Chapter 18

Steve managed the next six days quite well. He had been swimming the last two – not only for the courses, but also in the morning. Sure, it wasn't the ocean, but being back in the water soothed his troubled soul a bit. The other courses kept him occupied – his mind and his body – and despite his expectations he liked them all.
Against his nature he tried to stay away from the other patients as much as possible. He didn't want to make new friends. He was happy with his old ones and he was working on getting back to them.

He missed the house, the ocean, the beach, Eddie…Eddie. He hadn't seen him since the day he had wanted to leave. Danny had asked Junior to take him, because he himself wouldn't have been able to take care of the dog at the time. Steve hadn't asked if he could bring him back, because he was too busy with his own problems. But now he was missing his dog very much.
'I need to ask Danny if he can arrange a meeting,' he made a mental note, but then he thought. 'But what about Eddie? He will be happy to see me, but then he has to leave gain, because I can't keep him here. He will be sad again. Is that fair? Maybe I should wait.'

Danny was calling or visiting his friend every day. Steve was thankful for that. He needed that. Danny was his lifeline – the talks gwere giving him hope. Hope that everything could go back to normal. That he could make it out of this. But his hopes got shattered every time he had a talk with Dr. Andrews. The psychologist had a way of bringing out the worst of Steve's memories. He didn't want to talk about them, but somehow, he always did. Somehow, Steve knew that it was necessary to bring them up, to talk about everything , to make him realize that not everything was his fault, that there were ways of coping, but he hated those sessions. They made him sick – two times literally – and sometimes he felt like he was going to suffocate on his words or drown in his tears.
Dr. Andrews helped him to calm down and to relax every time, before he let Steve go, but every time he was back in his room the feelings came back, overwhelming him.
Unfortunately, the relaxation exercises that had worked just a few minutes ago had no effect.
That resulted in the same reactions he already had before. Steve screamed, slammed the doors, sat on the floor with his knees up. He wanted to punch something – thankfully, he turned that into throwing thing against the wall instead of hitting it. He took cold showers until he felt numb, he took hot showers until his skin was red. It didn't help. He worked himself up until he was so exhausted that he crawled onto his bed, pulled the blanket tight around himself and closed his eyes.
Despite the blanket he was shivering hard for about half an hour before he finally fell asleep.
He slept through lunch and when he woke up two hours later, he felt a bit better. He went to the bathroom to answer the call of nature.
When he was done, he started to shiver again. His whole body was covered with goose bumps and his legs felt like jelly. He dragged himself back to bed. "Normal" people wouldn't see it that way, but for Steve the pain in his head and his joints was a relief. It overrode his thoughts and worries and pain had always been something he could handle.
And although it wasn't his "active achievement" to be in pain, he was proud that he got out of his episode without having to call Danny.

Danny knew Steve's therapy plan and he also knew that his friend was distraught after his one-on-ones.
He had wanted to be there today when the session finished to get the SEAL through the aftermath, but a case had frustrated his plan. He was way too late and had a bad feeling. He had called Steve, but his friend hadn't picked up. Danny feared that Steve had done something stupid again. He hoped otherwise though.

He knocked at the door. When he didn't get an answer, he tried the handle – the door was unlocked. Afraid that Steve was again hurting and hiding in the bathroom, he made his way in. "Steve?!" he called out and was a little surprised to see his friend sound asleep.
But obviously, it hadn't been the peaceful sleep Danny had wished for his friend.
Yes, Steve was asleep, but his face looked stressed. He was sweating although his blanket was barely covering him anymore. His fists were clenched his breathing labored.
'Damn, I should've been here," Danny thought. 'But at least this time it looks like he hadn't hurt himself.'
"No. Don't!" Steve said in his sleep and started to fight with his hands, punching his pillow repeatedly. Danny started to speak soothingly to him. It took almost a minute until Steve stopped the fighting. Then he moaned like he got disturbed before he finally relaxed and his sleep looked more peaceful. But Danny noticed that his friend's shirt was soaked with sweat and his skin was glistening with it too.
Danny went into the bathroom got two wet cloths, a towel and on his return a fresh shirt out of the closet. Then he started to talk to the SEAL again.
He came to – slowly.
"'m tired. Let me sleep," he mumbled and pressed one hand on his ear."
"I know. And you can go back to it. But we need to change your shirt." He nudged Steve's shoulder. "Come on. Wake up."
"No. Leave me alone!" The SEAL still felt groggy. He wanted nothing but to sleep and the in fact gentle voice and the offending hands were keeping him from that. He slapped the hand aside, but it came back every time and the voice didn't stop either.
He got agitated, but 'whoever is doing this is so persistent, it might be important.
He opened his eyes, but everything was blurry and he couldn't see right. But the voice…"Danny?" he asked.
`"Yes, babe. It's me. We need to change your shirt."
"Why? What happened?" Steve couldn't remember to have done anything that would require that.
"You are all in a sweat. I don't want you to get cold. Come on. It just takes a minute."
"Don't wanna. Don't feel good."
"Why not? What's up?"
"Just don't feel good. Don't need a reason." Steve was still more mumbling than actually speaking, but Danny understood his words nonetheless.
"That something to do with your psyche session today?"
It took a moment for the words to sink in, then Steve answered with anger and disappointment
"He promised me to not tell you!" Then he continued with just sadness "I am sorry Danny. I didn't want you to know about that."
"I didn't talk to Dr. Andrews. It was just a suggestion." Danny clarified.
"That is good." Relief flooded through Steve and then the sudden burst of energy he had, left him again.
"Good night Danno."
"no, no, no. Come on, buddy, Let's change your shirt first."
"Don't want to. Too tired."
"I know you are. I'll help you."
Steve didn't resist when Danny pulled his clothes off, wiped him with the cloths, dried him with the towel and put fresh clothes on, but he didn't help much either.
Before Danny had put the fresh shirt on, he automatically had a look on Steve's scar and the thought "how long is the one on his soul?" flashed across his mind for a second.
Steve had answered Danny's questions, but Danny had the feeling that his friend wasn't really with him and the SEAL was out again as soon as his head hit the pillow.
Danny called the care worker's office, explained what was going on and demanded to speak to Dr. Andrews.

"What happened? Why is he feeling this bad? Why aren't the meds working? Can we up them? What else can we do?" Danny blurted out as soon as the psychologist approached him.
"Why don't you come with me? There is a group room two doors away. It's empty now."

"I know you are upset, but I'd appreciate it if you could calm down a bit, so we…"
"I don't want to calm down! I want answers! I talked Steve into staying here, doing all this to get better, but it seems like this is not working. It is more like the opposite. And that is not acceptable. I know it is going to take a long time to get out of something like this, but I had at least expected an improvement by now. But it looks like the meds are not working at all, like Steve is worse than ever before and I…I can't accept that. He is my friend, okay? He is a great guy who deserves better than this."
"I agree with you and we are already working on ways to change that. But before I tell you what we have planned or already done I need to tell you that commander McGarrett is doing a good job here. He is actually talking about things he had seen, done and experienced. He is telling me about his feelings and fears. And he is doing that on his own – without me having to push him to anything. And that is exhausting – especially with the commander's experiences - and it makes him relive one or the other incident."
"What happened today? What did he tell you?"
"I can't tell you that. I know he had given me a free-pass, but sometimes he tells me not to tell you and today was one of those times. I am sorry."
"But it was a bad one." It was a statement not a question, but Dr. Andrews answered anyway.
"Definitely. I'd like to give you an idea about it and I hope I don't tell you too much when I say that I wish I hadn't heard that story, because I think it is going to haunt me in my dreams now. I had heard a lot of stories in my life – from other military personnel as well – but this one was so full of violence and cruelty…I think it is beyond a sane person's grasp and I wonder how someone can go on after something like this – especially in the same line of action – and still keep their sanity and the ability to make deliberate and reasonable decisions without having hate and fear in their hearts and minds. This takes someone who is either insane and/or deranged himself or someone who is incredibly strong and determined…but it are always occurrences like this that are bringing the good people down and to places like this."
Danny was silent. He just didn't know what to say. Whatever it was that Steve had told Dr. Andrews it was something his friend would never forget, doesn't matter what kind of therapy he would get. He just hoped that Steve could find a way to live with it, that reliving it wouldn't destroy him completely. Unfortunately, Danny had the feeling that exactly the opposite was happening to his friend. Steve was falling apart and Danny felt helpless.
The doctor sensed Danny's thoughts.
"I didn't want to scare you detective. It is good that the commander is talking about all that, that he is doing it voluntarily. That way we are able to help him much better and faster. I know it doesn't look like it for you. But as I said we are working on that.
Considering commander McGarrett already had to take a bunch of different medications for his liver and his immune system and his problems with meds in general, I hadn't started him on the highest possible dose to avoid the risk of severe side effects. But since there weren't any problems, we've changed that five days ago, so I am confident they are going to help him soon.
But I have to warn you: that doesn't mean everything will be back to normal. It is "just" going to help with some of his issues, like anxiety, depression, guilt and it is going to calm him, but he will still feel tired and exhausted – mainly because of his still bad general state of health."
"Why is that? He is eating regularly and much better than before. And he even goes by the nutritionist's advice."
"That is true. But he is still not eating enough and he admitted to having thrown up a few times despite the medication. He is getting a new one again this evening and we also changed his diet. He is getting smaller portions, but instead of three meals he is getting five and we are even adding high caloric in-between meals as drinks, starting tomorrow."
"So we are back to square one? Testing everything until it might help?"
"No. The meds will help. The commander is going to improve – physically as well as mentally – and you will see progress. I promise you that."