Chapter 14

Both men stood like this for over fifteen minutes.
"You better?" Danny asked softly.
"No, came the sad but honest answer. "But thanks for trying. I…I think we should start talking. Don't want the doc to come back and we haven't even started."
"Don't worry about him. He said we should take our time."
"They always do. But they don't mean it."
"You don't trust him? Remember you can ask for someone else."
"No, he is okay…I think…I don't know anything at the moment. I feel like this is all too much for me. I…I am sorry, Danny. It's just…I…I don't know what…what to take…what is good for me. I…I…how…how could I have ended up like this? I feel so useless and incompetent, but I think that only shows how screwed up I am." The last sentence was spoken in anger.

"Hey, you are neither useless nor incompetent. You are having a hard time right now, which – after everything I've seen - is only understandable and I've only seen half of it – if anything. And we are here to sort things out, one after the other. How about we have a look at the pros and cons? See if this makes things easier to decide."
"'kay."
"Do we want to start with the toughest decision - and don't get mad again – staying here?"
"What choice do I have." It was a statement not a question and it sounded defeated.
"Doctor said nothing is decided yet, so I think you have a choice. And I know you don't want it, but I think you should at least think about it."
"Why? You want to get rid of me?" Steve asked knowing full well that this was neither what Danny had in mind nor meant and that it was an unnecessary and nasty comment. "I am sorry, Danny. I…see…I can't even talk to someone without offending them. What does that tell you?"
Steve was angry at himself for having asked this question about wanting him gone and for being the way he was. Danny was unfazed by Steve's questions and his angriness. He knew exactly where it came from and how difficult it was to act against that. And in a way he was glad about the reaction. It only showed that Steve wasn't apathetic about his situation. He was angry and that meant he was still willing to fight.
"Look at the pros here: No board to pay, no driving to your therapy sessions, people around you who are having similar problems, you can compare notes with them, swap ideas about coping mechanisms. You have something to do, you get active again. There is immediate help for every question you might come up with. If you feel alone, you can meet up with the others and you can still do whatever you want."
Steve just stared at Danny.
"What?" the latter asked.
"It…it sounds so easy when you say that."
"No. It is not easy. I know that. But you have to try and see the good things. They are all on your side here and whatever happens is going to help making you feel better – even if it won't feel like that in the beginning."
Steve had a smirk on his face.
"What's so funny?" Danny wanted to know.
"Nothing exactly. I just never expected to get a pep talk about positive thinking from you."
Now Steve even flashed a smile in Danny's direction.
"But thank you – again."
"So you are staying here?"
"I…I don't know. But I think about it."
"That's all I asked."
They talked about the rest as well and in the end, they had a plan they could talk about with Dr. Anderson.

At the end of the day Steve had agreed to stay two weeks. If it wouldn't work for him at all he'd go home and try as an outpatient, although Dr. Anderson strongly advised against that anew. But he offered Steve to return within another two weeks if it would make things worse.
If the two weeks as an inpatient were manageable for him, he'd stay another six weeks. Another extent was possible, but they would talk about that later.
Steve also agreed to craft and cooking, Jacobsen and meditation, spinal exercises and water gymnastics. He was also granted the opportunity of swimming beyond therapy sessions – that meant early morning or after dinner. He would get his plan for the following week on every Sunday.

The two friends grabbed a coffee at the little cafeteria and went outside.
"Hey, how you feeling?"
"Can…can we talk about something else? I…I don't want to be rude or something, I…I just…"
"It's okay. You don't have to apologize. I understand."
They talked about random stuff instead and after finishing the coffee returned to Steve's room.
Steve made a list of what he would need for his stay and Danny promised to bring it the next day.
"Hey, you'll do," Danny encouraged his friend when he noticed him zoning out on their conversation.
"What?" Steve asked confused.
"I said "you'll do", because I could see you thinking again."
"Yeah, sorry."
"Stop apologizing. I know it is hard."
"Yeah," Steve admitted.
"You can call me anytime."
"I know."
"I know you know, but you have to do it too. Don't hesitate. I am by your side."
"I know. It is just…just…" Steve stammered.
"Tell me."
"I already did, but I can't shake it off like that."
"I don't expect you to. So, what's up?"
"I am…I am scared man."
"That's normal, okay? You have a long road ahead of you, a lot of memories will come up. It is scary. But I think you are working with a great team here and the meds will help too."
"What if they don't?"
"They will. Maybe not right away, but they will. You have to believe in it."
"I try Danny. I really try, but…but I am still scared. I don't trust myself anymore with anything. I have always been self-conscious and confident about my actions, but at the moment there is nothing but self-doubt."
"And it is your right to feel this way. But all this thinking is tiring you out even more. How about we go to dinner together and then you take your sleeping pill?"
"Don't think it is good to avoid things."
"You are not avoiding anything. Your one-one-ones will be tough and you need a goodnights sleep to rebuild some strength for that. Having nightmares won't help you."
"I know."
"Come on. Let's eat something. Get your mind of things."
"Not hungry."
"But you need to eat as well. Come on, just a bit."

Steve did eat something, but after Danny had left, Steve brought it up again. He felt tired and miserable, asked for his pill and fell asleep until the next morning when a nurse came in to tell him it was time for breakfast and after that his transfer to the new ward.

Thanks to another anti-nausea pill, the breakfast stayed in.
Since Steve didn't have much of anything there yet, the transfer went well. He got a nice tour through the ward and every other place he would be visiting over the next few weeks like the swimming pool, the canteen and the cooking area for the training course. He also got introduced to all the care workers on shift.
They all seemed to be very nice. The worker who had shown him around, told him that she needs to take his weight and that she needed to draw some blood tomorrow before breakfast. She also handed him a cup for a urine sample he should bring back to that appointment. She then handed him the therapy-plan for the rest of the week and explained that he could do whatever he wanted until the first appointment in the afternoon – a one-on-one with Dr. Anderson.

"Have a seat commander. You okay with your room? How was your welcome?"
"Why?"
"Because I want you to feel comfortable."
"Everything is fine."
"Okay. If you have problems of any kind…you know we are here to help as best as possible."
"Okay."
"Do you have questions?"
"No."
"Let's get started then. Do you want to start with anything or do you want me to?"
"Y…you."
"I'd like to start with your friend Danny."
"What about him?" Steve flared up. "He is the best friend I've ever had. There is nothing bad to say about him!" he continued.
"Why do you think I want to say or hear something bad?"
"Because that is what you always do. You try to find out what we think about the other. If we try to blame things on the others or take responsibility for what went wrong. Play us off against the other. And none of this…none of this is Danny's fault."
"I am sorry commander McGarrett if you had made experiences like that. But if was not my intention to discredit him. It was quite the opposite. I was about to say that you two seem very close, but your little outburst already answered my question."
"I am sorry."
"No need to. I understand your reasons. But try to remember: I will provoke you from time to time, ask questions that you'd rather not like to answer, but I will never question your friendship with Detective Williams, because I have seen enough between the two of you. And I am glad you have someone by your side you can and do trust unconditionally. It is not my intention to destroy that."
"I am sorry," Steve said again and blushed, feeling embarrassed by his own actions. "I…I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. I…I…just…" he stammered.
"It's okay commander. We both need to get to know each other. It will take some time, but I think it will work out.
Now, back to your friend. As I understood, he was the last of your many "events" that brought you here."
"Yes."
"You've already told me a bit, but can you tell me what had happened from the beginning?"
"He…he got…got kidnapped," Steve started halting and told his doctor about how he had heard everything over the phone, about the video they had received, the handover of the cipher, the drive to the house and how he had found Danny on the floor – unconscious, bleeding and half dead. Steve more or less stammered the whole time, reliving every scene and needed his first break while he was explaining the shock of finding Danny like this. How helpless he had felt, how much rage had built up inside of him – about Daiju Mei, about his mother about the world.

He continued ten minutes later in the same halting and stammering way. How he had rubbed Danny's sternum to rouse him, how he had half carried half dragged him to the car, admitting that he didn't remember anything after that – only the fear and desperation of losing him. He admitted to having demanded god to take himself instead of Danny, how the doctor had told him that Danny had made it through surgery and he could see him. How relieved he had been to see Danny – beaten, hurt and still unconscious, but alive and breathing. How he had known that Danny would make it after taking his friend's hands in his. By the time Steve was done, hot tears were flowing down his cheeks in an endless stream with no sign of stopping anytime soon.