AN: I do not support JKR's views and statements, more at the bottom
Chapter 1: In Which Snape has a Big Nose and Trolls Question their Sexuality
It began in their first year. It was Halloween, and according to the now maybe-collapsed Professor Quirrell, there was a troll on the loose. Due to the rather mean comments from Ron earlier that day, which had become well-publicized, Hermione was hiding in the girl's toilet. Harry, with Ron tagging along, had split off from the rest of the Gryffindor first-years to try to warn Hermione, but they had no clue that they might encounter the troll themselves. So naturally they did.
Upon encountering the behemoth, Harry and Ron rushed to save Hermione from the troll-not-actually-in-the-dungeons. Well, after accidentally locking her in the bathroom of course. That is how the story goes. Harry and Ron burst in, and the scuffle ensued, the two boys doing their best to distract the walking wart-boulder from its task of terrorizing the resident bookworm. Harry woke up and chose violence, leaping onto the creature's back, shoving his wand up the troll's nose. This being rather uncomfortable, the troll roared, reached back, and snatched harry off his own back, now in a fit of rage.
"Ahhhh! He's molesting me! Rape, rape!" screamed Harry. The troll, temporarily forgetting its anger was now becoming more bewildered by the moment, held the child up by its foot. Yes he was holding the child, but rape was a bit dramatic of an accusation, wasn't it? "Ahh! I don't want to be touched there! This is my no-no square" yelled Harry as he squirmed in the troll's grip. At the look the troll was giving him, Harry went off again. "Yes, you great oaf, even my leg! Let go of meeeeeeeee! Do something," he wailed. The troll had reached terminal-confusion due to the noise the small being was making and decided to fix it as he fixed all his problems. By hitting things.
"Whaat?" Ron asked in response to Harry's plea, appearing a bit confused as well. Hermione squeezed her eyes shut.
"How in the name of Merlin should I know?" Harry cried as the troll recovered from a second missed swing. Ron pulled out his wand. Hermione's eyes were still very closed.
The troll narrowed its own eyes at the noisy creature she was holding. "Herggmm," she grunted (she was a gender-fluid troll, don't judge, that's rude). Harry, thinking this signaled another attempted murder, flailed around again. Then the troll swung, and the Boy-Who-Probably-Wouldn't-Live-Much-Longer sighed in exhaustion, unable to dodge. The club connected, but then it didn't. Thrown off by the unexpected lack of resistance, the troll stumbled into a wall, dropping her club and Harry. As expected, Ron floated the club up and dropped it on the troll's head.
"K.O!" proclaimed Harry in his best announcer's voice, rubbing his own head.
Just then, Professor McGonagall flung open the bathroom door. "What in Merlin's name is happening?" she cried, looking as though she had nearly suffered a heart attack. Or gone overboard on the catnip.
Hermione, who had decided to start seeing again, launched into her tale to keep the two boys out of trouble. Harry wasn't listening very closely, as he had begun polishing his wand. Snape peered around the room in disgust. Harry wondered if he really was that bitter of a man to always be scowling, or if it was just Snape's nose that made it difficult for him to see.
As Professor McGonagall began admonishing the first years, Professor Quirrel slipped into the room. He saw the troll, appeared to have his own heart attack, and slid down the wall to the floor, breathing hard. Harry wrinkled his nose at the Professor, who had brought the distinct smell of garlic with him. Mr. Dursely always wanted meals with the most obscene, revolting amount of garlic, and Harry had come to truly hate the plant. He supposed that at least he was sure that his Uncle wasn't a vampire, although the man's sanity was still in question.
Tuning back into the present, Harry caught the end of Professor McGonagall's tirade. "...three go to your common rooms. You will conclude the feast with your house." She nodded to the first years, dismissing them.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked quietly for a long moment, allowing a corridor to separate them from the Professors and the troll. Finally, as though he couldn't hold it in any longer, Ron broke the silence.
"Only ten points for taking out a troll! And she docked Hermione five, that leaves us with only five! For a bloody troll!" complained Ron, sounding both slightly indignant and hungry.
"That's still a profit of five points though," pointed out Harry.
"Congratulations Ronald," said Hermione at the same time, "you can count." She winced, looking worried and apologetic. As the reader can probably guess, she was feeling uncertain in her standing with the two boys, who she hoped to befriend.
Ron opened his mouth, likely to retort, then hesitated. "Yeah, I probably deserved that a bit. And I suppose you're right, mate, but stills feels off. Hey, how'd that last hit from the troll not get you? She really was packing a punch it seemed."
Harry shrugged. "I don't know Ron, it seemed to just go straight through me. Kinda weird, eh?"
"Oh Harry, I'm that's possible, it's not like we still have accidental magic, we have wands now. But that's not important. Thank you, thank you both for helping me." Hermione smiled timidly at the two boys.
"I'm just glad we're all ok," remarked the boy-with-hyphenations. As they passed by, a knight in a painting began loudly proclaiming how he, "the great Sir Cadogan," would rescue any damsel in distress. Hermione rolled her eyes at the artful antics.
The trio continued to climb the stairs, allowing a thoughtful silence to envelope the three. Already, the bonds of friendship were forming, although whether or not it would be golden remained to be seen. Again, Ron was the first to speak.
"I don't think Hermione would make a good catgirl. Or furry."
Hermione blushed, but looked indignant. "Ron, what on earth… I mean, what in Merlin's name was that supposed mean?"
Ron shrugged. Harry looked sideways at the other two. "But hey, you never know," he said as he watched them walk up the wall (floor).
The girl in question sighed. "Oh, Harry…"
AN: So this is my first story. I have ideas for continuing it on in more chapters, but I'm unsure when I'll do so. So, any feedback, or favs & follows would probably help remind me that I should add to this. I'm not going to be an author constantly begging for those things, don't fav this unless it deserves it (though I hope it does :D). Just, fair warning that I may lose interest/forget about this story, and feedback might help me keep at it.
Ok, but what's the deal with JKR? She always seemed pretty cool with everyone, even if it was a bit weird how she was sort of editing her story post-publication. But now it's pretty messed up. I confess that I didn't hear/read about the whole situation until probably months after, and I didn't read most of the tweets, but I got the idea. My condolences to anyone who is Trans-gender thought JKR supported you and felt completely blind-sided by the whole debacle. Anyway, I find myself still obsessed with HP and to the readers Ron says "She needs to get her priorities in order," and I agree, also asking that I please don't get sued :)