Never Too Late
2021
Joey Sharkbait
[Soundtrack: "Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace]
Leaves fell lazily from the trees in small vortexes of red, yellow, orange, and brown. I was out of breath and possibly out of my mind. The late-fall breeze and the scent of autumn kept me grounded; as did her soft hand protectively holding my own, calloused and battle-worn. She said she loved me regardless.
Seasons change and so do we.
We still hadn't told the others. That we were more than friends. I wondered how long we could keep it up for… Kagura said we should tell them. We owe them all that much. And our pack was stronger than ever, it seemed… a few months of healing together has done us all well.
I am stronger now.
Therapy was working… I was now only meeting with Lady Kaede once per week. I felt so silly and admittedly guilty for doubting Kagome's suggestion to simply talk about everything. It was still painful and still a long time coming but I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was slowly learning to open up to my friends as well. Finally, after years of knowing them and fighting alongside them in the most grueling of battles.
Learning to talk to my brother was the hardest. He was no longer a child and it was taking some adjusting to no longer view him entirely as just "my little brother". He was becoming a man and had most definitely proven himself. I think I knew long ago that he had long since lost any semblance of childhood innocence. Perhaps it was just me running from my demons again.
We finally talked about the day we died. It went well… Inuyasha of all people convinced Kohaku to start talking to Lady Kaede as well. I think it was doing him some good. Kohaku held so much guilt and I'm sure the weight of his own trauma was probably heavier than my own at times.
I slowly came out of my reverie at the sound of Kagura's soft voice and the feeling of her hand leaving mine.
"We're almost back to camp," said the wind sorceress.
"Yes… and?" She was stating the obvious. Although I kind of knew where she was trying to go with it. 'Tell them'. "We were just sparring."
"This time." Kagura stepped toward me and put her arms around me, pulling me closer. She caught me in an unexpected but no less welcome kiss. Before I could fully react, she had already stepped back. The demon woman winked at me and cast a small smile my way before taking her feather out of her hair.
"I'll meet you at the campsite soon, my love."
And then she was gone.
"Hey, Sango!"
I froze, grabbing the hilt of my sword and spinning around to face the doorway.
It was only Inuyasha.
I let out a sigh of relief and let go of my weapon. I didn't expect anyone to be back at base so soon. I thought Inuyasha and Kagome would still be visiting in her world.
"You're back early," I noted. "How was your adventure? Is Kagome back as well?"
"Yeah, she went off to meet Kaede in the village and help with some stuff." The hanyou crossed his arms and leaned against the doorway. "Kagome's little bro was starting to get into it with their mom so we left. Really didn't wanna stick around for any of that…"
"I don't blame you."
"How was sparring?"
"How did you know?"
"Obvious." Inuyasha smiled at me, a playful and knowing look in his golden eyes.
"I always train around this time of day when we're not on missions, give or take an hour or so—you know that."
Inuyasha looked over his shoulder, outside of the hut, then back to me. "Can we talk?" He asked.
I felt like throwing up but tried to remain composed. I'd play dumb until he called my bluff. Inuyasha was not stupid by any means. He came off as a stubborn knucklehead, sure, but I think sometimes it could give him an advantage when people just expected that. His perception was easily underestimated unless you really knew him.
"Ok. Let's talk." I sat down against the wall and motioned for my friend to join me.
Inuyasha sat beside me. His energy was calm and nonthreatening. Just like every other time we've shared a heart to heart…
My brother in arms…
"Hey, Sango, you know you can tell me anything, right?"
He knows. He fucking knows.
"Yes, Inuyasha…"
"I know you and Kagura are more than friends."
I looked away from him and nervously rubbed my arm. "…how long have you known?" I sighed.
"A while now. I don't know, like a month or two."
"How?! Have you told anyone else? Are you disappointed with me?"
"Hey, calm down." The soft tone in Inuyasha's gruff voice eluded to safety and empathy, not anger or resentment. My paranoia was strongly urging me to think the opposite, however. I cautiously looked toward him again, one hand on my forehead.
"I'm not mad. And I don't think anyone else knows. I haven't said anything, at least."
"We're that obvious, huh?"
"Not really," said Inuyasha in a matter-of-fact way. "Your scent. Hers is all over you sometimes, especially after your 'sparring' in the woods." The hanyou smirked at me.
"Dammit, Inuyasha!" I playfully punched him in the arm, half serious.
Inuyasha laughed and placed his hand on my shoulder in a well-intentioned, brotherly fashion. "Don't worry—your secret is safe with me."
"Ugh, Kagura always said we should tell you guys…"
"Maybe, maybe not. That's your guys' business, not ours."
We were silent for a few minutes. I leaned my head against the wall and looked up at the ceiling.
"Thanks for not saying anything, Inuyasha."
"No problem."
"I don't want to cause any problems for all of us, you know?"
"I don't think you will." He sounded so confident. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and noticed he was mirroring my pose, gazing at the ceiling himself.
"Not even with Miroku?" I was skeptical.
Inuyasha sighed. "You know, Sango, I honestly think he'd understand."
"Inuyasha, we're barely friends nowadays," I contested.
"Is that what you think?" Inuyasha sounded genuinely surprised.
"Huh?"
"He's been giving you space, Sango." Inuyasha fully faced me once more. His eyes matched the astonishment in his tone. "Miroku only wants you to be happy and recover. No matter what that looks like."
I almost felt like crying. Both from pleasant relief and a mourning I couldn't give explanation to. "I thought he hated me… after what I said to him that day at the bar…"
"Yeah, he came crying to me later after that," Inuyasha's typical arrogant tone was back and I knew it was directed at Miroku's pathetic actions. Inuyasha was his best friend but he never put up with any nonsense and was always transparent with him. I think that's one reason why they got so close. Miroku needed someone to keep him in check. "Miroku acted like a jackass and he knew it. He blew his chances with you."
"We had a long talk about everything that night. The damn monk was all sorry and weepy for a bit but I got him to suck it up and talk to me. Been checking in with him pretty regularly about it, too. He just wants to be your friend again. That's all he wants and not just because that's all he can probably hope for."
I bit my lip and thought hard about everything Inuyasha just told me. He just wants to be friends… Part of me hurt at that realization. Part of me was relieved. He would always be something special to me and maybe in the future, our circumstances could change…
But this is now.
No sense in fearing the future anymore. We all had work to do.
I am alive…
"Do you think I should tell him? About Kagura and me…?"
"I don't know; that's your call." Goddammit, Inuyasha… you and your blunt advice. "I honestly think it will go better than you expect."
"I just really don't want to ruin what we've all got going on, Inuyasha. My brother's back and doing well, I'm recovering, Kagura is safe and on our side…"
"Hey," Inuyasha put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. "It'll be ok. I promise."
"I'm tired of just being worried and stirring up shit…"
"It'll be ok." I grew tired of fighting my own belief in his reassurance. I leaned my head against Inuyasha's shoulder and pondered everything we just talked about. After a moment of silence, Inuyasha spoke up once more. "Me, personally—I'm just happy if you all are happy. You, Kagome, Miroku… everyone… I used to think I didn't need anyone. But you all have become my pack. I know it's hard to open up to people and get close, trust me… We're here for you, Sango. And I honestly don't think whatever you've got going on with Kagura would ruin anything."
"You really think that?"
"Yes." Inuyasha smiled at me—a true smile, his fangs gleamed in the rays of light peeking in through the window. "Are you happy, Sango?"
"Yes… yes, I am." My heart fluttered and the weight of my own words finally hit me. I'm not perfect, but I'm happy…
"Good!" Inuyasha stood up and held out his hand. I grabbed it and he helped me to my feet. "Now, two things: One—I need you to know I'm always here if you need to talk. Us warriors gotta stick together, you know? And two—don't tell anyone I've got a soft side!" He winked at me and playfully punched me in the arm.
"Hey!" I laughed and rubbed the spot. It didn't really hurt… much.
Inuyasha smirked at me. "I have a reputation to uphold. This pack would fall apart if everyone knew I can get all sentimental and shit."
"Your secret is safe with me, Inuyasha. No worries."
"Then we're finally even."
I have to tell him.
Kagura was thrilled that I finally decided to tell our friends about us. Kohaku apparently knew for a while and I couldn't remember if I had even actually told him or not and he wouldn't tell me either way. Shippo was unphased and so mature for his age, only offered, "Sounds complicated, but as long as you're happy, I'll support you two!" The young fox asked if Miroku knew yet… and offered his innocent childlike advice to tell the monk and that everything would be ok. Kagome was surprised but still shrieked like the boy-crazy village girls I remembered when they told one another about courtship among them and some of the slayer boys. Kaede didn't count, due to her being my therapist…
Miroku would be the last to know.
I approached the monk, sitting on top of a hill overlooking the village. I couldn't tell if he was meditating or just sitting and enjoying the silence. From what I could tell, his energy was calm as always. The fall breeze blew through his hair and caused his monk's staff to jingle as it stuck out of the ground next to him.
"Miroku." I stopped a few steps away from him.
He turned his head and blinked his pretty blue eyes. "Sango."
"May I sit with you?" I asked, unsure of myself. I felt like I already wore out my welcome but I rationally knew this to be untrue.
"Of course." Miroku patted the ground beside him and I was soon at his side, also overlooking the village.
The faint sounds of people in the distance were accompanied by small gusts of wind and tree limbs swaying. It all felt almost like a dream. I grabbed a handful of grass beside me and dug my nails into the dirt in an attempt to ground myself. I got a strange sense of déjà vu.
You've been through hell… Telling Miroku is the least of your concerns.
"How have you been?" Miroku asked, his gaze still cast forward.
"I'm doing a lot better, actually. Thanks, Miroku." Even breaths… blue sky, clean air… "How are you?"
"I'm quite well, thank you. I've been thinking… it's been a while since we've spoken, one on one…" Miroku turned his head a little to face me. I couldn't look at him.
"Yeah… I'm sorry about that." I didn't want to lose you… I don't want to lose you…
"No need for apologies. It's my fault." He spoke with such conviction, as always. No… I helped…
"Miroku—"
"No, Sango… I acted like a fool. And destroyed something beautiful." The monk hung his head. "I wanted so desperately for something that you could not provide at that time. I wanted you to be more than you could. And I couldn't handle the idea of the truth, that maybe it wasn't the time. I, too, have some issues of my own to sort out. And I don't want to hold you back with that."
"Miroku… I was mean to you."
"And I deserved it."
"But that doesn't make it right."
He finally looked at me, an unreadable look in his dark blue eyes and a small half smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Sango… I still love you…"
"I know…" Dammit, Miroku…
"I love you enough to let you go." I held back tears. I hated hearing this from him… he was honestly probably my first love as well… "As I said before, I have some things I need to work on. You told me roughly the same thing months ago. And it's ok. It's all ok."
"I'm sorry, Miroku…" I looked away from him and held my face in my hands.
"Don't be." I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder and peeked through my fingers at the holy man beside me.
"I feel like I've done something terrible to you."
"And I could say the same… I acted like a jerk at the bar all those months ago. You deserve better."
"I don't know if I can believe that, Miroku."
"Sango, I only want for your happiness. Whether that includes me or not." Sincerity was all over his words and it made my heart both ache and swell at the same time. I took the following moments to prepare myself.
"Miroku, about that… I need to tell you something."
"Anything. Anytime. Always."
"Just… before I speak up… promise me it won't change anything?"
Miroku held his hand toward me, only his little finger extended. "I promise."
The pinky promise felt so childish but also comforting. All romantic feelings aside, Miroku was one of my dearest friends and will always hold a special place in my heart.
I sighed. Best to rip the bandage off.
"Miroku… I've been seeing someone… someone we know…"
"Oh?" I couldn't read him. He sounded somewhat surprised but also did not pull away from me.
"Are you mad?"
"No…" I finally looked at him and was greeted with a puzzled expression. "Who?"
"Well…" Gods, I wanted to throw up again.
"I don't care who it is, as long as they treat you right…"
"It's Kagura." I just blurted it out and the moment I did, I felt my bones and muscles trying to turn into jelly. Lightheadedness and a flight response flooded my being.
"Oh." Miroku looked at me and blinked a few times. I could tell he was still processing. My face felt like it was on fire.
I need to leave…
But I can't move.
Not sure if it was seconds, minutes, or hours, but goddammit, I just need him to say something!
"Well?!" I was losing my cool. I needed to know what he thought and if that promise would hold up or not.
"I… wow…" Miroku scratched his head. "I did not expect that."
"Are you mad?!" Panic, panic, panic…
"No?" Why did that sound like a question?!
"Are you sure?!"
"Yes?"
"Fuck, Miroku!" I stood up and rubbed my temples, shaking my head. I felt like a beehive. Anxiety buzzing throughout my rattled bones like a thousand busy insects. You'd think I'd be used to this by now…
"Sango, I'm sorry!" exclaimed Miroku. "I just… really would have never thought…"
"Yeah, well, me neither!" I folded my arms over my chest and stared at the ground like a pouting child.
"I mean… I'm happy for you…" said Miroku. "Sincerely."
"Do you really mean that?" I skeptically glanced at him over my shoulder. "Or did I just hit the nail in the coffin of our friendship?"
"No, no nail in the coffin. No coffin at all, in fact." I think I could believe him…
"You mean it? You really do?"
"Yes. I do." The young monk approached me and sighed. I turned to face him and he gently took my hands in his. We made eye contact and he looked just… sincere… and bold. No hurt or resentment was evident anywhere within this man in front of me. "I only want for your happiness. And if Kagura makes you happy, then that's more than I could ask for."
"And you still promise this won't change anything?" I hated how much reassurance I needed.
"I promise." Miroku pulled me into an unexpected hug. "You were my best friend before you were ever anything else. And it will always remain that way."
I hugged him back, thankful and somehow sad. "Thank you. You're my best friend, too, Miroku."
"I mean, I may need more time to process… all that…" Miroku broke our embrace and scratched his head. He must have sensed my anxiety trying to come back. "But it's ok! I promise! Just… she better take care of you. I feel like I know she will, though…" Miroku smiled at me.
"I think she will, too." I smiled back at my friend, my first love, as I began to walk away, back to our camp. Fond memories of what could have been… it already doesn't hurt as much…
"Hey, Sango…"
I stopped. "Yes?"
"I am proud of you."