Chapter Fourteen – Veritas liberabit vos (Truth Shall Liberate You)

A/N: I can't help myself sometimes.

Songs: Saturn (Instrumental) – Sleeping At Last || Atlantic – Sleeping At Last || Heart – Sleeping At Last || Mess Her Up – Amy Shark || All Loved Up – Amy Shark

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. I just play with them and their lives using my words and imagination.

Previously: Once Elliot had slid into the driver's seat, he put the keys in the ignition and looked over at Olivia who had tilted her head back on the headrest, exposing her neck. His eyes still found the scar and she had reclined the passenger seat.

"Comfortable?" He asked, a small smile on his lips. She turned her head to look at him.

"Yes. Now, drive, Stabler. I'm starving." she paused, and then threw her arm over her head, "It's not you I don't trust in my bed."

The ride back to Olivia's apartment was being spent in a comfortable silence, as Elliot drove through the city streets, glancing down to the woman next to him who was leaning back in the passenger seat, relaxing. He wasn't actually sure whether she was awake or asleep, but honestly, he didn't care – because even though her arm was over her eyes, her face looked relaxed and her breathing was even and slow.

Every single therapy session they had attended had opened them up to further examining their interactions with one another both in the past, present, and looking to the future – and what he had gotten out of the three sessions they'd experienced thus far was a plethora of information which could easily be translated into a simple deduction: they were each other's one true love.

He couldn't let anyone hurt her ever again. Including himself. He had to be better for her. He had always tried to be better for her. He couldn't seem to erase the nagging feeling that there was something about the night the bomb went off – what was it that she had wanted to go to Katie's and get.

"You're being loud again." Her voice interrupted his thinking.

"How do you do that?" He asked, watching the cars in front of him.

"Do what? El? Tell you that you're being too loud when you aren't saying anything at all? It's your body language. I feel everything. I can feel the tension roll off of you like the heat rolls off of the city streets just after a rainstorm in the summer." She wet her lips as she debated the next words out of her mouth, "You do it to me, too, you know. You tell me I'm being loud when I haven't even said one word. You always have." She moved her arm down and let it rest just below her chest, across her ribs, turning her head so that she could see his face.

"I guess you're right, Liv. I used to hear you loud and clear – not so much anymore."

"You hear me just fine, Stabler – you just choose to block out certain things." She reached her left hand over and allowed it to rest on his leg.

"Liv, I'm sorry that I didn't realize just how much I hurt you. The implications of my leaving and what it did to you." He quietly answered – "I don't know if I was clear on that – "

"El, relax." she whispered. "I told you – what is in the past, is in the past. I don't want to revisit it anymore. I just want to look toward the future. I want to be able to introduce you to my son. I want to trust that you won't leave when things get hard. I want to know that you're in this for the long haul. Whatever we make this into. I want to be able to trust that if we annoy the shit out of one another you won't ever punch my walls…But like I said to you, I want you to grieve properly."

"Liv- I would never physically harm you, and you would deck my ass or stop me like you did in the box the night of the accident. What the hell does that even mean, grieving properly? I'd like to say that I am pretty sure I've accepted the fact that she's gone and she wouldn't want me to be miserable."

Olivia tilted her head back again against the headrest and let out an audible groan. "Dear God."

"We're not in our thirties or twenties or even forties, Liv. We can't wait two years – I can't wait another day."

"You haven't taken off your ring yet, Elliot. You're not ready. It's legitimately been a month. Most people wait six months to a year."

"Seriously?" he asked, "But, Liv…what if she gave us her blessing?"

"How the fuck would that even work, Elliot? Are you a psychic medium now? Been talking to ghosts? Should we call up Doctor Lindstrom again and tell him you're hallucinating? Do I need to call up Ayanna and talk to her about your mental state?"

"Liv. C'mon, that's not what I was saying."

"Give me a break here, El." She pinched the bridge of her nose with her right hand.

"That's odd." Elliot stated, slowing down outside of Olivia's building. "That's Katie's car."

Olivia reached down and adjusted the lever to raise her seat back up into a sitting position. She looked in and saw that she wasn't in the car. "Well, she must be waiting at my door. Let's get parked." She reached down and took out her phone, finding Katie's number and dialing her. She must've picked up, because Olivia began speaking into the phone, "Yeah. No, we're parking now." She looked over at Elliot and then adjusted her phone as she reached down for her bag at her feet as Elliot pulled into her parking spot. "Yeah, we'll be up in a few minutes. Alright, see you then sweetie."

"She okay?" Elliot asked, turning off the vehicle.

"Yeah, she said that she had something she wanted to give us – she sounded really odd, to be honest."

Elliot felt his stomach drop. "Odd how?"

"El, that was a long time ago. You have to learn to trust her again. I do." Olivia answered, allowing her hand to rest on his arm for a moment, before opening her own door and getting out. Elliot did the same and then locked the vehicle and met Olivia behind the Suburban.

As the elevator came to a halt on the fourth floor, they took a step out and walked down the hallway to Olivia's door. When they arrived, Elliot was holding onto his bag and looked down at his daughter, who was sitting on the floor, her legs out in front of her, leaning against the wall.

"When you sit like that, you remind me of when you were fourteen and waiting to use the bathroom while your sister was hogging it on break." Elliot reached his hand down to assist his daughter rising to her feet.

"Sometimes, dad, things never change." She grabbed hold of his arm and allowed him to pull her up to her feet. "Listen, I was sorting through some of the things at my apartment earlier today and I came across this." She held up the black leather sleeve that looked like a document envelope. "Can we go inside?" she asked, as Olivia unlocked the door and opened it, they all paused to take off their shoes and coats at the door.

Olivia went straight to the kitchen after she dropped her purse off on the kitchen bar, she plugged in her phone and then held her hand out for Elliot's phone. She had brought out another charger for the kitchen bar. This small gesture hadn't escaped his notice at all.

"Does anyone want anything to drink?"

"I'll take a water bottle." Katie spoke, as she sat down at the dining room table. Elliot walked into the kitchen next to Olivia and opened the fridge, taking out three water bottles.

"I could've gotten that, El." Olivia whispered, grabbing her bottle out of his hands and then proceeding to the table to take a seat. He walked into the room with Olivia and Katie and handed Katie the water bottle she requested. "So, what do you have for us, Katie?" Olivia held her hand out, expecting the younger woman to put it in her hand, but Katie didn't do it.

"I think, first, I need to tell you both something." she bit her bottom lip, and Elliot shook his head. When the hell did his daughter develop the same habit that Olivia had when she was nervous? "Dad, don't say a word until I'm done, do you understand? You can nod, if you do." Katie's blue eyes were a bright, vibrant shade of blue – where Elliot's were a stormier shade of blue. Olivia watched this exchange curiously, because it had been so long since she'd seen him interact with his children outside of the intervention, and in an intimate setting. "Alright…" she took a deep breath. "When you and mom were coming back from Italy for your meetings and Liv's ceremony, mom called about two months before." Elliot was leaning back in the chair, his arms crossed, his expression not giving anything away as to what he was thinking. Olivia was just watching Katie, curious.

"Mom called to tell me that she had seen an e-mail that had been sent out to all NYPD personnel that were former members of Manhattan's 16th Precinct Special Victim's Unit and it was asking for former and current personnel to attend an awards ceremony honoring Captain Olivia Benson for receiving the NYPD Women in Law Enforcement award –" Katie paused, looking at Olivia and smiling, a genuine, warm, congratulatory smile. "She said that she had accepted the RSVP. And that there was something she wanted to do while here. She told me this long story about how every single night, she would watch you, dad, on the balcony." Katie pushed away from the table and began pacing in front of the bookshelves that lined the wall, Elliot had turned in his seat so he could see her face, as she played with her fingers in a nervous way.

"She said that for the past six years, she would watch you nightly, you'd stand out on the balcony and look down at the little plaza with a glass of red wine in your hand, and you'd just stare at the fountain. You'd watch the people, and she said she could see that whatever it was you were zoning in on, it was like watching someone watching a ghost." Katie took another deep breath. "She asked me if I had been talking to Olivia – and I told her no. She asked if I thought dad had spoken to her, and I said no." Katie shook her head, "When she arrived, after dad went to some meetings, she pulled out that." Katie stopped, pointing to the leather portfolio envelope on the table. "She told me she wanted me to hang on to it until the night of the dinner and she would come pick it up." Katie closed her eyes, and picked up the envelope, procuring the contents inside. "Obviously, that never happened, but she wanted to give you two these." She held the third one in her hands, as she handed the other two to their respective addressee.

Katie took a seat now, next to her father as she held hers in her hand. "Obviously, I don't know what the hell is in these envelopes, before you ask – so, I thought maybe we could all do this together?" She seemed to be asking permission. "I mean, she had left letters for Dickie, Lizzie, and Maureen too…but she didn't leave one for Eli. And I can't, for the life of me figure it out – unless whatever it was she had to say wasn't for Eli…like, she maybe was going to tell Eli herself?" Katie sadly looked down at the envelope as she played with the flap.

Neither Olivia nor Elliot had moved to open theirs just yet, either.

Olivia was the first to speak, "Well." She stared at the envelope with the loopy script spelling out 'Olivia' on the front, she had an awkward feeling about this whole situation, but her curiosity was getting the best of her, "I guess…we should open them?" she looked over at Elliot who was tracing his own name in his dead wife's handwriting.

Katie just stared down at her own. "I just don't understand, because the letters to Dickie, Lizzie, and Mo – they were regular envelopes. I'm the only one that got the same envelope as you two."

"Let's not jump to any conclusions." Elliot reached over, and placed his hand on his daughter's arm, allowing it to rest there for a moment before withdrawing it and placing a finger at the spot where the tape was securing the flap down onto the envelope.

Olivia took a deep breath and ripped off the piece of tape on hers and reached in to take out the stack of papers and the envelope that looked identical to the one Elliot had handed her with his own letter in it. Taking a deep breath, she didn't even look at the stack of white papers. But, curiosity won her over, she flipped the stack over and touched the clip at the top of the paper that had a post-it note underneath it. She didn't need to read the text at the top of the page to know what kind of document it was she had been given, she moved the post-it note out of the way and her eyes caught the filed date at the top. Flipping to the back page, she looked at the signatures and the dates next to them. Her breath caught in her throat as she felt suddenly nauseous.

She quickly tucked the white pages into the envelope again, and reached for the envelope. What the fuck was Kathy Stabler playing at? "El?" Olivia asked, quietly, her hand coming to rest over the top of his, before she had even looked over at him.

Katie had opened her envelope and was busy reading the letter that her mother had left inside for her – confusion and another emotion Olivia couldn't pin-point were etched across her face. Katie put her hand over her mouth as her eyes scanned the pages, dissecting the words her mother had written. When she reached the end, she flipped it back over and re-read it a second time.

Olivia turned her attention to the man next to her who was just staring at his own envelope. It was almost like he just knew what was contained inside of the envelope. He placed his down on the table, not even pulling anything out of it. Olivia couldn't decide if he was refusing to look because he was resigned to the fact that whatever his wife had to say was moot now, because she had been killed or hesitancy because he realized just why she had suggested he write Olivia a letter and had decided to go to the awards ceremony.

"Read the letter she wrote you, Olivia." Elliot's voice was monotone, as his eyes met Olivia's in an almost pleading manner. "She obviously had ulterior motives."

"Elliot, it doesn't matter what she wrote in this."

Katie spoke up, now, looking between the two of them. "I think you should read it, Olivia." she nodded, placing the pages back into her own envelope that she had now read a third time.

Olivia swallowed – and pulled the pages out of the envelope in front of her. What the hell was it with all these letters? "Before I start, El, can you order something for us to eat. I don't care what – but the menus are in the drawer next to the fridge."

"Yeah, Liv. No problem." Elliot stood and walked into the kitchen, opening the drawer and pulling out the take-out menus. Deciding on Chinese, he dialed the number and ordered a variety.

Olivia had opened the letter.

Dear Captain Olivia M. Benson, aka the Love of my Husband's Life –

I know, Olivia. I know what you're probably thinking. What the hell does this unstable bitch think she's doing by writing that as a greeting in a letter that was tucked in with signed and filed divorce papers? Divorce papers that had been signed eons ago and only just now filed? What game are you playing, Kathy?

I know. I'm absolutely bat-shit crazy for this.

But hear me out here for a moment, would you? I'm sorry. I want to begin by saying those two words to you, and I hope you'll understand why in just a moment. Or a few moments, if you have time to read this, chances are, your curiosity has gotten the best of you, or my husband…sorry, ex-husband – has urged you to go ahead and read this letter. He probably hasn't even read his own, right? That's what happens after so many years married to someone – you understand things about them that they sometimes cannot understand about themselves. If there is one thing I understand about my husband it's that he's devoted and faithful to a fault.

When we met, we were just children, Elliot and me. We were babies ourselves and because we decided to give into our own lust – we had conceived Maureen. I'll spare you all the details, because you already know them all. That's what makes writing this letter so easy for me – it makes it as effortless as Elliot falling in love with you.

He'll always love me, I was the mother of his children. But you, you're the love of his life.

In the beginning, you scared the shit out of me. You're beautiful, with your dark hair and eyes, your olive skin, and your imposing presence. You're also kind, courageous, tenacious, and hard-headed. If there were a female version of Elliot – it's you. You're everything I could never be.

I like you, Olivia. I might not have always liked you, but as the years went by and I discovered just what kind of a person you were – I grew fond of you as well. I understood how easily it was for Elliot to fall in love with you. Hell, you captured Kathleen without even trying. You captured Bernie. His mom never particularly liked me, to be honest – but YOU, Olivia…she met you once, and promptly could not stop talking about you, ever. I don't think she liked me because Elliot had to realign his dreams when we got pregnant at seventeen. He had to abandon his hopes and find a new path.

That path, led to you. Sometimes, I think fate is funny like that. To be perfectly honest.

I think I grew fond of you when you tried to put our marriage back together countless times. Even when we'd argue over you, Elliot would laugh and tell me I was being ridiculous because you were the one that had told him to get his ass home and spend time with his family. That's why I came to you when I originally signed these papers currently in your possession. I knew, if you knew that this is what I had wanted, not just him being a dumbass (let's face it, Elliot can be a dumbass) you could persuade him to do anything. I was hoping that during that time, he would pick you…but he never did. Instead, he went after that temporary partner of his – ugh. Piss poor taste, IMO. But, whatever.

What I'm trying to tell you, Olivia…is that when we left the states ten years ago, I never imagined that I would be making him miserable, and he might have thought he was happy, and maybe he was for a while, but the truth of the matter is – I know deep down he is absolutely dying inside. I never meant to take him away from you. I never wanted you to NOT talk to one another, I just figured, maybe some space would be good for the two of you. I hadn't realized just HOW interwoven the two of you were. I know he loved me, don't get me wrong here – but I want him to be happy.

I want him to be IN LOVE not just duty-bound anymore. Italy is my place, New York is his. You are his. He's in love with you, and I know you're in love with him…you always have been…especially in that self-sacrificing way that you don't give too much of yourself away because it cannot belong to anyone but him. It's always belonged to him…I know that if I can put the two of you in a room together, I can smile, wipe my hands, and walk away knowing that everyone is better off. That he'll be okay, I'll be okay, and you'll be okay.

I'm sorry that it took me so long to let him go…I don't want to be the one that prevents him from finding true happiness. I'm sorry. Take care of him, love him, make him happy. Be happy yourself. It's not about who is winning and who is losing here – I had thirty-seven years…you deserve the rest. I only really deserved twenty-seven, to be honest. And I'm sorry.

I told you years ago – you give him stability, and I see how accurate that was. The kids probably won't be surprised if you decide to get married. Or even start a relationship. The only one is Eli, he won't understand that his father and you belong together. Or maybe he will, once he sees how you two are the same person – maybe the other kids can explain just how perfectly matched the two of you are - I don't know. I just…it was time. You can always tell Eli that you were the first woman to hold him and comfort him when he came into the world – that'll be a good gateway into getting to know him – he's a good kid, Olivia, even if he doesn't understand at first, he will, and he's got a good sense of humor.

We had a good run, Elliot and I…and I wanted to give him to you, Liv. Because I know you haven't been able to give that part of yourself to anyone.

I know nothing happened between the two of you, trust me. I do…So, this is me, personally handing him over to you. Giving you my blessing to pursue whatever relationship you might or might not want. Just, give each other a chance? I think you two would be amazing together.

I told him to write you a letter. I hope he was honest in it. I hope he told you EVERYTHING he felt. He was such a mess, Olivia. I'm sorry about that. He's been doing better, and I hope you can ground him. Grab onto one another. Love one another. Keep one another. Let him in…he won't leave you, ever again. I know he won't be able to leave you once he sees you. He'll realize it with just a single look. A single glance, and you'll be drawn to one another again.

Be there for Katie, she loves you. I'm pretty sure sometimes she wishes you were her mother instead of me. I didn't realize how much I'd hurt both Elliot and Katie by taking you out of their lives.

Be happy. Please, for me…be happy for yourself. You're allowed to be a little selfish and possessive over him, Olivia. He is about you, and he would never intentionally hurt you. I swear to you, he wouldn't.

Kath

Olivia folded the pages together, without saying one single word, and looked over at Katie who was looking at Olivia with a brow arched and then turning to look at her father, who was just watching the expression on Olivia's face. She shook her head and then ran her hands over her face after putting the envelope on the table.

She closed her hand into a fist and placed it against her lips, biting her knuckles. Elliot was just watching Olivia, his expression unreadable as Katie cleared her throat.

"Olivia?" Katie voiced, looking down at the envelope.

"Why?" Olivia asked. "Why now?"

"I don't know." Katie answered, and then both women looked over at Elliot, who was still staring at his envelope. He looked up at Olivia, and his eyes spoke volumes into hers what he couldn't quite articulate.

"Yeah." Olivia answered, nodding. "The papers are what you think they are, Elliot. She was – she had planned on you staying here."

Elliot sighed, and nodded, just as the buzzer went off letting them know that their food had arrived.

"Dad?" Katie had whispered, moving the envelope around on the table as Olivia stood to go allow the delivery guy to come up to the apartment, pressing the button on the buzzer to release the door. "Are you going to read yours?"

"I don't think so." He turned and looked at Kathleen. "I don't think I need to." He let out a sigh, "It doesn't matter, because in the grand scheme of things – she's gone. She is gone, and she was letting me go. So, maybe I should let her go, without the confusion of her final actions." He closed the envelope over and handed it back to Kathleen. "Maybe one day, I'll need to read that letter, but as for right now, Olivia's face told me all I needed to know."

"You're taking this remarkably well, dad." Katie whispered quietly. "I think I'm going to go home, you staying here tonight?"

"Yeah, I think so. It was a rough night." He nodded, as Katie walked toward the door, stopping by Olivia to let her know that even though they'd ordered enough food for all three of them, she was going to go home and ruminate over her own letter from her mom, and prepare herself for her siblings' reactions to their own letters. She also decided to confess her mother's words to Olivia.

"Liv, one more thing." Kathleen spoke quietly, as she pulled on her boots. "When mom was in the hospital, she told me to make sure that dad held onto you. That he would be lost…and you were the only one that would be able to keep him grounded."

"Your mother overestimated my abilities at the moment." Olivia answered, smiling kindly at the younger woman. "Goodnight, Katie. Take it easy and be careful, yeah? Text me when you get home?" She pulled her into a hug and then smiled as she opened the door and took in the Chinese food, while letting Kathleen Stabler out.

When she closed the door, she carried the bag over to the kitchen counter.

"I'm not hungry, Liv." Elliot spoke from the table. Olivia nodded as she put the bag on the top shelf of the fridge and then walked back over to where he was sitting at the table.

"Me either, El." She answered, "My appetite left me when I saw the papers."

"So, I guess –" he stood, "She wanted me to take off my ring? To move on? To find happiness?"

"Elliot, it doesn't have to mean anything, the letter, the paperwork – it doesn't have to mean one thing. You can pretend we never saw it all, you can pretend that her accident was the actual dissolution of your marriage, not the paperwork in the envelope. You can feign ignorance." She whispered, quickly and quietly – "It doesn't have to mean anything, because she never got the chance to give it to us. It came to us by proxy."

"But she filed it, Liv. She was done." he answered, his eyes dancing as they took in the woman in front of him.

"She didn't want you to be miserable, Elliot. She did it because she loved you and she was letting you go so you could –" Olivia felt the words stop somewhere in the pit of her stomach. "So you could find happiness elsewhere…with me." She whispered the last of the sentence. When she looked up, he had pulled off his ring and placed it on top of her envelope. "Elliot –"

"Liv…"

"I don't think – " he placed his finger on her lips and shook his head. He moved his hand so that he cupped her neck in his hands and then lowered his lips to meet hers for the second time that evening. As much as she wanted to protest, as much as she wanted to object, she just couldn't find the words nor the strength to push him away anymore. This was all part of the plan, she told herself, this was what Kathy had brought him back to New York for.

She had brought him home, because she wanted him to be home. She wanted him to be happy, she wanted him to have peace. And if that meant finding peace in his former partner, after twenty-two years – well, who the hell was she to object? So, Olivia allowed herself to wrap her arms around his neck and she leaned into his kiss as she deepened it, and when she did, she found herself being pushed back onto the couch as her knees hit the cushions.

She felt his hands beginning to slide underneath her shirt and she didn't even care that he would feel the scars on her skin, because she trusted him with all of her - she trusted that Kathy wouldn't lie to her about the man's devotion to her.

She opened her eyes in the middle of their kissing to find blue eyes staring at her – and she knew…she knew right then and there that she was going to dive into the deep end, but she knew she wouldn't drown, because she knew the man that had her in the palm of his hands would also be her life preserver.