A/N:

this chapter is a belated birthday gift to Matthew!

Chapter 4: The McDonalds Alignment Chart

Harry had invited all of his friends to come meet his and Tom's latest child and celebrate his (illegal) official adoption. So far, everyone was having a great time. Hermione, however, was being too serious for Harry's liking.

"So how, exactly, did Tom and Harry find you? Was your home life bad?" Hermione asked. She knew, in vague terms, how Stolen and Dee had come into their lives. Harry did not want her prying into this particular child's backstory.

Rob smiled politely at her. "No, ma'am. It's just that I never spent more than a year or so at any one place, and most of the families I stayed with didn't pay much attention to me. Mister Riddle and Mister Potter pulled up in a van and asked me if I wanted to hang out with them. I thought it sounded like fun, so I said yes." Then he added, "They even offered me chocolate."

Hermione's left eye twitched. "Please excuse me while I talk to your parents, Rob," she said, then seized Harry by the arm and dragged him off.

Harry glared at his eldest child over his shoulder, hoping his gaze conveyed his very serious message of 'don't make me regret kidnapping you'.

Rob waved back in response.

Hermione dragged Harry over to Tom, then dragged the both of them over to Ron. Then she made Harry explain how, exactly, he and Tom had come to 'adopt' Rob.

"Repeat that again for me," Ron said when the explanation was done, "but in different words so I understand it."

"Tom and I accidentally stole a teenage orphan and he refused to let us take him home because he wanted us to kidnap him," Harry admitted. "So he blackmailed us. Then we had to go rob a bank. But we dropped the teenager off at home first. We're not totally irresponsible!"

"Wow," Ron said, blinking. "I guess I did understand you the first time."

"It was a deliberate kidnapping," Tom said, smiling. "There was no blackmail involved. Please ignore everything Harry says about blackmail."

"Rob mentioned he's been moved around a lot," Hermione said. "Was he in foster care?"

"Er, yes," Harry said tentatively. "But he said he didn't like it there!"

Hermione stared at him. "If he was in foster care, then why didn't you just ADOPT HIM?"

"Oh," Harry said. "Fuck." He looked at Tom. "We totally could have done that. Why didn't we do that?"

"I am walking away," Tom said. Then he proceeded to do just that.

Ron glanced back at Rob, who waved again. "He seems… very polite. Which is nice."

Hermione dropped her face into her hands. "Sirius is going to have a field day."

Some weeks later, Rob inquired about school. Harry said everything was handled, but Rob had insisted on being involved with the process, which complicated things.

"Robbed Bank Potter-Riddle," Rob read aloud. "They let you put this in my student record?"

"Tom paid them a lot of money," Harry said, rolling his eyes for good measure.

"Wait," Rob said, placing his shiny new school ID down on the table. The school had requested an official ID be issued for Rob prior to the start of the school year due to his unconventional name. "Is this why you asked me if I had a birth certificate?"

"It is definitely why I asked you if you had a birth certificate," Harry said, ignoring Tom's elbow in his side.

"Your photograph looks very nice," Tom said, obviously trying to change the subject. "Very handsome. Well done."

"So you got a fake one made?" Rob asked, looking from one parent to the other with suspicious eyes. "One that says 'Robbed Bank Potter-Riddle'?"

"Not quite," Tom said slowly.

"He's going to find out eventually," Harry said, exasperated. "We might as well show him. He's old enough to know."

Rob squinted at them. "Show me what?"

Harry led their eldest child toward the study where Tom kept their family documents. Of course, Tom tried to stop them. He offered ice cream. He offered an all-nighter movie night. He even offered an increase in allowance, but Rob ignored him.

In the study, Harry knelt next to the safe and proceeded to undo all of the security measures Tom had put on it. Fingerprint, eye scan, six-digit combination, and voice-activated password. The safe cracked open, revealing a tidy stack of laminated documents.

Harry retrieved all three birth certificates and laid them out on Tom's desk for Rob to look at.

"Did you... make these yourself?" Rob asked warily.

"Tom did," Harry said cheerfully, "and this is why we have to pay a ridiculous amount of bribe money to the school administration every year."

"It is not bribe money," Tom said hotly. "It is a generous donation."

"Bribe money," Harry repeated.

Rob picked up his certificate and held it up to the light. "Well," he said after a moment, "I don't suppose fourteen is too early to start learning how to forge legal documents."

Harry clapped his hands together. "Stealing you was the best mistake we ever made," he declared fervently. "I'll ask around Tom's contacts and find someone to teach you."

"I thought we agreed it was not a mistake. It was a very deliberate, very purposeful kidnapping," Tom complained. "Also, I don't believe teaching our child how to commit crimes is the best course of action. Why don't you learn how? Or I'll learn how?"

"You think making a certificate in MS Paint and paying off the school officials is an acceptable course of action," Harry said, taking the papers back and redepositing them into the safe. "Forgive me if I think you incapable of learning how to forge the professional version."

"What about you, then?" Tom asked, lifting a brow. "Why don't you make them, if you're so clever?"

"Rob, cover your ears," Harry instructed. "What I'm about to say is not for children."

Rob snorted and left the room, shutting the door behind him.

"My job is to be your handsome trophy husband and burden you with dozens of children," Harry said, poking Tom's chest. "And look after said children," he added as an afterthought. "And indulge your strange bondage kink."

"I do not have a bondage kink."

"Mhmm." Harry leaned in, glancing at Tom's lips. "Sure, Tom."

"I mean it," Tom said, but his breathing sounded a little off which meant Harry was winning.

Harry cradled his husband's face with one hand, smoothing his thumb over the cheek. Then he dipped his head so that his mouth brushed against Tom's earlobe. As expected, Tom's arms came up to hold him.

"Something to say?" Tom asked in a low voice.

Harry smirked and lifted his head. "Yes, actually," he purred, dragging a finger down Tom's chest. "A question I've been wanting to ask for a while. A long while."

"Go ahead."

Harry braced a hand on Tom's shoulder, leant in, and whispered in what he hoped was a seductive tone, "Who's your daddy?"

Tom froze. He froze right up. It was absolutely hysterical. Harry held it in for all of two seconds before he dissolved into laughter, collapsing at Tom's feet with tears in his eyes.

Harry wiped at his face. Tom wasn't laughing. In fact, he looked kind of mildly horrified.

"Oh, no," Harry said, sitting up. "I'm sorry. It was just a joke."

"You are a menace," Tom finally said. He didn't sound mad, which was good, but he also did not sound totally sane, which was bad.

Harry picked himself up off the floor and gave Tom a pat. "We'll work on that. Maybe you're the daddy."

Tom pinched the bridge of his nose. "Let's go check on the children."

Harry looped his arm through Tom's and laid his head lovingly on his husband's shoulder.

He'd give it a rest... for now.

Harry and Tom were planning a heist in the study room when Rob knocked on the door.

"Come in," Harry called out while Tom covered up the most damning documents with a large plastic tarp.

Rob pushed his way into the room. "Stolen's been bothering me again," he said. "They won't listen when I tell them to stop."

"Is that all?" Tom asked.

"It's annoying." Rob pulled a face. "I guess I can just go lock myself in my room? But then they'll be on their own. So I thought I should come and tell you."

"When I was your age," Tom said thoughtfully, "and some whiny orphan brat was bothering me, I kicked them down the stairs. Then the rest of them left me alone."

Harry elbowed Tom very violently in the stomach.

"Not—not that I'm saying you should do that," Tom wheezed as he struggled to remain upright. Harry could be ruthless when he wanted to be.

"Uh huh." Rob scoffed. "I'll be in my room until dinner, then."

The door shut quietly as he left. Harry glared at Tom, who scowled back.

"Orphanages are savage places," Tom said defensively. "It's shove or be shoved."

Harry squinted. "And you accuse me of being unnecessarily violent?"

"I accuse you of being unfair," Tom shot back.

"Four against one is perfectly fair when said single person is a notorious supervillain," Harry said, straight faced. "It isn't my fault that you can't beat three children in a Nerf gun fight."

Rob held the hands of his younger siblings as Tom led them all into Hogwarts Primary for the start of the new year. It was important that Rob knew where the school was in case there was an emergency and he had to pick up the younger kids on his own.

Harry was a bit anxious about settling the two younger kids into a new class with a new teacher, but he had faith that things would go well. After the youngest were settled, they would drive Rob to Beauxbatons.

Tom had been pestering the boy about his GCSE exams, but Harry had plenty of faith. Rob was a smart boy, and though Harry would never say it aloud, he thought Rob had the potential to surpass both him and Tom in smarts. After all, how many children could say they'd blackmailed their parents into adopting them?

"I have a list this time," Tom was saying, "for the new teacher. Everything they need to know."

"Surprised you don't have a PowerPoint presentation prepared," Harry commented.

"I have one," Tom said, wrinkling his nose. "Then I realized we wouldn't have the time to show it, so I printed the slides instead—"

Stolen released Rob's hand and attached themself to Harry's leg. "May we get McDonalds later?" they asked, pouting.

"No," Harry said.

Stolen pulled away and glomped onto Tom's leg instead. "Father, may we have McDonalds after school?"

Tom paused mid speech to glance down at them. Stolen widened their eyes in a false display of innocence.

"Maybe," Tom allowed.

Harry rubbed at his temples.

"Nervous for your first day?" Harry asked as he adjusted the strap of Rob's book bag. "I can go in with you, if you like."

"I'll be fine." Rob nodded. "Beauxbatons Academy has good reviews."

Harry was bemused. "Well, yes. We picked a good school."

Rob nodded again, looking quite serious. "Don't worry. I promise to do well."

"Good," said Tom, "because education is an investment—"

"Ugh, Tom, you're so boring. Let me give the inspirational speech." Harry smacked a kiss to his husband's cheek, then turned to face their eldest child. "Rob," he said seriously, "if you do well in school, one day you will be a successful adult capable of stealing your own child."

Tom shook his head. "That is not the lesson we should be imparting on our children."

"But it's the lesson they'll learn from our example, love." Harry gave Tom's cheek a pat.

"Do well in school, go to university, acquire my own family through kidnapping," Rob said, counting the points off on his fingers. "Am I missing anything?"

"Listen to your parents," Tom added immediately. "Very important."

"Right." Rob smiled. "Couldn't forget that one."

"We'll come pick you up when you're finished," Harry said, giving Rob's shoulder a squeeze.

"And then McDonalds?"

Harry could feel the corner of his mouth twitch upward. It was an unwanted, unwilling twitch.

"Maybe," Harry said blandly. "Now get going before I change my mind."

Rob saluted both parents before he wandered into the building, leaving Harry and Tom alone in the lot next to the car.

"You're too soft on them," Tom commented, opening the driver's seat door.

"Me?" Harry demanded, outraged. He reached over to shut the door. "How am I the soft one?"

"If I were to list all the reasons why, we would be here until the school day ended."

Tom tried to open the door back up, but Harry kept a hand flat against the handle, blocking him.

"You just finished telling Stolen and Dee that they could have McDonalds after I already said no."

"I said maybe. And that was only to get them to leave."

Harry folded his arms over his chest and glared. "Then you tell them no."

"I will not."

"Will too."

Tom scrutinized him for a moment. "Fine, but then you have to drive."

Harry suspected that Tom wanted to avoid the pressure of their children whining and pleading for chicken nuggets on the way home.

"Fine," Harry allowed. "I'm not afraid of our kids." He opened up the driver's side door. "But that means I drive us home right now."

Tom grumbled but didn't argue as he made his way around the car to the passenger side door.

"Are we getting McDonalds?" asked Dee as Harry strapped him into his car seat for the ride home from school.

"Ask your father," Harry said. He wasn't letting Tom get away with making him the bad guy in this situation.

"Are we getting McDonalds?" Dee repeated, this time to Tom.

Tom's face was very blank as he said, "No."

"No?" Stolen pouted. "No McDonalds?"

"No McDonalds," Tom confirmed. "It'll spoil your supper."

"We have food at home," Rob said gently, nudging Dee with his elbow.

However, Stolen wasn't giving up that easily. "No Happy Meal?"

"No Happy Meal," Tom said with the world's fakest smile plastered on his face.

Harry got into the driver's seat and pulled out of the lot. He was hardly past the first cross street when Stolen took up chanting "McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!" at the top of their lungs.

"See?" Harry said to Tom. "This is what you get for spoiling them. They think they can get away with anything."

Tom pinched the bridge of his nose, then twisted his body around to gaze at their children in the back of the car. "Please stop yelling."

Stolen was pink-cheeked and breathing hard. "You promised," they accused.

"There were no promises made."

"I want McDonalds."

Harry sighed and made the snap decision to alter the course of the vehicle. Tom noticed the change before the children did and raised a brow at Harry.

"Trust me," Harry said calmly. "I know what I'm doing."

Stolen continued their occasional cries for a Happy Meal all the way until the familiar golden arches came into view. Then the cries started up again as happy cheers, from Stolen and Dee both.

Harry maneuvered into the drive through lane and rolled down the driver's side window.

"Welcome to McDonalds! Can I take your order?"

"Yeah, can I get a large black coffee?"

"One large black coffee?"

"That's right." In the background, Harry could hear the children exclaiming their desire for chicken nuggets.

"Anything else for you today, sir?"

Harry smiled. "Nope!"

"That will be £1.99 at the next window."

Silence reigned in the vehicle as Harry pulled up to the next window, paid, and waited for the car in front to finish up so he could claim his coffee. Stolen had shiny tears welling up in their eyes as they gazed forlornly at Harry in the rearview mirror, but thankfully they kept quiet as Harry accepted his coffee at the final window.

"That was evil," Rob said once the car windows were shut and they were once again back on the road. "But evil in a good way."

"Evil in a good way?" Harry asked, raising a brow. He took a sip of his coffee, wrinkled his nose at the bitter taste, then handed it over to Tom.

"You're villains," Rob reminded him. "But you're also parents."

Stolen sniffled once, wiping at their face. "Can we have Happy Meals tomorrow?" they asked.

"May we," Tom corrected, but his eyes were conflicted.

"May we have Happy Meals tomorrow?"

Harry glanced at his husband. "Tom, if you say yes now, I will make myself a widow. I will raise our chicken nugget addict children all on my own."

"Sorry," Tom said to the children, sounding contrite. "But maybe on the weekend. If you're good."

As they came to a stop at a red light, Harry snatched the cup of coffee out of Tom's hands. "You don't deserve this," he said pointedly. "You don't deserve my coffee."

Tom ignored the jibe and said, "The light is green, Harry."

"We have chicken nuggets at home," Rob said to his siblings as the car started moving again. "The dinosaur shaped ones."

"And chocolate milk?" asked Dee.

"And chocolate milk," Rob confirmed.

Harry took a second sip of his coffee. It did not taste any better than it had before. He handed the cup back to Tom and sighed. "Should we be concerned that our eldest is better at negotiating with our younger children than we are?"

"He did say he wanted to be the babysitter. Besides, we're paying for his education. I'd consider it a fair trade."

Harry smacked Tom on the leg. "That isn't how paying your babysitter works! It is definitely not how raising your child works."

"What would you know about that, anyway?" Tom grumbled. "Didn't Sirius let you do whatever you wanted?"

"Yes, but I was a sane, well-adjusted child who didn't also have you for a father."

"I'm not even sure where to begin dismantling that statement."

"Having you as a father increases the chaotic factor by at least… nine."

"Nine?"

"I don't like the number ten and anything higher than that seems like overkill. Anyway, my point is that we stole a really great kid who highlights our deficiencies as parents, which is concerning."

"I would say the fact that we chose him is a point in our favour."

"Are we home yet?" Rob asked loudly, reminding them of the presence of all three children in the backseat of the car.

"We should have taken the limo," Tom said under his breath. "More privacy."

"Those are our children sitting behind us," Harry said, unimpressed. "We're supposed to be watching them. Talking to them."

Tom waved a dismissive hand. "Plenty of time for that at home."

"You just don't want to deal with their puppy dog eyes," Harry accused.

"Are we home yet?" Rob repeated, even louder than before.

"Almost," Tom said, almost absently. Then he said to Harry, "That is untrue. I am perfectly capable of handling them."

"Lies," Harry said as they pulled off the main road and onto one of the side streets that led home. "Lies and falsehoods. You are a sucker for the big eyes."

"Am not."

"If that's your only defense then that's pretty sad." Harry patted Tom's knee. "There, there. No one is good at everything. The sooner you accept it, the better."

"May we have choco milk at home?" Stolen asked politely.

Tom glanced over his shoulder at them. "No chocolate milk before dinner."

"Choco milk after dinner?" Stolen pouted.

Tom shut his eyes and whirled to face the front. "Ask your dad," he said, eyes still firmly shut.

"Daddy," asked Stolen, "may we have choco milk after dinner?"

Harry dearly wanted to laugh. "Fine," he said, "but if you kick up a fuss about McDonalds again, there will be no choco milk for a week."

Stolen smiled so wide that their cheeks dimpled. "Okay! Thank you, daddy."

Rob high fived Stolen, then Dee, who even did a little dance in his car seat to celebrate the promise of chocolate milk.

Harry was reminded that while Rob was older than the little ones, he was still, technically, a child, and therefore could not be trusted to side with him and Tom, who were the adults.

"The sooner they're old enough to properly threaten, the better," Tom grumbled, and Harry couldn't help but agree.

A/N:

you can find the actual alignment chart on my tumblr duplicitywrites, or on the AO3 version of this story.