He checked the chronometer on his omnitool: 02:43.

This is ridiculous. You can't keep this up forever, John. If you don't start getting sleep – real sleep – you will not like what happens to your brain.

Commander Shepard sighed heavily, the result of yet another sleepless night. His insomnia had gotten much worse, for the last week now, since the incident with the biotics and their damn hostage. He had tried to talk the leader down, then tried to threaten him.

Bad move.

The first shot had blasted a hole through Burns' head. Shepard had watched helplessly as he registered three sounds: the shot, the sound of Burns' body thudding to the floor, and finally Tali's gasp of dismay and shock.

You always hear that, don't you?

The ensuing firefight had been fierce; as a talented biotic, Shepard detested close quarters combat. He didn't like not being able to survey the field, and he wasn't good enough with a shotgun to make up for his dependency on biotics for that type of combat. With that considered, he had been relieved that he brought his friend and tech specialist, Tali, with the team. Along with her tech skills, he had learned that, thanks to excellent training with Wrex, her ability with a shotgun was always equal to the task. In short, he had begun to rely on her.

They hadn't said much on the way back to the Normandy. Not even Garrus had said anything. He couldn't shake the feeling that he should've done more. At the very least, he definitely should have said something differently. He'd replayed the confrontation – almost continuously – since they'd returned.

He thought about talking about it – to Liara, to Kaiden, to Garrus – but couldn't bring himself to open up about it the way he felt that he needed to.

And how do you know that? Because I still can't sleep.

He refused to talk to Tali about it – he couldn't throw the weight of his failure onto the girl – his friend. It would be gross…and unfair. It occurred to him then that he'd been avoiding Tali as a result. When he'd gone to engineering to discuss anything, he'd kept his distance from her. He'd give her a polite nod or a wave, but he left as soon as he'd finished talking with Adams.

Just another thing I've done that I'm not proud of.

And it's not like he hadn't lost people before, but this was different.

The captors had real gripes – ones that I could intimately sympathize with.

Shepard absent-mindedly rubbed the back of his head where his own implant was placed.

But they killed that man, and he was willing to help. I honestly think that he hadn't been aware of the situation, or just how desperate they'd been. And I believe he had been genuinely willing to help.

Until you fucked it up, Shepard. And now you'll never know. Nor will his wife, nor his daughter.

Shepard grunted as he threw his sheets off and swung his feet over the side of the bed. Rubbing his palms against his forehead in a gesture of frustration, he stood up and sighed loudly.

Putting on a plain white tee to go along with his navy blue sweatpants, he shuffled out to the mess hall. He wasn't sure why he had even bothered – he wasn't hungry.

Maybe you just need to not be in the cabin. The same walls, the same desk, the same things that remind you of your failures.

Almost completely on autopilot, the commander had poured himself a cup of hot tea – earl grey, only honey – and sat at the far end of the table farthest from his cabin.

Am I subconsciously trying to tell myself something? Maybe I just need some shore leave.

He sighed again and took a sip of tea.

I don't know. I'm not a damn shrink. And if I was, I would ask for a serious pay raise. Maybe Chakwas knows someone who –

His thoughts were interrupted by a familiar sound.

"Hi…uh, Shepard…can I sit, um, here…with you?" The modulated voice betrayed her identity before he even looked up.

Fuck.

Shepard looked up, initially planning to tell her that it was not a good time, but when he saw her…he couldn't. Tali stood before him, clearly uncertain and nervous in his presence. She had one hand on the chair, but the rest of her body looked ready to turn around and…run. Looking at her, he was hit with a sudden wave of guilt.

Look at her, you asshole. She hasn't been this obviously uncomfortable since X57. This is your fault, so own it. And you'd better make it right.

"Tali, of course." He gave her a strained smile, doing his best to hide the discomfort he felt for seeing her like this. Once she sat down, she hesitantly made eye contact, but then looked away.

"Something on your mind? Couldn't sleep?"

Please don't let it be me, please don't let it be me. I feel badly enough for avoiding you.

If his plea was a prayer, Shepard was certain that the answer was going to be a resounding "No. This is definitely on you."

"No, Shepard, I couldn't really sleep either." She sighed and was fidgeting in that strangely endearing way. Shepard thought that this time it might be close to being a paralyzing nervousness. Somehow, Tali managed to continue. "I, uh, I'm not sure how to say…this…but…did I do something wrong? Did I say something that upset you? Because I think that maybe you've been avoiding me? I mean, I know you're really busy and you can't spend every day talking to me but I…" Her words weren't accusatory toward him, she simply wanted to understand.

Keelah, Tali. If he wasn't avoiding you before, he sure will be now.

She pressed on anyway. "I know I'm not fully versed in your customs, but I did some research trying to see if maybe I did or said something that made you not…not want…to talk to…me anymore." Her voice noticeably cracked. She was close to tears.

Shepard looked down at the table for a moment, unable to match her gaze, ashamed. He really had hurt her, deeply, it would seem. In turn, he was causing himself pain now.

His comeuppance.

Shepard, you are an asshole.

He raised a hand in dismissal. "Tali, please. Stop."

He had it softly, almost tenderly.

She did just that.

"You're right; I have been avoiding you." Her head hung even lower then. He released a heavy sigh. "But I promise you that it had nothing to do with you."

The soft glow of her eyes looked up as she raised her head to see him. In his face she saw the red rings around his eyes and the dark circles beneath them. She knew enough to know that clearly, he hadn't been sleeping either. She felt a pang of guilt as she came to the conclusion that he was deeply troubled in his own right.

"It…didn't?"

His eyes never left hers. "No Tali, of course not. I…like you very much, and you are as close a friend to me as any I've ever had. It's just that there were some things that…I…"

It was the commander's turn to stammer and stumble over his words. He took a long, deep breath. Controlling her own nervousness, Tali didn't try to interrupt him. She instead patiently waited for him to continue.

"The last mission that we were on…"

She nodded her head. "The one with the other biotics…and the committee chairman?" She remembered to the moment when the first gunshot rang out, and the hostage had fallen over with a smoking hole in his head, and his own blood on the floor. She remembered the squishy thud his body made as it fell over. Time had stood still. She gasped.

Shepard nodded.

"That's the one. I can't…I can't get it out of my head. I…replay it, over and over and over. It won't stop, I say 'Don't do this.' And then the shot rings out. You gasp-"

He did not tell her that that's the part that sends chills down his spine.

"And then the thud. Tali, it's the sound…of his…head hitting the floor."

That's a lie and you know it.

She didn't say anything. What could she say? His voice was so twisted with emotion – regret – that she was left speechless. She was so frightened that she might say the wrong thing and make him more upset. But it pained her so much to see him like this.

In the end, it was Tali who broke the silence anyway.

She watched him closely, with real compassion.

Keelah, this poor man. My friend. He's so tortured. And all this to…protect me.

Tali looked around the common area, noting the other crewmembers milling about.

"Shepard, I think that maybe we should return to your quarters. To talk about this privately." Then remembering that it might sound like she was implying something other than her friend's well-being, she quickly added "If…that…if that's okay?" She had realized that the captain of the Normandy was very close to losing control of his emotions, and one of the few things her admiral father had imparted to her – with which she agreed – was that the commander of the vessel had a certain decorum to maintain. Even though it was the middle of the night, there were still enough crewmembers around that word would spread quickly.

Shakily, he looked at her. His vice grip on the teacup loosened, and he nodded his agreement.

It was Tali's turn to take command. She wasn't sure where she had gotten the burst of assertiveness, but she took the tea from him and placed it on his desk. She then told him to lie down on the bed. She saw her friend in need and was doing what she could to help. For Shepard's part, he was numb, and happy to follow orders for once.

When he had laid down on his back and looked reasonably comfortable, she asked him a question.

"Shepard, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Tali." He stared at the ceiling, with his hands resting on his chest, fingers interlocked.

"Of everything that you told me, what part hurts you the most?"

Keelah Tali. He already told you this – it was when Burns hit the floor. Her own thoughts contradicted this. But I think that he was lying about that part.

He hesitated as he realized that she might have picked up on his evasion. "Do I have to be honest?"

She let out a little laugh. "Bosh'tet, of course you do."

He smiled a little bit. He'd heard her use the Khelish curse word before, but never in a friendly tone. It reminded him of the way he and Garrus would rib each other.

"It's…uncomfortable to admit-"

She interrupted him. "Well of course it is. If it was comfortable, we wouldn't be talking about it."

A slight nod. "That's fair. It's…"

What will she think of me? Is it too personal?

"It's the moment when…right after the shot is fired, and…I hear you gasp, Tali."

Tali's eyes looked down at her lap. What should she make of that?

Hesitantly, she had to ask: "Why?"

He didn't know how long it took him to respond. It felt like hours. In truth it was only about 20 seconds.

"I…it's…it's the sound of my failure." He paused, gathering his thoughts. He rubbed his eyes, trying to keep his emotions in check. "I guess, when I heard you…do that, it kind of reminded me of every other mission I've failed, every innocent person I couldn't save, every bad guy that got away, all rolled up into one sound." He wasn't sure if he should say aloud what his mind had continued in silence:

Every birthday I've missed, every friend I've let fall by the wayside, every relationship I've ruined…

He decided against it; now was probably not the time.

Quietly, Tali answered him. "I'm…sorry. That you…that I made you feel that. I couldn't help it; it was so shocking. I never expected that you wouldn't have been able to…that he would've actually gone through with it. I should've been stronger."

Incredulous that she felt the need to chastise herself for his shortcoming, Shepard sat up and looked at her with curiosity. She had reverted to her nervous habit of wringing her hands together. She looked down at the floor, all traces of the assertiveness that she had shown earlier had evaporated.

She wanted to help you, and now look what you've done.

"Tali, I…you know what? Come here." Sitting up now, he had scooted to the edge of the bed and patted the area next to him. Obediently, she did just that, making sure to keep a respectable distance from the commander.

Keelah, why is my face hot right now? We're just sitting here talking. Just talking. Besides, now is not the time.

"Okay Tali, listen to me: that situation and your reaction to it is anything but your fault, okay?" His tone had changed considerably, he sounded far more positive now. More like himself.

Is it just because she's near me? Damn it, Shepard stop it.

He looked directly into the pearls that constituted the quarian's eyes.

They really are beautiful. I could get lost in them if I'm not careful.

"A bad thing happened, and you reacted how a normal and emotionally-stable person should have. You are not, by definition, a soldier." Seeing her tense up, he quickly continued. "That's not meant to disparage you by any means; you are extremely capable in the field, but that situation is not one that you're familiar with. You should not be ashamed of your reaction, regardless of my own issues."

He hesitated for a moment, debating whether he should continue as his thought suggested.

Hell with it; in for an inch, in for a mile. Or something like that.

"Tali, it's one of the reasons why I like you so much. It's why I trust you so much. Maybe people would call it "innocence", but I don't agree. I think that your reaction shows your empathy. It's something that I've found to be…lacking in others. But not in you."

She was dumbstruck.

What did he just say to me? He really thinks that of me?

"Shepard, I…thank you. I appreciate, no…that's not right. Well, it is, but not exactly. Oh keelah, what am I trying to say?" She was fidgeting furiously now.

How is this girl so damn cute?

Shepard grinned at her. "Tali, it's okay. I don't need you to say anything to that." He laughed a little. "I kinda hit you with that out of nowhere. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you, and that you're not inadequate. Not to me."

Desperately, Tali tried to say something in reply. Finding that she could not, the flustered young woman instead just looked at her captain's eyes - those mesmerizing blue orbs of his.

Shepard threw her a lifeline after clearing his throat. "So, what I was saying, is that you wouldn't have expected for something like that to even be a possibility - let alone seeing it actually happen. It shocked you, which was a perfectly normal and reasonable reaction."

As he swung the conversation back to a place where she was actually able to speak, Tali protested. "But why did that bother me, Shepard? We've taken on countless mercenaries, Geth, and even Feros didn't…make me react like that."

He nodded in agreement. "You're right, it didn't. But you're comparing apples and oranges." He said it matter-of-factly, before realizing his error.

She cocked her head in what Shepard had come to understand to be her gesture of confusion. "I'm sorry, apples…?" Her voice trailed off.

He chuckled, then explained. "Another one of my 'human idioms'. They are fruits that grow on Earth. While they are both similar foods, they are markedly different in taste, shape, color, and texture."

She nodded in understanding. "So what you're saying is that while I've seen combat, it's always been against a predetermined enemy. I knew what I was going after before going in. But in this case, we didn't know if we would even need to fire a weapon. So…apples and oranges?"

He smiled broadly as he nodded his agreement. Without realizing it, he playfully patted her hand. "Precisely."

He saw her tense up ever so slightly and removed it. Uncomfortably, he apologized.

Jesus, Shepard. What the fuck was that?

Keelah, Tali. Calm down. You've seen how humans interact…they're so touchy.

They then sat there in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Tali interrupted it.

"Shepard, I'm not sure if you are aware, but you can't save everybody." She said this so matter-of-factly, like it was the most obvious thing in the universe.

It was the most obvious thing in the universe.

"Because, while we all know that you're 'Commander Shepard,' sometimes…sometimes the universe doesn't care who you are. Sometimes, even when you do everything right, the outcome is wrong."

Shepard had looked away as she said this.

"Tali, do you obviously think I don't know that?" He had asked the question rhetorically, but with an edge to his voice that he wasn't fond of.

She steeled herself with resolve, expecting a response like that. Still, she didn't like pressing him on this.

Keelah, but I have to.

"I know that you say that, but people say all sorts of things that…they don't…believe."

Shepard opened his mouth ready to reply but was stopped by his friend again as she raised a hand to silence him.

"You're not accustomed to saying the wrong thing, or making the wrong call. But sometimes, to use something that I've learned as an engineer of sorts…you can't account for all variables."

She watched his reaction carefully. His breathing was heavy and his fists were clenched. His eyes were closed and he did not look at her. Tali wasn't afraid for her safety, but she was afraid of losing his friendship because she had pushed him too hard.

After a silence so protracted that she thought that it indeed surely meant the end of their friendship, he finally spoke. His voice was not steady.

"Tali, I…know that what you're saying…is correct. But that…doesn't make it any easier to take."

She took a stab at something. "You thought that your N7 ranking, and your Spectre status, would have been enough to dissuade them." It was a statement that he took as a question.

"Yes Tali…I think that's a correct supposition."

"I think the problem was that…"

Tali, how brave are you going to be today?

"You expected them to respect the…prestige? The status? I'm not sure what I'm trying to say…keelah, I know what I'm trying to…say, but…"

She pressed her fists into her thighs, clearly frustrated with her inability to articulate what she had to say.

Tali, breathe. He hasn't told you to leave. He wants you to finish what you're saying. It's okay. He is your friend. If he didn't want to hear what you have to say, he would've kicked you out by now.

"What I'm trying to say, is that they had nothing to lose. They did not fear anything. Least of all, us."

Silence reigned for a long time. Tali looked away, studying the point of contact where the table leg met the floor.

Shepard looked up at the ceiling, contemplating.

Tali, to her credit, broke the silence again in the only way she knew how.

"You know Shepard, even in the fleet we can grow fruit. Not many types these days, but still…" She stated this matter-of-factly. It felt like it had been plucked from a conversation that they hadn't known they were a part of.

After a moment, Shepard burst out laughing. He couldn't help it. Tali joined in.

They laughed until they cried. The tears washed away the guilt.

"Shepard, why are we laughing?" She asked him between spurts of laughter.

Catching his breath as he curtailed his own fit, "Tali, I really don't know."

Eventually the laughter trailed off as well.

Shepard laid on his back then, feet still touching the floor. Uncertain, but genuinely happy to do so, Tali did the same.

"So, Tali'zorah. Tell me about quarian fruit. Do you have a favorite? Was it originally grown on Rannoch? Can I try some?"

She laughed at the sudden change. "Keelah, Shepard. I wouldn't recommend it. We're like turians, we have a dextro-based diet. Trying anything that I would eat would probably kill you!" She laughed – a genuine, guilt-free laugh. "And as for a favorite? I don't think I have one. We can't really grow much of it on our ships." Her voice had turned decidedly forlorn. "My father used to bring us some – perks of being an admiral, I suppose – but I haven't really had any in years."

He felt a sadness about the hardships that the quarians were being forced to endure. More specifically, there was sadness that she had to endure all this. He decided to not express this – pity was not something that he would demean Tali with. Instead, he chuckled again and looked over to her, his eyes locking with hers.

Huh. I do genuinely feel better. How did she manage that?

"Still. Tell me about it. Not just 'fruit', I mean." He smiled broadly as he gently nudged her side. "Regale me with the stories of the quarian people." More seriously, he added "Regale me with yourstories, Tali."

And so she did. She told him about the Ancestors, and the joy she felt when getting her first suit. He forgot about his sadness, and she forgot all about her nervousness and her guilt. She told him about her mother, and how her death changed her, and how it especially changed her father.

But mostly she talked about herself. How much she loved sappy rom-com vids – Fleet and Flotilla was her favorite. How much she loved to dance – "the flow, the rhythm, ah Keelah, it's wonderful." How she hoped that she would be worthy of being the "admiral's daughter".

Shepard sensed an opportunity.

"You know, I'm something of a dancer myself," he deadpanned.

"Ooh, we should go to Flux next time we're on the Citadel!" Her excitement was obvious.

She's never seen me dance. She has no idea what she's getting herself into.

At length, Shepard began to understand that this girl was a very strong young woman.

And…am I getting infatuated with her?

At some point, Tali asked him about his parents.

Turning to face him, she asked him, "Shepard, all of this talk about my family has made me curious. What was your family like?"

He cleared his throat and looked away for a moment, then locked his eyes with hers again.

"There's a complicated answer to that."

Sensing his discomfort, she tensed up again. "Shepard, I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about it, forget that I-"

He shook his head dismissively. "No Tali, it's ok. It's just that I didn't really have much of a family on Earth. I don't like to talk about it much – ever, really. But honestly, if I'm going to talk about this, I'd prefer that it be you that hear it."

She didn't know how she should feel about what he had just said to her. All she knew was that it made her flush. She asked herself the question she really wanted to ask him.

Why is that, Shepard? What makes me special?

He rolled over on his side to face her before continuing.

"I didn't really have a family growing up on Earth. My parents were killed in an accident when I was six."

Tali had, without realizing it, placed her hand on top of his. It was a simple gesture that was purely reactionary.

Was it?

Mortified, she was about to retract it when Shepard placed his other hand on hers.

He smiled at her. "It's okay, Tali. I don't mind it."

"Okay, if you're sure." She was clearly unsure about all of this touching.

Smiling warmly, he reassured her.

He told her about life in the city – growing up in Philadelphia, the petty crimes he and his "friends" committed. He told her about joining the Alliance military as soon as he was able, after having to kill his way out of the gang.

"I wasn't left with a choice, Tali. Don't worry, the…bosh'tet…deserved it." He paused, curious. "Did I say it right?"

Tali giggled. "Yes Shepard, you nailed it. Just try not to say it around other quarians. And…if you do, don't tell them that I taught you."

"Fair enough. I promise – unless he offends my favorite quarian engineer." He grinned back at her; it was an honest one. "But don't worry about him – that's one that doesn't weigh on my conscience now."

Oh Ancestors, my face is so flushed right now. Is it hot in here?

He told her about BT in the Alliance and harnessing the biotics.

He told her about the rigors of N7 training.

"The Alliance – well, Anderson, mostly – set me straight. They uncovered the good kid that I had hidden away. I'll always be grateful to them, and him in particular."

"Anderson sounds like a good man. He reminds me of my Auntie Raan."

"Who's that, Tali?"

"My Auntie Raan was my mother's best friend…you know, before she…"

Shepard squeezed her hand gently. There was no awkwardness this time.

"Anyway, because my father was always…busy, she helped make up the slack when he wasn't there. Oh Shepard, she's so good to me."

Shepard didn't press any further. Instead, he returned to stories about himself.

She couldn't believe all of the things that he had seen and done; how he had gone through all that he had and managed to be the kind and caring man that she was swiftly becoming more than a little smitten with.

"Elysium was…not…fun. They gave me a medal, but all I did was kill some slavers. Anybody would've done the same."

She scoffed at him. "Keelah, Shepard. I get that, but you fended them off almost by yourself. And, no, not everyone would have done the same."

They were still talking pleasantly, excitedly, when it was time for alpha shift at 0800.

Neither felt the fatigue of a sleepless night.