Chapter 21

Although Danny had known about Steve's problems and issues, he had thought a lot about what he had heard from his friend on that day one the beach over the last few days. He was trying to figure out how he could help him more effectively – and he had drawn up a plan.
All he had to do now was to talk to Dr. Andrews, maybe to Steve as well, but he was still wavering if he would confront him with a fait accompli or not.
But that had to wait till tomorrow morning. He had just parked outside 5-0 headquarters to talk to Cole and then he needed to drive back to be there for Steve after his one-on-one.

"Have a seat commander.
How are you doing?"
"Okay…I guess."
"Heard you had cancelled your courses on Tuesday."
"Yeah. I am sorry. Couldn't do them."
"Can you tell me why?"
"I…I offended Danny – for no reason…again. We had…a fight. He…he wanted to leave. I…I panicked. If…if he leaves me, it is over…I have no chance of getting out…out of this."
"Why do you think that?"
"Because…because he is…the only one I can rely on. The only one who hadn't left…yet."
"What about other friends, family, your team, the woman you said you trust?"
"I don't…have…many friends. Just a few buddies from my SEAL time. I trust my team and I love my sister, but I can't talk to either of them about…this."
"Why not?"
"Because…I can't." Steve closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he continued.
"There…there are only two people I can…can talk to…open up to, confide my feelings to without…without feeling weird. They knew if something was wrong anyway. And…and…I just can't afford losing Danny. He is...my lifeline."
"What about that woman?"
"Catherine." Steve smiled absorbed in thoughts. "I love her. Actually, she is the love of my life, but it never worked out. She is very busy. Her job is our country. She just can't give it up."
"But you've said you can open up to her. That means you trust her despite her leaving you."
"Yes. I know it is weird, but there are times…times I just need her – even of it is just hearing her voice. It helps. I always think everything will be good again. After Joe…I had needed some resources. I called her.
The sound of her voice alone, had made me feel like I could go through it. And in the end, I got much more from her than just the intel.
She even came to the ranch, helped me through the worst and stayed until everything was over.
And although I hadn't called him, Danny had come too, had needed to see with his own eyes that I…I would make it."
"What happened after that?"
"Catherine returned to her job. Danny and I to Hawaii."
"Did you call her when Detective Williams got hurt?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I didn't want to bother her. It hadn't been that long ago that we had talked. She had called me…after…my mother…mother's death. Had wanted to come to support me, but I…talked her out of it."
"Why did you do that? I thought she is someone who can help cope."
"She is! But it's…it's so hard having her here and knowing she is going to leave again after I feel better. It gets worse every time that happens. I both love and miss her so much that it hurts." Steve sighed. "It's awful for both of us."
"Sounds like she loves you too. Did you talk to her about that? Maybe you can find a solution, even if it is a compromise – that is going to help the both of you."
"No, I didn't. We both have jobs which are unpredictable. Making plans is difficult. And I think she'll come back for good when she is ready."
"What about your sister?"
"No! She's been through enough already and finally has her life under control. She has a good job now and a daughter to take care of. I am proud of her and what she had achieved. I can't ruin that."
"If I understand you right over all the sessions we had so far, you are responsible for your team, your family and friends. But you don't want to "bother" anyone…Tell me, who is the most important person in your life commander?"
"Danny…and Catherine."
"I know you'd say that, but I tell you what: it is the wrong answer. Actually, you are the most important person in your life. Because if you are hurt or sick, you can't help anyone.
You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of others.
And it's about time you do that.
And I will help you to start with it."

"Danny?" Steve asked surprised when he saw his friend in front of his room.
"What are you doing here?"
"Yeah, it is nice to see you too," Danny answered sarcastically.
"Sorry, I haven't meant it like that. I just hadn't expected you yet."
"I know. I just thought you'd like some company after your one-on-one."
"I appreciate that, Danny. Thankfully, it wasn't that bad today."
"You sure?"
"Yes. It was just talking."
"It is always "just" talking. What was it about?"
"Friends, trust, family. Nothing to get flashbacks or nightmares from – thankfully. But I like that you are here anyway. Thanks Danny."
"Don't mention it.
Do you want to take a nap?"
"No. Did that before the session.
Actually, I'd like to go outside for a while. Need some sun."
"How about I'll get us a coffee?"
"Sounds good."

When Danny arrived at "their" bench, Steve had his eyes closed and was enjoying the sun on his skin.
"You good?" Danny asked upon his arrival.
"Yeah. Everything is fine. How about you? How is work?" Steve asked taking the coffee.
"Slow. But that is okay. As always, we all need to catch up on paper work and Cole, Grover and Adam are working on a drug case. They have some pretty good leads and hope to wrap it up soon."
"Great. Glad you are getting along with Cole."
"Yeah, we do. Very well actually. But I need to ask you something about him. Are you up for it? I mean I want to know it, but it needn't be today."
"If you want the job, it's yours." Steve simply stated.
"That is exactly what he had told me today. He said that I was back at work for quite some time now and wanted to know if I want to take the lead now."
"And?" Steve asked confused not knowing what his friend was getting at.
"I thought you wanted him to be the leader. Now Cole said he was just holding the place until I was ready again."
"And?" Steve repeated.
"Is that true?" Danny wanted to know."
"Yes, of course," Steve answered still not knowing what this was all about.
"Why?"
Steve couldn't believe his friend was asking this.
"Because you are the second in command and you deserve the lead – you've earned it. But you hadn't been in the condition to even considering work for a few weeks. Grover didn't want it and as good as the others are, they still need some more experience before they can take the lead."
"But I don't want the lead! Have you ever thought about that?" The question had some more stridency in it than actually intended.
"No," Steve frowned. "You are on board since the first day. You've always took the lead when I was gone. You have the experience and the knowledge and everybody's respect. You like to assume responsibility. You did a great job. You will fit the job perfectly."
"But I don't want it. Okay?!" Danny almost yelled the last sentence.
"Yeah, okay. No need to yell. If you don't want it, Cole will keep it."
"Sorry Steve, I…"
"No, it's fine. I've done that more than enough times to you – unnecessarily. It's okay if you do that too."
"No, it is not. One wrong doesn't justify another. It's just…when I took the spot when you had a day off or were injured, I knew it would be just temporary. It felt natural to take over, but if I…if I take the spot now…it is going to feel like…like you are gone for good."
Steve sighed. "That might be the case, but…"
"What do you mean?" Danny asked.
"That it is possible – at the moment I'd even say most likely – that I won't return. But I can't say for sure right now."
Danny had known that this was something that might happen, but actually hearing it made it real. He felt like he had gotten slapped in the face and sadness settled into him. He understood his friend, because he had reached this point a few times himself and if it hadn't been for the psychologist, he was visiting ever since Grace had been kidnapped, he had most likely already quit years ago.
"If…if you are out, I am too." he stated.
"Danny. Don't. Don't say that. Being a cop is your calling. You can't give that up."
"If you can do that, I can do that too!"
"Yes, you can. But if you do that, you have to do it for the right reason(s). Think it through first. Don't leave just because the team is changing."
"It's not the team, Steve. The team had changed almost constantly over the years, adding, removing or changing member. They were all great and I miss them all as well and I also really like Lincoln. He is a capable leader and totally fits into the team. But none of them is you. And as much as I love them all, the team – Five-0 – makes no sense to me without you."