Chapter 16

Due to his injured hand, Steve couldn't participate in most of his courses during the first week. The only ones left, were the relaxation exercises – Jacobsen and meditation. Although they helped him to calm down a bit – get his racing thoughts to stop or to slow down it didn't satisfy him. He needed something else – physical activity.

He started to run, but due to his exhaustion he didn't even manage a mile. He was out of breath and his legs cramped up. He had to walk back to the hospital – limping.
He took a hot shower then a cold, he screamed, he let cold water pour over his head he lay down, got up and screamed again. He thought about asking for a sleeping pill, but knew they wouldn't give it to him or he wouldn't get one for the night. He took another shower, hot, cold, hot, cold. It didn't work. He tried to do relaxation exercises – it didn't work. He could feel a headache coming, he started sweating, his breathing quickened. He pulled his phone out and dialed.
"Danny! Help me."
"Steve!? What happened?"
"I…I can't do this. I…I c…can't stay here."
"Steve. Slow down. Try to breathe. I am fifteen minutes, out, okay?"
Danny drove to the hospital, parked his car, ran to the elevator and entered Steve's room. All in all, it really just took the promised fifteen minutes.
Despite the hurry he had been in, he had managed to keep his voice calm over the phone and made Steve breathe normally again.
The first thing he saw upon entering his friend's room was the SEAL sitting on the floor with the back of his head against the wall and eyes closed.
"Hey, I am here," Danny said a low voice.
Steve opened his eyes.
"Hey," he answered.
"You okay?"
"No."
Danny sat beside his friend.
"What's wrong?" he asked softly.
"I don't know. Everything feels so…weird…In the old days I could adjust …to everything. Nowadays I…feel…lost everywhere. I get confused when I am at a new place. The thoughts…they…they get worse. I can't make them stop. And…the memories…they are…are suffocating me. And this…this is only the beginning. How…how am I supposed to make it through?"
Danny had seen his friend in a lot of dangerous – even life-threatening situations. He had seen him sick and hurt, but he had never seen him so lost and without hope and heard him speak with so much sadness and desperation.
He put an arm around Steve's shoulder.
"Hey, I've told you I am here for you. Tell me what I can do to help you," Danny tried to soothe him.
"You can't." The helplessness on those words hurt Danny.
"Don't say that. You know I'd do everything for you. There gotta be something."
"No, because you can't erase the memories. I see things and people wherever I go. Things I have witnessed and done, people who had died on my watch.
I…I worked so hard Danny. But it was never good enough to protect the ones I love."
It was a confession. And again: Danny had never thought to hear so much sadness, defeat and despair out of Steve's mouth. He had always been the one who had hope and believed in a way out of their respective predicaments – no matter how bad it had looked.
Danny pulled his friend closer and although he had a lump in his throat, he held his voice steady and said "I am still here, okay. And whatever is going to come your way we will fight it and beat it."
"I…I know. B…but I am so damn tired and it hurts so much," Steve choked out.
"I know it does." Danny rubbed Steve's arm gently.
"But it is the only way. And you are doing great work. You are opening up to the doc – to me. It is totally normal to feel like you feel. And the meds will start to help soon too. And I am so proud of you for calling me today. It was a big step. And although I can't promise you to be exactly here every time, I repeat my promise to be always there for you. Anytime, anywhere and no matter what it is about."
"I know and I love you for that. But I don't deserve that."
"Yes, you do. Because you are my brother and I love you too."

They had sat on the floor for almost another hour until Danny was finally able to coax Steve into getting up and lying down. The SEAL was a little unsteady and felt dizzy after getting up, but he made it to the bed with Danny's help. He shivered a few times too, but was asleep in under a minute. Danny took a chair and sat beside his bed.

After he was sure his friend was sound asleep, he called the care worker's office and asked if he could stay for the night.
"I know it is on short notice," he apologized, "but it is kind of an emergency. It won't happen every day." 'I hope,' he added in his head.
After he had reluctantly explained why, his wish got granted which was really a relief for Danny. He didn't know when his friend would wake up again, but he definitely knew that he didn't want him to be alone then.
After an hour of peaceful sleep, Steve started to show the first signs of a nightmare. He moaned and his legs started to thrash around before he started to mumble something unintelligible. It took a few moments before Danny's soft-spoken words took effect, but at least it did.
It happened three more times before Steve finally woke up.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" Danny asked softly.
"…groggy…tired." Steve answered slowly and in a low voice. Fatigue still evident on his whole body. He closed his eyes, but they shot open again when he heard a dialing tone.
"What are you doing?"
"Calling the care worker's office, so they can check you over."
"Why?"
"Because you are far from feeling good."
"I am going back to sleep after I get my pill. I will be better tomorrow."
"Probably, but they want to check you out anyway."
"How do you know?"
"Because they've told me."
"Why? When? How…how do they know?" Steve asked suspiciously.
"Because I've told them."
"Why? That hadn't been necessary." There was disappointment in Steve's voice then he got angry.
"I've called you because I wanted your help. I don't want them here all the time! You had no right to do that!"
"No, I hadn't," Danny admitted "and I didn't want to. But I want to be here for you tonight and I think you remember that we should tell them early. I had to explain to them why I hadn't done that. And it was okay. I am allowed to stay now. A cot will be brought in during the next two hours."
"Why?" Steve wanted to know.
"Because I've promised to support you in every possible way." Danny stated.
"You…you don't…I mean I appreciate, but you don't have to stay. You have a job to go to tomorrow and I need you to concentrate on it…I sleep pretty good with those pills."
"I know you do. And don't worry about work. I start two hours later than usual. It's all good."
"Thank you Danny."
Steve smiled sadly at his friend. He really appreciated it. He was thankful that Danny took action and he himself didn't need to ask for anything. But he felt also awkward because of that and embarrassed as well because he needed Danny and because it was so obvious that he was in need.