I do NOT own anything, but the plot.
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As always, thank you!
Nalo a loaʻa
-loosely translate to "lost and found"-
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
"This isn't fair."
It felt like everything was coming back, but the tsunami of emotions it brought with it was too much for Steve to deal with. The magnitude of the moment was impounding his rationale, reminding him of everything the team had been through the past few months because of him.
"Brah," Chin started, leaning forward. "We made a mistake."
"Yeah, by forgiving me," Steve replied, his face screwing up. "You had every right to react how you did … especially after everything I put you through since forming Five-0."
Danny wanted to say so much, he always had something to say, but there was something in watching his best friend torture himself that didn't make way for comical quips and heavy rants.
"You came for me ... so many times … and my repayment is this." Steve's eyes glistened, but no one could tell if from rage or upset or both. "How is that fair?"
Kono went to speak, but Danny lightly put his hand out to stop her. Steve needed to talk and while he was starting, he wasn't going to stop the SEAL until he'd heard enough.
"You're always here to pick up the pieces and I'm always here to ruin the progress."
That was Danny's time to step in.
"Hey, whoa! That's not true," Danny started, frowning at Steve's warped idea of their commitment to him. "Nor is it fair."
Watering eyes met Danny's across the room.
"You said it yourself, Danny, you have kids and you still followed me wherever when you shouldn't have." Getting up, Steve started to pace. "You followed the wrong person."
Lou sat silently, having not done the extra missions the others had done. He knew without a doubt, he would've followed with the team to any corner of the world to bring Steve home. It seemed a shame they had almost lost out on bringing him home this time.
In a rage, swung around to hit the wall, not yet releasing the bottle of water. As pain radiated up his arm, his knuckles burning, the team sat silently, watching as Steve ended with hands gripping hair, his arms shielding his face, hiding the emotions they all knew were there.
"We get you're angry," Chin started and hated the way Steve scoffed at that notion.
"You don't know what it is I'm feeling," Steve muttered as his arms dropped.
Even he didn't know what he was feeling. Every emotion possible was mixing in him, like a gauntlet of fire waiting to burst. Normally so well restrained with his emotions, Steve felt like he was spiralling out of control. He had no idea what to do with the irrationality of his thoughts or the way they placed his chest in a vice.
Turning his back to the team, Steve tried to temper everything down.
"I wanted to talk to you, to debrief you on everything, but I couldn't because you wouldn't let me."
"So, you chose the higher road," Danny surmised Steve's thought, forcing his best friend to look at him. "To suffer in silence."
"I saw what my being back was doing to you all. It was easier than trying to throw excuses at you when you weren't dealing very well."
"But they're not excuses are they, Boss?" Kono asked, her tone caught between upset and mild humour. "You would've told us the truth. All of it."
"She's got a point," Lou began, his voice almost exasperated. "I don't think you'd have readily accepted the truth."
"Oh, don't act like you're above us," Danny accused. "I didn't see you roll out the welcome mat for him."
"Lou took a step back because I made him," Steve defended, refusing to let them turn on one another. "Lou wanted me to talk, and I shut him down. I didn't want to cause a rift."
"Actually, you told me you wanted to talk to Danny before anyone else," Lou outed Steve and shrugged. "You have issues sharing feelings and basic truths, so if I can cut corners, I'm gonna to do it."
Lou knew from previous mistakes that bottling anything was notoriously a bad idea. He did it when he arrived in Hawaii, carrying his burdens from Chicago with him, which is what made him clash with Steve when they first met. He'd have done anything to see McGarrett stripped of his badge, but when he realised he and Steve were more alike than he cared to see, everything shifted.
"You know what they say about snitches," Steve groused, a wry smile on his lips.
"I'll take my chances but looking at you I could take you with my pinkie finger right about now."
The team laughed and even Steve committed a little chuckle.
"What were they feeding you in that safe house?" Lou asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Whatever I wanted," Steve admitted and shrugged. "Just most days I was too tired to eat."
"And what's your excuse now you're home, Babe?" Danny probed, scrutinising his partner.
Steve remained silent but immediately started to chew the inside of his cheek.
"Most days I'm too tired to eat..." Steve almost parroted himself.
In truth, Steve was so emotionally and physically drained he had little time to care about himself. When he was in the office, he was trying to make sure the eggshells he was walking on didn't crack, and when he came home, he crashed on the sofa or in bed to avoid the silence around him.
Part of him felt this was too easy and Steve couldn't help lay his demons to rest in the presence of the team. Clearing his throat, Steve prepared to
"I will do everything to show you I'm not going anywhere, but if you'd rather keep the team as is, I'll bow out."
"Is that what you really think, Brah?" chin asked, trying to hide the pain in his voice. "That we'd expect you to just bow out?"
Steve shrugged, feeling an unfamiliar heat rush into his cheeks.
"Not only did I bail on you all, but because of my past, I put you at risk. I can't promise it won't happen again." Steve felt a part of his shut down over his past. "I made more enemies than I ever knew."
"We've all made enemies," Chin stated, his honesty hard to miss. "In the six years we've known one another, we've all dealt with our own enemies, and we fought them together ... the Yakuza, Gabriel, Reyes, just to name a few. You stuck by us for those and more... just because Wo Fat is dead doesn't mean we would walk away now."
"But you did," Steve whispered. "And I understand it because I'd be fucking mad, too."
Hands came up to his head, hands gripping his hand and yet he still hadn't let go of the water bottle.
"And we regret it," Kono admitted, struggling to keep her tears at bay. "We all regret the way we've behaved, Steve."
"We just needed time," Lou added warmly.
But Steve wasn't digesting their remorseful tones, or their guilt-riddled words.
"If I hand Five-0 over, you can continue as you are. That way I know Five-0 will be functional and you can appoint a new team member and Danny can lead you."
In Steve's still hungover head, he was making plans and they only included his resignation going to the governor immediately.
"Jesus, stop torturing yourself, you big goof, and look at us." Danny's tone was harsh and ferocious against Steve's quiet and resigned one. "Your eyes are all over the place but looking at the four people most important in this chat."
"I'm just trying to make it easier," Steve confessed.
"Boss, we can't do the job without you," Kono stated, her voice almost wavering. "And we tried."
"Quite successfully," Danny quipped, but gave Steve a wink as their gazes met.
"Danny," Kono said, leaning over so she could hit Danny on the arm.
"Look, I call a workday successful when I don't get shot at. With this Neanderthal back, I'm going to have to look at the same hospital loyalty card he has."
Steve wanted to let Danny's humour hit him, enjoy the way the blonde's rants were like a balm to his soul.
Franklin Wright had changed Steve's entire perception of life. Once before he knew he could save the day, take a bullet, and allow his training and adrenaline to see a mission end, but now he didn't know who he was. Seeing a threat fall on the team was one thing, but seeing it mark Grace and Charlie was like being handed a death sentence.
"You're quiet," Danny mentioned having watched the distant look grow in Steve's eyes. "Which is saying something because you never were a talker."
"No, that was always your job," Steve quipped, finding the brief humour a good tonic. "To be honest, I couldn't find the words."
"We should have known something was wrong when we were trying to track Bennett," Chin observed, his tone even as he thought back over the last few months. "You weren't even in this side of the hemisphere. Usually, you're alert and stay that way until we're back at HQ."
"We know Super SEAL is fine even when he's bleeding out everywhere," Danny quipped, not looking away from Steve.
"Yeah, but I'm pretty sure practice makes perfect in his line of work," Lou added, making the others laugh.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Steve replied rather sheepishly, brushing his hand over the back of his neck.
"Yeah, right," Lou guffawed. "I read enough of your file to know better. But let's face it, so much is redacted and listed as classified, I count myself lucky to even know your name."
"Only special people know what the J stands for," Danny quipped, shrugging when Grover shot him a glare. "Just saying, Big Guy."
"Don't insult me, Jersey."
Danny sat and grinned at his co-worker.
"Do you mind if I just go and get some fresh air?"
"Go," Kono said, giving him a small smile. "But you're eating when the pizzas arrive."
"Okay," he said, not admitting that for the first time he was actually hungry. "Thanks."
Everyone encouraged him to take all the time he needed. Steve plucked a beer from the case and turned in the direction of the lanai. He walked across his back yard, heading towards the beach. In his restlessness, he had found himself going from his house to the beach and back again, neither offering him the solitude he desperately wanted. Unscrewing the beer, he savoured the taste, uncaring that he was still suffering for last night's alcohol intake and sunk into one of the Adirondack chairs.
For the first time since this nightmare had begun he felt like he could breathe – truly breathe.
"Hey."
Danny's voice broke out across the crashing of waves, bringing Steve back to the moment.
"Hey Danny," Steve replied, biting down the want to use the token nickname on his best friend. "Everything okay?"
"Is everything okay?" Danny replied, a hand on the second chair, other hand in his pocket. "If you can give me a clear definition of the word, I'll let you know … for the most part I want to say yes, but a larger part of me wants to say no."
"I get that …" Steve acknowledged, taking a drag of his beer. "Anything I can help with?"
Danny watched his best friend, the man was so unlike his former self, but in the same essence he was still Steve, his best friend.
"Erm," he started, finding himself nervous. "Steve, listen," he stumbled over his words and then sat in the chair next to Steve. "Look, Man, I'm sorry for what I said about burying your best friend. I know you had to go through that with Freddie." He let the words rush out and quickly added: "And for what it's worth, you're nothing like Doris."
"Aren't I?" Steve asked, unsure if he believed Danny.
"You didn't leave it twenty odd years to resurrect." Danny was quick witted, and tried to infuse some sort of light-heartedness into the moment. "I saw what Doris put you through, I know full well you know the consequences."
"Nothing could've prepared me for the consequences of this," Steve mused. "Burying my parents and Freddie should've given me enough experience of how you lot would feel, especially you, Danny."
"Babe, I was wrong, okay?" Danny retorted, putting his hands up. "I admit it that I can be wrong and this time I really was."
"But you were right about one thing…" he trailed off, only to look at Danny. "You did put me before the kids when you never should've."
"Whoa, no," Danny started to argue.
"You're their father, Danny," Steve disputed, cutting Danny off. "Outside of all of this, I'm no one in comparison."
Danny was horrified at how little Steve thought his place was in his life. After the years, all of the missions, the cases, the carguments, and Steve thought he wasn't basically family. After Wo Fat and Reyes, after Doris coming back and Matty dying, Danny thought their bond was solidified. Shaking his head, Danny hated himself.
"Does the phrase Uncle Steve mean nothing to you?"
"It did, but I know Grace doesn't see me as that anymore and I get it."
"She will come around … Grace is emotional, but she's also rational. That girl is smarter than all of us put together, but she didn't handle you dying very well, Steve. The bond you two share is something even I envy. She had that and then one day didn't."
"It'd just be easier if he had never come home," Steve said those words while evoking no emotions. "I heard her say that to you outside The Palace and I knew that was it. There was no coming back."
"You heard that?" Danny asked, completely heartbroken over the fact. He felt himself shatter as Steve dipped his gaze to his lap and nodded. "She's sad, Steve. You have to allow her that. She's sad she lost you and now she's confused because all the times she cried for you, you never came back and now you're here."
Steve thought about Grace this morning and he couldn't stop the pang of dread in his gut at the idea of causing that much misery on anyone just by sitting in the same room as them.
"I don't know how to make it better, Danny," Steve admitted, and he felt his cheeks flush a little from the shame of it. "Usually, I have a plan of action for everything, but I can't work out how to fix this."
"You give it time and total honesty … we all need to heal. You, me, the team, the kids … I promise you it will get better."
Steve was doubtful, especially after the way Catherine and Mary handled the situation. He had tried to make amends, and since the pair of them shut him down and invariably cut him off, he hadn't tried to make any contact.
Giving into the advice Danny offered, Steve settled a little.
"Okay," he murmured, but only because Danny was one of the only people he truly trusted. "Okay."
"Boys, if you're done with the girl talk, pizzas are here!" Lou called out to them. "Extra pineapple on Jersey's."
"I'll shove that pineapple where the sun doesn't shine, Louis!" Danny batted back, making Steve laugh. "C'mon, let's get you a good meal."
Steve nodded and started to stand, Danny following suit.
"Missed you, babe," Danny said, giving Steve a hug.
"Missed you, too," Steve muttered back. "Now, let's get some food because I am really hungry."
"That's what happens when you leave my pancakes," Danny rebuked, slapping Steve's bicep before pushing him towards the grass incline of the yard. "And Charlie's for that matter."
Steve laughed, but didn't reply.
"Hey Babe," Danny said, following Steve only to pull him back, stopping him making it up to the house. "Did anything else happen?"
"What do you mean?"
"What do I mean?" He parroted. "What I mean is you're looking super haunted and like you haven't slept in about five months and that thousand-yard stare you get has definitely doubled."
"I sleep," Steve argued.
Danny gave Steve a pointed look.
"I slept hard when the PT wore me out, but other than that I struggled to sleep." Looking out at the waves, Steve sighed. "It was too quiet."
"And now?"
"It still gets really quiet," Steve remarked, but refused to add anything else.
"How bad have the flashbacks been?"
"What is this? Question and answers before lunch?" Steve asked, almost alarmed.
"Yes… now answer me. How bad?" Danny prompted, crossing his arms over his chest. "Don't go quiet. I want to know."
Steve stood up taller, sucking in a lungful of air as he gazed over Danny and out to sea.
"Steven…"
"Bad," Steve admitted, his gaze not moving from the crashing waves. "Worse since I got home."
Danny's face softened towards Steve and the former SEAL couldn't cope.
"Don't look like that, please. I can't deal with the pity," Steve reacted, hating that look on Danny's face. "They're part and parcel with the job, right?"
"Not the point," Danny reprimanded unhappy with everything going on right now. "This talk isn't over. I'm putting it on pause merely because I'm worried a good gust of wind is going to knock you over."
"I've not lost that much weight!" Steve argued with an eyeroll.
"I'll be the judge of that when I have to pick you up off the sidewalk when you somersault off a building top or decide to take a bullet."
"Thought it was always you getting shot … not me?" Steve argued, sarcastically.
Danny hit Steve's arm and forced him towards where the team were laughing.
"Get inside, you animal."