Chapter Three

Be careful what you wish for. I know that for a fact. Wishes are brutal, unforgiving things. They burn your tongue the moment they're spoken and you can never take them back.

-Alice Hoffman

This… this couldn't be right. Mamoru couldn't be Tuxedo Kamen. It made no sense; Tuxedo Kamen was strong and brave. He was always there for her when Usagi needed him… when Sailor Moon needed him. Mamoru was always there for Usagi but to torture her. They had never spoken a kind word to one another, while Tux was more than kind enough to save her life over and over. The two couldn't be more different in their temperament and treatment of Usagi; one headstrong and determined to break her and the other destined to keep her from getting damaged.

It didn't make any sense, no matter how long she stared at the masked man before her as he sat in Mamoru's seat. Had she ever seen the two of them at the same place at the same time? That night… in the park… Mamoru had been there just after Tuxedo Kamen left and was looking for Usagi. But it had been Tux that saved Usagi from the Youma and knew she was there in hiding. How else would Mamoru have known to look for Usagi? She thought the tender look and care Tux had taken with her was because he didn't know who she was past an innocent bystander and that he was just a good man. If Tux was Mamoru, he knew Usagi, and his mannerism towards her was opposite to how he treated her without his mask.

It wasn't like Mamoru could give himself away to Usagi, she knew this, and yet, it was a struggle to imagine Mamoru ever speaking to her so gently without a mask between them. One thing was clear, Mamoru didn't know she was Sailor Moon… or did he? He pushed Sailor Moon away to look for Usagi; if he knew they were one and the same, he wouldn't have done that… unless he was playing along?

Tuxedo Kamen fell with a loud and exasperated sigh next to her furry body on the couch. His head back, his black locks peeled away from his forehead, but it was hard to make out his eyes with the mask and glamour. They looked dark.

He lifted a hand and pulled off his mask, revealing Mamoru behind it to Usagi, and even though she already knew it was him, it still made her little heart skip in her chest. "I'm… at a loss, Usako," he murmured to her, "tonight… Sailor Moon wasn't there either. The same Youma attacked, and we couldn't put it down without her." He sighed heavily and flopped over himself, putting his face in his hands again like he had earlier that night. "Usagi-chan and Sailor Moon… I couldn't protect either of them. What… the hell I'm I doing?"

If bunnies could have heart attacks, Usagi was sure she was going to have one soon. The same Youma, the one that turned her into this, attacked again? That never happened, but they usually dusted Youmas, not let them turn them into tiny, defenseless animals.

Her eyes danced all around Mamoru, his tux wrinkling while he tugged on his hair. It all had her quaking with fear, sadness, and guilt. Fear that she would never be able to speak again and comfort the man before her, sadness that only saw his care when it was too late, and guilt that she was causing him so much pain. Causing her family so much pain. It was a risk Usagi knew she was taking every time she stepped into battle; any time Usagi put on her fuku was a chance that she might not see her family again.

But she had never thought about the others she would leave behind, and never had she dared to think of Mamoru -or Tuxedo Kamen- as one of them that would notice her absence.

Turning his head to look at her, Mamoru put a forced smile on his face, making her feel a thousand times worse. "If things switched and I was missing, Usagi wouldn't give up so easily. She wouldn't give up until her friends were found and safe. It's been twelve hours, so there's still a chance, right?"

He looked and sounded like he believed it less than she did. And she was the optimistic Usagi he spoke of. Things looked pretty bleak.

oOo

Usagi fell asleep on the couch again, next to Mamoru, but woke up alone. The sun was barely up, and she carefully slipped off the sofa to wander around. Her leg felt better, but that didn't change the hard, cold reality that she was now an inch tall and on four legs. It took practice to move around effortlessly. It was probably a good thing she took the time to get used to her legs; who knew how long she would be on them, and it would be weird if a rabbit (with no injuries) couldn't hop.

There had been a few times (as a child and as an adult) that Usagi had found herself wishing she was a rabbit. They had fewer responsibilities, hopping around and eating or sleeping all day. But now, as she took in her new world's angle, Usagi realized just how silly she'd been all those times she dreamed of escaping a math test this way.

It took her a while, and she was out of breath, but Usagi made it to Mamoru's bedroom at the back of the apartment. It was neat and clean, looking like it was for show instead of used for sleeping. Looking over her shoulder, the couch she left behind wasn't that far. A human could make it in ten steps. The reminder of her short legs made her cringe, so she went back to searching and learning.

It was hard to be sure, but Mamoru didn't seem to have photos… anywhere. Usagi had pictures of her friends in her room, and her mother had family photos EVERYWHERE. He wasn't much older than her either, and he lived alone? Mamoru was kind and considerate; he didn't deserve to be alone…

Wait, kind and considerate? Her bunny brain was fried; she was thinking weird thoughts. But… he did show genuine concern for animals, that took a caring soul. Mamoru was also anxious about Usagi, someone he hated. Only someone who was deeply kind would feel worried for someone they couldn't stand.

The lock on the door popped loudly in her more prominent ears, alerting her to Mamoru's return. It was still early morning (if she were to guess); it seemed odd he would be home this early.

"Usako?" He called out to her with worry in his voice, and she squeaked to get his attention. Her heart thumped hard when he visibly softened and relaxed when his eyes found her. "There you are. Getting the lay of the land?" He scooped her up gently and carried her back to the living room. With his long legs, it took him seven steps. "Are you hungry?"

Usagi's belly rumbled against Mamoru's palm, and while she worried about catching her fur on fire with her flush, he chuckled deeply and made her lungs seize. Usagi was quickly starting to like the sound of Mamoru's voice when he was calm and happy. Enough to make her desire him to feel that way around her all the time.

"How about some apples? And… water?"

He asked, but Usagi really didn't have the means to tell him 'yes' or 'no', so it was good that those things sounded delicious to her. Mamoru chopped up her meal and set it on the counter, picking her up and placing her next to it to eat. He stood back and watched, gently rubbing between her ears as he had the first time.

"I normally wouldn't be home right now, but… I didn't want to leave you alone all day." Usagi thought it was a strange time for a student to be home. "I have class all day, and then I like to study at this café… well, to be honest, I don't go there to study, not my school work. If I'm honest, I go there to be… social." He leaned over, resting his chin on his hands while he continued to watch her. It was very intimidating, his indigo eyes staring right at her. "I don't have a lot of experience, and I'm terrible at talking with people. Usagi-chan was the only person to talk to me, and even that I couldn't get right. I always end up insulting her. I get so tongue-tied as it is, and it only makes matters worse that she's so pretty."

Usagi nearly choked; Mamoru thought she was pretty?!

He pushed back up and looked away from her. "At least she looks adorable when she's angry; her flushed cheeks make her eyes look brighter. But it's not exactly how I want to spend every conversation with her. There are so many other things I want to say to her…." She was no longer eating, and Mamoru was no longer talking, looking off into the distance for several moments before snapping back to her. "I'm skipping class today, but only so I can help search for Usagi-chan. I won't be here for long."

Help search? Was he going by himself or were there more looking for her? The Senshi and her family would be looking for sure. Was Mamoru going to help them look?

Mamoru set Usagi back on the floor and placed her remaining food before her, leaving her for his bedroom. She peeked, but when he started pulling off his uniform, she stared at her bowl and nowhere else.

A knock at his door broke the silence, and she watched as Mamoru shrugged on a shirt and answered it. Usagi knew it was none of her business, but she found it hard not to listen with her bunny hearing. And when she heard a girl's voice, Usagi dropped all pretenses and wandered closer to the door to listen.

"I came to check on you. You weren't in bio lab."

"Yeah, I… I need today off."

"That's okay. We can work on the lab here!"

Mamoru stepped back, and the girl walked in, but he was backing away from her and the door hurriedly. "I can't. Not today. Sorry."

"Oh…" the girl drooped but then perked up suddenly, "well, if I could get your notes, then I could do it myself?"

Mamoru smiled, and Usagi's fur stood up on end. "You don't have to do that; I'll catch up tomorrow."

The girl waved him off, and Usagi started taking in the uniform that matched the one Mamoru always wore as well as the length of her skirt (which wasn't very long at all). "It's no problem! How many times have you saved my grades?"

Mamoru bowed his head respectfully and left Usagi alone with the girl. Who suddenly took notice. "What's this? You got a… pet rabbit?"

"I found her, yeah, she was injured. I'm taking care of her until I can find someone to take her. Are you interested?" Mamoru called from his room.

Usagi stepped back, but the girl picked her up anyway, holding tight when she squirmed for her freedom. "No, I'm not into animals. You shouldn't have a rabbit running around free; it'll dirty up your place!"

Great, this girl was Mamoru's girlfriend or something, and she didn't like animals. Usagi was so screwed.

The girl walked her (kicking and screaming) to the bathroom and set her down again. "You should stay in here. Mamoru doesn't need a disgusting creature pooping all over the place."

She said it with a sneer, and if Usagi could, she could have stuck her bunny tongue out at the girl. Usagi didn't poop everywhere! She went in the toilet like a lady! It was challenging, and she almost fell in a few times, but Usagi would die if Mamoru had to clean up after her.

The girl shut the door behind her, and Usagi was relieved. Because either she thought a bunny was too dumb to figure it out, or she didn't know Mamoru's apartment well because there was another door to the bathroom in Mamoru's room. Usagi found that all of her hoped it was the latter.

Mamoru glanced back at her when she hopped in, smiling and curious but not questioning how she got there like Usagi felt he should be. Picked up again, he gently carried her back where she belonged, and the girl sneered down at Usagi.

"You really like that rabbit?"

Mamoru shrugged. "It's nice to have someone to talk to."

The girl clucked her tongue and rolled her eyes. "It's a rabbit. If you want someone to talk to, I'm always here for you, Chiba-san."

Mamoru turned from the girl so Usagi couldn't see her reaction or Mamoru's when he said, "thanks, I appreciate that." The bland way he addressed her, Usagi didn't feel as if he meant it. However, Usagi did get to see the girl's reaction when Mamoru grabbed his keys, wallet, and phone, setting her down on the couch to leave. "I have to go now."

"You're going out? I thought you were sick?"

"Uh… yeah, I just… told Sensei that to get out of class."

A grin twisted upon the girl's lips, making Usagi bristle behind them. "I didn't know you were a bad boy, Chiba-san?"

Mamoru ducked his head and moved again towards his door. "I'm not. I'm going to help in the search for Tsukino Usagi."

The girl gasped slightly. "You mean that little girl that went missing? That's so sweet of you!"

Little girl? Usagi was sixteen! How old was this girl, thirty-seven? The only person who called her a 'little girl' was her father, which was the only one Usagi allowed!

Mamoru chuckled softly, "she wouldn't like you calling her a little girl…."

"Oh? So you knew her?"

He paled, and the girl seemed to miss it. "I do know her, and I'm going to find her."

The girl sobered at that, and Mamoru held out a hand for her to leave. She paused only for a moment to look back at Mamoru, who now looked at the floor. "I hope… you find her, Chiba-san."

He said nothing, opening the door and closing it shut without a word to anyone. Usagi watched -barely blinking- as the usually stoic Mamoru/Tuxedo Kamen looked close to breaking. Why was her disappearance so hard on him? It couldn't all be guilt, could it? Even if he was Tuxedo Kamen, it wasn't his fault that she was a bunny. Not at all. Usagi would never blame Mamoru for her currently fluffy state. Even if she never got out of it to two legs again.

Taking a deep breath, he searched for a moment for her, finding her hastily on the couch where he left her. "I'll be back later. Be good, Usako."

Usagi was alone again, with only her thoughts to keep her company.

oOo

It was dark, and Usagi was scared again. Terrified of the strange home she sat in and its shadows that she didn't know. Anxious of the bunny body, she was still stuck in and petrified of the feelings manifesting for her nemesis. Feelings that scared her more when Usagi started to think they weren't new at all. In the end, regardless of feelings and fears, it was all too late. The spell on her body wasn't leaving, and Usagi worried it never would until the Youma that cast it was destroyed. Which, according to Tux/Mamoru, the Youma was impossible to dust without Sailor Moon. And since she was Sailor Moon…

It left Usagi in a bitter cycle of what if's and how to's. What if the Youma was never destroyed? How many people would suffer without Sailor Moon? What if Mamoru gave her over to someone else as a pet? How could Sailor Moon kill the Youma as a rabbit? What if that shadow in the corner was the Youma coming after her? How could she tell Mamoru that she was sorry for fighting with him all this time instead of listening?

Hopping from the couch hours ago, she paced, and when she got tired and scared, she sat under the coffee table. She perked up when the front door popped. It was late, and she was exhausted, but all that ripped away at the sight of Mamoru stumbling into his apartment.

When he stopped just inside the door to fall back against it, her heart squeezed with panic. He didn't even put his keys down before pressing his hands into his face, rubbing his eyes hard. Mamoru lowered his fists only so he could watch his feet as he moved towards the couch. Just as he had the last couple of nights in a row, he flopped to his couch. This time, he dropped harder and deeper and fell straight to his palms, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands.

The sound was so foreign to her, Usagi had to hear it twice to know what it was. It was a sob, and it came from Mamoru. It had Usagi at Mamoru's feet and her paws on his shins as fast as her little legs could carry her. He didn't shift in the slightest, only to shudder as another sob ripped from his chest.

"I'm sorry, Usako… so so sorry…" she didn't understand, pressing harder on his legs to try and get him to understand her pleas as she hoped to understand his, "I couldn't find her… it's been over twenty-four hours, and now… the cops aren't calling it a missing person anymore…."

They weren't calling Usagi a missing person anymore? Then what were they calling her?

Grabbing the pillow behind him, Mamoru flung it across the room with a fury that Usagi nor Sailor Moon had ever witnessed before. His cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were red; Mamoru had been crying for a while now. His mouth skewed in a frown that was far more menacing than when he had ever fought with Usagi. Mamoru was angry.

"What was she doing there anyway? In the park so late at night?! She should have gone home… why didn't she just go home?!" He screamed at the wall. "Usagi was there because I treated her like crap, and she went there to cry. And I was there because… I knew I went too far; I was too cruel and pushed her too much. I looked for her for over an hour. When I found her, there was a damn Youma on top of her. Why did I leave her?! Sailor Moon would have been fine without me… no, no, she wouldn't; the enemy still killed her when I failed to protect her. GOD!" Mamoru lurched forward and slammed his fist into his coffee table. The wood bent and threatened to snap in half from the attack. "I can't protect anyone; why the hell did this power come to me?!"

Mamoru was silent and still while Usagi climbed her way up to him. Using her claws on his jeans and couch, she got into his lap while he buried into his hands again. Usagi flinched when a few of Mamoru's tears hit her face and ears, but she didn't move away from him any more than that.

"I knew… I knew I would fail. Me? A protector? I never deserved this name, Mamoru. Whoever gave it to me was a real jerk." She pushed her face against his elbow, but Mamoru still didn't move. "Do you know how I got this stupid name? The doctors told it to me when I woke up in the hospital. I don't think it's really my name; it doesn't fit at all. But I had no choice but to believe them, no memory of anything contrary, and my parents are dead so they couldn't tell me." Usagi stiffened; this was a lot of personal information now being shared with her (that she was sure Mamoru wouldn't tell the real Usagi), but she couldn't even comfort him; how could she tell him to stop? "I couldn't protect them or my memories. I've known since I was six years old that I was a shitty protector. And yet, someone thought it would be funny to make me the protector, make me Tuxedo Kamen. I didn't ask for the responsibility, and I didn't want it. But… when I met Usagi, I thought,… here's someone I want to protect; thank the heavens I have the strength to." Mamoru pulled back from his hands, his eyes raw and his throat dry. "Just like my parents, Usagi disappeared in the night, and I'll never see her again. I'll never say, "you look beautiful" instead of "you're annoying". I never said a single thing to her that I meant and now she's gone so she'll never know. She'll never know that I'm stupidly in love with her and I'll never get a chance to be worthy of her attention." He looked down at Usagi in his lap and either didn't see the rabbit crying in his lap or was too upset to care. "And the best part is it's all my fault."

She leapt, putting her paws on his chest just as another sob shook it. Squeaks came out of her instead of what Usagi wanted to say. In her head, she was screaming, I'm right here, Mamoru! I'm here! I'm fine because you saved me! It's not your fault; I never said what I wanted to say either! I never thought you'd want to hear how I really felt about you! I'm the failure, not you. I couldn't protect myself; it was never your responsibility! But to Usagi's continued frustration, the words wouldn't form in her rabbit throat. All she could do was watch as Mamoru broke, even more, his throat cracking as he cried. All she wanted to do was wrap human arms around him, hold Mamoru and comfort him as her human form could!

Usagi wanted it more than anything else in this world.

It was still night, and yet, bright light swept into Mamoru's apartment. Mamoru forgot himself and that Usagi was in his lap, standing for her to slide off. She scrambled to the couch and then the floor as Mamoru moved awe-struck to his balcony doors. They flew open like magic, loudly banging as they hit the walls. Mamoru cringed and stopped but didn't turn away from the light. And neither did Usagi.

It was warm like the sun but far more comforting. It had her hopping into it, getting as deep as she could to bathe. It tingled down to her toes and back like her limbs were asleep. Mamoru had turned to Usagi on the floor; his head bowed to watch her. Usagi looked back at him, craning her neck to look up. Then watched as his head lifted, and yet, she still held his gaze. It was as if she was floating, but she realized she was growing when Usagi looked down.

The fur was gone; pale, peachy skin remained. And Usagi's legs were long, with her knees no longer at her ribs. Gold light covered her as well as long, gold hair that floated around her. When she looked back up again, Mamoru was shell-shocked. Eyes wide, the silence stretched out for a few heartbeats while the moon went back to a usual glow, and Usagi watched as Mamoru's apple bobbed up and down.

"Hi, Mamoru. It looks like… you found me."