Chapter 13

When Danny came back to the hospital the next morning, they had Steve already taken for his examination.

He opened the window to let some fresh air in and hoped it would help him to get rid of his tiredness. He hadn't slept very well, his thoughts circling around Steve and what the doctor had told him and all the things Steve had told him the past months since his mother had died starting with the conversation in Washington "life on life's terms or not at all". But there had been more. The words and the way he had said things at the cemetery "We've always got a case...the last thing I need in my life is another mystery…so much has changed recently, maybe I feel a little lost right now".

And it continued at the beach during the "Lincoln-Cole-case": "I have the feeling like I am protecting anybody but myself. I would have liked to get old and watch sunsets, but I don't know anymore. I tried to distract myself with a bunch of things like dating and the restaurant. Ten years ago, I hit the ground running – hard. And I've been running ever since. I need a little time away to get some perspective." And of course, the answer to the question "Do you think you are capable of being done?" "I don't know – maybe…."
Danny was asking himself why he hadn't made the connection, hadn't done more and if he could have done something to prevent all this.

He stood at the window inhaling the fresh air when Steve got wheeled back in.

The same nurse as yesterday reconnected the IV and started a new bag of fluids.
"Hey," Danny said. "He fell asleep on the way back? I thought he had enough of that during the night."
"No, we've given him a slight anesthesia. He will be awake again in a few minutes."
"Anesthesia? For a gastroscopy? I thought they are done without one."

"Usually yes, but if a patient asks for one, they won't be denied."
"Steve had asked for one?"
"Yes. But as I said it is only a slight one and he will be awake soon. I'll administer the anti-nausea now, so he hopefully can eat something in an hour or so."

"Hey buddy. Welcome back," Danny said when Steve opened his eyes.
"Danny? What are you doing here?"
Another stab.
"You want me to go again?"
"No. I am sorry. It wasn't meant like that. I just haven't expected you that early. And I am…I am sorry for yesterday. I…I just couldn't…I don't want…want…I don't know Danny. I am sorry," Steve stuttered.
"You know you can talk to me, right? Doesn't matter what you tell me, you will still be my Super SEAL okay? I know you think you are weak, but you are not. I am actually proud of you that you accepted to stay here and talk to a psychologist. That is a great step and I want you to trust me with everything that is going to happen. You don't have to be…ashamed or whatever you think you need to be. Everything is just human and I will love you unconditionally and forever," Danny comforted.
"I trust you Danny," Steve said in a low voice.
"Then why…why did you send me away?" frustration was evident in Danny's tone.
"I don't want you to think about me all the time. You need to be concentrated while you are out in the field. I…I just think that the…the less you know the less worried you will be."
"No. it's the other way round. I need to know what is going on in your head. It's driving me crazy not to know what is on your mind, what's bothering and plaguing you." Danny enforced.
"Why?" Steve couldn't grasp why and how someone could be so interested in his feelings and well-being.
"Because you are part of my family and I care about you," was Danny's simple answer.
"I know you do. An I appreciate that. I really do. But…I don't…want you to know…to see/experience what I had. I don't want you to dream about that too – end up like this." Steve said sadly.
"I won't," Danny reassured him.

"You don't know that. There are terrible things. I have experienced a lot of things you can't even imagine right now – and that is good and I like to keep it that way – but I had also done things you don't want to know about. And…I…I… don't want you to look at me again the way you had done in Montana. I know it was a shock for you. But you were also disappointed. And if you be that again, you'll deprive me of your kids, you…you will leave me like…like everyone else. And I don't want that. I…need you, Danny. You…you are the only constant in my life – the only one I can rely on, who never lied to me, never betrayed me. Because of you I hadn't lost hope yet." Everything came just spluttering out of Steve's mouth without stopping. He needed to get it out now or he would lose his courage again.
Danny nodded. "You are right, Montana was tough. I still don't like what I have seen and heard, but I understood that you needed to do that to save your own life. And you are also right that I don't want to see something like that ever again. But I know you haven't done or will do things like that for fun. You will only do that to save lives. And I would never leave you because of that. And I sure as hell would never ever take my kids away from you. I know you love them and would never hurt them. I know you would die without having second thoughts to keep them safe. And that is more than I can ask for. You are the best friend I've ever had." Danny was dead serious and meant everything the way he had said it.
"Why? What have I ever done for you? Nothing – except getting you in trouble. You on the other hand…you have done everything for me."

"What have you done for me? I tell you what: You made sure that my daughter had one of her best days in her life when she could swim with the dolphins, you helped me to make Rachel stay here – twice! You helped me with my sorrow and guilt after Matty's death, you made sure I came back from Columbia, you are having my back every day, you would give your life to save mine, you rescued me after Daiju Mei and first of all you made this Island a home for me."
"Great. I am a hero," Steve stated sarcastically. "You flew around the world for me – twice! You gave me a part of your liver. You were there for me…af…after Joe, after mom…"
"What is this? Some kind of competition? You want me to lose a kidney or something, so you can pay me back?"
"No! I…"
"We both do what we have to do. We are even Steven. Okay?"
"Okay."

"Commander McGarrett." The nurse said entering the room. "I have something to eat for you – call it a late breakfast. Would you like coffee or tea?"
"Coffee please. And just a toast or something. Don't feel like eating."
"Are you still nauseous?"
"No. Just not hungry."
"But you need to eat. You don't want to have a feeding tube, do you?"
"No, of course not.
"Good. It isn't that much anyway, considering lunch is coming soon too. It would be good if you could manage it all – and keep it inside of course."
It really wasn't much and Steve ate it all. And it stayed inside.

When Steve was finished, Danny said "Dr. Warner told me you have another psyche session this afternoon, regarding your "test" results and treatment. I am going to join you."
"You don't have to." Steve said a little too fast.
"I know I don't have to. I am doing this by choice," Danny said determined.
"You sure?" Steve asked a little unconfident.
"Of course, I am sure," Danny confirmed.
"It's going to be bad. You'll find out how disturbed I really am," Steve stated sadly.
A few months ago Danny would have said "I already know that", but he wasn't sure if Steve was up for this joke today.
"Why do you say that?" he asked instead.
"Because the doctor had asked me a lot of questions yesterday. And I…had to answer a lot of them with yes and…when they were about the frequency with very often or every day."
"I can imagine that, but that's why you are here for," Danny soothed. "To find out what's not exactly going the right way at the moment and also to find a way to change that again."
"Yeah," was all that came out of Steve's mouth.
"Hey, come on. We'll do this together – like we always do. Okay?"
Steve nodded "Okay."

"Good afternoon commander McGarrett. Come in. Looks like you took my advice and brought someone along. Hello, I am Dr. Anderson and I assume you are detective Williams?"
"That is correct. Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too." Both men shook hands.
After the introduction was finished and everyone had taken a seat, Dr. Anderson started the conversation.
"Dr. Warner already told me that your gastroscopy came back clear. That is very good and I'd like to keep it that way and that is why we are here today.
You've already had some experience with psychological evaluations, so I guess you know that the questions I've asked you yesterday were meant to find out on which level of certain indispositions you are.
And it was quite expressive. I've tested you for several issues which are all related somehow though. You had high scores on PTSD, anxiety and depression and your stress level is totally of the charts.
And I want to change that. To achieve that goal, we need to make a therapy plan. And that's why you are here today. There won't be a one-on-one talk. We are just here to develop that plan. Do you have any questions so far?"
"No," Danny answered while Steve just shook his head and looked at his hand which were folded in his lap.
"Okay. The first thing we have to do is to continue with the sleeping pills for the time being. You will also sit with a nutritionist to see what is good for you at the moment and what isn't. That doesn't mean he/she is going to dictate you what to eat, but it should help you to get a keen sense of what to reduce and where to up."
"When are we going to do this? I am not here that long anymore." Steve said with determination.
"That would have been my next point. Actually, I'd like you to stay here for some time. We are going to transfer you to the psyche ward tom…"
"No!" Steve cried out and sprang to his feet. He was furious.
"You…you can't do that! I am not crazy! I don't stay here! I am not a prisoner! I…"
"Commander, please have a seat, try to calm down and let me explain. We are here to talk about things. I didn't mean the locked ward. I've said the psyche ward. It is for people with psychological or psychosomatic diseases. If you don't have an appointment of any kind, you can go wherever you want. You won't be locked up and you have a room for yourself. Now, please sit down again and try to breathe. You are starting to hyperventilate."
Steve did as he was asked, but he didn't say anything and was still agitated.
"We thought…" the doctor started again.
"We?!" Steve shouted and jumped up again. "We?!" he repeated. "What is this? A set-up? It's already decided." He glared at Danny, rage and disappointment in his eyes and on his face.
"I thought we wanted to discuss things. Looks like there is no need to. I have no say in this. But I tell you what! I HAVE! And I am leaving!"
"Steve!" Danny jumped to his feet too and stood in front of his friend now, blocking the way to the door.
"Commander McGarrett," Dr. Anderson said in a calm voice. "Please sit down. Nothing is decided yet. You have a say in this and your friend doesn't know anything about any of this. When I say "we" I mean the colleagues I consulted with, but if you feel better, I say "I" from now on. Please have a seat and listen. You have plenty of time afterwards to think and discuss."
It took a moment for Steve to let the words sink in. When he finally understood what the doctor had just said, his glare turned into an embarrassed look and he said "I am sorry, Danny. I thought…I am sorry that I've ever thought that. I am sorry." He sat down and looked at the floor in front of him.
"Do you need a moment or do you want to continue?" the doctor asked.
Steve didn't answer, he just looked down.
"Commander, please. Talk to me."
No answer.
"Okay, we'll take a break. If you need any help, I am right through that door."

"Steve, please talk to me. Tell me what's wrong." Danny pleaded.
"'verything," Steve answered almost choking trying to hold back tears.
"That's why we are here," Danny said feeling with his friend. "To fix this."
He touched Steve's arm, but the latter recoiled like he had just burned himself.
"Don't! Just don't! I…I don't want your sympathy. Don't…don't deserve it." It sounded so sad and defeated that the tears welled up in Danny's eyes as well.
"Hey," he brought out. "I will not pity you, but you will always deserve my sympathy. You've been through too much to not deserve it."
"I can't do this," Steve whispered. "I can't stay here."
"You don't have to. But the doctor wants the best care for you and we should hear him out first, consider our options, okay?"
"I am so tired, Danny," Steve admitted and Danny could tell that it was true. He could see it on his face and hear it in his voice.
"I know you are. Do you want me to ask if we can do this tomorrow?" Danny asked softly.
"No, no. Wouldn't change anything."
"'kay. You want us to continue or do you want to go outside for a moment to get some fresh air?" Danny asked, using the same soft tone as before.
"You staying?" surprise in Steve's voice.
"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I?"
"Because I…I just accused you of betrayal and…"
"It's okay. I've probably had thought the same if I'd been in your shoes. Come on. Let's get this done."

"

I have to apologize commander. I should have taken a different approach. So: I am sorry. The point is, I want you to have the best care possible. I've made a therapy plan. Some of it you need to do and on some of it you can choose. We have some options there. If you have already experience with one or the other, you can choose right away or you can try out.
Nothing is decided yet. We can still change things, discuss other options make compromises. How does that sound?"
"Okay…I guess." Steve answered reluctantly.
"Good. How about I tell you the plan, you listen and at the end of it you can ask questions, tell me what you don't want or what you would like to do. You can also discuss everything with detective Williams – in private – and we talk afterwards."
Steve nodded "Okay, but can…can I have something to drink first?"
"Of course you can. Anytime."

"So, here is the plan. As I said before, I want you to get the best care we have. That's why I want you to stay for a few weeks, teach you some basics, organize your day and start with the one-on-ones.
The one-on-ones is something you have to do, there is no way around it. You can continue with me or you can try with someone else. You need to find someone you can trust, someone you "connect" with, can open up to. If you don't like your therapist, therapy doesn't work.
We can do group therapy, but this is something you can choose or we can add later on.
You have to take your meals in the dining hall with the other people on this ward.
You have to do at least two sports like "water gymnastics", Nordic walking or hiking, spinal exercises, yoga or Pilates.
We have relaxing lessons like Jacobson or Tai chi and also some creative courses like art, craft, dancing – that has nothing to do with learning to dance, it is more a way of expressing yourself – or cooking. You need to choose at least one. This sounds like a lot to do, but you are not doing everything of it and not every day. There will only be three to five appointments a day. You have a lot of time for yourself, where you can do, whatever you want. You can even leave the hospital grounds. Just tell the caregivers that you are going out.
Speaking of caregivers. They are here to support you. If you need help with anything, you can ask them. If you need to cancel an appointment, you can tell them. If you need some pain or sleep medication, they will help you. There is always someone in their office.
The last point is that I would like to put you on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, see if this is going to help to reduce your stress level.
That's the supporting program. We'll talk about the details later. Do you have any questions or do you want to discuss everything?"
Steve didn't answer, he just stared at the floor again.
"I have questions," Danny said.
"Shoot."
"Can I come visit?"
"Of course you can. We don't restrict anything here, especially not personal contacts. We even recommend them. If you announce it, you can even stay overnight and get meals too. You have to pay for both though. Please ask at the information desk how much. Don't know about that right now. Anything else?"
"The group therapy. Do they all have the same problems?"
"No. Indeed there are all kinds of problems – personal, occupational, health related – but the outcome is the same: stress, depression and anxiety. They can all help each other."
Steve still made the impression that he didn't want to participate in the conversation, but Danny wasn't done asking questions yet.
"The meals. You've said Steve is getting some support with the nutrition. Did he get something different than the others?"
"No. We have three different meals to choose from. One is hearty, one is nutrition-conscious and one is vegetarian. And we always have salad. You can mix the components to your liking. We are just giving advice. That doesn't mean the commander isn't allowed to eat a burger or pizza (not that this is available here) and nobody is standing by his side watching what he is taking.
We do have an eye on his blood work though."
"You said he can leave the hospital grounds. How far is he allowed to go?"
"As far as he wants as long as he is back for the night at 10 pm. On Sundays he can be away the whole day, even "skipping" the meals. Only condition he needs to tell us and he has to eat somewhere else."
"What about cancelling appointments? You said that is possible?"
"Yes, it is. But only for plausible reasons like for example headaches or sickness not because you want to go surfing or something like that."
"Okay. Thanks. Steve, do you want to ask something too?"
The SEAL didn't say anything, he just shook his head and continued to look at the floor.

When the doctor had left, Steve asked "When did this happen? When…when did I lose my way?" He was barely audible, but Danny heard and understood him nonetheless. He knew this was going to be a long road to recovery - with lots of painful memories, anger and breakdowns. But unfortunately, it was the only way and although he wanted, he couldn't take this away from his friend. He could only try to make it a little easier for him.
"Babe, can you look at me...please?"
When Steve looked up, Danny's heart broke another time for his friend. Steve's eyes were full of sadness and the glimmer of hope and reassurance that was usually there – even in the most forlorn situations – was gone as well as the sparkle of life and energy.
"Come on, get up," Danny said softly.
"Why?" Steve was confused.
"Just do it, okay?"
Steve was still confused, but it was Danny asking him to do something, so he complied.
When he was standing, Danny hugged him – tight. One arm around his friend's body, the other on his neck, pressing the head in his own shoulder. Then he whispered into the SEAL's ear "You did nothing wrong. Sometimes things just happen. We've got your back. You can do this. You'll find your way back. I promise."
Steve didn't say anything. Actually, he couldn't say anything. All he wanted was to cry but he held back. He had already cried on Danny's shoulder once. And although it had felt good – somehow – he didn't want to do it again. Danny was his friend - his brother - and wanted to stay bis his side. Steve didn't want to risk losing him. And although Danny had said crying was okay and he wouldn't think any differently of him, Steve couldn't let go, couldn't forget everything he had been taught his whole life just like that, so all he thought was 'Don't cry, just don't cry. Don't get weak again. You are pathetic enough already. Joe would turn over in his grave if he could see you like this."