Chapter 24

"How was your weekend, commander?"
"Okay."
"Just okay?"
"Yeah. I need some time to get used to it. But I think having Danny and Eddie there is going to help a lot."
"Glad to hear that.
But something is bothering you. Anything I can help you with?"
"Do…do you think I can go back to work some day?"
"That's a decision you have to make on your own, but I don't think you should think about that right now. It's way too early for that."
"I have to."
"Why?"
"Because Danny…Danny only wants to return to Five-0 if I do."
"And that is a problem for you?"
"You don't know him. Being a cop is everything he is. Don't get me wrong, he is much more that that, but the job is his life. Taking the job away from him is like taking a limb from him and I don't want to be the one who cut if off. Especially not after everything he's been through, he has done and is still doing for me. I…I just need to know."
"I can't tell you commander. As I said it is too early to decide and way too early to even think about that. You are just putting more stress on yourself. Do you remember what I've told you about the most important person in your life?"
"It's Danny we are talking about."
"I am aware of that. Did he ask you about your return?"
"No. The question came up during a discussion about the current leadership."
"He didn't put any pressure on you?"
"No!"
"Then why are you doing it?"
"Because he is my friend. And I don't want him to give something up that he loves just because I…of me."
"Because you…?" the psychologist tried to dig a little deeper.
"Because I…can't handle myself the way I should."
"I think you are doing exactly that. You are taking care of your issues now. You are talking about them, trying to find solutions. It is something you should have done years ago. Doing it now is exactly the way you handle yourself. And doing that is the only thing you should think about."
"It is easier said than done."
"I know."
"Have you ever thought about doing something else?"
"No, not really. I mean Five-0 already is something else. I had planned on staying in the military. My father's death and the need to solve his murder had changed that. I mean I took the job because it was the only way to investigate myself, but I liked what we were doing. Instead of trying to keep the world safe, I was "just" trying to make this island safer. Getting justice for all the people who had suffered or prevent crime crimes altogether seemed important to me too. We always had a great team – doesn't matter who was on it. We are a family. I can't imagine a world without them. Leaving them is going to be tough. But I don't think I can take anymore violence in my life. Putting people I love in danger, getting people killed because of me and also all the people I've killed…" He paused a moment before he continued.
"I got trained for that. I always knew it would be part of the job and actually you don't think much if it is your life or the other ones, but taking a life is still taking a life. And I don't think I can do that anymore. I don't want to do that anymore."
"And if you argue like that, don't you think that detective Williams will understand?
Maybe even think the same way? Sure, he hasn't got the military background you have, but I can imagine him being tired of it all as well."
"He was. We…opened a restaurant together. But then we decided to sell it again. He said he "would rather die from a bullet than from the stress of keeping that restaurant going". And I agreed. So, plan C didn't work out. I can't imagine doing anything else and I think Danny feels the same way. If you could see him at work, you would probably say the same. The passion he brings to each case, the ideas and detective skills he has and all the things he had taught our new or younger members. It is just incredible. He loves what he is doing. I am lucky and happy at the same time that he has my back – always. And I am proud that I had the opportunity to work with him."

Despite his doctor's advice to not think about his professional future, Steve couldn't shake the thought. Not because of himself, but because of Danny. He had meant what he had told both Danny and the psychologist. Being a cop was Danny's life. He didn't want him to give it up. But he also wasn't ready to ask Danny how he really felt about quitting.
Although the thought was a constant companion during his days, he managed to hide his worries from Danny. Therefore the first week in the new house went pretty well.
Both men got up early. Steve went onto a run with Eddie, then the two humans had breakfast. While Steve had his courses, Danny was at work. As promised, he called it a day on time to pick Steve up. They had a snack and Steve tried to take a nap – sometimes Danny did too. When Steve got up again, he played with Eddie – sometimes both men did. Sometimes Steve also went for a short swim, but usually both men just tried to relax – reading, blathering, cuddling Eddie or making plans for dinner and snacks or weekends. They prepared dinner together, ate, watched a game or a movie or sat outside with a – due to Steve's medication – non-alcoholic drink and then they went to bed. They were peaceful nights for both men. For Steve because of the medication for Danny because he knew his friend would sleep well.

After the second week Steve's general condition was finally improving – because of the good night's sleep he was getting and because he was eating properly – at least most of the time. There were still days he couldn't eat much, but he wasn't throwing up anymore and eating at least small portions was still better than eating nothing at all. His bloodwork was still showing insufficiencies, but the levels were going into the right direction. Steve's physician had said that it would need some time to get everything back to normal because of what the SEAL had done to his body during the last year, but especially the months prior to his admission. But he was satisfied with the record of achievement.
Steve still liked the courses, but he still didn't try to have more contact with his fellow attendees than necessary.
Dr. Andrews was satisfied with the progress too. Of course, it was still a long ways to go but his patient was working hard on himself – talking about his fears, issues and feelings – trying to find ways to cope or to realize that there hadn't been anything he could have done to prevent certain things.
What hasn't really improved were the naps.
Steve still had a lot of problems either with sleeping in or with staying asleep. The days he was having one-on-ones the incidents he and Dr. Andrews had talked about re-occurred in his dreams, the days he wasn't having those talks, he was thinking about Danny's "threat" to leave the team if he wouldn't come back.
Sometimes he tried to go back to sleep, other times he just stared at the ceiling until it was "time to get up" and there were times when he worked himself up and got so restless that he needed to get up again and walk to the beach, seeking the closeness of the ocean. On those afternoons he didn't talk much, didn't eat much and had trouble with keeping himself together.
Danny always noticed, not only because of the fatigue that was visible on Steve's face, but also because of his stiff movements.
He had an eye on his friend even more than usual on those days without showing it - leaving the SEAL some space - and didn't even argue with him when Steve just ate a few bites. Danny was happy that Steve was at least drinking enough when he was in this state.
Today was different though. Danny didn't know if it was the muggy weather that had made him sweat all morning, but when they had gotten home, he had needed a nap as well. He had taken a shower and when he was about to go to bed it started to rain.
'One reason more to take a nap,' he thought to himself and closed his eyes.
He startled awake about two hours later. He thought he had heard something. He listened, but all he could hear was the rain – it came down in sheets.
'Damn. Glad we've put the cushions inside before we went to bed.'
He closed his eyes again, having no interest in getting up to a weather like that. But then he heard it again – barking. He opened his eyes. 'Eddie,' he thought closing his eyes again. Eddie didn't stop barking and it got louder – closer.
'Damn. Eddie never barks except something is wrong.'
Danny got up and then he could hear the dog scratching on his door. Danny opened it. Eddie turned around and ran to the back door. Danny followed. Eddie sat in front of the door and barked again.
"What's up buddy?" Danny asked the dog.
He looked through the window but couldn't see anything.
Suddenly he knew what was wrong. He didn't know why he knew, but he did.