Chapter 12

Danny was pissed – to put it nicely. He wanted to punch something – preferably his partner's face.
He was hurt – badly. Not only about being sent out, but also about the words that had been said before. He knew Steve didn't mean them, they were just part of the mental state he was in, but they still hurt – doesn't matter how many "excuses" he tried to find for his friend.

He had walked around the park for about two hours, thinking everything over and over again. He hadn't punched anything, so he was still angry, but he was also concerned about his brother. They trusted each other with their lives and with everything else. They had known each other for ten years now, risking their lives for each others safety without thinking about it and for people they didn't even know as well. They were BFFs after all and Danny wasn't willing to throw all that away because of words – words that had hurt, okay -but still just words. He knew he would get an apology for this as soon as Steve was able to think straight again, maybe even before that considering Steve wasn't only a trouble but also a guilt magnet.
He went back to the hospital to have a talk to…someone. Whoever was willing to give him some information. He knew the nurse liked him, but he wasn't sure if it was enough for her to break protocol. The doctor didn't like him for sure – especially not after their short encounter. And Steve? He didn't want to face him yet -maybe tomorrow. He entered the ward and saw the nurse coming out of a patient's room. He smiled broadly at her, but before he could say anything she told him "Detective Williams. We already wondered when you would be back. The doctor is expecting you."

'The doctor? Not Steve? Is that good or bad?'
"Don't worry," she continued when she saw Danny's facial expression. "Everything is fine so far. You can go in. I'll show you the room."

"Detective Williams. That is faster than we thought. But it is nice to see you again. Have a seat.
I am sorry I had sent you out earlier, but I only ever have the patient's well-being in mind and it seemed to me that commander McGarrett didn't want to share anything while you were in the room. Now that everything is cleared…"

"Oh, is it? Great." Danny chipped in, sarcasm dripping from his words.
"Yes, it is. But probably not in the way you think."
"I don't understand." Danny was confused.
"I talked to the commander and checked him over. As far as I can say his answers were honest and he asked me to tell you everything - if you want to hear it that is."
"What? I mean of course, I want to hear it, but…why…ah, just keep going."
"Commander McGarrett told me you were best friends, partners, trusted each other with your lives and that you were his next of kin. He allowed me to share every medical related information about him with you as long as you are interested."
"There it is again: "if I am interested, if I want to hear it". What is that all about? He knows that. I've told him a hundred times."
"I am sure he knows, but frankly speaking the commander isn't exactly sure of himself right now. He is full of fears, self-doubt and guilt. Even I can see that and I am not a psychologist. He has told me a few of the things you have done for him and I am impressed, but he doesn't want to bother you, doesn't want to be a burden. He said he trusts you with everything, but he can't look you in the eyes and tell you or ask for anything."
"He is ashamed of himself, because he thinks he is weak." It was a statement not a question from Danny.
"He didn't say that, but I agree with you."
"I need to talk to him. Thanks doc." Danny stood up.
"That is not possible right now. The commander is asleep and won't wake till tomorrow morning. Have a seat. Just a few more things."
Danny sat down again.
"For today the commander is asleep and we also put him back on IV for fluids. He had not only brought up his dinner but his lunch as well and he didn't drink very much either. He is scheduled for a gastroscopy for tomorrow morning, see if there is another reason than "just" the consequences of untreated depression, PTSD and stress. We will add some anti-nausea tomorrow to give him some relief with that. Due to the endoscopy we had to postpone the talk with the psychologist though. I hope that won't bring any trouble for you?"
"I didn't even know there was one."
Dr. Warner sighed. "Dr. Anderson had made an appointment with the commander and suggested to bring someone along to help make multiple decisions and for general support. Can you imagine he might have asked someone else?"
"…No."
"I've noticed some hesitation. You had someone in mind?"
"Just for a moment. But this is not possible. At least not for tomorrow. I just think he didn't ask me for the same reasons he wanted me to leave. Do I need permission to join him?"
"Of course. He had given me permission to share information with you, but we still need his agreement for any kind of treatment. We can't medicate him with anything he doesn't want nor can we keep him here against his will – as long as he is not suicidal. And I haven't seen any signs of that – yet."
Danny cringed "Yet? You expect that to happen?"
"If he continues the way he did over the last year or so, Dr. Anderson is sure this is going to happen sooner or later."
"I will be there tomorrow. Can I see him?"
"He is asleep remember?"
"Doesn't matter. Just for a moment."
"Sure. You know where his room is. Just go."

Steve was fast asleep. He looked relaxed, his chest was rising and falling in an even rhythm and there were no signs of a nightmare.
'I wish he could sleep like this every night and without medication' Danny thought.
He took the chair he had used earlier, sat down and took Steve's hand in his. Despite the peaceful sleep his friend was currently in, Danny noticed again how skinny Steve had become and how haggard he looked altogether and wondered again why he hadn't noticed anything.
"Hey, babe," he started. "It's good to see you sleeping like this. I hope it is going to help. Tomorrow is a busy day. I am going with you to the psyche appointment. I know I've said this before, but it seems you didn't listen: You are not alone anymore. You have people around you who love you, who care about you, who will support you. Please, don't deal with everything alone. That doesn't make things better – not for you and not for us." He gave Steve's fingers a final squeeze and after saying "I love you buddy", he left the room.