Darkness. Only darkness now.
Rest. God, I'm exhausted. Surely, I've earned the right to rest now.
…
…
Shepard was aware of the darkness.
And that he was tired.
I hope it was worth it. The Crucible. The Citadel. The Reapers.
An explosion?
…
"You did good, son. I'm proud of you."
Anderson. His friend. His mentor. The father he never really had. Killed by Shepard's hand.
That's not true.
Killed by the Illusive Man.
My hand.
My gun.
My weakness.
The first human Spectre.
That was Anderson – was supposed to be Anderson.
"I can't remember the last time I just sat down."
"Best seats in the house."
"I'm proud of you."
…
…
"Does this unit have a soul?"
Legion.
"For we are many."
"Consensus has been reached. We will assist the Creators."
"Those Geth were the heretics. They followed the Old Machines. We are the true Geth."
Suicide. No.
Sacrifice.
…
"Someone else might've gotten it wrong."
Mordin.
The genophage, yes.
The cure? Also…yes.
"Would've liked to have run tests on those seashells."
"I am the very model of a scientist Salarian…"
…
"There's no Shepard without Vakarian."
Wasn't that the truth.
Garrus, don't worry buddy, I'll save you a seat at that bar.
…
Something else now.
A dot of red light at the center of view. Flashing.
Once.
Twice.
There was no third time. The dot expanded vertically, then horizontally before him. As it expanded, it began to wrap around itself, forming a familiar shape.
A human shape.
The shape of a man.
The Illusive Man.
"Hello, Shepard."
A digitized representation of the former Cerberus leader stood before him, a simple image of the manthat was not dissimilar to the Avina VI on the Citadel.
The Citadel.
Shepard remembered being on the Citadel. Talking with an AI. The Reaper AI. The Catalyst.
…
Tali.
He felt like he should weep at the thought of her. But could not.
There was nothing there.
"You're wondering why you can't feel your body, Shepard. I'm here to tell you that you are probably very close to death."
The Illusive Man.
What are you talking about?
"I'll explain plainly. When Cerberus reconstructed you, there was so little of you left, that Miranda decided it best and necessary to…augment you."
Yes, I'm aware of the implants. Get to the point.
"My point is, Shepard, that we added an additional failsafe in the event of your untimely death before eliminating the Collectors. It would appear that the failsafe has been triggered."
The Collectors? But that was two years ago.
"Not at the time of this construct's creation."
The VI had flickered for a brief moment, before it returned. "My point is, Shepard, that you are very close to death."
So, what is this?
"This is your conscious mind, cut off from everything else. The failsafe was designed to put your body into…hibernation while the implants attempted to restore your body to functionality.
In effect, they are buying you time."
And if the attempts fail?
"Then you die. For good."
The VI slowly paced back and forth in Shepard's "vision". A digital cigarette held in one hand, it occasionally was brought to his – its – lips.
So, it's just you and me?
"It's just you and me."
Trapped inside my head?
"Yes, Shepard. I don't know what happened to you, but I do hope that your squadmates can get to you in time."
…
So now what?
"Now, there's nothing." The VI shrugged its shoulders. "I hope you're comfortable in here."
…
…
What do you know about the Reapers?
"We know that you and your team stopped the Reaper, Sovereign, led by Saren. We've read your reports and are convinced that they are coming. This is why you were brought back after the attack on the Normandy by the Collectors. We suspect that the Reapers are involved, possibly behind the whole thing."
And the invasion? Your involvement with the Reapers? Your attempt to control Indoctrination?
The VI flickered once, twice, then gave a non-answer:
"Shepard, that information is not available."
Interesting. maybe it is just a VI. Presumably before the raid on the Collectors.
…
Did we win?
The VI flickered again, giving the same non-answer:
"Shepard, that information is not available."
Okay, it passed that test too.
…
"Come back to me…"
Tali's voice echoed there, a whisper on the edges of his mind.
That had gotten his attention.
I wanted to, love. God, how I wanted to. But I couldn't let you d-
"I recognize that voice, Shepard. The quarian?"
He had forgotten about the VI.
Yes, Tali'zorah vas Normandy.
"vas Neema, you mean."
Of course. That happened later.
Yes, one in the same.
"That sounded like more than a request, Shepard. It sounded painful." A drag on the cigarette. "That was a plea."
Is the VI baiting me?
…
It was.
"And it went unheeded." It was not a question.
…
It went unheeded. I couldn't. It was the only way.
I needed her…to survive.
"Why?"
Because…there was too much wrong…in the galaxy. I needed to know that something good – someone good – would make it. And she mattered more to me…than me.
"So you loved the quarian?"
Yes. With all my heart.
"Tell me about her, Shepard."
You had her file. You knew everything about me.
…
Another drag on the cigarette.
"Humor me, Shepard."
I've got nothing else better to do. And it will be nice…to remember.
I'd never met a quarian before, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Of course you hear all the stories – the standard racist shit – 'suit rat' and all that. Half-baked immune system, lived their entire lives aboard their starships. They were kicked off of their planet and out of council association after the war with the Geth…
That was a shitshow.
Shepard sat in his customary chair in the briefing room. He looked around the room, and everyone looked tired and despondent. The mission was…successful, but at a cost. He rubbed the back of his neck absentmindedly.
Ashley looked down at the floor, her heel tapping the floor at an eccentric pace. Her face was flushed, and she was biting her lip.
Yeah, she's pissed. Shepard was not going to enjoy whatever it was that she would have to say. He just hoped that she would say it privately.
Liara looked contemplative – concerned – but far from angry. It was a look he saw often from her. She looked directly at Shepard as his gaze fell on her. There was comfort there, mixed in with the general wonder that her face conveyed at almost all times.
Urdnot Wrex…well, he just looked like the angry Krogan that he was. Shepard wasn't sure what to make of him yet, but he suspected that he would've handled X57 differently.
Garrus, the turian, and someone whom he was quickly growing to respect, hadn't approved; though he was at least understanding regarding Shepard's decision. He probably would've gone about it differently – but the commander suspected that he would've thought long and hard about it. And probably would've lost some sleep as well.
Kaidan, the other squad member on the mission, had been in general agreement with Shepard. Saving people – whenever possible – was almost always the right call.
Finally, his eyes fell on Tali, the quarian. She was still something of an enigma, and not just because of the mask and suit that she constantly wore. He knew next to nothing about her people (and by extension, her), aside from the few anecdotes and stories she had told him in engineering. He'd made it a point to try to get to know her, out of all of the members of his crew, he suspected that she would have the hardest time fitting in.
Long inhalation. "Okay, as per the norm, I want everybody's input to send in my report. I know that the mission was a tough pill to swallow-"
"You can say that again." That was Ashley under her breath, as he had anticipated. Shepard could've wrung the disapproval out of her words, they were so thick with it.
Shepard shot her a look. "Do you have something to say, chief?"
Louder, with conviction: "No sir."
"Okay. Like I was saying, that was a tough pill to swallow, but the people had to come first. I don't like letting terrorists get away, but we're not in the business of sacrificing lives – ever."
"Even if it means that Balak could take more, Shepard?"
That was Garrus, he knew he would disagree, but appreciated his measured tone. A professional.
He inhaled deeply again. The commander looked at the floor in contemplation. Of course, he had a point. There's no guarantee that the monster would be stopped – either by himself or someone else – and the next time could be even worse. But Shepard didn't have the gift of foresight.
"Garrus, I agree with your sentiment, I really do, but I can't see the future. All I know is that we could save those people then and there."
He paused again, thinking of the batarian, and how he would strike again.
"So that's what I did."
Silence again. For a mission that was, by all other measures a success, the room was damn somber.
Time to change gears.
"Okay. That's enough of that. Ship status reports?"
Shepard went around the room and received the usual reports in turn. Ashley had the armory well in hand, and Liara was chasing down leads on the Protheans, the Reapers, and how her mother's involvement might give them a clue into Saren's next move. Wrex had nothing new (not a surprise).
"Tali, how are you doing in engineering?"
She must not have heard him. Her head was cocked in a way that suggested deep thought.
"Tali?"
"Oh. Yes, commander. Sorry." Her head shot up and she gave a nervous chuckle. "Um, everything is going…um…fine. Chief Adams has been getting me up to, uh, speed." Then, recognizing her faux pas, she added with too much urgency "Sir."
Shepard produced a thin smile and was also aware of Ashley's frown.
I'm going to have to keep an eye on that.
"Okay. Very well. I'll include everyone's input when I send the report to Hackett. We'll be staying in-system for at least the next two days to resupply. I'll update you all with new orders by 1900 tomorrow. For now, enjoy the downtime. Dismissed."
He watched them shuffle out of the room. Ashley and Kaiden were talking quietly, Garrus and Liara were having a quiet conversation of their own, and Wrex didn't even look at anyone else, as was his wont. His eyes fell on Tali'zorah and he immediately noted her body language. Her shoulders slumped, and she had been especially fidgety and distracted during the debrief. He obviously couldn't use facial expressions as a guide with the quarian, but he still understood general body language. It was apparent to him that something was up with her.
He made a point to check on her after filing the report to Admiral Hackett.
Keelah, what am I doing here?
Tali'zorah nar Rayya wasn't so sure anymore. Everything about her Pilgrimage had been one wrong turn after another, and too many of her friends had died. From pulling that data from the Geth, to stowing away on the freighter, to watching her friends die, to dealing with that C-Sec bosh'tet, it'd been a nightmare. Then Shepard showed up on the Citadel and saved her – as much as she hadn't wanted to admit it, that's precisely what had happened. She was so thrilled that he happened to have needed her help. She had initially tried to exude confidence, but that confidence had quickly faded. Things were so different on this ship. The tech was amazing, and it was so quiet that she still couldn't sleep comfortably.
Nothing at all like the Rayya. Probably any ship in the flotilla, if I think about it.
And of course, there was Shepard.
She'd not met a human before – well, aside from her brief interaction with Doctor Michel on the Citadel. She'd read and heard about them, as every quarian would have in order to prepare for Pilgrimage; but reading about one and actually talking to one were completely different things. She'd been taught to expect a slightly xenophobic air about them – she'd of course learned about the First Contact War – and that they seemed headstrong. But Shepard was…different somehow. He was so kind to everyone – even her! She couldn't have ever guessed that she would've been treated with respect, like she wasn't just some…suit rat.
Keelah, I don't even know how to talk to him without sounding like a tongue-tied bosh'tet.
"Suit-rat."
The memory flooded back to her then, and her face grew hot with anger.
"Hi Tali. Do you have a minute?"
She whirled around ready to unload an epithet, caught between her thoughts and reality.
"Bosh-"
It was Shepard, and she watched the warm smile on his face flicker for just an instant in surprise. Thankfully she caught herself in time and refrained from insulting her commander, but she was mortified at how close she had come to saying something truly regrettable.
"Oh hi, commander. I'm sorry. Yes…yes of course I have a minute." She somehow had found her feet extremely interesting as she replied to him.
Keelah, Tali! Pull it together. You're a part of the crew, act like it.
Shepard may not have been able to see her face, but he understood embarrassment when he heard it. He nonchalantly leaned against the handrail that ran around the Normandy's Tantalus drive core.
"It's alright, Tali. No need to apologize. I just wanted to see how you were doing. You seemed…distracted at the debrief, and I just thought I'd check up on you. I want to make sure that you're comfortable here."
Why is he so nice to me?
"I'm, uh, okay here. Engineer Adams has been very patient with me while I learn the systems. He doesn't seem to mind showing me around and answering my questions."
But what does he really think, Tali?
Shepard nodded. But something was off. She was clearly nervous – even by her standards.
"Tali," his voice turned more serious now, "is everything all right? I know I'm not an expert on your people or…that is to say…" He sighed.
Christ, that was a terrible start. "Your people."
Let's try this again.
"Tali, it's just…I get the feeling that you're not yourself. Now, I know I haven't known you for long, but you just seem…out of sorts, based on what I know from our conversations. I just…want to make sure that you're okay."
He is nothing like what they said he would be like. Still, I need to prove that I'm strong enough to be on this ship, strong enough to defeat Saren, so I don't want to look weak here. He seems so sure of himself and I'm just –
"Commander, I…is there a place where we can talk?"
Tali didn't know what to do with Shepard's confused look as he glanced sheepishly around them, then at her.
"Tali, this is 'someplace', and we are talking."
There was a pregnant pause. Shepard made a mental note to check off the box for "unfamiliar with my particular brand of humor".
"Tali, that was a joke," he deadpanned.
The quarian straightened up then, disappointed in herself that she thought he was serious.
I do have a lot to learn.
"I-I'm sorry, commander. I mean…privately?"
Keelah, Tali, that was the opposite of "don't want to look weak here".
"Are you okay if we talk in my quarters?"
Did he just -
A quarian captain would never have done such a thing. Her face involuntarily flushed. "Of course. Um…now?"
Tali, remember: he's not quarian.
Shepard smirked and chuckled a little. "If 'now' is a good time, Tali."
The ride up to Deck 2 was spent in silence. Shepard leaned nonchalantly against the railing while Tali looked at the floor.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone so obviously nervous in my life. Are all quarians this high-strung? Hmm, she is on her pilgrimage, which is something of a rite of passage into adulthood for her people. Of course she's nervous. She's young, has been shot at, ignored by C-Sec, and is now stuck on a ship with nothing but aliens for company.
Tali cleared her throat before speaking. "Commander, I have a question."
He faced her with a curious smile. "Sure Tali. Shoot."
Her whole body stopped – it was her turn to look at him with curiosity.
Not that he can tell.
"I'm sorry commander – 'shoot'?"
Shepard chuckled to himself. "Sorry Tali, it's an old human expression similar to 'sure go ahead', but primarily confined to when someone asks permission to ask a question."
Clearly dumbfounded, she let out a simple "oh" in acknowledgment. Tali made a note to find some guides on human interaction on the extranet.
"I was just going to ask…why the elevator is so slow on an otherwise advanced starship?"
Shepard had no reaction to the question at first, and Tali was terrified that she might have offended the commander.
Until he started laughing. Then she felt even worse.
Seeing her head hang low and her shoulders slump, he immediately stopped and straightened his posture.
"Hey Tali, it's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. I just thought it was funny because, well, it's honestly a damn good question." Her posture immediately relaxed, and she looked up at him. "I mean, all of this advanced tech – the Tantalus drive, the stealth capabilities, and then they saddle us with a lift that we could outpace on a ladder." He laughed again, and he was thrilled when she joined him.
The elevator finally reached deck 2, and they walked purposefully to the Captain's Cabin. When the door hissed open, he made sure to go in first, allowing Tali to be closest to the door. She had been bothered by something, and clearly was uneasy about it. He didn't want to do anything to make her feel uncomfortable or
Cornered.
He sat down at his desk and offered her the other chair. He had noticed the way she had looked around at the other crewmembers as they walked through the mess hall.
She took a quick glance around and was surprised at how sparse the commander's office was. It was not dissimilar to what quarian captains got by with. Considering how incredible the rest of the Normandy was, she expected more. "No, thank you commander. I'll stand for now."
Her earlier uneasiness had returned, as she stood there with her arms crossed tightly in front of her. Shepard was not unaware.
She is clearly upset about something.
"OK, Tali. What's going on? It's just you and me. Talk to me."
This was a stupid idea, Tali. You couldn't just let it go?
"I…you know what? It's nothing. I'm sorry to have bothered-" She moved as if she was going to leave when Shepard spoke.
"Tali'zorah, don't make me order you to tell me what's going on." She wasn't technically a member of his Alliance crew, so he knew that he could do no such thing. Hopefully, he thought that it would just be the nudge that she needed to talk to him.
Keelah. I hope he understands. Of course he will.
"Commander, I overheard something…in the mess earlier. I was prepping my nutrient paste, and some of the other crewmembers were discussing the batarians…and the mission…and…"
She paused, unsure how she could say this without sounding foolish. Shepard looked at her patiently. Underneath his serene face, his blood was boiling.
I think I know where this is going. If it goes there, somebody is getting reamed out when we're done here.
He watched her carefully, and thought he heard the quarian sniffle.
She has been through enough already, and now she has to deal with some-
"Bosh'tet! Just say it, Tali!"
Tali's entire body froze in utter shock at her own outburst as she watched Shepard jump back a little in his chair. She had caught both of them by surprise.
"Keelah, I'm sorry c-commander!"
Shepard shook his head but never stopped smiling at her. "It's quite alright, Tali. Please, just tell me what happened."
"Some of the crew made some…offhand remarks about the batarians, and then someone else made a remark about 'some dirty aliens'…"
Fuck sake. There it is.
Tali had continued. "…and it's not like I hadn't heard that kind of stuff before, but being on this ship and doing what we're doing and being around-"
Keelah, you almost said it, didn't you?
Shepard sighed heavily.
I'd hoped that we were past this.
"Tali, I want you to sit down, please." His voice was gentle and kind. He felt horribly.
After a moment of hesitation, she did sit down in the other chair with her elbows resting on her knees. She did not look up.
"Comma-"
"No, Tali. Now it's my turn." His tone was forceful, but also mixed with something that Tali couldn't place.
Resignation seemed to take hold of her then. As confident as she had been that the commander would understand, she was inexplicably now convinced otherwise.
Just let him talk. There's no way he'll go against one of his own. Get it over with. 'Of course, sir. Just drop me back off at the Citadel so I can continue with my pilgrimage and-'
"You know, it wasn't too long ago that humans – we – thought that we were the only intelligent life in the universe. Not just the galaxy. We were so…convinced of our own uniqueness, that we never bothered to consider anything else." He paused, leaning back in the chair as he considered his next words. He brought his hands to his face, pressed together in a gesture that Tali – if she were human – might've mistaken for a prayer.
"And before that, not even 150 years ago, humans didn't even see each other as equals. We stratified others, based on superficial traits like skin color, if you can imagine that."
Tali had noticed all of the different tones and colors to the humans, there was so much variety. She enjoyed looking at them all because it was so rare for her to have seen anything other than quarian suits.
Especially Shepard.
Keelah, Tali. Stop it.
He continued, after another sigh. "It would appear that we have not outgrown some of these tendencies. I'm sorry, Tali."
He watched her purple mask lift up and face him. She didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything. Watching him, she actually felt terribly that she had brought this up – so pained was his expression.
Shepard took her silence as a sign to keep going.
"Do you know that Engineer Adams tells me that you're the most gifted engineer he's ever met? It's true." His voice had taken a far more uplifting tone now. "He tells me that in a couple of months, you'll be teaching him about the engines. I can pull the report if you don't believe me." He began to turn to his computer and show her the report.
She piped up.
"No commander, that won't be necessary."
He really said that?
"I actually thought I was just getting in the way. This ship is so…so incredible to be on. It's nothing like what we have in the flotilla. I just…I don't know, commander. After we defeat Saren, and I return to the fleet, I'll know my role. I'll know my ship. I'll know my value. It'll be easier. Here, I feel like I just don't-"
"Belong?"
Maybe he does understand.
"Yes, commander."
"Personally, I believe you to be one of the finest people that I've met. You are strong, extremely intelligent, and dedicated to both the mission and your people."
And sincere, and earnest.
"As far as I'm concerned, that's more than evidence enough that you belong on this ship."
Tali was utterly speechless; even if she knew what to say, she wouldn't have been able to say it.
Oh, and she was blushing so hard.
"You know Tali, before we met, the mission to Eden Prime was supposed to be my 'trial run' to become a Spectre. I had a turian Spectre named Nilhus watching everything I did. I hated it. We had a…contentious relationship." Shepard paused, his mind drifting back to what became of Nihlus – killed at the hands of Saren.
Tali was able to pick on the commander's discomfort before he continued.
"A lot of it stems from the First Contact War. We were so arrogant, and the turians were so convinced of their own superiority. Well, let's just say that there's still a lot of work to do, from both sides. Humans had never been around other species until very recently, and it'll take a while before every human understands that we're not the only game in town. But we learn, and we try. And personally, I find you to be delightful, and I would hate to see you leave."
Well, John, that was more than you maybe should have said. Can't go back now.
"So, this is me asking you to please stay. And I will guarantee you that this will not happen again." He paused, reflecting. "I may not be able to change attitudes…"
Like Pressly, he thought.
"But I will ensure that there is respect aboard this ship."
She sighed, relieved. She was ready to get back to work. To teach the engines to Adams, to stop Saren, to have the commander's back.
"Thank you, commander. I'm sorry if I blew this out of proportion. I just wanted to stay and then…you know."
He smiled warmly at her. "You did no such thing."
Hmm. There's something about her. I hope she doesn't mind if I come down to engineering to chat more often. Actually…you know what?
"Tali, we have some time off to resupply. Do you want to see Terra Nova?" He gave her a wide smile.
Clearly flabbergasted, Tali managed something resembling an affirmative.
"Great! It's settled then. I'll show you the Lake District near the settlement tomorrow. You'll love it."
Shepard got up and extended his hand, helping her up when she took it.
Keelah, are all humans this warm?
"So don't apologize for coming to me with this, Tali. And please, you can drop the 'commander'. Just call me 'Shepard'. It's what my friends call me."