Chapter 10
Dr. Anderson arranged a twenty minutes break to give Steve some time to collect himself before they continued.
"Do you have problems with your blood pressure?"
"Lately…yes."
"Too high or too low?"
"Too high…but it is also okay other times."
"Are you nauseous or suffering from loss of appetite?"
"Both…almost daily."
"Nightmares?"
Steve nodded. "For years, but they are getting worse again, since Joe…died. And even more since Danny…Danny got hurt."
"Headaches or other pain? Muscle soreness?"
"Yeah. Almost daily."
"Dizziness? Hot flushes?"
"Both."
"Problems falling asleep? Fatigue? Racing thoughts?"
"…Yes."
"Difficulties concentrating?"
"Sometimes…I mean not like I forget what I want to do, but…too many information at once…I can't put that together, can't follow the conversation like I used to."
"That making you angry?"
"Yes."
"At yourself or at the ones providing the information?"
"Both, but mostly at me."
"Are you restless at times, feeling that something bad is about to happen?"
"Since…since Danny…yes."
"Thank you for your honest answers commander. I know it wasn't easy for you to admit to a lot of things here. I have one last question and then we can call it a day. I would like to discuss your results and the treatment with you tomorrow. You might want to bring someone along - maybe your friend Danny - to discuss things. Please think about that thoroughly before you say you don't need anyone and want to deal with this alone. I know you don't like to ask for help, but you should do it. I am going to help you if you don't find the right approach. Just in case you declined it the nights before, please take your sleeping pill tonight.
Now to the last question. I have the feeling that a lot of this started after your friend got hurt. Is that true or did that "just" increase your problems?"
"The latter, but Danny…since Danny…the…the anxiety hadn't been there before. Ever…"
When Steve returned to his room, he felt emotionally drained. He sat on the edge of his bed and put his head in his hands.
'God, that was only the evaluation – the easy part. I don't think I can do that. I had a breakdown on our first session. What does that say about me? So glad that Danny didn't see that. I hope he never finds out. I should bring him along tomorrow? What for? Only to see for real how pathetic I am? No, I am going alone. I can save myself the embarrassment.
I just want to sleep and never wake up.'
He lay down on his bed – fully clothed – curled up and fell asleep a minute later only to experience the next nightmare. Danny was lying on the floor in a pool of blood as usual. When Steve was about to feel for a pulse, Danny opened his eyes and said "Don't even try. You are too late again. Another one you couldn't protect. What kind of a SEAL are you? Go and cry. That is at least something you are good at."
Steve awoke sweating, his fingers clinging to his pillow the rest of his body cramped and his cheeks wet. He needed a few minutes to realize it had just been a dream. When he was back in reality the pain in his right hand became noticeable after the "abuse" it just befell.
He got up and took a shower. When he came out, he had a look in the mirror and he didn't like what he was seeing – not the appearance, not the look in his eyes and especially not the aura of failure and weakness. He wanted to smash the mirror, but he knew that wouldn't change anything. After holding on to the sink for a few more minutes, he decided to crawl back into his bed and to forget about his miserable life.
That's how the nurse found him a little later.
"Commander McGarrett. Your lunch is waiting for you. There is not much time left to get it and I assume you don't want to eat it cold."
"Not hungry."
"That is not an option, commander. You need to eat. And I want you to do that now. I don't want to threaten you, but I have to call the doctor if you don't eat."
"Okay. I'll go. Just give me a minute."
Steve went to the refectory and ate all of it, but he didn't really taste anything. He just ate, because he had to. On the way back to his room, he got even more nauseous than before. He thought of lying down again, but instead he went to the bathroom, stuck a finger down his throat and threw up into the toilet. After flushing away the vomit and rinsing his mouth, he did go back to bed.
He was still in the same position when Danny arrived two hours later. Steve heard the knock and the door open and close, but he didn't react to it, feigning sleep.
"Hey buddy. I know you are not sleeping. What's up? Having a headache or are you just resting?" Danny asked.
"Both," Steve answered short spoken.
"Did you ask for some painkillers?"
"No!"
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want to."
"Steve! You are here to get help and you agreed to the terms. Why don't you take it when it is offered?"
Steve didn't say anything.
"Steve! Talk to me. I need to know what is going on."
Steve sat up.
"You want to know what is going on?" he asked curtly. "I tell you what is going on! I am fucked up, Danny!" He yelled. "I don't have my life under control anymore and I don't know how to get it back." He sounded desperate, but had turned down the volume. "And I don't know if I even want it," he added in almost a whisper.
Danny was shocked, not only about the outburst and the yelling, but especially about the last sentence and he thought he hadn't heard right.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"You know what it means," Steve said, knowing full well that Danny had caught the meaning behind those words.
"No, I don't. I can only assume, but I can't believe you really meant what you've just said."
"Why not? If it ends here then all the problems are gone – for everyone. Doesn't sound so bad." Steve said in a husky voice.
Danny was appalled. "Why are you saying something like this…What happened during your psyche session?"
Steve blushed. "N…nothing. It…it was just an evaluation. Just…a few questions."
Danny glared at Steve. He knew his friend wasn't telling him everything. 'Something must have happened. But it was just an evaluation. But something went wrong. I just know it.'
"Then what is it?" he demanded.
Steve turned his head away.
"Hey!" Danny almost yelled. "You are not getting away with this. Tell me!"
Steve didn't look up and didn't say anything either.
Danny stepped forward and grabbed Steve by his chin - not too gently – and made his friend look at him.
"Tell me! Now! What happened?!"
Steve looked at Danny and his eyes immediately welled up with tears.
"I …I…lost it." He brought out.
"What? You punched your therapist?" Danny asked in disbelief.
"No. I…I…cried."
"That's all?"
"That's all? I screwed up. I am not strong enough…I…"
"Stop right there!" Danny burst out, then more softly. "You are strong enough. Crying is no shame – whatever you've been told and taught."
"It…it was just an evaluation Danny. What…what about the real therapy? I…I can't do that. It's just getting worse. I…I don't want to relive ev…everything. I can't…I just can't." Steve sounded desperate and defeated, his eyes were still full of tears, but they weren't rolling just yet.
Danny put his hands on either side of Steve's head – using a tender touch this time.
"You can. I will help you. Whatever it takes."
"You can't…I…I…with every…every…d…death the memories are coming back. It feels like I am there again. How…how am I supposed to go through that? It almost killed me the first times. I…I want to forget that not to relive it."
"I am sorry, Steve," Danny said sympathetically. "I'd really like to take that away from you. But I can't. I can only share it with you and…"
"No…I can't let that happen. You've already suffered enough."
Danny sat beside his friend, put an arm around his shoulder and tried to encourage his friend "And you too. More than enough for one life. But we can't undo that. All we can do it to learn to deal and live with that. And this will be the first time you are not going to be alone for that. You have a family behind you – the ohana you've created all by yourself."
"No. No Danny, no. I don't want anyone to hear, to know about any…any of that. And I don't want them to see me…the real me, the screw-up that I really am."
And with the last words the tears finally started to flow again. Danny was at a loss for words, he just sat there putting one hand on his friend's neck, trying to support him.
Steve couldn't ease up, he cried his heart out and after turning his head and burying it in Danny's shoulder he said in a voice choked with tears "I don't want anymore."