Chapter 19

Danny wasn't completely convinced, but wanted to believe what the doctor had said, he needed to believe it. Steve couldn't go on like this much longer and Danny neither.

Danny returned to Steve's room. One of the care workers was still there.
"How is he doing?" Danny asked.
He is having a slight fever of – 38,0 °C / 100 °F. That's not too bad and he is asleep – which is good.
He needs the rest – even if he sleeps very well at night. Dr. Madison – the attending physician – recommended to not wake him for dinner – as long as he is sleeping this peacefully. He will get some high-caloric drinks when he wakes up to compensate. I assume you are going to stay tonight?"
"You are right."
"Then I am going to leave you now. If he gets uneasy try to calm him – talk to him, touch him. If he gets worse try to wake him up. You can call us when he is awake. Someone will bring the drinks. If you need help with anything, call us as well. We are happy to help."

The first time Steve got restless a few words from Danny were enough to calm him down. The second time around it wasn't. Contact was needed. It started with Danny grabbing Steve's wrist, then rubbing his arm and simultaneously going through his sweaty hair with his other hand. When this didn't work, he cupped Steve's cheek, stroking it slightly with his thumb while continuing his mantra-like speech "Steve, you are good, you are safe. Babe, listen to me. Everything is fine, I am here. Danno is here." Steve didn't wake up, but after flinching at the first contact, he now moaned and leaned into the touch until he finally stilled and fell back into a peaceful sleep.
Danny pulled his chair a little closer to the bed. Hoping that the contact would help to sleep a bit better, he took his friend's hand in his. And it looks like he was right. Steve's fingers curled around Danny's although he remained asleep.

Their fingers were still intertwined when the SEAL finally opened his eyes again. His vision was a little blurry and he needed to squint his eyes a few times before he could see clearly.
"Hey," he said. "I am sorry, Danny."
"What for?"
"I don't know. But I must have done something that scared you – again. I am in my bed and you are holding my hand, so I guess it had been bad. And I really didn't want you to go through that again. You…you really shouldn't come on those one-on-one days."
"These are exactly the days I want to be here. I…"
"Why? They…they are the worst and there is no need to see that – to worry even more."
"As I said before: It's much worse to not know what is going on. What you might do to yourself, because you don't ask for help."
"I don't want to bother you after every session. As I said before: You have a job to concentrate on and that you do that is much more important than…"
"No, it is not." Danny disagreed. It's both equally important. And if you don't want to call me at least talk to the people here – let them help you." Danny said almost pleadingly.
"I don't want that!" Steve answered with determination.
"Why not?" Danny asked needing almost every bit of control to say it nicely. Sometimes he just didn't understand his friend. Steve knew that he needed help, he had agreed to stayhere, he was opening up to Dr. Andrews – a psychologist, people he usually didn't trust at all – yet he refused to let other people near him.
"Because I am not the only patient here. They don't have time rushing to my side every time I have a booboo."
Now Danny was the end of his patience.
"Don't be ridiculous!" he snapped. "It's their job to do that! And it is not like you are calling every minute, okay!? They…"
Steve interrupted "I don't want to get touched, okay!?" he yelled back.
"What?" Danny asked.
"Ev…every time they are here, they…they are touching me, checking me over, ask…asking questions. I…I don't…don't…can't stand that. Especially not…not today, okay?" Steve stammered. His voice had softened after his earlier outburst. When he continued with his next words, it was barely above a whisper.
"It…it was…what…what…they…they…I can't Danny. I can't."
Steve was close to hyperventilating. His chest burned and felt tight.
Danny was about to touch him, when he remembered what Steve had just said, so he stopped mid-movement and started talking instead.
"Steve? Hey! Babe, come on. Slow your breathing. You are safe. Nobody wants to hurt you. We are alone."
It didn't work at all. Steve could feel his heart beat like crazy, he had trouble breathing and clutched his chest. He didn't notice anything else around him.
Danny noticed that talking alone wouldn't help his friend. Steve was in distress and Danny used the only method that worked every time. He took Steve's hands in his and squeezed them while he continued his talking. It took some time, but finally, with a deep sob, Steve came back to awareness, staring at his friend like he was seeing him for the first time.
"Danny?" he asked confused, wondering what Danny was doing in this part of the world.
"Yeah, it's me. I am still here. And you are still safe."
"No! The kids…we…we have to save them – the r…rest of them," he insisted.
"No. No, buddy. You are already safe. We are on Oahu. It's over."
Steve looked around and recognized the familiar room.
'How's that possible? I've just been in hell. Now I am home.'
It took another moment to realize that the only possible explanation was a flashback – in broad daylight and far away from any possible danger or threat. He blushed with embarrassment and looked away.
"I am sorry."
'God, how many more times until he learns this?' Danny asked himself, but said out loud "Stop apologizing. It's not your fault. Neither what happened nor that you get nightmares and flashbacks."
"I know. But I can't control them. I am not strong enough. And…"
"That's bullshit!" Danny interrupted angrily.
"No. They taught me that I…"
"I know what they taught you – all of them! But it is still bullshit! They lied to you Steve! Someone who isn't strong enough never would have made it through SEAL training. But you did! But there is a limit to everything. You can't experience trauma after trauma – a lot of them wrongly or even untreated – without getting scars on your body and on your soul. It is impossible. At least if you are human. And despite my more than once voiced opinion about that you have proven – also more than once – that you are still exactly that: A human being! And I am thankful that they hadn't been able to destroy that. I love you the way you are – just like you love me the way I am."
"How do you know that?" Steve asked mechanically, wiping away a tear that had escaped his eyes.
"Because you've told me once. Asking me not to change."
"I meant that."
"I know."

After a long and hot shower, some fresh clothes and a new anti-nausea pill the two friends sat down for something to eat. The care worker had not only brought the promised high-caloric drinks, but also some fruits and sandwiches.
Though Steve was nothing but thirsty, he also ate half a sandwich, an apple and a banana on top of the two drinks. He was more than full after it, but he thought he needed all of that.

After returning from a walk to get some fresh air, they noticed that Steve's bed had fresh linen on – which had been absolutely necessary after all the sweating during the afternoon.
The SEAL was longing for his bed and a good night's sleep, but he didn't want to throw Danny out – nor wanted he to ask his friend if he'd like to stay for the night.
They started to watch a movie, but Danny noticed right away that Steve wasn't following. The SEAL had already nodded off a few times when Danny said "Hey, you don't have to try to stay awake for me. And to be honest I could use some sleep too. How about we call it a day and go to bed?"
"You staying?" Steve asked surprised but also full of hope.
"Of course, I do."
"You don't have to."
"I know I don't have to, but the bed is still here, I am too tired to drive anyway and not for love or money I want to miss the buffet tomorrow morning."
Steve knew that was only half the truth, but he didn't care.
He would sleep well again tonight because of the sleeping pill. He would wake up rested and didn't need to worry about his best friend when he'd wake up, because he would be here too and safe for the night.