Chapter 30
That being said, Steve felt relieved and he planned on talking to Danny as soon as they were at their temporary home. It turned out to be much easier than he had thought.
"Glad you've finally asked." Danny said with relief in his voice.
"Why? If you can't afford this anymore, why didn't you ask me to help. I've told you I would pay for it. How much do you need?"
"I don't need anything. It's all covered. There aren't any problems. I just had the feeling you were ready to go back. This here had always been meant to be temporary. It is great, but it isn't your home."
"Our."
"Yes, our. And these last two weeks...I don't know how to explain it, but you were…different."
When Steve wanted to reply something, Danny added "in a positive way. And if you think now is the right time, then it is the time."
"What about you?"
"Me?"
"Yeah. I…I mean what do you think? You want to go too? It's not all about me. I want you to feel comfortable with that move as well."
"I am. I promise."
They planned to stay at the house the following weekend. If it would work out, they would stay another week at the rented and return for good to their house the weekend after.
It was a strange feeling for Steve standing in his own living room for the first time in months. Almost like returning from deployment. Nothing had changed in the whole house – why would it anyway – but it was still different than all the days he had returned from his work with Five-0. There had been times when he had loved to come home, when he couldn't wait to come home – when he had known Catherine would be there or would come home with him. But there had also been times when he didn't want to come home – when Catherine wasn't there or after he had gotten used to her not being there, but the house was empty. It had changed after Eddie had come into his life. He loved that dog – not as a substitute for Catherine – but for his personality.
It had been love at first sight. The moment he had found Eddie on that floor in the container, hurting and bleeding, he had known he wanted that dog by his side.
Then Junior had moved in, then Danny. It was great to know that someone was there – even if they didn't spend the time together.
Now Danny was with him again – just a few feet behind – but it still felt strange. It was the right word. Doesn't matter how much and long he was thinking about it.
Despite the strange feeling everything went well during the weekend.
At first, they had thought about asking Charlie to come over, but in the end decided against it. There shouldn't be any "distraction". Steve wanted to focus on the house and he also wanted to be sure once more to not scare Charlie in case something would happen.
Moving back to the house was a simple task as well. They had mostly just clothes to pack. They had loaded the car Thursday evening and returned Friday after therapy and work.
They spent the evening with pizza, ginger ale and a game.
The night went well, they had breakfast, played with Eddie, enjoyed the sun and their chairs and went for a nap.
When Danny got up, he found Steve in the living room – staring at the couch, or the table or outside. He couldn't quite determine, but the lack of reaction upon his arrival made his stomach churn. He walked a little closer, standing now in Steve's line of sight.
"Steve?" he asked in a low voice not wanting to startle his friend. "You good?"
Steve jerked slightly.
"Hey Danny. Sorry, I haven't heard you coming in.
I was just thinking about exchanging the couch for a day bed like we had at the other house. What do you think?"
Danny looked at his friend like he had just asked him to dance the funky chicken in his birthday suit.
Steve was confused. He had thought Danny had liked – no needed – the closeness they had.
"Sorry Danno. It…it was just a thought. If you…"
"No, it's fine," Danny interrupted. "I…I just thought you had a flashback or something. Didn't expect you to think about a simple furniture exchange."
"Sorry, I didn't want to scare you. I am good."
"And I think the idea is great."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Great, let's have a look at the choices."
They looked online and there were a lot of day beds both men liked, but they decided to go to a real shop to test some of them, to make sure they were comfortable for them both and had a soft cushion.
It didn't take them long to find something. It was a little bigger than the one at the other house and the old couch and it was expensive and Danny was reluctant to say yes to it.
"Danny, I know it is expensive, but I don't care. I had always been hesitant to what to spend my money on, but this Danny, this is something I want, because it is important to both of us."
They bought it and the sales clerk promised them a delivery for Wednesday afternoon.
Back home and after a short run with Eddie, Steve found Danny staring at the couch.
This time it was Steve's turn to ask "You good?"
"Yeah. I was just wondering…the couch…it's been a part of this house ever since I know it. It still looks good. You sure you want to give it away?"
"I am. Actually, I just kept it because it belonged here. I mean sure it was comfortable and all but it didn't mean the world to me. But now I want something that means something to me. And I've already called the Kelioha-Foundation. They are going to pick it up on Wednesday - about an hour before the new one is going to be delivered."
"Kelioha-Foundation?"
"You don't know them? They are helping people to get back on their feet – after a successful withdrawal or after losing their job and house without actual fault or homeless people who want to start over.
It's an old couch, but it is well-tended and leather never gets out of style."
The exchange went swimmingly. When the new couch stood in the living room, Danny looked a little skeptical around the room.
"What's up?" Steve asked. "You don't like it?"
"I do. Of course, I do. We picked it out together, remember? But I didn't think of the rest of the living room. It isn't exactly a match to say it nicely."
"I know it isn't. But I don't care. We liked this day bed, we wanted it, we need it and we bought it. We should exchange some other pieces too."
"Can I ask you something without you getting mad at me?" Danny asked with a serious expression.
Steve immediately felt queasy, but answered "O…okay."
"I know you have done some remodeling after the general Pak incident, but just because it had been necessary. Otherwise, this house is almost the same since…ever? Danny shrugged. "And I can understand if you want to change something. Question is, do you want to do it, because it is your house…"
"Our," Steve chipped in.
Danny rolled his eyes but smiled "Yeah, okay…because it is our house and want to give it your…our style or do…do you want to do it, because you are changing your life and want to do it with the house too or because of the memories, to get rid of the stuff that remind you of the bad things…like…like your father's murder?"
There was a flicker of sadness in Steve's eyes. The memory of that day was still something that want to make him cry.
"No…okay, maybe a bit. But the main reason is I want to be more at home now. Spend more time here – and I want some changes. Want the house to reflect us – our personalities." He paused for a moment, then suddenly not that confident anymore he added "if…if that is okay for you."
"Of course, it is. I just didn't want you to do it to erase memories, because that doesn't work and I didn't want you to do it because you feel the need to change it for me."
"I want to change it with you, Danny."
"That true?" Danny asked wanting the real reason and no excuses because Steve thinks he would worry Danny.
"Promise."
"Okay. Then I am in." He smiled and patted Steve on the back.
"Good," Steve smiled back then he got serious again. "And I want to change something else."
"Work," Danny just said.
"Yeah. I…I won't come back. I am sor…I am sure now."
"What you gonna do?"
"I don't know yet. You still not mad?"
"No, I've told you, I won't be mad. Like I've said I'd thought about that too. I've talked to some people at HPD. There might be some teaching options for us."
"For us? No, teaching is nothing for me. I mean, you did a great job as a professor back then, but me? My cover would have been blown the moment I had said "good morning"."
Danny chuckled. "Yeah. Most likely. There are not many professors using grenades during their lectures.
Don't you have at least a direction? Advisor for security, tactical instructor?"
"No, nothing like that. I have an idea…but I am not sure if I can do that…if I am strong enough for it. Not yet anyway, but hopefully in a year or so.
I have a big payment coming in next month from an insurance I had taken out years ago, so there is no problem with my living until then.
What I am sure about though is that I don't want to have anything to do with weapons anymore. Killing people, getting shot at…I am done. All those sessions with Dr. Andrews had made it finally clear for me that I had experienced enough violence – in intensity and quantity – for more than just one life.
What ever I have left now – and I hope there will be at least twenty years – I want to live in peace, enjoying everything this wonderful island has to offer."
"Sounds good to me. So, what's your idea?"
"Helping people like me – who are reluctant to take psychological help or even totally rejecting it.
I want to let them know that it is not weakness to take it, that it is even a sign of strength to recognize when help is needed and actually take it. That there is much more than what you get at your required sessions. That you can get real help. Maybe I can even aim for a change of course in military counseling. Not sure that is even possible, but I can at least try."
"That is a great idea. What makes you think that you aren't strong enough? I think you are perfect for that job."
"Because usually soldiers open up to other soldiers – including former ones – first before they even take a psychological treatment into consideration and I might hear stories I can't cope with - which might trigger something.
Right now, it would just pull me back into my depression. But I hope it is going to change some day."
"I love that idea. You'll be doing a great job."
"Maybe you can do the same for law enforcement."
"What?...I mean, yeah, there are a lot of people who need the help without even knowing it. But I don't know if a job like this even exists for law enforcement…maybe I can create one…I'll think about it."