A/N: Thanks to ScarletEyedChainUser for betaing!
"Killua… you know that I didn't mean any of the stuff I said back then, right?" Gon tried to catch the white-haired boy's eye.
Killua had just turned off the television, and was getting ready for bed, while Gon was sitting on his bed wearing a pair of soft green pajamas. They were staying in a simple hotel room a few blocks away from the hospital.
An awkward silence filled the air, interrupted only by Alluka's soft snoring.
After all the excitement of Gon's healing and him finally meeting Ging, they had decided to stay here for the night.
"You have to wake up early tomorrow to climb the World Tree… get some sleep…" Killua chose to ignore Gon's question. They were alone for the first time since… that. So many things stood between them that they needed to talk about. Killua didn't feel ready enough to sort out that mess…
Gon, however, wasn't about to give up that easily. He understood Killua's awkwardness but couldn't stop himself. He had a nearly endless list of things he had to apologize to Killua for.
"I'm sorry… I was just so angry at Pitou… And myself. None of that should have been directed at you. It wasn't your fault."
Killua silently continued his work, his white fringe covering his eyes.
For a long time neither of them said a word. A heavy silence had settled down between them. They were both stuck in the past.
"You have it easy, Killua. You're perfectly calm. Since it means nothing to you..."
The words stood between them like a wall.
Gon thought about the hatred he had felt back then. He was angry at Pitou for what they'd done to Kite, but most of all… he was angry at himself...for being too weak to help Kite. Unable to deal with those feelings, he had ended up lashing out at the only other person there- Killua.
A strong feeling of guilt washed over him. It has been unfair. Immeasurably cruel on his part.
He realised how harsh his words had been. Killua was his best friend. He had always supported him. Looking back on it now, Gon could see how often Killua had disregarded himself for his friend's sake. He had always followed Gon blindly into whatever he did and stayed behind to clean up after him… And after all that, Gon had only repaid him with undeservingly harsh words…
The black-haired boy clenched his fists, his throat tightening with remorse. How he wished he could take it all back and start their friendship over again…this time treating him in a much better way…
Killua knew the fire of Gon's anger had not been directed at him, but his words had still cut deep into his soul, leaving wounds that could never truly heal.
He would have done anything for Gon, he was still ready to. Their friendship had given his life purpose for the first time. He had been the light Killua would follow to the ends of the world and sacrifice himself for in a matter of seconds. He had felt indebted towards the boy, who, for the first time in his life, had brought him out of the shadows of his upbringing. All he had longed for was Gon's trust.
It had been shattered.
Killua had felt their bond crumble during the battle. Gon was far gone, lost in his rage. They should have fought together, not simply next to each other. He could feel the distance between them grow. But Killua would not leave Gon. He would protect him like he always did, even if that meant protecting him from himself.
Since it means nothing to you…
The words had brought Killua's world to a screeching halt. Gon had no idea how much Kite's death had meant to him, just because it had meant something to Gon. Just when he thought he had finally found himself, his place in the world, some sort of self-worth; a few simple words had broken everything apart.
In the back of his mind he knew it wasn't true. But the back of his mind was just that… the back…
He had failed Gon. He had failed himself. What was he even doing in this world anymore?
Of course, he had tried to reason with his friend. One last desperate attempt to bring him back from the dark edge.
He had remained calm, despite the storm inside. Calm. How ironic.
When Gon didn't listen Killua had turned around and left with a hollow and empty feeling in his chest.
"You know what hurt the most?" Killua finally broke the silence. "That you didn't seem to trust me to fight with you. I tried to help you. We could have done it together, you know."
When Killua fought against Palm the dam finally broke. He couldn't do anything to help his friend. Save him from the darkness that threatened to swallow him, that Killua knew there was no coming back from. If he'd just been able to get through to Gon… maybe this whole disaster could have been prevented.
Gon lowered his eyes to the wooden floor. "I…I just felt like I had to do this on my own...I owed it to Kite. That was my fight."
"It wasn't!"
Killua's aura became much more intense. He balled his hands into fists and pressed them down onto the mattress of the bed he now sat on.
"I was also there when Kite died. I wanted to save him as much as you did. It was never just your fight!"
Killua took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. He didn't want to wake Alluka up.
"We could have done it together...as friends." His voice became much softer. Tears threatened to pour out. The two eyes finally met, and Gon's gaze was full of honest regret.
"I never realised I hurt you so much. I mean... I knew my words were wrong, but I never really saw how deeply they hit you. I…I'm truly sorry." Tears slipped down Gon's cheeks.
Killua nodded. Nothing more. It was a nod of acknowledgment. Gon had apologized. It was the right thing to do, but it still couldn't undo those dreadful words.
The white haired boy glanced at his sister. Her innocent, vulnerable face, surrounded by black hair sprained all over the pillow without the usual ties to hold it together. Despite the tense situation Killua couldn't help the small smile on his lips.
Oh how he loved his little sister. She had mended his world back together after it had shattered. No matter the past, thanks to her he could now see a path to a better future.
"When I first met you, you were like a light guiding me out of the dark." Killua heard himself say. "You showed me what it means to truly live and...have friends. I admired you. I always felt like I had to repay you for that. Like...I had to prove myself to be worthy of your friendship all the time. I guess that's why...I always ended up cleaning up the messes you made, no matter what happened."
"Killua." Gon sniffed, wiping his red cheeks to get rid of the stray tears on it. "You never had to earn the right to be my friend."
"I understand that now. I learnt a lot about myself in these past few days, but for a long time that was how I felt. I guess… our grasps on the concept of friendship were very different. Through our friendship I grew so much as a person, but... when it was broken by your words...a part of me shattered with it."
Killua's voice was calm. He was surprised to find that this mirrored his inner state. He really had grown over the past few days, hadn't he?
For a while, all went silent again, save for their slightly elaborate breathing. Gon was staring at the ground thoughtfully.
"I think… I understand now…" He lifted his eyes and looked directly into Killua's. They were filled with determination. But it was different from the one he wore in battle. It was filled with love.
Gon took Killua's hand. The other boy tensed.
It's just Gon. He told himself and relaxed again.
"Killua, I am very sorry for what I did and said. I know an apology isn't going to fix everything, but I promise that I won't do it again. From now on I will listen to you closely and not always insist on doing things my own way. I'll never hurt you again by saying mean things either. I promise."
Gon intertwined their fingers in a pinkie swear. The fierce determination and pure honesty in his friend's eyes warmed Killua to the core. He felt the light again...felt it heal the wounds in his heart, leaving nothing more than faint scars, barely noticeable. A smile started to spread on Killua's face as he stared into those pure brown eyes.
Yes, he still admired Gon for his light. But it felt different now. The blessing that was Gon's friendship wasn't a debt to be paid back anymore, but a mutual deep trust.
"I'm going to make up for what I said. I'm really so, so, so, sooo sorry-" Gon bowed, "-I'll make sure you feel appreciated and not obligated to follow me anymore."
There was a proud, but somewhat stupid smile on his face as he rose back up.
"Baka…" Killua murmured, a blush creeping up on his face. He flicked Gon's forehead fondly. "Even though I have probably just been following you around this whole time, I have still somewhat developed. I know what I wanna do now-" He smiled at his little snoring sibling, "-I'm going to look after Alluka and Nanika and protect them. I have found my purpose."
"I'm not an idiot." Gon pouted. "If anything, you're one. You're just devoting yourself to the next person. How is that better than what you had been doing earlier?"
"Of course it's better! I'm not devoting myself to anyone. I'm going to go see the world with my little sister. I'm doing this because I want to!" Killua shot back.
And just like that they were back to their usual bickering, a smile shining on their faces, revealing how much they had missed it.
Their friendship had remained intact after all. It was stronger than this.
Once they were tired out enough from their argument they fell down on their beds, mischievous smiles playing around their lips.
Killua was about to fall asleep when Gon's voice asked in the dark. "Would you and Alluka like to accompany me to the World Tree?"
"Hmph…" The boy pretended to think. "The world's tallest tree… Why not? It sounds fun. We would love to join you!"
"Great..." Gon's sleepy voice answered, only to be replaced by a faint snoring moments later.
"Baka…" Killua mumbled happily before drifting off into a peaceful slumber.
An idiot had managed to become his best friend. Despite what they had gone through, their bond had only grown stronger. Nothing could ever break them apart, he was sure of that!