shared with him in that letter…that was a whole other can of worms that he wasn't sure how the hell she had managed to move on from. She had said there were still triggers and that she was still coping with it – that she was getting therapy for it, but he couldn't help but now wonder just what his showing back up had done to her.

He turned to look at Olivia, with her hair pulled back and she was smiling at his daughter, a sad smile. Something about the case Kathleen had brought her. He had half-listened to it and it sounded terrible, especially when Kathleen had come to same conclusion as Olivia, there was nothing they could do because the initial situation didn't happen in their state. Her bangs were framing her face and he couldn't believe how beautiful she had become in ten years – not that she wasn't gorgeous beforehand, but she had aged – almost backwards, if he was going to be honest. The lines on her face were beautiful to him, the corners of her eyes had laugh lines and there were smile lines on her cheeks. He could only give Noah credit for those lines – motherhood looked beautiful on her.

He thought about last night.

When she had fallen asleep on the couch, she had done so with one hand on her stomach and the other clinched in his hand, their thumbs tracing lazy circles. When she had drifted off, her thumb quit rubbing and her hand had loosened in his and that's when he noticed her eyes had closed and her breathing had grown deeper. Just as he was going to try to extricate his hand from hers to go to the bathroom, she shifted and threw her arm and leg over his body. She had somehow managed to wrap her arm around his and rest one hand on his forearm, the other wrapped around his waist. The leg that had been tossed over his lower body had resulted in her shorts riding up just enough to show her thigh, and he had looked down to see the faint white line that was disappearing beneath the fabric of the shorts.

She had scars that she had to learn to accept because they meant that she had survived and she was alive.

Not that he wasn't curious about what that particular scar was – it looked like the curve of a letter, but God, he hoped not.

She was going to be the death of him. Especially in this position she was laying in. He had allowed himself to dip his nose down to where her hair had splayed out on his arm and inhale the scent of her shampoo. Her shampoo wasn't floral, fruity, or fancy smelling at all, he couldn't quite place it…but it was just Olivia.

Her body felt heavy pressing into his and realizing that there was no way he was going to move her, he had decided to take advantage of the closeness and warmth and he only hoped he would sleep soundly. He hoped she would sleep without nightmares.

When he had woken up this morning, it was just before six am, and he felt the odd feeling like someone was staring at him. So, he had slowly opened his eyes and that's when they had met with her brown ones. She hadn't moved at all, and her body was still thrown over his own, a smile on her face. They had both looked down at each other's lips and then, without a word, met eyes once more.

"Sleep well?" he managed to whisper, bringing his hand up to rest on her cheek.

She just nodded into his chest and then curled closer to his side, clenching her calf muscle around his knees. "Yeah. Did you?"

"Yeah." He had answered.

That was how they had stayed, until she heard her phone go off in the other room.

Now, here he was, sitting next to the woman who had comfortably wrapped herself around his very being…a long time ago.

Kathleen was staring at him, her brows raised and Olivia was smirking at him. Shit. He'd been caught lost in thought.

"I'm sorry – I was just thinking. What was the question?" He asked, rubbing his eyes with his hand.

"Wow, dad." Kathleen shook her head. "I was asking how things were going with therapy. You know, we did tell Olivia if you fucked it all up she could adopt us."

"That's nice of you kids, I think I'm starting to feel better. So…thanks." He answered, taking the piece of bacon Olivia had left him on the plate. It was just like old times, them sharing a breakfast plate.

"I'm proud of you, dad." Katie smiled, reaching across the table and taking his hand into her own smaller one, and he couldn't help but think back to everything she had put them all through. The inpatient treatments at psychiatric centers, the community service, the DUI, the thefts, swinging in the park in a shower curtain, the overdose…she was just as much a survivor as the woman sitting next to him. "And I'm proud of you, Liv." She took Olivia's in her other hand.

"Katie, I'm proud of you too." Olivia smiled kindly at his daughter, and he couldn't help but feel like in that moment, his heart would burst with pride. Fuck pride being a deadly sin, a man was allowed to feel a little proud of these two women.

One thing was for sure, he would have quite a bit to bring up at the next therapy session with Lindstrom.

So much he was thinking of but needed time to process, so he just reached over and took another drink of the Orange Juice sitting between himself and Olivia, shooting both women a smile.

His heart felt a little lighter.