Quick Disclaimer: This chapter was written by my sleep paralysis demons, don't take it seriously please.
I woke up to my Racing Into The Night iPhone remix ringtone, the xylophone reverberating in my pitch-black room. I groaned as I felt around for my phone, it was somewhere on the floor. How it got there, I have no clue. Falling out of my bed in the process, I was able to acquire my phone, answer it, and put it to my ear.
Stage 1 Completed!
"Hello?" I croak. .
"Yahallo Hachiman!" 40db of pure power and energy blasted out of my phone speaker.
"Kaori."
"Guess who called me?" She said way too excitedly.
"Yukinoshita."
The grogginess of the morning was preventing me from making any eloquent or witty remarks.
"How did you know!?"
I think she's feeding me power. Perhaps I have photosynthesis but instead of sunlight I absorb Kaori's energy.
"You get way too excited when you get a call from Yukinoshita." I replied.
"Tee hee~"
"Is that all? I want to go back to sleep." I said, trying desperately to crawl back into my bed from the floor.
"Nope! She called because the Service Club needed to do something and she wanted me to drag you to school on a Saturday."
Conniving, sadistic women they are. I bet Hiratsuka-sensei was the instigator. First they used Komachi to get to me, now they're using Kaori? What's next? They steal Lena-san from me too?!
"Then drag me. I'm not moving from my bed manually."
"Bet." Then she ended the call.
The end is near.
Less than ten minutes later, I hear the sound of a doorbell. The feeling of dread building within me, my flight instincts screaming at me to hide.
"Coming!"
No Komachi! There's a serial killer at the door! Don't let Johnny in!
"Yahallo Komachi!"
"Yahallo Nee-san!"
Shitshitshitshitshitshit
"I'm here to drag Hachiman to school."
"Ooh, I'll help!"
No Komachi! You were supposed to defeat them, not join them! Traitor!
I bury myself in as many pillows and blankets I can find, stuffing my face into Lena-san and hoping that the scary women will go away.
If I can't see them, they aren't real. If I can't see them, they aren't real. If I can't see them, they aren't real. If I can't see them, they aren't real. If I can't see them, they aren't real.
My door creaks open, the sound of two pairs of footsteps on the wooden floor tap softly. It's eerily quiet, the sound of a weapon being brandished could be heard- wait what?
My heart was pounding in my chest, my breathing irregular. Then, all of a sudden, two masses crash against my linen shield, knocking the wind out of me.
""WAKE UP""
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
And so, here I am, Hikigaya Hachiman, being literally dragged by two girls down the sidewalk towards Sobu Highschool. They were pulling one arm each, like how one would share a grocery basket. I ignore the numerous questioning gazes of the people passing by, and I try my hardest to look dead. Maybe someone will call the police to save me.
Ow. I think a rock got stuck up my ass.
"We're here!" Komachi, who I assumed was grinning widely, said.
"Ooh so this is Sobu!" Kaori exclaimed, with what I assume was wide eyes and an equally wide smile.
I was dragged through the entrance, down the hall, up the stairs, and through another hall, then finally, through the Service Club room. My butt hurt, and my pajama pants were stained with dirt. I was thrown forward by Kaori who still had some kind of alien strength, landing face first on the floor.
The tiled floor was cold. Very nice.
I kept my eyes closed and stayed limp.
"""Yahallo!""" ""Hello.""
Wow all of them were in sync. It's like a hive mind. Those are 5 sets of quotation marks. Scary.
"Orimoto-chan, Komachi-chan, I thought Hikigaya-kun was supposed to be here? Why have you brought a dead fish instead?" (Most likely) Yukinoshita inquired.
"Hikki?" (Probably) Yuigahama asked, (probably) poking me with her foot. "Is he dead?"
I wish I was. Wait... is that smoke?
"Hachiman~ How much do you like this Major Milizé body pillow?" Kaori's voice echoes in my ears.
"like this Major Milizé body pillow"
NOOOOOOOOO
I jump up, eyes wide. I rolled my sleeves, ready to fight for my second most prized possession. Seeing the fire inside the trash can, and Lena-san above it, I dash forward, tackling the pillow away from the dangerous hot garbage. Then, I turn around to see five women with scary eyes staring at me menacingly.
"Lena-san, I think this is the end. Tell my family I love them!"
"Ghk!" A fist embedded itself in my stomach, courtesy of (probably) Hiratsuka-sensei.
That was how Hikigaya Hachiman met his end.
*Technical Difficulties*
"So we need to make an article in a magazine about marriage? Why us? We don't know anything about marriage!" I complain after being told that the oh so important reason that I was brought here was to make an article about marriage. "We are literally the worst people for this."
"How so?" Yukinoshita asks, perplexed.
'Yeah, why?" Yuigahama echoes.
"I'm me, Yukinoshita is her, Yuigahama can't cook, I'll never allow Komachi to get married, Kaori is an alien, and Hiratsuka-sensei is-" I was interrupted by the teacher's piercing glare.
"You want to finish that sentence Hikigaya?"
I gulped.
"I mean, obviously Hiratsuka-sensei should do it because she has the most experience with that kind of thing out of all of us here!" I exclaimed.
...
Then tried and failed to stifle a laugh. Everyone else in the room, except Hiratsuka-sensei, followed my lead shortly after.
"Ghk!"
FATALITY!
It was really sad actually.
After everyone had controlled their fits of laughter and Hiratsuka-sensei had stopped sobbing on the floor, we continued to discuss the topic at hand.
"Why don't we write an article about marriage from the point of view of us highschoolers?" I suggest. "Or do some kind of survey or something?"
"We can't fill two whole pages with an article" Yukinoshita replied."Plus, we don't have a large enough sample size for the survey to be effective."
"Watch me." I deadpan.
"Okaaayy~ Maybe we should do something simpler, where we can use pictures. Like a wedding dress competition or something." Yuigahama reasons. "I know I'd read something like that."
"How would that be informative though?" Yukinoshita retorted."
"We could just make up some random stuff then fill in the rest of the space with ads." I say, "It's not like people will actually question its integrity, plus we could get some money."
"Mou~ That's bad Hikki!" Yuigahama complained. "I always listen to the stuff in magazines!"
"Case and point." I declare,
Meanwhile, the other three people in the room stared at us bewildered at the scene that was unfolding in front of them. Heads turning left and right and center, like they were watching a tennis match. Hiratsuka-sensei was listening intently, Kaori was observing the chaos, obviously amused, and Komachi had her head on the table.
This continued for a while, until the younger Hikigaya had had enough.
"YOU GUYS ARE COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT!"
30 seconds later, somehow, the five women are now supposedly competing for 'wife points' while I judge them
Who thought this would be a good idea? Do they want me to die? I will definitely die!
Well, since they look like they're taking this seriously, I suppose I'll use one of my 108 skills, [Judgemental Hikki] but modify it a little so that I can actually give them feedback. So now, one of my 108 enhanced skills, [Judge, Jury, and Executioner Hikki]. Humu, humu. That will work.
"Let's begin, the first trial is the COOKING COMPETITION!" I shout. "Your husband (or wife, I'm looking at you two Yukinoshita, Yuigahama) has just come home after a long day at work, and you must make them the best dinner to lift their somber mood!"
"What does somber mean?" Yuigahama asks.
"It means something similar to gloomy." Yukinoshita answered.
"All right! Get to your stations, you have 30 minutes to prepare your dish, any longer and your partner will starve to death!" I tried to exclaim enthusiastically but ended up just loudly sounding bored.
And so, the battle to make the best dinner had begun. Yukinoshita brought out her golden suitcase full of ceramic knives that were engraved with her initials, Yuigahama started by putting some… meat? In the oven? Or something? Hiratsuka-sensei was aggressively chopping bean spouts, screaming 'MUDA MUDA MUDA' while swinging her disproportionately big knife in large arcs of pure destruction. Komachi was making what looked like curry, and Kaori, well, as soon as I said go she ran out the door. She probably has some kind of plan, but I can't help but be scared at the implications of my thoughts.
"TIme! Put your hands in the air!" I say, being ignored. "Oi, I said time, you need to stop." This time, they did stop, but not before putting the finishing touches on their dish. If this was Master Chef they would already be disqualified.
"Ok lets start from left to right; Yukinoshita! What do you have for us today?"
She placed a silver platter with a solid gold, diamond encrusted cloche on the table, her gloved hands raising it revealing a classic Paella dish with shrimp and… is that crab? "I made classic Paella, simple yet delicious and exquisite."
I nodded and ate a spoonful. "It tastes like Paella. Good job. 8/10" I declared. "Not spicy enough though."
She just nodded with a faraway look in her eyes. Do you have some nostalgic memories about spicy things or something?
"Woah, as expected of Yukinon! Italian food is really yummy!" The airhead said.
"It's Spanish, Yuigahama-san."
"Eh? But I had it in Saize though…?"
"Moving on! Yuigahama! What have you prepared?" I said, my voice a little shaky.
Not going to lie, I think I peed myself a little when she placed her platter on the table. I felt a strange sense of foreboding that chilled me to my bones. Alas, my fears were confirmed when she revealed her dish, the pungent odor assaulting my senses, tears started to form in my eyes as I shakily poked the… piece of matter with my fork.
"I made Japanese style burger steak!"
The collective thoughts of everyone in the room was; "Japanese?"
"I see." I gulped as I stabbed the 'steak'. It crumbled. It crumbled like charcoal.
"Use a spoon." Yuigahama smiled at me. "You'll get more of the sauce."
THE SAUCE? WHAT SAUCE? LAMB SAUCE?
I nodded and took a spoonful, my hands shaking as I inched it towards my mouth. I closed my eyes and bit the bullet- I mean ate the food.
"It looks like shit, smells like shit, and tastes like shit, but I could taste the love you put into it, so 1/10." I said after convulsing and twitching uncontrollably.
"It\s okay Yui-chan! You tried your hardest!?" Komachi said with a bright smile and a thumbs-up as Yukinoshita patted the downcast girl on the back.
"MWAHAHA IT'S MY TURN NOW RIGHT?!" Hiratsuka-sensei, who hasn't said anything until now, screamed into my ears, shattering my eardrums. She slammed her plate onto the table in front of me, cracking it. "I made stir-fried beef and bean sprouts covered in meat sauce!"
The heavens opened up as a light shone onto her dish, the sound of trumpets and flutes sang in praise. I stared at it in shock before quickly stuffing a spoonful into my mouth.
"It's- It's amazing! The meat sauce! It's really good! Though, I don't like bean sprouts but still, very good! 9/10!"
Hiratsuka-sensei beamed with pride as she exuded a bright yellow aura that blinded everyone in the room.
"My turn! Onii-chan here!" Kami-sama placed a small, regular ceramic plate, with some very regular looking curry on it. "I put so much love and affection into it for you! Oh, that must have gotten so many points!"
It did.
I ate the whole plate before saying, "It tastes normal, but since you put so much love into it, you get 8/10 points!"
She looked a little disappointed, but I really didn't want to incur Hiratsuka-sensei's wrath and have the contestants question the integrity of my judging.
"Now it's Kaori's turn!" I looked around. "Wait.. where's Kaori?"
Then suddenly, as if c4 was just detonated outside, the building shook as Kaori slammed the door open, bringing with her a plastic bag with what looked to be a bowl inside.
"I AM… COMING THROUGH THE DOOR LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!" Kaori screamed at the top of her lungs in a deep voice, causing Hiratsuka-sensei to start guffawing in the back and induced a small laugh from me.
"Is it my turn yet?" She asked with laboured breaths. "I have my dish!"
She placed a bowl of take-out ramen from the convenience store in front of me. It's ethereal aroma made my nose cry in pleasure as drool overflowed from my mouth. I slammed my face into the plastic bowl, inhaling everything in an instant.
With soup on my face, and a noodle dripping down my cheek I declared Kaori the winner. "10/10. You win. Marry me."
"Sheeesh, wait until after college at least." Kaori replied with the back of her hand over her mouth.
"Too long." I decided."After highschool."
"Bet." was the instant reply.
""Nani?!"" Yukinoshita and Yuigahama said in sync.
"Oh yeah, you two don't know about it yet, but those two are dating now." Hiratsuka-sensei said before turning to the side and muttering, "I really need to find a man before they graduate…"
It was really sad actually.
"Well, I give my condolences to you Orimoto-chan, I hope you can escape from your precarious situation as soon as possible." Yukinoshita said. "Though I must say, I expected this to happen a lot sooner."
"Yeah Yeah!" Yuigahama agreed. "After all those things Kaori-chan told me in the mall too…"
I turned to Kaori with a questioning gaze. She just looked away smiling innocently,
Little snake.
"Anyways, the score is: Yukinoshita with 8 points! Yuigahama with 1! Hiratsuka-sensei with 9! Komachi with 9! And lastly, Kaori with a whopping 10 points!" I announce. "Even if you only have one point-" Yuigahama pouted. "-it's still possible for you to catch up! Our next trial has the potential to give you 30 points if you get all the answers correct. Now, the ultimate wife problem solving scenario quiz is about to begin! Prepare your whiteboards and feminine charm, because we'll be starting in 5 minutes!"
Five minutes later, everyone was situated in their respective podiums, armed with whiteboards and markers.
"Alright, let's begin." I said. "Your significant other has just come home from a long day at work, what do you do?"
"5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Ok show me your boards."
Yukinoshita: Prepare a delicious meal and wine.
Yuigahama: Give them a big hug!
Hiratsuka-sensei: Pin them against the wall.
Komachi: Offer to give them a bath!
Kaori: Bring out the cup ramen.
"Yukinoshita! Big meals and wine should be reserved for special occasions, and I don't think your partner will have enough energy to eat a full meal and wine after working for 10 hours. 7 points!"
"Eh? Where did the 10 hours come fro-"
"Yuigahama! A nice big hug is always good, however it might not be enough to cheer up a tired partner. 8 points!"
"Pinning a very sleepy person against a wall isn't a very good idea sensei... 5 points."
"What? But won't most guys get really excite-"
"Komachi is super correct! A nice bath with your partner will definitely soothe any stress! 10 points!"
"Teehee~ If onii-chan wants Komachi can also offe-"
"Anyways! Kaori, you can't just write ramen for everything and expect me to let you win."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"10 points!"
"""Wha-"""
"Okay! Next question!" I cleared my throat. "Ahem, your partner has been coming home late recently, you suspect they're cheating! What do you do?"
"5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Show me your boards!"
Yukinoshita: Prepare the divorce papers and dirty money for the judge.
Yuigahama: Confront them about it!
Hiratsuka-sensei: Buy brass knuckles.
Komachi: Trust them that they aren't cheating!
Kaori: Get the truth out of them by bribing them with cup ramen.
"Yukinoshita! You scum! 0 points!"
"Is it not the most logical decisi-"
"Yuigahama! Good answer! They could be lying, but that's up to your own judgement at that point. 8 points!"
"Hiratsuka-sensei, I don't think murder is the right path to go, but since it's brass knuckles… 3 points."
"Oi Komachi, what if they are actually cheating? But since that answer is so cute and pure, 9 points!"
"..."
"...yes?"
"You can't buy me off with cup ramen."
"..."
"Anyways! Kaori gets 10 points!" I say quickly, "Moving on, the last question! This is your last chance to catch up!"
I continued, "Someone is hitting on your partner, what do you do?"
"5, 4, 3, 2, 1. boards!."
Yukinoshita: Publicly verbally humiliate the offender until they are spasming and twitching on the ground.
Yuigahama: Mark my territory! Like, hug them or smth…
Hiratsuka-sensei: Bring out my brass knuckles that I bought earlier,
Komachi: Passively aggressively tell them to kindly get the fuck away from my man!
Kaori: Ignore the person flirting and bring my partner away to the nearest ramen stand.
"Okay! So, Yukinoshita has a good answer, completely and utterly decimating the person flirting without getting physical is the way to go. 9 points!"
"Of course that would be the best course of action."
"Yuigahama! That won't be enough, especially if the person flirting doesn't care if your partner is single or not. 5 points."
"Eh? I guess your right…"
"You're*"
"Wha-?"
"Hiratsuka-sensei… do you want to go to jail? 3 points since it would be funny,"
"HAHAH IT WOULD BE HAHAHA."
… that was a little creepy…
"KomachI had the best answer for sure! Destroying someone's mentality with vulgar insults disguised as kind comments are the ultimate weapon! Especially if a cute girl is the one saying it, 10 points!"
"Now, Kaori… Ramen doesn't immediately mean 10 points okay?"
Her smiling face blankly stared at me.
"... 10 points."
"Okay! The final scores are Yukinoshita with 24 points, Yuigahama with 22, Hiratsuka-sensei with 20, Komachi with 37 points, and lastly, Kaori with a perfect 40 points!" I exclaim. "Goodbye everyone, I'm going home."
They were all hopeless. No one in that room was getting married ever.
Thus, All He Can Do Is Wish Them Luck
Yo. Look okay, it's 3am and I was struck with a sudden urge to write, and I'm kinda high on sleep deprivation, and I kinda felt like the S1 OVA was crack-y too so I made this abomination in honor of that. I removed the wedding dress thing because there's no point and I really don't want to describe wedding dresses.
So this story is done, but I'm not going to mark it as complete just yet since I need to edit and rewrite everything, including this chapter so... yeah. So if you see that this story is marked as complete, that means that everything is edited and all the additional content was added, so when that happens give it a re-read. (It will probably happen around end next month since school exists so yeah)
Comments time! (woo)
To orpheusxv and notaflashfananymore, thanks for the good luck wishes for my exams, I really need it holy.
To ToapAN, this guy really saw my pfp and decided to comment without reading... I mean, good on you I guess. Yeah, Jigokuraku is my favorite manga so...
Also, I have an 18-20k word OreGairu fic in the works. Details are in my profile.
Thats all. Peace.
P.S. I'm practicing writing fluff in the form of a Hell's Paradise one-shots thingie, so if you like Jigokurau go check that out I guess.