A/N - This one made me emotional in so many ways! This is for my dear Victoria (eoswiftie26) who is the very reason I got on Twitter in the first place! So, Happy Birthday my dear! I hope I do the song/couple justice. Based on "This Love" as per her request by Taylor Swift from 1989. Enjoy! Don't forget to drop a review!
Clear blue water
High tide came and brought you in
And I could go on and on, on and on, and I will
Skies grew darker
Currents swept you out again
And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone
Olivia sat on the floor of her apartment, another glass of wine in her hand. Tears streamed down her face as she tried to breathe. Everything was coming at her at once. Years of memories, things she'd tried to forget, things she didn't see for the truth until now. So much of her early life had been her struggling for control, struggling to try and stay afloat. Reaching out for something, anything, anyone that would save her.
Burton had been that person. Or so she had told herself. Back then it seemed like love. Back then she had been swept off her feet. Back then she believed that he could take her away. That they would get married, that everything would change. That she would finally be safe.
But she was sixteen.
Sixteen.
What the hell did she know about love at sixteen?
Hell now past 50, she barely knew what love was, what it was supposed to be. None of this made sense. How had she not seen it? How had she not seen the red flags?
Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes, each one she passes goes ah…The song kept playing over and over and she felt sick to her stomach. How long had she been doing this? How many girls had she seen fall prey to someone like Burton? How had she now allowed herself to see herself that way?
She knew deep down what the reason was. She didn't want to believe it. She wanted to feel it was love. She wanted to believe that someone truly did care about her. That someone wanted to save her. No one ever did. Not until Elliot. He'd made her feel safe. For twelve years, she felt safe by his side. Confused at times, but safe nonetheless. And then he was gone.
Having Burton back, having Elliot back..it was all too much. Having to face her past was not something she had ever been good at. She preferred to bury it deep down in the sand and pretend it didn't exist. Pretend that she was fine, that she was strong. Never wanted anyone to ever see her break. But she needed to break. She needed to let it out.
She was tired.
So fucking tired of being strong.
So fucking tired of being left.
Of not being enough.
More than that…she was so fucking tired of being alone.
Noah was asleep and she didn't want him to see her like this. Placing her wine glass down, the red liquid inside sloshed around, threatening to spill over but she didn't care. Pulling her phone from her pocket, her hands shook as she tried to scroll through the contacts. When she pressed his name she knew he wouldn't answer. He couldn't answer. Today he wasn't Elliot Stabler. He was Eddie Wagner but at the moment, she didn't really care.
"Hi. You've reached Elliot Stabler. Leave a message and I'll get back to you."She couldn't help the bitter laugh that escaped her lips, the taste of her wine lingering, "Am I supposed to believe that? Never called back after ten years." The sob erupted in her throat and she whimpered, "Fuck. No. Damn you Elliot Stabler. How after all this time do I still fucking care? Why when I'm completely falling apart do I only want to talk to you?" Resting her head on her knees she let the tears fall, "I can't breathe…I can't breathe El and it feels like everything is falling apart. Maybe it has been my whole life but I can't hold on anymore. And I'm scared. How did I not see? How did I not see him for who he was? I just wanted to feel…something. Anything. But I'm tired…I'm so fucking tired and I really need you. But you aren't here…you're never here. I-"
The phone beeped, and she dropped it to her side in frustration, "God damn it."
Ooh, but I watch her so sadly
Aah, por que tudo é tão triste?
Yes, I would give my heart gladly
But each day, when she walks to the sea
She looks straight ahead, not at meShe growled, the tears burning down her face and reached for the tape player. Pulling it out, she tossed it to the side and reached for her glass. When was someone going to be there for her when she needed it? When was it going to be her turn to fall apart and be saved?
In silent screams
In wildest dreams
I never dreamed of this
The mom had a revolving door of boyfriends. Virginia learned at an early age that men were just a commodity. That, and as arcane as it sounds, there is some truth to the notion that every girl wants to marry her father. Most of them outgrow it. When a father is absent, it is not unusual for a younger girl to be attracted to an older man. That's what this is about? It happens a lot more than you think.
How old were you? Almost 17. And he was? Older than 17. About as old as I am now. And I'll tell you something, I couldn't have loved him more. I don't care how you look at it, it's an unequal relationship. Being in love, that does not absolve an affair. I'm not saying that love is ever an excuse. I'm saying that soul mates come in all shapes and sizes and ages. Soul mates? Come on, Olivia. Elliot, she didn't remember the position of the body. Have you ever seen that? What are you trying to protect in her? Her. I'm trying to protect her. No, you're trying to protect your daughter, and you can't. Don't bring her into this.
Standing on the bridge that memory kept playing through her mind on a constant loop. Even then she had believed that Burton was her soulmate. That she had lost something, someone that would love her forever. Back then it all seemed so simple, so clear to her. And now she was confused, afraid of what else she had missed. She'd spent so long being mad at her Mother for trying to push him away. Thinking she was using her own experience with men, especially her Father as an excuse to not allow her to be loved. But now, now she knew. Her Mother had only been trying to protect her. She couldn't imagine the trauma it brought up for her, the anger, the hurt. And Olivia hadn't understood any of it. It amazed her that so many different parts of her life seemed so separate and yet they all were interwoven, circling back to the very thing she'd been trying to run from for years.
Her birth.
Sometimes she wished she'd never been born. That her Mother had gotten rid of her. Maybe they all would have been better off. Leaning against the ledge, she tried to breathe as anger, hurt, resentment and fear washed over her. Here she was Captain of the Special Victims Unit and all these years later, she realized she'd been a victim too. Swallowing hard, her hands shook as she reached for her phone.
For a moment, she wanted to call Elliot. But she knew it wouldn't do any good. When she had realized she had called him a few nights ago she had felt completely helpless and mortified. But she hadn't heard from him and part of her was hoping she wouldn't. Maybe it was better if he disappeared again. He was a mess too. She didn't need to drag him into her own web of sadness when he was already drowning.
Sighing, she pressed on another name and waited. Elliot's replacement. The man she'd tried to hate but learned to love. Nick Amaro. Even now when she wanted one partner, she reached out for the other to try and protect herself, to protect him, or maybe because she just couldn't face the truth. "Nick, it's Liv. I wanted to tell you that you were right, about Burton, and I'm sorry, for being so defensive. And thank you."
Taking a deep breath, she ended the call, slipped the phone in her pocket and took out the tape in its place. Letting it sit in her hands, it felt heavy. Very heavy. Giving it one last look, she tossed it in the water below her, feeling the weight slowly begin to lift off her shoulders. When she turned back around, she knew that it would never really go away but she could at least try and move on.
But moving on was never easy. Especially when there was so much left unsaid. As she walked, she heard a loud motor in the distance but she ignored it. Until she realized it was getting closer and closer. When she got to the end of the bridge, she looked up and for a moment she thought she had to be hallucinating. But the motorcycle stopped, the man kicked at the kickstand and placed his feet on the ground on either side of him, "Hey."
Her breath caught in her throat as she looked at him. She'd seen him since he was undercover but he looked so different. So damn different. And yet…maybe he was exactly what she needed tonight.
"What are you doing here?" She asked slowly, "How did you even know where I was?"
Shrugging he sighed, "I should have been here sooner but I didn't get your message until tonight."
Her eyes went wide and her cheeks flushed in embarrassment, "Shit."
Smiling softly he shrugged, "Hey…I showed up at your apartment completely out of my mind. We can trade feelings of embarrassment another day, alright?" When she didn't respond he whispered, "Besides, after everything we've been through, I don't think you have anything to feel embarrassed about Liv. Even Superwoman is allowed to break sometimes."
Closing her eyes tightly, she tugged at her coat and sighed, "How did you know-"
"Fin." He said softly, "I went to the Station first and he told me you might be visiting someone in this area…" He cocked his head towards the hotel behind them, "Didn't say much though…only that if you wanted to tell me I'd have to be patient."
The thought of telling him the truth about Burton scared her. Then again, thinking back to the memory she'd had, she knew that he knew she'd been young and reckless. He never seemed to judge her for it then, but would he now? Would he understand? Licking her lips, she looked down at the ground, "I don't know if I have the strength right now…"
He nodded and rested against the handlebars, "That's okay too."
Her mind was reeling as she took in the situation, trying to comprehend what was happening, "Is it safe for you to be here?"
One shoulder lifted in a curious shrug, "Safe enough. But…I don't really care about all that right now." When she looked back up at him his voice dropped low and he whispered, "All I care about right now is making sure my partner is okay…"
Slowly, she took a few steps towards him and then stopped when she stood directly in front of him. Without thinking twice, she lifted her hand, letting her hand trail across the beard on his face, "So…are you Elliot Stabler or Eddie Wagner tonight?"
Leaning into her touch, he spoke honestly, "I'm whoever you need me to be Liv."
He heard the sharp intake of breath, saw the way her hands shook as they lowered from his face to his shoulder, holding onto him for balance, "I really need my best friend."
Nodding slowly, he reached behind him for a helmet, "Elliot Stabler it is then. Hop on." She hesitated slightly and he saw the worry, the fear, "Liv, I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I promise."
And there it was. That feeling of safety. The thing she'd been missing for so long. Nodding once, he lifted the helmet and placed it on her head. She moved again and he held the bike in place. Climbing up behind him, it didn't feel strange to hold him close. Didn't feel weird at all to be this close to him. Instead, she leaned into it, felt the bike roar to life and knew that at least for tonight, she was safe. Completely and totally safe to fall apart. And she'd never been more grateful that he had come back to her.
This love is good
This love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead, oh, oh, oh
These hands had to let it go free, and
This love came back to me, oh, oh, oh
Ohh
Oh, oh, oh
As Elliot sped through the streets of New York, she suddenly felt like a teenager again. How ironic she thought given the last week. As she held him closer, she thought, if only she had met him back then. Then again…there would be so much they didn't have. 6 children between them. And that was a world she didn't want to live in. And maybe at 16, Elliot Stabler wouldn't have been the right person for her.
But was he now?
She felt the bike slow down, felt the vibrations between her legs settle but it did nothing to tamper the need she had for him. Nothing could. Not even 23 years, 10 years of those apart from one another. Elliot pulled over, parked the bike and waited for her to pull herself off before he moved to make sure it didn't tip too much.
Yanking the helmet off her head, she took a deep breath, trying to control the many emotions threatening to erupt within her. Running a hand through her hair, she felt the beginning signs of a panic attack building. She felt sadness, anger, rage and exhaustion and yet Elliot beside her also made her feel excitement knowing he was back. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him moving towards her but she put her hands up, shoving the helmet towards him before she moved to walk away.
Elliot stood there, unsure of what to do, "Are you okay?" She shook her head adamantly but still didn't look at him, "Do you feel sick?"
She shook her head again and looked at him, "Not because of the ride no…I-" Her voice cracked and she looked down, "I can't…"
Elliot stepped back, letting her take the moment she needed to collect herself. Leaning against the bike it took all of his strength to not pull her against him, to make her say something, anything so he could know what to do. And yet, watching her, he knew that when he was like this, he needed space. He'd pushed her away, everyone away time and time again. Back then when they were partners she tried to hold him close, tried to support him and it was never easy for him to let her in. She'd seen him fall apart more than Kathy, but still he had always felt he needed to do it alone.
When he'd showed up at her door that night, drugged, scared, confused, he knew she was the only thing that could fix him. And he had been right. Tonight, he hoped he could be that for her. Looking down, he let her pace, let her work through whatever this was in her head. He knew he'd missed so much. More than he could ever really make up for after ten years. And when he saw Fin tonight, he knew that whatever this was, was big. He hoped that maybe she trusted him enough again to let him in and to know that she could be vulnerable in front of him.
He wasn't sure how long they had been standing there, it didn't really matter. He would have waited all night if he had too. But finally, she looked up at him and started to speak, "I doubt you remember this…but years ago we had a case where a young girl was in love with an older man. We disagreed." She laughed and put a hand to her forehead, "That doesn't quite narrow it down…God knows we saw a lot of that but-"
And suddenly he knew exactly what she was talking about. "Virginia Hayes…"
She stopped short, turned back to look at him, shock written all over her face, "What?"
Clearing his throat he pushed himself off the side of the bike and walked towards her, "Virginia Hayes…she fell in love with her Mother's tenant. We disagreed on the case…"
Her mouth hung open slightly and finally she nodded slowly, "You remember?"
Elliot shoved his hands in his pockets, lifted his shoulders and smiled, "I remember a lot more than you think Liv." When she stepped back he whispered, "Especially when it comes to you and I."
Her heart started to pound harder and she turned, not feeling like she could look at him, "I said…I was talking about…"
"Soulmates." She stopped short again and he nodded, "You said that soulmates come in all shapes and sizes." He saw her inhale sharply and knew she was holding her breath, "I didn't understand what you were talking about…" When she turned back to him he whispered huskily, "But I do now."
Pressing a hand into her belly, she turned to him, "Elliot…"
He saw the fear on her face, the sadness, all the things she'd tried too hard to hold in for years, "Is this about the man you told me about that day?"
Her hands started to shake and she whispered, "I didn't know. I didn't see it…I didn't want to see it. I just…I wanted someone to want me. I wanted someone to love me. I believed him…I trusted him and I'm so stupid-"
"You are anything but stupid Olivia Benson." He spoke so sternly, she was surprised, "I'm not going to let you stand here and say that about yourself."
Shaking her head, she moved forward. They were off the beaten path, somewhere along the water and an old bench sat before them. Moving towards it, she sat down and huffed, "Well I feel like a fool. How did I not see him for who he was?"
"Olivia…you were a kid." She could hear the gravel under his feet as he moved towards her, "He took advantage of you." When she didn't move, he bent down in front of her, searching her face, "Olivia…you have to know that none of this was your fault."
Swallowing hard she whispered, "I just wanted to believe that someone could love me. But it wasn't love. None of this was love…it was about power. Control. And I hated my Mother for keeping him from me. I hated her, Elliot. I thought she was trying to control me but she was just trying to protect me."
"When we're young we don't see things clearly. Your Mother understood that." He whispered, "You know that she loved you."
"But why?" She whispered, "Why would she love me? Without me…without what happened to her she would have-"
"You can't blame yourself for what your Father did." He rested fully on his knees and sighed, "You know that…you have fought your whole life to prove yourself Liv. And look at you now. Look how far you've come. Captain of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit.."
Wiping at her eyes, she lifted her head to look at him, she laughed sadly, "Captain of the Special Victims Unit and can't even recognize when I'm a victim myself."
Quickly, he reached for her hand and squeezed tight, "No Liv…you're not a victim. You are a survivor. Always have been."
Her lip trembled as she lifted her head to look at him. There was still so much he didn't know and tonight, tonight she couldn't handle sharing it all, "I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired and I don't know if I can survive anymore…"
"You can. And you will." Standing up, he moved to sit beside her, wrapping his arm around her, "And I'll be right beside you. Where I always should have been."
The dam broke then. And she wondered not for the first time what would have happened if he had been there the last ten years. If he had been there for Lewis…what would have happened? She wanted to be angry. Wanted to feel frustrated with him. But right now she needed him. She'd meant that when she called him and she meant it now, "I just need you to be here El. I need my best friend."
Pulling her close, he ducked her head into the crook of his neck and dropped a kiss to her forehead, "I'm right here. I'm right here Liv. Let go."
And she did.
Holding on tight, she let the tears fall. Let all the years of pain, of disappointment, of fear and sadness spill from her soul and there was no holding it back. And for once in her life, she didn't want to hold back. She didn't want to be strong. She just wanted someone to make it all go away.
And at least for tonight…maybe he could.
Tossing, turning
Struggled through the night with someone new
And I could go on and on, on and on
Lantern, burning
Flickered in the night, only you
But you were still gone, gone, gone
It was all a blur when she woke up. She knew it was early. Very early. The sun was barely in the sky and only a dim light came in through the window. When she sat up, she tried to process what was going on. She knew she was in her room, but she had been so upset last night it felt like she was hungover even without a drop of alcohol. Turning her head, her heart jumped in her chest when she saw him sleeping sitting up in the chair beside her.
And then she remembered.
After her breakdown, Elliot had calmed her enough to be able to bring her home. She never would have climbed back on that bike with anyone other than him because she felt weak. But she knew he wouldn't let her fall. She was quiet, eerily quiet, and she knew that he felt it too. Parking the bike out front, he helped her get down and walk into the building. She was vaguely aware of him talking to Lucy before she walked to her bedroom, not wanting to face anyone else tonight. A few minutes later, he was there. She was standing awkwardly by her closet, trying to think of something to put on, think of anything she could say. But nothing came to mind. He moved towards her and she noticed he had a glass of water in his hand, "Here." With shaky hands, she took it slowly and sighed, "Thanks." Elliot moved back and nodded, "Are you hungry? I can try and make something or order-" She didn't finish her thought but he knew, "Been there…" Placing the glass down beside her bed she turned back to him, "What did Lucy say?" She stood there, in front of him, vulnerable, afraid, desperate to feel anything. Desperate for him to love her. The only thing she could think of was what he had said so many months ago. Without thinking, she leaned forward, pressing up on her toes and her lips hovered just above his, "El-" He hated how sad she looked, how defeated and embarrassed when she pulled away, "Oh." She tried to turn from him but he quickly reached for her hand and turned her back to him, "It's not that I don't want you. But…" Lifting his hand, he brushed back her hair, "Not like this. Not when you're upset. I want more than this…and you deserve more than this." Her hands clung to his arms and she whispered, "I just want to forget…" Feeling beyond exhausted, she knew that she wouldn't be changing his mind tonight. And as much as it hurt, she was grateful. Grateful that he actually did care. Grateful that he wouldn't let her do something she clearly wasn't ready for. She wanted him more than she could admit. But tonight wasn't the night. Not with the memory of Burton hanging over her. There was a difference she could see now. A difference between sex and intmacy. And with Elliot…it was so much more. Even without them crossing any lines. Leaning back on the pillows she felt him pulling one of the blankets up around her. He went to move and her hand reached out, gripping him tightly, "Please don't go." Moving the chair from the corner closer to her, he took her hand and nodded, "I'm not leaving. I'll be here when you wake up. I promise." Sighing, she let her eyes close as he rubbed slow circles on the inside of her wrist. And for the first time in days she felt like things were going to be okay. Eventually, they were going to be okay.
His voice was low, husky, filled with sleep and she shivered at the sound of it. "Morning…"
Tossing the small blanket on him to the side, he leaned forward, rolling his neck from side to side, "You sleep okay?"
Nodding, she moved to lean back against the headboard, "Surprisingly…yes."
"Good. I'm glad." They stared at each other for a few moments, both lost in the moment.
After ten years apart, it still felt strange to be back together. Even stranger to be waking up in the same bedroom. And yet…it also felt so right.
She watched him glance at his watch and she knew what was coming, "You have to go…"
Sighing sadly, he lifted his head to look at her, "Yeah…"
She saw the frustration on his face, the regret and she smiled, "It's okay El. I understand. You took a big risk even being here at all…"
Taking a deep breath, he stood up, stretched slightly and walked over to the bed to sit beside her, "You needed me. So I was here."
Biting down hard on her lip she smiled sadly and whispered, "Thank you."
He shook his head and smiled, "Nothing to thank me for."
"After all these years…you're still the longest relationship I've had with a man." She smirked softly, "Who else would put up with me?"
Smiling, he reached out and touched her cheek, "Liv…"
His hand was laid out between them and she knew he was giving her the option. She wanted to feel embarrassed for almost throwing herself at him last night. Instead she felt grateful that he had thought clearly between the two of them. She didn't want to ruin this. Now that she had him back, she needed to keep him here. Her fingers creeped towards his hand and he tangled his fingers with hers. "El…"
"I don't know when I'll be back." He heard her sniffle slightly and it broke his heart, "But I swear to you…I will come back."
Smiling sadly she lifted her head and whispered, "Try not to make it be another ten years…okay?"
He smiled and leaned forward, pressed his lips to her forehead and whispered, "I wouldn't survive another ten years." When he pulled away, he tilted her face up towards his, "You going to be okay?"
Letting out a shaky breath, she nodded, "Aren't I always?"
"Yes. You're a fighter Liv…don't let anyone ever make you feel like you aren't or tell you aren't. I've known that for 23 years. You're going to be okay." He squeezed her hand again, "Alright?"
Squeezing back she nodded, "Yeah. Alright."
He kissed her forehead once more and then pulled back, turning to walk towards the bedroom door. She watched him go and wished she could pull him back down onto the bed with her. Wished they could hide from the rest of the world. But as usual, there were still obstacles to climb, barriers between them and she just had to be patient.
"Hey Eddie Wagner…" He stopped, turned to look at her, surprised to hear her call him that and she knew it, "Make sure Elliot Stabler gets home safe…"
Squeezing the doorframe he smiled, "I will. He's got something pretty amazing to keep fighting for…"
"Glad he thinks so." She sighed and pulled a pillow into her lap, "I'll see ya."
Giving her a wink he smiled, "Yeah. you will."
And then he was gone. But she wasn't worried this time…he'd be back. He would definitely be back.
In losing grip
On sinking ships
You showed up just in time
He'd barely walked through the door and already he wanted to crawl into bed. It had been weeks, weeks and weeks of being Undercover. Weeks of being Eddie Wagner. And now it was over. Standing in his foyer, he sighed and dropped his bag on the floor, "Ma?"
Bernie was in the kitchen, moving around, turning to look at him she frowned, "You're home?"
Letting out a little breath he moved towards her, "Yeah. I'm home."
When he was standing before her, she took in his appearance and saw how tired he looked. How broken and she knew that so much of the past months, past years was going to start to come up to the surface. Reaching for him, she held his cheek in her hand and whispered, "You're home…"
Leaning down, he didn't hesitate to let her hug him. As much as their relationship was complicated, sometimes, all you needed was a hug from your Mother, no matter how old you were. She was getting frailer by the day and he knew that time was ticking. Not for the first time, he wished he hadn't wasted so much time. Not just with her…but with…
Shaking his head, he pulled back and tried to smile, "Kids okay?"
She rubbed his back and stepped back, "Dickie was by yesterday. Maureen and Lizzie took Eli to lunch today. Kathleen should be home late."
"Eli's been okay?" He asked nervously.
She nodded slowly, "He's been good. But he'll be glad to have you home."
Reaching across her, grabbed something off the plate she had laid out for him and popped it in his mouth, "Good."
Watching him carefully she whispered, "It was on the news you know…what happened at the trial."
Elliot froze, then turned back to her, "I'm fine Ma."
She huffed loudly and shook her head, "Fine. I hate that word fine. Your Father used it all the time when I asked about work. You think I can't see through you?"
"What do you want me to say?" He asked looking at her, "It's all…just complicated. Everything."
"I know." Leaning back against the counter she frowned, "But you can't keep it all bottled up Elliot. You've done that for years and it isn't healthy."
"Yeah well…" He stepped back to go towards his room, "Who am I going to talk to?"
As he walked towards his room, she called out to him, "You know who."
Clearing his throat, he turned back to her and shook his head, "Mom…she doesn't need my crap on top of her own life."
Rolling her eyes she sighed, "When are you going to figure out that she's the only one that will ever understand?"
He knew she was right. He wanted to see her. Of course he did. She was about the only person that could make him feel better right now. But there was so much riding on their relationship right now. He'd been gone for so long and owed her so much. His time as Eddie Wagner would be a disappointment to her and he was tired of disappointing her. He didn't want to cause her any more pain. And yet…the thought of keeping her at a distance again was terrifying.
Smiling softly, he nodded towards his Mom again, then turned to walk towards his room again needing to think. When he got to his room, he looked around at the space. It all seemed unfamiliar to him. He'd barely stayed here since they moved in. He didn't feel home. In fact, he wasn't sure when the last time he felt home was. Starting to unpack his bag, he caught his reflection in the mirror and saw the beard, he heard Ayanna's comment in his head and he laughed.
If he was going to be home, really home, he had to erase this last piece of Eddie Wagner. Walking into his bathroom, he jumped in the shower, let the water pound against his aching muscles and tried to think of anything other than Olivia. But of course, he couldn't. By the time he climbed out and moved to shave, his head was spinning. He'd killed people as Eddie Wagner. Hurt people. Betrayed people. Betrayed Flutura. Betrayed Olivia…even if they weren't together he knew he had. He felt it in his soul.
He was so lost in thought as he trimmed his beard, he almost didn't notice his son walking in. "Hey."
Eli looked up and smiled, "Hey. Just wanted to say goodnight."
His heart ached and yet, hearing his son say those words, something so simple calmed him, at least for the moment, "Good night. Talk tomorrow?"
"Sure." Eli paused for a moment and then added, "Glad you're home."
Looking back at the mirror, he continued his mission, to get rid of Eddie Ashes once and for all. Images of what he'd done, who he'd been, flashed through his mind like a movie as he worked. Every memory made his heart race, made him want to scream. Who was he anymore?
But as he wiped the towel over his face, he saw him. The glimpse of the man he had once been.
Elliot Stabler.When he walked back to his room, he sat down on the edge of the bed and tried to stop the thoughts, the fear but it seemed to only get worse. He felt like all the breath in his lungs was being ripped from his body and panic set in. Before he knew what he was doing, he reached for his phone and held it to his ear, "Hey…uh…" His voice shook as he spoke and he pressed a hand to his chest, trying to calm the beating of his heart, "You're probably at work. Or you're home. It's late…and Noah comes first. But I-" His voice cracked and he sighed, "I'm home and I…if you…if you can…can you come here? I shouldn't…I don't have the right to ask but Liv…I. Need. You. I…"
And then he hung up, leaning back not able to finish his sentence. Not able to think straight. Pressing a hand to his face he tried to breathe but he knew he couldn't. He felt like he was drowning and there was no way to break the surface. Not unless she was here…
This love is good
This love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead, oh, oh, oh
These hands had to let it go free, and
This love came back to me, oh, oh, oh
It had been a late night at work and it was taking all her strength to not call him. She'd heard about what happened, knew he was okay but it didn't mean it didn't terrify her any less. She hated that he had been undercover, especially given the state he was in before leaving. She just wanted him home.
She'd been in a meeting when he called. Now that she was back in her office, she reached for her phone and was surprised to see she had a voicemail. Thinking it might be Lucy, she held it to her ear and listened without looking. But when she heard his voice, she froze and she knew where she had to go. Shooting a text to Lucy, she stood up and grabbed her coat, walking towards the door.
When she got to the squad room, Fin was the only one there. He looked up from his desk, caught her eye and she knew he knew, "I've got everything covered. Tell him I said welcome home."
She smiled sheepishly and then whispered, "Thank you Fin."
And then she was gone.
By the time she got to his place, she realized how late it was and didn't want to wake Eli or Bernie. She remembered how to go in the back way from when he had taken her out there when she found Eli and the pills. Standing by the back gate, she froze and remembered their conversation not long after he'd come to her rescue after Burton.
I agree with Bernie, Elliot. I want you to come home. I intend to. Before it's too late. Liv, I'm being careful. I mean... before Eddie Wagner takes over and Elliot Stabler is nowhere to be found.
Hearing how broken he was on the phone, she worried that there would be nothing of her Elliot left after all. The gate creaked as she pushed it open and she cringed. Walking towards the back door, she peered in, hoping to see Elliot sitting in the living room. She didn't want to knock, didn't want to startle anyone. Her heart was rattling in her chest and she had never felt more out of place in her life. Unsure.
And then…the back door opened and she moved quickly without stopping. Expecting to see Elliot, her eyes went wide when she saw his Mother, "Bernie…uh-hi. I was just-"
Bernie leaned against the door and smiled, pointing behind her, "His room is the first one on the right sweetie."
Olivia swallowed hard, "Bernie…"
"Don't worry. I sleep like a log. I won't hear a thing." She smiled and patted Olivia on the arm, "Eli probably has his headphones in too."
And then she turned to walk to her own room leaving Olivia alone with her thoughts. But before she stepped into her room, Bernie looked back at her, "You both need each other. I hope you know that."
When the door closed, behind the older woman, Olivia couldn't help but smile. She felt like a teenager sneaking into her boyfriend's house. As quietly as she could, she walked towards Elliot's bedroom and opened the door. It was dark in his room, but she saw the outline of him laid out on the bed. Moving closer to him, she froze by the side of him and watched the silent rise and fall of his chest. Thank God he was alive.
She stood there, not wanting to move, not wanting to scare him. But he sensed her. Turning his head, her breath caught in her throat. The beard was gone. Eddie Wagner was no more and all that was left was the broken pieces of Elliot Stabler.
He didn't move, and that scared her more. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she reached for his hand, "I heard about the trial…are you okay?"
His hand squeezed hers and his voice broke, "No."
Leaning closer to him, she used her free hand to touch his freshly shaved face, "Tell me what you need."
His eyes closed tight and he leaned into her touch, "You. I need you Liv."
Pulling back slightly, she kicked off her boots, took off her coat and then crawled in beside him, "I'm here."
His arm wrapped around her and she heard the sob in his chest, "Liv…"
Her hands caressed his neck gently, "Shh…you're okay. You're home. You're safe now." Pressing her lips to his cheeks she whispered, "I've got you. You're safe now."
He squeezed her tight, not able to hold in the tears any longer. He hated to cry in front of anyone. Hated to let them see him break. But with Olivia, he knew she wouldn't judge him. Knew she would keep his secrets, keep him safe. And so he cried, he let himself fall apart in her arms and then, only then, did he finally feel home.
This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark, oh, oh, oh
These hands had to let it go free, and
This love came back to me, oh, oh, oh
Kathleen got home late. She wanted to check in on her Father. She was glad he was home, but she knew he had a long road ahead of her. She had knocked gently on the door, wondering if he was asleep. When he didn't answer, she poked her head in just as she had done a few days before. Only this time, she saw something different. But she couldn't help but smile.
As much as she missed her Mother, she knew that this was right. Taking a deep breath, she turned and walked back out the door. He wasn't alone, he had the exact person beside him that he needed and for that she was incredibly grateful.
When he woke up hours later, the first thing he thought was he hadn't felt that well rested in a long time. He barely remembered falling asleep. It took him a moment to realize where he was and why someone was pressed up against him. Not someone he thought, it was Olivia. He breathed her in, let himself live in this moment, this first time waking up with her in his arms.
Last night he felt so broken. Last night he felt like he was drowning. But the minute she showed up, he felt like all the little broken pieces were finally being put back together. He felt her stir beside him, felt her long hair tickle his bare face and he held on tonight, not wanting the spell to be broken. It was early, very early. The sun wasn't even in the sky but she turned and his heart stopped when she smiled lazily at him, "Morning."
He couldn't believe she was here. Couldn't believe she was beside him. But she'd come. When he needed her, she had come even if he didn't deserve it. Lifting his hand, he brushed back her hair and smiled, "Morning."
Adjusting her position in his arms she rested her hands on his chest, "You actually slept."
Nodding slowly, he smiled, "I did."
Her hands slid up his chest, resting on his shoulders she began to massage his muscles gently, "You shaved."
Biting down hard on his lip he shrugged, "You said you wanted Elliot Stabler…not Eddie Wagner."
Her hand slid across his neck, his smooth jaw and her eyes fell to his lips, "Welcome back Elliot Stabler. I missed you."
His voice cracked as he spoke and he didn't try to hide it, "Olivia…I-"
"I know." And then she moved, not hesitating, and their lips met for the first time.
He froze, let himself take in this moment, and then reached for her pulling her closer, not wanting to let go. Rolling them over, he held himself above her, not able to stop kissing her, getting lost in all that she was. Feeling so damn grateful that she was actually here. That after all this time, she still believed in him, that she still cared about him. "Olivia…"
His hands moved down her sides, and she inhaled sharply, "El…wait…"
Pulling back, he felt like he'd been kicked, felt like she was rejecting him and he was confused, she had kissed him. And that night he had come to her, she had tried but he had stopped her, "Liv…"
She sighed and slowly pushed him off of her, climbing off the bed, "It's not…I'm not…" Turning to look at him, she saw the hurt on his face and she sighed, "I want…"
Moving to sit up on the bed, he rubbed the back of his neck, "I'm sorry…I just thought…"
"I know." She moved towards him again and reached for his hand, "I know. And I…I do want to…."
Clearing his throat he watched her carefully, "But…?"
Her hands shook as she looked at him, "But there are things you don't know and I'm afraid now isn't the time to tell you…I'm afraid you're not in a good head space. I don't want…to upset you."
"There are things you don't know either." He whispered and then leaned back, "Things I should probably tell you but I'm afraid…"
"Well…so am I." She whispered sadly, "So…maybe we'll do it together?"
Looking down at their joined hands, he gently caressed her knuckles, "Together."
She stood there before him, knowing she had so much she had to say. So much that he didn't know but could he handle it? Could they handle it? "I…"
"I'll go first…okay?" He could sense her hesitation, "Um…but I need you to just, remember that…I wasn't me. That…I haven't been me…" Sighing he whispered, "To be honest…I don't think I've been me since I walked away from you and my life here. Not just to go Undercover. But…"
She knew what he was saying and she knew that she had not been herself since losing him over a decade ago either, "El…it's okay."
"It's not." He shook his head sadly and pulled her hand closer to her, "Being Eddie…I had to do things. I had to play a part…I had to make them trust me."
"You know that I understand." She whispered, "You know that I've been there…"
Looking up at her, his Mother's words from last night rang through his mind.
"When are you going to figure out that she's the only one that will ever understand?"Taking a deep breath he whispered, "Liv…I killed someone. I…I hurt people. I-"
"Shh…" Leaning in, she crawled up on the bed and sat beside him, "El…"
"I had to do so many things…so many things I'm not proud of. And I-" He looked up at her, "I got so lost in all of it…in being someone else. I wasn't okay…I wasn't me…"
He held her tighter and somehow she knew, she had known that night when she saw him looking at her, "Flutura…" She saw him cringe, "Elliot…"
"Olivia…I'm sorry. I need you to know that I didn't-" Sighing he dropped his head in defeat, "She was just there…and I needed to feel something. And I was trying to get her to trust me and I hurt her. And…" Lifting his head he frowned, "I hurt you. I disappointed you…"
She thought about her response, tried to pretend it didn't hurt but she knew the feeling all too well. That feeling of wanting to be distracted, taken away from everything else. Wanting to feel a connection. She knew it better than most, "Well…I slept with Burton."
His eyes went wide and he froze, "That night?"
Chewing on her lip she shook her head, "No…not the night you found me. Before that. But it was stupid…so stupid." He didn't push her away in disgust, only held on tighter and she thought he understood, "I needed to feel something too." Smiling sadly she shrugged, "I have spent many years trying to feel something…anything."
"Olivia…" Reaching his hand out, he caressed her cheek gently, "I'm sorry."
"You don't…she's not…" He held her closer and she swallowed hard, "I just mean…"
"I wanted it to be you." He whispered, "I've always wanted it to be you but we…"
"I know." She said with a slow nod, "There was always a wall between us…reasons that we couldn't."
"After being away for so long I've felt like I needed to prove myself to you. Or maybe I felt like I wasn't worth your forgiveness." Laughing sadly he tipped back his head, "Actually I know I'm not and yet…you're still here."
A frown crossed her face and she held him close, "El…"
"It's all been so fucking confusing. And I…" His cheeks flushed, "Shit Liv…I kissed Angela too."
Her eyes went wide for a moment, "Wheatley?"
"Yes…" He hissed, "I was so fucking confused. So scared…Liv I haven't been able to breathe and you've been so good. So fucking good to me and I don't deserve it. Don't deserve you."
She was quiet for a moment before asking the question that was on the tip of her tongue, "Elliot…when you said you loved me. Did you-"
"It's always been you." He whispered, "When I said I love you…I meant I'm in love with you. That I've always been in love with you. That I will always be in love with you. I was just…afraid."
Her fingers gently caressed the back of his neck, "And now?"
"Now…" Resting his forehead against hers he sighed, "Now…I know that the only way for me to survive is to be with you. But…only if that's what you want too. If you can forgive me…" After a moment, she began to pull away and his hands fell to his sides. Afraid of what it meant. She crawled off the bed again, stood before him and he saw her hands shaking. "You…can't forgive me…"
"I-" Her voice cracked and she lifted a hand to her face, covering her eyes, "I do forgive you. As hurt as I've been by you…I know that this thing between us is inevitable…and that…you need to hear but…"
Her hands shook harder and he reached for her, "Liv did Burton-"
"No." She squeezed his hands, trying to focus on it, "This isn't about…him." He continued to stare at her and she frowned, "You really don't know?"
Frowning, his heart started to speed up, "Know what?"
"Elliot…something happened after you left. Something that changed me." She cringed, "I…"
Fear settled in his chest, "Olivia…"
"El…" She pulled her hands away, not able to be touching him when she said this, "There was this case…he was sick. One of the worst perps we'd ever…" Her voice broke off and she stepped back again, "He…I-"
And then he knew, "Oh God…"
Cringing, she shook her head, "He didn't…didn't rape me." Sighing softly she whispered, "Not for lack of trying…but it's the closest I've ever come. And he…tortured me. For four days. I can still picture it after all this time…I feel it. And-"
Climbing off the bed he moved towards her, "Olivia…"
She shook her head, unable to stop now, "I had to testify…and it was like living it all again. And then he escaped…and got me again."
"What?" He started to pace, "Olivia…how-why-if I had known I-"
"There was nothing you could have done." She said with a sigh, "Elliot look at me."
Turning back to her he pointed at the ground, "If I had been here he never would have-"
"Elliot…" Reaching for his hand she sighed, "Don't…"
"How…how did you get away again? How did you-" His hands pulled her closer, afraid to let her go, "Liv tell me…"
"He made me play russian roulette." Her eyes shut and she felt him shaking beside her, "I thought…I was going to die. And the only thing I could think of was I just wanted to see you again. He's dead…"
Elliot pulled away and fell to the side of the bed, "Olivia…"
"And when I pulled away from you just now…it wasn't because I don't want you. It wasn't that I don't love you." His head lifted to look at her, shocked by her words, "But…if we do this. You'll see…" He looked confused and the tears came, "You'll see what he did to me. And I'm afraid-"
"Olivia…" Once again he pulled her into his arms, "You are and always have been the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Nothing can change that."
Lifting her hand, she pressed her fingers to the first button, "Are you sure about that?"
His heart ached when he thought of what he could have done. Of how he could have harmed her. Scared her both physically and emotionally. But he meant it. Nothing could ever make him not want her, not love her. But he also couldn't imagine how scared she was, how she would feel baring herself to him after something so terrible. There was so much more he needed to know, so much more he was afraid to hear, but right now he just needed her.
Taking a deep breath, he looked right at her and answered honestly, "I know that there's more…and it's going to break me to hear it all. But Liv…"
"I need you." She whispered, "Elliot…I-"
Nodding slowly, he touched her cheek, "I need you too."
Biting down on her lip her hands shook as she tried to unbutton the first button, "El…I'm scared."
Moving her hands aside, he undid the button for her and her breath caught in her throat, "We'll take it one step at a time. Okay?"
Her hand covered his and his thumb moved to caress her fingers, "Okay…"
Slowly, she moved her hands to her sides and let him take the lead. Needing him to do this for her. Needing to know that he'd still want her even when he saw…
One by one he removed each button and he never flinched, even when each scar became visible. Her eyes were trained on his face, trying to gauge his reaction. When the last button was undone, he carefully slid the material down her arms and she shivered as it fell to the floor behind her. He was quiet, and she was holding her breath. His eyes roamed her upper half, but she couldn't move. Just as she was about to say something, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to one scar on her chest. A sob erupted from her throat and she reached for his shoulders, afraid she would fall over. His hands gently moved along her body, caressing each mark left by that monster. And somehow, somehow he was turning something so terrible, so horrific into something that made her feel strong, something that made her feel beautiful because she had survived.
Her fingers dug into his shoulders and she whimpered his name, "Elliot…"
His lips moved up her chest, her throat, along her jaw, to each cheek, her nose and finally her lips, "You are so beautiful Olivia. Even more than I ever could have imagined."
Wrapping her hands around his neck she whispered, "I love you…"
Gently, he pulled her closer and turned them, easing her back down on the bed. Hovering over her, he pushed her hair back and answered, "I have always loved you." Kissing her once more he whispered against her lips, "And I always will."
Your kiss, my cheek
I watched you leave
Your smile, my ghost
I fell to my knees
When you're young, you just run
But you come back to what you need
She wasn't sure how long they'd been on his bed, just holding each other, kissing, exploring as their clothes were shed. It could have been minutes but it felt like eternity. His hands moved across her skin as if he'd done it a thousand times before. As if he knew her body like the back of his hand. As if he was made to love her.
And all she could think was…thank God he came back.
They were both completely bare now, wrapped in each other, losing themselves in the feel of being so intimate, so close after so many years. Ten years apart would have put more distance between most people, would have broken their connection. Yet somehow, here together, they'd never felt more sure, more connected than ever. Below him, she trembled, knowing that he was the one man she'd been waiting for. The one man she could trust, mind, body and soul. Despite everything they'd said, everything they'd done to each other, because of each other, they were right where they needed to be.
The past was the past and all that remained was their future. And though it would be filled with trials, with turmoil and stress, she knew they could do this as long as they faced it together. She felt his need for her pressed between them, felt the way his body moved against hers, felt the warmth of his skin and she felt like she was drowning in him, "Elliot…"
His lips pressed below just her ear and he sighed, "Olivia…tell me we're going to be okay. That you forgive me…that-"
Her hands moved to hold his face close to hers, "Look at me." She saw him breathing hard, saw the battle raging within him, "It's just you and me."
Biting down hard on his lip he whispered, "You and me…" And then he repeated the words he'd said that night he showed up at her door, "It will always be you and I…"
One hand slid down his neck, his back, along his hip and he shivered at her touch. The air between them was warm, filled with desire and love, a passion they had spent over two decades trying to deny, "We don't have to wait for that parallel universe anymore El…" His breath caught in his throat as she caressed him, guiding him towards her, "We can be together in this one."
And then he was pushing forward, thrusting hard, deep, and they both gasped, feeling their word's finally colliding the way they'd always meant too. Her legs opened wider, and he adjusted her thighs on either side of his hips,. "Olivia…"
Her back arched up off the bed as the fire built within her, "Yes…"
His left hand reached for hers, taking her hand, interlocking her fingers with his and holding them above her head, "I love you."
Tears streamed down her face and she didn't bother hiding them. She saw his own threatening to spill over, "I love you." Her free hand curled around his neck as she pressed her lips to his, "Only you."
Over and over he moved within her, his cock burying himself as far as he could possibly reach. He felt like she was helping him find Elliot Stabler again, helping him find the man he'd always wanted to be, needed to be. For her. For them. Her legs wrapped around his waist, locking behind him, pulling him forward, deeper and she cried out for him, "Elliot…"
Rolling them over, she gasped as he pulled her up with him. Her legs stayed wrapped around him and his hands fell to her hips, rocking her against him. Sitting together in this position, she felt him touching each part of her. Felt her skin flush with desire. Her right hand smoothed across the back of his head, and the other slid down his back, her nails raking against the taught muscles as he moved with her. His eyes were closed as he loved her and she needed to see him. Whimpering softly as his fingers dug into her lower back she sighed, "Look at me…"
He groaned softly and then let his eyes flutter open, "Olivia…"
Her hand slid across his face, feeling the gentle stubble that had formed over night and she smiled, "You're home. You came back to me…"
Reaching for her, his hand tangled in her hair and pulled her face back slightly, "And I will never leave you again."
She smiled softly, leaned forward and pushed him back on the bed. He landed with a huff, his hands falling on either side of her, watching her as if he couldn't believe she was real. Swallowing hard, she rolled her hips, kissing him with her eyes open, "Do you promise?"
"I promise." He answered honestly, "Olivia…I couldn't leave you if I tried. I need you."
Leaning back, she moved above him as he watched her ride him slowly as if she was made for him. She sighed, and rested her hands against his chest, feeling the steady rhythm of his heart, "I need you too."
For the first time since Lewis, maybe the first time in her life, she felt completely and utterly beautiful. She felt strong, sure, powerful and wanted. More than that, she felt loved. The one thing she'd been searching for desperately her whole life. And now…now she had it. She had him. And always would.
Her eyes never left his as he caressed each part of her body, each scar and it felt like even after all this time, they were finally healing. Like they didn't matter anymore. And she knew, it was always meant to be him to put her back together. "Look at you…"
She smiled and cocked her head to the side, shaking it softly she whispered, "I prefer looking at you…"
"You're so fucking beautiful." He bit down hard on his lip as he thrust his hips upward, slamming into her as she gasped, "And all mine."
"Yes." Her head fell back, her mouth hung open as they moved together, "Elliot…yes. Yours and only yours."
His hand slid up and over her abdomen, her chest, along each scar and up her throat caressing her collarbone and neck, "Mine."
Reaching for his forearm, she held on tightly and lowered her head so that his hand slid up and over her jaw, "And you're mine."
His thumb traced her lower lip and she squeezed his arm harder as it finally slipped into her mouth, her teeth biting down gently on him and he groaned, "Liv…"
"Tell me you're mine." She moved slower against him making him delirious with pleasure, "Tell me there won't be anyone but me. Not ever again."
Pulling her down she gasped when his cock dragged along her clit, "I am yours. And there will never be anyone but you. I swear."
Tears burned in her eyes again as she rocked against him and he met her thrust for thrust. She felt it coming and she clung to him, "I-I can't-"
"I'm right with you." He pulled her closer to kiss her, "Let go baby. I've got you."
And then he pushed her over the edge and her body was limp, unable to fight it as her release exploded within her. She was crying and she knew it, but he kissed them away as he continued to thrust up into her, "Elliot. Elliot…"
He grunted softly, one hand gripping her hair, the other gripping her hip as he pushed up once more and exploded inside of her, shuddering as he did, "Olivia…fuck."
The air between them was thick, their bodies trembled but neither of them wanted to move. She leaned further into him, wanting to be as close as possible. His lips pressed against her cheek, "El…"
"I love you." He sighed and tilted her face up to his, "God I love you."
Resting her forehead against his she sighed, "You have no idea El…no idea."
Rolling them gently to the side, he gathered her in his arms, slipping out of her as she wrapped herself around him again, "Yeah…I think I do."
Resting her face in the crook of his neck she sighed, repeating the same words again, "Thank God you came back to me…"
Pulling her even closer, he wrapped his fingers in her hair and pressed his lips to the crown of her head, "I should have come back sooner…"
Her fingers danced along his chest, felt his heart pounding beneath her fingers and she whispered, "You're here now El." Lifting her face to look at him, she caressed his cheek, "You're here now…"
This love is good
This love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead, oh, oh, oh
These hands had to let it go free, and
This love came back to me, oh, oh, oh
A few weeks later, they'd learned to navigate this new part of their relationship. It hadn't been easy, especially in the aftermath of him coming home and all he had to deal with. There had been conversations, some very hard conversations. He'd learned more about Lewis, about all she had endured without him. Had listened as she cried, explained every detail and how she had thought of him through it all. He'd learned of Tucker and Cassidy and the way she knew she'd never be able to bare her soul to anyone but him.
And he in turn had explained about why he had left, what it had been like in Rome. Why he still gave her the letter after Kathy was gone. Explained the guilt he had felt for staying with his wife while simultaneously being in love with someone else thousands of miles away. How he'd tried his best to be the husband, father he thought she had to be but it was never enough. About how in all the time he was gone, there wasn't a day that went by that he didn't think of her.
They'd cried. They yelled. Laughed about how stubborn they were. And along the way, they learned more about each other, grew closer, and became stronger than they ever had been before. And for once in both of their lives, they felt safe and sure. Today they were about to face another hurdle. Richard Wheatley's trial.
Elliot's anxieties had been heightened the last week, trying to stay calm for his children. And she'd been his rock, always beside him, strong, steady and true. Slowly but surely they were bringing their families together, learning to navigate everyone's emotions. Elliot's older children were understanding, they knew Olivia. They'd live with her as part of their lives for 12 years. Eli had been harder to crack, not because he didn't like her, but because he, more than any of them, was mourning the loss of his Mother the most.
Today, they were standing in the cemetery. Just the two of them staring at Kathy's headstone. Olivia had pushed for it, told him he needed to go with the kids before the trial. That they needed to feel connected to her. They were quiet, and she'd stepped to the side expecting him to need the space, but he had surprised her when he took her hand. After so many years of being the other woman, the one that had to give up her own happiness, he was choosing her while still respecting the marriage he had had. They didn't say anything, nothing really needed to be said.
She'd let go of her anger. Let go of her guilt. Accepted that this was the way their paths had unfolded. She wished for his children that she could bring her back, but she couldn't. And so here they were and they couldn't live in the past, it was time to look ahead to the future. The wind blew gently, the leaves on the ground swirling around them. Turning her head, she saw his children pulling up. Squeezing his hand in hers, she smiled, "I'll meet you back at the car." He held her hand tighter and tried to pull her close, "It's alright. This is about them…we're good."
Swallowing hard, he leaned forward and kissed her cheek, "Thank you."
She smiled, squeezed his arm and turned to walk away in the opposite direction of his children. But they smiled, waved and Eli stopped to look at her, really look at her. She smiled softly, gave him a small wave and thought about that conversation, that first real conversation they had that morning when she left Elliot's.
After they had made love, they had both fallen asleep in the comfort of each other's arms again. When she woke up again, it was still early but she didn't expect anyone to be up. Needing to go home and check on Noah before school and before going back to work, she woke Elliot and he reluctantly let her go, only after she promised that she'd see him later. He was exhausted and she knew it, kissing him softly, she watched as he drifted off to sleep again, finally able to relax. As quietly as she could she tiptoed out of the room hoping to make it out unscathed unlike last night being caught by Bernie. She was halfway to the backdoor when she heard someone clear their throat. Cringing slowly, she turned and saw Eli leaning against the counter with a smirk on his face, "Good morning Olivia." Taking a deep breath, she held her coat to her chest and smiled nervously, "Good morning Eli…" Placing his cereal bowl down on the counter beside him he crossed his arms and laughed, "Well this is awkward." Suddenly she wished it was Elliot's Mother again, not his youngest son, "Eli I'm sorry. I…this is probably…" She sighed and dropped her coat at her side, "Honestly? I have no idea what to say right now." Eli nodded slowly and hopped up on the counter behind, "I was really young when we left New York…" Olivia felt unsure of where this was going and she stood up a little straighter, "You were." Swallowing the lump in her throat she whispered, "Eli…" Tears burned in her eyes and she stepped closer to him, "Eli…" Lifting her hand, she wiped a tear away from her cheek, "I want you to know that…your Mother-"
Watching him go, she sighed and then let out a shaky little breath. She went to move towards the door again when she felt two arms wrap around her from behind and she leaned against him, "El…""I love you." He whispered in her ear, and she knew he had heard everything, "We're going to be okay." Turning in his embrace, she caressed his cheek gently and leaned up to kiss him, "We're going to be okay."
Beside her, he drove through the familiar roads of New York feeling his anxiety rising. But beside him was Olivia and he knew that he could face anything with her by his side. As much as he'd wanted her beside him at the cemetery, he was also so grateful for her respect and understanding of his children and what they needed. But now, now he just needed her. And as usual, she could sense it. When his hand lowered to the middle console, she reached out and took his hand in hers. He took a deep breath and then a memory washed over him, that first meeting with Noah. That first moment that he knew that they were really going to make this work.
He was a nervous wreck. It had taken her nearly a year before she felt ready to let him meet her son. Her pride and joy. The biggest part of her life. And he knew that this moment was huge, knew that it meant that she believed him when he said he wasn't leaving her. Standing in Central Park waiting for them, his palms were sweating despite the fact that the temperature had dropped significantly. He heard someone laughing and he relaxed because he knew that sound, they were here. Turning slowly, he saw them walking towards him hand in hand and his breath caught in his throat. He knew how badly she had wanted to become a Mother. To see with her son felt like the greatest gift he'd ever been given. This was a privilege and he was determined to let them both know how grateful he was for this opportunity. Stopping in front of him, Olivia smiled softly, trying to reassure him, "Hey." Elliot smiled, dropped his hands to his sides and whispered back, "Hey." Taking her hand from Noah's, she ran her fingers through her son's curls, "Noah…I want you to meet Elliot Stabler. Someone very important to me." Looking back at Elliot she smiled, "Elliot, this is Noah. My son." Taking a deep breath, Elliot knelt down in front of the young boy and held his hand out, "Hello Noah. I've been waiting a long time to meet you." Noah hesitated for a moment, glanced up at his Mother who smiled encouragingly at him and then turned back to Elliot. Lifting his own hand, he shook the older man's hand, "Hello Elliot. I've been waiting a long time to meet you too." Elliot smiled and dropped his hand, "So…I hear you're a heck of a dancer." Noah's face lit up and he smiled, "You did?" Elliot nodded and stood up slowly, "I did. And I was wondering if you could give me some lessons…" Noah laughed and looked up at the older man, "Really?" Noah laughed harder, "That's true…she is very clumsy." Olivia scoffed and nudged her son, "Hey wait a second…you two aren't allowed to gang up on me. That's not how this is going to work." Elliot laughed and put his hand on the boy's back, "Oh I've got a million. I wouldn't even know where to start…"
Noah nodded and started to walk ahead of them, "Start at the very beginning…" Elliot looked back at Olivia as they walked, "You got it kid."
And just like that, he knew they were going to be okay.Now, sitting beside her in the car, his breath rattled in his chest, overcome with so many emotions. The good, the bad and the incredibly painful. She was the first one to break the silence, "El?"
Turning his head slightly to look at her he took a deep breath before answering, "Yeah?"
"Whatever happens, we're going to take it one step at a time." She whispered.
The same thing he'd said to her that night she'd come to save him. They'd do this together, just as they had faced so much together, side by side for 12 years. This was no different. Looking down at their hands, his thumb gently caressed her fingers, so damn grateful that they had found their way here. Taking a deep breath, he lifted their joined hands and kissed the back of her hand, "One step at a time." He pressed another kiss there and lowered them again to his thigh, "I love you Liv."
Squeezing his hand in hers she whispered back, "I love you too."
This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark, oh, oh, oh
These hands had to let it go free, and
This love came back to me, oh, oh, oh
This love came back to me, oh, oh, oh