Once a week, Hook flew his pirate ship out from Neverland and sailed across the sky into England. Concealed behind the clouds, he and his crew peered down at the streets with their telescopes and looked for lost children to rescue. As soon as they were brought on board, Hook wrapped them in blankets and promised them that their homeless days were over and that endless adventures in Neverland were about to begin, before treating them to a great vegetarian feast, as he no longer ate meat. Later he would deliver them to the Lost Boys, who accepted the rescued children as family.

The pirates hated Hook now. Nobody wanted to kill him more than Smee, who was still Hook's bottom bitch but no longer enjoyed any of the fruits of evil to make the position tolerable. No longer, on a whim, could Mr Smee sleep with fat prostitutes or blow up Indian camps on the horizon. Captain Hook had denounced all of these things. And now Smee's job was to be the one who, when flying over England, had to rappel down from the ship on a very, very long rope to collect homeless children and then carry them all the way back up. Smee had arthritis in his knees and a bad back so this caused him intense pain, and he hated his life now. All he did was mutter and swear, and whenever Hook wasn't looking, he hissed at any rescued homeless children on the ship and pinched them sharp enough to draw blood in places where Hook wouldn't notice.

On this night, that same aeroplane carrying Peter's wife was preparing to touch down in London, with Peter flying close behind it, unaware of Hook's ship just out of sight above the clouds. There was a rope suspended from the ship but this was hard to see in the dark – and all the way down in the streets, Smee was picking up a homeless child. He took his bitterness with Hook out on these children in his methods – he was supposed to coax them gently onto the ship with those promises of a better life and endless adventure, but terrorized them instead before bullying them into silence and then simply kidnapping them against their will. Hook never had any idea.

"Filthy, dirty thing you are," Smee told the child, who was shivering up against an alleyway wall. The child was so cold, or terrified, that his teeth were chattering. Oddly for a homeless child his teeth were perfectly white and healthy. Noticing them, Smee grew rather jealous – his own teeth were mostly false or rotting – so he drew his dagger, pointing with it's wicked, glinting tip at the child. "Know what scurvy is?"

Forty minutes later Smee emerged over the edge of the ship, red faced and breathless. Thirty eight of those minutes had been spent climbing the rope. The child was clutching onto Smee's back for dear life, like a human rucksack, and Smee was so exhausted that he had no energy to properly clamber over and simply heaved himself onto the deck, trying to roll about and land upon the child for comfort. He did not have the energy and instead landed on his own chin.

Dizzy from pain and lack of energy, when Smee opened his eyes, he saw the shining, black boot of his captain. He asked gravely, "Mr Smee, what are you doing on the floor?"

In this instant, Smee dreamed of revolt. He knew that if he drew his dagger and sunk it slyly in Hook's stomach as he rose, the whole crew would cheer his name. All he needed to do was find the courage to improve his and everyone's lives forever. "Just a bit knackered really, captain. Sorry."

Using his iron claw, Hook hoisted Smee up by his shirt and put him right on his feet. Smee had not been ready for this – he needed to psyche himself up for the severe pain it brought to his knees – and winced in pain through gritted teeth. Hook had a thick blanket readily tucked beneath his arm and a plate of sandwiches, but they were not for Smee. He looked left and right in a disappointed confusion. "And where is the child?"

Smee did not know or care. But he happened to spot a little leg disappearing behind a barrel, and his lifetime of bottom bitch instincts kicked in. "Th-There it goes, captain! Getting away behind the barrel!" Without really thinking Smee drew for his pistol, fumbling with it in his old shaky hands. This was what would have been required of him in the old days. "I'll blast that dirty runt to pixie hell!"

Hook clobbered Smee with a blunt side of his claw, disarming him, and then crossed over to the push the barrel aside. In spite of his towering form and monstrous hook and air of terrible importance, he glowed with nothing but kindness and goodwill for mankind as he opened his arms and looked down dearly upon the little boy. "Haha! There's no need to hide from Captain Hook, son. Just as my bosun explained, your days of fear and hunger are over. A new life of happiness and adventure awaits! Oh yes, good form, good form!"

The child remained shivering and curled up and did not say anything. Coming over with concern, Hook bent closer, and bettered his vision with a monocle from his breast pocket. "I say Mr Smee, why is this dear boys mouth covered in blood? Where are his teeth?"

Possibly concussed, and on the floor again, Smee could barely formulate a response. "Dunno, captain… that's what he was like when I found him." Then Mr Smee passed out.

He did not know how long he was out, but when he came to – still on the floor – the sky was pink and the stars were strange, and he knew they were on their way back to Neverland. Nobody was out on the deck except for a seagull pecking around on the floorboards, which he snarled at to make himself feel better, but the seagull wasn't frightened. So Smee shot it with his pistol, and then took the bloody mess and began eating it raw as he leaned over the deck, gazing down at the galaxy ocean and nursing his head which was still very sore.

There came the confident stride of Hook's boots behind him, and then the captain was stood besides him. Instead of a hook he had some dinnerware installed, a great corn holder, and he was eating a delicious looking golden corn on the cob, dripping with butter. "Good evening, Mr Smee."

"All right, captain?"

"Yes," Hook responded sincerely. There was a silent moment between them, but it felt awkward and not comfortable, not like the one between friends. Not like how it used to be. Whenever Hook approached Smee nowadays, Smee felt like he was being approached by a manager in the workplace, a cunt one who needed to be slaughtered. Eventually Hook said, "you gouged all the teeth out from that child's mouth, Mr Smee. Is this not so?"

Smee fidgeted on his feet. "Well… ehhh… I don't remember."

Hook sighed a great, noble and dignified sigh. "It is okay, Mr Smee. You are forgiven. I shall forgive you an infinite amount of times because I, too, was once evil." Smee was enormously relieved. But it seemed he wasn't free yet, because Hook went on directly, "I have a task for you, Mr Smee. Do you remember my old enemy, Peter Pan? My scouts report that his children have gone missing. I wish to rescue and return them to him as a gesture of goodwill. Find them, Mr Smee."

Smee wasn't really bothered for this. "Where are they, then?"

"It is a mystery. But in using all of your limited mental resources to locate the tots, I believe you shall learn empathy and become a better man," Hook said. Then he lifted Smee by his lapels and lowered him into a row boat. "Good journey, Mr Smee!"

"Now wait a minute captain, I'm not really-"

But it was too late. With a mighty push from his boot, Hook sent the row boat flying overboard. Smee fell through space in the fast careening row boat and was so terrified for his life, and for the consequences of disobeying his master, that he took the oars and began working them at impossible speeds so that he flew through space back towards Earth. This was a power of being a bottom bitch and the only privilege Mr Smee had left in his pathetic position. He had no idea where to start looking, so he sailed towards London, and the orphanage where Wendy lived – Pan's old friend, who Smee supposed he could torture for information.