Tony is immensely grateful for the millionth time that the Super Soldier Serum did not come with laser eyes. Because the intensity in which both Steve and Bucky are staring at the ground would have incinerated this place within seconds.
Dr. Raymond had welcomed them back for the 9th session and had given both Steve and Bucky permission to start whenever they felt comfortable. That had been over 7 minutes ago and Tony wasn't sure how much more silence he could take.
He'd told Natasha that he was going to sit these sessions out, but she'd stared at him, with a look so unforgiving that he'd cowed under it and promised to be there.
"It's not about wanting to witness his pain." She'd admonished, "its about being there for him through it and especially after it."
So here he sat, with the bionic staring machine and Capcicle. Silent as the ice graves they were kept in. Tony winces, he really shouldn't be thinking that way anymore. Humor was always a deflection, but after seeing the way they experienced it… Well lets just say he's been trying to come up with new nicknames.
Only Steve and Bucky wear the bands this time. Dr. Raymond has calmly informed them that they shouldn't need to be prodded into sharing memories, and that having the Avengers jump in and share memories would only prolong the inevitable.
Natasha is sitting, relaxed and patient, while Clint fiddles with something in his fingers. Bruce is attempting not to stare at the two soldiers and barely succeeding.
"Never thought I'd see the day when Steve Rogers was a coward."
Five pairs of eyes whip towards Bucky and he grins, a smile that Tony has been seeing more and more during normal daily activities. The one that clearly reads Bucky Barnes and not Winter Soldier.
Steve has the grace to flush red and then chuckle.
"Ouch Buck, low blow."
Bucky rolls his eyes and gestures with his hand for Steve to start.
Steve shifts in his chair a minute and then speaks out.
"Anything I should start with, in particular, Dr. Raymond?"
"Well, the list I have here of what was shown during your capture is a good place to start, but truthfully, any memory that you fear, any memory that causes you pain is probably healthy to bring up and go through."
He nods, stretching his neck to the side and leaning back.
Brief flashes of his father either hitting him or his mother flash fast through the room. The others go still but he doesn't stop, flashing through them fast and letting them out of his mind.
It had only happened a handful of times, Sarah Rogers wouldn't allow it to continue once she saw it was not something she could help her husband through after the horrors of war had changed him.
"And how do you feel about these memories, Captain Rogers." Dr. Raymond asks in a calm and professional manner.
Steve scrubs a hand down his face and sighs. "I didn't even really remember these memories until after the serum. But I—" He pauses and looks around, Tony can see he's about to pull back, to hide behind the stoic facade when Steve catches Bucky's eyes, worried and concerned, but steady. So Steve presses on. "I think that my father's reluctance to want to pay for my medical bills plays a part in me not always being honest about what I might need."
"Care to explain that last part a bit more?"
He bites down on his tongue and looks at Natasha, she gazes back serenely and he looks sheepish. "Remember when we got back from Hong-Kong, and you discovered the blood on my seat in the Quinjet?" Her expression darkens, but she lets him continue. " "The whole flight back… I thought it was okay, that it had closed up, but I didn't notice the blood stain on the dark leather, and I wasn't planning on telling anyone that I had been stabbed. But you went back to grab your widow bites and your hand slipped on the blood and you came back, yelling at me about hiding things?" She nods tersely and he sighs. "I didn't start telling you about injuries I could hide, I just got better at hiding them. I felt like… As a leader, it was my job to help the team, not add a burden on it."
Bucky is staring at Steve with a murderous expression and Tony winces at the clear face of the Winter Soldier, but he doesn't move and Steve isn't looking at him.
"Captain Rogers-" Dr. Raymond begins, but Steve holds up his hand.
"I actually got this one. I get it. It was a foolish perspective. Withholding my injuries doesn't help us as a team, and it could make us more vulnerable. I shouldn't have let my father's dismissal of my needs carry through into my own treatment of myself. And I promise to try to tell you guys if I'm injured."
Tony huffs at the words and rolls his eyes. Try to tell us. But the clear thoughts make everyone relax just a bit and Natasha nods even though she still has a bit of a glare towards Steve.
Dr. Raymond says a few words, but Tony can tell she likes how that was handled so she lets them continue on their own.
Steve motions at Bucky and his nose scrunches in distaste before closing his eyes. A few scenes of a beat up Steve pass by: picking him up off the playground, finding him in an alley, but it settles on an image of Steve so skinny, that his bones are actually sharp and pushing through the skin. A glass of mint water is visible on the dresser and Steve is reassuring Bucky.
"I'm fine, Buck. I don't even feel hungry."
"Steve, you shut up, that's not a good sign." The harsh words don't mask the complete terror that everyone in the room can read clearly on 13 year old Bucky's face.
"Please drink." He grabs the glass and brings it to Steve who is laying across the threadbare couch.
"You're such a mother he—" Steve's eyes droop suddenly and he goes silent. The glass clatters to the floor, spilling the green tinted liquid and Bucky is frozen in shock.
"Steve?" No response.
"Steve? STEVE." He's shaking his friend, as gently as he dares with how fragile his bones are. "Wake up, you WAKE UP this instant!"
He cries for help but no one comes. He turns and runs out the door, desperate to get a neighbor to run to Mrs. Rogers who's on shift at the hospital.
He comes back, Steve still out cold and he sits there, staring at the gaunt skeletal form of his friend, breath barely passing through his lips.
The group straightens as the memory fades and the biggest sigh comes from Steve.
"Buck."
No answer.
"I'm not that kid anymore."
The answer, while not harsh, is a bit brittle. "Then how come I still feel like you are?"
"Sergeant Barnes, would you like to explain why that memory was important to share?"
Bucky considers for just a moment before speaking. "Steve just admitted that he never asked the avengers for help, or told people when he needed it. That's been the same since we were kids. This was the day we found out that Steve had been deliberately refusing to eat during the day so that his ma would have more food at dinner time. He almost died from not taking care of himself. I felt it was necessary for him to see how negatively that can affect others around him."
The visible wince from Steve almost makes Tony feel bad for the guy.
Tony doesn't think Steve means too, but the room darkens and suddenly they are watching Steve find a half coherent Bucky on the table in Azzano. Bucky looks horrible and the fear and concern on Steve's face makes it clear that something is wrong with Bucky but neither says anything as Steve rips the straps off him. Steve's eyes linger on the medical equipment around them.
"Steve, Stop." Bucky shouts.
The memory fades as quickly as it came and Steve looks shocked.
"I— I didn't mean to. I—" He falls silent and his hands clench together in his lap.
Dr. Raymond takes this opportunity to speak. "What do you mean by 'you didn't mean to'? Why did that memory surface without your bidding?"
The slightly stuttered breath of both Steve and Bucky are the only sound for a moment.
"You're still mad."
"No, Buck. I'm not."
"You. Are. Still. Mad." Bucky says again, clipping each word, leaving no room for an argument.
Steve's jaw clenches and he falls silent.
Natasha surprises Tony by speaking. "What would Steve be mad about? That you were captured?"
"No. He's mad I didn't tell him about Zola's experimentation. That I never shared the changes I was feeling afterwards."
"I'm not mad." Steve argues.
"You are."
"Captain Rogers, why are you upset that Sergeant Barnes didn't share his experience? Many soldiers who have suffered such torture don't like to speak about it. Did you feel like you had a right to hear it because you rescued him?"
The immediate shock and panic in Steve's eyes make Tony draw back a bit.
"No! I never would have. I wasn't even thinking that way."
"Then why are you mad, Steve?" Bucky asks again somberly.
"Because!" Steve shouts, standing up, and despair filling his face as his hands pull at his hair, "if I had known, there's nothing I wouldn't have done— I would have jumped after you, I would have—" His voice chokes and he stands, his back facing them, breathing raggedly as realization dawns on the group.
Guilt. Guilt that he hadn't jumped off that train to try to save his best friend when he'd fallen.
"Steve." Bucky's voice cuts in, he's aiming for slightly annoyed, but missing by a mile as the horror of what his friend just said plays through his voice. "I chose not to tell you. It's not your fault I fell. And I would have belted you a new one if you'd jumped after me."
"But you survived Buck. Which means I would have survived, and I could have pulled you from the river and then, I wouldn't have—"
"Wouldn't have what!" Bucky shouts, standing up and pulling on Steve's shoulder, trying to get him to face them. "Wouldn't have let yourself die in the Valkyrie? Yeah, don't think I've forgotten the crushing sense of reckless abandonment we felt from you when you stormed Schmidt's base! How dare you! How dare you think my death was a good excuse for you to use to give up?"
"I didn't give up!" Steve's voice is harsh and cutting. A tone sharper than Tony had ever heard him use before. "If you had told me and I had the chance to save you, then I wouldn't have been alone on that god-forsaken plane! You would have been by my side! And yeah, maybe we both would have still gone down, but it would have been together." His voice starts to crack but he doesn't stop shouting, "and I wouldn't have had to wake up alone, in a new century, struggling to find reasons to keep living, only to then find out that I let my best friend get tortured for 70 years because I. Didn't. Jump."
Bucky recoils and Steve takes a stuttering step back at the words he's just shouted.
Bucky's eyes glaze over and Tony doesn't even have time to process the implications of what Steve just shouted when a memory jumps unbidden in front of his eyes.
Bucky is sitting, his ankles chained together and to a wall. His face is bruised and he looks a little skinnier but Tony can tell this must not have been more than a month after he fell. He still has the fire of Sergeant Barnes in his eyes and he's picking at a slightly moldy piece of bread that's on his knee. His left arm is just a stump and the bandage looks a bit too dirty for Tony's taste.
A creak has their eyes drawing up as a Hydra guard steps in. He tosses something at Bucky and it lands in a flurry around his legs.
"What's this?" Bucky asks suspiciously. The guard removes his helmet and stares at Bucky with a menacing smile that makes Bucky's breath change. "What is it?"
"Good news." Is all the man says before slamming the door shut and leaving Bucky alone.
He starts picking up the papers that are scattered around him. It's a German newspaper, Tony realizes as he watches Bucky flip and examine each page.
It's only when he manages to find the front page that Tony's heart drops to his stomach.
In big bold black words the headline screams: Der Tod von Captain America
The date on the top left corner draws Tony's eyes and he doesn't need a translation to know what the story is about. A picture of Steve is on the front, taken from one of the many newsreels about Captain America's war efforts. But none of that matters as Tony watches the man in the memory crumble.
"No— No, this can't be." The hoarse whispers turn into angry sobs as he clutches the paper in his fists. He crawls to the door, ankles still chained behind him and he bangs on the door with his right hand, he shouts at the guards, "You're lying, you're LYING! Come back here you bastards! You're lying! I don't believe it! He'd never—"
His voice chokes off and a look of agony crosses his face as he realizes that Steve would in fact, die for whatever cause he deemed necessary.
The memory starts to fade as Bucky lays on the ground, crying and shouting at the guards still. When his voice gives out, he curls up on himself, clutching the paper against his chest, denying in voiceless whispers that the worst thing he could ever have imagined has happened.
—
The absolute stricken look on Steve's face is accentuated by the tears streaming down it.
"You died to me too." Bucky whispers. "And I wish I could change everything. I wish I had been by your side in that plane, or maybe we would have figured out a way to put it down without crashing, I don't know. But there's no use feeling guilty about 'what ifs'." His hand rests gently on Steve's arm, but the horrified look on Steve's face stays.
"I think we've gone through enough for today." Dr. Raymond cuts in, startling Clint. "I'll see you all next session." The voice cuts out, but nobody moves.
"We're all going to the common room." Tony finds himself saying.
Natasha's eyes find his first and the question in them is clear.
"We are ordering a ton of food, putting on a movie, and challenging Steve to an ingredient contest."
Neither of the super soldiers have moved, but Tony presses forward, willing the one tool he has in his arsenal at the moment: humor, to work.
"Hey, listen, attendance is mandatory." He quips, gently shoving Bruce and Clint out of the room, leaving Natasha with the two soldiers still standing there like trees. "Be there in an hour or else I will send FRIDAY after you." He shuts the door behind him and the three men exhale in shock as they head to the elevator.
"You know," Clint says, eyes clouded, "I don't— I can't even begin to—-" He huffs, the words not coming.
"I know, Clint." Bruce says, casting a glance backwards at the room. "But… we can't let what we see affect how we treat them. Or at least… not let it negatively affect. We need to be there to support them both as they work through this—"
"This 7th circle of hell therapy?" Tony offers, eyebrow arched.
"I would personally like to put Ross through what Steve has been through and see how he comes out the other side." Clint snarls.
"Ross." The word coming out of Bruce's mouth sounds like a curse.
Tony lets the thought roll around in his mind as the elevator takes them to the common room floor.
—-
"You both need to take some time to think about everything you guys said and saw, and then talk about it when you're ready, okay?" Natasha is speaking slowly and calmly as she's gently pushing and maneuvering them out of the room and up to their floors.
Bucky nods, more coherent than Steve, as he disappears behind his door, but Steve grasps her forearm.
"I can't do this." His eyes fill with sorrow and still so much guilt.
"Steve, what happened to 'I can do this all day?'" She doesn't say it teasingly, she says it firmly, trying to remind him who he is.
"That's different, that's when I'm fighting for what I believe in, not causing Bucky pain."
"Believe it or not, you're causing each other pain, and sadly it's necessary pain. You have to work through this. If you don't, it will be a weakness forever. A weakness that anyone— Ross for example— could exploit." She places a hand on his chest, feeling the heartbeat underneath. "I have never doubted the strength of your resolve. Your dedication to doing the right thing. Barnes knows that, he doesn't blame you, and you shouldn't blame yourself. Easier said than done, I get it— but you will get through this. And you will be stronger on the other side."
His eyes don't exactly change, but they do settle just a bit. He's about to go into his room when she grasps his shirt, pulling him back. "I haven't forgotten." She says calmly, not with any accusation, but the serious tone has his eyes finding hers. "What you said today, about not finding a reason to live. I hope…" She lets go of his shirt and smooths it over. "I hope you know you can talk to any one of us, but… I do want to discuss that more with you, in the future, if you're willing."
"Natasha, I didn't mean it quite like that, I just… It wasn't the best time in my life and I wasn't doing so hot."
"And it's improved since?"
He smiles ruefully, the first smile she's seen all day and he rolls his eyes, "well, these last few weeks notwithstanding." He's about to say something else but then his eyes are drawn to Bucky's door. "You're right. It is hard, but I have my best friend back. I won't waste this second chance by sulking about what I can't change. He's my brother, and I owe him to go through with this, to help him try to remember who he was and who he wants to become. If we can get cleared then maybe, maybe we can live normal lives in this new century."
"Normal?" Her eyebrow arches.
"Well, as normal as an Avenger's life can be." She smiles at that and his shoulders relax.
"Thanks Natasha."
"You can thank me by actually coming to Tony's mandatory thing. And bring Barnes." Steve groans but he agrees to meet them there soon.
—
*A/N thank you for the kind comments and PMs! I have appreciated them all and your encouragement!