The first thing Xue Yang remembers is how he died. How, after Lan Wangji had cut off his arm, he lost his balance and fell to the ground while bleeding like a stuck pig. He doesn't remember being in any particular pain, unlike what he felt when he lost his finger as a child (the combination of cultivation and adrenaline probably helped with that this time around) but he remembers anger, targeted not as much at Lan Wangji as at Wei Wuxian, for refusing to help him restore Xiao Xingchen's soul.
Xue Yang was certain the Yiling Patriarch would have found a way to do that, had he really wished to. And he was right, in a sense. Unbeknownst to him, the pendulum he clutched in his hand when he felt his life bleeding out of him had been made by the Yiling Patriarch himself.
Xue Yang now realizes that Wei Wuxian did help him in the end, however unwittingly, with a spell the Yiling Patriarch originally meant as a way to fix his own mistakes.
Xue Yang remembers more anger, targeted at his own person for allowing himself to be killed without reaching his goal, and even at Xiao Xingchen for dying in the first place, but that anger faded away in comparison with the anguish of raw hope with which he crushed the pendulum in a literal death-grip, desperately wishing for one more chance to see the face of the man he had driven to suicide lose its deathly pallor and flush with life.
And you succeeded. The Daozhang is alive again, something tells him. Xue Yang blinks in confusion, briefly trying to locate the source of the words before moving on to ascertain that they are true.
He tries to recall the events of the last few weeks, starting with Xiao Xingchen appearing in his apartment out of the blue, accusing Xue Yang of being the one to bring him to this world.
It turns out Xiao Xingchen was right in suspecting that, even though Xue Yang himself had no idea.
Then they fought a fierce corpse. A-Qing came to visit. Xiao Xingchen started to adapt to the modern world. He and Xiao Xingchen had a fight and Xiao Xingchen ran away. Xue Yang found him and took him home. They searched for Song Lan and found he was missing. Xiao Xingchen accepted Xue Yang's help with restoring his eyesight. They travelled to Suzhou. Xiao Xingchen's surgery was successful. They saved Song Lan from a prison camp.
All these memories are there, but Xue Yang feels as if there was a glass wall separating him from them. None of it feels real. Not in the way the memory of him dying has felt, and this brings on a terrible feeling of doubt. Is the Daozhang really alive? Wasn't it all just a nice dream?
He must make sure of it. Xue Yang clambers to stand up from where he has sunk to his knees.
"Are you okay, man? Should I call Jin Guangyao?" Wei Wuxian's voice reaches him, sounding like from a million miles away. When Xue Yang sends a glance his way, the former Yiling Patriarch's face looks a bit fuzzy, but it seems to hold an expression of regret, as if the man was second-guessing his offer to let Xue Yang touch the pendulum.
Probably worried I'll go into a murdering spree, that something from before sneers. Xue Yang now realizes it's a voice in his head that sounds like himself, yet not quite – the timbre is right, but the intonation is completely wrong, all sing-song where his is flat.
Xue Yang tries his best not to show the gnawing fear that strikes him at the fact that he now has a deranged murderer's voice in his head, as he says to Wei Wuxian, "No need for doctors. I just… gotta be alone for a bit."
Wei Wuxian looks like he wants to object to that, but Xue Yang is already leaving.
…
What Xue Yang said about needing to be alone was of course a blatant lie. What he actually needs is to see Xiao Xingchen right this instant, to make sure the Daozhang really is alive.
He's not aware of how exactly he manages to get out of the secret passage leading to Wei Wuxian's tech cave; the next thing he knows, he's already running down the hill and passing the rabbit barn.
By the time he gets down to the lodging area, he's panting for breath, just like he did when he found Xiao Xingchen in the park. Xue Yang hesitates in front of the door of the room where he left him some two hours ago. Or rather he's fervently hoping that he did. He cannot hear any sounds coming from the inside; it is so quiet that it's easy to imagine the room being empty. He takes a deep breath and steels himself for that alternative.
He doesn't burst the door open, instead opening it as quietly as possible. And then releases a breath he didn't know he was holding.
Xiao Xingchen is there, sitting on a chair by the bed with his back turned towards the door. His clothes are all wrong – a pair of simple light beige cotton pants and a butterfly-patterned yellow and pink T-shirt A-Qing helped him pick up instead of a set of pristinely white robes – but he's alive.
You wouldn't forget me, Daozhang, would you? Xue Yang remembers saying once. His lips curl into a bitter smile at the irony that in reality, it was him who forgot Xiao Xingchen, and not the other way around.
But that doesn't matter anymore.
Now, accepting the wonderful yet terrifying fact that his last desperate resort has worked, Xue Yang rivets Xiao Xingchen with a hungry gaze. He notices that even though the clothes are different, his hair looks very much like it did when Xue Yang last saw him, half up in a knotted bun he started to wear after he had gone blind; Xue Yang idly remembers that back when Xiao Xingchen captured him, he used to wear a white jade pin. He must have sold it later, Xue Yang thinks. He never missed it when it was gone; when he thinks about it now, Xiao Xingchen's old hair ornament actually reminds him of a toothbrush.
This in turn makes him remember how Xiao Xingchen left the apartment after their fight early on, the toothbrush Xue Yang had gotten for him being one of the few possessions he took away with him.
Xue Yang swallows a lump in his throat. The new memory gives way to an old one: once, when they lived together, the Daozhang hurt his wrist during a night hunt and then had trouble undoing his hair; Xue Yang did it for him, and then offered to brush it.
He remembers the cool, smooth texture of the silken strands between his fingers as if it happened yesterday and not many years ago, and his fingers are itching to reach out in order to reacquaint himself with that sensation.
He should have offered to brush Xiao Xingchen's hair for him in this life, before they left for Gusu – Suzhou, that is. Or even here in Cloud Recesses, before they found Song Lan. Xiao Xingchen might have let him.
Now it is never going to happen, he is sure of it.
Xue Yang tries to stop himself from shaking while his knees threaten to give out under him. He takes a shuddering breath, which alerts Xiao Xingchen of his presence.
The Daozhang turns to look at Xue Yang with a perplexed expression.
"What's the matter now? I ate my breakfast," the man says with an easy smile, nodding in the direction of an empty bowl. Xue Yang greedily drinks in that smile, realizing that the last (and only) time he saw a sighted Xiao Xingchen smile at him was during their first meeting, when Xue Yang bullied a street vendor.
At that time, when the Daozhang made excuses for his youth, Xue Yang was angered by what he thought was arrogance.
Gods, he was so stupid.
Xue Yang's eyes stay fixed on that smile even as something in his chest twists like a knife (because the smile is not for him, not really). He doesn't trust his own voice at this moment, so he just nods.
In the next moment, Xue Yang's gaze strays to the bed, his attention caught by someone lying there stirring in their sleep. Before, he was so focused on Xiao Xingchen that he didn't even notice there was another person in the room.
It takes Xue Yang a few seconds to match the man, who has shortly cropped hair and a face full of bruises, with his memories, but then it clicks. Song Lan. How could he have forgotten about him?
He is attacked by a wave of hatred so powerful it makes him ball his hands into fists, one of them burning in phantom pain of being hit with a horse-tail whisk. He also relives the burn of humiliation, only fueled by the look of contempt in the black-robed man's eyes. Who the fuck did the conceited bastard think he was, treating Xue Yang like trash?
Xue Yang punished him for that, killing all his teachers who seemed just as haughty and self-righteous as Song Lan himself, and then leaving him beaten and blinded. He thought that his trusted friend Xiao Xingchen would come after him in revenge, and Xue Yang would show him what's what because this time, he wouldn't refrain from using the Yin Tiger Seal on him.
He didn't count on Xiao Xingchen giving Song Lan his own eyes and then wandering the world blind, much less on him saving Xue Yang when Jin Guangyao sicced his goons on him, after Xue Yang had become too much of a threat. It was a very strange twist of fate, but Xue Yang fully planned to use it to his benefit.
He didn't think much about Song Lan when he started living in Yi with Xiao Xingchen and Little Blind. At first, he was expecting the other Daozhang to come help his friend, but soon understood that the two of them had a falling out. And that it was because of what Xue Yang had done.
That originally filled Xue Yang with glee, as did seeing Xiao Xingchen's considerable melancholy every time he reminisced about his lost friend, but before long he found himself trying to distract the Daozhang from his gloom with inane jokes, and felt an immense satisfaction every time he managed to elicit a smile from him. Or better yet, a short, startled bark of laughter, escaping from Xiao Xingchen's lips as if against his volition, which always left him covering his mouth in embarrassment afterwards.
Xue Yang was glad that those reminiscences were growing scarcer and scarcer. By the time he got tired of his corpse powder trick, he almost forgot Song Lan existed.
Until he was reminded of his existence in the worst way possible, when the man came and spoiled everything Xue Yang had managed to build.
This particular memory imbues him with such violent rage that it sends his hand straying to his waist. There's nothing, of course. He is aware he doesn't have a sword anymore. What's worse, he has no spiritual power at all so even if he still had Jiangzai, he wouldn't be able to wield it. He knows he can draw Shuanghua in this life – it responded to him before. He could try to take it from Xiao Xingchen and run it through Song Lan's body just like he has already done once, by Xiao Xingchen's hand. This time, however, Song Lan still has his tongue, so he would let out a blood-curdling scream when the blade sinks into his chest.
"I'll leave you, Daozhang," Xue Yang rasps out and hastily makes his exit, so he doesn't see the shocked expression on Xiao Xingchen's face that his words have put there.
Yes. He must leave this place, the sooner the better.
Xue Yang bursts into the neighboring room while considering where exactly he will go. He remembers the road to the city, but as that takes an hour by car, he doesn't think he'd get to Suzhou until nightfall. He wishes he had his bike here (or a sword to fly on) but as it is, he is left with just his own two legs.
He whips out his phone, running the Baidu Maps app on automat, only to get the usual 'no connection' message. Right. No Internet in Cloud Recesses. Then he remembers he saw a map of some sort in the brochure they received when they first came to the retreat. He takes a look at it, discovering a forest trail leading towards the nearest train station. By his estimate, the journey should take him about four hours. As he's been on quite a lot of shorter hikes with Xiao Xingchen lately, it shouldn't be a problem.
Xue Yang grabs his backpack and starts to pack. He doesn't take most of what he knows are his clothes because they, too, are all wrong, be it garish upper garments with primitive, nonsensical writings on them or too tight pants. They are undignified and don't feel like his. He, however, has no choice but to stay in the clothes he's wearing right now – a plain grey tee and a pair of black cargo pants – as there are no better alternatives.
He takes a water bottle and a few snacks because he doesn't want to die, even though some small, hollow part of him tells him it would be for the best for everyone involved. But he can't do that to his family – they'd be devastated.
That's a stupid reason, the voice scoffs. You should stay alive for yourself, not for others, you sentimental fool! You don't owe anyone anything.
Xue Yang ignores the voice and moves on to pack his laptop. He at first thought about leaving it behind, because the idea of spending hours making some kind of stupid virtual games seems idiotic, but eventually reconsiders.
The thing is his and it was quite expensive. It contains his work, and what else can he do but return to his job, right? He doesn't have anything much more going on in his life.
Making inane games for petty money. How pathetic, the voice mocks him.
"Beats killing people," Xue Yang spits out, uncaring that he's essentially arguing with himself.
So you can hear me. Good, the voice sniggers.
Xue Yang draws a sharp intake of breath when he finally realizes what's going on – almost everything happening since he touched the pendulum has been the other him taking control over his body and mind. Fucking hell, he knew Little Starfish was alive! He didn't need to make sure of it. And he doesn't want to kill Song Lan, especially after all the trouble he went to in order to reunite him with Xiao Xingchen.
He shouldn't have touched that damn thing.
You're right about that, the voice agrees, almost conversationally. A sheltered brat like you can't handle the things I've done.
Xue Yang is treated to the same images that had haunted his sleep growing up, that of himself killing all those people in the temple, whom he now knows to be Song Lan's teachers.
When he sees all those mutilated bodies, he is no less horrified than when he was a child, but a part of him is also strangely exhilarated. Wouldn't it be nice to kill Song Lan all over again? the voice whispers to him. He's so weak now, like a newborn kitten, it coaxes in a cloyingly sweet tone, you wouldn't even need a sword. You could kill him with your bare hands. It would feel even better, squeezing his life out of him, like this – there's an unwanted image in his head, of Song Lan's eyes bulging out of their sockets, and Xue Yang desperately wants to smash his own head into the wall.
Shutupshutupshutup-
He barely makes it to the bathroom before he's violently sick.
He really has no choice but to leave right away. He absolutely can't let himself harm anyone. Not Song Lan, not Jin Guangyao (even as a hateful kill the back-stabbing whoreson echoes in his head), and especially not Xiao Xingchen.
The voice doesn't protest against this last sentiment.
…
When Xue Yang finishes packing, he finds himself hesitating. Ever since a blind and confused time-traveler appeared in the middle of his apartment, Xue Yang has felt like the man was somehow his responsibility. Even when Little Starfish was mad at him and ran away, he eventually chose to return with Xue Yang.
Xue Yang, however, didn't delude himself as to think that it was caused by any liking to his person – the cultivator simply didn't have anywhere else to go, or anyone else to turn to. Jin Guangyao explained it to him at the time – that Xiao Xingchen developed something like a Stockholm syndrome towards him because Xue Yang had been the only person in his life.
But that's no longer true, isn't it? Xiao Xingchen renewed his relationship with A-Qing, made friends with Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. And now he has Song Lang back in his life as well.
He's no longer dependent on Xue Yang like he once was – his eyesight has returned, his mental health seems stable enough and he has learned enough about the modern world to be able to function in it. He might not have a full education, but possesses sufficient skills to survive on his own: Xue Yang heard Wei Wuxian complimenting Xiao Xingchen's handwriting, offering him that he could lead a calligraphy course.
The last time they were in Suzhou, Xue Yang withdrew some cash money with the intention of sticking it into the cash jar in the kitchen as a donation for Cloud Recesses. It wouldn't be much, given everything Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji have done for them, but Xue Yang didn't have any better ideas. Anyhow, now when he knows Wei Wuxian's identity, his "money is not an issue" makes a lot of sense – someone who was able to pull off the Great Banking Hack hardly has any trouble with finances. In the end, he decides to leave the money to Xiao Xingchen instead, because he never thought of getting him a bank account.
He sets the money on the desk in a neat pile, staring at it for a moment, aware that he should probably write a note. But what could he even say? Should he apologize again for making Little Starfish suffer?
With startling clarity, Xue Yang remembers how the cloth on Xiao Xingchen's eyes turned red when he found out that he had killed Song Lan. How Xue Yang taunted him about wanting to save the world and failing to save even himself, while the Daozhang tried to cover his own ears, to protect himself from Xue Yang's words.
Please let me go, was what Xiao Xingchen begged of him, and Xue Yang's response was to mock him further. Until Xiao Xingchen couldn't take it anymore and slit his own throat.
The razor-sharp image of the Daozhang's lifeless body falling to the ground causes Xue Yang to stagger, clutching at the edge of the desk to keep his balance as his vision grows spotty.
The idea that an apology could in any way remedy the horrifying things he has done seems completely ridiculous. Instead, Xue Yang finds a wooden star he has whittled for Xiao Xingchen earlier, and leaves it on the top of the money pile in lieu of a paperweight. It's a crude, unpolished thing. Xiao Xingchen deserves so much better, but this is all Xue Yang has to give.
Song Lan will be in need of a new identity, but Wei Wuxian will be able to take care of it much more competently than Xue Yang.
This means he is no longer needed.
To think he was so afraid of Xiao Xingchen's disappearing on him! He's the one that should disappear. The last thing Xiao Xingchen said to him before taking his own life was a plea to let him go. Xue Yang instead went and messed with the fabric of time and cycle of rebirths, all in order to bring Xiao Xingchen back into his life.
This must end here. Everything will be like in the book, where the two esteemed Daozhangs kill the villainous scoundrel Xue Yang and set out for more adventures.
And everything was as it should be.
That's what Wei Wuxian said, that his spell would create the best version of reality, right? If the book created by the spell is any indication, the best version of reality is the one where Xue Yang gets the fuck out of Xiao Xingchen's life.
Xue Yang puts the backpack on and closes the door behind him.
…
The obviously rarely used, overgrown path he follows is descending most of the time, and Xue Yang finds himself half-walking, half-running, even though the forest around him is dim and hard to navigate. He ends up stumbling over old, gnarled roots, slipping on patches of wet moss and getting slashed by tree branches.
He should probably slow down, but he wants to be as far as possible from Cloud Recesses before – he is not sure what. He just knows he needs to get away.
He doesn't know how long he spends rushing through the twilight between the ancient looking trees with all sound drowned by the blood roaring in his ears, but at some point his stamina reaches its limit and he starts to lose his pace.
He remembers blundering like that, after Jin Guangyao's goons tried to kill him, stumbling half delirious through some woods until he fell down and couldn't move any longer. And then he was found and saved by none other than Xiao Xingchen.
The Daozhang nursed him back to health, and Xue Yang repaid him by causing him so much suffering that he ended his own life.
It swims into his view again, the vision of red blood on a white cloth, together with the deafening thud of a body hitting the dirty ground.
The anguish piercing Xue Yang's soul at the recollection isn't completely his.
"Doesn't this memory make you happy?" he calls out into the quiet rustling of branches in the wind, "isn't that what you wanted the whole time, to take revenge against him?"
In the near silence of the old forest, the echo of his words is strangely loud.
No, not like this! Never like this! The voice wails, for once not sounding disdainful but tormented.
Xue Yang is treated to memories of himself gently wiping all traces of blood from Xiao Xingchen's face and hands, and then trying every spell and talisman he could get his hands on to resurrect him. Every single one of these attempts failed because he had driven the dead Daozhang to such despair that his soul shattered into pieces.
Every time Xue Yang departed from Yi to search for more resurrection techniques, he left the Daozhang's body sealed in a straw-filled coffin.
When his past self shows him Xiao Xingchen's lifeless body in the coffin, the image looks familiar. Xue Yang realizes that he already got a glimpse of the memory when he accompanied Xiao Xingchen for his MRI scan. And the same thing must have happened to Xiao Xingchen, whose soul had been broken but it seems that he still kept some degree of awareness about what was happening with his body; no wonder he was so afraid of being inside the examination tunnel.
"You wanted him to live. What for?" Xue Yang asks, dimly aware that he has stopped walking.
His past self doesn't answer.
"What did you want from Xiao Xingchen?"
This question is followed by more silence. In lieu of words, there are more memories: Xue Yang watches his past self cry himself hoarse next to the motionless body, and then whisper Xiao Xingchen's name over and over. The answer to his question seems rather obvious.
"You wanted him to love you. As if he could! You're a monster," Xue Yang spits out.
Too right. And too bad for you, because you're me, or did you forget? His past self shoots back.
"Shut up! I'm not you!" Xue Yang shouts, covering his ears in a useless gesture.
Just like the Daozhang did when I taunted him.
Xue Yang falls down to his knees, finding himself on a bank of a mountain stream. The crystal clear water shows him a disheveled figure with a haunted look in wild, red-rimmed eyes and a bloody gash on one cheek.
Tell me one thing, friend. If you're not me, then why are you wearing my face? The voice asks him as the lips of the face reflected in the water stretch into a maniacal grin.
The last thing Xue Yang feels before his vision goes black is a sharp sting of pain caused by nails clawing at his face.
…
When Xue Yang regains consciousness, he is extremely confused. He finds out he's lying on a cold, muddy ground next to a gurgling mountain stream, immersed in the shadows of thickly growing deciduous trees. He slowly lifts himself to the sitting position, wincing as he does so. His whole body hurts as if someone has beaten him half to death. Moreover, his face is itching uncomfortably.
What the actual fuck?
Xue Yang raises his hand to the scratches on his face, wondering whether they have been caused by a collision with a tree branch or maybe an extremely angry squirrel.
What the hell did he do, get high in the wilderness or what!? He doesn't think he's ever seen this place in his life.
He finds his phone in his pocket, looks at the display and sees that he has several missed calls. Most of them are from someone he has saved as Little Starfish.
Xiao Xingchen. The pendulum. A wooden star left on the pile of money.
Xue Yang gasps for air as the flood of memories rushes into his mind.
Xiao Xingchen is too kind-hearted; Xue Yang should have expected him to worry, even for someone like him. He really should have left him a note.
He has also a few missed calls from Jin Guangyao and a message that says, 'where the fuck are you Chengmei? Answer your goddamn phone!'
With stiff fingers, he manages to type, 'on my way back to Yi. thank u for help. IOU' in response and is just about to hit the send button when there's a phone call incoming. It's from A-Qing.
He takes a couple of breaths to steady himself before he answers the call.
"Big Jerk? You okay? Your boyfriend called and said he can't reach you. Where the hell are you?" his sister rapid-fires at him.
"I'm fine," Xue Yang gets out with difficulty, well-aware he sounds anything but. "Just… had a rough night. We – found your teacher Song."
"Found him?!" A-Qing repeats in shock. "Is he okay?"
"Right now, not really. But gonna be, I think. Just… wanted to let you know," he forces out through his teeth.
"But where–" A-Qing starts to say on the other end of the line before he ends the call and switches on the quiet mode. His sister has Xiao Xingchen's number. She can address all her questions to him. It's not like Xue Yang is able to speak any longer.
He is stricken by an indescribable terror, the worst fear he has ever known. Not even when he was a child plagued by nightmares did he feel this scared.
He tries to remember what his mother used to say to him, when he crawled into his parents' bed in the middle of the night bawling like a baby.
You just have to imagine you're scarier than them, A-Yang. Imagine you're this big monster with a lot of teeth, and your nightmares will fear you, not the other way around.
He lies back on the cold muddy bank, completely exhausted, and laughs at the irony of it.
Xue Yang has always been something even nightmares would fear, didn't his mother know?
Of course not; had she known that, she wouldn't have made him blueberry pancakes and bought him cotton candy at festivals and kissed him good night. Or maybe she'd still have done all those things, because a mother's love might extend even towards a monster, but she wouldn't have trusted him with A-Qing.
Fuck, he killed his own sister.
He didn't know that before. Xiao Xingchen didn't know that either, because he died before A-Qing did.
She wasn't your sister then, you pathetic spoiled brat, the voice sneers in his head. Just a meddling bitch that needed a lesson in minding her fucking business.
Xue Yang wants to tell it to shut up but cannot, as his teeth are chattering. He puts his arms around himself in a vain attempt to warm himself up. He was in such a hurry to get out of the retreat that he didn't even bring a jacket. He realizes that eating something could help in this respect and forces down a Mars bar, even though he has zero appetite.
The shockingly sweet taste reminds him of the candies Xiao Xingchen used to buy for him in Yi. The last piece of it was in his pocket when he died, having become hard as a stone over the years.
He also remembers the first candy he ever tasted, which was given to him by that bastard Chang Cian. How incredible it felt, as if he was ascending to heavens. How he needed to get more of it, needed it more than anything else in the world. And he was promised he would get it if he ran an errand for Chang Cian, who not only failed to give him the reward in the end, but also let his ox cart run over his hand, crushing Xue Yang's little finger. From that day on, he dedicated his life to revenge.
He shakes this memory away.
"This happened hundreds of years ago. I'm not that person anymore," Xue Yang whispers as he sits up.
Keep telling yourself that. You are me and I am you.
Xue Yang does his best to tune the hateful singsong voice out, instead concentrating on what he has to do, which is getting out of these goddamn woods.
He gets up and immediately lets out a pained yelp; it seems that he has sprained his left ankle on top of everything else.
Fucking great.
He limps forward, putting one foot in front of another while trying not to shift much of his weight to the injured ankle, swearing and blinking out tears every time he fails, until, after what feels like an eternity of pained dragging, he reaches a set of rusty rail tracks overgrown with nettles and thistles.