I do NOT own anything, but the plot.
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As always, thank you and I hope you continue to enjoy what's to come!
Nalo a loaʻa
-loosely translate to "lost and found"-
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Steve woke with a jolt as someone took his hand.
Too soft to be Danny, too large to be Grace, and too attentive to be the nurse, he tried to clear the drug induced haze, but instead, blearily looked and felt his eyebrows crease together as his vision focused. As weight distributed beside him, moving his tender body, he didn't have time to react only accept as someone laid beside him. The sweet scent of raspberry and coconut body wash filtered his senses, he started to both simultaneously relax and tense. Familiarity caught him in its ghostly fingers, but his brain wanted to resist.
"Cath," he breathed, sure he was seeing things.
He knew his concussion was the thing plaguing him most, but this was a torture he'd rather not endure.
"Shh..." she whispered as she moved his arm and crawled onto the bed on his uninjured side. "Just be quiet, Steve."
Her gaze went over to the large couch that Danny was sleeping on, curled up on his side with a blanket pulled up to his chin. She didn't even doubt for a second that Danny would be far away.
Steve was trying to shift the drug haze he was living in, but he couldn't get it to clear as quickly as he wanted. Her weight moved and he felt the curve of her belly against his side. Stricken, his eyes dropped, and he was in awe that he had created life with the woman he was in love with. For six months, she had been growing a child that was a product of their love.
Not daring to touch, he remembered how his fingertips barely gripped a future he barely knew he wanted before it was gone.
"I don't understand," Steve uttered, choked beyond belief, scared to touch. "This isn't what you want."
As the words fell from his lips, Steve started to push back, his body seizing with pain, but he couldn't have her here.
"I was wrong. God, I was so wrong," she whispered back, her words coiled in tears, and she grabbed him, stilling his movements. "I was scared, and I acted out, but I don't want this baby to be in a world you are and not know you, Steve."
"Cath," he started, ready to stop her.
"This baby deserves a father like you, Steve. He deserves a chance and so do you." She started to softly sob, her words strangled by her emotions. "What I did to you… I'll never forgive myself for that. I was cruel and you…" She quietened for a moment, looking into his eyes. "You deserve this chance. God, Steve, above everyone you deserve this."
Trying in vain not to fall for it and allow his hope to rise, Steve remind rigid on the bed.
"You heard?" he asked, his words a vulnerable whisper.
She nodded, sobbing a little harder.
"I didn't leave right away... I couldn't," she said and brought a hand to Steve's cheek. "You deserve a chance to be a father."
"But you said you couldn't trust me," Steve replied, shaking his head. "I understood."
"But that's just it, Steve, you don't understand." Cath felt bitter towards herself, and she knew that no apology was big enough. "I was running from the situation, and I thought if I cut all ties, it would hurt less to lose you on my terms than anyone else's."
Remaining quiet, Steve contemplated and knew he understood that notion. He had tried to push everyone away because he knew it would be less painful to do it than watch them leave when he was desperate for them to stay.
"When you were pronounced dead, I felt myself shut down to the world. You have been in so many life-or-death situations, but you made me believe you were invincible. You always came home." She closed her eyes against the painfulness of the memory. "And then one day you were just gone. And I got angry … at you, at the world, at whoever was behind that explosion. And then I found out I was pregnant with your baby ..."
"And your anger turned to hate," Steve surmised, seeing his own emotions echoed in Cath.
"Yeah," she whispered, emotionally. "It doesn't make it right."
"No, but it makes sense."
"And the way you let me go," she started, pausing to bite her lip. "I wanted you to fight for me, for us, but you just took it in your stride and let me go, and I could see it was killing you to do."
Steve didn't speak, just dropped his gaze away so he was looking at the soft curve of Catherine's stomach. His brain was trying to compute everything he was hearing but he was struggling to get to grips that she was here.
"You are so unfazed by the world and what it throws at you, but I know you, Sailor."
She used her token nickname for him as delicate fingers reach up to touch his injured face, unable to realise that he was real, but what his blue eyes to look at her.
"You internalise everything in order to make sure everyone else around you is happy and content that you forget about yourself until either you're on your own or it's too late."
Steve kept his gaze low, unsure of what he was meant to say. He had so many things teetering on the tip of his tongue, but only one held any importance.
"I just want you to be happy," he admitted, his voice lost in the whisper it was carried in. "I realised I can't do that for you. I can't make you happy."
And like before, Steve came undone. He cried, unashamedly, and felt her arms encase him tightly as if wanting to push his pieces together. Unlike Danny, Cath's sweet scent filtered his system and caused him to lose complete control of himself in that moment.
"Steve?" she cooed, rocking him lightly so not hurt him.
"I'm so sorry," he cried, unable to stop himself. "For everything you've been through. For falling in love with a man like me."
"With a man like you?" She asked, perplexed and pushed herself up. "Why shouldn't I have fallen in love with a man like you."
"Because you deserve someone so much better." Steve's admittance burnt the air. "I have baggage and skeletons and I'm screwed up beyond belief. Plus, if Franklin Wright is anything to go by, I can't promise my past won't rear its ugly head. You deserve better than me, Cath. You were right when you said you can't trust me. I've never given you any reason to think otherwise."
"Hey, you listen to me for a minute," Catherine said, asserting herself. "I have been around this world a few times over now, and never have I met a man like you, Sailor." She gave him a small smile that matched the same sincerity of his token nickname. "We tried life apart, let our jobs and obligations tear us apart, but we always came back to one another. And lets face it, my track record isn't exactly any better."
"But what happened… with Franklin…"
"Taught me how lucky I am to have the chance for our son to have his father and for me to continue loving you."
"But what happened was cruel," Steve fought, his eyes welling up. "I might not have had a say, but I understand how horrible this had to have been for you all."
"And what about for you?" she asked, her voice soft. "How horrible was it for you?"
"It doesn't matter how it was for me," Steve deflected. "I don't matter in this."
"You do matter," Catherine fought back. "Never think you don't." Rubbing her thumb over his cheek, she caught the rogue tear and hated seeing Steve this low. "And I was destroyed at the thought of a life without you. You make me happy, Steve. Incredibly happy. I think a part of me didn't want to believe that I was lucky enough to get you back. So, never think you don't matter, please."
Sobering, Steve contemplated his next moves and realised he had lost so many chances and opportunities and this last stint with death, had taught him that he deserved to be happy too, to have his family back.
"I can't promise to be perfect, but I want a chance ... at a life with you, as your husband and as he's a dad."
"You want to marry me?" Cath gasped.
"Should've married you ten years ago, Catherine Rollins."
There was nothing Steve was surer of in life than his life of those around him.
"How about we wait until you're not on drugs and see if you still feel that way," she argued, unsure if she believed him.
"I'll still feel the same way," he admonished. "I've felt this way for a long time … even got a ring to prove it."
Cath stared at the man she loved and felt the dread filter her system at the mere idea of giving up a future with him. Loving Steve was as natural as her need for air, she could love him for every breath she took and never love him enough.
The way she felt about herself after what she had done to him earlier was a something she'd atone for later, but for now she wanted to lay here with Steve and revel in the idea that this dream would never end.
"You're not a cruel man, Steve. I was wrong to imply that."
"Why were you?" Steve asked, his expression turning sour. "You had to deal with all of this alone."
"You had to deal with this, too." She sniffled, trying to calm her raging emotions. "Plus, you weren't cruel when we created this," Cath mentioned and moved to reach behind her. Delving into her back pocket she pulled out a wade of small images. "Meet your son, Sailor," she whispered hanging over the images. "Every sonogram since I found out about him."
With shaky hands, Steve took the black and white grainy images and looked at the shapes as they evolved.
"How far gone are you?"
"Almost seven months," she admitted, grinning. "He's due December 20th."
"So soon?" Steve asked shocked and regret filled him. "I've missed out on so much."
Flicking through the photos, Steve stopped at the latest one, dated the day he came home, and he just stared at the form of a baby on that image. His thumb brushed over the very clear shape of a baby and his heart cramped.
"What are you thinking?" Cath asked, softly.
"Guess I'm scared," Steve admitted, not taking his eyes from the sonogram.
"Of what?"
Steve's lips twisted with thought, and he sighed.
"That this isn't real … that if it is real, I'll be a real shitty father," Steve admitted, confessing the lengths his fear now run. "What if I screw him up?"
"You won't screw him up," Cath comforted with a sharp voice, reaching out to touch Steve's face. "And do you think I don't sit awake at night wondering if you being alive is real? Sometimes I worry I'll wake up and it all be a lie."
Steve laughed at the mess between them.
"What a sorry state of affairs we've become."
"Maybe, but at least, we're in it together," Cath vowed and felt her muscle loosen as she relaxed beside him. "How are you feeling anyway?"
"Better," Steve replied, screwing his eyes up as he shifted, but when he opened them Cath's gaze told him to cut the bullshit. "I feel like shit."
That allowed a moment to pass and with it Cath's expression changed and she looked worried at his admittance.
"Should I get a nurse?" she asked, her stomach twisting with concerned. "I shouldn't even be here. It's gone midnight."
"You're where I want you to be," Steve admitted, taking her hand. "Danny got the nurse a few hours ago. I can't have any more drugs just yet."
"You took drugs?" Cath asked, cocking a brow. "You? Mr-I-Don't-Need-Drugs took hospital supplied narcotics?"
"Without a fight, too," Danny suddenly spoke up, his voice full of sleep.
"Grass," Steve grunted, flexing into the bed. "I'm not stupid."
"Only on days ending with a Y," Danny observed, sitting up on the sofa, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Want to tell me how this little midnight rendezvous occurred? And do I need to break it up?"
"I couldn't stay away," Cath admitted, almost meekly. "I needed to apologise. To you too I guess … Sorry I woke you up, too."
"Apology accepted but pending if you want to put my partner through more hell," Danny deadpanned unable to stop himself as he scrutinised the sight before him.
"You can give me that look all you want, Danny, I'll take it."
Nodding, Danny swung his legs off the couch, and watched the pair, noting immediately the change in atmosphere.
Danny had woken up when he heard Steve's crying and almost whispered replies, but he hadn't wanted to break the moment. If it wasn't for Cath's soft voice matching Steve's, he would've been straight by his side. As protective as he was feeling, the pair on the bed needed this and they didn't need his input.
The idea that Steve would get to experience what he did with Grace and Charlie was enough to make his heart swell, because he knew without a doubt, Steve would never fail at fatherhood. He may have loved Danny's kids in the capacity of an uncle, but there were moments when he had been a parental figure, and Danny had stood back and allowed him.
When he had said Steve had Ohana'ed them, he meant that with every fibre of his being.
Movement from Steve caught both Catherine and Danny's attention as he rubbed his brow, fingers squeezing until they turned white.
"Is it your head still?" Danny asked, getting up to rush to Steve's injured side, leaving Catherine where she was. "The doc said if you're not better tomorrow during his morning rounds, they'll have to repeat the MRI. I told him it was pointless … that little fight you had with Franklin knocked whatever brains you had left into smithereens."
"I'm fine," Steve mumbled.
"Fine he says," Danny mused with a heavy eye roll. "You do remember you nearly lost half of your blood volume, too, right?" Danny asked, causing a gasp to emit from Catherine. "Oh, don't worry, Ramboette, they topped him up."
"I'm not a car," Steve growled sharply.
"No, but you are a machine," Danny deadpanned, giving Steve a pointed look. "You ran at a man after he put a bullet in you … you act more like robcop now than you do human."
"Sorry, can someone give me some context here?" Cath asked, looking both perplexed and worried. "You got shot and ran at the man? Grace may have omitted details, so they'd be greatly appreciated."
Steve shrugged, suddenly shrinking into himself like a naughty schoolboy.
"The kids were in the house … Franklin shouldn't have even been alive. I couldn't have him ruining everything again."
"Steve," Cath murmured softly.
"He stole my entire life on the coattail of a vendetta. I couldn't let him do anymore damage. Not when I was just starting to get some of it back. I'd lost you, lost my little sister, lost my entire damn navy career … I couldn't cope with losing anything else. I just wanted it to be over."
Catherine sobered on that notion. Steve couldn't cope with losing anything else and she waltzed in and stole his chance of a happy future. They hadn't ever discussed the prospect of kids, but she knew, if it were to happen, Steve was noble and loyal and loving enough to create the perfect family with. It was a mission he would've taken seriously, and he would've done everything possible to give her and their child the most fulfilling, enriched life.
It took her all of getting to the entrance of the hospital to realise Steve had never been that cruel, not by choice, but she had tortured the man she claimed to love.
As the realisation hit her, she had to get off the bed, pushing herself away from Steve's body.
"Whoa, Cath," Danny reacted, rounding the bed in time to lunge forward to steady her. "Where you going, Army Barbie?"
"Navy," both Steve and Cath corrected in unison.
"Awh, the synchronicity didn't die," Danny cheered with mock glee. "Now, can I release you without you falling over?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm good," she whispered, not so sure of herself. "I just need some air."
"Cath," Steve breathed, pushing himself up. "What's wrong?"
With watering eyes, she cast a look at him so full of remorse, she felt her entire being shake with it.
"How can you just forgive me?" she asked with a small voice. "You should hate me."
"Can't hate you when I understand why you did it, Cath. Also, there's been enough hate going around lately to last a lifetime, I can't deal with any more."
"He's got a point," Danny agreed and then pointed at her stomach. "And judging by that lump, you didn't hate each other when you were procreating."
"Not sure which round did it," Steve mused, showing the first shit-eating grin to grace his face in months.
"Ew, gross," Danny muttered, placing a hand to his mouths. "I did not need that mental image."
"Has it been so long you've forgotten how a baby is made?" Steve asked, cocking a brow as his lips twitched with the impending grin. "Do you need a refresher course on the birds and the bees, Danno?"
"No, Steven, I do not, but I don't need to imagine what weird ass sex position it took to create a Rambino."
"Rambino," Steve echoed, chuckling on the name and looked at the sonograms still in his hands. In black and white was so many promises and slowly Steve rose his gaze. "Can't wait for the day he calls you Uncle Danno."
Catherine had to laugh at that, laughing harder as Danny reacted.
"You're a real piece of work, McGarrett. I hate you so much."
"Love you too, Buddy," Steve replied, glancing down at the sonogram and smiling proudly. "Now, meet your nephew."
Danny didn't need telling twice.