Part 1: Letting Go

In their early youth, Mia, Kate, and Anastasia frequented the grove of ancient pine oak and cherry trees behind the Grey's property. The shade of the trees, its clinging vines, and fruit served as endless entertainment for the little girls. Anastasia had many fond memories of that safe haven, more so than the imposing mansion that loomed over it.

Between hide-and-seek, tag, and their infinite imaginations — some days the trio would be occupied from sunrise to sunset. Their mothers were thankful for the reprieve and often had brunch on the cobbled-stoned patio overlooking the children. The Grey's maid, Mrs. Jones, only called them in for supper. Although in their adulthood they appreciated fine dining, as children, the cursed call to dinner meant the end of a fantastical day. It was there in that grove that the three girls developed an inseparable bond akin to sisters. Sharing their deepest darkest secrets and fortifying each other's dreams for the rest of their lives.

On the opposing end of the Grey's property was the conservatory, lake, stable, and plains. A similar tale is to be had there. Three rowdy boys, Ethan, Elliot, and Christian ran amuck. To the girl's dismay, their fathers took them for trots around the fields on their mutually owned horses. They played golf, rode horses, and fished when they were not getting into fights.

Their parents found that when the six children were in one section of the estate, trouble increased threefold. One too many times, one of the girls had ran, tears streaming down her face, to security. The burly guard, Taylor, had become quite distraught to constantly find tear-streaked little girls tugging on his sleeves. After he relayed the message to Mrs. Jones, the Kavanaghs, Greys, and Steeles agreed to keep the two groups separated during playtime.

As the children grew, their curiosity blurred the lines of the long-held agreement. On occasion, Anastasia would lay, belly down on the soft vibrant grass at the edge of the grove to watch the boys play. She took notice of their three wildly different personalities early on. The good-natured Ethan, free-spirited Elliot, and stoic Christian. Her observations grew from curiosity into a great affliction that would hold her for many years to come.

It was Christian and the way he held himself. The grace of his steps, the confidence of his posture, and the concise way that he spoke. The stark contrast between Christian and the gangly Elliot and shy Ethan couldn't have been more pronounced. Each day her innocent surveying slowly developed into unwavering devotion. Christian Grey became the crux of her life. It became the kind of love that hurts so bad that you pray for the universe to give you any reason not to feel that way. Yet, everything fate threw at her only made it worse.

The way his jawline grew in, the way his grey eyes softened in color, his small ticks like folding his hands in front of him while standing — much like she watched Taylor do in his youth. And when he spoke, Lord when he spoke. Her knees could barely support the weight of her affection. Deliberate, yet soft spoken. Thoughtful. She longed to hear her name wrapped around his tongue and when she did, it only fortified her feelings for him.

At first, this infatuation was a driving point for Ana to move through life. They shared many days together, birthdays, family milestones, and holidays. Christian loved to make her laugh and in return Ana's devotion knew no bounds.

But moving into their teens, the ugly pain of wasted love reared its head.

Christian was an angry young man, expelled from three different schools as he struggled with his demons. Oxymorons like feeling inadequate but holding the arrogance of youth. His temper and proclivity towards violence only increased. This didn't happen from lack of support. His friends and family reached out on multiple occasions. Ana reached out to provide a lending hand and a listening ear, but none of it helped. Ana nearly made herself insane with the possibility of Christian driving himself into the ground. She knew he was destined for great things; anything less was him not living up to his potential. She told him time and time again, but it wasn't getting through to him.

Christian eventually came around. Grace and Carrick, his mother and father, attributed the change to the Lincolns who put him on the right path. That's when Ana really lost him. He spent much of his time helping Mrs. Elena Lincoln in another part of Washington away from those who were once close to him. Under Elena's tutelage, he amassed a fortune that surpassed even his ancestors' wealth. Ana barely saw or spoke to him during his rise to the top. The Greys were a family that was already well-off, but Christian's hardwork and wit brought him to the status of a billionaire.

His busy life drove them further apart. Ana could feel them growing more and more distant, but she still held tightly onto the budding feeling of her youth. Yet, the sad truth of it all was that it was deeply unreciprocated. In fact, those around Anastasia began to notice, in his recent years, that when Christian did happen to address Ana directly, he did so with evident disdain. Her awe of him not only confounded Christian, it made his opinion of her drop to new-found lows. At every turn, he lamented not being able to rid himself of her prying eyes and persistent inquiries.

Grace found the earnest Anastasia endearing and disapproved of Christian's attitude — even sometimes chastising him for his occasional rude remark. Christian just thought his mother was encouraging Ana to continue her unhealthy obsession and unhealthy it was.

Ana was tearing herself apart. Even she began to recognize his cold demeanor towards her in their final days together. Worshipping him so, she could only assume the issue laid with her. Perhaps it was her small frame, or how easily she flushed in front of him, maybe it was the tenor of her voice — maybe it was the combination of all of her features together. Maybe it was just her.

What made Ana hold onto hope was that Christian was never spotted with another woman. This was the topic of frequent discussions between the Greys, Kavanaghs, and Steeles. For such a handsome, young, and rich man, nobody had smelled a whiff of romance in the air around Christian Grey. Ana held onto the belief that maybe he was waiting for the one and maybe she could be it.

Christian's cruelty wiped that belief off the face of the earth. Finished with Ana's infatuation with him, he decided to show her exactly where he stood regarding relationships one fateful day. In preparation for his parent's charity ball, Coping Together, he told her to stop by so Taylor could act as their chauffeur.

"It would be nice to talk on the way there, it's been a while, Ana." He told her; his malicious intent drowned in fake sincerity.

He could hear the excitement in her voice, even through the phone, "Would love to Christian, I'll be there around five?"

"That's perfect."

He had his girlfriend over, Leila, they had spent the better part of the afternoon screwing on every surface in Escala. Taylor, God bless his heart, had the audacity to ask Christian if he really wanted to let Ana into the apartment. Christian could see the clear disapproval on his face, but demanded it, nonetheless.

Wearing her best attire, a silky red dress and black pumps, Ana exited the elevator into Christian's apartment. She stood awkwardly in the foyer, at a loss once Taylor left her there. He usually guided her to the right room, but she found herself peeking around corners and listening.

She called at first, "Christian!?" With no response she followed a sound in the distance. As she climbed the stairs, she heard grunting in the guest bedroom. Stepping in front of the door frame, she exclaimed once more, "Christian?" She was granted with the image of Christian on top of a naked woman, his pants at his knees, thrusting into her.

"Ana?" Christian feigned surprise. He stood up to bring his pants back on while Leila covered her body with the bedsheets. Ana gasped and stepped back in horror. She immediately removed herself from the floor, booking it to the elevator.

Christian followed her down, speaking to her retreating figure he spat out, "I apologize Ana, I didn't mean for you to see that." He wasn't sorry. He did mean for her to see that. This will finally end the absurd fantasies of a little girl. This is reality Ana.

It takes an extraordinary amount of skill and composure for her to pull off her response without falling apart in front of him, but she does it, "I can see that you have company, sorry to intrude. I can make it to the ball without you."

Christian knew the gentlemanly thing to do would be to offer a ride, but sitting in a car with her did not appeal to him. He acquiesced, "I will meet you there."

When she turned to press the elevator buttons, Christian saw her face clearly. Her soft blue eyes were filled to the brim with unshed tears, her brow was crumpled in grief.

In recognizing the pain he had caused, Christian felt the weight of his deed on his shoulders in full force, an uncomfortable feeling he had never felt before. It washed over him the moment the elevator door closed, he felt sick, her expression and state were burned permanently into his head.

Taylor was waiting at the bottom floor for Ana. He expected to see her in this state, distraught, face covered in tears. It brought him back to his days guarding the three girls. But this time she wasn't small enough to tug at his sleeves. He gingerly guided her back to her car. He did not have much words to say, but the contempt he felt for Mr. Grey in that moment was nearly unmatched.

When Christian arrived at the ball, no date in hand. Ana was not there. Upon asking his mother, he's told she fell ill and apologized for not being able to make it. Although, he hears that she did make a sizable donation despite her absence. Christian wasn't exactly sure how to feel about it, sure he wanted Ana off his tail, but he honestly didn't want to ruin her day.

How utterly oblivious he was to the life-changing event he triggered.

Ana's life was no longer as she knew it or dreamt it to be. The scene replayed itself again and again in her head, haunting her for what would unfortunately be the rest of her life. She could allow no possibility that this was a mistake. Christian had invited her over and being the punctual man that he was, this event was no mishap. Christian having a lover was admittedly devastating, but the cruelty of his actions was what horrified her even more. How could a man be so callous… so disturbed?

She needed to reevaluate her life and the presumptions she put in place. Instead of going to university in Washington, maybe that offer she got in Dartmouth wasn't so bad. Instead of wanting to be around family, maybe experiencing a life outside of her closed world was more appropriate. A life away from him.

So, she left. She took the very next flight to New Hampshire. She kept in touch with Kate, but with Mia, things were complicated. She adored Mia but did not want to hear a drip of information about him. With the way that she felt, she didn't want a drip of information about her situation to make its way to him either and she told Mia as much.

The first few months away from Seattle were excruciatingly painful, but she didn't spend her time there wallowing in self-pity. It worked out well in her five years away. Her father Ray missed her dearly, but they still talked over the phone often. And although her mother Carla, no longer lived in Washington after their divorce, she still kept in touch with Ana as well.

Ana got a Master's in English Literature and founded a successful publishing house that focused on eBooks and the like: Steele Publishing. She wasn't at her peak but was still able to buy a modest apartment in New Hampshire and buy three meals a day, so in her eyes not so bad.

Although she had her share of boyfriends during her first couple years in college, she found those relationships to be unsuccessful and to be further confirmation that maybe she simply wasn't made to be married. She was at peace with that and her rottweiler Hardy.

She was blissfully unaware that this time in her life was yet another calm before the storm.

While chopping up celery for a Sunday meal, Ana got a call from a hospital in Washington. Ray had put her down as an emergency contact, he was in grave condition. A heart attack they said. She wasted no time finding a dog sitter and booking a flight to the one place she promised never to set foot in again: Seattle.

Throughout the years with Ana missing, Christian was constantly reminded of how he left things between them. His actions had an effect he did not foresee. He successfully rid himself of Anastasia Steele, so much so she moved across the country away from him. He didn't expect or want that moment in Escala to be her one remaining memory of him — but he didn't get to complain about that, it was his choice after all. He always recalled the memory now with a sharp tinge of regret. Perhaps he was too harsh on her. This was Ana, the girl who treated him with nothing but respect and kindness. Her intentions were always transparent and honest. He could not say the same for himself.

He found he was even more alone than he was previously. He didn't realize the impact of her presence until she was gone. There were little things that he had failed to realize she touched. The Grey's house had a lot less laughter and no visitors. When he arrived to his parents' house, he didn't realize it wasn't Mrs. Jones who put out his coffee and muffin — that was Ana. And his favorite event to watch at Halloween, apple bobbing, was also hosted by Ana. The heartfelt birthday and holiday cards and genuine hugs… that was Ana.

And with all of these small realizations came the empty void that she left. He never asked his mother or Mia if Ana asked them to, but they never spoke her name once in front of him after the Coping Together ball that dreadful year. The first few months, it grated on him. Her unspoken name was louder than anything Grace could have screamed at him. He wondered if she told them what he had done.

The gnawing in his gut finally led him to mention her at Mia's birthday that year. He knew Mia and Ana were close, yet he hadn't heard a whisper of her name that day.

"Did Ana wish you a happy birthday?" He had asked, trying to seem nonchalant as he attempted to cut her cake without destroying it. He failed miserably — at both the nonchalance and cake-cutting.

Mia frowned, he didn't know if it was his question or the cake he just cut into multiple uneven squares, "No."

Her one-word response fueled his curiosity even more, "No? Are you and Ana okay?" Is Ana okay?

Mia stared at Christian for a moment, her expression was unreadable to him, "Don't worry about us Christian, nothing can tear us apart."

Christian wanted to pull his hair out at this point, his sister was giving him nothing to go off on. He thought of a way to continue the topic, but Mia was eager to move on.

"Well? Are you going to hand the birthday girl her cake?" Mia held out her dish.

Christian sheepishly took a slice and placed it on her plate. She turned to leave. Christian stood just as confused as he was before the conversation. He hoped he didn't put a strain on his sister's friendship with Ana.

The silence around Ana continued for another few months, which prompted Christian to actively try to reach out to her. Maybe a consolatory friendly text would give him some answers as to her whereabouts. He decided to send a Happy Holidays text on Christmas Eve, sending out a simple, "Happy Holidays, hope you've been okay!" It was immediately followed by a delivery failure notification. She changed her number.

He asked his sister Mia for the new one, but she said she didn't have it. He wanted to argue with her but left it at that. However, the topic came up again on Christmas. After sleeping over at his parents' house, he woke up early to pee. He heard giggling through Mia's bedroom door, but no other voices. He thought little of it on his way to the bathroom, but upon coming back he caught a snippet of the conversation.

"So… how is Hardy?" Mia questioned. "That is too cute."

He wondered who Hardy is and what's "too cute." He stopped outside of her door.

"Ana, I'm fine. Don't worry about it okay? I understand."

At the sound of her name, Christian opened the door. He caught Mia standing in the middle of the room with her phone pressed to her ear.

"I got to go, someone's here. Yep, okay bye!"

Christian was practically seething, but tried to control his voice, "I thought you said you didn't have Ana's number?"

"Are you listening in on my conversations?" Mia looked thoroughly irritated.

"You lied to me."

"I just got her number last night Christian."

Christian didn't know whether to believe her or not but didn't want to start a fight. He sighed, "Text it to me, okay? I haven't heard from her in a while."

"Knock next time." Mia rolled her eyes.

She never sent the number. It's then that Christian was certain that she's been avoiding him on purpose. Ana was avoiding him. He took the hint and tried to continue on. Only he couldn't shake it. It tainted the following years for him in more ways than he could admit. Whenever he brought home a woman, he found himself staring at Ana in the Escala elevator again, her eyes filled with tears. He was disgusted with himself and he could never follow through. After the fourth woman this happened with, he gave up bringing them home all together. He always knew he was broken, but at least he could feel somewhat gratified with pleasures of the flesh. Now, he couldn't even have that.

Ana's arrival to Seattle was hectic, but she made it to Ray's bedside post-surgery. An enormous sense of relief filled her upon touching his hand. She wouldn't have forgiven herself if he died alone. She is warmed by the visitors who arrived shortly after: Kate, Mia, and Grace. Although Kate and Mia had visited New Hampshire — Ana had not caught sight of Grace in a long time.

"You are as stunning as ever my dear." Grace stood back after giving Ana a hug, "I really wish you would visit Washington more often." Her eyes bore a tinge of sadness.

"Thank you, Mrs. Grey." Ana offered a small smile.

"How is Ray?" Kate was anxious, Ana had called her before leaving New Hampshire, distraught.

"The doctor said they had to place two stents in his arteries, but the procedure went smoothly."

"That's good news Ana, please let us know if you need anything." Mia nodded, pulling Ana in for a hug as well.

"Thank you, Mia," Ana responded with her chin on Mia's shoulder, "you all coming is helpful enough."

They all stayed for a good hour before retreating to their homes. Ana spent many nights sleeping on hospital couches until Ray was discharged. Ray insisted that Ana no longer needed to stay, but she wanted to keep a close eye on him for at least another month before leaving.

The holiday season rolls around again and Ana finds herself being invited to the Grey's Thanksgiving. She respectfully declined, opting to stay in and keep Ray company.

Mia is not pleased, "Ana, it's been five years since you've stepped foot in our house. You can't stay away forever, bring Ray if that's what you're concerned about!"

"Mia, I don't think Ray is up for it. I really shouldn't leave him alone for too long." Even Ana knew it sounded like bullshit, but it was preferable to seeing him.

Eventually, Mia relented. Ana thought she was in the clear but come Thanksgiving she caught Ray sprucing up in the afternoon. He had a dress shirt and pants on and was combing his hair.

Ana is perplexed, "Where are you going?"

Ray paused, eyes meeting Ana's, "Mia called me, she invited us to Thanksgiving. I thought she told you already?"

That woman. Ana silently cursed. She looked down to her pajamas, then back up to Ray, "I didn't think you wanted to go. You sure you don't want to stay home and rest?"

"Ana, it's Thanksgiving. Let's not be rude."

Her heart dropped. She couldn't bring this up to Ray, she hadn't told anyone about what she saw. What little Mia and Kate did know was that she did not want to talk to Christian. Numbly, she fumbled through her old closet — she didn't pack for formal occasions. She found her old red dress, it's snug but it was the only formal clothes she had. Putting on her silver earrings and letting her hair down, she at least felt passable.

Pulling into the Grey's driveway brought a flood of memories back for Ana. The nostalgia was strong there. According to Mia, it would be a small gathering today. The Kavanaghs, Greys, and Steeles — as it had always been. It was already an hour into the celebration, groupings of guests were scattered about the dining room and parlor. Ana and Ray were greeted by Grace and Carrick at the front door, both were utterly ecstatic.

To Ana's relief, she noticed no sign of him. She gravitated towards Kate and Mia. She saw the mischievous glint in Mia's eyes, "Ana!" Her friend stood up to half hug her and pull her down onto the sofa to sit next to them.

"Look who decided to show up." Kate looked impressed and half-drunk already, wine glass in hand. Elliot had his arm wrapped around her too.

When did that happen? Ana was lost in thought. She's interrupted by her old friend Ethan.

"Ana? Is that you?"

Christian was running late; he had a meeting that went overtime. As much as his family was a pain in the ass, he couldn't wait to take a seat at Thanksgiving and unwind; he was starving. Pulling up, he noticed an SUV he didn't recognize the owner of. He hoped Mia didn't get out of hand with the invites this year. He wasn't interested in small talk with a stranger. Taylor let Christian out of the car and opened the front door. He didn't knock to enter his family's house.

His father greeted him with a pat on the back and began leading him to the dining room. Yet, crossing the parlor Christian froze mid-step. Ethan was talking to an unmistakable figure with amber hair and a tiny frame. She wore the same dress that he last saw her in, Ana.

Carrick looked back to see his son staring, "Oh yes! Ana's finally back in town, Ray's been having heart troubles." He said the second part softly so as to not intrude.

Snapping himself out of his trance, Christian simply nodded and continued on to the dining room. He was no longer hungry. He fixed himself a glass of brandy and pretended to be comprehending anything his father was telling him. His view remained on Ana.

Ethan was laughing at something she said, and gently cupping her waist. Something stirred in him he wasn't quite sure of.

"Christian? Christian?"

Christian turned to his father; he didn't catch a lick of what was just said. He nodded his head in false affirmation.

"I'm going to drink some whisky on the balcony, come join if you want some." Carrick retreated.

At this rate I'm going to be drunk by 7. Christian took a sip of his brandy.

For the remainder of dinner, Ana didn't so much as look towards Christian's direction. Somehow he expected her to come over to him to chat, but the longer he waited the more sure he was that it wouldn't happen. He didn't know what he predicted to happen, but the thought that Ana might hate him was abominable. He just wanted her to stop pursuing him, he never wanted to hurt the poor girl.

Resolved, he decided to make the first move. Finally imposing on Ana's circle, Christian stiffly offered a handshake, "Ana." She turned her attention to Christian once he stepped practically right in front of Ethan mid-conversation. Ethan took a step back, silently perturbed.

Christian caught the slight frown on Ana's lips as she reached out her hand, completing a flaccid handshake. The awkwardness of the encounter was not lost on Christian or anyone in the vicinity.

"It's been a while." He continued. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Ana allowed herself to give Christian a once over. He was looking quite formal in a grey suit and brown leather shoes. His grey eyes reminded her of a time where she would've given the world to him. But that was long ago. She could only remember their cruelty now.

"Yes, it has."

"What have you been up to?"

"Publishing." Out of respect to Grace and Carrick, Ana played along for the time being.

"Oh? You always loved books; I didn't realize you've been writing all this time." Christian recalled Ana being a bookworm. He'd find her in the grove with a novel in hand too many times to count.

"Not writing Christian, she's got a publishing company." Ethan stepped to Christian's side to get back into the conversation.

Fuck off. Christian is embarrassed by his incorrect presumption. The bitterness of his thoughts towards Ethan even shocked him. He didn't realize he held any ill feelings towards the man, but the way he effortlessly stepped back into Ana's life was a slap in the face.

Christian's smile is tight now, "Even more impressive Ms. Steele, you've been very busy. It's wonderful to see you again. I heard what happened to your father, how are things going?"

"Thank you, he's getting better and better each day."

"Please let me know if I can do anything." Christian was sincere in his offer; he knew Ray had been a part of his family before he was even born. And how much he means to Ana.

"Thank you Christian." Ana appreciated the politeness.

Hearing her say his name again made his heart jump. He disapproved of the feeling. Before he could get another sentence in, Kate tugged Ana away to meet Mia upstairs, leaving him with Ethan.

"She sure has grown in just five years!" Ethan clapped Christian on the back. Christian plainly registered that he was staring at her ass as she walked away.

"That's Ana." Christian glared at Ethan. They both grew up with her, watched her play with dollhouses, and watched her cry to Taylor when they wouldn't let her play with them.

"Time has changed things." Ethan sighed.

Christian is forced to admit to himself, she did grow into that dress of her's. But shaking off their 20 plus years of childhood together would not come as easily to him as it obviously did to Ethan.

Instead of staying in what Christian would call Ethan's insufferable company, he joined his father for whiskey on the porch. He's shortly liquored up and chatting to his father about their next possible vacation in Alaska: remote Salmon fishing, some of the best skiing, and unparalleled sights. He almost managed to forget that Ana was mere feet away from him, with Mia upstairs. Ray joined the two men as well, making the topic of Ana unavoidable.

After handing Ray another glass of whiskey and moving past the topic of his surgery, the old man couldn't help but mention his daughter, "She's been more than helpful. I can't say it enough. My Annie is a God send."

Carrick smiled, thinking of his daughter Mia, "Any man will be lucky to have her."

Oh God. Christian drummed his fingers on the rim of his crystal glass, he really didn't want to get anymore drunk, but he'll need it for this. He brought the cup up to his lips once more.

"Ah, scoundrels, the lot of them." Ray dismissed with a wave of his hand, "The last bloke she dated slept with half the population of Hanover. Men aren't up to snuff these days. With few exceptions." Ray smiled at Christian.

Christian nearly choked on his whiskey.

Carrick looked appalled, "Those college types are a rowdy bunch, aren't they?"

Ray snorted after another sip, "'Rowdy' is being generous."

"They'll learn eventually." Christian spoke. I know I did. Christian hasn't slept with another woman in years. Not after the incident.

The party winded down afterwards, with Christian thoroughly drunk. Ray took his leave, excusing Ana as well. Christian couldn't even garner the will to say goodbye to her or watch her leave out the front entrance. After eating a cold piece of turkey, he knocked out on the living room sofa.

The following week was equally torturous for Christian. Mia insisted on having him bring along Kate, Ethan, and Ana to an upper-echelon steakhouse he was given a membership to. He swore his sister was out to get him with her constant machinations. The whole event included Kate and Mia talking about Seattle's latest fashion trends while Ethan was trying desperately to win Ana's affections. How is it that he felt like the outsider in his own domain? He tried not to show his sour mood, but Ethan's constant rattling was wearing him down.

"It has a stunning view overlooking the lake and their cocktails are not half bad, I could take you there come Christmas." Ethan grinned, cutting into his porterhouse steak.

Christian stiffened at Ethan's appraisal of the new restaurant overlooking Lake Washington. He'd been taken there on a few occasions and was not impressed. Their wine and menu selection includes only two options: garbage or utter shit.

"We're hosting Christmas at our place Ana; Mom has gone above and beyond this year. I think she's expecting you." Christian pitched in, silently hoping to get Ethan to lay off.

Ana poked at her vegetables. Christian noticed she'd only eaten one piece of a carrot the past thirty minutes but had been listening attentively to each of her friends.

"That sounds lovely." She gave a halfhearted smile.

Bothered by her lack of appetite, he finally broached the topic, "Are you okay? You've barely touched your plate. We can get you something else if you don't like the steak. It's on me."

"No thank you, it's delicious." Ana took another bite of her meal to try to prove a point. Christian could see she could barely get it down her gullet.

After a few more awkward conversations, the friends opted to leave for the night. Ana had the audacity to try to pay the bill for all of them when they left, which Christian quickly denied. She really wants nothing to do with me. He was beginning to see that she was getting under his skin each passing day.

It only grew in the days to come. He found himself dreaming of her in more ways than one: old times in the grove, her laughter as he chased her, in his teens, as she implored him to get his life back on track, of the night at Escala, when he marred their long-lasting friendship. All with varying outcomes, sometimes her death with him clinging to her cold body, sometimes making love to her in their current years. He was disturbed by the images, but even more disturbed with the sexual urges he began to feel after a carnal dream of her. Even after guiltily pleasuring himself to the thought of having her, it did little to abate the cravings he had. His libido was at an all-time high and his thoughts were incessant. Yet, he still battled with his old self, the other Christian who saw Ana as off-limits and an annoyance.

Maybe, he could indulge himself for one night. Just one night. He promised himself. He told himself that maybe if he had her, he could move on. Maybe her refusal of him was what was getting to him, he insisted. Her potential return to Hanover could be soon, Christian knew he had to start moving fast. Maybe his meddling sister could help him in this matter.

Christian began his efforts by talking to Carrick about the possibility of the Steeles, Greys, and Kavanaghs taking that trip to Alaska. His treat of course. Initially, it sounded like a good plan to Christian, but Carrick reminded his son that Ray was in no state to travel on a plane. Christian suggested inviting Ana's mother in his stead but leaving an ill Ray to go vacationing in Alaska would most certainly not happen.

Something near then, like White Pass would have to do. Still ideal for skiing and a place Christian was sure he could rent an enormous lodge in. Carrick seemed to like this idea better and agreed to speak to Grace about it before contacting the other families. After beginning that matter, Christian had a little peace of mind before returning back to work.

He got a call back from his sister a couple of days later, saying that Ana could not come. He suspected it was because of Ray's condition and began working out a plan. Christian mentioned in passing, trying his best to appear casual, that White Pass had medics on-call because of tourist ski accidents, but he honestly wasn't sure at the time. He'd hire a discreet one if it really came down to that. After having his assistant Andrea book a lodge, he urged Mia to send the lodge photos to all of the families.

Still, Ana refused his sister's attempts to invite her. It is then that Christian asked to personally talk to her. Stubborn woman. He lamented. Mia reluctantly gave Christian Ana's phone number. On his next lunch break, he gave her a call.

"Hello?" Christian heard Ana pipe up over the phone.

"Ana, it's Christian."

There was a pause. "Oh… Christian."

Christian couldn't help but to feel hurt by the obvious disappointment, but moved forward, "Yes, just calling about that vacation Mia has been talking to you about. She has been telling me you can't come to the lodge at White Pass this coming week. We would love to have you, is it Ray you're worried about?"

He heard rustling on the other end, then Ana's response, "Yes, I just don't feel comfortable having him at such a remote location. He should really be at home."

Christian repeated what he told Mia, "We have medics on-call if anything should happen."

"I really don't think so Christian."

He heard the disdain dripping from her voice. He knew at this point that this was non-negotiable. He tried his best to make a concession before ending the call, "I'm sorry to hear that. Well please feel free to visit us even if you can't stay the night. Think of it as a holiday celebration, Christmas is around the corner."

"I appreciate it Christian, thank you."

Ana hung up first. She glanced at her father snoring on their living room chair. Although she was concerned for her father, it certainly wasn't him that was stopping her from taking up Christian's offer. Just the thought of staying a week in the same house as Christian Grey gave Ana anxiety. She made her choice long ago and would try her best to uphold it, to move on.

This time, Ana made sure to let Ray know ahead of time that she would not be attending less Mia should have any bright ideas like last time.

Mia still persisted on a visit, "Will you at least be coming on Christmas? Please Ana, there's a jacuzzi, skiing, and Mrs. Jones is tagging along too. You know what that means, we're in for a feast! We'll have a grand time. Then there's the booze… we—"

"I'll think about it." Ana relented, cutting her off.

"Oh, Ana. Perfect! Maybe we can pry Kate off Elliot to take a hike too."

"I said I'll think about it." Ana reminded her.

After a Christmas breakfast and opening presents with Ray, Ana headed out to White Pass to visit the Greys and Kavanaghs. She felt antsy leaving Ray, but he preferred to stay in for the remainder of the day. The enormous log cabin was easy to find and thankfully a warm haven from the falling snow outside.

"Merry Christmas!" Mia hugged her first.

The rest of the family followed. Except Christian, he stood at the kitchen countertop assessing Ana. He was pleased by her presence, but not confident he could get what he wanted tonight. He would do what he could regardless.

What followed was a magnificent feast courtesy of Mrs. Jones and Grace: turkey, prime rib, roasted veggies, mashed potatoes, and freshly baked dinner rolls. Ana blushed when she realized everybody was waiting for her arrival to bless the food and begin eating. She didn't understand why they valued her company so much but was touched by it. She purposefully sat next to Grace and across from Kate and Elliot, on the seat furthest away from Christian.

As everyone filled their plates, Christian couldn't help but notice that Ana put a total of three roasted brussels sprouts and a sliver of prime rib on her plate. His hand twitched in annoyance, but he steadied it with a sip of his wine.

"So, Ana, have you been enjoying New Hampshire? I hear Hanover is a lovely quaint town." Grace started their conversation after starting in on her plate.

"Oh, it's fantastic. Nice cool temperatures. The hottest it gets is in the 80s around June and July." Christian felt Ana was being genuine in her assessment, he didn't like the idea of her leaving Seattle again, but she seemed to like Hanover.

"How are the people? I imagine you've made a lot of friends during your time there." Carrick inquired.

"I've met some of the best people I've come to know. Very straightforward and hardworking. I got my rottweiler Hardy for company if it ever gets lonely out there too."

"Hardy? As in Thomas Hardy?" Christian asked.

Ana smiled fondly, she missed her dog, "Yes."

"That's adorable." Kate smiled, wrapping her arm around Elliot's.

Their chatter goes much the same way for the remainder of their dinner, when they begin clearing the table Ana is surprised to feel Christian gently grabbing her forearm before anyone else in the family can get ahold of her, "Ana, come out back with me, I have something to show you."

She almost refused but could see Grace and Carrick's eyes on her from across the room. She let him lead her to the scenic balcony with an outside Christmas tree shining proudly. An awning blocked the snow from covering the wooden planks. In the corner, a round oak table held a wrapped present with a red velvet bow. Christian picked it up and handed it to her, "Merry Christmas."

Ana was quietly surprised that Christian would bother gifting someone he could hardly consider a friend, "Thank you! I don't know what to say."

"Open it." Christian commanded. His smoldering expression spurred her on.

She untied the bow gently and tore off the wrapping, revealing a stack of three books: first editions of Jane Eyre, Tess of d'Urberville, and Pride and Prejudice. Ana gasped, flipping through the pages of each book to ensure she didn't mistakenly misread the situation, "Christian, these are priceless, I can't accept these!"

Christian's smile was bright, "You absolutely can. I bought these for you. You know I haven't forgotten your love of books Ana."

Ana shook her head, "Christian, I am really touched, but together, these are worth more than my apartment Christian. I'm afraid to even have them on my bookshelf."

"I'll have a secure display case sent to your home then. Please Ana, take them. I insist."

Ana doesn't know what else to say without being outright rude, although these books were a major part of her teenage years, she could think of many other things she could've used the money for. What does it say about Christian that he's willing to throw away over $100,000 on baubles he thought would please her? She sometimes forgot he was a billionaire.

"Thank you Christian. They're beautiful."

"You're welcome."

Christian was silent for a moment before pushing the conversation forward, "I know you and I haven't been on the greatest terms these past few years Ana, but I just want you to know that you still mean a lot to me. I mean that. If you ever need anything, and I know how stubborn you can be about accepting help, please reach out."

He reached out and embraced her in a hug.

"Oh, thank you Christian." Ana breathed into the nape of his neck. His skin tingled from the intimate distance.

After letting her go, they both headed back inside to enjoy the rest of the Christmas celebration.

They finally get to enjoy that indoor jacuzzi Mia had talked to Ana about. She expected it to be girl time, but found herself blushing when Christian decided to join in. His well-defined figure still made her heart skip a beat, but she knew it was too dangerous to ponder about it for too long. Christian likewise is pleased by Ana's shapely body, the bikini she wore was admittedly the least amount of clothes he's seen her wear.

The snow picked up outside, coming down in torrents. By the time Mia and Ana hop out of the jacuzzi, it's already 8 PM, the news channels are already announcing the impending night of non-stop snow.

Carrick could see Ana's car caked in snow from the living room windows and told her so, "I don't think it's safe to drive home Ana, it's looking pretty bad out there."

"I should really get back to Ray." Ana moved to the window to observe the weather. She even admitted to herself that driving would be dangerous during current conditions.

"We have more than enough room, please, stay the night." Christian added, capitalizing on the situation. This is perfect.

Ana decided to call Ray first to make sure he was okay with her staying the night, he seemed to already be nodding off after a movie binge and happily agreed. Mia showed Ana one of the guest rooms with a connecting bathroom and offered her pajamas for the night.

Near 2 AM, Ana is stirred from her sleep when she hears a knock on her door. She heard the door creak open and saw the silhouette of a figure in the corner of her eye.

Christian's voice whispered into the darkness, "Ana? Are you awake?"

Turning all the way onto her back, half-asleep she mumbled, "Christian?"

Christian flicked on the dim lamp near the entrance and closed the door behind him. His palms were sweaty, anxiety crawling up his skin.

"Is something wrong?" Ana looked back at the door Christian closed behind him.

Christian sat at the foot of her bed, "No, I just wanted to talk."

Just talk? Her suspicions spiked at the excuse, her mind raced with possible reasons for the late-night visit, but she came up short. She removed the bedsheets from her body and sat next to Christian's side.

Christian's mind is chewing on a different issue, how would he approach the reason he was there. He had not yet decided on whether he would need to negotiate or seduce Ana to have his way. Perhaps both were needed.

"Ana, I came here to apologize. I didn't want you to have the impression from my gift earlier that I was trying to buy your forgiveness."

"Forgiveness for what?" Ana tried in the dim light to decipher Christian's expression.

"Before you moved to New Hampshire, the way I treated you wasn't right."

The blanket statement struck a nerve with Ana. She knew exactly what he was apologizing for but wanted to hear him own up to his deliberately hurtful actions. She hated to sound like a parrot, but continued to push him by repeating his statements, "What about the way you treated me?" Ana felt Christian's hand touch her thigh before he answered, she wanted to remove it, but did not want to risk him stopping the conversation.

"I was cruel to you. I didn't think I deserved to be loved by someone like you, you deserve more Ana. It was wasted on me for all those years. I just wanted you to stop, I didn't intend to break you."

The statement was latent with multiple presumptions that infuriated Ana. She shoved his hand away and stood up quickly, seething, "Love you? Where did you get that idea?" She knew it was true, but she had never said the words to him before. His arrogance was appalling to her.

Christian was put off by her sudden hostility, gripping the edge of the bed he pleaded with her, "Whatever you felt Ana, I'm sorry if I misread you — you just never talked to me again after Escala."

Ana winced at even the mention of the event that started this all, even Christian caught the effect it had on her. He chastised himself for reminding her of his utter fuck-up.

"I think you need to leave my room."

"Ana please, I'm sorry. I never wanted to lose our friendship." Christian stood back up to level himself with her.

"You didn't break me Christian. I'm stronger than I ever have been and it's certainly no thanks to you."

He could see the vehemence in her statement, he really set her off completely unintentionally. He could feel her slipping away with each word he spoke. This was not going well.

"I didn't mean it like that Ana, please stop trying to fight me. What do you want me to do? Just tell me and I'll fix this."

"You can't fix it and I don't understand why you care now."

Christians gaped, "I tried to reach you all this time, you changed your number and left without a word. What was I supposed to do?"

Ana clenched her jaw in defiance, "I never wanted to hear from you again."

"And now?"

"I don't know." Ana gulped.

At least it wasn't a no, he'd take that. He reached for her waist to pull her closer, "I don't want to lose you."

She shoved him off again, "You never had me."

"I want to." Christian's breathing accelerated. Their closeness in the dark room and heated exchange was not helping him to control himself.

His tone and smoldering eyes did it for Ana. It clicked for her immediately. He wanted to sleep with her, the asshole was apologizing to get in her pants.

Her laugh made Christian cringe.

"What is this? You think if you give me expensive gifts and pander to me that I'll let you fuck me? You're even worse than I thought you were, I can't believe this. You are a complete prick. You aren't even sorry."

"Ana…" Christian could see how this looked. Even he was forced to reflect on his current actions with her fiery words. His apology and gifts were genuine, but he can't deny that he knew it would get him one step closer to getting what he wanted.

"I really meant my apology Ana." He's torn, he won't live it down if he doesn't at least try to kiss her. He leaned forward catching her lips with his.

Breaking away immediately, Ana sent her hand flying across Christian face. Thwack.

Christian gripped his stinging cheek in shock. She slapped me! He's livid, but knew she was completely in her rights after his unwelcomed assault. He would need to try words again.

"You can't tell me you didn't at least think about us like this once."

Ana had her arms crossed now. She's beautiful like this, but he doesn't want her to be angry with him, "What about this is romantic at all?"

Christian chuckled, "It doesn't have to be romantic." The flicker in her eye spurred him on, he could see her thinking about it, if only for a moment.

"Just tonight, Ana. Nobody else has to know."

Her silence was the closest thing to an agreement he's gotten so far. He brought his hands to her waist again, looking into her shimmering blue eyes. What else could he say to convince her? Leaning over to whisper in her ear he said as tenderly as he could manage, "Please." He kissed her neck then, this time he's not met with violence.

"I hate you." He heard the unmistakable words escape her lips.

He flinched, she felt it when he paused. He didn't see it, but Ana smiled. Knowing she affected him pleased her greatly.

It hurt him to hear it, but he pressed forward, determined. She allowed herself to grip Christian by the back of his hair. Her touch excited him enough to drop down to her breasts now. He sucked on the mounds through the fabric vigorously, eventually being frustrated enough to tug it off of her in one swift pull. He stared at her naked breasts, the only light being the moonlight and dim lamp at the entrance. Perfect.

Ana moved back to him to remove his shirt now. After getting it off, Christian shoved Ana onto the bed to pull off her pants and underwear. Seeing her completely naked undid him, his cock was now fully erect. Before he lost the opportunity, he unbuckled his pants and removed his last pieces of clothes deftly. Grabbing her legs, he pulled her closer to him while he stood at the edge of the bed.

She wrapped her legs around his back, feeling his manhood rub against her heat. He moaned at the contact and leaned forward to gain a semblance of balance with his left arm. With his right hand, he grabbed his cock to press it into her entrance. Firmly, but slowly, he eased himself past her folds.

He felt Ana stiffen below him, no doubt adjusting to him inside her. He petted her thigh then, mumbling under his breath words of encouragement for her, "Relax Ana. Oh God, you're stunning."

Leaning over her to plant a kiss, he began sliding in and out of her starting at a slow pace. He picked up the tempo with her soft whimpering, thrusting deeper and with more force. He whispered against her cheek, "Fuck, you're perfect, Ana. Take it. Take all of me."

Ana gasped at his fervent words. "Christian, fuck me harder." she begged, squeezing him tightly with her legs and desperately clawing at his sideburns.

Christian lost it, grabbing her by the waist, he pulled her flush to him and fucked her with everything he had. It was a brutal pace of pain and pleasure, but Ana did not protest. In fact her increasing moans over his grunts kept him going. He continued his praises while thrusting into her, "God, your cunt is so tight. Oh fuck, Ana. You drive me crazy."

Ana felt it then, Christian stopping and shivering through his orgasm. She felt his hot semen coat her insides. He slumped over her to catch his breath then collapsed on the bed next to her, limp and exhausted. He was so wrong, there was no way he could only do this with her once. He knew he was doomed then.

He heard Ana's voice ring with clarity, "Now get out of my room."

He didn't even look at her then. He was the one who said one night after all. He got up and gathered his clothes. While he was closing the door to her room, he allowed himself one long glance over her beautiful naked body and the shimmer of evidence of their deviant activity coating her thighs and folds. He closed his eyes and committed the moment to his memories then shut the door.