She stood next to Joker and Ashley on the bridge of the SSV Normandy, wringing her hands and nervously tapping her feet against the metal floor. Her stomach was in knots, and she hadn't slept since Admiral Hackett had informed them that repairs on the mass relay had been completed. That had been two days ago. She couldn't help but be nervous and, quite honestly, terrified; they were approaching the relay back to the Sol system. Back to Earth and what remained of the Citadel.
For her part, Ashley gave no indication that Tali's nervousness caused her any irritation. Considering how long they'd known each other, her nervousness came as little surprise. Ashley paced slowly, methodically behind the quarian admiral, saying nothing.
Joker piped up. "Hey, uh, ladies? Spectre and admiral? I've done this before, you know."
"It is not you that concerns me, Joker. I just hope the relay still actually works." Tali had spoken plainly, stating the obvious.
"Yeah, Tali. Me too." Joker sounded tired; sounded lonely. Looking at the empty chair that until recently EDI had faithfully occupied by the pilot's side, she realized that he was just as exhausted as she was. As she presumed that they all were.
Keelah, he's just as heartbroken, too. Except there's no hope for EDI. I at least still have that, I think. As tenuous as it is.
For what it's worth, Joker, I'm sorry.
"OK, hitting the relay in 3…2…1…"
Tali couldn't watch.
When she opened her eyes again, she was still on the bridge, Joker was still at the conn, and Ashley stood behind her. Before them lay open space, and Joker confirmed that they were indeed in the Sol system.
"Okay, chalk one up for Admiral Hackett and his team." There was a noticeable lack of mirth in his voice. Joker opened a communications channel.
"Admiral Hackett, this is Flight Lieutenant Moreau of the SSV Normandy, we have cleared the relay and are in route to your coordinates."
A pause.
"Copy that, lieutenant. We'll see you at the rendezvous point. Welcome home." His grizzled voice betrayed his own fatigue, but the admiral also sounded hopeful.
Ashley let out an audible sigh and placed a hand on Tali's shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze. When she turned her head to face her, Ashley spoke.
"Tali, we've got a couple of hours before we reach the fleet and the…Citadel. Go, get some rest."
The quarian opened her mouth to protest, but instead simply thanked Ashley, and walked off the bridge to the elevator. Stepping inside, she paused. Once again, her hand hovered over the button for Deck 1.
Keelah, here we go again. But you can do this. Just press the button.
She finally did.
Tali had a much harder time with the door to the cabin itself.
It's just a door, Tali'zorah. You know what's behind it. Just go in and get it over with. You're this close, and one way or another you're going to know soon enough.
Just…what did Shepard used to say?
"Just rip off the bandage."
Just…just get it over with.
She steadied herself with a deep breath, consciously trying to keep her nervousness in check. "OK Tali. Just rip off the bandage."
The door hissed as it opened, detecting her presence. As she entered, the lights flickered, and then illuminated fully. Before her was their cabin, looking no worse for wear considering everything that had happened. She smiled weakly as she gazed at the fish tank, remembering that Liara had said that it had made it through unscathed.
It looks like someone still remembered to feed the fish. Liara, maybe?
She chuckled weakly at the thought.
There was other evidence that someone had made sure that the room was presentable again: the photo that she had taken – the one without her mask – had been replaced on the nightstand; Shepard's old tags (returned by Liara) had been placed on his desk once again, but on the right-hand side now; in its place on the left were two smaller pictures – one being the group photo taken on their last shore leave as an entire crew,
"Shepard, it's an emergency induction poooort."
"Tali, it's a straw."
"Emergency…induction port." She said this with both conviction and wonder. She wasn't sure whom she was trying to convince.
"Wouldn't you like to see the omnitat…omnitatto…omnitoo…? It was Jack's idea…she said you'd liiiike it."
and the other was a photo that she didn't know existed. It was this photo that drew her attention.
She recognized it instantly.
"John, why are we coming down here?"
"It's something of a special place, well, for me, anyway."
"But it's just the Citadel, Shepard. The lower wards…near the bottom."
She giggled softly at the inside joke first introduced by her friend Liara. She looked at Shepard as he starts laughing. Her laughter escalates, as does his. They shared the ridiculous moment as he grabbed her by her own "lower wards" and pulled her to him.
"I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite spot on the Citadel." He squeezed her ass for emphasis.
She let out a soft moan of arousal. "That's funny Shepard, that's my favorite spot, too."
They stayed like that for a moment, his hands firmly on her butt, as she pressed tightly into his chest. He took a step back and moved his hands to her hips and looked fiercely into her eyes - the glowing orbs that shone through the fog of her mask. He was now serious and a little solemn.
"Tali, this is the precise spot where I first met you. It probably isn't that fond of a memory for you-"
She turned her head, looking around the room. She was somewhat incredulous.
"You mean because I was almost killed."
"Right, there is that…but it's the 'almost' that matters, isn't it? You were almost killed, but meeting you was the difference between 'was' and 'almost'. In that 'almost' lies the difference, do you see? Without that 'almost', I don't meet you. I don't fall in love with you. And I would certainly be a lesser man without that 'almost'."
He had spoken frantically and…a little manically. Tali was taken aback by the force and passion in his words. She wasn't sure she understood what he had meant; maybe her translator wasn't working properly?
Shepard continued. "Tali, my point is that I am so thankful for the little things, the circumstances that led me to you, the little joys that I've experienced with you along the way. The way that you make me smile by just being near you; the way that you always know what to say to put me in the right frame of mind. The way that you…healed me when no one else could. The way you make me laugh in even the most dire of situations. Just…everything. That's what you are for me, Tali'zorah vas Normandy: everything."
Finally understanding what he'd been trying to convey, she was crying softly at his words.
Keelah, she thought, how did I get so lucky as to have this man love me so much?
He leaned in and gently rested his forehead against her faceplate, in what they've come to recognize as their own peculiar display of affection when she is masked.
"That's it, Tali: you're my everything."
Tali didn't even know that she had picked up the photo. She marveled at the way Shepard's forehead rested against hers, and she ran her finger across the photo, tracing the outline of his face. She had been lost in a memory that she hadn't entertained in –
"Too long," she said thickly, and carefully placed the photo back on the desk.
She looked around the room again, spinning on her heels. She spotted the flashing orange light on Shepard's terminal. Her curiosity got the better of her as she walked to the desk and sat down.
Opening the terminal, she was greeted with a standard access credentials request box.
She smiled almost mischievously.
Well, I wonder what his password is? Hmmm…let's try this:
B-O-S-H-T-E-T
A notification in red letters indicated that not only was her attempt incorrect, but that it also needed to be between 8 and 16 characters.
"That would've been too easy." She softly giggled as she stared at the screen, racking her brain, thinking that it should be obvious.
She tried again:
K-E-E-L-A-H-S-E-L-A-I
The screen went dark for a moment, and she was afraid that she had committed some fatal error that locked her out. Instead, the screen came back on and presented to her another photograph: this one of her on Rannoch, when Shepard had gifted her with a simple rock. It was a piece of Rannoch - the homeworld she wished to see one day - so she could carry around a bit of home until she could return.
"It's a start."
She stood on the cliff, with her arms extended slightly at her sides, mask in her left hand. The orange light of Ticcun bathed her in the resplendent glory of a sunset on Rannoch.
"Right now, I have this."
Keelah, he loved me so much.
She fought back tears again and internally chastised herself for this indulgence.
What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Ashley was right; I should be sleeping. But how can I? Not when so much of the best of my life is right here. It's too…raw. I can't ignore it. I'm in too deep.
She found the flashing icon indicating the presence of a new message. Hovering over the icon, its subject flashed on screen:
"For Tali"
She immediately panicked.
Oh no. No no no. I cannot do this. This is going to be too much –
Almost involuntarily, she pushed herself away from the desk, but didn't actually move. She was petrified of what she might find. She stared at the floor, almost hyperventilating.
You're going to have to read this eventually, Tali. Just do it.
In a forceful motion and demonstration of her will, she pulled herself back to the desk, and opened the file. To her surprise, delight, and sorrow, it was a video recording.
Sheppard was sitting in a battered chair in a ruined building. His N7 helmet sat in his lap. In her mind, she could hear the faint sounds of gunfire and mortar in the background. It was Earth. London. This was very near to the end. He looked weakly at the camera, looking haggard and clearly exhausted. Again, Tali fought back tears, but was largely unsuccessful.
"I'm so sorry, John. Serya, you didn't deserve this…" Without realizing it, she ran a gloved finger across the screen. Shepard began talking.
"I bet you tried 'bosh'tet' first."
Tali let out a little laugh. He knew her so well.
The commander laughed a little, it was a tired and dry sound.
"Tali, if…if you're watching this, then I guess that means one of two things, neither of which I'm exceptionally fond of: we either won, or we lost; in either case, I'm most likely dead.
Granted, I've been dead before, but I don't think this particular brand of lightning can strike twice." He chuckled to himself.
"That's probably an idiom you'll have to ask Ash about."
"No, you bosh'tet, I actually know that one." She was able to produce a small smile.
He smiled weakly before wiping a bare hand across his forehead.
"I'm going to…hold on to the hope that you're watching this while on your way to Rannoch."
He paused, and a tear ran down his face.
"I…so wanted to be there with you, for you. I…dreamed of being an old man, living with and loving you on Rannoch. We'd built you your home – our home, I'd hope."
He let out a small, soft laugh. It was a sound of sadness.
"Tali, I loved you with everything I had. I was…devoted to loving you in a way that was only trumped by my desire to ensure that you lived. You are…so amazing, Tali'zorah. Please don't ever doubt that. You are a gift: to me, to our friends, to your people. Your intelligence, devotion, your humor, your hips…"
He laughed loudly, genuinely, and looked at the camera – at her – with a sly grin.
"…are gifts that I have never taken for granted. Every moment with you has been a moment that, for a long time, I felt that I didn't deserve. But you changed that in me. You were always afraid that you didn't measure up to me, but it was I who tried to measure up to you. I hope I did ok."
"You did more than that and you know it, serya." Tali whispered her reply, it was all her constricted throat would allow her to do.
"I'm not sure about this next thing I'm going to say, and I don't know if this is the correct convention for how quarian names work, but," now it was Shepard's turn to start fidgeting. "I was very much hoping to make you…uh…'Tali'Shepard vas Rannoch'. Forgive me if that's not at all how that works. I, uh, just wanted to…I probably shouldn't have told you that bit."
He looked away from the camera and chastised himself. "Jesus Christ, Shepard. You saved that for this video? Idiot."
He smiled at the camera before continuing. "Yeah, so there. I, uh, was going to do that…after the war." He raised his hands sheepishly. "Uh, surprise?"
He paused again, shaking his head at himself, for being as obtuse as ever.
"Anyway, serya, if there's something for me after death, know that I'll always wait for you."
She paused the video and sobbed loudly. She knew exactly what he had insinuated. She'd researched human bonding and relationships and had come across the human practice of marriage, and the traditional change of the last name of one of the partners. He had slickly combined that with the quarian designation of home – Rannoch, in her case. It broke her heart. In truth, he had nailed it. She would've had no problems with replacing "Zorah" with "Shepard".
Oh John…why did you have to tell me that? How does that make this easier on me? Immediately, she chastised herself. Tali'zorah, you bosh'tet! How dare you! He had so much love for you, and if this was his last message, he was going to make damn sure you knew how he felt.
She resumed the video playback.
"With that said, I don't want you to die with me. You'll mourn me, but don't forget that your life is still before you. There is so much for you to live for, Tali, even if I can't be there to see it with you in person. Live a life that you would be proud to tell me about."
He stopped talking as he pressed a few buttons and made sweeping gestures on his own omnitool.
"There. That's done."
He looked back at the camera, still looking excruciatingly tired, but somehow…relieved.
"Tali, assuming that the Reapers are defeated and the galaxy can resume normal service, I've left instructions with Barla Von. In the event that I don't make it out, once that is…" he swallowed hard before continuing, "officially declared, everything that I have is yours. Everything in the apartment, everything in the cabin on the Normandy, and whatever credits are in my name."
"And of course, my heart."
He paused again. Visible tears streaked lines as they ran through the dust that covered his cheeks.
"I am so sorry if this is the best I could do, if coming back to you is something that I'm not able to do. Please forgive me."
He once again wiped them from his face. Taking a few deep breaths, he continued, his voice breaking noticeably.
"Okay, that's all I can say, except 'thank you,' Tali. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being the best part of my life. I love you, and will cherish you always. And, yes, it was definitely worth it. All of it.
"Goodbye, Miss Vas Normandy."
Tali'zorah did not know when or how she had fallen asleep, because she woke up in their bed to the sound of the door chime. She was hugging John's pillow tightly to herself.
Ugh. What a terrible dream.
Oh keelah, John would you get th-
Oh.
Swallowing back that particular thought, she instructed whoever had woken her to come in.
In stepped one Garrus Vakarian.
"Good morning, Tali." He had managed to produce a light smile – inasmuch as turians could do so.
Looking around, he saw the open terminal with a still image of his best friend sitting in a battered chair in a decimated building. The "pause" icon shone brightly at the center of the image, the dead giveaway that indicated a video recording. Garrus shook his head in sadness. He could only imagine what watching that had been like for her.
"Hi Garrus," she said meekly. She sat up in the bed, still holding the pillow to her chest.
He took a seat on the couch that sat opposite her. "How are you feeling? Did you at least get some sleep?"
She nodded her head. "Yes, I did manage some sleep. Judging by the time, more than I'd have expected."
Garrus noted the one omitted answer. "And my other question?"
Damn it.
"Can I…what did he used to say?" She tried to think of something John had said to her before…
"John, what were you trying to do?"
She had been awakened from her slumber by an atrocious smell; awakened from one of the few joyous opportunities in which she could indulge in substantial time outside her suit. They had managed to rig the master bedroom in Anderson's apartment with a custom-built sophisticated sterilization suite. In her need to investigate the offending aroma, she would have to leave the clean bubble of their bedroom. Grunting her displeasure as Tali navigated the intricate web of clasps and fabric that comprised her protective suit, she thought with more than a hint of annoyance that it'd 'better be a damn emergency'.
When she found the source of the problem, she was standing in the kitchen, with her serya staring down at the stove, looking forlornly at…something. She looked at the pan sitting on top of the stove in utter disbelief. Whatever substance was sitting in it was clearly not edible.
"Uh…breakfast? In bed? For you?" He grinned at her sheepishly. It was a disaster, and he knew it.
She walked to him, wrapping her arms around him.
They both looked disapprovingly at the offending mess. Stepping away, she tapped a few icons on her omnitool.
Curious, he asked "What was that for?"
"I'm turning on the air purifiers in my suit."
"They're not already on?"
She laughed. "I didn't finish. I'm turning them to 110% capacity. There's no way I can smell that without making a mess of my suit."
He laughed again. "Fair enough. Ugh…" His face contorted in disgust as his laughter had forced him to make a large inhalation of his own. He had had enough of the foul odor himself, and Tali's mention of it seemed to put him over the edge. He grabbed the pan and swiftly disposed of whatever the hell that had been.
She returned to him and resumed her previous stance. This time she began to stroke the back of his neck. She loved feeling him against her. The feeling was mutual.
"Tell me John, were you attempting to make a dextro breakfast just for me?"
He cleared his throat, clearly embarrassed. "Um, yes. It was supposed to be a quarian recipe but…"
Understanding now, she asked "John, have you ever cooked a dextro breakfast before? Let alone a quarian one?" She knew the answer already.
"I'd like to plead the fifth."
She shook her head, not understanding. "Plead the what?"
"It's an old human expression, taken from the constitution of the United States of America, one of Earth's countries. Remember when I told you about where I grew up?"
She nodded. "In Philadelphia?" She hoped that she had pronounced it correctly.
"Mmhmm, that's the one. It was actually written there. Shame it didn't last…anyway, one of its parts included a clause that was called the 'Fifth Amendment', which permitted someone on trial to refuse to answer a question, if his answer would incriminate himself."
There was silence while he waited for Tali to put the pieces together.
Playfully, she slapped his chest. "Keelah John. I can't believe you didn't practice first."
"What can I say? I thought watching vids would've been enough."
"I 'plead the fifth' on that question, Garrus."
"Plead the wh…oh. I remember that one." He smiled at her, knowing that she would have only picked up that turn of phrase from the commander.
She released the pillow, placing it with a sort of reverence next to her own. Her eyes and gloved hand lingered on it for a moment as she let out an audible sigh. She sat next to Garrus and looked at him earnestly.
"Garrus, do you think…do you think that Shepard might actually be alive? Like I'm not completely living in a…fantasy by just hoping? Because I…don't know how…I don't know how to do this. I have to believe that he's alive…I don't know…how…to do this without him." She gestured with her arms open, indicating that she meant "everything".
"I…was maybe going to resign myself to this slow, steady torture of trying to live without him. I…didn't think that I would be able to do that…at least not for very long. Before I'd just…give up." She was slowly wringing her hands together, and her voice betrayed how close it was to breaking again. Her implication was both ominous and honest. She was not speaking with hyperbole.
Gesturing to the commander's terminal, she continued. "You probably saw…on the monitor on his desk. He left me a message. It hurt so much to see him like that. He was so tired…" She paused contemplatively. "He was going to…he wanted to…" her voice trailed off again. Garrus simply watched her, knowing that she would find the words.
She inhaled deeply, trying to muster the steel to continue. "Garrus, did you know that quarians fall in love, it's not just a…keelah, how do I explain this? It's not a thing that we do lightly, because like our immune systems on Rannoch, we worked symbiotically…"
She sighed in frustration. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love Shepard. And…I don't think that, as a quarian, I'll be able to love anyone else. Ever. Certainly not like this."
Garrus nodded sympathetically. "I'm still not sure I follow, Tali."
"Well, when quarians 'fall in love' we become…'linked' to our lovers. Some kind of symbiosis thing that our entire species was designed with when we were on Rannoch, I think. Once the process is complete, it cannot really be undone. Keelah, Garrus, I could feelhim. In a part of me that I hadn't known existed, his presence was there, and I couldn't escape it. I didn't want to escape it. And for him? There were indications that he was undergoing something similar, in whatever capacity humans could do so. We would finish each other's sentences, he would instinctively know where I was, and sometimes I would be able to tell what he was thinking. It's…so complicated. There aren't many bondings between quarians and other species, so the evidence was limited…" her voice trailed off as she sought to find words to make the process make more sense. "If he's not alive, I don't know what I'll do."
She paused, then added "For the record, being with Shepard is nothing like 'Fleet and Flotilla'. Of course, it wasn't a documentary, and I didn't take the vid seriously or anything…"
Garrus breathed deeply, contemplating. "Tali, please. I know it's a long shot. I mean, the Citadel looked like it was…it was seriously damaged." He paused, trying to measure his response; trying to balance hope with pragmatism. "You are my dear friend, and I'll always be here for you. Honestly, if anyone could survive something like that, I like to think that it would be Shepard. But…he's still just a man. He's not invincible." He paused, watching as the lights of Tali's eyes dimmed and then disappeared as her body shook. Garrus began to hug her when she stopped him.
"Please Garrus, I don't want to feel anyone else right now. Maybe…once I know for sure…" Her voice wavered once more.
He nodded in understanding. "Well Tali, hopefully we'll have some answers soon. We're approaching Earth." He stood up, extending his hand to help his friend off the couch. He was relieved when she took it.