Title: Touch
Author: EOshipmate
Disclaimer: SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf etc. No infringement is intended.
Note: Haven't seen the Lewis arc yet, going off what I've seen online, so forgive if details aren't quite right. Also, first fic in many years!
Summary: Liv and Elliot reconnect after his reappearance. EO/Bensler
Touch
It was the touching that she noticed the most. When they were partners a touch was reserved for special occasions… when one of them was distraught a simple pat on the shoulder, when in distress a quick hug- maybe not so quick in life or death situations- and then it was so hard to let go because they knew the touch was so rare. It was hard to hide their intense feelings in those moments. She reveled in the memories of these rare touches- and the looks. The way he would look at her, into her, his voice when he was worried- that he was worried at all. Twelve years of their special bond, their caring, their being in sync. It kept her going- it kept her in denial when he left. Of course he would come back. He wouldn't just leave her. He was her everything, and he knew it. But as days turned into weeks, into months, into years, she had gradually come to accept that he wasn't coming back. There were still times where she reached to call him or heard something that she briefly thought, I have to tell El. Then she'd remember. And it would hit her in the gut harder than before. He had really left. He had left her.
But now here he was. He had come back to her after all. The shock of seeing him again was drowned in the investigation and grieving Kathy's death. She buried her feelings the best she could and fell in sync with him once again to help him, to just be there for him and his family. So much she wanted to say, he tried to drag it out of her at the hospital before Kathy died, but it was too soon, and he was too focused on more important things to give her what she needed. She hadn't been ready to hear it then. But then he gave her the letter.
Ten years of repressed hurt and anger and missing him… and he gave her what she had long hoped to hear. An explanation, an apology, an acknowledgement. She tucked it safely in her pocket as she ran off to play with Noah, but she couldn't get it out of her head. As soon as Noah was asleep and the babysitter arrived, she had snuck off alone to read it, a place they had often stopped to have a quick lunch on the park bench before continuing on their investigations. His apology at the hospital had seemed sincere, and that line about her voice… it was so intimate that she abruptly cut him off, refusing to hear his excuses. She saw the guilt on his face as she confronted him about his disappearance from her life, the one person she had always been able to count on, just gone. The pain and shock of that realization flooding back when she saw him. But now a letter, his heart to hers. She took a breath and opened it.
Liv,
So many times I sat down to write this letter… or to pick up the phone or send an email. But I just couldn't do it. What could I say to make up for what I did? The more time that passed the harder it was. I kept thinking you were better off without me, that you were (rightfully) mad at me and wouldn't want to hear from me. At least I told myself that to live with what I did. Looking back, I abandoned you. There's no excuse for that. At the time I felt like I was doing what was best for everyone. But I was just running away. I thought without me in the way you could move on. And you did. I was so proud to hear you were captain. Nobody deserves it more. I've heard nothing but praise and respect for you whenever your name has come up. And when I was told about the award ceremony and they wanted me to speak, I knew it was time. I had to see you again. I thought enough time had passed that we could talk. I owed you an explanation, an apology. And I needed to know that you're ok. So this is my attempt at an olive branch. I don't deserve it, but I hope we can find a way to be friends again in some way. And maybe you will forgive me even though I will never forgive myself. You are an amazing person, an incredible, caring cop, nobody could hope for a better partner, and you have touched the lives of so many people both personally and professionally. I know I was never the same after being lucky enough to be a part of your life.
El
Tears trickled down her face. Validation. He hadn't forgotten her or stopped caring. He was sorry. He wanted her back in his life. She wiped the tears away and took a deep breath. She had needed this. She needed to see him, to talk to him. But he was distracted. He wasn't in a place to talk yet.
They tried again in her car. And she saw the surprise on his face when he realized that she still cared about him. Like she could ever stop? You mean the world to me, he had said, the words filling her heart at the same time he pushed her away. In the past she would have pushed back. But her heart wasn't ready for that. She needed time to believe he meant what he said. He needed to earn her trust back.
She gave him space as she worried. When Kathleen approached her to assist with the intervention she couldn't say no. Just his kids and herself. The most important people in his life. They knew it. They needed her as much as he did. She loved those kids like her own, and it had hurt to lose them, too, when he had left. But she resisted trying to stay in touch with them, to hear about him. It would have been too hard.
Then I love you. Simple, honest, raw. It caught her more off guard that he said it in front of his kids, but they didn't seem surprised, they didn't hold it against her. He realized through the fog he was in that he shouldn't have spoken. He tried to correct it. He was lost, and she couldn't reach him. It hurt to not be able to help him. But something finally got through to him, and he got the help he needed. The I love you echoing through her mind, knowing it was still not the time to discuss it. But as he dealt with his grieving and PTSD she could see his mind was clearing. She began to feel in sync with him again. And she noticed the gestures. He would hold open doors, pull out her chair, help her with her coat, and most of all, he would give her respect to handle herself – not just rush in and try to save her as he would have in the past. They had both grown and changed in the past ten years. And they both wanted to find a way back to each other.
Fin's and Phoebe's celebration had felt like a turning point for them. Elliot still had healing to do- they both did. But his crusade to avenge Kathy's death and put Wheatley behind bars had come to fruition. And he could finally relax. He could start to move on. She tried not to show her relief that he was hunting for apartments. That was he staying. He wasn't leaving her again. The night felt magical and everyone coupled off to spend time with their significant other. Nobody questioned that Liv and Elliot would be keeping each other company. It was such a cathartic night for everyone, a celebration after a year of isolation, and she allowed herself to feel happier than she had in a long time. She felt close to him that night, flirty even. They were one of the last ones to leave the restaurant, reluctant to end the night. His hand had slipped into hers as he walked with her to the parking garage, a comfortable silence as they enjoyed the late crisp spring air.
"How about lunch on Fridays?" he proposed as they approached her car. "We need time to catch up." He smiled warmly as he squeezed her hand and slowly let go. She returned his smile and felt her eyes sparkling. "I'd like that." He nodded and stood awkwardly a minute before saying a hasty goodbye and heading to his car. But she couldn't stop smiling the rest of the night.
And so Fridays became their day to meet. Sometimes work got in the way, sometimes it ended up being a quick greeting over a cup of coffee, or hanging out the park watching Noah play ball, and as time went on, playing ball with Noah, getting to know him, Liv feeling proud that the two most important men in her life were becoming close. Sometimes Eli came along and acted like a big brother to Noah. He taught him soccer moves, played Minecraft with him, and teased him good naturedly. They even shared a few big family meals at Maureen's. No one questioned Liv's presence or seemed to resent her relationship with their dad- whatever it might be.
Anyone who saw them together might have assumed they were married and probably would have expressed disbelief if told they weren't officially an item. His friendship back in her life made her feel complete again, like half of her had been missing during his absence. It wasn't lost on her colleagues, either, to point out to her that seemed so happy lately, that the spark was back in her eyes, and she felt it. She felt like herself again. But one thing was different. The touches. The way his hand stayed at the small of her back as they walked, the way he would hold her hand at the table before their food arrived, the way he'd come up behind her and rub her shoulders, and the way his arm draped around her if they sat together on the couch- as they were doing now, relaxing, quietly talking, about nothing, Noah spending the night at a friend's, so it was just the two of them, enjoying each other's closeness.
She rested her head against his shoulder, content, eyes closed. He had been telling her about a café he used to frequent in Rome and the characters he saw dining there. She listened to the soothing sound of his voice, half asleep after a busy week at work.
"You still awake?" he asked softly, and she smiled. She squeezed his hand that had been resting on her knee, and she felt him pick it up lightly, his thumb caressing her wrist. She felt so safe and loved at that moment. Over the months they had caught up with each other's lives. He knew Noah's whole story and everything about him, and she learned what his kids had been up to over the years. He had actually laughed when she told him that she had been dating Cassidy. His reaction to Tucker was certainly surprise, but he knew he had no right to judge so he held back from his criticism, especially when she described how he had died. They felt closer than they ever had. But as he stroked her wrists he finally drew up the courage to ask her a question that had been on his mind.
"Liv… Can I ask you something?"
"Hm?" she mumbled sleepily.
"What happened?" he asked gently.
She looked up at him confused for a moment, then followed his gaze to her wrists. Her long sleeves normally covered the evidence of her days of terror held captive by William Lewis. It often seemed like a distant nightmare that didn't really happen. But the scars leftover from her ordeal were a constant reminder that it hadn't been just imagination. Proud battle scars of a survivor, she told herself, even as she preferred long sleeves to cover the evidence. But though they had discussed nearly everything from the last ten years, she hadn't been able to bring herself to face this with him.
Reluctantly, she sat upright and slowly pulled away. His concerned look made her avoid his gaze. It was time. She knew this conversation had to happen, no matter how much it would hurt for her to relive it and him to hear it knowing he wasn't there for her when she had needed him most.
"Elliot," she started quietly as she looked down at her hands resting on her lap, not wanting to face him. "This happened years ago. You were in Italy by then."
"They look like ligature marks. Like," his voice choked a little, "like you were struggling to get loose."
She nodded and sighed in acceptance. This conversation was happening. "Handcuffs," she confirmed and looked him in the eyes. "I was handcuffed to a bed."
She could see his face trying to stay calm, but he seemed to suddenly get pale and his hands clenched as he tried to calm his breathing. "Who?" was all he could manage to say.
She went into cop mode and she clinically described the cases they had been investigating, the things the perp had done to his victims, and her subsequent abduction. Her voice didn't waiver until she talked about how he forced her to watch as he tortured, raped, and killed one of his victims. "I was so helpless."
Silence filled the room, and Elliot got up and paced. He had that I'm ready to punch a hole in the wall look to him, and she remained quiet until he came and sat back down next to her. "He hurt you?"
"I never saw myself as a victim before," she told him reflectively. "I thought I was still in control. I thought I could talk him down, I could get away. But nothing worked. It just made him more angry. I was afraid to sleep, he'd shove water down my throat to make sure I stayed alive, while he told me in very specific details what he had planned for me. I've never felt such… terror. He was capable of anything."
His head was resting on his hands as he took it all in. "What did he do to you?" barely audible.
"He was adept at psychological torture," she commented wryly. "Physically… he beat me, cut me, burned me…" she had gone over her story so many times with police and at the trial. "I didn't know if I was going to make it out of there alive."
He looked at her, pain in his eyes. "Did he…. ?"
She shook her head. "He was going to... He… did a lot of things to me that I would rather forget."
Guilt filled his face. "I should have been there. I-"
"No…" she cut him off before he could go on. "I know if you had heard about it, you would have been there. No doubts." She grabbed his hand. "I felt you there with me. You were keeping me strong. I heard your voice in my head, telling me to keep fighting, that I was going to make it out of there. And I knew I had to do it. For myself. For Noah." Her voice cracked, and tears began to stream down her face at the thought of not being there for her son. He could no longer hold back his own tears and he pulled her into a tight hug.
"I'm so sorry. That should never have happened to you."
"It should never happen to anyone."
They held each other for awhile before pulling slightly apart. He wiped a stray tear from her eye. "And look at you," he commented with small smile. "You are so strong, and so brave. You went back to work, still in SVU, even after what happened to you."
"With some PTSD," she added. "And a new understanding… a new empathy for our victims."
He nodded. "What happened to him?"
"Dead," she replied. "I beat the living crap out of him when I got away, thought I killed him. But he made it through. The trial was hard. And after all that he managed to escape a few months later and go after me again." Elliot gasped in disbelief. She continued before he could reply. "He didn't hurt me that time. But he also didn't give me the satisfaction of locking him up again- he put a bullet in his own head."
He got a determined look on his face. "I want to see the case files."
"No," she replied firmly. He looked surprised. She continued, "You do not need to have those images stuck in your head. He's dead. It's over." Her tone softened as she rested her hand on his knee. "I know. It's a lot to process. I've had years to deal with this, and I'm really ok. I know you feel like you should have been there, but my team worked their asses off to find me."
"I would have found you sooner. I would have killed that sonofabitch."
She smiled knowingly. "I have no doubt you would have done more than just kill him."
He tried to return her smile but it was only semi successful. He held her gaze. "Leaving was the biggest mistake of my life. I shouldn't have left the job. I shouldn't have left New York. But mostly I shouldn't have left you. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about it. I pictured you happy, moving on… I didn't let myself think that you could be in trouble. I couldn't let my mind go there."
"I know," she sighed. "You think I wasn't worried about you this whole time? I hoped you were happy, that you found what you were looking for… Oh, I did get your note with your medallion and shield. It helped."
"I had to let you know I was thinking about you… I didn't know if you'd even want it."
She smiled warmly and squeezed his knee. "I wore the medallion for a few years, never took it off. I felt like you were still there looking out for me. Then there was a vic… I felt like she needed it more than I did. I realized then that I had finally let you go."
"And I showed up and turned your life upside down again."
"Yes." She smiled teasingly. "But here we are. And life feels better."
Their eyes stayed focused on each other as Elliot gently brushed a stray hair from her face. He left his hand resting on her cheek and she leaned into it, closing her eyes, savoring his touch. She felt him inch closer, his warm breath on her face. "Liv."
The last barrier had been broken. Nothing else was standing in their way. It was time to start the next chapter in their lives together. His lips pressed softly against hers, and they melted together. She never wanted this touch to end.