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Chapter 11

Steve had cried for a long time, face buried in Danny's shoulder and holding on to Danny's shirt.
When it seemed like he was done, Danny moved a bit to help Steve lying down, but the SEAL interpreted wrong and pleaded "Don't go, Danny. Please don't leave," clawing at his friend's shirt even more.
Danny's heart ached about how the words were spoken, but also about the words themselves.
"I am not going anywhere. I just wanted to give you some more space, so you can lie down again and get some rest."
When Steve looked anxiously at Danny, the latter said "Don't worry, I won't leave. Come on, babe. Let's take your shoes off."
When Steve was lying on his bed, Danny tucked him in, told him to get some rest and reassured him anew that he wouldn't leave.
After sobbing a few more times and whispering "I am sorry, Danny," Steve fell asleep.
Danny sighed. He had never expected something like this – at least not today. He had just come by a little earlier to talk about how the evaluation had gone, not to find his friend falling apart in front of his eyes.
'And I can't even tell the doctor about Steve's dark thought, because I am sure – no I think – he hadn't really meant what he had said and aside from that it might earn him a place in the locked ward and that would really kill him.'
Danny sighed another time.
He was still lost in thoughts about what he could possibly do to build up a support strategy and weighing up the pros and cons of his ideas when the nurse entered the room.
"Oh, hello, detective Williams. I had wanted to inform the commander that dinner will be ready in an hour, so he can prepare, but I think I come back a little later. He needs the sleep to."
"Prepare? What does he need to prepare for?"
"No. Not like that. But he almost missed lunch. I had to remind him. That's why I wanted to tell him a little earlier now."
"I understand. How long until he needs to be there?"
"As I said it starts in an hour, then he has another hour."
"Okay, I'll wake him. He will be there."
"Thank you."
Danny waited until dinner time started then he softly called Steve's name. It took a few minutes before the SEAL started to stir and to open his bleary eyes.

"Hey babe. You need to wake up. Dinner is ready."
"Not hungry. Tired," Steve mumbled and closed his eyes again.
"I know you are. But you need to eat too. It's important. You can go back to sleep after it."
"Head hurts. Just let me sleep."
"I am sure they will give you something – after you have eaten. I'll go and ask. You get up and make yourself presentable. Come on."
He shook Steve's shoulder over and over until his friend was finally awake and annoyed enough to do what Danny had told him.

The SEAL's headache spiked for a moment when he sat up and he was a little dizzy, unsteady and nauseous the first few steps, but he reached the bathroom without incident and freshened up.
Danny had wanted to join him for dinner, but it wasn't allowed, because the seats were limited and reserved for the patients.

Just like a few hours earlier, Steve ate everything on his plate without enjoying any of it.
He got up, took his tray away and went to his room. On the way back the nausea returned. He was able to keep himself from throwing up on the ward's floor, but as soon as he had entered the bathroom everything came up. This time he didn't even have to use his finger to help with that. Thankfully, he had managed to reach the toilet before he literally fell to his knees and violently vomited into the bowl.
Danny who had organized for his friend to get some pain medication administered later on and then waited for his return, heard the unmistakable sound of retching and followed his friend into the bathroom.
"Damn," Danny called out when he saw his friend who just brought up the next gush of puke. Danny prepared a washcloth and a glass of water.

When Steve was done, Danny handed him the glass then the washcloth. Steve took both items without saying anything as well as without looking up. He felt humiliated. Throwing up was bad enough but doing it in front of his friend who's shoulder he had cried on just a few hours ago was even worse for him - it was pathetic. He not only hadn't his life under control anymore, he also was at the mercy of his body's and mind's decisions. He wasn't sure if he was done retching, but he definitely didn't want to sit on the floor – in front of a toilet – anymore, being watched by his friend – his best friend even – who had seen him in much more embarrassing situations, but still…
He got up slowly, feeling his headache worsen and the dizziness return with the rising. He swayed a little but found support on the sink.
When he had stabilized, Danny took him by his arm "Come on, let's get you to lie down for a while."
Steve shrugged his friend's arm off "I can walk alone!" he said in a gruff voice.
He sat on this bed and tried to take his shoes off, but it aggravated his headache and made him nauseous and dizzy again, so he lay down with them still on. Danny only shook his head. 'Why do you have to be so stubborn? Why can't you just ask me to help you?' he thought, but said "Come on. I help you."

He just pulled them off Steve's feet and covered his friend with a blanket. Steve had turned on his side covering his eyes and ear with one arm. He didn't want to see or hear anything. All he wished for was for the ground to open up and swallow him, so he never had to face anyone again.

A minute later the nurse entered with the promised pain medication.
She immediately noticed the way Steve way lying on his bed. She looked questioningly at Danny.
"Has his headache been this bad the whole time?"
"No. He just vomited. Not feeling very well in general - It's not just the headache."
"He vomited? Then I have to give him something else. I have to talk to the doctor first. It's possible that he wants to check him over as well."
She left the room again.

"Why did you tell her?" Steve groaned.
"Because I want you to get better. That is not possible if we are hiding something."
"We? You are just spilling about me. Why don't you tell'em about yourself?" Steve asked taunting.
"What are you playing at? Do you think that is necessary?"
"What? You don't like talking about your issues?" The question sounded spiteful.
"This isn't about me Steven! It's about you."
"And I didn't ask for it. I don't need your "help"- or anyone else's. I can do on my own. Did my whole life."
"Oh, yeah, and look where that brought you," Danny said sarcastically.
"You think this is funny!? I tell you what: it is not! And I am sorry I didn't grow up in a supportive house, otherwise I might understand your humor."
"You jealous?" Danny provoked.
"No, I am not jealous. I am happy for you. You deserve a home like that."
"And you don't?"
The heated argument this was about to become, got interrupted by Dr. Warner's entry.
"I've been told you are having a headache and had vomited after eating dinner. Are you still nauseous?"
"Just a little."
"Did that happen before?"
Steve turned red again, glanced at Danny, but didn't answer. The quick look didn't go unnoticed by neither Danny nor the doctor. Danny knew what that meant, the doctor only assumed, but he didn't know either of the men enough, so he interpreted wrong and said "Detective Williams, would you mind leaving the room for a while? I'd like to examine commander McGarrett. You can come in again when I am done."
"Actually, I do mind."
"Excuse me?" the doctor wasn't used to objection and got a little annoyed.
"I said I do mind. Someone has to take care of him," Danny pointed at Steve, "because he isn't doing a good job with that. And as you just noticed, the look he just threw at me and the following silence already answered your question. It did happen before. So, there is no need to leave." Danny smiled at the doctor who looked like someone had just sucker punched him. He recovered quickly though.
"It wasn't just about the question. As I said I need to do an examination as well. I had asked you nicely, but if you don't want to leave, I have to inform you that you have no right to stay."
"Actually…" Danny started.
"Please go Danny," Steve said in a hushed voice, not looking up though. Now it was Danny who looked like someone just slapped him.
"You want me to go? For real?" The hurt he felt was perceptible in his voice.
"Yes," Steve answered with an even lower voice, still not looking at his friend.
"Steve! Look at me and tell me you want me to leave!" Danny demanded.
The SEAL didn't say anything and he didn't look up either.
"Steve! Do it!"
Steve felt ashamed, but he raised his head and looked at Danny. His look expressed fear – the fear you feel or see when a student is knowingly giving the principal an inappropriate answer.
"I want you to leave Danny."
As soon as the words were out, the seal broke eye contact again, finding his fingers much more interesting. Danny couldn't believe it. He stared at his friend for a few seconds, but he knew Steve wouldn't take his words back nor would he look up again. Danny nodded at the doctor and the nurse and left the room, resisting the urge to slam the door.