(AN:) Modern day timeframe. Magic doesn't affect electronics negatively unless specifically made to do so. Major events canon up to sixth year. Takes some story cues from Hogwarts Mystery.
Harry's not a Horcrux.
Idiot!Ron, LovePotion!Ginny/Molly Weasley bashing.
Harry/Multi
Today had been a decidedly strange day so far for the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-Chosen, or whatever stupid hyphenated name the idiots at the Daily Prophet came up with to call him. The day before had started it all.
His female best friend had attacked his male best friend with a bunch of birds, due to said male best friend abandoning them again, this time for a blonde bimbo with huge tits. Admittedly, to a teenage male with hormones flaring, it was a somewhat decent reason, but it was still hurtful to be abandoned again.
Ron probably wouldn't have abandoned him if Harry hadn't laughed at the birds deciding to pepper the redhead with their droppings after pecking at him. Maybe. The redhead always did let his temper rule his decisions. He might have even blamed Harry for letting Hermione attack him with the birds in the first place.
As much as he liked having a Quidditch team that worked, he probably shouldn't have pretended to spike his Keeper's pumpkin juice with Felix Felicis. Oh well, it happened and now he had to live with his decision.
Breakfast this morning was also incredibly strange. He'd spaced out, trying to work out why he was obsessing over an unassuming wall in Hogwarts. He should've been done with those sorts of dreams since ol' Tommy boy decided to use Occlumency against him. Then again, almost all of his recent dreams have been much more pleasant than Riddle's visions, featuring two feminine figures and himself in intimate embraces. Curiously, every time he tried to focus on either or both, he'd get a less clear picture.
All he could remember was they both had light, wild hair (maybe platinum blonde? If not that then pure white), one wore hers short and the other long; one had piercing blue eyes and the other strangely had black sclera and red eyes. Those red eyes held a lot of warmth and innocence, so he wasn't reminded too terribly of Voldemort. Occasionally, the dream would go back to the wall, then back to the women, ad nauseum.
The whole time he had been puzzling through this dream, Harry had apparently been staring down some Gryffindor girl he barely recognized, who looked increasingly guilty and paranoid. He found out later that his thoughtful look rivalled one of McGonagall's most stern disapproving expressions. He was torn out of his dream analysis by the girl confessing that she'd tell Harry everything she knew. Before he even realized what was happening, Harry followed her out of the Great Hall.
She proceeded to confess to him all sorts of wrongdoings without preamble. He was staring at her with amusement, not caring at all about her supposed crimes. Professor Dumbledore definitely should've made him a prefect if he could do this by accident. Imagine what he could do on purpose.
It wasn't until she said something she thought was rather innocuous that he started to pay attention again. It was at that point that he recognized her as one of Ginny's roommates. Without realizing it, she had inadvertently let slip a little detail that caused the crush he didn't even know he'd started developing on the redhead to die a most painful death.
Why would Ginny need to borrow money to order a love potion for Dean Thomas, the boy she was already dating? It was a bit of a leap in logic and paranoia, but he knew she'd been nursing a crush on him for years, so who else would she dose with a love potion? He vaguely recalled the conversation that Mrs. Weasley had with Hermione and Ginny about her dosing Mr. Weasley with a love potion during their time at Hogwarts.
He vowed to have a talk with Fred and George about their stock of love potions at some point. Those things were bloody dangerous!
A muttered promise not to reveal her transgressions to Professor McGonagall and a rapid exit Harry far away from the Great Hall in the third floor trophy room. A check of the Marauder's Map had told him that the only person on this floor was Professor Flitwick and he seemed content to stay in his office for the time being. Speaking of, he'd have to ask him for help on charms to reveal tampered food and drink. If he couldn't help then maybe he could write to Mad-Eye Moody. Surely the famously paranoid man knew some obscure detection spells?
When he finally looked up from the map, he realized his aimless wandering had carried him to the castle armory. After wiping the map and putting it away, he eyed the suits of armor carefully as he walked through. Would that wall really be here of all places? Why was he even looking for it?
Last time he'd followed something from his dreams, Sirius had…He shook his head to try and clear his thoughts. The grief was still strong. At least he was by himself doing this, that way he wouldn't get anyone else killed.
An odd shine drew his eye to one particular suit of armor. Every suit of armor throughout the armory had a sword, a shield, or both. Each one was decorated extravagantly. All except the one he'd stopped to examine. It held a shield; however instead of a sword, it held an ostentatious sceptre.
This suit of armor had a slight green tinge to it, as well as its armaments. The sceptre it held had a great shining emerald on the head. The body was silver and had a scale-like pattern, ending with what looked like a snake's tail. The shield was decorated with a stylized version of the Slytherin house crest, the snake in a clear S shape.
"Must've been Slytherin's armor," Harry mumbled to himself.
"Very astute observation, young lad. You are clearly a scholar," a somewhat sarcastic voice behind him said, causing him to jump, draw his wand, turn around, and point it with a spell on his lips. The portrait of an old bearded man in an ancient robe snorted at what he perceived to be a skittish teenager, "And so high-strung as well. I must say however, I do hope you are a competent conversationalist. Ever since the headmaster had my portrait moved from the Great Hall away from my dear friend Sir Cadogan, I've rarely had visitors."
"Er, why would Professor Dumbledore move your portrait, sir?" asked Harry, trying to puzzle out exactly who this was. The portrait was actually unlabelled, which was a rarity in Hogwarts. Rather, it had a label, but it was hard to concentrate on what the label actually said long enough to read it. Strangely, he felt like he should know who this was, but the old man was somewhat blurry since he was a little far away from the portrait's focal point. Maybe he'd seen the man on a Chocolate Frog card before? And he said that he was friends with Sir Cadogan, that barmy knight on the way to the Divination classroom.
The man in the portrait regarded him imperiously while leaning against the English Oak tree just visible inside the right side of the frame. He spoke slowly, as if choosing his words carefully, "I believe it was due to some incidents that occurred some years ago. It's quite difficult to tell the passage of time as a portrait, but it was perhaps eight, maybe nine years ago that I guided a young lad much like yourself to what he and others called 'Cursed Vaults.'"
"Let me guess, it was excessively dangerous for a student and it all could've been avoided if the teachers had given a toss?" Harry practically snarled.
"It sounds like you have a great deal of experience with such situations. Would you be willing to indulge a lonely old man with a few stories?"
"Protecting a magical artifact from a dark wizard possessing the Defense teacher first year, slaying a thousand year old basilisk second year, driving off a hundred Dementors third year, the bloody Triwizard Tournament fourth year, and…I'd rather not talk about last year," he finished with a haunted look in his eyes.
The man blinked slowly at the rather abbreviated stories, speaking once he'd regarded Harry for a few short moments, "A bit more terse than I expected, but good lord, lad. That's far worse than what the other lad and his helpers put up with. The worst they were hit with was cursed ice, I think. How extraordinary."
He lingered for a moment as he regarded Harry, seeming to be coming to a decision. Finally, he shrugged and reached behind the English Oak to grab a staff made of the same type of wood. He stepped forward purposefully into greater focus. Harry withheld a gasp of surprise at the fact that he'd apparently been talking to a portrait of Merlin this whole time.
He didn't even know that the greatest wizard who'd ever lived even had a portrait. Why would Professor Dumbledore have moved such an influential wizard away from the Great Hall where every student could see? Those "Cursed Vaults" must've been heinous if such an extreme response had occurred.
"Would you mind terribly telling me why you had to kill Manasa? She was meant to be the last line of defense against invaders of Hogwarts," Merlin asked.
Harry hesitated, carefully choosing his words, "You mean Salazar Slytherin's basilisk, right?" At the portrait's nod, he continued, "She was being controlled by a dark wizard who claims to be the Heir of Slytherin. She'd been used to murder a student around fifty years ago. Four years ago, she was released again with the intention to murder more students. It didn't help that she sounded insane, as well."
With each word, Merlin seemed to grow more and more morose at the idea of his mentor's favorite pet being used for such a heinous purpose. His eyebrows flew up into his hairline at the mention of Manasa apparently sounding insane.
"You are a Parselmouth yourself, lad?"
He bristled slightly at Harry's wince of giving up that tidbit of information, "No, no, none of that. Contrary to modern belief, Parseltongue is not inherently evil. In fact, if you get into the habit of using it when casting your spells, you may find that a large majority of them will become more effective or even easier to cast. Why, Salazar found that even his potions were more efficient and potent when he spoke Parseltongue regularly while brewing."
That was a bit of a surprise for Harry, but…"Then why doesn't Voldemort cast his spells in Parseltongue?"
"That's the dark wizard you mentioned before? I honestly couldn't tell you. Perhaps he found that his most powerful spells didn't benefit from Parseltongue or perhaps his wand wasn't particularly suited for it. He might not have even tried it."
Merlin ran his fingers through his beard slowly in thought, "Shame I couldn't personally experiment with Parseltongue. Salazar researched hard for a way to give me the ability, but all his research came to the same conclusion: either you're born with it or magic decides you deserve it from right of conquest wherein both parties are actively engaged in mortal combat. I'd have defeated Salazar for the ability if I hadn't needed to kill him. Genius though he was, he preferred potions to wand work."
"Wait. So, it can't be given to you or transferred? Even by accident? It has to be taken?" Harry asked, surprised. He remembered Professor Dumbledore telling him that his ability to speak Parseltongue was because Voldemort had transferred part of his power to him. He rubbed his scar absentmindedly, the words of that damnable prophecy echoing in his thoughts.
"…and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal…"
The odd mannerism intrigued the portrait, "To the best of my knowledge, yes. I take it you thought otherwise?"
"Dumbledore said that —"
"Bah! That parody of me? I guarantee he just guessed and passed it off as confidence," Merlin waved off Harry's explanation. "You were born with it. End of story. Unless…?" He looked over expectantly.
Harry gulped, "Well, I found out I had it just before my eleventh birthday when I set a snake free from the zoo on accident." He paused at Merlin's satisfied nod, before plowing on, "But Voldemort tried to kill me when I was fifteen months old and his Killing Curse reflected back into himself because my mother sacrificed herself for me."
The portrait just stared down at him with disbelief plain on his face. He shook his head slowly, "Well, if that's true, it's possible either way. Born with it or conquest. I'm certain you were born with it, as mortal combat would be difficult as a babe. However, we've lingered on this subject long enough. How would you like to find the last hidden vault of Hogwarts? There might be something in there to help you with your dark wizard problem."
"Didn't you say they were cursed? Dangerous?" the young Gryffindor asked incredulously. Only to grow more so when Merlin waved off his questions.
"The four that were opened years ago were opened without permission. Therefore, the curses activated. You, however, allegedly have Salazar's vaunted ability to speak with snakes. That means that Salazar's vault will open willingly for you," Merlin explained.
"Like the Chamber of Secrets?" asked Harry. Suddenly, he was struck by inspiration, "Is the vault down there?"
"The what?" Merlin asked, before shaking his head slowly. He smiled broadly down at the Gryffindor, "You were close before we started speaking."
Harry turned to stare at the green tinged suit of armor. He eyed the windows on either side looking out onto the grounds then turned back with a skeptical look.
"Are you not a wizard, lad? Are you not in a school of wizards and witches? Founded by four of the brightest wizards and witches of the age? Just use Salazar's gift to tell the armor to lead you to the vault."
He turned back around to regard the armor once more. Briefly, the young Gryffindor debated whether or not to do what Merlin suggested. He leaned over with a shrug and concentrated on the snake on the shield.
§Lead me to Salazar Slytherin's hidden vault,§ hissed Harry. He stepped back when the walls above the windows melted down over them. When the windows were completely covered, the now-solid wall rippled like a disturbed surface of water. The suit of armor came to life and stepped aside at the same time as an elaborate doorway formed in the wall. He goggled at the long hallway that shouldn't nor couldn't exist in that area, hanging green lights illuminating it.
He looked back nervously at the portrait of Merlin, only to find that he had fallen asleep or at least he appeared to be. Cautiously, he drew his wand and stalked down the hallway, staring around at the intricately carved snakes in the walls. Each one had small emeralds for eyes, and no matter how he looked at them, it felt like they were following him, judging him.
Thankfully, it seemed like he passed because not even a second later after he felt himself being judged, the hallway constricted and brought the vault door closer.
The vault door was an exact replica of the one leading into the Chamber of Secrets, so it was a surprise when each of the snake heads on the door simultaneously turned to regard him. Somehow they looked like they expected something.
§I request access to Salazar Slytherin's hidden vault,§ he said hesitantly, hoping it was acceptable phrasing. The eyes of the snakes seemed to glow momentarily as they stared down at him. Sounds of ancient mechanisms clicked and whirred behind the door while the snakes coiled in on themselves. The door opened slowly, ominously, before lanterns hanging from the ceiling lit a cavernous interior, filled with strange items.
Cautiously, Harry entered the vault, holding his wand out at the ready. He glanced around slowly, trying to take everything in. The room was somewhat octagonal and spacious. A small stack of what appeared to be silver ingots covered one wall; there were small shrines of magical artifacts atop cushions along the other walls; but, one item caught his eye in particular. Something that shouldn't even be anywhere near Hogwarts, let alone in a magical vault. Was that a —
§Lower your wand, hatchling of mine. I heard your Parseltongue through the door and none of my blood nor those who ally with one of my blood will come to harm in my vault,§ hissed a portrait of a powerful looking man bearing a strong resemblance to the statue in the Chamber of Secrets. It was clear to Harry that this was a portrait of Salazar Slytherin.
§Of your blood? Am I really?§ he hissed back, surprised. Below the painting was another shrine much like the rest in the vault, this one had a long, beautiful box across the top of the cushion and a smaller box that looked like a box fit for a ring underneath it. He slowly pocketed his wand.
Slytherin scoffed at Harry's question, §Of course, you are. You speak the noble tongue of serpents.§ He paused when he noticed that the Gryffindor's attention had shifted before smiling smugly down at him, §If you are skeptical, lift the boxes you see below me. You will either be able to lift one, both, or neither. I will tell you what it means after.§
"Salazar, he's wearing my colors! Are you leading one of mine astray?" a neighboring portrait spoke up in a boisterous, booming voice. Harry looked over to see a lion of a man with long red hair and a long red beard holding what was clearly the Sword of Gryffindor. However, below what could only be Godric Gryffindor, the cushion was empty, a long indent the only indicator that something was once held there. He was broken out of his reverie by a hearty guffaw, "I see that you've noticed that my sword is missing, my boy. Would you happen to know where it is? I saw it disappear right before my eyes a scant few years ago."
"Er…Yes, I pulled it out of the Sorting Hat when…" Harry stopped, looking back at the portrait of Slytherin who was eyeing him with keen interest. "…When there was a threat to the safety of the school."
Slytherin flinched at that, noticing some sort of implication, but Gryffindor was ecstatic, "Good on you, my boy! A true Gryffindor in heart and spirit! How many were there? Did you fight them all one by one with honor or were they craven cowards whom you bested as they attacked all at once?"
Slytherin rolled his eyes at the other portrait's exuberance, speaking out of Parseltongue in a reedy, yet smooth voice this time, "From the look on his face, Godric, it was none of that. Please don't tell me that poor Manasa failed in her duty to protect the school."
Harry winced and spoke quickly to get it over with that much faster, "More like she was the threat. Someone claiming to be your descendant tried to use her to kill students." He paused at the sound of pure outrage coming from the portrait, a little surprised, but continued once more, "He succeeded at it once fifty years ago, then four years ago, he tried again, but I stopped him this time. I had to kill, er, Manasa though. She sounded completely insane."
§Of course, she must've sounded out of her mind. From what you've implied, she was fighting my orders to protect the school,§ the portrait hissed angrily. He sighed sadly, §I do not blame you, hatchling of mine. I am pleased you bested her without injury, else we might not have been found except by thieves. Or that false hatchling of mine you mentioned.§
Gryffindor appeared sad as well, but cheered almost immediately, "Well, seeing as how you are standing before us, you bested a great and powerful foe with aplomb! An excellent feat for one as young as you, my boy!"
By now, Harry's curiosity had consumed him, so he thanked Gryffindor and asked, "I hate to interrupt our conversation, but what is all this stuff?"
A third portrait on the wall opposite Slytherin's spoke up, this one a dark-haired, intimidatingly beautiful woman with a Scottish brogue, "Most are research projects. However, some of us decided to use this vault as storage for personal affects or just to keep valuable artifacts and resources out of the hands of dark wizards."
He turned to regard her and the other portrait currently watching him curiously. One of these two must be Rowena Ravenclaw and the other Helga Hufflepuff. Sadly, the other woman's portrait hadn't spoken, seemingly inert. He'd definitely have to bring Hermione here to show her this. She was always telling him that Hogwarts, A History said that the founders never had portraits.
"What about that, over there?" asked Harry, pointing at a pair of pods lying next to each other, side-by-side. They looked like they came out of science fiction, looking like they'd be used for hibernation while travelling through space. Sadly, there wasn't anything transparent on them that he could look through. Attached to them by a tangled assortment of large cables, astonishingly, was what appeared to be an older model of computer.
"We'll satisfy your curiosity once you satisfy mine, young man," said Slytherin before anyone else could answer. He pointed down at the boxes with an intense stare. Harry looked around at the other portraits and sighed to himself when it seemed like they weren't about to bail him out of this. At the very least, the Founders, and by extension their portraits would not want to harm a student, right?
Carefully and ready to pull back the moment he felt anything harmful, he grasped the long box on the cushion gingerly. A rush of magic enveloped him, drawing a gasp. Just as before at the door, he felt judged. Again, just as before, the feeling passed and he lifted the box easily. The box opened on its own, revealing a speckle-patterned brown wand. The handle was carved to look like a rattlesnake's rattle.
"Very good, lad. That wand is yours to keep. It is exceedingly adept at all forms of Parselmagic, being made of snakewood and horn of a horned serpent. Other than that, you will find it most competent at Charms work. Made it myself," said Slytherin smugly and proudly.
"Er, are you sure it'll work well for me? I was told when I bought my wand that 'the wand chooses the wizard,'" Harry asked hesitantly. At Slytherin's assured nod, he carefully pulled the wand out of the box and gripped the handle. He gasped loudly when he actually felt his magic not just flow, but absolutely surge through the wand. Green, silver, red, and gold sparks practically gushed out of the tip, a steady hissing accompanying them.
"Very good, young man. Keep it with you always. If you find your original wand preferable for any coursework, feel free to use it instead, but I recommend you use this one regularly to become accustomed to it," praised Slytherin. "Now, the other box, and Rowena will gladly explain what is kept in this vault."
He glanced up at the portrait briefly, carefully pocketing his new wand. This time, a little less hesitantly, his hands found the other, smaller box. The judgment took a little longer than the others, but inevitably, he lifted the box away from the cushion after a few seconds of pulling. The box opened on its own, revealing a bluish-green ring with two small, rounded sapphires and one larger, playing-cards-diamond-shaped sapphire. Upon further inspection, the ring was vaguely shaped like a snake curled up onto itself, the small sapphires being eyes and the larger sapphire being in the middle of the snake's forehead. Two horns topped the head of the serpent.
The voice of Slytherin broke him out of his reverie, "Well? Put it on. You may get a bit of a headache when you do, but it'll pass."
Harry snorted, "A ringing endorsement. What does this do that'll give me a headache?"
"Shan't tell unless you put it on," said the now petulant portrait. "I understand being apprehensive of magical items, but do you not understand that I would not wish ill will upon students at my school? Especially ones of my own blood. You would not be holding that ring otherwise."
This surprised the Gryffindor. He'd have to research that. Maybe he had descended from Slytherin in some form or fashion. He cast his mind back to the memory of the Gaunts that Dumbledore had shown him. Marvolo had shown off a ring of a family that he had descended from. Something starting with a 'P'.
Thinking of that ring brought him back to the one in his grasp. He rolled it in his fingers slightly, examining it once again. Trying to feel for any sort of malevolence off the object like he had once felt from Voldemort's diary when it was whole and undamaged.
'Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound. If it does end up killing me, at least I can be with Sirius again. And my parents,' thought Harry darkly. He pushed his right ring finger into the ring and once it reached his knuckle, the ring curled in, snakelike, until it fit comfortably on his finger. Immediately, he felt a splitting headache form as the magic of the ring connected with his own.
The headache was only present just long enough for him to grimace in discomfort. He turned to the portrait of Slytherin expectantly.
"Good lad," Slytherin said approvingly. "The gems set in the ring were cut from the gem that came from the very same horned serpent whose horn is in your new wand. The magic of the ring and the wand will reinforce one another as you use them more and more. I wore that ring nearly constantly for over two decades, thus it's absorbed a great deal of my knowledge and abilities."
Harry looked down at the ring appraisingly, wondering exactly what abilities the portrait meant.
Reading his expression, Slytherin continued, "The ring will teach you as the need arises. It's to keep your mind sane and prevent being inundated with too much information at once. Also, I would recommend going to back down into Manasa's den. The ring will lead you to and unlock the hidden door to my journals, which contain all I'd learned about Parseltongue. Now, Rowena, if you would be so kind…"
"You mean now that you're done teasing the lad's curiosity, Salazar?" asked the portrait of Ravenclaw with just a hint of sarcasm, drawing Harry's attention to her. She smiled indulgently down at him, "I saw you eyeing that most curious contraption we were asked to study right after Hogwarts was built."
His eyebrows flew up in surprise, asking incredulously, "But, how? Where did it come from? Part of it looks like something more modern and…Muggle."
He stepped over to the storage pods; more specifically, closer to what looked like a computer from the late-80's or early 90's. It was perched upon what looked like a large tool cabinet. Wires came out of the back which connected directly to the storage pods, though he spotted one looped into the tool cabinet itself. He squinted at the faded label on the back of the monitor; a C inside another C inside a circle and barely legible words below that: "Ca—le Co—." Below that, in smaller print were…runes? He'd have to ask Hermione.
"Muggle, you say? I'm fairly certain that Muggles had nothing of the sort at the time. As for where it came from, even we don't know. We were asked by a group of wizards from the Orient to solve the mystery for them. Nothing we tried did anything, even if Godric wanted to blast it apart to study it his way," said Ravenclaw. "Our conclusion was that the key to discovering the mystery is to unlock the trays. Just a forewarning, they resisted Open Sesame and Portaberto, though that was probably due to the nature of those spells being more suited to wooden doors."
Harry circled back around to study the keyboard. Some keys were faintly labelled with similar runes to what was on the back, though others were faded completely. He shook his head slowly at Ravenclaw's assertion, "If this is anything like what Muggles have now, then the key is figuring out how to activate it and hope it still works after all this time. The trays probably just have tools in them."
He took a step back, wondering if he should try doing that Patronus messenger spell that Dumbledore had taught the Order to get Hermione in here or if he should drink a small amount of the Felix Felicis he got from Slughorn. He idly glanced around, taking notice of the other trinkets all around.
"Am I allowed in and out of this vault whenever I want? And could I bring a friend here as well? She could definitely help with all this," he asked, pulling the Marauder's Map from his pocket.
"Of course! In fact, if it's not too much trouble, we'd like to meet the current Headmaster and possibly get our portraits placed more prominently!" exclaimed Gryffindor.
"I'll see what I can do about that, but I can't guarantee anything. There's currently a bit of a skirmish going on and we don't want to give the dark wizard out there any more reason to come to Hogwarts," Harry said. "If news of this vault got out and especially if news of an active portrait of Salazar Slytherin was found inside, he'd drop everything to focus on Hogwarts."
"Ah, understood, my boy. Off with you then," said Gryffindor.
What is it with bearded men and calling him their boy anyway? Oh well, questions for another time.
As he stepped out of the vault and went through the hallway, the door and hallway closed behind him. A glance told him that Merlin had fallen asleep in his portrait. He scanned the map for Hermione. Checking her usual haunts: the library and…the…library and, OH! Her dorm room! There she was! And by herself too, that was fortuitous.
Harry stared down at the snakewood wand still in his hand, 'Might as well give it a go, I guess. Maybe even with Parseltongue too.'
§A guardian approaches,§ he hissed. Strange that his intended spell became a phrase instead of staying in Latin.
The wand in his hand vibrated with what felt like excitement at the Parseltongue. A giant, ethereal snake, easily twice the size of the Basilisk he'd slain during his second year, erupted from his wand. He gaped at it with disbelief, noticing that it appeared to be (somewhat unsurprisingly) a horned serpent.
"Well, that's an issue. How am I supposed to explain that?" he groused, dismissing the snake Patronus. "Maybe it's just Parseltongue? Expecto Patronum!"
He sighed in relief as his familiar stag erupted from the wand, albeit much larger and brighter. The guardian spirit looked around for threats before cantering over to him. He waved his wand in a pattern resembling a closed envelope over the stag.
"Mittere Nuntium Hermione Granger: Hermione, I have something amazing to show you. Come down to where we were almost caught out of bed by Filch for the very first time our first year," Harry told the stag. He grinned when the stag coalesced into a ball of light before fading through the ceiling. She'd be happy that he took security precautions by being vague. Hopefully.
—
"And just what was so important you had to interrupt my reading, Harry James Potter?! I have to finish that book before my Arithmancy test Friday! You couldn't wait to show it to me later?" asked an irate bookworm.
Harry rubbed his sore shoulder. Wow, Hermione had a mean right hook. Still, he eyed her with displeasure plain on his face, "Didn't you say that you finished that book this last Friday, Hermione?"
"I said I read it, I didn't say I finished it. Honestly, Harry, there's a difference. Now, what is it?" she asked.
"Well, first, I found out that there's a lot more to Parseltongue than we knew. I'll explain more when I learn more. In fact, I might need your help with that. Apparently, Slytherin kept a journal about it and it might still be in the Chamber of Secrets," he explained.
Hermione's eyes lit up with bright interest. Eyes that then narrowed at Harry with an expectant look.
He sighed with fond exasperation, "Yes, Hermione, you can read it. After all, it might not be in modern English and we may need to translate it." Her vibrant smile told him he narrowly avoided being hexed.
"And there's also this…" he trailed off as he turned to the green armor. It was getting easier and easier to use Parseltongue; he noticed when he hissed immediately while barely concentrating on the snake, §Lead me to Salazar Slytherin's hidden vault.§
Idly, he saw Hermione's curious expression out of the corner of his eyes. A stark contrast to the flinch that he remembered Ron having during second year. Wait, why did he remember that so easily?
He jumped when he felt an iron grip on his unbruised bicep, drawing his attention back to the stream of questions pouring out of his best friend's mouth.
"...And just when did you find this? How did you know it was here? Is there a password? What's the password?"
"Down, girl. Let's go and have a look at what's inside before we go crazy. And yes, there is a password and it hardly helps you any since it's Parseltongue," he accentuated his point by playfully waggling his tongue at her.
"I will hit you again, Harry. Don't think I won't," Hermione said teasingly.
Harry raised his hands in mock surrender and began to lead the way to the vault. Unlike before, he didn't feel any judgment, possibly because he passed last time. Strangely, Hermione didn't seem to give any indication that she'd been judged either. Maybe it was because she was with him?
He opened the vault door for her and motioned for her to go in with a grin, "Ladies first!"
Hermione's reaction to what was in the vault did not disappoint him; the excited gasp was exactly what he expected. He followed her in, finding her looking around like a kid in a candy store who had no idea where to start. Her eyes seemed especially drawn to the portrait of Ravenclaw. Of course she would want to interrogate the most intelligent of the founders.
Sadly, like Merlin, the active founders' portraits had fallen asleep. Maybe older portraits spent more time asleep?
His hands clasped her shoulders and he steered her to the computer and storage containers.
"This is the biggest reason why I asked you here, Hermione. I didn't take runes, you did, so you can at least decipher what's still there," he explained.
She looked at the computer with disbelief then leaned down to look at the keyboard closely. Then she checked the back of the monitor, staring at the faded label. She turned back to Harry with a strange look on her face.
"Harry…? You don't know much about other languages, do you?" she asked slowly. Without waiting for an answer, she continued, "It's not runes, Harry. It's Japanese. And I don't know any at all."
Not for the first time, Harry cursed the Dursleys for keeping him ill-informed and downtrodden. That and their xenophobia in particular kept him from learning anything of other cultures.
She circled around the computer on the cabinet, studying the wires and the storage containers.
"But where did this even come from? It looks like a computer I learned on back in primary school. And that was for history class."
"Well, what do you think?" Harry asked hesitantly. "Do you think we should turn it on and see what happens?"
His question was answered with a huff of exasperation from her, "Harry, how many times do I have to tell you? Muggle electronics won't work around Hogwarts. It says so in…"
"Hogwarts, A History," he said, matching her cadence. "I know, I know. But I'm not so sure about that. Have you ever brought anything electronic to Hogwarts to test it out? What if they just tell us that to get us to leave the muggle world behind? And if electronics don't work around Hogwarts, what about Diagon Alley? That much magic in the air, in the heart of London? What about some of the residential housing around it?"
Hermione bit her lip at his questions. Professor McGonagall had told her specifically that electronics wouldn't work. She shook her head to clear it.
"Well, what makes you think it still works anyway, Harry? Do you know how long it's been in here?" she asked in an attempt to avoid the previous topic.
"According to Salazar Slytherin's portrait, it's been here since he and the others had built this vault. Because the vault's been closed and undisturbed since the portraits have been in here."
"Wait, that's impossible!" she exclaimed, turning back to study the computer once again. "Muggles definitely didn't have this level of technology that long ago! This shouldn't exist if it's that old. And what exactly should we be doing with these things? What if turning it on unleashes something horrible on us?"
"Well, I had an idea," said Harry, pulling the tiny bottle of Felix Felicis out of his pocket. "If we both take a little bit of this, enough for an hour apiece, and we fiddled with the computer, something advantageous would happen no matter what. If it opens those, that's good. If it breaks and we have no way of opening them, that's good. Either way, win-win."
Hermione stared at the bottle and he could practically hear the gears turning in her head.
"Two hours each." she suggested, her wand already in her hand. A wave of her wand and markings appeared on the potion vial to help them estimate the amount they needed to drink. "If we're really doing this without a professor, I don't want anything less where it could all go wrong. Like usual."
"Fine, but you're helping me brew more later," he said, uncorking the potion bottle. The ring on his finger warmed and suddenly the previously undefinable scent of "potion" turned into the smell of ashwinder eggs, squill bulbs, and horseradish, among others. That might be useful at some point. Carefully, he poured just enough potion into his mouth to last two hours before handing the bottle to Hermione.
As soon as he swallowed the surprisingly pleasant-tasting potion, it felt like the path of the future was his to shape and mold, all possibilities laid out before him. Felix nudged him, telling him he should wait until Hermione felt the same. Without looking, he accepted the resealed bottle of potion and tucked it in his pocket while his feet carried him over to the computer.
"Well, at least we know this won't end horribly by mucking about with this stuff, Harry."
"And all it took was an immensely valuable and difficult to brew potion," Harry said, letting his hand be guided to the power switch on the back of the computer.
The switch was difficult to move and even to find, seeing as how it was hidden slightly by a wire. Finally, a click echoed into the small space of the vault and an almost choked whirring followed, clearly the fan inside the case had seen better days. The monitor flickered to life, dark yellow Japanese text on a greenish background scrolled from bottom to top.
He felt it was best to let the computer do its thing for the time being until finally the text stopped and the computer seemed to be waiting for some sort of input. He moved out of the way to a spot next to the storage pods. Felix told him to be there while Hermione seemed to tap random keys on the keyboard.
"This potion is amazing, Harry! I feel like I can't do anything wrong with it going through me! We should definitely brew some more," exclaimed Hermione, dramatically pressing enter on the keyboard. "There! Whichever is the best outcome should happen now."
The question of what that could be died on Harry's lips with the sound of hydraulics hissing. He found his question answered when the lid of one of the storage pods slowly, haltingly began to open. The hinges at the head of the pod squealed from centuries of disuse. He waited for the ancient machine to open completely, feeling like it took hours, but in reality, it had only taken half a minute. He looked down into the pod curiously now that he could see inside.
Inside lay the strangest woman he'd ever seen in his life. Strange because she looked only vaguely human, due to her bright pink skin. Most of her head was obscured by what looked like a flight helmet with wires connecting the top of the helmet to the bottom part of the pod. His eyes trailed down her body, blushing when he saw that her sizable breasts were barely being contained by a black tube top. Matching black arm warmers went up past her elbows and down to her wrists. His eyes trailed down her washboard abdominal muscles to her white, baggy pants held up by a golden belt.
Speaking of gold, she was positively decked out in it. Gold earrings on pointed ears in two different spots on each ear, a gold choker, two gold bracelets on each wrist, and a gold ring on her left middle finger. His eyes roamed back down to her legs, finding two ankle bracelets as well and her high-heeled boots had gold caps over her toes.
"Not what I expected at all. It's a…woman?, Hermione," he said. Then realized that this should be impossible. Unless preservation magic was really amazing back then, she should be dust. On a whim, he hovered his hand over her mouth and nose. The slow, rhythmic breathing of sleep shocked him, making him yank his hand back as though burned. "And she's alive! How the bloody hell?!"
"Language, Harry," Hermione scolded automatically, rather shocked herself. She shook her head and tapped a few more buttons on the keyboard as Felix guided her to.
Inside the pod, the helmet's visor lit up and the woman's mouth twisted in displeasure. She grumbled sleepily like someone being woken up from a particularly good nap. Which, he guessed, technically she was.
The pink woman sat up slowly and yawning, showing off some very sharp canines. She reached up blindly to paw at the helmet. Felix gave him a nudge and he thought the potion must be wearing off or he was going insane.
Harry gently patted her hands before grabbing them and lowering them. She jumped a little in surprise, but followed his nonverbal instruction docilely. He began to grab and pull the wires away from the helmet by unlatching them. Here and there, a wire would cause her to jump, but she sat patiently while he worked.
"Harry? Please tell me that your potion is telling you that what you're doing is the right thing," Hermione said hesitantly. The woman turned toward the sound of her voice with her mouth twisted in confusion.
A final wire removal allowed him to lift the helmet off of her head. He gasped in surprise as her pure whire hair cascaded down to the small of her back in messy spikes. Her rounded face was rather pretty and kind-looking. Her icy blue, yet still warm eyes glanced around in curiosity before turning to confusion. Her eyes locked onto his emerald green before she tilted her head cutely, as if considering something.
Meanwhile, the green-eyed wizard was completely blown away. This was one half of his increasingly erotic dreams, just sitting in front of him. Suddenly, he received a very forceful nudge from Felix and he took a step back before offering his hand to her.
The pink woman giggled and said something in what he presumed to be Japanese in a light, airy voice. She placed her soft hand in his and used a surprising strength to pull him closer, wrapping her other arm around the back of his neck. A pink tail gripped his free wrist and pulled it underneath her legs.
"Oh, she has a tail! That's very interesting," Hermioned observed.
"Well, you're certainly taking this in stride, Hermione," Harry said, taking the hint the woman was trying to give him. He lifted her up out of the pod, his eyes widening in surprise when she was much heavier than expected. But all the grueling chores that the Dursleys had him do prepared him for this.
"Well, if she was dangerous, Harry, then we wouldn't have been able to let her out," she said as though it were obvious.
He opened his mouth to reply only to feel a pair of lips press against his jawline before the woman in his arms pulled free from him to make her way down to the floor. She stood on slightly unsteady legs that grew steadier the more steps she took.
"She's a different kind of dangerous, though," he said, his cheeks flaming red. His friend snickered at his statement before the pink woman walked over to her.
Both women regarded one another closely until the pink one shooed away the brown haired witch. The pink woman began to tap at the keys at a rapid pace.
"Think she has a name or are we just going to have to call her Pinky?" Harry asked. "Oh hell, how are we going to explain her being in Hogwarts?!"
"Well, we still have at least an hour and a half of Felix left, Harry. I think Professor Flitwick will be our best bet. He should still be in his office," Hermione said, watching the pink woman work.
"Oh, that reminds me, I wanted to ask him something about the Patronus Charm," he said. Upon her expectant look, he continued. "I cast my Patronus in Parseltongue earlier and instead of my stag, it was a horned serpent."
Hermione gasped loudly, briefly drawing the gaze from their new guest before she went back to work, "Harry, that should be impossible! No one in recorded history has ever had two forms of Patronus at once."
"Once we can be sure that she won't misconstrue it as an attack, I'll show you. If it comes down to it, I might use that one to ward off dementors. After all, by now, my O.W.L. results will be in Death Eater hands and they'll know my patronus is a stag. So, if I'm in disguise, I'll have a way to 'prove' I'm not Harry Potter if I can cast it silently in Parseltongue," Harry mused.
"Harry, that's brilliant, actually. How did you think of that?" she asked.
"I'm allowed to be brilliant, Hermione," he said with a smile.
She playfully punched his shoulder just before the second pod began to hiss and the hydraulics began to squeal as it opened.
"What are the odds she has a friend?" Harry asked warily, stepping around to look into the second pod.
Sure enough, there was another pink woman, this one shorter than the first and somehow even more busty. Hers was straining behind some cloth keeping them wrapped up under a black and gold vest. Underneath a softer, slightly chubbier belly was a gold belt with a stylized "M" holding up the same type of baggy pants that the other woman was wearing. Her feet were in what appeared to be a pair of yellow galoshes. Strangely, unlike the first woman, this one had holes in her arms going up to her shoulders.
Just as with the first woman, this one's helmet lit up to wake her. After this one sat up, he immediately began to remove the wires just as he had the first helmet. Unlike before, this one hummed appreciatively at what appeared to be a prompt response and hugged him around his middle.
"Ladies man, aren't you, Harry?" Hermione asked teasingly. She suddenly gasped, "Oh, that's right! You have to be careful, Harry! I overheard Romilda Vane and her friends discussing the best way to slip you a love potion."
"Of course, she was. How the hell are love potions even legal?" Harry asked, removing the final wire and then the helmet. He gaped at this new pink woman. She was the second half of his dreams.
Her wild, white hair was barely down to her neck, framing her rounded face and strange, but innocent eyes. The black sclera and red irises were strange, but she was staring up at him with such wonder and kindness that it wasn't at all off-putting.
The first pink woman said something to the other, causing her red eyes to light up. She then held her arms out expectantly.
Harry shrugged and leaned over to let her wrap her arms around his neck before picking her up in a bridal carry. She actually squealed in excitement and nuzzled into him.
"Hmm, very interesting. They appear to be a similar species, but one has a tail and the other doesn't. What do you think, Harry?" Hermione asked.
"I think you should check the trays the computer's on. Ravenclaw's portrait was telling me that they couldn't get them open," he said, while the pink woman in his arms babbled away in Japanese to him. "I also think we should look into seeing if translation charms exist."
"Really? I find that hard to believe, but at the same time, I do believe that the alohomora charm was invented at least six centuries after their time," Hermione speculated. She leaned down and tapped her wand to each lock in turn, a click sounding each time. "And I'm sure they exist. There are references to some, but you need to know the languages you're translating to and from to make them work."
The first pink woman watched her curiously before reaching down to test the trays, smiling broadly apparently at having access. She reached in to grab a large, clock-like object with a green screen from one, a small rectangular case from another, and then exclaimed excitedly when she opened the last.
Harry walked over to look curiously. He watched her reach in and pull out a shining, glass-like orange ball the size of a grapefruit. Inside the ball were five red stars. The woman turned to regard him curiously before smiling and tucking her bounty into his robe pockets since his hands were full.
"Looks like I'm being trusted with holding on to this stuff," he said with a chuckle.
"Hmm, let's go talk to Professor Flitwick while we still have time, Harry," Hermione suggested. "And then later, we could show him and the rest of the professors this vault."
"…I think I'd rather keep this place a secret for a while, Hermione. I don't care what anyone says. Snape is a tosser and I don't want him having any information that would be advantageous to Voldemort," Harry growled.
As if sensing his anger, the woman in his arms lifted herself up and gave him a kiss on the jawbone just as the first had done. Before he could do more than blush, she shimmied around his body until he was basically giving her a piggyback ride.
"Ugh, fine, Harry. But you know Professor Dumbledore trusts him," she said, rolling her eyes. "Let's go then."
(AN:) I wrote this one a while back before I ever started Midnight's Godson and lost the thread of plot I was following, but I think I can work out where to go from here!
Also, yes, that is a genderbent Buu. She and Android 21 may or may not have also been dreaming what he's been dreaming.
Other Dragonball characters will make appearances in later chapters, most due to time travel.