AN: It was actually me daydreaming of scenes from this section of the story that inspired me to write this whole 'what-if' scenario in the first place.
VI. Virmire II
How the commander wasn't beside herself with grief right now, Ashley would never know. She thought as much as the two sat in the sickbay, getting patched up by Dr. Chakwas, who had, begrudgingly, agreed to let the team hold their mission debriefing there.
Williams had suffered a wound to her abdomen, which surely would have been fatal if not for her heavy armor and its medical interface. When her team had been overwhelmed by Saren's geth at the bomb site, the shrapnel from an exploding gas tank had lodged itself deep in one of her armor's weak points above the cuisse. But at the moment, that wasn't what cut the gunnery chief the deepest.
"How could we just leave him down there?" Williams heard herself ask.
"There was no time," Shepard answered. "The bomb was about to go off. I had to choose."
"It should have been me, Commander. You know that. Alenko was the superior officer. I would have gladly stayed behind."
"I'm sorry, Ash, but I couldn't leave you. You know that."
She felt her stomach twist in sickening knots, because she had known; of course she had known. As soon as she'd heard the lieutenant over the comm — "Belay that! We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Williams." — she'd known already what the commander would do. Maybe that had been why she'd armed the nuke. Told Shepard to grab Alenko and the remaining Salarians and just get the hell out of there. Been a little bit reckless and a little bull-headed, and not noticed when the small emergency fire suppressant tank had knocked over and begun to shriek beside her.
But, of course, the commander hadn't left her behind. Hadn't gone and picked up the LT. She couldn't have. Shepard had too cool of a head to let sentiment – maybe even love – come between her and the mission. And, whether Williams liked it or not, despite how it tore at her, the truth was she was just far too valuable of an asset to lose. Especially then, with new visions fresh in her head from the beacon discovered deep in the heart of Saren's facility.
Kaidan's last words to her echoed in her mind: "It's the right choice and you know it, Ash."
Damn Saren, she told herself, Damn the geth. And Benezia. Damn the Council for not believing Commander Shepard about the visions. Damn Sovereign and all the other Reapers, too. Damn them all straight to hell.
"I… I know," she answered, finally, and not sure if her wince was from the pain as Dr. Chakwas began work on her gut injury, or from the sting of the words as they clawed their way out her mouth, "I just can't believe he didn't make it."
Shepard lowered her head and said softly, "I can't, either."
The air seemed heavy and scarce in the room after that. Under the low, sateralizing lights of the medical bay, a long silence passed as they all became more acquainted with the idea of Lt. Alenko's absence. After which time Dr. T'Soni — who had, until then, been silently putting her first aid training to work assisting Garrus and Tali patch themselves up with dextro-compliant medical supplies — stood and said: "Commander? Excuse me for interrupting, but… the beacon you found in Saren's base? I think it was similar to the one you found on Eden Prime, correct?"
"Looked about the same to me, yeah."
The commander looked over to Ashley, who nodded in confirmation. It sure split my head open like the last one did, she thought.
"Then it may be that it filled in some of the missing pieces of Chief Williams' visions. I might be able to help put all those pieces together."
"You want to join minds again with her, don't you?" the commander asked.
T'Soni gave a nod, and then her gaze fell to Williams, as did the commander's.
The chief felt herself grow queazy at the thought of another joining. The last time she'd let T'Soni go spelunking through her head, the experience had been a rollercoaster of relived horrors. Mixes of foreign, feral imagery – entire planets being destroyed and eldritch monsters – woven together by memories of the 212 and Eden Prime colonists being slaughtered by droves of the geth. The thought of enduring that again now, with fresh memories of Alenko's demise festering in her mind like a gaping wound, was too much to bear.
"I can't," she said, softly. "I can't right now. I'm sorry." She hated how weak she sounded, how selfish she felt, letting her own exhaustion and pride get in the way of the mission. But she just couldn't stand the humiliating thought of having to bear her hurt just then – naked and raw. Especially knowing as she did that T'Soni lacked the technical skills to parse things out well enough to get none of those personal feelings when they joined.
She knows she's fighting dirty when she looks up at the asari from hooded lids and implores her, "Don't make me. Not right now. Please."
Both T'Soni and Shepard seem taken aback by the uncharacteristically vulnerable nature of the plea. Surprised by the tenderness in Chief William's tone, Liara draws her eyebrows up and her lips form a small, soundless "o." The commander, for her part, averts her gaze before clearing her throat and addressing the remaining crew members, all of whom were now patched up and in need of no further medical attention.
"We're done here, for now," she says to them, "Dismissed."
As Wrex, Tali, and Vakarian filter out of the room, the commander affords a quick glance back at the gunnery chief. "I'll check back in later," is all she says before exiting. Probably off to give her spectre report to the council. Even Dr. Chakwas has made herself scarce, having gone off to the far corner of the room by her desk to type up her clinical notes on her patients.
And, for a moment, Ashley thinks the trick might just have worked. Dr. T'Soni wavers, but then, after a tentative moment, sits down on the cot next to her. She reaches over and takes Williams' hand gently in hers and looks at her with those kind, endlessly blue eyes and says in a voice as soft and gentle as surf running over sand on a beach at midnight: "You helped me with the loss of Benezia. Please, let me help you now. If not with the loss of Lt. Alenko, then at the very least with the success of the mission. So that his sacrifice will not have been in vain."
Damn, Williams thinks, the doc fights dirty, too.
Slowly, she looks up and meets T'Soni's gaze.
Asari irises aren't the same as humans', Williams finds herself thinking. She was only noticing it now. Beyond just the fantastic colors, the shape was ever so slightly different. Probably to allow for whatever happens to them when they go all creepy, coal-eyed, she reasons. After holding that gentle gaze for a long, pregnant moment, the chief looks away and feels a heat rising along the back of her neck and around her ears. Why the hell are you blushing? she asks herself, and finds she has no answer.
She pulls her hand out from under the doctor's. "I'm…" she starts to say 'afraid,' but the word catches in her throat, and she swallows it back down. Too proud to say it, aloud.
"I'm worried," she settles on at last, and looks up to find the doctor eyeing her, curiously. "I can't keep it separate," she elaborates, "The visions, and what happened to Kaidan. You said you can't help seeing them if I can't sort it all out, but I can't just compartmentalize this. Not while it's all so fresh." She shakes her head and turns away. "I'm going to fight it. I know I am. And I can't help it. You said humans naturally resist the joining, and I'm sure my subconscious isn't the overly helpful kind, even on the best of days."
"If you are worried that I won't be unable to penetrate your defenses, chief, there is no need."
Please don't ever mention penetrating me, again, she wants to say, but fears with their track record the doctor would fail to register the comment as a joke — nothing more than a crude innuendo to mask the gunnery chief's very real discomfort at the inherent intimacy of their necessary union. And the doctor deserved better than her snide remarks. She'd been nothing but kind and supportive since the moment she'd arrived on the Normandy. And how had Williams repaid her so far?
"It is exhausting, yes, but you'll find I'm quite capable," T'Soni continues, unaware of the inner dialogue the chief was having with herself, "And I am not looking for a protector."
Something in her tone makes Williams wonder if she struck a nerve and wounded the asari's pride. "It's not that," she says, "It's just…" Words fail her, and she trails off. I'm not a words person, she thinks, Other people say what I mean better than I do. But unfortunately for them both, neither Whitman nor Tennyson had ever written a poem about an alien mind-reader having to sift through their memories in the hopes of uncovering the secrets to thwarting a race of mechanical horrors from destroying all advanced life in the galaxy.
For a moment, Ashley wonders what the rhyme scheme for that might look like.
Liara pulls her from her rumination when she asks, "Chief Williams, what is it you find so troubling about the joining?"
"Like you have to ask?" Ashley says, laughing at the incredulity of the question.
"I suppose not. Humans seem to value their privacy quite highly," the archeologist says, leaning back slightly to consider the question, herself, "I recognize that we do not yet know each other that well, but is there really something so terrible about letting someone – a comrade – see your grief?"
"It isn't like that," Williams jumps to answer, until something makes her stop herself and reconsider. "Or, I don't know, maybe it is." She shakes her head. "It's just tough when it's all so raw. If we just had more time."
She looks up and sees the doctor nodding, her deep, inhumanly blue eyes wide with sorrow and compassion.
Williams sighs. "But we don't, do we?"
T'Soni shakes her head.
"Alright." She takes a breath and steals herself. "Do it."
"Relax, chief. Embrace eternity."
Williams watches as the asari's eyes go black and she feels an intense pressure at her temples and the base of her skull before her vision bursts with a flurry of disjointed images. She tries to stay focused. Think of only the mission. The beacon. Saren, that big, ugly motherfucker who had gotten Shepard by the throat and nearly broke her neck. Watching helplessly as she tried to hold off geth shock troopers as long as possible, hunched over the nuke, taking damage, fading fast…
Then suddenly the thought is there; a memory that catches her attention and snags itself on her mind: Alenko.
Alenko on the other side of the facility. Alenko in hot water, without a commanding officer. Working with soldiers he'd only just met and knowing that no backup was coming. That they'd abandoned him. "Now it gets fun!" she'd heard him mutter to himself over the comm.
And then, in the middle of this recalled moment that caused such aching guilt inside Williams — consumed her waking mind and forced itself to be heard, even now, at the most inopportune of times – there was abruptly something wrong with the memory. As if an image were being superimposed over the scene: an old but not unattractive asari matriarch, dressed in yellow and with familiar looking eyes.
But just as quickly, the image was gone, and Williams is being swallowed up again by the sights and sounds of Virmire. Of the beacon. Of Sovreign's deadly words to the commander: 'Our numbers will darken the skies of every world. You cannot escape your doom.'
As the joining ends, these thoughts still linger in Williams' mind.
She blinks several times as her vision clears and discovers Dr. T'Soni standing somewhat unsteady next to the bed and holding her palm up against the side of her head. "Incredible," she hears her mumble, "The images are so intense and vivid. I need a moment to collect myself."
"You and me both. What did you see? Did the visions make any sense to you?"
"It was a distress call, a message sent out across the Prothean Empire. A warning against the Reapers, but one that came too late."
"That's it?" the gunnery chief pressed on, "Anything else? What about the Conduit?"
"There were other images," T'Soni answered, hesitantly as her eyes flicked back and forth. "Locations. Places I recognized from my research…"
Her eyes grew wide, and she snapped her head up, exclaiming, "Ilos! The Conduit is on Ilos! That is why Saren needed to find the Mu Relay! It is the only way to get there."
"Are you sure?" Williams asked her, "You never mentioned Ilos before."
"There was never any reason to," the doctor explained, "The Mu Relay links to dozens of systems and hundreds of worlds. How was I to have known Ilos was the one we wanted? And without the Cipher and a less corrupted version of the beacon's message, your visions were never clear. I only now recognize them as landmarks from Ilos."
"Alright," Williams says, "Alright, Ilos. I'll tell the commander."
She stands to leave but Liara stops her. "Saren will have his entire fleet orbiting Ilos. Even someone as talented as the commander will never make it down to the surface without reinforcements. We must alert the Council. We will need a fleet to— to, ohh…" She trails off suddenly and begins to sway before catching herself and settling back against the cot. The gunnery chief notices Dr. Chakwas eyeing them, inconspicuously, waiting to see if this requires her attention.
"It's just the joining," T'Soni says, "It's exhausting. I need a moment."
They stand quietly for a time, collecting themselves. Dr. Chakwas' attention is drawn back to her computer terminal.
"Why do you say that thing, every time?" Williams finds herself asking, suddenly. Maybe just to fill the silence.
"I'm sorry?"
"When you join our minds, you say 'embrace eternity.' Like your mom's disciple did on Feros. Only she had a bunch of other stuff she said before it."
Liara turns and for a moment looks somewhat embarrassed. "It is shorthand. Benezia would chastise me for not saying it in completion. It does not surprise me Shiala was more thorough in her practice."
"What is it?"
"It is said before a joining. It is the philosophy that guides us in our telepathic practices. A ritual, of sorts, I suppose."
"Do you need to say it to join with someone?"
"Not strictly speaking, no. But many asari find it comforting – helpful, even, in calming our minds and readying ourselves for the sometimes-daunting task of submerging ourselves in the consciousness of another."
"How does it go? Do you know the whole thing?"
T'Soni hums a brief laugh before closing her eyes and intoning: "Let go of your physical shell. Reach out to grasp the threads that bind us to one another. Every action sends ripples across the galaxy. Every idea must touch another mind to live. Each emotion must mark another's spirit. We are all connected. Every living being united in a single, glorious existence. Open yourself to the universe. Embrace eternity."
She blinked a few times and Williams watched as her eyes shifted back to their usual white with irises and pupils. She wants to ask about that, too – how their eyes work and why they go black – but figures a quick extranet search would probably yield as adequate an answer. Instead, she says, "It's beautiful. I didn't really get a chance to appreciate it when Shiala said it to me. Got a little distracted by the whole dropping-fifty-thousand-years'-worth-of-ancestral-memories-into-my-headthing."
Dr. T'Soni again smirks briefly and shakes her head. "You could not know how jealous I am of your experiences."
Earlier in their acquaintanceship, a comment like that would have sent Ashley into a rage. In fact, it had. Now, however, she just asked, "Don't you have them now, too? Since we did the whatever?" She points from her temple to T'Soni's.
"Not exactly." Liara settles with her arms crossed and Williams notices as her fingers fiddle with a loose string on her jumpsuit. "The memories are yours. I am just observing them for a time. Once the bond is broken, their details fade more quickly from my mind than they would from yours. Like listening to an echo."
"Huh," Williams muses, unsure what to do with this information. Then, almost as an afterthought, she recalls something. "That reminds me. Something went funny this time towards the end when we joined. I saw something that I didn't remember seeing before. An asari? She was dressed like a matriarch."
Liara looks momentarily puzzled by this, then her eyes grow large, and she raises up her hands to cover her face. "Oh!" she says, "Oh. Oh, goddess!"
"What? What is it? Are you alright?" she turns to flag down Dr. Chakwas, but feels a soft touch on her arm as Liara draws her back in.
"No, it is not that. I'm alright. This is just… embarrassing."
"Embarrassing?" Williams quirks a brow as she turns back around and finds Liara's entire face and what she can see of her neck swallowed up in the deepest blush she's seen from her yet — which was saying quite a lot, seeing as their conversations seemed to often lead to the haplessly-awkward young asari blushing. "Don't pop a blood vessel, doc. What's going on?"
"I- … that image, that memory… was mine," Liara explained.
"Yours?"
"Yes."
"I didn't know that could happen."
"It… was not supposed to. Deeper unions, where memories and thoughts are passed between two minds, are possible, yes, but they go far beyond an ordinary meld. These connections are… more personal. It is an exchange my people do not enter into lightly."
"And you did that," Ashley pressed, suspiciously, "by accident? With me. Just now."
"No!" the asari answered far too quickly as her blush continued to burn, "Oh, no! That was not–! What I meant to say was that was only the start of a deeper connection forming. A true union is… unlike any other experience. It… transcends. Two individuals become one. Thoughts, senses, memories, emotions – all intertwine themselves together. Entangled in a singular whole."
Ashley blinked.
"It's, uhm…" Liara trails off and averts her gaze. "So I'm told, at least. I've never…"
Then Williams got it.
"Oh!" she says, actually taking a small step back in surprise. "So that's how you guys…?" She made a crude motion with her hands.
Liara winced. "It is not quite so… tawdry. But yes. However, that is not what we just- what I just- that is not what happened."
Williams heard the med bay door open and turned to see Dr. Chakwas exiting, apparently having had enough of the secondhand embarrassment. For a moment, the gunnery chief was almost jealous of her.
She turned back around to see Liara was frowning with her eyes still downcast. "I had been trying so hard to focus on getting to your memories of the beacon. To not intrude on any other aspects of your mind. But when you thought of Lt. Alenko, and I felt what you'd felt, I just-," she bit her lower lip as she hunted for the words, "It reminded me a great deal of Benezia. And my memory of her just… slipped through."
So that's who that was, Ashley thought, Benezia, before she was in Soverign's thrall. No wonder she looked so familiar.
"As soon as I realized what happened, I withdrew. It was only a slip, nothing nearly so deep as to be considered a fully-fledged – well... But I still – I'm sorry, chief. Please believe, it will not happen by accident again."
Williams takes a moment to take in all that she's been told, along with the truly remorseful and almost horrifiedlook on the asari's features. After a pause, she sighs and says, "It's okay. I get it — sort of, anyway. We're both still grieving. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been to comb over and not connect to."
"I am relieved that you are not angry with me," the asari says, quietly. "I was afraid you would be."
It's not undeserved, but Williams nonetheless feels a pang of guilt at the admission. "I think," she says a bit ruefully, "Maybe, for once, I'm just too tired to be angry."
The two laugh a little halfheartedly.
"Anyway," Williams says with a wave of her hand as she straightens back up, "with any luck, we won't have to do a meld ever again. Hopefully that intel on Ilos is all we'll need to stop Saren."
Liara winces slightly at this. Almost imperceivably. Williams might not have even noticed it if she hadn't spent so much time with her, as of late. And while she was still clearly mortified, the brief pain that flashed across her features seemed different, here. This both surprises and confuses Williams, until she remembers yet another memory she has of Alenko. And the realization hits her like a brick.
Fuck. That rumor.
Williams slowly returns herself to leaning against the cot. Liara pointedly will not look her in the eye.
"T'Soni…" she says, tentatively.
The asari looks up at her, expression wary.
"You're-… you don't have a little thing for me, do you?"
And the blush was back. Nearly full force. And Ashley felt a smaller, sympathetic one growing about her neck and cheeks in response.
"You do," she said. It wasn't a question.
"Yes."
Williams hears herself groan. "But why?"
The doctor laughs and shakes her head. "You give yourself far too little credit. You… intrigue me, Williams," she answers, "As I may have mentioned before. But I was unsure if it was appropriate to act on my feelings."
Ashley just stares at her, still a bit dumbfounded.
"Relationships – human ones, in particular – are still very much a mystery to me. I'd never really thought of it much, myself. Not before meeting you. I had always been so involved in my research." She looks off. "I had been observing the commander's relationship with Lieutenant Alenko."
Ashley sighed, pieces falling into place in her mind. How had she not seen this before? "You asked me about if their relationship wouldn't have been a problem if one of them wasn't military."
Liara nodded. Ashley put her head in her hands.
"I am sorry if this is awkward for you, chief. I'm only trying to be honest."
"No, I know. I get it." She looks up but says no more. Her own words have yet again failed her.
"I know our beginning was difficult," Liara says, and the chief has to stop herself from laughing at such a hulking understatement, "But I felt as though, recently, we had begun to share some type of… connection."
Williams stares at her for a long, long while. She swallows hard.
"T'Soni, I… I can't think about this right now. I'm sorry." She feels the room spinning and takes several deep breaths. "This is all just too much, you know? Right now, at least. We're fighting Saren. We just lost a friend. You just lost your mom. A few months ago, I'd never even worked with an alien before, let alone—" she shakes her head and starts to stammer, "I- I can't…"
Liara nods. "I know. This is all… rather strange. I have argued as much with myself these past several weeks. Asked myself why I had such strong feelings towards you. Why I felt so close to you. It is all a bit overwhelming. And I think we could both… use some time."
"Yeah," Williams agrees. She feels strangely lightheaded as she takes a few steps back and lingers by the door. "Yeah, I think that's a good idea. When we – when this is all over, maybe we can…"
T'Soni nods. "I would like that."
"Alright. I'm just going to go and tell Shepard about Ilos." She thumbs over her shoulder. "I-… I'll see you around, doc."
The asari watches her leave and Williams nearly trips over the threshold out of the medical bay. As the doors close behind her, she stands briefly in front of the mess hall and tries to take stock of how she's feeling and what the hell had just happened.
Even when Lt. Alenko had teased her the other evening, she hadn't really considered what to make of things if the rumor had been true. Now, knowing that it was, Williams found her head a tangle of questions and concerns. Was there a mutual attraction, as Liara had suggested? Could she be with an alien? What would that even be like? The chief feels the features of her face go screwy for an instant as she wondered, What are asari even like? Does the carpet match the drapes?
She quickly becomes overwhelmed by the endless stream of uncertainties and tries to put the thoughts to rest for now. At least until she can find Shepard and update her on the information from the beacon.
The hunt doesn't last long. She looks around and finds the commander standing just across the way, by Kaidan's old spot opposite the med bay. She approaches. Shepard is slowly tracing her fingers over the terminal, wearing a thousand-yard stare in place of any discernible expression.
"Skipper?"
"Williams." She doesn't look up. "What can I do for you?"
"T'Soni managed to recognize some of the landmarks from the beacon. She says Saren and his forces will be heading to Ilos. But we're going to need Citadel reinforcements before heading to the Mu Relay."
Shepard nods. "I'll have Joker forward the mission update to the Council. Hopefully they'll see reason this time." She looks up at the chief finally, "Is there anything else?"
Williams shakes her head. "How're you holding up, Skipper?"
Shepard gives her a tired laugh, "Isn't that supposed to be my line?"
"I know what you and the LT had—"
Shepard raises her hand and cuts her off before she can finish the thought. "Fraternization is against regulations, chief. Don't ask, don't tell."
The callback punches the gunnery chief right in the gut. "Right. Yeah, of course. I only wanted to say I'm sorry for anything I may have said back on Virmire, commander. I just— I don't want any deaths on my hands."
"Williams, listen to me: I'm in command of this mission. I made the call. He's dead because of me."
"No," the chief fought back, "He's dead because I got the visions on Eden Prime. If I'd been more careful and hadn't somehow activated that first beacon…"
"Ash," the commander says, stopping her — and the gunnery chief is surprised to hear Shepard use her first name, used as infrequently as it was in military settings. "How far are you going to drive yourself? Are you trying to be a martyr? To redeem your grandfather's honor?"
Williams' breath catches in her throat. So the commander did know about her family history.
"That's not fair, Commander," she starts.
"No, what the military and the public did to your grandfather was unfair. But I don't want to lose another good soldier over it. We need you, Williams." She steps closer and takes Ashley by the shoulders. "Listen to me. What happened back there was my decision. Not yours. But one day, it'll be the type of decision you'll have to make. And you will make it, soldier.
"Do you know why Anderson put you on this ship? Not because he felt sorry for you about the 212, or because we just needed what was in your head about the Reapers, but because he saw something in you. And I see it, too. Ash, you have proved yourself time and time again during this mission. You're a good soldier, with good instincts, and a good heart. And the Alliance is lucky to have you. I'm lucky to have you. We lost Kaidan to Saren, and you better believe I'm going to make that damned son-of-a-bitch pay for it when we finally catch up to him. But I'm not losing you to ghosts of your family's past."
Ashley blinked a few times. "Yes, ma'am," she says at last, "I'm— we'll get it done."
"You got to stop looking behind you, soldier. It's time to start looking ahead."
Ashley shakes her head slowly as Shepard lets her go. "It's funny. I don't have any fear of dying for the Alliance. But when I think of someone dying for me…" She eyes the commander for a long moment. "If you, uh, don't mind my asking, commander: how did you get over the losses on Akuze?"
Shepard lets a brief puff of air out her nose in a near-silent laugh. "You never get over it, Williams. Not really…" she trails off for a moment, expression grim and tone bleak, "You just learn to cherish the people you care about, and who care about you, now, while you have them."
Briefly, Shepard's eyes drift first to the vacant workstation they stood beside, and then over towards the far side of the room. Towards where through the wall lay the rear of the sickbay. Her gaze shifts then to Williams, who holds her stare before giving a somewhat startled look at the implication of her commander's words. Shepard sighs and pats the chief on the shoulder a couple of times before heading off in the direction of the captain's quarters.
"Now, if you don't mind, Chief, I'd like to take some time to myself. You should do the same. We've got a few hours until we report back to the Citadel. It's going to take a hell of a lot of convincing to get Udina and the Council to amass a fleet to deal with Saren and his geth. Get some rest. Read a book. Clear your head. Whatever you need. Because I'm going to need everybody at their best."
"Aye, aye, commander. You'll have it."
Shepard got in the elevator, and Williams is left standing in an empty hallway next to a computer terminal displaying a screen that asked for a passcode to a user account that would be scrubbed from the computer's database during the ship's next dry dock.
"Little—less—nothing!—and that ended it.
No more to build on there. And they, since they
Were not the one dead, turned to their affairs."
-'Out, Out—'
Robert Frost
AN: One kind reader in the comments asked me if I was planning to continue this alt canon into the rest of the series. I've just started replaying ME2. I am trying to decide how the story might move forward beyond 1. I'm not sure yet, but please let me know if that's something you'd be interested in reading.