Chapter Eleven – Fortiter et Fideliter (Bravely and Faithfully)

Summary: After a week of triggers for Captain Benson, she has a small conversation with her favorite Sergeant. After the week Elliot has had with Angela's arrest plus the letter Olivia had written him and the confessions between the two of them…he can't wait for therapy on Friday evening.

A/N: We'll pretend the Lindstrom scene happened in the ep. with Henry, but it was in context to the sessions they've already been having…not that she hasn't had any. At least I realized that she'd need therapy to deal with this before the show addressed it.

Still stuck on an Amy Shark kick – the songs for this chapter (in no order) are: Psycho – Amy Shark || Never Coming Back – Amy Shark || Mess Her Up – Amy Shark

Disclaimer: I am playing with someone else's toys – not my own. However, the words I use are from my own brain and maybe past episodes – and I might bend situations to suit my needs.

Friday Morning

Captain Olivia Benson had been looking forward to the appointment she and Detective Stabler had established as their now regular appointments on Fridays at 6:30. This would be the third one, and in light of the events from the last weekend and the events of the week, she was hoping that perhaps he might be open to sharing more with Dr. Lindstrom, and the sooner he opened himself up to sharing things, the sooner 1PP would be off of her back. She just needed Dr. Lindstrom to sign off on the file that Elliot was seeking help for his issues and that Olivia had fulfilled her duty.

But honestly, part of her didn't want for their sessions to ever come to a close – they were actually LITERALLY helping them communicate. It was held in a neutral situation, with a referee (if needed, though she was pretty sure Lindstrom wouldn't be able to separate the two of them if anything did come to blows – they were both trained in hand-to-hand combat…Elliot's being in the Marines), and allowed for a neutral third party to point out things they were oblivious to. The therapy had opened them up to talking to one another with an ease that a year ago or even a couple of weeks ago, she had felt would never happen again.

It had given her the courage to tell Elliot about Lewis. So, as she sat at her desk this morning, she allowed her mind to drift over the past week.

She had avoided calling him the night after Henry began his spree. For the next three nights, she had avoided calling him. She'd actually not slept much this week because she didn't want to appear too needy. They weren't dating; they were working on rebuilding their friendship. He was working on taking care of himself and his family as well. Plus, she was sure he had his own case he was working on – the one against Angela Wheatley and Richard Wheatley (Sinatra). Or that's what he'd texted her earlier in the week – she hadn't responded because she was dealing with her own case.

She had felt better now knowing that he knew. That she had the courage to tell him. That he'd not looked at her as though she was a victim, but looked at her as though she was Wonder Woman. He'd been impressed. He'd understood that she knew grief, and understood that she could relate to the PTSD on a personal level not just a professional one.

She thought about all the little touches and looks they had been giving one another in the past few weeks. She wanted to brush it off as just falling back into old patterns, but she couldn't. She didn't want the old them back, she wanted a new and improved them. This was their shot. But she would wait however long it took him to grieve, to get closure. She'd been waiting twenty-two years, what was a few more? A little smile tugged at the corner of her mouth as she stared at the e-mail inbox that was up on her screen.

She was thinking about last Friday night and Saturday morning. If she hadn't felt as comfortable as she had as she lay next to him in her shorts and his old t-shirt on the couch, she might've never known what it was like to fall asleep next to her former partner or wake up and feel him there. She hated to admit it, but now she was craving that situation, but she had to wait. You have to fucking wait just a little while longer, Olivia.She kept telling herself. Just wait until he's ready. He'll let you know when he's ready.

But dear GOD, that man had forearms that were strong. They'd held her before, in various dangerous situations back when they were partners, they'd shielded her in a barrage of gunfire, they'd held her behind a door as he went first into buildings – but waking up with her hand wrapped around his Marines tattoo – it had woken something up in her. Something she had thought was dead.

She clicked her mouse to make it look like she was actually reading something, looking over her glasses at the screen. Please be ready sooner rather than later, El. She thought to herself.

"LIVY!" She snapped out of her thoughts and looked up, shocked, to see Fin standing in front of her desk, his fingertips on either side of the computer. He hadn't called her Livy since she had her PTSD episode after Sealview. She hadn't even noticed him walk in or shut the door.

"Sorry." She whispered, her voice barely registering in her ears.

"You okay, baby girl? I know this case was rough – did you talk to anyone about it? I know this week wasn't easy. Rollins said you haven't spoken much. You talk to Stabler?"

"Fin, I have a therapy appointment this evening…so thank you."

"Liv, you know I always got your back." Fin nodded, walking around the desk to place his hand on her shoulder, giving a little squeeze before he turned around and left the office.

She knew Fin would have her back. He'd been looking out for her for a long time, and had made it perfectly clear that when she walked away that's when he'd walk with her. Ever since Lewis, he'd made sure to keep an eye on her. Sometimes, she wondered if he was doing it for himself or because he felt responsible for her because Elliot wasn't around. He had become a good friend to her, and she was grateful for his presence and knowledge into her psyche. He always knew the right words to say to her to make her see things in a different light. He had a curious philosophy on things, and she loved that about him.

She was glad that Fin had found Phoebe after all these years. He was marrying his partner. Making her his partner for life. It was a much needed glimmer of beauty after a terrible year. It was his bit of pretty that he needed – that he deserved. After devoting as much time to SVU as he had.

Her brows furrowed together. He was marrying his former partner. Fate intervened in Fin's life and handed him a second chance. She shook her head; it wasn't the same as her and Elliot's relationship. As much as she wanted it to be, it probably would never be.

Olivia dwelled on that one word, Probably. You don't know that for sure, Olivia. Just give him time. He said he loves you. He told you that you mean the world to him. He called you beautiful. He said he was proud of you. He told you that you were a part of him. You told him he was a part of you.

She pulled her phone closer to her chest as she selected Elliot's name in her phone and then sent him a text.

ME:
Did you want to go together 2nite?

STABLER:
Well, isn't that the point, Liv?

ME:
That's not what I was saying, ass.
I meant in the same vehicle.

STABLER:
Sure.
Did you want me to meet you at the 1-6 parking garage?
Your apartment?
My apartment?
My precinct?

ME:
Mine's not good. Too many eyes.
I don't go home til' after appt.
Do you want me to pick you up at your precinct?

STABLER:
That's fine, Liv.
I'll see you then.

Olivia smiled to herself, staring at the messages and then looked up, catching Fin looking through the window at her and smirking. Leaning her head back, she looked up at the ceiling and removed her glasses. Trying to appear pissed off that he had caught her.

"FIN! My office!" She yelled, and almost immediately, the man sauntered into her office, closing the door behind him and taking a seat on the couch. She stood up and walked over to close the blinds so no one could look in. After they had been closed securely, she took a seat next him, leaning her head back on the couch.

"Do I have to beat someone's ass?" Fin smirked looking at his friend.

"No. Not at all." Olivia answered, letting a sigh escape her lips. "Quite the contrary." She turned to look at him, her eyes dancing in a way he hadn't seen in years.

"You're in love. Hot damn, I knew it. Anyone I know?"

"Shut up." She whispered. "You always knew."

"I did." He nodded, "I just think maybe right now isn't the best time, Liv. Don't ya think?"

"It's a fucking terrible time, Fin." She answered, "But I can't stop myself from falling further every damn day I see him. Did you know that 1PP approached me a couple of weeks ago and asked me to take him to counseling because they received word that only I had the ability to make him listen or heal or do whatever the hell they want from him?" She voiced, throwing the question out there to the universe. Fin's face suddenly changed expressions and it wasn't lost to Olivia. "Did you have anything to do with the anonymous source that told them that?"

"I plead the fifth, Liv. I knew you two had so much history and shit to work through that it would help." He shyly answered.

"What I can't figure out, Fin, is why he wrote me this beautiful fucking letter and was going to give it to me, then go back to Italy like nothing had ever happened. What the hell did he think would happen? He'd come, give a speech, hand me a letter, break me all over again and then disappear?"

"Maybe you should talk to him about this, ask him. I don't have that answer. Has his daughter said anything about it to you? I mean, I know you and Kathleen have been talking. I saw you two getting a cup of coffee the other day…But are you and Elliot at least talking?"

Olivia looked at Fin curiously for a moment, "Yeah, I talk to Kathleen…Are you spying on me?" She shook her head, "Fin, what I'm saying to you here, it goes nowhere, do you understand? You've always kept my secrets. 1PP, they don't want me near him in the way I want to be near him, but they want me near him to handle him. He doesn't need to be handled. Bell told me he's playing by the rules…but 1PP, they don't understand that I can't just handle him, I can't just be his superior officer - that there is a lot more to it than they could ever see. That to every little bit of a rumor that might've gone around back in the day, there's one fundamental truth that everyone overlooks…I was and am in love with the fucking asshole. I'm just waiting on him to quit grieving and get better so he can be the man I know he is…the one I deserve." Olivia's eyes were a little glassy as she looked over at her oldest friend who had indeed, kept most of her secrets for the past few years. "So, we go to therapy." she brought her hands up and let them fall with a smack onto her legs.

"Have you had a chance to tell him about what happened to you?" Fin asked, broaching the delicate subject of Lewis.

"I wrote him a letter. He read it." she supplied. "He actually took it rather well, all things considering." a small chuckle escaped her lips as she brought her hands down over her face.

"Damn, you just let him all the way in, didn't you, Cap? Has he met Noah yet?" Fin asked.

Olivia took a deep breath and looked at Fin from the corner of her eye, her lips pressed together in a thin line. "I'm working on trusting him again. On believing him when he says he's going nowhere…that he's sorry he left me the way he did." she answers, in a tone that says she's exhausted, but working on things. He's heard this tone a couple of times, "I haven't introduced them formally yet. He's seen him, and Noah has seen Elliot, but I haven't actually verbally introduced them. I told Noah he's an old friend and a colleague – and asked him to drop it."

Fin nodded, understanding where Olivia was coming from. Elliot had broken her by leaving in the manner he had left. Fin had tried to do his best with trying to assist with their reconnecting as friends, but he never in a million years thought that Elliot returning to New York would result in Kathy Stabler being blown up and Olivia and Elliot being given a shot at something that he and Phoebe had.

He knew Elliot loved Olivia. It was apparent from all their years as partners. The way Elliot was protective and possessive of his partner, back in the day. Fin knew how much Olivia was in love with Elliot because no matter who Olivia Benson had dated after Elliot left her – she never cried as much or as hard as she had when Cragen had told her Elliot had left without saying goodbye. The men she supposedly loved, she had let go like they were a moldy take-out container that had been sitting in her fridge too long.

He'd found her crying in one of the interview rooms and he offered to drive to Queens to beat Stabler's ass for her. He'd also been called by Elliot after one of her many voicemails and asked him to look after her for him. It was that small conversation that cemented what Fin had always suspected. What Olivia and Elliot had – that shit transcended reality. They might've never once acted upon it – but you couldn't be in the same room as the two of them without feeling the magnetic pull the universe was exerting upon the two of them.

"Liv, I'm happy for you. Just be careful. Take your time. Learn to trust one another again. But you have to be brave, while learning to trust. I know you two wouldn't intentionally ever hurt one another – and I'll cut the bastard if he hurts you again. You can tell him that." Fin pat Olivia on the leg and stood up. "I gotta go finish some paperwork from this week." He made his way toward the door and paused, turning once more to look at her, "It looks good on you, being in actual love."

Friday, 6 pm

Elliot had been having another shitty week.

The highlight of it all was that now they had Gianluca Silvano in America as a setup buyer, to try to trap Wheatley. That, and he had been thinking about last weekend and the message that Olivia had just sent him.

He was trying to process a lot of things still. He was trying to process the fact that Angela had sought vengeance on him before she even had all the answers. She was manipulative and to be honest, she and Richard deserved each other. Two snakes deserved to coil around one another and try to choke each other to death, squeezing and constricting. Biting one another with venom dripping from their fangs. Meanwhile, Elliot was here trying to reconcile with the fact that his wife had been killed because someone sought vengeance because they had been lied to. His wife that had raised his five children. His wife that he had loved, honored, and cherished. His wife, whom had never purposely hurt another person in her entire life.

He was trying to come to terms with the fact that his daughter, Kathleen, had been talking to Olivia presumably since Kathy's accident.

The therapy sessions. He had never in a million years considered therapy as an option. If the years had taught him anything, it was that he couldn't keep doing the same shit over and over and expecting different results. He had always thought of Therapy as a load of bullshit. Maureen had told him once that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results was a sign of insanity. He didn't want to be insane. He couldn't handle the connotation that came with the implied label of insane. His mother had been once deemed insane. Katie had been deemed insane. Until the truth came out and they were actually just bipolar.

So, since Kathleen had pleaded with him to listen to Olivia, to trust her, and to try to make things work with therapy – to try to make things work with Olivia, to try to get better…he was going to try. Honestly, he was surprised how well it was working. If he had tried this back a couple of years ago, he wondered what the hell would have been different.

Don't dwell on the what-could-have-beens or the what-ifs.

He hadn't known what to expect when Kathy had told him that she had accepted the invitation to the awards ceremony. It honestly bothered him that she had done that, he'd been trying to make things work since they'd moved to Italy. He thought they were happy. Recently, he was beginning to question whether or not it was all just a fancy mirage – the happiness was one-sided. He was fucking miserable in Italy, now that he thought about it. Okay, true, he liked the food and the warm weather was nice as well, but for the most part – there was part of him that was just missing. He had explained it to Olivia last weekend…he was dreaming of the streets of New York and her when he was living in paradise with his wife.

Olivia would have loved it there. Maybe then, he would have loved it.

After the car had exploded in the middle of the street, and the ambulances had arrived, the cops had arrived, and then like glass shattering because of a bullet ripping through it – there she was. All of the times he'd imagined what she'd looked like in his mind had merged into the flesh and all the air in his lungs had escaped in a single moment, and he saw her standing there, looking down at the stretcher, confusion etched on her features that he could never forget no matter how many years it had been. It was as though all the lights had ceased to move, and her name escaped his lips before he could think twice. "Liv!"

She had turned to look at him in the middle of the street, away from his wife and her eyes had widened – and without even thinking about it, they had moved toward one another like gravity was pulling them together again.

He put his palms into his eyes as he remembered the moment he saw her for the first time in ten years. He hadn't wanted it to be like that, in those circumstances…and it had taken every ounce of his being to not just grab her and hold onto her as tightly as he had when Sonya had been killed. It took every ounce of his very being to not throw caution to the wind and pull her into him for a kiss explaining the absence for the last decade to her.

His phone went off, and before he could check it, Ayanna had walked over to the window and looked down at the parking lot. Turning back around she caught his eyes and nodded to him, as though she was acknowledging that the person she saw sitting in the SUV next to his was there for him. She knew without even having to really know.

"Got a date?" She asked, pointedly.

"Not like that." He stated, grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair. "Night, Sarge." He reached on the desk and took his keys in his hand, making his way out of the squad room.

When he had gotten down to the parking area, he unlocked his vehicle, pulled out a bag, and climbed into Olivia's vehicle. Looking up at the window, he saw Sloot and Ayanna standing there, watching curious.

"We have an audience." Olivia stated, looking up at the window just like he was. "Should I wave?" She turned and looked at him, her brow arched ever-so-slightly. He couldn't take his eyes off of her, though.

"Nah, let's just go." He answered, locking his vehicle with the remote, which he dropped into his jacket pocket and pulled the seatbelt on. "Bell is trying to fluster me, and Sloot is just convinced you're some sort of Amazon goddess."

"An Amazon goddess? So, I'm Wonder Woman, to Jet Slootmaekers?"

"Something like that, yeah." Elliot answered, adjusting the vent so that the cool air was hitting him.

The ride to the appointment was spent in relative silence, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Partly because they had somehow interlaced their fingers once more after they'd vanished from view of Organized Crime and had resumed the small circles on one another's hand. It was comforting, this small gesture, but at the same time, it sent shivers down both of their spines that neither wanted to acknowledge just yet.

After parking the vehicle in the garage, Olivia looked down at their hands and sighed.

"Fin told me to tell you something this afternoon." She looked up, and for an instant it was almost like it was sixteen years ago.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, he said he'd cut you if you ever hurt me again in any way, shape, or form." She shrugged. "He would, too." She reached around and picked up her bag. "You ready to go in?" She was smiling at him and he felt his breath catch in his throat. Olivia Benson was absolutely beautiful and he could feel his walls dissolving by the second - "El?"

Her voice sounded strained as she looked into his eyes and her eyes flashed down to his lips as she raised them once again. She was searching for something in his eyes – and he was looking into hers with the same searching look. It was as though the air had been drained from the front seat of the vehicle and time stood still as he brought his hand up and wound it in her hair, cupping the back of her neck and their noses inched closer together as she struggled over whether she should close the space between their lips when all of a sudden the waves crashed over and their lips met and her eyes fluttered closed as she reached her hand around and wrapped it around his neck, deepening their locked lips. Moving herself closer to the middle console and nipping at his bottom lip with her teeth, sliding her tongue inside of his mouth. Tasting what she could only guess was cinnamon gum.

When he pulled back she looked up into his blue eyes, her brown ones burning into his with a silent promise as he struggled whether he should say something about how they were going to be late going into the office, she bit her bottom lip where the ghost of his remained. Elliot stared at her, bewildered and yearning for more. She exhaled and sat back in her seat, staring out the windshield as he just stared over at her.

Fuck. He was in deep now.