A/N: I originally had the one shot as the first chapter on here but decided to move it back to its original format as a one shot, re-titled "Written On Our Hearts." I will still continue the story here on this one. The only difference is that the second chapter has now become the first chapter, and so on and so forth. Thank you for your understanding and patience, and as always, thank you for reading.
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer, the creator of Twilight.
"Jacob," she murmured. "I will always love you. You'll always be my Jacob and I will always be your Bells. Always." She knew it was a lie, even as it left her lips and went straight into his ear. She could never be his Bells and he could never be her Jacob. Never.
But tonight, just for tonight, they could pretend.
Since that night, it had been harder to return to normal everyday existing-life was the last word to use to describe it-than it had ever been before. Jacob and Bella avoided each other at all costs and if they were ever forced into the same room, they never met each other's eyes. It was too painful, too costly, to glance up and see all the unspoken words, the unspoken pleadings, there that they could never respond to.
Edward had noticed, Bella was sure. She could see it in the rigidity of his posture every time Jacob was in the vicinity, the way his eyes tightened on the rare occasion Jacob spoke to them both, never once addressing Bella specifically. Yet, as always, Edward never said a word. Instead, he smiled crookedly at Bella, encasing her hand with his own, and gazed upon her lovingly as he kissed her knuckles. Out of the corner of her eye, Bella never missed Jake averting his eyes and looking away.
Renesmee, always a light and happy presence within the Cullen household, never seemed to be aware of the tension in the room. She smiled and laughed and continued to hold onto her Jacob. Bella had to swallow the lump that formed in her throat away each time she had the thought. Her Jacob. It hadn't been that long ago that Jacob had once been hers. When she hadn't had to share him. When she hadn't had to watch him run back to the one he loved more than her. Back when Bella hadn't chosen wrong and in doing so, screwed up their lives and ended her own.
She knew she should feel guilty for harboring so much jealousy towards her daughter, the one person she should love more than herself. But, when it came to Jacob, Bella had never been that selfless. She loved Renesmee, truly she did. But, Renesmee had something that did not belong to her. Bella knew that now. And while she knew the girl wasn't to blame, it didn't make her see any less red when watching Renesmee hanging off of Jacob, inducing smiles out of him that Bella hadn't seen since her transformation. At least, never directed at her.
She knew she should feel guilty for betraying her husband. A husband who loved her so much he was willing to look the other way to allow her to indulge her yearly passionate trysts with his former enemy and rival. Who loved her so much that he forgave her every time, not just for hurting him, but also for the treachery she displayed towards their daughter. She had always known she wasn't worthy of Edward's devotion.
But, instead, as she watched Renesmee smile up at Jacob in a way that had him immediately grinning and kissing her nose affectionately, Bella seethed with rage. They had been watching some movie on TV, some boring contemporary teen flick that was a waste of film and money, and cuddling up on the couch. The other Cullens had spread out around the house, taking to their nightly activities that kept them busy until daylight. Seth and Leah had gone home long ago. Edward was playing the piano in the other room, playing the lullaby he had written for her. She knew he was calling to her, beckoning her to come and sit beside him as she so often did when he played her song. Bella, however, ignored his pleas through the music. She could not tear herself away from the sight before her, for anything. She watched them from her seat in the back, her glancing up from her book that she was supposed to be absorbed in for the 7,456th time she read it.
Renesmee giggled and entwined her fingers in the hair on the back of Jacob's neck. He chuckled and shook his head at her. Only then did Bella realize Renesmee's other hand was laid against his right cheek. She was showing him something, something that had them both laughing yet even more affectionate than normal. Bella could only imagine what that something was.
Eventually, their laughter died down and only warm smiles were exchanged. And then a blush rose in Renesmee's cheeks but she never broke their gaze. Jake's cheeks darkened as well and he lowered his eyes to his lap, slowly removing her hand and laying it on her thigh. "Renesmee," he whispered in admonishment, not glancing up at her.
At that precise moment, the piano stopped. Bella heard a hiss as did the other two and within a second, Edward was in the room, quietly snarling.
If Edward was reacting this way, if it made Jake blush, it could mean only one thing. Her suspicions had been right. And that burned more than the three days she had suffered as the venom had raced through her veins, changing her; more than when she had woken up, thirsty; more than the hole inside her chest had hurt when Edward had left. She couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't react. She never thought it would hurt this much. She never thought that she, Bella Cullen, an immortal, could still feel pain of this magnitude. But she did.
Renesmee turned pleading eyes on her mother but Bella remained still, silent, staring back at her. Jacob sighed and stood up, turning to glare at Edward. Renesmee jumped up and clung to his right arm worriedly.
"Relax, Cullen. It's not what you think," Jake started.
Edward growled. "You've defiled her!" He cried out.
Renesmee's cheeks flushed and she turned her head into Jake's shoulder. He grabbed her hand and intertwined their fingers, urging her to look at him, the need of his imprint outweighing the need to continue the confrontation with Edward.
"Shhh, Nessie. It's okay," he whispered, cupping her cheek with his other hand. Edward let rip another warning growl and Jacob ignored it. "Honey, look at me."
She lifted her eyes hesitantly to him. He smiled reassuringly and stroked the skin underneath his fingers comfortingly. "Don't worry, okay?"
She nodded slowly and then moved to burrow into his chest, hugging him tightly. Jacob wrapped his arms around her and cradled her protectively in his embrace.
Bella glanced back at Edward. She was surprised to see that he had not uttered another word of protest. And then she saw why. His eyes were narrowed in concentration and she realized he was reading their thoughts. She turned to see Jake glaring directly at Edward once again. Yet another silent conversation they seemed to be having.
Whatever Jacob was saying, it was working. Edward seemed to relax some, but not completely, and his eyes started to go back to their undilated state.
After watching this quiet back and forth and Jacob rub Renesmee's back soothingly for a few minutes, they all heard Renesmee whisper, "I love you, my Jacob," forgetting where she was, under the spell of Jacob's calming touches no doubt.
Jake's eyes dropped to the top of her bronze head and he tightened his arms around her before placing a small kiss there and laying his cheek against her hair. "I love you, too, Nessie."
And just like a coil wound tight, ready to spring, Bella snapped.
She was on her feet, letting the heavy leather book fall with a bang. Jacob and Renesmee both jumped and turned their eyes towards her. Edward's eyes snapped in her direction and she could see the pain mixed with loving and understanding back in them.
She flitted towards him, retracting her shield as she did. Edward, I'm going to hunt. Alone. I don't want anyone following after me. I want some time for myself.
He nodded and before he could say anything, or kiss her like he always did when he took leave of her, Bella let her shield back up and left the house in a whisper of a breeze, never once looking back.
.
.
.
.
Bella didn't hunt. Instead, she traveled to Charlie's. She snuck up to the window of her old room, broke the lock noiselessly, and let herself in. Charlie wasn't home. He must have been at Sue's.
She walked around the room silently, taking everything in. Charlie had left her room the exact same as the day she had left and been dragged away by Alice to be tortured and forced into a wedding dress.
Bella had only been up here two or three times since then, once to show Renesmee where her mother had lived after excitedly learning this information from Grandpa Charlie on one of their visits.
That had been a few years ago. Bella would never forget the little glint in Renesmee's chocolate eyes when Edward chuckled and reminisced about climbing into Bella's room at night. Edward hadn't missed it, either. She caught him nailing their daughter's window shut at the cottage later that evening. As if that would keep a werewolf out. But, he had made a good argument, saying they would hear if anyone broke the glass or tried to pry the window free.
Bella walked to her desk and ran her fingers along a book laying on it. This had been the scrapbook her mother had gotten her for her eighteenth birthday.
She slowly opened it, finding a picture of Edward on the first page. Of course. Back then, that was all her life had been about. She had been in such a rush to become like him, to be forever his, she never stopped to think about what life would be like once she was the immortal Mrs. Cullen. Not once did she ever think she could fall out of love with Edward, that she would quickly become bored with what eternity as a vampire had to offer and that she would regret not giving life a fair chance before it had even begun. And not once did she ever think one of her biggest regrets would be Jacob. Had she known how she would feel; how she would realize five years too late that Jacob had been right all along, that he was the right one for her, would she have chosen differently? Would she have, knowing she would soon give birth to Jacob's imprint, her daughter, and lose him forever?
She stared down at Edward. She had loved him so much, still did to some degree, but it was nowhere near what she had felt when she was still human. She thought it had gotten stronger when she changed, when she couldn't get enough of him, but she was wrong. After the year passed of her being a newborn, she found her overwhelming desire dimming year by year. She no longer felt hot where he touched her, she no longer felt the need she had once felt. And when their physical relations started to wane, the rest of their relationship didn't fare much better.
She never laughed with Edward. Sure, she made him laugh on more than one occasion, but never did he make her laugh. Edward loved his music and doted on her and Renesmee unfailingly. But, something was missing. She knew he still loved her. Why else would he allow her her Valentine's night with Jacob these past five years? But, nothing was the same as it had been before. She just didn't feel...right with him. She didn't feel alive.
Technically, she wasn't alive. But, when she heard Jacob laugh, when he teased her like always, when he would race her and Renesmee when they were hunting, Bella felt alive. She felt alive when he touched her, when he smiled, when he said her name with a sort of reverence that Edward would never know. She may have been Edward's Bella, but she would never be his Bells.
She turned the page slowly and her eyes rested on the next picture. It was one Emily had snapped inconspicuously. It had been during spring break, back after Jacob had started phasing, the Tuesday night Sam and Emily had popped over at the Blacks' with cake in hand.
Bella and Jacob were sitting on the couch, grinning at one another. Jacob was laughing at something she had said and she was smiling at him. Her smile was genuine and full of adoration. Granted, she looked like death warmed over, worse than she did now actually, but it was evident. The smile in the photo lit up her face, it was real, and her eyes were fixated on him. Emily, Sam, Billy, and even Kodak could see what Bella had not known, had refused to let herself know.
She sighed quietly and ran her fingertip longingly over her smile in the photo, almost as if she could by touching it, transport it to her features, along with the pink tint in her cheeks and the brown in her eyes.
She smelled him before she heard him. And then she heard him before she felt his presence in the room with her. She could hear his breathing behind her, feel his warm breath coating the strands of hair at the back of her head.
"Bells," he whispered, his voice sounding rougher than normal.
She didn't respond, didn't move, just kept staring at the picture, kept tracing her old smile.
Slowly and carefully, his arms wound around her and held her tightly back against his burning chest. She didn't want to see him right now, she didn't want to have this conversation, but she relaxed into his embrace, not wanting to move from where she now was. If this was the last time he would hold her like this, she would savor every moment and commit it to memory.
She felt his forehead pressed against her shoulder and heard him take a deep breath. "I don't know what to do," he pleaded brokenly.
She didn't say anything, not really knowing what to say. Truthfully, nothing could be said. She had made her decision long ago, the decision for both of them, and now she had to live with the consequences. She closed her eyes painfully at the thought.
"I thought I could do this, be with you...on our night, but...I'm not strong enough. I don't want to keep hurting you."
She smiled faintly, remembering she had spoken similar words to him once upon a time. Hadn't she also told him that the pull she felt to Edward was too strong, much like the imprint he couldn't fight anymore, and he was saying goodbye to her now just as she had to him back then? That he was choosing his Edward, the pull being too strong to resist?
"Shhh," he whispered soothingly in her ear. She hadn't realized she had started trembling. A trembling vampire. If she wasn't so close to breaking, she might have snorted in derision at herself.
"You know what I want to say. You know I'd give anything to be able to say it to you, just once. You know that."
"I do know," she admitted, wincing at the breaks in her affirmation.
He squeezed her tightly and placed a kiss to her neck. They stayed like that for a minute, him just holding her, when he spoke again. "I remember that night."
Her eyes opened to find his fingers had replaced her own, brushing across the both of them in the picture in a similar longing motion.
She waited for him to say something else but he didn't. Instead, his fingers stopped their exploring right around her smile, tracing it as she had been earlier.
"I would've imprinted on you, you know. If we had just had a little more time...if you had let me in..."
She turned in his arms and stared at him. "You would have never imprinted on me. You were never supposed to. Renesmee's your soul mate." She dropped her eyes. "Not me."
He cupped her chin gently and forced her to look up at him. "You're wrong," he whispered.
When he didn't elaborate further, Bella laid her head against his chest, closing her eyes and sighing. "I love you, Jacob Black. And I want you to be happy. Even if that means it's not with me," she admitted sadly.
She felt him push her back and take her face in his hands. She opened her eyes to see him staring at her intently. "I will never be happy unless I'm with you."
Bella gave him a rueful smile and weaved her fingers through his on her right cheek. "She can give you children, a family. Her heart still beats, she's very much alive. She makes you happy, I see it. You deserve that kind of happiness, Jacob. That's what I want for you. To live out your life the way you were meant to. As much as it kills me to let you go, it's the right thing to do. For you. For her. I love you both too much to continue being selfish with you."
She saw anger start to burn in his dark eyes and he glared down at her. "If I was going to live out my life the way I was meant to, you'd still be alive and we would have our own family by now," he spit out harshly. "I wouldn't be stuck in a house full of bloodsuckers, never getting the leech stink out of my nose, acting like your goddamn watch dog. I wouldn't be forced to marry your daughter instead of you, the one I really want. Like I got the next best thing because you're not available. Because you threw us away so you could run off into the sunset with your leech. I wouldn't be forced to do anything!"
He leaned in until he was inches from her face, smirking wickedly at her but without any real enjoyment. "And it's not all it was cracked up to be, is it, Bella? Or else you wouldn't be sleeping with me every chance you get."
She narrowed her eyes dangerously, beyond furious. She understood his anger, welcomed it even, knowing she deserved it, but he almost made it sound like she was using him, to escape from the hell she had created for herself. And that wasn't the case. Not one bit.
"Listen, you stupid mutt, the only reason I meet with you at all is because I love you. Because I realize how badly I messed up both of our lives, okay? Because it kills me inside seeing you with her, knowing that could have been me." She hadn't meant to divulge that much but her anger had loosened her tongue.
"Not could. Should." Jacob was unforgiving and more importantly, unrelenting. "Now you know what I go through every time I had to watch you with him, knowing it was really me you should have been with. Every time I still do even though you're his."
"But the truth is," He leaned in until his lips were hovering above hers, still staring angrily into her eyes. "I'm still yours. No matter what the damn imprint says. And you are still mine."
He kissed her then, thrusting his hot tongue demandingly into her mouth, roughly parting her lips, plundering the wet cavern he found there. She moaned and he pulled her tighter to him.
He lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. She threaded her fingers into his hair and tugged gently, making him grunt into her mouth. He walked her over to the bed.
He broke the kiss, him struggling for air, her gasping for dramatic effect, and he stared into her eyes. "Say it, Bells."
She stared back at him and didn't say a word.
"Say it," he growled.
"Yours." She kissed him again. "Always yours," she mumbled into his mouth. "My Jacob."
"Your Jacob," he repeated, smiling against her lips, before gently lowering them to the bed.
.
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.
.
Bella rubbed Jacob's back softly with her hand. He was curled into her side, his arm around her bare midsection, holding her tightly to him. His breathing was even and deep, his eyes closed, his head next to hers. She smiled over at him and kissed his forehead affectionately.
"You know, at some point, we should probably get dressed and head back before Charlie gets home."
His arm pulled her against him tighter. "Noooo," he mumbled sleepily. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm way too comfortable."
She chuckled and kissed his forehead again.
He opened his eyes and blinked tiredly before staring at her through half-closed lids. "Stay here with me tonight," he whispered.
She watched him for a minute, wondering if she was making the right decision. "What if Charlie comes home?"
"So, what if he does? It's not like he's expecting anyone to be in here, Bells."
Bella bit her lip, turning her eyes up towards the ceiling. "True."
A minute later, she heard him sigh and then felt him lay on his back, removing his arm. "If you don't want to stay, Bella, we don't have to. I just thought...," he trailed off, never finishing his sentence.
She turned on her side to face him and cuddled up into his side as best she could. She grabbed his left hand and interlaced their fingers. "I do want to stay. With you. It's just...tomorrow will be more of the same. How much longer can we keep doing this?"
Jake didn't turn to face her, just kept his eyes fixated on the ceiling. "As long as it takes."
Bella's eyes narrowed in confusion. "As long as it takes? What does that mean?"
She saw him bite his lip and he appeared to be in deep thought. "I think I'm getting better at fighting it. It wasn't as hard this time...with you. I don't feel the need to run right back. I've been resisting her and even though I pay for it, it's not as bad as I thought it would be."
"Resisting her? What are you talking about?"
He started to chew his lip more and she could tell he was nervous with what he was going to say next. "She wants us to take things to the next level. That's what she was showing me tonight, what he heard. He thought what she showed me was real."
Bella's confusion doubled. "But I thought...she's been grown up now for...but you two have been dating for so long."
Only then did he turn to look at her. "I know we have been, Bells, but...I couldn't. I had a hard time seeing her that way for the longest time. It's one thing to hold her hand and take her out on dates...it's another to be with her the way I've been with you." Bella did her best not to grimace at the statement. She had to be the worst mother in the world. Jake lifted their joined hands to stroke her cheek with the backs of his fingers, sensing her distress. "I didn't want it, Bells. I never thought of anyone that way except for you. And I wasn't ready to move past that yet. And then you...that first night...things happened. And ever since then..."
Bella laid her head on his shoulder, looking up at him, showing him she was still listening. He kissed her gently. Then he sighed and turned back to the ceiling, running his free hand through his hair. "She's been wanting to move forward for a while. But, I haven't allowed her to. I've done everything I can to fight her on it, coming up with every excuse I can think of, and it's...it's hard, I'm not gonna lie, especially because it's what she needs me to be for her, what she wants me to be. But...I've done it. Time and time again. And every time it gets a little bit easier."
"What do you mean easier?"
He turned once more to look at her, staring deeply into her eyes, trying to gauge her reaction. "I'm breaking the imprint, Bells."
Bella was lucky her heart was already still inside her chest. It definitely would have stopped just then had it still been beating.
First written/posted: 2/24/11
Re-edited/re-posted: 12/7/19