Chapter 20
After an expectedly quiet night for both men, they went down for breakfast. Danny absolutely loved it. He ate a lot. At first, he had a bad conscience, but then he thought 'what the hey. I am paying for it' and helped himself. But he also had an eye on Steve, watching what and how much he was eating. And he was satisfied.
'I just hope it stays in. He really needs that.'
"Hey, you good?" he heard Steve asking.
"Me?"
"Yeah, you. Today it is me who can hear you thinking. What's going on?"
"Nothing. Just enjoying my breakfast."
"Just that?" Steve wanted to know, looking right through his friend.
"Yes." Danny could see that Steve knew there was more to it and he didn't want to lie to him. "…No. I am sorry Steve. Not just that. But I think we should talk about that another time."
"Why?"
"Because it is nothing to discuss during or right after breakfast," Danny confessed.
"I can't tell you Danny. I…I'd really love to include you, but there are things I just can't tell you. And that has nothing to do with not trusting you."
"I know and I don't want you to. But I need to know something. And it might bring you back to the place…you…you were yesterday."
"I just said I can't tell you!" came the angry reply.
"Keep your shirt on. I don't want to know. It's probably better. But as I said I need to know something."
"Then ask. Don't beat around the bush."
"I don't want to do that here."
"Why not?"
"I'd like to do it in a let's say…more safe and private environment."
"Why? You want to tell me how pathetic I am, you can do that here. I won't get mad. You are right and that means you are safe." Steve said flatly.
Danny was taken aback and didn't know what to say at first, wasn't sure if he had heard right or if Steve had tried to make a joke. He looked him in the eyes, searching for any hint of that, but couldn't find any. When Danny finally thought he was able to speak again, he was still upset though.
"What!? Why…why…are you saying this? You know I would never say – or even think! – that. And I really don't know why you always put that past me." The disappointment in Danny's voice was unmistakable even when he continued. "And I really don't know what I can say or do to change that."
"I am sorry Danny," Steve said sincerely.
"I know you are. But "I am sorry" isn't enough anymore. I am trying to support you, to understand what is happening to you, what is going on in your head. I really try and you say you trust me, but then you accuse me of things…bad things…that I'd never do, say or think. I don't understand that at all. What do you see in me, huh? The enemy? Someone who wants to hurt you? Someone who wants information to "sell" to your friends, so they know how fragile you are at the moment? Someone who just pretends being your friend, so he can go behind your back as soon as you turn around? What is it, Steven? Tell me."
Danny had spoken in a low voice, because he didn't want to attract the other people's attention, but the words sounded harsh and piercing and were also meant that way, because he really was at a loss about what he might have done to make Steve think this way.
Every time Danny had asked a question, Steve had shaken his head and said "no, no".
After the last question he just sat there, didn't know what to say. He knew Danny was on his side, that he was trying everything to help him and that it was out of his own character to accuse Danny of anything – yet he had done it – several times.
"You have nothing to say to that? Fine. Then think about it. Call me if you have an answer." Danny said angrily and stood up. When he was about to turn around, Steve frantically called out "No! Please, don't go!"
The desperation in the SEAL's voice made Danny stop, the next words made him sit down again.
"I am sorry. I…I don't know why I…I am doing this. I..I…I…please don't go." The words were a request, the tone was pure begging.
Steve had his hand on the table, but his fists were clenched, his whole body was rigid. Danny had the impression that his friend was on the verge of getting a panic attack.
"Steve, I am here. Look at me and try to relax."
"Please, don't go."
"I won't, okay? I am here. Look at me." Danny said softly and covered Steve's fists with his hands. "Hey, babe, come on, relax."
"…can't…need…air," Steve panted.
"You need to relax first. Come on, breathe for me."
After Steve had calmed down both men slowly walked outside and sat down on a bench.
A few deep breaths and a minute of silence later Steve repeated "I am sorry Danny. I…I know it is not enough…but…but it is all…all I can say. I have no explanation. I don't understand myself. I am sorry. And…you…you have every right to leave. I don't deserve your friendship. I am sorry. I wish…I wish…I can undo, but I can't and…and…"
Danny noticed that Steve was desperately trying to avoid tears and the next breakdown, so he made it a little easier for him.
"Steve, please stop."
Steve looked up and now Danny could see that said tears had already formed, but were not rolling yet.
The SEAL swallowed hard before he continued "I know it is a lame excuse," then he whispered "but it is all I have."
"I know you are not yourself right now, so I accept your apology, but I need you to let me help you."
When Steve wanted to say something, Danny held up his hand and said "No. It is my turn now. I know you can't tell me everything and I accept that as well – and I don't care if you can't tell me or don't want to. But I need you to tell me when you need my help and if you know what kind of help, I need to know that too. For example: Do you want to go out for dinner? Meet the team? Need me to come here and/or to stay here. Do you think you can do that?"
"I don't know." The answer was so soft-spoken that Danny could barely hear it.
"Why not?" he asked.
Steve had averted his gaze again and was staring at his feet when he answered a little louder than before.
"Because I am not in control of my actions. I…I do and say things…I don't want to do or say. I don't…don't know why. I only realize what I've done or said when it's too late. So, I can't promise you anything. Although there is really nothing I want more. I want to promise you to not hurt you again, to take the worry away from you. But I just can't."
"Will you try?" Danny asked softly.
Steve nodded "yes".
Danny put an arm around his friend "That's good enough for me. Do you need anything now?"
Steve wiped away the few tears which had made it out of his eyes despite all of his efforts to keep them in.
"I need you to go to work and concentrate on your job."
"No, not today. I take the day off."
"No. You can't do that. It's your job Danny – it's your life. And…and you can't stay away from it just like that. The team relies on you. They need you."
"Yes, it is my job, but there are more important things in life. And I am not staying away "just like that". I've already talked to the team last week, told them that I might need some personal days on short notice somewhere down the road. No problems there. I am going to call Cole and then we are good. So, tell me: what do you need? How can I help you?"
"F…for real?" Steve couldn't believe it.
"Yes, Steve for real."
"I…I'd like to go to the ocean. Doesn't matter where. I…I just need to see it."
"What about your courses?"
"I don't care. I need to get out of here. Please." He was back to begging.
"Okay. Are you okay to stay here for a few minutes? I am going to the care-workers office. Tell them what we are going to do."
"'kay." Steve nodded.
The drive to the beach was a silent one.
Steve hadn't even made an attempt of driving the car and was staring out of the window now.
Danny had wanted to ask his friend if he was okay, but he knew the answer and left it be.
Danny had wanted to reach the beach fast, but he had also wanted some quiet, so he chose a place that wasn't too crowded. They reached it within twenty minutes.
Both men got out of the car. Steve stared at the ocean for a few minutes without saying a word.
Danny observed his friend, watching every single change in his posture. It was a spectacle.
When Steve had exited the car, he had been tense, had been waling like he was sore all over. Then he closed his eyes, took deep breaths and inhaled the salty scent of the ocean.
The longer he stood there the more tension left his body. It was clearly visible. If it would be possible to measure tension, you would have seen the scale drop with every minute he stood there.
After about twenty minutes he finally moved, walked to the end of the beach, took his shoes off and let the water wet his feet.
Another ten minutes had passed when he moved again, entering the ocean until the water almost reached his knees. He closed his eyes again and spread his arms.
It was exactly how Danny remembered him standing on the beach after the heatwave a few years back – only that this time the sun warmed his skin instead of the rain cooling him down.
Danny had followed his friend onto the beach. He had taken off his shoes as well, the waves reached his feet from time to time, but he still stood outside the pacific.
He didn't know how much time had passed. Steve had already lowered his arms some time ago, but was still standing in the ocean with the water up to his knees.
His posture was relaxed, but it still looked like he was absorbing the nature around him.
It was starting to get hot and Danny wasn't sure if his friend had noticed it too. He walked into the water as well and addressed the SEAL from a few feet away not knowing how much of his environment he was aware off.
"Hey," Steve answered, letting his friend know that he had heard him.
Danny put a hand on Steve's neck and squeezed slightly. He never would have considered it possible, but the muscles that had been hard and tense when they had left the hospital felt relaxed and soft now.
"You good?" he asked.
"Yeah." Steve answered and actually smiled at his friend. "I needed that. Thank you."
They left the water and sat down in the shadow of a palm tree when Steve jerked and said "Danny. My courses. I have to get back."
Danny looked at his friend.
"It's fine. You are excused for today. I took care of it."
"You did? When?" Steve was confused.
"When I went to tell the staff what we are up to."
"I…don't remember that," Steve said embarrassed.
'Wow. He must have been more distraught than I thought,' but to give some comfort Danny said "It's okay. It was a tough morning."
Steve didn't comment that's why Danny asked after a few minutes of silence:
"How about I get us something to eat and drink from that food truck over there?"
"'kay," Steve replied with not much enthusiasm.
They ate in silence. When they were finished, Danny offered another bottle of water and pulled the meds out of the small bag he had fetched from the car. Steve was surprised again and wondered how Danny had gotten them, but took them without asking or arguing.
Another minute of silence.
Danny was about to say something, but Steve beat him to it asking "What is wrong with me, Danny?"
"Nothing is wrong with you, Steve. You are totally normal. That's what I tried to explain to you a few times."
"I don't feel normal…I feel like a gigantic idiot."
"But you are not. You are "just" sick, okay? It's like getting shot. Only this time your mind got hurt instead of an arm or a leg."
"Getting shot feels much better…it's...just pain." Steve stated.
"Yeah, and it is easier to treat."
Both men paused for a few seconds, but then Danny continued.
"Steve?" he asked.
The SEAL turned his head and looked at Danny.
"I know you are hurting – more than ever. I know that you don't know how to deal with it. But I also know that you can beat this and I definitely know that nothing is wrong with you.
You've told me once that you were raised to not show emotions. That you were taught showing them is weakness. You've also told me that you know that this is stupid. So please, see it that way. Showing emotions is not weakness, it is normal, part of being human and not a machine. If you don't have feelings and emotions, you are either dead or a psychopath. And you are none of the above. And I am thankful for it, because I don't want to have a friend without emotions."
Steve thought for a moment before he answered.
"I still know that it is stupid. And I have worked on accepting and showing them. And it was good – somehow. But now I can't control them anymore. They control me. And that is not good – no matter how you look at it."