Chapter 5

Steve still wasn't comfortable with Danny's return to work, arguing that it was too soon, but there was nothing he could do. He had tried to talk his friend out of it two more times, but Danny didn't want to hear any of it. He had enjoyed the time at home, the time for himself, sleeping long, taking naps and walks, but now he wanted to do his job again.

The night before the return was even worse for Steve than his usual ones. He spent the night either pacing, thinking or dreaming about what could possibly happen to his friend. He had a total of one hour sleep, went for a short swim an even shorter run, but had the coffee going and some scrambled eggs ready when Danny came – freshly showered – out of his room.

Steve wanted to drive him, making sure he wouldn't be alone – and unprotected again – but Danny said he needed the car for work.

"Why? You are on desk duty. What do you need a car for?" Steve asked a little snippy.

"Research. It is possible I need to drive to HPD or the morgue or something." Danny explained in a calm voice.

"No. You can make a call for that. Desk duty means staying in the office. I'll drive you there and I'll pick you up again." Steve insisted.

"And what are you going to do in the meantime?" Danny wanted to know.

"Don't know. Driving home, doing some…"

"That's what I thought," Danny interrupted. "Driving my car to the palace and back two times a day is a little expensive, don't you think?"

"Don't worry about that. I'll pay for it…in advance."

"Not necessary. I'll drive. But thank you."

Steve gave up, but since Danny had known all along why Steve had wanted to drive him, he said "I'll be fine Steve. Don't worry."

When Steve didn't answer Danny asked "okay?"

The SEAL nodded and said "Okay" as well, but he knew he would worry anyway.

"But promise me that you will stay in the office, that you won't go after suspects or anything like that."

"I am not stupid Steve. I know I am not a 100% percent and that means I won't go out in the field. I promise."

Steve knew that his anxiety was irrational to some level, but he wasn't able to stop his thoughts. At around 10 am he almost called Danny to assure himself that everything was fine, but in the end he didn't. He went for a run instead – a long one. He had enough of everything and ran until his feet were barely able to support him anymore. When he came home, his clothes were soaked with sweat, he was shivering with exhaustion and he wanted nothing more than to sleep. When he entered the living room, he realized he wouldn't be able to make the stairs and – literally – collapsed on the couch. The ringing of his phone woke him up two hours later – Danny. His heart skipped a beat while taking the call.

"What happened?" he asked with fear in his voice.

"Nothing. The team wants to go out – some sort of welcome back dinner. Do you want to join us?"

"No. No, thanks."

"You okay?" This time it was Danny who sounded concerned.

"Yeah, I am good."

"You sure. Have you already planned something for dinner? I can give them a raincheck. Wouldn't be a problem."

"No, no nothing planned. It's fine. Have fun."

"What is wrong Steve? Just tell me." Danny was still worried, something was off.

"Nothing. I am fine. I… I just had a nap and your call woke me up. Just feel a little rattled. That's all."

"I am sorry."

"It's okay – you didn't know."

After the call had ended, Steve noticed that he was cold.

'Sleeping in sweat-soaked clothes and without a blanket was a bright idea,' he thought.

He took a long and hot shower – to get warm and to help his muscles which felt sore and had started to burn again.

'Should pick up my real training again. Already getting weak. Never had so much problems with hurting muscles before. Sometimes it even feels like the bones are hurting too.'

When Danny came home around 10 pm, Steve was on the couch watching a show he didn't even pay attention to.

"Hey," Danny said.

"Hey, how was your day?"

"Quite good. Don't know how long I am going to say this, but doing some paper work felt good. Being back felt good. Dinner was good too, so I think I had a good start."

"That is great. I am happy for you," Steve smiled at his friend.

"How about you?"

"Did some stuff in the garage, went for a run, took a nap, had a shower, was waiting for you."

"Dinner?"

"Wasn't hungry."

"You didn't eat anything?"

"No. I had two beers. Want one too?"

"No, thanks. I think I am going to bed. It's been a long day. Not used to that anymore after all the relaxing and sleeping these past few weeks."

"Okay. Sleep well then. Have a good night."

"Yeah, you too."

After another beer Steve went to bed as well. He fell asleep soon after and actually slept four hours in a row. He woke up sweating and feeling likes his heart wanted to come out of his chest. He couldn't remember having dreamed something bad though. When he got up to go to the bathroom, he started to feel dizzy. It passed after a few minutes and everything felt normal again.

He took another shower, changed his clothes and went back to bed – catching another two hours of sleep. Next time he woke up, he felt better physically, but his thoughts started to race again.

'Wanted to go for a long swim anyway.'

But he couldn't make it as long as he had wanted. After – for him – a way too short distance he got muscle cramps. As a SEAL he knew how to stay afloat despite of them, but he didn't want to risk anything and swam back after they had subsided.

He thought about going for a run instead, but decided against it when his right calf muscle hardened on the way out of the water. He limped to his towel, dried himself off and slowly walked back to the house.

He elevated his leg for an hour, but noticed that he needed to get up again, taking a shower and preparing breakfast if he wanted it to be ready when Danny would wake up.

He tried to move as less as possible while Danny was in the kitchen, not wanting his friend to notice anything and worrying about him.

He did good, but as soon as Danny was out of the house, he made his way to the couch, supporting himself on every wall or piece of furniture he could find. He sat down with a sigh and elevated the leg for half an hour. Then he started to massage it with his hands and it got better and better. When he finally got up, he could still feel some tension, but he could at least walk almost normally.

But it got worse again every time he walked too much. He spent the rest of the day alternating between elevating and massaging his leg or walking around a bit to regain full movement. The last thing he wanted was Danny wanting to check him out.

Danny didn't notice though. Steve managed to move every time his friend was looking away or when he looked, the SEAL concentrated hard on walking normally and ignoring the pain. Thankfully – for Steve- it was raining and the two men stayed in the living room watching TV instead of walking down to the beach.

Since Steve had cooked and cleaned up, Danny said it was only fair he would take care of bringing the beer when the bottles were empty. Both of them had two before Danny went to bed. Steve said he would stay a little longer, because he wasn't the one who had to go to work the following day. That way he was able to walk up the stairs when Danny was already asleep.

Not having to go to work didn't mean he wasn't up early and fixing breakfast for Danny. After having applied a cream and a bandage during the night and in the morning his leg was much better, but he felt washed out nonetheless and just like yesterday he spent a lot of time on the couch.

And that got his routine for the next two weeks: preparing breakfast, doing nothing during the day – except some cleaning and shopping - and preparing dinner.

There were two more "team-evenings" which Steve didn't want to participate in either.

Danny called in the afternoon to tell Steeve that he would be late today as well. They had just gotten a new case – a murder – and didn't know anything yet – neither about the victim nor the motive and subsequently they didn't have any suspects yet either.

"Okay, give me a call when you are leaving the palace. I'll have dinner ready when you come home. And Danny, stay out of the field."

"I will. See you in the evening."

But it wasn't evening anymore when Danny came home – it was late night. He had called Steve a second time that day earlier, saying that he wouldn't make it to dinner and that they'd order something and eat at the office. He had promised again to stay on his desk duty although he was looking forward to go out again in just a few days. The doctor had already cleared him, but insisted on desk duty until the end of the week as well.

Steve knew Danny had to do his job, but he was disappointed nonetheless. Breakfast and dinner with Danny were the highlights of his days. Although he didn't eat much himself, he enjoyed watching Danny's appetite and having dinner together meant Danny had made it home safe and sound for another day.

Knowing Danny wouldn't be home, he covered the prepared food and put everything back into the fridge. He took a beer out of it and made himself comfortable on the couch. He fell asleep after the third, but after an hour he started to dream again. Danny on the floor, covered in blood – way more blood than before – pale and lifeless. He ran to his friend, kneeled by his side, tried to rouse him, felt for a pulse…and felt none. He screamed in desperation "NO!", took his friend in his arms and held him close to his body – just like he had done with Joe – and whispered "I am sorry. I am sorry," while a few tears escaped his closed lids.

"…Babe. Hey wake up. It's just a dream."

Steve startled awake, but he was still disoriented and asked "Danny?"

"Yeah. It's me. You had a nightmare. But you are at home. Everything is fine."

Steve blinked a few times, still feeling the horror of his dream, still a little confused, but slowly returning back to reality.

"Sorry, Danny. Didn't want to scare you."

"Don't apologize. Want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it was just a dream. It's over now."

"I don't think it was just a dream…it was about something real, right?"

Steve just nodded at first, then he said in such a low voice that it was almost a whisper "yeah".

"Your mom?" Danny asked seeing that Steve was still shaken up by what he had just experienced.

"No." Steve shook his head.

"Joe?" Danny knew that Steve still had trouble with his mentor's and friend's death – and his own guilt.

"No." Steve knew that Danny would ask until he would get a satisfying answer and although the SEAL didn't want Danny to know, he didn't want to lie to him either.

"You." he admitted.

"Me?" Danny asked surprised.

This time Steve just nodded without saying anything, not trusting his voice.

"The kidnapping?" Danny asked.

Steve nodded again "F…finding you…dead."

'I should have known,' Danny thought.

"How long is this been going on?"

"Since…that day. On…and off."

"Get up," Danny said.

"What?"

"Just do it?"

When Steve was standing, Danny pulled him into a tight hug, then he put one hand on Steve's neck for comfort, massaging it gently for a minute to loosen the tension a bit before whispering into his friend's ear "I've told you it wasn't your fault – you found me. I am not dead. You saved me. You stayed with me. I am good. I love you buddy."

There were two things Steve wanted to do 1. crying his heart out and 2. telling Danny everything about his nightmares, his sleepless nights and his fears. Instead, he kept the tears in – not wanting to show weakness in front of his friend – but held on to the hug, seeking as much comfort out of it as possible, while he pressed out "I love you too."

The following two weeks were tough on both men. The governor had made the murder a priority case, Danny was back to full duty and had to work long hours. Steve still got up early to make breakfast, but as soon as Danny was out of the door, he either went to bed again or lay down on the couch. Swimming or running wasn't an option anymore. He just wasted the day, waiting if Danny would be home for dinner or not. If he was, Steve prepared the meal beforehand, having it ready perfectly - on point, in taste and in presentation – when Danny arrived. If he was not, the SEAL left the food in the fridge – hoping for the next day – grabbed a beer or two…or three and waited.

When Danny came home, he was relieved until his friend would leave again the following morning.

Not sleeping neither enough nor peacefully and not eating properly as well took its toll on him. Even when he took a few naps during the day, he still felt tired and beat. The fatigue was a constant companion as well as the pain in several body parts – muscles, joints, head – sometimes even his chest felt tight. He felt dizzy every time he stood up – doesn't matter if it was from the bed, the couch or the recliner and he lacked the energy of doing anything useful. Just before Danny would come home, he would freshen up and smile broadly at his friend – an honest one, that even reached his eyes. That was his only happiness. Another day had gone by without Danny getting hurt or worse.

Danny didn't notice any of that, except the smile of course. Firstly, because Steve's masks were perfect after so many years of practice and experience and secondly the long hours of work tired him out as well and he had already asked himself if Steve had been right about waiting just a few weeks more before returning to work.

But he was looking forward to their joint dinner too. It was great to return to a home where someone was waiting for him. He still liked Steve's cooking and it was also nice to get a real meal instead of a quick burger or pizza in the office or take out.

The food always brought some energy back, but he fell asleep on the couch three times during the last fourteen days nonetheless. He always woke up with a real pillow under his head and a blanket on top of him, although he knew both items hadn't been there before. If it was too late to change to bed, he stayed on the couch. If it was still early, he would go to bed not before checking on his partner though. The nightmare he had witnessed the week before had scared the hell out of him and Steve not breaking the hug had spoken volumes.

He was glad that his own nightmares had subsided – for now – but he knew what they could do to people if they occur over a long period of time, which he knew was the case with his friend. He had tried to talk to Steve about them a few months back while they had been on a horse back chasing some criminals, but Steve had denied his offer. Danny made a mental note to try that again on his next day off.

Despite the knowledge that it would just be for two more hours, he went to bed, looking forward to the morning, waking up, knowing that he would get some breakfast served – doesn't matter if it were eggs or self-made granola or whatever – and two sandwiches or a big salad for work was making it much easier to get out of bed. Since he had been out of the hospital he had always been welcomed by the smell of freshly brewed coffee when he had opened his door and that had lifted his mood even more. It was his first highlight of the day.
Today there wasn't smelling anything though.