VIII. The Mu Relay / Before Ilos
Williams stood by the back of the cockpit behind Joker, watching as they sped off in the direction of the relay. She didn't know how Shepard and Anderson had managed it, but somehow they'd gotten the locks off the Normandy, and the next thing anyone knew it the crew were mutineers and a course was set for Ilos. She'd find out later that Anderson had headbutted a turian C-Sec officer and gotten shot in the leg but still managed to get the ship cleared for takeoff before the guards could take him down. "Tough old bastard!" she'd say when someone finally told her the story, and she'd remind herself to buy the guy a bottle of brandy next time she was back on Earth.
"Hey, you want to do something useful back there, Chief? Cause scowling at it doesn't make the FTL drive go any faster, or we would have brought Garrus up here a while ago." A jeer from Joker roused her from her contemplative state. "Why don't you go grab me a drink or something from the mess hall? I didn't exactly get the chance to order take-out before Anderson's message came through."
Williams scoffed. "What's the matter, Joker? Performance anxiety?"
"Nah, just worried you'll fog up the glass if you keep up that icy stare. Windshield wipers aren't exactly standard issue on these things, in case you didn't know."
"Yeah, alright. You could have just asked nicely."
"Not my style."
If she wasn't worried it would fracture the man's skull, she might have knocked him upside the head on her way out for good measure. She shot one last glance over her shoulder as the Citadel grew faint out the side window before she headed off towards the stairs by the CIC. The bridge looked like a ghost ship. She and Liara had only managed to contact a fraction of the crew before they'd had to take off. A part of her was thankful for that fact. Almost anyone assigned to the Normandy would have followed Shepard to hell and back, but it was better this way. They had just enough men to run the ship and man the away mission planned, but if they died trying to take down Saren and his Geth, some of the crew left on the space station might live to help with the oncoming Reaper invasion.
The chief was nonetheless restless. She'd tried to sleep, tossing and turning in her cot in vain hope of catching some rest before the ship arrived in the Refuge System, but when fortune failed to strike after several hours, Williams eventually got up and fumbled in the dark for a fresh uniform. After a cold shower, she sat up in the crew common area near the mess, playing solitaire with the deck of cards she'd stolen from Alenko months ago. But something tore at Ashley's heart, and she failed to invest herself in her game. For an instant when a shadow passed over her some absentee part of her mind thought it was the L.T., but instead looked up and was – for the second time that evening – surprised to see Dr. T'Soni standing in front of her. She looked nervous. Not that she ever didn't, exactly.
"You alright, doc?"
The archeologist's face contorted into a grimace.
"You wanna talk about it?"
Wringing her hands together, she answered, "Yes, but... not here."
Ashley looked around. There was nobody else in the small space, but shrugged and offered, "Your room behind medical?"
When T'Soni nodded and wordlessly turned to the exit, Williams quickly packed away the deck and followed behind as she was led back to the now familiarly cramped pseudo-storage room. The doctor had failed to give the room much of a personal touch other than the addition of some toiletries, which she kept in a small bag on the floor by the cot, a bag in the corner for laundry, and a few tablets strewn across the shelf the doctor had turned into a makeshift work desk. Williams absent-mindedly reached for one and skimmed the words as they appeared on screen, only to find it nearly incomprehensible. Something about turian physiology. From the looks of it, T'Soni had been struggling to keep busy in those final hours before Ilos, herself.
"I'd just been thinking about you when you found me," Williams said as she set the tablet down and the screen switched back off.
"I have been thinking about you, too," T'Soni answered, "And what we are about to face."
"Yeah, about that…" Williams ran her hand across the back of her neck as she worried her bottom lip. After brief deliberation, she felt a coil of nerves tangle in her gut and she took a step closer. "Listen, T'Soni," she began, "What I said back on the Wards? About figuring us out? I meant it. I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to get to know, and I don't know where exactly we were going with this, or what you might have wanted out of it, but—"
Ashley's breath caught in her throat, and she was briefly stunned into silence.
Liara looked abruptly nervous as she pulled away. "…Perhaps my understanding of human relationships is still prone to inaccuracy. Was that not an appropriate reaction?"
Williams fumbled for her words. "No, I, I don't- I mean-… You just kissed me?"
"Yes." she said. "I was under the impression that you would appreciate a more straightforward sign of my affections. And I am unfamiliar with most earth poetry."
A startled laugh escaped her lips before Williams could stop it.
"Was I incorrect? Was that not a proper response?"
She laughed again, still shocked, before she slowly started to shake her head. "No, that was, er- … Bold." She finally settled on the word as she looked up at Liara with a wide bewilderment in her eyes. Slowly, she broke out in a smile.
"I like bold," she told her.
"You do?"
She nodded, and hesitated – just a moment – as she felt another flitter from the butterflies in her stomach, before she rallied herself and reached out to gently kissed the doctor again. This time, prepared. What T'Soni's effort had lacked in prowess, it had made up for in pure tenacity. It had been fierce as she'd crushed her lips against the marine's, and her hands had gripped the front of Ashley's uniform, bunching it up a little as she drew her in close. Williams, on the other hand, when she kissed Liara, did so uncharacteristically soft and slow. Tentative. Delicate. Her mouth opened and she gently swept her tongue against soft lips, and felt the doctor's gently shiver. When she pulled back slightly and saw T'Soni eyeing her with wide-eyed wonder, a cocky and lopsided smirk tugged at her lips.
"Yeah," she said, and felt a breathy giggle slip through her defenses. "I do."
Boom goes my feminine mystique, Williams thought, sourly.
T'Soni's smile mirrored hers, though still managing to be far more demure and cautious. "I am uncertain I will be able to maintain the quality. I do not believe I am particularly bold most of the time."
Williams' smile only widened. "Give yourself some credit, doc. Exploring ancient ruins all on your own. Fighting off pirates and geth attacks…"
"I failed my efforts to fight off my geth attackers, as you may recall."
"Oh, that's right. Had to get saved by a glamorous and beautiful, bombshell marine and her commanding officers."
The doctor's eyes narrowed at her, but she failed to contain the self-deprecating smile that began to emerge when Ashley perked a brow in her direction.
"Something like that," she conceded.
"And now look at you," Williams went on, "A mutineer, sailing a stolen warship into the most hostile system in the galaxy."
"Perhaps you're rubbing off on me."
"Just call us the Milky Way's best and brightest."
Liara's smile is more kind than the joke deserves. "You say that, but I do not believe you mean it, even though you should."
As the jokes subsided, grief took up residence behind T'Soni's eyes.
"I am… sorry," she said as she looked off. When Williams stared at her with a puzzled expression, she went on: "That we do not have more time. To-" she paused and hunted for the words, "To show each other how we feel. When I think that these may be our last moments together, I- I wish I could- that is, I'm sure you…" She looked away, embarrassed, and Williams watched her blush. She seemed briefly on the verge of tears. Softly, T'Soni placed her hand against the place beneath her collarbone and she muttered, "I wish I could…"
"Whoa, hey-!" Williams said as she realized what the shy asari was failing to articulate. She reached out and took her hand in hers and softly stroked her thumb in circles against the back of her palm. She shook her head and offered up a shy smile of her own. "I don't know if I could- I mean, I don't think either of us is really ready for anything more right now. But, that's alright," she told her. "We're good. Just like this."
"Really?"
"Yeah, really," she assured, "It's enough. For right now. For tonight," and smiled, softly. "It's enough."
They ended up staying the night together, eventually moving to embrace on the small cot. No easy feat, as the damn thing was so small and rickety that Liara had to forgo the blanket and pillow just for there to be enough room for them each to lie down. And even then it was still more uncomfortable than the ones in the barracks. Ashley marveled at the fact Liara could have ever gotten any sleep on it, and vowed to find her a replacement that at least didn't have one of the legs shorter than the rest.
They held each other, gently, with Williams on her back and T'Soni somewhat draped across her, their legs a bit entwined as Ashley held one hand beneath her head in place of a pillow and with her other softly cupped the doctor's hand against her chest as Liara rested her head against the marine's shoulder. They lay content for awhile, occasionally drifting in and out of a hazy, dreamless sleep, though neither managed to stayed that way for very long.
They spoke about their families, their interests, the mission. Ashley recounted some stories of her sisters and Liara shared memories of her mother before they'd had their falling out. She told her about her education back on Thessia and her first dalliance with the mystery that was the Protheans. They spoke of faith and religion and art.
"What's Ilos like?" Williams asked, at one point. "Do you know anything about it?"
"It's presumed to be a wasteland, now, though no one can be certain. What we know of it since the loss of the Mu Relay is only through thousands of years of second-hand accounts. I have heard it referred to as akin to the human city of Troy. Spoken of by scholars and poets, but lost to time."
"Huh," Williams mused, "Fitting — 'For always roaming with a hungry heart, Much have I seen and known; cities of men And manners, climates, councils, governments, Myself not least, but honored of them all; And drunk delight of battle with my peers, Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy…'"
The doctor listened quietly, enraptured by the cadence of the gunnery chief's tone as well as the casual quotation. And while she may not have understood the references well to the Earth legends of old from which the poem was based, the gentle passion that Williams used as she painted over each well-worn syllable was as captivating as it was delicate. She watched as though Ashley had pulled back her skin and exposed to her, her very heart. Which, in a way, she supposed, she had.
"We don't stand a snowball's chance in Hell at this, do we?" Williams asked suddenly, without segue.
Liara shifted to look at her as her brow knit and she parroted the phrase with a confused lilt in her tone: "A 'snowball's chance in Hell'?"
"Human expression."
"Quite colorful."
"An archeologist's chance on Therum?"
T'Soni made a face and batted at Ashley with the back of her knuckles. Ashley chuckled as she parried the blow. "Too soon?"
"You humans do all consider yourselves rather amusing, don't you?"
She shrugged. "We make the most of it. We don't live as long as asari. Got to get in as many laughs as we can."
"That must be it."
Williams felt the lazy and lopsided grin on her face form and then slowly fade away. "I'm not wrong though, am I? You said yourself that Shepard was going to need a fleet to stop Saren on Ilos. If we could have done it with just the Normandy, we'd never have stopped off at the Citadel in the first place."
"I recall the commander mentioning that it was possible Saren still has contacts on the Citadel. Perhaps that fact could work in our favor in this case."
"You mean if Saren hears we got grounded he won't expect us to come after him?" She felt T'Soni nod against her chest where she'd laid her head. "I wouldn't count on it. Saren's been too careful up until now. He was a spectre, after all."
"Yes, but he is slowly losing his mind to indoctrination, and he and Sovereign could be growing desperate."
"I hope you're right."
"As am I."
The conversation ceased, and unlike previous times there lacked any palpable awkward tension in the air. It was comforting. The pair simply laid there, taking in their own thoughts and the other's company. Ashley closed her eyes as her brushed back and forth against the asari's shoulder where she cradled her.
"I almost feel sorry for him, in a way," said T'Soni.
"Who? Saren?"
"Yes."
Williams had to fight the urge to scoff. "Why?" she asked, "He's the last person I'd feel sorry for."
"He is trapped inside his own mind, much as Benezia was, by the end. Part of him knows his identity is slowly being swallowed by Sovereign, but he is powerless to stop it. Even with all the research he put in to understanding indoctrination." Liara said as she balanced herself delicately on the edge of her cot. "I wonder how he first fell into Sovereign's trap? Did he think he could somehow stop the Reapers from returning? Or was he simply driven by a lust for power?"
"Does it matter?" Williams answered. "You're an optimist, doc. Times like these, I'm glad I'm not. You want to see the good in people. But not everybody's got a good motive for what they're doing the way your mom did—" she felt T'Soni wince and knew she'd hit the mark with her reasoning. Williams thought about her squad back on Eden Prime and the colonists who'd been butchered so Saren and his geth could get their hands on that first prothean beacon. The thought of somebody that twisted getting sympathy from good people like Dr. T'Soni and her mother made Ashley's blood boil. "The commander told us about Saren's history with Anderson. He was a ruthless bastard long before he fell under Sovereign's control."
The doctor nodded slowly, "Perhaps you are correct. I should not waste sympathy on Saren. Not when there are so many others who have suffered because of him. Even if he honestly believed everything he did was for the greater good."
"Whatever Saren's reasons may have been, they're long gone now. He has to be stopped."
"Yes, I suppose you're right," though her tone seemed withdrawn, "He may be Sovereign's victim, but he is a threat to all life as we know it." She shook her head and looked back up at Ashley, "But please, let's not spend any more time talking about Saren. These could be our last moments together. I do not know what will happen on Ilos. I hope we will stop Sovereign, of course, but part of me fears we are already too late."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," Williams answered. They stay quiet for a time. At one point, Williams thinks T'Soni may have fallen asleep again, until she feels the doctor shift against her and begin to trace lazy patterns with her fingers against the marine's uniform. The gentleness of the touch rouses sudden shame in the pit of her stomach.
"I don't know how you could forgive me," she suddenly finds herself saying, and the asari turns to watch her as the gunnery chief's gaze stays fixed on the undecorated ceiling above them. "How you could like me after how horrible I was to you at the start."
"You were n–"
"Yeah, I was." Williams cut her off, unwilling to let the kind doctor let her off the hook so easily. She turned and looked at her and T'Soni sat for a beat with her mouth hanging open before she slowly closed it. The gunnery chief sighed and continued, "I mean, all this time, I was just so wrapped up in my head. What I was going through. All this anger. About the 212 and the visions."
"Williams, what you've been through—" the asari tried gently, but Ashley just shook her head.
"—Doesn't make up for it. I think about you and the way you were just… nice to me. Right from the start. And I was so angry and hurt that I couldn't even see it. And now we're here and I feel like I might be f—" she's about to say 'falling for you,' but catches herself and the words stick in her throat. She watched out of the corner of her eye as Liara cocked her head slightly and felt herself blush a deep red before angling her face away again.
"I just… I guess I just wanted to you to know that, is all. That I'm sorry." And after a moment she adds, "And to thank you. For being kind to me, even when you didn't have to be. You know, it's funny… I've spent my whole life fighting to get what I want. To get it done, I had to bury a lot of things."
"Then you are quite fortunate," T'Soni told her, and Williams turned to eye her suspiciously. The doctor elaborated, with a wry smile, "As I am an archeologist, I am rather skilled at uncovering that which is buried."
Williams breathed a laugh as she rolled her eyes. "You've been hanging out with Joker too much with lines like that. Or maybe Shepard."
But Williams shook her head and continued: "I spent my whole life fighting to get what I want," she said again, "But during that whole time, not even once did I feel like I was worth what I was fighting for. But when I'm here? On this ship? With you? It- … You make me feel good enough."
There was silence and Ashley couldn't bare to turn and look Liara in the eye. Stupid, she thought in a moment of self-doubt. She wasn't a words person; she knew that about herself. She shouldn't have tried to put how she was feeling into her own words. Should have just found a quote that summarized it neatly. That said what she needed to say better than she could. That—
Williams feels the doctor push up off her in a rush and go up on her elbows and it yanks her from her self-deprecating spiral. She began to sit up too, unsure if something was wrong, considering how quickly T'Soni has jumped up. She wondered if somehow she'd manage to screw up her big, romantic confession enough that the asari was literally about to run from the room, when suddenly the doctor lunged forward to cradle the chief's face in her hands and she pulls Ashley in for another fierce and fervent kiss. It's all teeth and tongue and hot breath and she feels the grip around her neck grow stronger, tighter, as Liara crushes herself against her. Shocked, Ashley only has the chance to react by putting her hand along the doctor's waist when she feels one of the doctor's hands move down from its hold along the back of her neck and press flush against her chest. The doctor moans, headily, into her mouth as she pulls back for breath. Williams starts to see stars and has to fight to think straight as she resists the growing urge to let the asari push her back down onto the folding bed.
"Doc, hang on, I—" Williams begins, when there's a loud crackle over the intercom and they both jump.
"Bridge to all senior staff, we're five minutes out from the Mu Relay."
They're both panting and turn to look at one another as Joker finishes the announcement and the intercom clicks back off. Eventually they each breakout into giddy laughter. T'Soni hangs her head in quiet disbelief of her own actions. She leans her forehead against Ashley's shoulder, who reaches up and wraps her arms around her gently. They sit there for a moment, silently, the spell having been broken.
Williams sighed before giving a slight grunt as she shifted to get up from the cot. "Duty calls," she says, "But, hey, T'Soni — whatever happens down there on Ilos," She stops in her efforts to put on her shoes and turns to look at Liara beside her, still laying on the bed and watching her with great interest. "I just wanted to say..."
"Yes?" Liara prompts, after she can't take the pregnant quiet any longer.
"Yeah," Ashley said before stopping herself to smile. "You know what? I'm not telling you." She stands up with a self-satisfied look and holds out her hand to help Liara to her feet. "You want to hear this? Then we'll just have to both come back alive."