Chapter 29

The story Steve had told both Dr. Andrews and Danny had been a subject in the following six sessions.
It was hard for Steve to talk about it again and again, but his psychologist wanted him to talk about it to make it possible for Steve to get rid of the guilt.
Deep inside the SEAL knew he hadn't done anything wrong, but he felt guilty nonetheless. For getting out of it and even making a full recovery while others had died, for the way three of his comrades had died although he (and the rest of the team as well) could have made it easier for them, for the other two who had killed themselves, because he hadn't helped them and because he hadn't had the same courage and was still alive.
At the end of those six sessions Steve felt a bit better about the incident – guilt-wise – but he knew it would be one of the things he would neither overcome nor forget, no matter what kind of coping mechanism Dr. Andrews would teach him.

After the first three talks Steve hadn't been able to attend any of his following courses and neither the ones of the next day.
The last three sessions were still emotional draining, but the SEAL was at least fit enough to get up and go to the hospital the following day.
Danny had stayed close during all of Steve's naps and at night. He had stayed at home the days Steve was feeling too bad to do anything more than resting – observing him unobtrusively.
When Steve had left for the beach, Danny had sent Eddie after him to make sure someone had an eye on him.
Eddie was good for Steve and Danny was glad he had made the decision to bring him back. Though he would never admit it, but the dog was good for Danny too.
Firstly he was easing things for Danny because the dog could sense Steve's emotional state and after the first two weeks Danny could translate Eddie's body language into his friend's condition. Eddie was watching his master when Danny wasn't close enough to do so and the SEAL had been able to calm down or relax much faster since Eddie was around – except on those really bad days of course.
Secondly Danny loved the dog too – and not only because he was a cutie.
Eddie had an eye on Danny as well, was waking him from the few bad dreams he had ever since the "behead-story" and he was making the men's everyday life nicer. He was keeping them busy and brought fun and joy into their "world of sadness".
Danny wasn't exactly a friend of letting pets be in a bed where humans were sleeping, but he made an exception for Eddie to show him his appreciation and because he had noticed that Eddie – just like Danny himself – needed the closeness and/or contact to Steve during the night once in a while too.
They were a nice little family and Grace and/or Charlie were even adding some more normalcy to their lives.

Steve had ten easier sessions – with different and various subjects – with his psychologist behind him now. He had wanted to ask for some advice at the beginning of his next, but got surprised by Dr. Andrews's questions how he was feeling about the therapy.
"Do you think it is helping? Do you think you have made progress? Do you want to change anything? Tell me what you think."
"Why are you asking this? Do you want to quit? Do…do you think this is hopeless?" Steve was upset and his insecurity about his state was back.
"None of the above. But we are working together for a few months now and I ask my patients from time to time what they are thinking about the therapy. Maybe there is something missing or you want me to change things." Dr. Andrews explained.
"No, I think everything is good." Steve answered with relief. He had never thought he would say that, but despite all the bad memories that were coming back, it felt good to finally talk about everything. And he really trusted his therapist with this.
"Except you still don't trust me…" Dr. Andrews stated and threw him a curve once more.
"That…that is not true. I do trust you. Otherwise, I would have stopped the therapy right away. Like you said, if we don't trust each other therapy doesn't work. Why…why did you say that?"
"Because you just thought I would quit without talking to you first."
"It wasn't meant like that. I am…I am just not used to therapists asking me how I feel about their work." He chuckled. "And I think it is good for them that they had never done that."
"I understand. Then tell me what you think about all of this."
"I think…no I know I have made progress. Not as much as I had hoped for and there are still days, I feel like I haven't at all, but most of the time I feel better.
I mean, I still have trust issues – like you just noticed – but I think it will take a lot more time to rebuild that.
I am still worried that something might happen to Danny but the thought doesn't control my days anymore…the question is why though…do the meds suppress the feeling, is it because Danny is just doing office work or have I learned to accept the thought without freaking out when it occurs.
And I feel better in general. I am not that beat and tired anymore."
"Glad to hear that. You are right about the trust issues. The improvement of your anxiety is a combination of it all. But we'll keep working on that until it is just the last reason. That will still take a while though. I hope you can live with that."
"Yes, I can. I had always…reservations – to say it nicely – about medication, partly because I get a lot of side effects from most of them, but also because I thought I didn't need them and they were for…the weak people." Steve blushed with the sentence. "But now I have the feeling that they are actually helping me, so I don't want to reduce or stop them just yet."
"I am glad to hear that too.
I still have a few subjects I would like to go into further. Do we want to start with one of it or do you have something you want to talk about first?"
"Actually, yes. I'd like to go back to my own house. I mean, it is great where we are living right now, but it…it is not our house. Does that make any sense?" Steve asked feeling a little confused himself.
"Yes, it does. And where is the problem?"
"Am I ready for this?"
"That a question for me or are you just asking yourself?"
"…Both," Steve answered a little unsure.
"As I understood there had been some "incidents" that added to your mental problems – despite your father's murder?"
"Correct."
"How do you feel about going back there? I mean, you said "you would like to go back to your house," but does that mean you would like to go, detective Williams would like to go or do you think it is time to go back or do you feel like going back?"
"I haven't talked to Danny yet, because I wanted to know if you think I am strong enough to go back there first or if it is still too early and I would just get a relapse."
"Have you been to the house since you came here?"
"No."
"Have you been afraid to be in that house or to go back there after you came home from work or buying groceries or something?"
"No…" Steve wanted to add more, but stopped talking, didn't know how to explain it.
"But?" Dr. Andrews asked, sensing there was more to it.
"But…" Steve started again, "but there was something else. I mean, I wasn't afraid but sometimes it just felt…strange…there were times I just stood there and stared at a particular place and remembered what happened – saw the bloodstains or an attacker or me fighting with one of them. I…I had just stood there. In the majority of cases the ringing of my cell, a knock on the door or a barking Eddie had pulled me out of it. A few times one or two hours had passed."
"So, you just "watched", you didn't feel in danger, try to fight or to hide or to call someone for help."
"No, I didn't. It was like looking at a picture or watching a movie – or more like a gif, because the scenes were just short sequences, then they started again."
"Imagine to open the door of that house and go inside…how do you feel?"
"Normal. As I said there is no fear or anything. It just happens."
"How about you try it out? Talk to detective Williams, go there together, stay a few hours, have a look at those places you had flashbacks of, see how you feel now.
In the end it is your own decision, because I am very confident that you can asses very well if you are ready for this or not."