Chapter 5
Steve stands with his hand raised about to knock on Bucky's door. He's freshly showered and dressed in comfortable jeans and a t-shirt, but the feeling of an approaching battle swirls in his stomach.
"I can hear you thinking from in here." Comes a slightly annoyed but mostly amused voice.
Steve sighs. He knocks and the door opens moments later. He's surprised to see Bucky standing there, also freshly showered and changed.
"You were going to come?" He asks, a bit in disbelief.
Bucky's eyes go blank and his voice drops to a monotone. "Attendance is mandatory."
Steve's mouth drops open in shock. Every once and a while the programming beaten into Bucky rears its head. He's learned to avoid phrases that sound like commands and he hadn't even thought about how Stark had said that. His whirling thoughts are cut off by a snicker and he focuses back in to see Bucky looking at him and trying not to laugh.
"You absolute JERK." Steve snarls, shoving him lightly. Bucky stumbles back a bit but just laughs and laughs.
"You—" he chokes out, 'You should have seen your face!" He sits on his bed, and his shoulders still shake as he chuckles. Steve wants to be angry, the joke really isn't that funny to him, but the giddiness of Bucky's laughter is infectious and he finds a grin on his face. An annoyed and disbelieving grin, but still a grin.
He leans against the doorframe. And Bucky wipes at his eyes, growing quiet.
"I didn't make you watch that to make you feel guilty." He says, catching Steve off guard.
"What?"
"The memory of me finding out about your death."
Steve breathes deeply, absorbing that information.
"You know they did it to me multiple times?"
"Did what?"
"They told me that you died, over and over. For the first couple years after they figured out the machine that wiped memories." He looks apologetically at Steve who looks like someone has just stabbed him in the heart.
"Why? Why would they do that?"
"Other than being sadistic bastards?" Bucky says darkly, "They figured out that the more emotionally vulnerable I was, the more they could manipulate my mind and shove their programming into me, like my brain was weaker." He thinks and shakes his head. "I talked to Tony, just briefly, asking if he'd figured out why Beck and Zemo had captured you to begin with…" Steve is still as Bucky speaks, "He started explaining what he thought they were after, and suddenly I connected the dots. I think they were going to continue trying to emotionally break you down, so that way they could swoop in and reprogram your memories or make you into their own version of the Winter Soldier. And maybe me too once I showed up. I think they were hoping to find me later after they already had control of you, but I showed up on their doorstep instead. The mixture of drugs and mental trauma was a way to weaken the serum just enough to get their hands in the proverbial pot."
"Why capture the others then?" Steve's voice constricts, sickened at what he'd just heard. Bucky takes a deep breath, flexing his fingers and running his metal arm over the soft comforter.
"Well, I think Zemo and Beck had different endgames. Zemo was hoping to use you to kill the others, publicly probably or on video, and then have you go on a rampage that would probably end in your death. He doesn't want any more souped up individuals, but Beck was hoping he could either have control over all of you, or use your blood to figure out how to de-hulk Bruce and then have you kill the rest, but keep you on as his personal bodyguard. I'm not 100% certain, a lot of what Tony and I were discussing was conjecture. And around this part something started burning in Tony's lab so I left pretty quickly after that."
"Do you think it would have worked?" Steve whispers.
Bucky huffs, scrubbing a hand at the back of his neck. 'Honestly? I don't know. Of course I hope not… But you saw the others' faces as they experienced your memories. They were broken and beaten down after 2 days. How long do you think you would have lasted watching them in that kind of pain and going through it yourself? I hate to give credit to those bastards, but the way they were attempting this would probably have been pretty efficient. Not to mention the drugs and psychotropics they were pumping us with. You remember when they were cycling your blood through that machine?"
Steve's voice is dry and brittle when he responds, "Yeah…"
"They were running different drugs to lower your immune system. Mixing so many that without the serum you would have been dead in minutes. They weren't just pumping it into your veins, they were physically mixing it into your bloodstream, like the opposite of dialysis." Bucky's face looks apologetic as he watches Steve's skin turn gray. "When they were breaking me… It took them years, they didn't have a machine that showed the worst or most traumatic moments of my life over and over. They didn't know how to affect the serum. They had to keep relying on the news of your death to break me down, but as my memory of you disappeared almost completely, they just started to treat me like a dog and I started to obey."
Steve slides down to the floor heavily, his legs splayed out in front of him.
"Steve, I know it's hard to hear, that they might have broken you down, but that's part of the reason I agreed to Ross' therapy from hell, and I'm glad you did too. If we—" He stands up and straightens his shirt, stepping closer to Steve. "If we work through all the crap we went through? Well then no one can ever mess with us again. And it really is unfortunate that the rest of the team has to be there, but you don't want them being vulnerable do you? They've worked or are working through their crap, and we have to too, for their sakes… but mostly for our own." He reaches out his hand, offering to help Steve stand up.
Steve eyes it, not warily, but knowing that if he accepts it, then he really has to go to these sessions and stop hiding. He sighs heavily and reaches out.
—-
Tony's head whips up as the elevator dings.
Bucky, followed by a grayer than usual Steve exit out, and Tony can feel the palpable relief of the group that they decided to show up.
Mandatory or not, he wasn't sure they would.
Bucky stands at attention and stares blankly ahead. The room goes quiet as they watch Bucky fall back into his Winter Soldier stance.
Steve punches his arm, not softly, and says, "cut that out, Buck."
Bucky's face breaks into a smile and he fake bemoans his joke. "As, come on Stevie! Let me have my fun! I wasn't allowed to have fun for 70 years." His mock furrowed brow has Steve laughing who fills them in on the joke Bucky was trying to play that had tricked him not a few minutes before.
The tension disappears and the group shares eye-rolls and banter about the 'supposed hilarity' of such dark humor.
"Wait." Clint says suddenly, cutting Natasha off and standing up like he'd been shocked. "STEVIE?"
Realization dawns on the rest of the group and Steve is turning bright red as Bucky laughs and laughs.
"They've never called you that?" Bucky's gasping now, "That's what I called him growing up, he always hated it."
"Yeah," Steve grumbles but with a twinkle in his eye, "I did. And I would appreciate it if that nickname found its way to stay in the 1940's."
Natasha has a wicked look in her eye that Tony knows means they haven't heard the last of this.
"Okay," Tony claps his hands together, rubbing them in anticipation. "Thanks to one Sergeant Barnes, we've found out that Steve has been keeping secrets." Steve opens his mouth to protest but is quieted by 5 pointed glares, "So we are going to test one of these secrets tonight." He makes a waving gesture and everyone looks at the 7 humongous cookies that are set on different plates before the group. They are each divided into 6 triangles and set on a piece of paper with a number. "I asked my chefs to make 7 different cookies. They all vary in some way or form. And no I was not told how" Tony interjects on himself, staving off Clint's arched eyebrow. "You will each write what you think is different about each one, and once we are done, we will see who is right, and if Bucky's memory holds up." Tony holds up a small sealed envelope, and places it in the middle of the table.
"You all are screwed." Bucky says lightly. "The only time I ever saw Steve miss an ingredient was after his tongue was almost cut off and we gave him a pass for that one."
Tony doesn't miss the grim expression that flashes across Steve's face, but it's gone in an instant and Steve shakes his shoulders and leans forward. "So what do I get when I get them all right?"
"Wow, someone's confident in themselves." Clint says, surprise in his voice.
"Yeah, Cap, I've never seen you like… excited for something like this before. Or excited at all really." Bruce says, studying the cookies as if he might science the answers out of them.
This time Tony sees the same grim expression appear on Bucky's face and it stays for a second too long. But Steve leans back, hands behind his head and smiles, a more cocky smile than he's ever seen Steve wear before.
"You guys don't get it. This is something I used to do all the time with the commandos. Sure there were a lot of crazy hectic missions, but there were also endless hours waiting for orders, hiding in the underbrush, or traipsing across Europe. We had time to kill and I can't tell you how many bets I won doing this. I had so many cigarette packs at one time that I asked for another army issue bag just to carry them all."
Natasha splutters on the water she's sipping. "You smoked?"
Steve looks aghast. "Oh hell no, the stuff aggravated my lungs so much when I was a kid I would never have touched them, even after the serum, but they were the best trading chip around. With enough cartons you could get almost anything."
"Alright Cap, what would you want to win if you did?"
He shrugs, looking around as if trying to get an idea. "I dunno… bragging rights I guess?"
Bucky, Tony, Clint, and Natasha groan loudly at the same time. Bruce just chuckles.
"Steve, you live in the tower of one of the richest guys in America, and you just want bragging rights?" Clint huffs and throws his arms up in disbelief.
"As rude as that is," Tony quips, throwing him an eye roll, "I agree with birdbrains here, you need something tangible."
"I know something." Natasha taunts, "Something I think you'd actually like, and it would be useful." Steve pauses his protest as the idea of something useful intrigues him.
"What?" Bucky asks, equally intrigued.
"A new, custom designed, made by the owner himself, Stark Industries Motorcycle."
Several pairs of eyes go wide, but Steve is about to protest on how he could never afford that and wouldn't want Tony to go through the trouble, when he sees the absolute giddy excitement in Tony's eyes at the prospect.
"Uh… Okay?" He says, shrugging his shoulders a bit sheepishly.
There's cheers and crows of excitement as the bet is made official and they look to Tony who starts handing out pens and papers. Every person takes one, writes their name on the top and they begin.
The cookies are eaten one at a time and in a specific order. Tony hands out the pieces and the avengers chew thoughtfully before writing down their guesses.
There is a single control cookie, based off the Tollhouse recipe, and the variations will all be based on that.
It only takes them about 12 minutes to complete all the cookies. They fold up their papers and hand it to the person on the left. Bruce takes the envelope to read the answers.
"Okay, the first cookie is—"
"Wait!" Bucky shouts, causing the group to freeze.
'What?" asks Bruce.
"We always made him guess, and out of order. Give him some sort of a challenge."
"Him being Steve?" Bruce clarifies.
"Yeah," Bucky says, grinning mischievously at his friend. "He has to get all the cookies right but in whatever order you decide to ask him."
Steve rolls his eyes but does not protest.
"Okay… Since Steve is the only one with a bet at stake here I guess that makes sense." Bucky swipes the numbers off the table and gets rid on any crumbs that might be clues.
"Geez, paranoid much?" Steve drolls.
"Oh, don't think I've forgotten that time outside Manchester, with the chocolate bars." Steve's smile turns wicked and Tony hears Natasha almost gasp at the sight. Never in their lives have they seen Steve Rogers look like he meant trouble, and it was a sight to behold.
"Okay Dr. banner." Bucky said, "Whenever you're ready."
Bruce nods and studies the paper. "Okay, Steve, cookie number 5?" Everyone's eyes drop to the paper their grading, Steve's is sitting face down in the middle, but Steve's eyes never leave Bruce's face.
"They used coconut oil instead of butter." He says without hesitation.
Bruce nods, his eyes a bit wide.
Clint huffs, "that was an easy one, even Tony got that one." He gestures to the paper in his hand.
"Shut up, feathers for brains. You didn't get that one." Clint sticks his tongue out and Natasha waves for Bruce to continue.
"Cookie number 3?"
"They used that Pink Himalayan Salt Tony is always talking about and using, instead of regular table salt."
"Cookie number 7?"
"Mixture of Dark and Semi-Sweet Chocolate."
"Cookie number 4?"
Steve pauses and the group perks but then he smiles, "That was the one where they used whole wheat flour instead of regular bleached."
"Cookie number 1?"
"Cookie number one had real vanilla bean, like the paste one."
The group is silent now, looking at their papers and Bucky just sits smiling from ear to ear.
"Cookie number 5?"
"That one was a tough one," Steve says, nodding his head, "And I probably wouldn't have gotten that one back in the forties because we didn't use it since I was allergic, but that one was made with a mixture of regular flour and almond flour."
"And cookie number 2?" Bruce asks, staring in wide eyed wonder.
Steve's smile widens. "Cookie two used a different brand of baking soda than the Arm and Hammer brand used in the rest."
The silence in the room is so all encompassing that Tony can't remember for how long they just sat there.
"You've got to be joking me." Clint shouts, jumping up and ripping the paper out of Bruce's hands. He studies it and his eyes glaze over as he reads it. "Did you cheat?" He accuses, thrusting the paper right in front of Steve's eyes. "You cheated didn't you?"
Natasha's face twists in disbelief and Tony sits there mouth hanging open.
"How would I have cheated Clint?" Steve laughs, shoving the paper way. "Can I assume this means I was right?"
The dead silence is a give away and Steve laughs, stands up, gives a small salute and turns towards the kitchen to get a glass of water.
"Did he just—"
"STEVEN GRANT ROGERS YOU DID NOT JUST WALK AWAY FROM HERE." Clint shouts.
Steve hears Bucky laugh as Bruce seriously asks if Steve can see through paper.
—-
After sitting back down, Natasha points a finger, poking him in the chest. "Tell us how."
"I already did tell you. I can taste really well, but more than that," he grimaces, knowing what he's about to explain always grosses people out. "Erskine said it affects all my muscles. That includes my tongue. It can taste and feel textures that my regular tongue never could."
"Somehow I'm disgusted and scientifically intrigued at the same time." Bruce admits, leaning back in the chair. "Explain each cookie."
"Well, the differing textures is an easy clue to pick up, once I knew it was a different salt. I could identify the flavor. Same with the vanilla bean paste and the differing flours. The coconut oil has such a strong flavor, most humans can pick up that one, and the chocolate is easily identifiable."
"I got 5 right." Bucky says cheerily. Steve claps him on the back and chuckles.
"I just don't get it." Tony says, eyebrows furrowed. "Why enhance the tongue muscle? Like what was the point?"
"I think it was just a side effect of the serum. Erskine didn't know it would happen. It wasn't purposeful, but you're right it is kind of a pointless thing to—"
Bucky is suddenly on his feet and grabbing Steve by the collar, yanking him to his feet, shaking him and shouting, his eyes far away.
"Don't say that! Don't you EVER SAY THAT. You don't remember? You don't—" Steve's confusion and concern is clear as the rest of the group reacts. They're about to pull Bucky off him but Steve puts up his hand, holding them off.
"Buck? Bucky, what's wrong?"
"I was gonna show you, I promise."
Steve's brow furrow. "Show me what?"
"I wasn't sure you remembered."
Steve peels Bucky's hands from his shirt front. "Remember what, Buck?"
"That German guy, the one we thought was Swedish."
The immediate darkening of Steve's features makes it apparent to Tony that he does in fact remember.
"I remember Buck. I remember."
"It's not pointless." The ice in which Bucky says this makes Steve wince.
"You're right Bucky. It's not pointless. I didn't think of it in that context." Bucky relaxes at that and slides down onto the couch, his adrenaline wearing down, hand and metal hand shaking slightly.
"Care to fill us in?" Tony quips, trying to lighten the mood.
"Uh…" Steve says, scrubbing the back of his neck. "You think you can get the memory machine running?"
"You… want to show us?" Natasha asks, surprise coloring her voice.
"No." Steve admits, "But Bucky and I talked and we agreed that the only way to do this, so that we all can be safe from it happening again, is to do it as thoroughly as we can, and sadly that means dragging the rest of you with us." He grimaces but there is a bit of acceptance in his eyes as well.
Bucky isn't looking at them but his hands have stopped shaking.
"Alright Cap, let's go."
—
They all sit and Steve stands with his hands resting in his pockets.
Bucky has mostly recovered from his outburst and is sitting, the metal band in his hands.
Steve slips his band on and closes his eyes, thinking. The room darkens and an image of Steve, sodden in the rain appears. He's sitting, his back towards the camp as he watches the forest around them.
"This isn't—" Bucky starts.
"Just watch." Steve says, a little hesitantly.
A man appears, sitting down next to Steve. He hands Steve a can of beans with a fork stuck in it, it's warm and it smells good.
"Where'd you get this?" Steve asks, eyeing it a bit dubiously.
"I traded for it from one of the guys because I was starving, but turns out I don't like the flavor. Heard you need a lot of extra food though, so I figured, why not?"
Steve's eyes soften at the kind gesture. "I got cigarettes, you want a pack?"
"Nah, nah." The guy waves him off, "getting to feed Captain America? That's good enough for me. I'll walk the perimeter. You eat."
Steve nods gratefully as the man disappears. He begins to eat, because the man is right, he's always hungry nowadays.
It isn't until two hours or so later that he knows something is wrong. He stands up but the motion makes him dizzy and he crashes forward onto his knees.
He vomits violently, blood and half digested beans coming up. He vomits every few minutes for maybe a half an hour, mostly blood and bile after the first few rounds. His stomach feels like there are shards of glass being shoved around, and the fire that is burning his esophagus is almost unbearable. His body aches and he finds himself flat on his back, eyes, nose, and throat burning from the effort of vomiting. After a solid five minutes where he doesn't vomit, he tries crawling back in the direction he hopes in the camp, making it about halfway before passing out.
The next thing he remembers is Jacques shouting his name. He can tell it's him by the accent, but he can't tell what direction it's coming from. Another voice joins the call and another.
Soon a flashlight is shining near him and he weakly tries to lift his hand to be seen.
"Over here!" A chorus of calls as he's being hauled back to camp and laid next to the fire.
"Bloody Hell." A voice that could only be Monty's speaks above him. "What the devil happened to him?"
"Steve?" Morita asks, wiping something cold and wet around his mouth. "Can you hear me Steve?"
Steve nods and the group gives a sigh of relief.
"What happened, Steve?" He tries. But Steve can't speak, his throat feels like it's on fire, and his brain is fuzzy from so much blood loss.
"Let's get him cleaned up, hopefully the serum's working to fix whatever happened."
The others fall silent and Steve sleeps.
When he wakes again, he is feeling more normal if not a bit nauseated and dizzy.
He tries to sit up but it makes him vomit again and more blood comes up. He groans at the pain in his throat and suddenly hands are shushing him and pushing him back down. Water is being held to his lips and he sips it barely. It does feel good to drink water so he accepts it when it's offered again.
"Steve? Can you talk?"
"Yeah." He croaks, wincing at the motion.
"What happened?"
"Don't know." His brow furrows. "Think i was poisoned."
The other sit back.
"What?"
"By who?"
Steve looks around, eyeing all the men in the camp as best he can. "This everyone?"
"All 'cept Gabe who is keeping watch."
"He's not here." Steve says shakily, "Not here."
—
Steve pulls off the metal band and looks at Bucky who is sitting there looking confused and angry.
"We found out later it was a spy Schmidt had sent to try to kill me. He wasn't sure about my version of the serum, so he was willing to try whatever. I told the guys not to tell you right away, because you had enough problems to deal with, you were still on medical leave after Azzano. But then I guess we forgot. That was one of my first real assigned missions, and I screwed up. Didn't even know my whole group. Never made that mistake again."
"What was it?" Clint asks quietly.
"Ricin poisoning. From Castor Beans." Steve says matter of factually.
Bruce winces and exhales loudly. "Wow, we still don't even have a cure for that to this day. I know why you didn't die, but I can't believe you didn't die, especially with the amount you ate."
Bucky groans and puts his metal band on.
The room changes to a sunny day where the commandos are sitting at a large wooden table. A small blonde man is serving them plates of food and smiling and talking in Swedish with Gabe.
The man starts with Steve and then serves Dugan, cheerfully filling the rest of the plates as Dugan and Steve eye each other, wondering who will eat more this time.
Dugan has just put his spoon in his mouth and is chewing when Steve takes a bite. His eyes widen and he reaches across the table, grabbing Dugan's neck so hard the man gags.
"Spit it OUT." Steve snarls, spitting out his own mouthful. The others, who hadn't even lifted their forks yet, look on in alarm and Steve yells at them to put their forks down. He wipes at his mouth, spitting again for good measure and turns on the man.
"Hydra?" He asks, steel in his tone.
The man, instead of looking frightened, looks at Steve with a boastful grin.
"Wir wussten, dass es dich nicht töten konnte, aber deine Freunde? Das wäre eine erfüllte Mission gewesen."
Gabe stutters, understanding the man and Steve sees red. He strides over, ready to knock his lights out when the man crunches down on his fake tooth and hits the floor, foaming at the mouth.
"What did he say?" Monty asks. They all know a bit of German, but not enough for conversation.
He said, "We knew it could not kill you, but your friends? That would have been a mission accomplished."
All of them push their plates away from them and Dugan wipes down the front of his jacket.
"Thanks, Cap." He says quietly.
"Sorry for grabbing you so hard." Steve huffs, still staring at the body on the ground in front of him.
A hand shaped bruise is already forming around Dugan's neck but he just rubs at it. "Better than dead."
The memory fades and Bucky just sits there.
"I can't believe I didn't catch that."
"Catch what?"
"We knew it couldn't kill you." He mimics. "I always thought they just meant the serum, but its because they had already tried. You recognized the flavor?"
"Yeah." Steve grimaces. "Hard to forget something like that."
"I always wondered about your weird food habits after that."
"I figured you guessed why."
"I mean kinda, but not to that extent. I didn't know you'd hacked up half your body's amount of blood."
"Weird food habits?" Natasha broaches.
"He wouldn't let us eat anything that wasn't army regulation unless he tried it first. We tried to tell him he was overdramatic. But he begged, over and over, so eventually we gave in. I will say the Howling Commandos were the only military unit not to have a single case of food poisoning."
"Ugh." Steve gags. "Just the thought of all the rotten food I tasted makes me want to heave." He looks up and smiles at Bucky. "It was worth it though, it kept you guys from getting sick or poisoned. You were right Bucky. It isn't pointless."
The rest of the group nods, a new piece of the puzzle settles in place.
Tony, never one for silence, jumps up and points at Steve.
"I will begin working on your bike. However, there will be a new ingredient challenge next week, and I'm going to tell my chefs to make it extra difficult, no going easy on you this time." Steve scoffs but its good-natured as the group files out of the room and to the elevator.
"What will you bet next time?" Clint wonders.
"How about a new Cap suit? One that is less spangled and more stealth?"
Steve smiles, "You're on."
—
*A/N I know this one is a bit lighter than the other chapters. But I wanted to get the explanation in of Beck/Zemo's motives. Sorry if Bucky's a bit too expository, but I really wanted to explain why they did what they did! I didn't want it to just be plot hole that isn't addressed. So apologies if you feel its a bit heavy handed in the explanation. Also, i really like exploring aspects of Steve's abilities that no one talks about much, so here it is!