**A great big round of applause to SimoneSnickers for being such a dependable and excellent Beta!**
(Peeta POV)
Katniss' quiet little feet march determinedly away from the party and I stumble along in the dark after her.
"Katniss," I call out as she gets farther away. It's dark and I'm having some trouble not tripping over rocks and debris strewn along the ground.
She doesn't slow down, I think in fact she actually speeds up. I grumble but keep after her.
"Katniss-" I call out again, right before my toe catches on the edge of something hard and immovable. There's a thick sounding thunk before I realize I stubbed my toe pretty hard on the upraised lip of one of the train tracks crisscrossing the open expanse between here and the back alleys leading back into the outskirts town. Pain jolts through my foot and up my body.
"Shit!" I swear and stop to hop up and down on one foot. Why is it that toes are some of the worst places to get accidentally injured on?
At this I see her turn around and look back at me.
"Oh, don't worry about me," I tell her with a falsely bright voice, "I'll just hobble back with what's left of my clumsy self." I mutter the last part quietly.
But it seems she hears me anyway.
"I told you before this whole shit show started that I wasn't going to carry you back to the bakery Mellark." She says with a huff of impatience as she walks back towards me.
So I guess we're back to last names again. Just great. I grimace when I put my leg down and try to put my weight on my foot. I'm definitely still going to feel that in the morning.
"Can you put your weight on it?" She asks, in a clearly frustrated tone, but there is a hint of concern in her voice. Only a hint. So I'm a little annoyed too. It's not like I hit the track on purpose. And if I hadn't been trying to catch up with her as she tried to sprint away in the near pitch black darkness, I probably would've seen the tracks.
"Yeah it's fine." I say and straighten my leg out, ignoring the twinge of pain that comes with putting my weight on it. I put most of my weight on my uninjured foot instead, as I walk. I'm limping a little, but it's not too bad.
"It doesn't look fine." She comments unconvinced. I grimace.
"Looks can be deceiving. Come on, I know you want to get home." I tell her, as I keep walking.
"Peeta, you don't have to walk me all the way back to the Village. Especially not with your foot hurting." She says with a wince as she studies my uneven gait.
I shake my head. I was walking her home even if my foot turned back and blue tomorrow. I start walking faster to prove my point.
"I'm alright. Let's go, Everdeen. Just take us horribly maimed folks into consideration when you set the pace." I joke.
She looks over, laughter in her eyes as she lets out a little scoff. But she sets a moderately slow pace. We pass the open expanse of tracks and abandoned boxcars, and reach the nearest outbuilding. The pain in my foot eases somewhat.
I steal a glance at her and see she's worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. It gave me mixed feelings. First off, I felt upset on her behalf because of how everything went down. Gale had really aired a lot of dirty laundry tonight and I was sure Katniss was still pissed about it. Secondly, he had specifically outed me and my feelings for Katniss in front of everyone, including Katniss herself. I didn't know where we stood. Or if she even still wanted to be friends.
"Katniss, look-about what Gale said earlier-" I tried to open the topic up diplomatically.
"Shut up Peeta, don't talk right now." She snapped and I balked. She looks away from me in the direction of town, and I think she just wants to get home so she never has to see me or my inconvenient feelings ever again. I couldn't let that happen. Even if she felt nothing romantic towards me, we could still be friends. So I pressed on.
"We're going to have to talk eventually, this isn't something we can just ignore-" I insisted, not wanting to leave things unresolved. She still won't look at me. I open my mouth to try again, but she cuts me off.
"Shut UP!" She whispers/hisses at me as she covers my mouth with her hand.
Then she pushes me against the side of the building with her body, cornering me and herself into a dark little alcove. It's such a tight fit for the both of us that I'm almost wearing her like a second skin. I focus on trying to breathe. My heart is racing, my mind is confused. I wonder if this is her really aggressive way of letting me know she likes me too, but the next minute I hear voices, and then the telltale bright white of Peacekeeper LED flashlights, illuminating the dark path we had just been on.
"Are we gonna arrest any of them?" One of the Peacekeepers asks his partner.
"Cray said to round up as many as we can and throw them in the drunk tank if we catch them with booze." The other says.
"Yeah, but they're just kids." The first one argues.
"Cray's looking to pad his record a little this year. Guess that means pretending to crack down on the local hooligans. Twelve's been pretty quiet since the last Games. He's worried it looks like he's just sitting on his ass out here."
"He is though."
"Yeah, well, he doesn't want the Capitol to know that. So, just make a bunch of noise and shine your light high so most of them get a head start."
"Fuck, Jones, I don't want to chase stupid kids!"
"Alright then, don't flash your light. Catch as many as you can. And then you'll have to deal with more fucking paperwork." Jones, apparently, replies without much argument.
"Aw hell, let's just get this over with." The partner replies.
"Alright." Jones agrees unconcerned.
The voices and the lights recede. I try to ask a question once I think they are far enough away, but Katniss clamps her hand over my mouth harder and just lets out a low but forceful, "Shhhh," right next to my ear. I'm starting to sweat because I don't know how much longer I can take being pressed up against her like this. I'm nervous about being caught and at the same time my body is getting really turned on by her proximity. I can literally feel her breasts rising and falling against my chest with each deep breath she takes, and one of her legs is sandwiched in between the two of mine, and her hips...dear heaven her hips are digging into me just slightly. I fight the rush of blood to my groin. I turn my face away from her, and breathe quietly through my mouth to lessen the effect of her intoxicating scent. But some of the wispy hairs around her braid have come loose and are ticking my cheek and neck. This is torture.
And that asshole, Gale, was right. All I want to do right now, all I have wanted to do since she came downstairs in that form fitting little green jumpsuit that compliments her olive skin and makes her ass look like a delectable piece of gourmet dessert, is kiss her senseless.
I want to kiss her so bad I can hardly breathe.
Slowly she lowers her hand, but instead of pulling away it falls to the middle of my chest. I felt my breath hitch and I chanced a look at her face. She's not even looking at me; she's looking in the direction the Peacekeepers went. But I can see her in perfect profile.
Her inky dark black hair covers the top of her ear, but the fleshy little lobe peeks out, just begging me to kiss and take it in my mouth to worship and nibble at. The column of her neck is straight and elegant, beautiful, with the faint scars that pepper her cheek and run like barely visible jagged swirls under her ear and back beneath her hair, where the infernal mutt's teeth sank in and pulled at her precious skin. I want to kiss each and every one of those scars. I want to run my lips over them and tell her in between kisses how beautiful she is. Her little nose sits straight and perky, always at odds with her scowling precious lips. And her dark lashes, they spread out thick and with just the slightest bit of upwards curl. I love her bare face, honest and clean without makeup or enhancements. I want to drag my mouth over the lines of jagged scars on her neck and behind her ear. I want to trace their perilous paths with my tongue. I want her to look at me, but I'm also scared shitless she'll see everything I'm thinking the second she does.
It's a very confusing moment for me.
Then she actually does look at me and I can tell she's caught me staring. I'm suddenly grateful for the near darkness, hoping that it hides the splotchy blush creeping up my neck and cheeks no doubt.
"We should wait until they leave, or else we run the risk of running into them again when they make their way back into town." She says.
I bite my lip. I don't know if I can survive another second entangled with her like this before it becomes very very clear how accurate Gale's assessment of my feelings for her are. Popping a boner before our first date, hell, before she even heard it from my own mouth that I liked her as more than a friend would be one of the worst things to do. And yet, my traitorous body seemed hell bent on wrecking any shot I had of escaping this situation with my dignity intact.
"Can't we just go another route?" I asked in a pleading voice, anything to get out of here.
"No. We just take the risk of running into other patrols on different paths. If we stick to this one, we at least will know there won't be any more chance of a run in, since the Peacekeepers assigned to this section will be busy hauling people down to the Justice Building." She says, looking back towards the party again. There's the sound of commotion now, people shouting in surprise, fleeing in haste.
"Can we find somewhere else to hide? This is a little close for comfort." I finally say, hoping she doesn't get offended.
It's only when she looks back at me, into my eyes, that she seems to notice how close we actually are. Awareness runs through her body like a thunderbolt, and she immediately steps back, jumps really, but she almost falls over. I reach out a hand and grab the edge of her jumpsuit, to steady her. Her grey eyes are wide, shocked and embarrassed. But then there's the sound of feet running and people yelling. I only have a second to react. I'm just going on instinct. My mind is so filled with worry that someone will spot her, spot us both, and we'll be hauled off like the others. My friends, I'm worried about them too, Delly and Sorren especially. I hope they had a chance to get away.
These thoughts run through my mind at light speed, and I have barely formed the coherent idea before I'm tugging her back, quickly, roughly against my chest and wrapping her in my arms to protect her. All I want is to keep her safe, to keep her near. She lets out a tiny surprised sound, a breathy 'oof', as I crush her against me.
And I'm lost in the sensation of how right she feels in my arms, when the shuffle of heavy boots and loud cursing makes its way back towards us.
I try to press us as far into the dark corner as I can, and surprisingly, she doesn't resist, even though it means molding herself against me entirely. There are sounds of a struggle, and some cursing. We both tense hearing the voices so close and their lights almost falling on our dark alcove. But eventually the Peacekeepers seem to subdue their subjects and everyone stops struggling.
"What the hell is this?" I hear Dalton's slurred voice say from a few feet away.
"You're being detained for the crime of underage intoxication young man." I hear a stern Peacekeeper voice explain tiredly, the one called Jones I think.
"We've been coming out here for years! You guys have never bothered us before!" Dalton argues and I inwardly groan. He must be really drunk to try and argue with a Peacekeeper.
"Dalton! Shut the fuck up!" Another voice, Henson Ethers, I think, commands loudly. Henson was always the more level headed of the two, although that's not saying much. Both guys are notorious party goers and mischief makers.
"Might want to listen to your friend, the more you confess, the more we'll have to charge you with kid." The other Peacekeeper says in a quietly amused tone.
"Shit. My mom's gonna kill me." Dalton groans and the Peacekeepers chuckle, as their voices recede into the night.
We wait a few breaths for the sound of their footsteps to get softer. Then the tension in Katniss' body eases. Which is both good and bad.
On the one hand, she relaxes. On the other hand, she relaxes...against me. Her groin is pretty much flush with mine. Her chest pressed into mine. And my body is done trying to fight this losing battle. An undeniable monster of a hard on rapidly expands in my jeans and I bite my lip against the groan that punctuates how uncomfortable it feels. And how momentarily good as well, pressed up against her. I quickly slip out of the corner, brushing past her hastily before my incontrovertible erection can rub against her thigh for more than a second. I've never been so thankful to be wearing denim, knowing that the thick sturdy material helped to reign in the appendage that had a mind of its own. I had almost considered putting on some khakis tonight, but in hindsight that would have been a total disaster. Thin material was the enemy of uncontrollable teenage reactions. I just hoped Katniss wasn't disgusted with me.
When I snuck a glance at her she seemed confused, her brows pulled together and her forehead wrinkled slightly.
I knew my face was probably redder than the rhubarb pie we sometimes sold at the bakery when she collected the main ingredient in the summer from the wild and sold it to my father.
"We should go Katniss." I tell her hastily, keeping my body angled away from her.
She doesn't reply, merely stares at me. And I curse myself for lack of control, for being so weak and desperate for her. I feel like an idiot and I'm sure she's going to call me vile and a pig, but instead she just nods her head and starts walking back in the direction of town.
With a sigh of relief, I fell into step behind her, giving my body come much needed time and distance to calm down.
We don't speak as we make our way back into town. My silence is one born of utter mortification, but she seems to be lost deep in thought. Still, she keeps an eye out for patrols. We've just passed the gate to the Victor's Village when I can't stand it anymore.
"Are you ever going to speak to me again?" I blurt out, turning to her, frantically searching her face for any hint that this might be salvageable.
She gives me the same perplexed look as before, eyebrows drawn, forehead crinkled.
"Why would I stop speaking to you?"
"You know, because of what Gale said."
"Oh, that. Gale was drunk, Peeta, and angry. He always says things he doesn't mean when he gets mad. And he made a lot of incorrect assumptions." She says with a frown, and she looks back at the path we just came down. She's no doubt wondering what happened to him. Maybe she regrets their fight. Maybe she wants to make up. I study her face, but beyond a look of concern and contemplation, I can't really read her. I'm afraid to bring up my bodily reaction to her against the building. I'm afraid to say a lot of things. I could take the out that she's giving me. I could let her believe that it was all just some jealous drunken theory that Gale made up. But I felt the weight of my brother's letter pressing down on me like lead in my jeans pocket.
Don't be a pussy. Isn't that what Lev had said? Of course he really meant don't be a coward, but Lev always got things across in his own crass way.
"Yeah, well. Maybe not all of his theories are incorrect." I say quietly and she turns back to face me with such a wounded look in her eyes. It's so deep that I almost gasp. Then I wince. Ok, so maybe she was more than a little upset with me. I just needed her to let me apologize, and explain.
"K-Katniss?" I ask and she looks down at her shoes. I reach out a hand, it barely brushes her shoulder when she pulls back, like I've burned her. Damn it. I think.
"Katniss, I'm sorry, I never meant to-" I start off.
"It's fine. You're right. About him being right. God, I hate it when he's right. Maybe I really do have ice water in my veins." She says on a gasp, and now it's my turn to look confused.
"What are we talking about?" I ask, and she faces me with a scornful disbelieving look.
"About how I screw up all my friendships. About how I'm a heartless, ungrateful mess." She replies, voice warbling, eyes shiny. But after taking a deep breath her chin stops quivering. It's strangely astounding, watching her get a hold of her emotions. I have no idea how she just reigns everything back in, through sheer force of will.
It must be unhealthy, to keep all those feelings bottled up inside. And suddenly my confession doesn't seem life altering or pertinent. Suddenly all that matters is that Katniss Everdeen misses the tall, dark and brooding Hawthorne and needs someone to let her cry about it. And I really don't want to hear how much she misses him or why she's crying over him when she's the type of girl who never cries about anything. But I'm her friend first. I tell myself this so that I remember it.
"Do you miss him?" I ask cautiously. Her head whips around towards me, her eyes angry and incredulous in the near dark.
"What kind of question is that?"
"A very telling one." I answer. I don't think I'm ready to hear her say it even though I know the answer before she gives it.
She struggles for a moment, as if at war with herself. Her shoulders are rigid again, her lips pressed into a line. But her eyes are teary, bright and wounded. The sight of her pain twists the fleshy lump of tissue in my chest that pumps blood throughout my body into a bruised and tangled up mess.
"Of course I miss him. He was my best friend." She finally answers, in a giant whoosh of air, like she's letting the words escape along with the carbon dioxide leaving her body.
I nod slowly. I expected as much.
"Then he's wrong. About you. You're not cold Katniss. Not if you miss your friend. You're just careful. It's understandable, after everything. I think what's bothering Gale more than you, um, showing up to a party with someone he doesn't know, is that you seem to be making new friends and socializing so easily."
She cocks her head quizzically at me, like I'm speaking gibberish. I repress a sigh.
"But I'm not. I mean, I just met those people. And no offense, Peeta, I know they're your friends, but I don't know them well enough to consider them my friends. The only new friend I've made is you and even that was…"
"Like pulling teeth." I finished for her. She frowns that adorable frown of hers at me and my stomach does somersaults.
"I was going to say it was difficult, but thanks for that." She mutters.
"I'm just kidding, Katniss." I told her.
She gives me an exasperated look. I bite my lip to keep from smiling.
"You always do that." She says, looking at me. Grey eyes in the dark. So dark and full of mystery.
"Do what?" I ask, intrigued about whatever habits of mine she's already picked up on.
"I don't know, turn things around. Make things lighter, less-heavy and awful." She says with a one shouldered shrug. I smile at her.
"Well, that's what friends do, Katniss, or at least try to do." I replied.
"Is it? I don't know if that's accurate. I haven't really spoken to Gale since...since everything happened, much less tried to cheer him up or anything. And we were best friends." She says quietly, almost ashamed.
"Oh. You mean you haven't talked since he said you broke his nose?" I ask as delicately as I can. I had already heard the tale from her mother and Prim, but since Gale brought it up tonight I figured there was no point in holding back on the question. It was obvious whatever issues they had stemmed from that particular incident.
"Yeah." She answers blandly. I almost sigh at her reticence.
"He must have done something really awful, or stupid to get on your bad side. I know from experience." I prod jokingly.
She flushes a little, embarrassed probably thinking back to when she pushed me and I fell onto the shattered vase in the Justice Hall. But I give her a smile to let her know I'm kidding.
"No, it wasn't that awful. I mean, looking back I guess I can kind of see where it all got a little confusing. He thought I...wanted the same things he did. More than friendship. So he kind of surprised me. At least it was a surprise for me, but really I guess he tried to give me some indication of his intentions beforehand. But I've never really handled hints or surprises all that well. After the Games, it just got worse. I just wanted things to go back to normal, so badly. And Gale...he wanted things to change. I didn't know what to do with that."
"So?" I encourage her to go one and she huffs for only a second before continuing.
"So I got upset, and hit him, then he got upset. We kind of yelled at each other for a while before my mom fixed his nose. Then he went home, still mad. And we stopped speaking." She concludes. I pondered the story for a minute. It says a lot about both of them actually. And it made me think about what Gale had said about growing frustrated holding back his feelings for her. No doubt that had been difficult. If anyone could empathize it was me. On the other hand though….
"Well, no one can force you to feel things you don't. Love doesn't work that way." I finally told her in a calm voice. She whips her head away from the direction if the train tracks and glares back at me.
"Love? I don't know if love had anything to do with it. When I asked him why...he said it was because we belonged together, like it was a foregone conclusion. Like I was crazy for not realizing it, or not accepting it." She spits out the words like they taste foul on her tongue. I gulp at her intense reaction. Ok, so she doesn't respond well to other people trying to pressure her or nudge her along.
"Ah. That's what you meant when you referenced the real reason why you stopped being friends." I surmise and mention it to her. She nods vehemently.
"Yes! I'd spent months after the Games being who they wanted me to be, the smiling grateful Victor, wearing the clothes they picked out for me, the make up, and the uncomfortable shoes, regurgitating the speeches they wrote." She makes a face. She looks so disdainful, almost repulsed by the memories. Then she continues.
"And I was tired. Exhausted, trying to live up to their demands. All I wanted to do was go home and try to pick up the pieces of my old life. And when Gale spoke to me the way he did...like-like it was just another thing expected of me-I don't know. I snapped. I hurt him...in more ways than one. I thought he was still pissed at me for turning him down, and for breaking his nose. I had no idea he actually…" She trails off, wringing her hands again in that familiar way I've come to know means she's deeply affected by something.
"You didn't know he was in love with you." I finished for her. And she nodded numbly. I sighed.
"Well, if he had said it differently, do you think you would have reacted differently?" I throw it out there...just in case. She frowns.
"I don't know. I care about Gale, I really do. But…..none of this is anything I've ever wanted." She replies, still frowning. She crosses her arms over her chest, defensively.
I wonder at the last statement. I wonder about her wording. It could be that I've had it wrong all this time. And Katniss Everdeen has no interest in either Gale or any other guy for that matter, including myself. I try to keep my face neutral when I ask the next question.
"Oh, do you mean you want something different, like, not guys? Would you prefer um...women?" I ask as gently as I can. Her face contorts in shock and confusion.
"What?! Why would you think that?" She barks out and I wonder for a moment if she'll wake up her family in her house.
"Oh! Sorry I brought it up. It's none of my business. I just...from what you said I thought-" I try to keep my voice down, while apologizing. But she cuts me off in that spectacularly frustrating way of hers.
"No. Why are you the second person to suggest that to me today?" She asks in bewilderment. Thankfully she has lowered her voice though.
"Uh what? Well, now you've got to tell me more. Who was the first if you don't mind me asking?" I ask worriedly.
"Haymitch. Although he wasn't really suggesting. He was more...I don't know. He mentioned it along with his instructions on what to do to keep myself distracted during the Games this year. You know, the whole, go to a party and have fun, dance, kiss a boy...or girl. He said it didn't matter, as long as I did something other than mope around." She says sullenly.
"Oh, well um I think he's right. It doesn't matter, as long as you're happy." I say, even though in my heart I know it will crush some part of me, to find out she may not even be attracted to men at all. Her brow is crinkled in confusion again. She looks into my eyes and I give her my most sincere look of acceptance. Because even though it will hurt like hell personally, I would never blame her for my hurt feelings. She deserved to be happy like Haymitch said, no matter who she was attracted to. A flash of understanding comes across her face and she blanches. Then the next second she laughs, long and low. Now it's my turn to feel flustered and confused.
"Peeta. I'm not attracted to women." She says after her chuckles die away. "Seriously, what gave you that impression?" She continues. I scratch the back of my head, trying to find a way to explain how my ideas went in that direction.
"Well, Gale is-" I cough embarrassedly, "considered by a lot of girls to be one of the best looking guys in the district, and if you don't even find him or Finnick Odair attractive then maybe-"
"That's your hypothesis?" She scoffs, "I do have eyes, Peeta. I know Gale's attractive. And Finnick Odair, well I think even blind women are probably attracted to that man. But what's the point of getting all swoony over someone's looks?" She says with another air of contempt. And I find myself taken aback by her outlook. Was she really trying to say beauty and sexual attraction were beneath her? Or something like that?
"I guess I've just never seen you interested in spending time with anyone, except Gale. Everyone thought you and he were kind of together back before the Games." I finally say.
"No, it wasn't like that with us. We were always hunting partners. Then friends. At least for me, that's how it felt. There were always more important things to worry about than...which boys were handsome or whatnot. I had my sister to take care of. I had to hunt and trade and keep us all alive. And then I had the Games, and everything that happened afterwards. There really hasn't been any room for anything else." She replies.
"That sounds like what Gale said." I tell her with a tilt of my head, thoughtfully.
"Gale's an idiot." She mutters.
"Well, yeah, but he was your only other friend besides Madge for...six years was it?" I ask and she huffs in annoyance.
"Yeah." She admits. I hum in contemplation for a second, gathering the right words and tone for what I'm about to say next.
"That's a lot of friendship to throw away because of one disagreement." I say and her eyes widen for a brief stretch before narrowing.
"He never said he was sorry for springing the kiss on me." She counters angrily.
I let out a low whistle. So he kissed her. And then he never even said he was sorry. Well, he certainly hadn't tried very hard to undo the damage.
"Did you ever apologize for breaking his nose?" I counter and she bristles for a second. Then her eyes sparkled a little mischievously.
"No." She admits, but it's with a self-indulgent smirk. I can't help but smile a little in response to her answer myself.
"Ok, so last question. If Gale can get over it and...stop you know, acting so wounded, do you think you and he would have a real shot at being friends again? Assuming he remembers you're the type of girl who can't be coerced into a relationship of course." I ask and wait for her answer breathlessly.
She laughs. Then pauses. She looks back over towards the direction of the tracks.
"I...think so." She confesses in a near whisper.
"You think so? Or you hope so?" I press her.
"I hope so. Gale's...intense but he's a good hunting partner. And those are seriously hard to come by." She says practically but I see the spark of hope in her eyes.
"Well, then it looks like you've got a decision to make about whether to try and speak to him about this. Because I think I can tell you how Gale feels right now. He's hurt and upset and he doesn't know that you still want to be friends. He thinks you've written him off. He probably thinks you're disgusted with his feeble attempt to woo you. And he thinks you've...moved on and forgotten about him."
"How do you know all that?"
"Simple. I just try to put myself in his shoes." It's ridiculous how easy it is for me to put myself in his shoes. I mean I'd like to think I wouldn't be as stubborn though.
"Empathy really isn't my strong suit," She says as she shakes her head dejectedly.
"I think you're plenty empathetic. I just think certain feelings scare you, and make you shut down." I say reassuringly.
"Like what?" She asks skeptically.
"Well, anything new and um...unexpected." I tell her honestly, not even wanting to mention her initial reaction when I brought up love earlier in conversation.
"That makes me a coward doesn't it?" She asks, sounding crestfallen. I shake my head.
"No, not at all. It makes you human, Katniss." I tell her honestly.
She blinks up at me, and suddenly there are tears spilling over her eyes. I'm stupefied by this.
"Hey, hey, I didn't mean to make you cry!" I say, astonished at the turn the conversation has taken.
"Sorry. It's just- no one has ever put it quite like that. And I-sometimes I don't even understand myself but you-you make it so….easy. Peeta, you're- I- I don't get you. But you seem to understand me and everyone else so easily. I don't know anyone like you."
"Is that your subtle way of telling me I'm a weirdo?" I ask with a self deprecating laugh.
She shakes her head as she bites her lip to stave off a laugh, her almond eyes scrunching in amusement, another tear spills down her right cheek and I absentmindedly reach out and brush the tear away and she stills. Her grey eyed gaze locks with mine. I pause.
This is a moment right here. I can feel it in the way she stares at me. I swallow nervously but don't pull my hand away. She blinks once, twice. I exhale.
"Peeta?" My name is a question on her lips.
I look straight at her as I brush my thumb across her cheek, gently, all along her delicate scars. She sucks in a breath.
"Maybe Gale isn't as big of an idiot as he seems." I offer, and her eyes grow large. I wait for her reaction. She doesn't say anything. I'm dissapointed but but surprised. Learning from Gale's mistakes, I pull back, and clear my throat.
Here it is. The moment of decision. I could make a joke and brush it under the rug. She'd laugh and forget this moment. But how many times did Gale do that with her? From the way he was talking he lived with his unrequited feelings for some time. I doubt it was for as long as I've been living with them, but still. Katniss had refused to see him as anything more because he was so permanently etched in her mind as her best friend and nothing more. And now I had the sneaking feeling that history was trying to repeat itself. The only thing I could do to prevent me from taking his place and pining away quietly for her as he had done was to come out with the truth. It didn't guarantee that she'd feel the same way. Obviously. We barely knew each other. And I was taking the chance that she's reject me entirely. But...if I didn't say something it was almost a given that she'd write me off here and now. I felt my fingers almost unconsciously reach for the letter. It was almost like a personal talisman at this point. A token of my own to remind me to have courage, like Leaven once had. He had faced death with as much bravery as he could, confessing a 12 year crush was nothing compared to what my brother did.
I took a deep breath.
"I meant what I said Katniss. I-won't obligate you for anything more than friendship. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit he was right about the way I was looking at you." I say with absolute seriousness.
"He was right?" She asks incredulously. And suddenly I think I know where some of Gale's misplaced frustration was coming from. How could she be so oblivious to the effect she had? It was endearing. It was also maddening. And I wanted so badly to kiss her to prove just how much I wanted her. But I knew she wouldn't appreciate that. Much less know how to respond to it, since she hadn't even considered the possibility that I was attracted to her before now. That much was clear by the wide eyed look she was giving me.
"I don't want to overwhelm you. But I don't want to lie to you either." I ultimately say, leaving the ball in her court.
"I-Wha? How? No, wait...since when?" She asks and I take a deep breath.
"Do you really want to know?" I ask.
"Yes, I do. Why? Is that so weird to want to know?" Her voice is nervous but her eyes are boring into me, seriously.
"No. It's just-I don't want to overwhelm you, like I said." I reiterate.
"Peeta, just tell me the truth." She requests huffily. I nod.
"Ok, since the first day of kindergarten actually." I say and her eyes grow so wide it's almost comical. "I told you I didn't want to freak you out." I remind her and she blinks and tries to school herself into a more neutral expression. I chuckle nervously.
"No, it's not that. I just-how is that even possible?" She asks, bewildered.
I take a deep breath and start my story. I told her all about that first day, leaving nothing out; not my father's admission that he wanted to marry her mother, her dress, her braids, not even the bruises I had gotten the day before and why I fell asleep in class. I tell her about how her voice captivated me. I told her I watched her walk home everyday after that.
"Everyday." I repeat and watch her expression. She looks amazed. But there's a hint of something, she has a slight smile on. I'm shy. And my heart kicks into a racing staccato rhythm. But then she frowns.
"Wait, why...why didn't you ever say anything? I mean, aside from the bread...we never even spoke or interacted. Was that what you were trying to say...when you gave me the bread?" She asks, confusion written deeply into her features. I sigh again. I thought if I ever got up the nerve to discuss this with her that she would probably ask this.
"No, no. The bread thing, Katniss, that was just the right thing to do. I couldn't just stand by and do nothing. Especially not when it was you who needed help. So, no, the bread thing wasn't a secret declaration. It was just me trying not to be a worthless human being. The rest of it… not talking to you...that was because I was too chicken shit. No, really." I add, when she looks at me skeptically.
"I know what it cost you Peeta." She whispers and her eyes dart to my cheek, as if she can see a phantom bruise still lingering. I wince in memory of the same thing. I let out a deep breath.
"I could never have left you like that." I disclose and shake my head, remembering the gruesome sigh. Her rail thin body, sunken eyes, and defeated posture. No. I never could have turned away from that, especially not when it was her that needed me.
She's quiet for a second, her eyes searching mine. I don't know exactly what she's searching for, but I let her look. I don't hide anything from her gaze.
"So for...what 11 or 12 years you just kept it to yourself? What changed so suddenly? Was it because I went into the Games? Or that I won?" She's studying me intently now. And I shake my head. My palms are sweating. I knew finally saying all this would be nerve wracking. I just didn't know exactly how nerve wracking it was. I felt like my heart might beat right out of my chest.
"None of that actually. It was something that happened just recently. A few days ago in fact…" I reached into my jean pocket and pulled out Lev's letter with a shaking hand.
"Haymitch gave this to me the night I brought you home from the bakery. The night before the Reaping. It's-it's from my brother. From Lev." I explained.
"WHAT?" She exclaimed, flabbergasted.
"He wrote it, apparently before the arena. And asked Haymitch to save it for me. For one whole year. You can read it if you want. It will probably explain a few things better than I can." I tell her, holding it out to her precariously. She looks down at my offered hand like it's something foreign but fragile.
"Are you sure?" She whispers. I nod.
"Yeah, just um…"
She nods back to me, seeming to understand what I was going to say before I even had to ask. Her hands are extremely careful when she takes the letter.
Then she took a deep breath and opened the envelope.
****Ok, so I'm going to add to explain why Peeta feels its better to tell Katniss now rather than later for anyone who maybe surprised with the pacing of the story. I know its supposed to be a slow burn but for the purposes of the storyline Peeta is going to be honest about his feelings from the get go here. So as not to get friend zoned like Gale. Peeta's a sweetheart but he's also a clever boy and just from the few interactions he's had with Katniss he figures out that she prefers honesty and hates change. So he decides to get the confession out of the way now, like ripping off a bandaid. Anyway...the next chapter will be Katniss POV and will deal with how she feels after finding out about Peeta's crush. Please tell me all your juicy thoughts in the comments!****