A/N: So, as of July 3rd, I reworked and expanded chapter 1, if you want to give it another read. The first chapter was a bit rushed when I originally posted it, and I never really looked back until now, LOL. The biggest change is to the conversation between James and Lily outside the library in the very beginning—that scene is longer, and it should be abundantly clear now that Lily ran into James by chance, got emotional, and slipped up and said too much—she did not deliberately seek James out to betray Sev's secret intentionally. The original version kinda sort of read that way, upon reflection, and she definitely caved and told him too much way too easily (oops).
Other changes: Sev is the one who knew the incantation for the Wizard's Oath now, not Lily. (Because if Lily knew it, she should've made James swear one before walking away from him outside the library, LOL… Again, my bad).
Also, content warning (I guess?) for abortion being mentioned in a hypothetical sense for a hot second because it's relevant to someone's characterization. Nothing to get excited about, and it probably won't come up again. I am very much pro-choice, but I also try to be considerate and am therefore warning anyone who might be upset by the discussion of abortion popping up unexpectedly.
Anyway. Hope you enjoy this chapter… It is very much NSFW towards the end :)
Chapter 7
Severus barely remembered the return trip on the Knight Bus—it was a bit of a blur, partly because of the ridiculous Bus itself and partly because he was starting to feel a little bit…drifty…again. He hoped James hadn't noticed, but from the way he'd been sneaking concerned glances at him since they'd left the racetrack, Severus doubted he would be that lucky.
As they stepped off the Knight Bus and started up the front walk towards Potter's house, Severus took a deep breath and tried to reign in his emotions. Now that the moment was over, he was angry with himself for getting so emotional at the race track. He'd given his piece of shit abusive father a decent send-off out of respect for what his mother would've wanted him to do—but she wasn't here, because the bastard had murdered her. She should be alive. Severus shouldn't be even the tiniest bit happy about being free while she was rotting in the ground. He shouldn't be gallivanting around with his new boyfriend—who was James goddamned Potter of all people—while his mother was never going to get to go anywhere or do anything ever again.
Halfway up the front walk, James cleared his throat next to him, and cautiously asked, "You still doing all right, Sev?"
"Fucking fantastic," he snapped.
James blinked at the harshness, then sarcastically muttered back, "Yeah, clearly." There was just enough bite to his tone to remind Severus of the old James Potter, the one who had bullied him and mocked him, and that was most certainly not what he needed at this moment.
Severus stopped short and turned to face Potter, tears gathering in his eyes against his will. He wanted to either punch him or cry, and neither action was acceptable so instead Severus just stood there and glared at him.
Potter's eyebrows went up, then in a softer tone, he said, "Shit, I'm sorry, Sev," as he stepped closer and pulled him into a hug that Severus was too wrung-out to resist.
"I'm just tired," Severus lied, hugging James back.
"All right, it's fine, we'll just go to bed," James said, despite it being broad daylight still. Then he called, "Tally?"
Tally popped into view a few steps further down the path, looking confused about why she'd been summoned to the front walkway.
"Take us up to my room, will you?" James asked her.
Tally nodded and stepped closer, reaching up to put a hand on each of their arms. Severus closed his eyes in preparation. He felt the sickening twist of Apparation, and when he opened his eyes again, he and James were in the middle of the bedroom, and Tally had already popped away.
"Come on," James said quietly, leading him to the bed.
Sev sat down on the edge of the bed and James sat next to him. Severus ran one hand through his hair, and said, "This is so frustrating! I keep thinking I'm doing better, and for a little while I'll feel almost normal and then something just hits me, and," he trailed off, throwing his hands up in aggravation.
"It's all right, Sev," James said, taking one of his hands and entwining their fingers. "You are doing better. I think it's just going to take time—"
"How would you know?" Severus snapped.
"I don't," James admitted, seeming calm and unbothered by Sev's outburst.
Neither of them said anything else for a long moment, until James squeezed Sev's hand and stood up again.
"Come on," he said, tugging his hand and prompting Severus to stand up. "Change into something more comfortable if you're laying back down."
Severus toed off his shoes, then let go of James' hand and unbuttoned his trousers, taking them off and tossing them into a heap on the floor. He left the tee-shirt on and glanced over at James, who hadn't moved and who was trying and failing to be subtle about watching Severus.
"You too," Severus said, boldly reaching over and hooking his fingers into the top of James' trousers, using his grip on the material to tug him closer.
"Whoa," James said in surprise, blushing slightly but making no move to stop Sev's hands.
Severus smirked and unbuttoned James' trousers, then pulled the zipper down as well, keeping eye contact with his suddenly flustered boyfriend. The he stuck both hands in James' trouser pockets and tugged them down past James' thighs to his knees before unceremoniously stepping back and climbing into the bed.
"What—?" James protested, seeming confused by Sev's abrupt absence. Then he glanced down at his trousers bunched around his knees and said, "I still have my shoes on, you berk," sounding annoyed but also amused that Sev had essentially just debagged him.
"Whose fault is that?" Sev teased, trying not to laugh.
James rolled his eyes and sat down on the edge of the bed, kicking off his shoes and then tugging his trousers the rest of the way off and throwing them on the floor with Sev's. "I suppose I had that coming. I'm surprised you didn't hoist me upside down wandlessly."
"Too much effort," Severus said flippantly.
James huffed a laugh, then took his shirt off and finally climbed into bed next to Severus. He left his glasses on and turned onto his side, staring at Sev and seeming to study his expression.
Severus turned his head to meet his eyes, and asked, "What?"
James shook his head, then said, "Nothing. Just—sometimes I don't understand how you could want me."
Sev's eyebrows went up, but without missing a beat he replied, "Right back at you."
James frowned, and said, "No, Sev, don't say that. You're amazing, and I was so bloody awful to you—"
Severus leaned in and shut him up with a kiss. He didn't want to talk about their past enmity, didn't even want to think about it. It probably wasn't the healthiest way to go about things, but Severus would much rather prefer to just keep compartmentalizing forever instead of talking about it.
James pulled back and said, "Sev, I'm serious—"
"No you aren't," Sev said, pausing to nip at James' lower lip before continuing, "I would definitely never snog Black like this."
That startled a laugh out of James, and he didn't protest when Severus leaned in again to recapture his lips. Although after a moment, he pulled away and deadpanned, "You do understand that making a Sirius/serious joke means you're a Marauder now, right?"
"Hippogriff shit," Severus protested, but he was secretly pleased that he'd managed to distract James from the rather heavier conversation he'd been trying to start.
"Nope, you're officially the fifth Marauder now," James said through a grin. "I don't make the rules."
"You absolutely do, and I want no part of it."
"You'll need a nickname though," James said, as if Sev hadn't spoken.
Severus rolled his eyes and said, "Fine. The Half-Blood Prince, then," telling him the moniker he'd written in all of his textbooks, which Bellatrix had unfortunately seen once and mocked him for afterwards in the privacy of the Slytherin common room.
James' eyebrows went up and he said, "That's too long, and way too pretentious. Just 'Prince' would work though." He smiled and leaned in to kiss the tip of Sev's nose, murmuring an affectionate, "my Prince."
Severus tried to will away his blush, and said, "Just 'Prince' is a family name I have no legitimate claim to, since they disowned my mother."
James went quiet for a moment and seemed to think it over, then he shrugged and bluntly said, "Fuck 'em. Use it anyway. As long as you don't put it on legal documents, they can't do anything about you using it as a nickname."
Severus thought about it for a moment, then smirked at James. "This is all beside the point anyway, seeing as I'm not a Marauder," he said, emphasizing the last three words.
"Yeah you are," James argued, smirking back and stealing another quick kiss.
"No, I'm not," Severus said against James' lips.
"Are too."
"Am not."
"Are too."
"James, honestly—"
"Are too, my Prince," James said smugly, kissing him again.
Severus rolled his eyes but smiled. "Go to sleep, Prongs," he said, injecting as much sarcasm as possible into the nickname.
James gasped in delight and then grinned. "Now it's definitely official. You used my nickname, you're a Marauder."
"Am not."
"Are too."
Their eyes met, and both of them started laughing at the same moment.
"You," Sev managed to say in between laughter, "are so bloody immature sometimes."
James stuck out his tongue and said, "I know you are but what am I?"
Sev rolled his eyes and answered, "Exhausting."
James smiled, then gave him a softer look and said, "Go to sleep then, love."
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
James carefully snuck out of bed a few hours after Sev fell asleep—he'd dozed off a bit himself, but he didn't want to sleep all day and it seemed like Sev would be down for a while again.
He went downstairs for some food, since they hadn't had a proper breakfast and hadn't had lunch at all. He was hoping Sev would wake up in time to have a real dinner, but he wasn't going to disturb his sleep if he didn't…clearly he still needed to rest.
Tally made him a delicious club sandwich, and James ate it in the formal dining room just for the hell of it, sitting at the head of the table. The red velvet cake was still there under its preservation charms, but Tally had evidently taken the knife out of the wall at some point and repaired the hole. James finished his sandwich and considered a piece of cake for dessert, but he decided to save the cake for Severus. If that was all he could get Sev to eat for now, then James wanted to leave as much as possible for him. He left his plate on the table, knowing Tally would clean everything up, and he headed back upstairs.
He was almost to his room when Tally popped into the hallway in front of him, and said, "Master James, the same girl is being back at the door. Should I let her in?"
James blinked, then said, "Oh. Erm. Hang on." After how things had gone last time, James didn't trust himself to be alone with Evans without unintentionally bollocksing everything up even worse. He quietly opened the door to his bedroom just a crack so the light from the hallway wouldn't disturb Severus if he was still in bed.
"Sev? Are you up?" he whispered into the darkened room, loud enough to carry but not loud enough to wake him up if he was still asleep. "Sev?"
No response.
James sighed, then closed the door and turned back to Tally. "Let her in, I guess. And her name is Lily Evans."
Tally nodded, and said, "I will be letting Miss Lily Evans inside." Then she popped away.
James took a deep breath, then headed downstairs as if walking to the gallows.
He found her in the sitting room closest to the entryway. She was wearing those short shorts again—Merlin help him, he thought, forcing his eyes up—with a black tee shirt that had some kind of prism on it, a triangle with a white line going in one side and coming out as a rainbow on the other side. The shirt was a little big on her, and he wondered if that was one of Sev's too. She was also wearing a backpack that looked stuffed full, and she had a square beach-type bag hanging off one arm, and a rather enormous handbag on the other.
Evidently she heard him coming, because she looked up with a bright smile on her face. The smile dimmed slightly when she saw that it was James and not Severus. James tried not to let that sting too much.
"Hey, Evans," he said, aiming his tone for 'casual' but landing somewhere in 'nervous' instead.
"Potter," she greeted, glancing over his shoulder at the staircase as if expecting Severus to come down. "Where's Sev?" she asked.
"Taking a nap," James answered, sticking his hands in his pockets. "We picked up his dad's ashes earlier today and spread them at the horse track. I think it wore him out a bit." Evans nodded and didn't seem overly surprised by that. James supposed Sev might've told her about his one good memory of his dad at some point.
"Has he been eating?" Evans asked.
"Not really. He ate some cake again, but it's mostly still just nutrient potions."
Evan sighed, but said, "Well, I'll make sure he at least eats real meals while I'm here."
James' brow furrowed at that, then he gestured towards the bags Evans was carrying and asked, "What's all that?"
"Oh," Evans said, holding up the beach bag, "I brought some music for Sev. That record player in your room works, right?"
"Yeah."
"Good. And, I also brought some clothes and stuff to stay for the weekend." At James' raised eyebrows, Evans blinked and added, "If that's all right?" She smirked and reminded him, "You've invited me to your pool party sleepovers plenty of times. I assumed it was a standing invitation."
"Yeah, I guess," James said, not sure what else to say. It was true after all, even though in the past she'd always rolled her eyes at him and said no. A week ago he would've been ecstatic about Evans inviting herself over to stay for a weekend, but after their last interaction he was pretty sure she actually despised him, despite Sev's reassurances. Now it was just awkward.
"Good," Evans said, not seeming to notice his discomfort. "I couldn't get back until now, but my parents think me and my sister are sleeping over with some of Tuney's school friends, so I can stay the whole weekend." Evans smiled, then a concerned look crossed her face and she asked, "Your parents are still away, right?"
"Yep," James said, trying to force a smile.
"When will they be back?"
James shrugged. "I never know anymore. Probably not anytime soon."
"Oh," Evans said, biting her lip and seeming to realize she'd hit a sore spot. "Erm—sorry."
"It's fine," James said, and Merlin this was uncomfortable. "Erm—come on, let's go upstairs and you can pick out a room."
"Yeah, all right," Evans agreed, following him when he headed for the stairs.
She followed him up the stairs in silence, and when they reached the landing for his floor, he gestured towards the door directly across from his own room and said, "That one's reserved—it's where the guys stay whenever they visit. But there are four other guest rooms on this floor, just take your pick."
Evans glanced at him and tilted her head, giving him a slight smile. "Any recommendations?"
James shrugged. "They're all about the same, really. This lot has the better view, facing the back yard and the woods," he said, nodding towards the rooms on the same side of the hall as his own.
Evans looked at him for another moment, seeming slightly puzzled about something. Then she stepped away and opened the doors to each of the vacant rooms, briefly going in each one to see for herself. James stayed where he was, leaning against the wall a few steps from his own room.
"I think I want this one," she called from the furthest room on James' side of the hallway. She stepped back out into the hallway without the bags, and she leaned against the door frame with her arms crossed. "Are you going to reserve it for me from now on?" she asked in an almost teasing tone.
"Sure," James said. Before, he would've flirted shamelessly with her, but now he felt like he had to watch everything he said, and he kept second-guessing himself too much to be anything other than cordially polite.
"Hey, Tally?" he called. The house-elf appeared, and James said, "That's going to be Evans' room from now on. Get her whatever she needs." Tally nodded and skipped over to Evans, enthusiastic about her task. James caught Evans' eye again and said, "Tally will help you customize it however you like." He nodded towards his own door and said, "I'm going to check on Sev."
Evans blinked and looked like she was going to ask him something, but Tally was fussing around Evans and ushering her into the room, asking about color palettes and thread counts, and James took the opportunity to escape into his own room.
He shut the door behind him, then leaned against it and sighed. He glanced toward the bed, but realized with a start that Severus wasn't in it.
"Sev?" he called, worried.
The bathroom door opened a moment later and Severus stuck his head out. His hair was wet and he raised an eyebrow at James. "What?"
"Nothing, just didn't know where you went," James said, feeling foolish for worrying. He ran a nervous hand through his hair, messing it up even more than it normally was.
"Just took a shower. You could've joined me if you hadn't run off," he said, his tone half-accusatory and half-suggestive.
"I thought you'd be asleep for longer. And, erm, Evans is here. For the weekend, apparently."
"Really?" Sev's face seemed to light up, and James tamped down a stab of jealousy.
"Mm-hmm."
Severus ducked back into the bathroom, then emerged fully dressed a moment later, rubbing a towel over his wet hair.
"Where is she?" Sev asked.
"Last room on the left. Tally's helping her set it up."
"Well come on," Sev said, haphazardly tossing the towel on the floor and grabbing James' hand to tug him into the hallway.
James let himself be led along, and watched Sev stop to knock at the last door. After only a few seconds Evans opened the door with a bright smile for Severus, and Sev's face lit up with a grin in return.
Then Evans squealed in excitement and jumped into Sev's arms, throwing them around his neck and wrapping her legs around his waist while Sev's arms shot up to catch her. He swayed slightly and bumped his shoulder into the door, but kept his balance.
"Oof—Lily! I wasn't ready," Severus said, but he was still smiling. He took a few steps into the room, still carrying her. James stayed in the doorway, raising an eyebrow at their antics.
Evans leaned down to kiss Sev, running both hands through his damp hair, then she pulled away long enough to say, "I can stay the whole weekend, Sev."
"I heard," Sev said, kissing her again.
"Have we ever had an entire weekend?" she asked, grinning again.
Severus shook his head but he was still smiling too.
James had never seen two people more obviously in love. He forced a smile even though no one was looking at him, then he said, "I'll just," he vaguely gestured towards his own room. Neither Sev nor Evans seemed to have heard him.
"I brought records," Evans told Sev, leaning down to playfully nudge her nose against his. "And a swimsuit. And," she lowered her voice into a near-whisper but James still heard her, "lots of condoms."
Evans giggled and Sev blushed but smiled, and James decided that was his cue to leave.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
"All right, put me down," Lily finally said when she felt Sev's arms starting to slip a little. In hindsight, she probably shouldn't have pounced on him like that knowing that he hadn't been eating enough to keep his strength up, but she'd just been so happy to see him that she forgot for a moment.
Sev let her down and she immediately kissed him again, then she reluctantly let go and glanced towards the door to see if Potter was still ogling them—she'd sort of forgot about him too for a moment. But the door was closed and Potter was gone, so Lily just smiled at Sev and hoped Potter hadn't heard her talking about condoms.
Sev sat down on the bed and Lily sat next to him, reaching for his hand and entwining their fingers.
"How on earth did you manage to get away for an entire weekend?" Severus asked, sounding impressed.
"Oh, you'll never believe it—Tuney caught me sneaking back in last time. She was sitting in my room in the dark waiting for me like a serial killer, and I thought I was going to be grounded forever. But," she said, pausing to draw out the suspense, "turns out, she'd covered for me with Mum and Dad."
Sev raised an eyebrow, then asked, "And what did she want in return?"
"She said she'll cover for me seeing you, if I cover for her seeing her new boyfriend."
Both of Sev's eyebrows went up in shock. "Someone's actually dating her?" he said, sounding horrified.
Lily lightly slapped his shoulder with her free hand and said, "Be nice," but only out of sisterly duty. She honestly had trouble believing it too—Tuney was so uptight these days and seemed allergic to fun, but apparently there was someone for everyone.
"I don't want details," Severus said emphatically. "Ever."
"Gross, I don't either," Lily said. "But if she tells me any, you're going to suffer with me."
Severus feigned a shudder—at least, she thought he was feigning it—and Lily laughed.
She leaned her head on his shoulder and the two of them sat in comfortable silence for a long moment.
"I missed you," she finally said. She felt Sev press a kiss to the top of her head, and she turned her head up to steal a real kiss from him.
Then she toed off her shoes and pulled her legs up into the bed, scooting back toward the pillows piled near the headboard and laying on her side. "Come here," she said, and Sev followed, laying face-to-face with her as she settled comfortably against the pillows.
One of his hands reached up to play with a strand of her hair, and she let him. It reminded her of laying next to him under their tree in the park in Cokeworth. She'd always loved how they could just exist together—they didn't have to constantly talk or touch or be doing anything—it was enough sometimes just to be together in comfortable silence.
"What did you do to Potter?" Lily asked after a while. "He's acting weird."
"Oh," Sev said, looking mildly uncomfortable. "Er, he actually seemed to misunderstand something you said to him last time, and he's been a bit…insecure about it."
Lily's first instinct was to laugh at the thought of big-headed narcissistic James Potter being insecure about anything, but then she remembered the way Potter had thanked her for not making Severus choose, and the way he'd been weirdly formal and polite since then, and she felt a tiny frisson of guilt again. "Does he still think I hate him? Because I never said that."
"That's still the conclusion he drew," Severus said.
Lily huffed out a frustrated breath. "The conclusion he was supposed to draw was that if he stopped acting like an entitled douche-bag and instead acted more like the decent person that's apparently been buried underneath all along, then maybe, maybe, I might be able to tolerate him."
"Just 'tolerate'?" Sev asked in a knowing, amused tone.
"Oh shut up," Lily said, but fondly. "He won you over too. Like, super fast."
Severus was quiet for a moment, then he said hesitantly, "He's like an entirely different person when you're on his good side. When he's decided that you're worth his kindness. It's easier than I thought it would be to compartmentalize the past and just focus on the present."
"You're worth all the kindness," Lily said quietly, catching his eye and giving him a small smile. Before Sev could argue against that or say something self-depreciating, she asked, "Is that what works for you, then? Compartmentalizing and not talking about it?"
Sev's expression turned guarded, then he cautiously said, "We can talk about things if you want to, Lily. We probably should," although his tone said that he would rather do anything except talk about all the things that went wrong between them.
Lily glanced down at the bedspread between them for a moment, then said, "What if I don't want to talk about it either?"
"Then we compartmentalize," Sev said, sounding grateful.
Lily bit her lip and said, "Can I just ask one thing first?"
Sev looked apprehensive, but he immediately said, "I didn't mean it, and I don't think less of you because you're Muggleborn, and I'll never say that word again, Lily, I promise."
Lily blinked. "That's good to know—but I was actually just going to ask how much you told Potter about why we, erm, drifted apart over fifth year."
"I didn't lie," Severus said carefully, "I told him that things got too serious over the summer, and that I worried about trapping you with me, and that I didn't react well the first time you told me you loved me. But I didn't tell him everything either."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning exactly what you think I mean. I wouldn't recommend saying it out loud on the off chance that there are monitoring spells or that the house-elf might overhear us and tell Potter."
Lily let out a noise somewhere between a scoff and a laugh. "Thanks for making me worry about monitoring spells in my room here, Sev. Jesus."
But she was a little bit grateful for his paranoia. Because if they actually talked about it, they would probably end up arguing again, or she would end up crying, or Potter would barge in at the worst possible moment and learn another secret that he had no business knowing.
It wasn't even much to tell, really, but when it happened it had felt like the end of the world—a broken condom followed by her next period being a week later than it should've been. She hadn't been pregnant—but for three harrowing weeks while she waited for a period, she'd thought that she might be. And maybe she'd gone a bit overboard in trying to reassure Sev that if she was pregnant, she was fine with it—that she loved him and they could run away together and raise the baby and be nothing like Sev's parents and live happily ever after. All of that while Severus kept alternating between apologizing profusely, brainstorming aloud about which illegal potions he could brew to sell and potentially make enough profit from to support a family, and stewing in silence with the occasional comment about how she deserved better and that he would never want her to feel like he was trapped with him because of this. There were also a handful of times when he very pointedly didn't bring up abortion as an option, although she could tell that he was thinking it—it was obvious because it was the only logical solution, really—but he never suggested it out loud. He knew how she felt about it—Lily was pro-choice and would defend to her last breath a woman's right to control her own body and make her own reproductive decisions, but at the same time, abortion wasn't a choice she thought she would personally ever make. She wanted kids someday. She loved Sev. If she ended up pregnant with his child, even unintentionally, there wasn't a shadow of doubt in her mind that she would keep it. Even if they weren't really old enough and all the odds were against them—she would always believe that their love would be strong enough to overcome everything else. Maybe she was too optimistic, but Sev's pessimism definitely made up for it. Between the two of them, she believed they would always balance each other out and things would work out for the best in the end.
"All right," Lily said after a long moment, "we don't have to talk about any of it."
"All right," Sev echoed, and there was more than a little gratitude in his tone. He paused, then added, "I do hope the condoms you brought this time aren't the cheap kind."
Lily laughed, then said, "Definitely not. I stole them off the top shelf this time. Only the best from now on," she said, breaking into a grin despite meaning it completely.
Severus snorted. "God, how romantic. I might swoon."
"You should swoon," Lily said, "That creepy old pharmacist always stares at me, and it's a lot harder to shoplift without you there to cause a distraction. It's a miracle I got anything this time."
Severus rolled his eyes but asked fondly, "However did you manage?"
Lily smirked, then answered, "I took an enormous handbag with me and 'accidentally' knocked over a display with it when I turned around. And while the creep was busy cleaning up the mess, I stuffed the handbag full of condoms and snuck out."
Severus shook his head and said, "I've told you not to use a handbag, it's too obvious—"
Lily interrupted, "Well I needed more than I could stick down my waistband or hide in my bra this time, Sev."
Severus blinked. "Why?"
Lily looked away, then answered, "I got plenty for you and me, and, well—I figured I'd better get some for you and Potter too. He has a bit of a reputation and I don't want you catching anything that he might have and passing it on to me."
She glanced back over in time to catch him arching an eyebrow at her.
"Or am I too late?" she asked.
"We haven't gone farther than snogging and a bit of groping," he assured her.
"All right, good. Do you happen to know how big he is yet?" she said, and Sev arched another eyebrow at her. "What?" Then she blushed and hurriedly clarified, "I'm only asking because of the condoms, Sev. I had to guess at the size for him, and I'm just wondering if I guessed right. That's all," she said emphatically.
Severus looked far too amused. "What did you guess?"
"Well I figured all that ego had to be compensating for something, so I got a size smaller than what we get for you."
Severus snorted, then said, "Then you guessed wrong. I only got a few brief glimpses in the bath, but I think he's actually slightly bigger than me."
"Damn it."
" Slightly bigger, I said. Mine will probably fit him."
"But half of what I brought are the smaller ones that nobody can use."
"It's fine," Severus said, sounding amused but also like he was trying to reassure her. "And anyway, he's been wanting to take things slow. I imagine we won't need condoms for some time yet."
It was Lily's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Never would've thought Potter would be one for taking it slow."
"Me neither, but he's had concerns that I'm not one hundred percent 'in my right mind' as he calls it."
Lily made a face and said, "That's rubbish. You're grieving, you're not insane."
Severus hesitated, then admitted, "That first week or so after was bad, Lily. I don't even remember most of it. He took care of me, and he just doesn't want to take advantage."
Lily bit her lip, then asked, "Are you doing better though? Honestly?"
"I'm… as all right as I can be right now, I suppose."
"Good," Lily said, scooting closer to him on the bed. She tucked her head under his chin and rested her forehead against his chest. One of his arms wrapped around her and she smiled—she'd missed the feeling of his arms around her, missed laying close to him, missed being able to touch him and kiss him and make love with him.
For a long, warm, comfortable moment, they both just laid there in silence and enjoyed the embrace.
Finally Lily asked, "Have you eaten today, Sev?"
"Mmmhm," he murmured back.
"Are you lying?"
"I ate some more of the red velvet cake and had a nutrient potion."
"How much cake?"
"Plenty."
"Sev," she said almost sternly.
"Lily," he said back, imitating her tone.
Lily sighed, but she let it go for now. "So Potter isn't expecting us for dinner or anything?"
"Nope," Sev answered, almost too quickly.
Lily pulled back far enough to make eye contact, then she asked, "Do you actually know that he isn't, or did you decide it on your own just now?"
Sev smirked, then said, "Yes," without bothering to specify which question he was answering. Then he leaned forward and kissed her.
Lily smiled into it at first but then she kissed him back, reaching up to run her fingers through his hair. Then his tongue was running along her bottom lip, asking for permission, and she opened her mouth and let him deepen the kiss, and then all she could focus on was the taste of his tongue against hers and the familiar press of his lips and the warmth of one hand gently pressing her shoulder and guiding her to move from her side onto her back.
Sev moved with her, pulling back just long enough to catch her eyes again and softly ask, "Yeah?"
"Yeah," Lily breathed back, reaching down between them to unbutton and unzip her shorts before reaching for Sev's trousers to do the same. While she did that, Sev reached for the waistband of her shorts and she lifted her hips so he could tug them down to her knees and then she toed the shorts the rest of the way off, kicking them somewhere towards the end of the bed. Sev rolled onto his back only long enough to pull off his trousers and pants, and Lily took the opportunity to sit up and take off the Pink Floyd shirt (another one of Sev's that she'd 'forgotten' to give back to him). When she looked at Sev again he'd lost the shirt too and was completely naked now—her eyes dropped down to his hard cock, and she licked her lips because she'd missed this too.
Sev moved closer again but paused, one warm hand smoothing up her thigh. "You sure?" he asked quietly.
"Yes," she said, and he gave her that smile he always did in these moments, like he couldn't quite believe he could have this, like she was his entire world.
Sev hooked his finger in the waistband of her panties and slowly started pulling them down, his eyes still locked with hers. She lifted her hips for him and reached down with both hands to pull her panties off herself, pushing his hand out of the way. Sev always liked it when she showed him she was eager for it—he always seemed to have a lingering doubt in the back of his mind, something that made him think that he didn't deserve this, or that she didn't really want this, and she always tried her best to kill that doubt with kisses and soft touches and pulling him inside of her like she never wanted him to leave.
She reached for his cock but Sev caught her hand in his and lifted it up to his lips instead, pressing a soft kiss to the back of her hand. "This is going to be over far too soon if you do that," he told her, seeming half-embarrassed.
Lily smiled, then leaned forward to kiss him while she reached one arm behind herself to pinch the clasp of her bra open, then she slipped it off and tossed it on the floor. Sev hummed against her lips as he realized what she'd done, and one of his hands found its way to her breast, his thumb brushing back and forth across her nipple until it hardened under the touch.
She pulled away from their kiss to say, "The condoms are in that handbag." She pointed towards the corner where she'd piled all of her bags and Sev turned to look, then snorted out a laugh.
"Is that the same handbag?" he asked. She nodded and he laughed again. "You've just been walking around with that giant handbag full of stolen condoms?"
"Shut up," she said, but she laughed too. "Go get us one."
Sev pressed another quick kiss to her lips before climbing out of bed to comply. Lily watched him and counted it as an accomplishment that he didn't shy away from being fully naked in front of her anymore, and that he didn't try to hide the scars on his back from her anymore either—he'd been so self-conscious when they'd first started this last summer, and he'd tried to hide by leaving his shirt on or by only doing this in the dark. He'd grown more confident each time, trusted her a little more, and now she didn't think it even crossed his mind to be self-conscious around her.
Sev returned with the condom, already tearing open the package. He stopped beside the bed, just staring down at her in silence for a moment before asking again, "You're sure?"
Lily appreciated his dedication to consent but at the same time she'd rather he would get on with it already, so she simply quirked one eyebrow at him and pointedly spread her legs. Sev's eyes dropped between them and she watched his adam's apple work as he swallowed.
"That's a yes, Sev," she said, smirking.
Severus nodded and climbed back onto the bed on his knees, rolling the condom onto his cock in a smooth, practiced motion. He settled between her spread legs and leaned down to kiss her again, hot and deep and desperate this time. She kissed him back, reaching up to run both of her hands through his hair as she did.
Sev had one forearm on the mattress near Lily's shoulder to prop himself up, but his other hand trailed down the length of her body before reaching between her legs and tracing the tips of two fingers teasingly around her entrance, trailing through her wetness.
"Fingers first?" he asked, breaking their kiss to meet her eyes.
Lily shook her head. "Don't need them. Just—come on," she said, kissing him again.
Sev lined himself up and she felt the blunt tip of his cock at her entrance. He paused there for a moment, his free hand returning to tease at her clit while their lips caught in soft kisses. When he finally started to slide inside of her—so slow, always so careful at first—Lily moaned into their kiss and shifted her hips up to meet him, to pull him in as deep as he could go.
She only needed a few seconds to adjust, then she kissed him and murmured, "Move," against his lips. Sev shifted his hips and pulled most of the way out before slowly pressing back into her. He kept it slow for a few thrusts, then he glanced up and caught her eye, reading her expression and then going just a little faster, a little harder. She wrapped her legs around him and the change in angle was exquisite.
"I've missed this," she whispered against his lips. It had been months—nearly an entire school year since the last time she'd had him inside her, since she'd felt the stretch and fullness and heat of him—her own fingers were never as satisfying, and there hadn't been anyone else.
"I love you," he whispered back, and Lily's breath caught. She bit her tongue against saying it back, not sure if he'd meant to say it out loud, and not wanting to risk freaking him out again. But then he said it again. "I love you," against her neck as he pressed kisses there, his hips still keeping a steady rhythm.
"Sev—ah," his hand was between them again, rubbing at her clit in a teasing counterpoint to the rhythm of his cock. "Love you," she managed to whisper before biting her lip to hold in a moan as his cock hit her just right. "M'close," she said, everything narrowing down to the stretch and friction of his cock inside her, the sharp pleasure of his fingers working her clit, the warm breath puffing against her neck as he pressed distracted kisses there.
Sev's fingers sped up and so did his thrusts—she could tell he was close too because he was starting to lose the rhythm. She felt her orgasm approaching, washing over her in a wave of warmth as she closed her eyes and her hands in Sev's hair tightened their grip and her entire body seized up in pleasure while she came with his name on her lips. "Sev!"
His lips caught hers, muffling her moans as he fucked her through her orgasm—slower now, shallower thrusts as her inner walls tightened around him—and he kept working her with his fingers, drawing it out until the overstimulation was too much and she was reaching between the two of them to push his hand away. He gripped her hip with it instead, then thrust into her two, three more times and then he shoved in deep and stilled there, coming with a muffled groan against her neck.
Lily reached up and stroked her hand through his hair, gentler now, while they both caught their breath in the afterglow. Severus let out a content sigh that tickled her neck, and she giggled and turned her head to catch his lips in a kiss instead.
Sev kissed her back, but pulled away after a moment to ask, "All right?"
"Bloody fantastic," she answered, grinning.
Severus smiled and kissed her again, waiting a little longer to carefully pull out of her while she somewhat reluctantly unwrapped her legs from his waist.
She always hated the empty feeling afterwards, but she loved the lingering soreness that would remind her for hours that Sev had been inside her, had made love to her again.
He removed the condom and tied it off, tossing it towards the waste bin. He grabbed his boxers out of the pile of discarded clothing and pulled them on before laying back down next to her. "Can I stay?" he asked quietly.
"You don't have to ask," she said, turning her head to catch his eyes. He was wearing that cautious but impossibly fond expression as he looked at her, and she didn't want him to ever stop looking at her like that. She didn't bother retrieving her clothes, she just moved closer to Sev, tucking herself into the warm embrace of his arms. "Is it too early to go to sleep?" she asked.
Sev huffed a quiet laugh, then said, "I don't even know what day it is, let alone what time. Sun's going down though," he said nodding towards the window.
Lily thought that maybe she should be more concerned about his answer, but instead she just pulled the sheet over the two of them and then settled back against Sev, and said, "Good enough for me. Night, Sev."
Severus pressed a kiss to the top of her head, then murmured back, "Goodnight, Lily."
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
James made a valiant attempt to entertain himself while he gave Sev and Evans time to themselves, even though it was maddening to know they were just two rooms over doing who know what. He tried to read a book but couldn't keep his concentration long enough to make it past more than a few pages. He put a record on, and that was better—it was one of the Beatles albums that his dad had been so enamored with for the past decade or so, and which James had developed a fondness for as well after hearing it so many times.
He didn't really know much Muggle music. He only knew the Beatles because of his dad, and Elvis Presley because of his mum's obsession with him (Dad teased her about it all the time and pretended he was worried she would run off and leave him for Elvis because he was younger and famous). Maybe Sev and Evans could introduce him to more Muggle music—something a little more to his own tastes, maybe. And damn it, now he was thinking about them again.
James sighed. It was probably late enough to have dinner, but he was reluctant to interrupt Sev and Evans, even though she'd said she would make sure Sev ate better while she was here. He felt a little stab of something that wasn't quite jealousy at that—at the implication that he wasn't taking good enough care of Sev. Evans hadn't even been here for the worst of it—she didn't know how hard it had been just to get Sev to take the damned nutrient potions on a regular basis. And damn it, he was still dwelling on Sev and Evans.
He sighed again, then called, "Tally?"
Tally popped into his room, and asked in a squeaky voice, "How can Tally be helping?"
"Can you make something for Sev and Evans in case they want dinner? Just put a heating charm on it and leave it on a cart outside her door, don't interrupt them."
"Yes, Master James. And you will be wanting dinner too?" she asked.
James shrugged.
Tally tilted her head, giving him a rather confused look. Then she perked up and suggested, "Big plate of macaroni and cheese for Master James?"
He smiled and said, "Sure, Tally. Thanks."
Tally nodded and popped away, returning seconds later with a plate of macaroni for him, then popping away again.
Once she left, James sat down on his bed with the plate of food, balancing it in his lap and pushing the macaroni around with a fork. He wasn't really hungry. He was…sort of jealous actually. And disappointed. He hadn't counted on Sev and Evans shutting themselves in a room and ignoring him completely. And apparently he was dejected enough that even the bloody house-elf had noticed and offered him his favorite comfort food.
He sighed again, setting the plate of macaroni on his nightstand. They would remember him eventually. Or Sev would have a panic attack and need James to calm him down. Or Evans would go looking for the library on her own and get lost and need him to escort her back. Something. Not that he actually wanted either of those things to happen, he just—wanted to be needed, wanted to matter to them.
Whatever. He wasn't going to go beg for their attention, he decided as his stubborn streak reared its head. He would stay right here in his room, and entertain himself, and not be even a little bit jealous.
The Beatles record stopped, and James realized he'd been sitting on his bed just moping for longer than he'd thought. As he watched, the enchanted record player lifted the needle off, and the record floated up and flipped over before lowering itself back into place. The needle repositioned, and the B side started to play.
James sighed again, then reached for the plate of macaroni and took a few bites. It wasn't hot anymore, but it was room temperature and actually still quite delicious. He finished the macaroni, and the record flipped again, and the sun started to set, and neither Sev nor Evans had come looking for him yet.
Fuck it, James decided. He was going to sleep. Nothing better to do. He changed into pajamas, then shut off the record player and turned out the lights. He climbed into his bed that felt way too empty after over a week of sharing it with Severus.
James tried not to think about Sev, or think about anything, and closed his eyes and fell into a restless sleep.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Severus startled awake at the sound of a loud POP. The room was dark and the windows were on the wrong wall and as he sat up in bed he realized Lily was sleeping half on top of him, and he'd woken her up now too. Oh, right—he was in Lily's guest room rather than James' room. Lily sat up next to him, sleepily looking around for the source of the noise.
"Sev?" a panicked voice asked, but it wasn't Lily's. "Sev, are you there?"
"James? What—?" Sev's question was cut off by an insistent hug that was a bit too tight as James practically threw himself at him, nearly hyperventilating.
Lily was fully awake now and she demanded, "What the hell, Potter?"
Sev glanced over and saw that she'd pulled the bed sheet up to cover herself since she hadn't bothered to get dressed before falling asleep with him earlier, but James wasn't even trying to look at her.
"You're all right," James was saying over and over into the crook of Sev's neck, still hugging him tightly as if he thought Sev was going to disappear.
"I'm all right," Severus echoed, bringing one of James' hands up to press it against his chest, then taking deep, deliberate breaths the way James had done with him whenever he'd panicked. "Breathe, James."
Tally piped up from the floor, "Master James should be taking the Calming Draught." She was nervously shifting her weight from one foot to the other, gripping a bottle of potion between her hands.
James shook his head against Sev's collarbone, and he didn't let go or pull away, but his breathing seemed to be slowing down to a less panicked rate. "No, I'm fine," he protested. "I just—fuck—just needed to know you were all right, Sev."
Sev blinked and it finally clicked. "Another nightmare?" he asked quietly. It had been a few days since Sev had noticed him having one, and James usually didn't react anywhere near this badly. Usually he just held Sev and caught his breath and gradually calmed down and went back to sleep.
James nodded against him, then let out a shuddery breath and said, "Bad one."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Sev asked, feeling rather useless.
James shook his head 'no' against Sev's neck, then paused and tentatively nodded instead.
"Go on," Sev said quietly, running one hand through James' messy hair in a comforting gesture.
Sev glanced sideways at Lily, and nodded towards the end of the bed where most of their clothes had ended up earlier. Lily glanced at James to make sure his face was still buried in Sev's shoulder, then she quickly grabbed one of the tee shirts—Sev couldn't tell if it was his or her own in the darkness—and pulled it on before digging somewhat frantically through the sheets before finally finding her panties and putting them back on too.
"It was—" James started but then trailed off for a moment before starting over. "I dreamed that I woke up, inside the dream, and all of this—you surviving and living here—all of this was the really the dream and you'd actually died, and it felt so fucking real, and I didn't even know what happened until Hogwarts started and I couldn't find you at King's Cross and Evans was crying on the train. And then when the train took off I looked out the window and your dad was standing on the platform with blood all over his hands and giving me this dead evil grin and—" he cut off abruptly with another shuddery breath. "And then I woke up again and you weren't there next to me and I couldn't tell which one was real."
Sev pressed a kiss to the top of his head and said, "This is real, James. I'm here."
Tally spoke up again, still insisting, "Master James should take the Calming Draught."
James shook his head again and mumbled, "Don't want it. You can go, Tally. Sorry to scare you."
Tally stood there nervously for another moment, then she rather reluctantly popped away. The Calming Draught stayed behind, pointedly sitting on the nightstand closest to Severus.
James finally lifted his head from Sev's shoulder, and he finally seemed to realize Lily was in the bed too—he blinked, then his mouth dropped open and he said, "Merlin, I'm sorry, Evans, I wasn't thinking—I didn't mean to freak you out. I'll go—"
"James—" Sev started, but Lily interrupted.
"Potter, stay," she insisted.
Sev and James both blinked at her in surprise. Her expression was a blend of sympathy and concern, and she was biting her lip but looked determined.
"Just, lay down," she said, scooting closer to the edge of her side of the bed. "Sev, stay in the middle. And Potter, if you try to touch me you're getting punched directly in the face. Got it?"
James blinked at her and then nodded, still looking rather stunned. Lily laid down, turning onto her side with her back to them both.
"Come on," Sev murmured, moving to the middle of the bed and tugging James with him, "lay down." He felt inexpressibly grateful towards Lily for not making him choose between sleeping beside her and being there for James so he wouldn't panic again if he had another nightmare.
James swallowed, then laid down on the edge of the bed next to Severus. He stared up at the ceiling at first, but then leaned up to peer over Severus and look at Lily's tense back. After a moment, James dropped his head back down to the pillow and let out a shaky laugh, "I'm kind of wondering if I'm still dreaming right now, to be honest."
"This is real," Severus repeated. He remembered how he'd needed to hear that over and over to ground him at first. "I'm alive, and I'm here, and this is real, James."
"And Evans just told me to get in bed with you two—I don't know, still kind of sounds like a dream," he said, but there was a hint of humor to his tone now, and that was probably a good sign.
"I also threatened to punch you," Lily said without turning around.
James let out a quiet breath that might've meant to be a laugh, then he said, "Yeah, there's that."
"Go to sleep, Potter," Lily said, and her voice was a little softer, a little kinder this time.
"All right… goodnight, Evans," James said quietly, sounding mildly stunned as though he'd never expected to tell her that while laying in the same bed.
Severus smiled and leaned over to press a brief kiss to James' lips. "Goodnight, James."
"Goodnight, love," James murmured back, turning onto his side and throwing one arm around Severus, his head resting on Sev's chest.
Severus didn't fall asleep right away—he laid there and listened to James' breathing slowly even out and deepen as he fell back asleep.
Some indeterminable amount of time later, Lily rolled over to face Severus and caught his eye.
Lily glanced at James, then met Sev's eyes again, quirking her brow at him as if to silently ask, 'is he really all right?'
Sev replied with a slight nod and a slow blink that he hoped conveyed, 'everything is fine, go back to sleep.'
Lily gave him a small smile, then leaned closer to press a brief kiss to his lips. When she laid back down beside him, she stayed close and reached for his hand to entwine with one of hers, giving him one more affectionate smile before she closed her eyes.
Severus smiled up at the ceiling—he had Lily next to him on one side, and James draped halfway on top of him on the other side, and he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this happy. A tiny, cynical voice in the back of his mind whispered that it wouldn't last, it never did—but Severus just told the voice to fuck off, then he gently squeezed Lily's hand and pressed one more kiss to the top of James' head before closing his eyes and letting himself drift into sleep, a trace of a smile still lingering on his lips.
A/N: Don't get too excited, they aren't going to wake up and have a threesome…yet. LOL.
Comments/thoughts/reactions are very welcome! Let me know what you think :)