I do NOT own anything, but the plot.

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Nalo a loaʻa

-loosely translate to "lost and found"-

CHAPTER FOUR

"Hey," Steve greeted, lingering the doorway. "I know it's not my place, but I wanted to see how the kids were... are they-" he paused, unsure if he had a right. "Are they okay?"

It had been two days since Steve came home and while tensions were still high, Steve was unable to stop himself finding out how Grace and Charlie were. He knew until he and Danny were okay, he had no right to see the kids, but he missed them as much as he had missed his team – maybe even more.

He noticed a change in his partner's persona, and he hated the storm clouds his presence created.

Any other day, Danny would've jumped at the chance to speak about his kids.

Any other day, Steve wouldn't need reason to ask nervously after them.

"Forget it," Steve quickly retracted the question. It didn't matter if he missed them as much as he had missed Danny, he saw the way his best friend's demeanour changed. "I was overstepping the mark. Sorry."

Releasing his hold on the glass panel of Danny's office door, Steve prepared to leave, tail tucked firmly between his legs, and go back to his paperwork.

"They miss you every damn day." Danny's words sliced the tension but did little to dissipate it. "Grace understands better and stopped asking, but Charlie thinks you're on a mission that's going to end sometime soon."

With his head tipping forward, Steve had never known emotional pain like this. The last two days were continually gutting him, and he knew he had to endure it.

"Do they know?"

"That you're home?" Danny asked, setting his pen down. "No, no they don't. And until such time as I've wrapped my head around it, they won't."

"That's fair," Steve replied softly.

Danny rubbed his hand over his face, roughly pulling on the tired skin as he tried to make sense of everything. Sitting back, he let his hands drop to either side of the chair and looked across at Steve. Steve might have been home for all of two days, but Danny couldn't handle the sight of Steve in the office after five long, hard months.

"How do I tell my kids that the man they love more than actual family lied to them for over five months? Do you know what that sort of deceit will do to them, Steve?" His question was serious, and he put a hand up to stop Steve speaking. "And don't answer that because my comment still remains about Doris. She did a real number on you, and I won't let you inflict that on Grace or Charlie."

Steve didn't object.

Why would he?

Doris' death had ruined Steve for life, her homecoming brought the biggest storm cloud with her, and he paid the price time and time again amongst all the lies and deceit. He had just hoped he would never be compared to his mother. He now realised there was no other justification for what he had done.

"I need them to be a hundred percent ready to see you. You dying ... it didn't just change the dynamics of the team. It ripped all of us apart and you being here, alive and well like you are, it's just going to rip apart what progress we made." Danny sighed, shaking his head. "But all that said … the kids are good, they're healthy and dealing with their grief."

It was all a lie, one of his children was constantly angry, the other was being deceived. Neither were okay when both were dealing with the situation in two very adverse ways, but Danny didn't want to tell Steve any of that. Not because he didn't want to hurt him, but because he didn't think Steve earned a right to fix things yet.

"Thanks, Danny," Steve murmured softly. "Thanks for telling me."

Leaving, Steve felt the same spasm race against his chest, the same flash of panic that had consumed him for months. Usually, a man able to deal with whatever life threw at him, found life in almost solitary confinement had broken a part of him. Seeing the fallout of what had happened seemed to slot into the cracks of his being and apply pressure.

Instead of going back to his office, Steve took a right and left HQ entirely. He walked back through the building, ignoring all of the eyes that continually watched him, and he sought fresh air. He'd been doing this a lot, removing himself from the office so they all got a break.

Slouching against the brickwork, hands braced against his thighs, he pulled on years of training to bring about his composure.

Inhale on three.

Hold for three.

Exhale for three.

Repeat.

The idea of raining down pain on his team was one thing, but dragging Grace and Charlie into the mess, that was unforgiveable. For a long time, he had been so self-absorbed in his recovery and trying to help where he could that he never thought about the team until the silence hit in the dead of the night.

"Steve?" Duke called out, catching Steve by surprise. "What are you doing out here?"

"Hey Duke," Steve said, forcing a smile. "Just needed a little fresh air." He approached the older man, feeling the calm that came off him. "How have you been?"

"Shocked to see you, but pleased the rumours weren't a lie."

"Yeah, the rumours of my death were greatly exaggerated." It was half a joke, but Steve couldn't push his laughter. "Sure, that's pissed a lot of people off."

Duke laughed, clearly not knowing just how badly the team were taking Steve's reappearance from the dead.

"Look, I better head back in, we're in the middle of a case."

"Oh yeah, of course, remember anything you need, you know where I am."

"Mahalo, Duke," Steve replied, shaking the older man's hand and patting him on the back. "You know our paths will cross."

Steve's joke was half-hearted, but he also knew how much Five-0 relied on HPD and vice versa. He was sure his existence was going to shock a lot of people while he got himself reacquainted, he just hoped it wouldn't ruin getting a job done along the way.

Walking back into the office, Steve didn't feel any lighter, but he did feel like he had more of a handle on the matter at hand. He understood Danny's stance where Grace and Charlie were concerned, he even respected it, but that didn't mean it hurt any less.

"Ah, good, you're back..." Chin started, interjecting Steve's inner thoughts. "We caught a lead so we're just heading out."

"Right," Steve said, trying to find his bearings. "Send me the address, I'll meet you there."

Like the day he came home, he didn't expect anyone to ride with him, he was willing to trap himself in his truck and work through what his head was dealing with.

"No, you can go with Lou and Kono ... we'll meet you there," Danny instructed, still unable to relinquish his role as command.

Steve saw the way Kono squared her shoulders, her entire body tensing. He gulped at the fact that Danny didn't want him with him, but he worried at the very real reaction Kono had to him. He knew, as the youngest, she was taking this harder. He had brought them all onto this team, but he had taken the rookie under his wing and taught her things HPD never would and then he was gone.

He refused to push himself onto any of them until they were ready.

"I'll drive myself, honest, it's no problem."

There was a tense moment, but Steve took action and started heading to his office to get his keys. Luckily, they hadn't needed to leave the office much, the case driving them all crazy, but now they had something to go on, Steve wondered who his backup would be.

"Get in the back of the Camaro and shut up," Danny instructed, clearly noticing the situation developing.

"Danny…"

"Back of the Camaro or you sit this out," Danny bartered back. "Until you're fully clued up, I'm still interim leader."

"Okay," Steve confirmed, almost without a second's hesitation. "Back of the Camaro it is."

Steve remained true to Danny's request. He sat squashed into the back of Danny's car and kept his eyes firmly glued to the window. As they wound down the streets of O'ahu, Steve kept thinking about the calls with Cath and his sister and how everything was slipping away from him. His sanity was slowing disappearing from him, and he had no one he could rely on to catch him. Even as they got to the location and rounded the car to begin their plan for the approach of the house, he couldn't stop his thoughts from racing.

"Hey Steven! You going to pull your head out of your ass and talk to us?"

Snapping back to the moment at Danny's rough tone, Steve looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Well, Commander, how are we handling this?" Danny asked, his sarcasm slicing him.

Yet Steve didn't react how he used to.

"For God's sake," Danny moaned, taking charge. "Lou and Kono, take the back door ... we know he likes to run so we need to cover all exit strategies."

"Wait, Edward Bennett might be a runner, but he's also stupidly left a very thick paper trail for us to follow," Steve added, forcing himself to feel useful. "Keep your eyes peeled, if he's here, I have a feeling he might keep us on our toes."

"So… Lou and Kono back entrance… you, me and Chin front?"

"Yeah, it's a brilliant plan," Steve agreed, childishly hoping it would win him some points with Danny. "We need to watch the windows, too."

Steve had noticed a couple of open windows that would enable a man of Edward Bennett's stature to get through with ease. He also had read the reports about Edward Bennett being a bit of a pro at escaping the officials.

Every agreed and went about splitting up. As the three men, moved up the porch, taking the stairs carefully, Steve pointed his gun at the front door, Danny readied to kick it in, and he gave a nod. Like a well-oiled machine, they worked in tandem.

"Edward Bennett! FIVE-0!" Steve yelled as Danny kicked the door in.

Upon entry, they split up, scoping the small house, each taking a room. In his peripheral, Steve could see Lou and Kono at the back of the house but heard no noises inside that didn't belong to Danny or Chin.

"Nothing here, Danny," Kono stated over the earpieces. "No one's here."

"We've got a runner!" Steve suddenly yelled spotting movement through a window.

Steve saw what was happening and was barely able to intervene. He made it to the open back door, just as Kono took a round to her chest, and he fired a shot at the one of the perp's associate's shoulders, taking another at his leg to make sure he stayed down.

"Kono!"

He dropped to his knees, letting Lou restrain their wounded runner.

"Kono, are you okay?" he asked, as she lay with her face screwed up.

"Bullet to the vest!" Kono gasped as she started to calm. She was suddenly away of Steve's hands on her, his face scrunched with worry. "Get off me. I'm fine."

"Shut up and catch your breath a minute," Steve commanded, not moving but releasing his hold on her. Grabbing his radio, he knew he had to take charge now. "Hey Danny, Kono's taken a bullet to the vest, I want EMTs to check her out."

"No, I'm fine!"

"EMTs are checking you out," Steve replied, a firmer hold back on her shoulder. "Just for peace of mind. Please, Kono."

He could hear her ragged breathing and while he knew that would correct itself, his concern kept Kono within a few inches of him without her running and damnit did he just want to feel needed.

"Please..."

"Okay," she sighed in defeat. "Whatever."

His shoulders sagged in relief, and he bowed his head gratefully to her listening.

"You just need to find your bearings," he said, as if she didn't know.

"I know," she remarked, letting all tension in body go as she heard her cousin calling her name.

Steve was pushed out of the way when Chin came round with Danny. They fussed, Chin reaching to free Kono of her vest, Danny asking if she was okay. Backing away, he started to leave them alone, thankful when the EMTs promptly arrived.

Walking back around the house, approaching Danny's car only to lean against it, completely deflated, Steve tried his hardest not to look back at where he had left them.

"You doing okay, McGarrett?"

Glancing up, Steve took in Lou's giant form silhouetted by the blazing sun. With one hand gripping the leg of his cargo pants, the other keeping him braced against the car, he tried to pull himself together.

"Yeah," he grunted in reply. "Yeah, thought I'd leave them to it."

Lou looked back as Danny spoke, forcing Kono to laugh and he knew what that sight must have done to Steve. While he had been a part of the team, Lou was always much closer to Steve than the others, granted their rocky start.

"They all got closer after what happened."

"I can see that," Steve mentioned, nodding towards them. "I'm glad. I am... it's just..."

"You feel like you don't fit?"

"Yeah… I'm just happy knowing they have one another." The truth left a sour taste in Steve's mouth, but it let it linger. "Guess what happened made it easier for you, right?"

Lou chuckled. "Made it easier? Hell nah, man, you going made it so much harder. Big shoes to fill."

Observing silently, Lou took in Steve's general exterior. Given when he came home, he didn't look the picture of health, Lou was horrified to realise that in the last couple of days, McGarrett was looking worse for wear.

"Wanna tell me why you ain't sleeping?" he asked, standing directly beside Steve. "You can try and deny it, but I ain't no fool, so spill."

After a moment of deliberate silence, Steve knew he couldn't continue to suffer in silence.

"The last few months have been rough."

Lou guffawed. "Understatement of the century. You thought about those groups we discussed."

"I've been seeing someone," Steve admitted, albeit feebly. "It's just not helping much, right now."

Not when I can't deal with the root problem, Steve wryly thought to himself.

"I'll be okay," Steve told him, shaking off his sullen mood.

Pushing himself up off the car, Steve pushed back his prior weakness to approach the rest of the team.

"Everyone okay?"

Kono nodded briefly before speaking. "Yeah, apart from a bruise the size of Texas, I'll be fine."

"Good. That's good," Steve said, relieved.

Deep down he knew Kono had sustained no lasting damage from the bullet, the vest doing its job, but he had no idea how else to show them he cared.

"We've decided to head back," Chin stated, notifying both Lou and Steve of the plans made while they were separate. "Look up on possible new locations Bennett could be."

"We've got one of his men thanks to the chunk you shot out of his calf, so we're hoping he'll give us a good lead," Danny mentioned, pointing to the man causing a scene by the ambulances. "Nice job not shooting to kill this one."

Steve gave a curt nod of his head before he went round to the passenger side of the car. Resuming his spot behind Chin, Steve took one look at the middle mirror, his eyes meeting Danny's before he looked away, unable to hold his be best friend's gaze. Sitting up, Steve twisted his body to go back to staring out of the window. If he had to be honest, his lack of sleep was wearing him thin. Lou may have guessed he wasn't sleeping but between nightmares and flashbacks, there wasn't a lot he could do.

Following the team back inside to the office, Steve slowed, knowing that he had to sort some things out.

"When you get something, just give me the heads up. There's some paperwork I need to sort out."

It was a lie, but it was a get out clause and no one argued with him. He had faith in them to let him know when they needed him, but after what he had witnessed, he was sure they would leave him undisturbed.

Grabbing a pad and pen the moment he sat behind his desk, he drew a table and started to list the pros and cons of his current situation. Sardonically each side had their own name - Five-0 versus Five-Go. He hated himself for what went identically on both sides - THE TEAM. His number one priority would always be them and there was great reason for him to stay and for him to leave them. Steve loathed the situation he was in, but he knew this was equally as hard for the team.

Not making it further, Steve realised this was what everything boiled down to. The team would always be his main reason to stay or go and he couldn't bring himself to leave, but he couldn't allow himself to be a bone of contention in their lives.

Rubbing a closed fist against his chest, Steve tried to push away the tightness suddenly encasing his ribcage, but it was all in vain because he knew this feeling and he knew there was no simple fix.

Sitting back, he felt a twinge in his leg, a phantom reminder of what he had happened and what he had to live with. Rising from his chair to pace, the leather and wood creaking in relief, the paperwork going forgotten, everything that had happened started to assault him.

Steve remembered the fallout of the warehouse bomb, the facts he was purposefully omitting to tell the team. He hadn't plotted rescue missions while gone, he had endured lonely hours of rehab for his hip and leg, the part where he had to be his own support. The idea of getting home was one thing that helped him remain focused. Pacing, he caught sight of the team talking, not even trying to track them to see if he could work out what they're discussing as walked to loosen the muscles in his leg. Being trapped in the back of Danny's car may have been his gracious idea, but the aftereffects were crucifying him.

Once upon a time, Danny would have questioned his generous nature of letting him drive his own car. In another life, Danny would have made a snarky comment about him being squished into the back of the Camaro like a pretzel to accommodate his freakishly long legs.

The thought of how life had changed did nothing to help Steve.

Sighing sadly, he decided to do actual work in the hope it would help distract him.

"Where is everyone?" Steve asked almost an hour later as he finally left his office.

"They've gone to get food from the Deli down the street. Told them to bring stuff back for you and that I'd keep an eye on you."

Steve watched the door longingly as if he'd catch sight of them.

"Danny didn't seem best pleased … mentioned a thousand lunches you still owe him for," Lou quipped, hoping it would be lighten the mood. "But I threw twenty bucks at him and told him to get whatever you love the most."

"Thanks," Steve managed, but he couldn't contain his frustrations anymore. "Fucking hate all of this," he ground out, kicking the chair with such force or rolled backwards into one of the pillars.

"You know ... you've always got a friend in me, McGarrett," Lou said retrieving the chair, only to sit on it a few feet from Steve. "I saw the team in the aftermath of what happened. It wasn't pretty. They didn't function for days, weeks ... hell, they ain't functioning now."

Steve snorted knowing he was the cause of that.

"Right now, each of them are riding on emotions and you gotta grant 'erm it because grief is a crazy thing."

Steve knew grief. Hell, Steve lived with grief every single day of his life. It lived upon his shoulders like a weight to bear, but this grief was something much more malignant than he had ever dealt with.

"I just want to erase the last five months or go back and act differently ... Fight harder, break the rules, disregard orders ... anything but this."

"Pretty sure a man of your rank would never ignore an order," Lou stated sarcastically. He knew the man enough that rules were made to be broken but direct orders were another thing all together. Lou was aware that Steve knew boundaries even if Danny questioned that. "You must have known it was bad for you to not go against them."

"You all had a target on your back because of me," he whispered, remembering seeing the evidence. "Sitting down and shutting up was the only option. That warehouse exploding gave the Governor and the officials perfect ammo to ground me."

"Want to tell me what happened?" Lou asked, his voice softening once more. "We saw the damage after Danny got you out… it was extensive…"

Wincing, Steve brought a hand up to rub the back of his neck.

"No offence, Lou..."

Noticing the uncomfortableness Steve was suddenly exerting, Lou knew that as much as his boss would share with him, there was a limit to it.

"I'm not Danny, right?"

Steve felt ashamed as he nodded. Danny hadn't given him the time of day since that morning in Denning's office, but he couldn't find anyone he'd rather confide in than the blonde detective.

"Guess it doesn't really matter," Steve shrugged.

"If it matters to you, it matters to me."

"It doesn't. I realised earlier that this isn't getting any easier. I told the governor allowing me straight back onto the team, leading it like he wants me to, would be more damaging. I knew it." He sighed dejectedly. "When Kono took that bullet earlier, I thought my heart stopped, but I realised it didn't matter because I'm not a part of what this is anymore."

"C'mon Steve…"

"Look, do you mind if I head off?" Steve abruptly said, changing the topic.

"Steve…"

"I'm just ready to get out of here today. I just can't deal with this anymore. Danny's still my stand-in so it's not like I'm leaving you in the lurch."

"If that's what you need to do, then I can't stop you," Lou conceded, realising that Steve was removing himself from the game for the team's benefit.

"Thanks, Man." Steve stood straighter. "And if Danny doesn't want it, you can have my lunch."

"What about you? You ain't eaten all day," Lou stated, cocking a brow.

"I'm not hungry ... I need to go and clear my head."

"McGarrett," Lou started, his tone a warning.

"If it'll help you rest easier, Man, I'm just going to go home ... maybe grab a beer and park myself on one of those chairs or..."

"Maybe swim for six hours," Lou quipped, crossing his arms over his chest.

Steve laughed but neither confirmed nor denied that coping mechanism.

"Tell the team that I have a name on my desk, Bennett has to be with him, it could be a dead end, but if it's right let them know you can all clock off earlier. I'm sure Danny and you would love to do the school run."

Lou watched his friend, and although Steve smiled, it wasn't his usual high voltage grin. It wasn't even close. Steve McGarrett was a man of honour and command, trained and skilled to neutralise any threat, but putting on disguises to those who knew him was not his strongest point.

Lou could only watch as Steve left HQ and deflated when he disappeared from view.

"Where the hell is he now?" Danny asked, looking directly into Steve's office as they walked back in.

"We got his favourite," Kono said, raising the bag. "After earlier, I thought it would make a little peace offering considering I was a little rude to him after I took that bullet."

"A little, Cuz?" Chin joked.

"Hadn't noticed," Lou mused a little too sarcastically. "Neither did he."

Kono's face paled, her hand going slack on the bag she was carrying.

"Did he say anything?"

"Some things," Lou admitted, knowing it wasn't his place to out Steve's feelings without him being around. "Look he knows the dynamics of you lot has changed, and he feels very much the outcast to it all."

"I saw him after me and Danny ran in after Kono went down … heard him over the radio too, he was really worried about you, Kono."

"I know, and I was a bitch to him," Kono admitted sadly. "But I made sure we got his favourite sub when Danny wanted to go elsewhere for lunch. I wanted him to see that while I'm still mad, I'm willing."

Lou sighed. "He probably would've liked that."

"Why?" Danny asked, passing Lou his lunch. "Has he said anything else?"

Lou shrugged. "A thing or two and not a lot, really."

"He spoke to you?"

Lou observed Danny's every move and took no notice of the disdain he had thrown at him. While the New Jersey detective ran his mouth and lashed out with a sharp tongue, Danny also wore his pain like he did his heart - on his sleeve for all to see.

He and Steve couldn't have been more different, and they shouldn't work as a partnership, but they did. It was that thought that made this harder for Lou to stay quiet. Steve saw Danny as a brother, and for what it was worth, Steve had lost so much more than time and relationships.

"Eh, he said if the lead he sussed works out, we can do the school run."

"Oh, how noble of him," Danny said taking a bite of his sandwich, turning off his interest almost as soon as it had sparked. "Guess we should thank him."

"It's on his desk, apparently," Lou commented, nodded towards McGarrett's now darkened office, blatantly ignoring the Jersey detective's sarcasm. "So, count yourself damn lucky he's given us something before he took off."

"Why did he take off?" Kono asked, leaning against the computer desk.

Danny asked, ignoring Lou. "Seems to be doing that an awful lot lately."

"He said he just needed to go home," Lou spoke, offering them only half a lie.

Fifteen minutes later, Duke called to tell them Steve had apprehended the man in question and with a full confession, it was almost case closed for the team.

"Of course, the Neanderthal had to go play hero ... again. Looks like he never learns his lesson, does he?"

Their phones buzzed simultaneously, cutting Danny's rant shorter than he intended.

"Guess you should thank him for cutting us loose early," Lou mused reading the message. "Might have lost a lot but not his ability to do his job," Lou continued and took it as his moment to leave. "I'm going to finish my lunch in my office, get my paperwork started and then go pick my kids up."

"Go home. You did a good job today. Duke took over and has our man in lockup. Case closed," Danny read the text under his breath.

"Think you should follow Lou's lead, Danny," Chin commented, slipping his phone back into his pocket. "Seems McGarrett's made our life easier for the first time in a while."

Danny didn't reply, just let the pit in his stomach grow.